"Charmed Firestarters"? Okay. So, clearly, the WB Promo Man is allowing his recreational drug use to interfere with his professional responsibilities and requires an intervention, followed by several months in a tastefully-appointed rehab facility, but to be honest with you, I don't much care. Why? Because tonight I get to see Ken Marino die. Several times. In slow motion. Score!
We fade up on a suspiciously lush Manor porch. Seriously: The roof groans under a load of blossoming wisteria, the support columns are entwined with lilac and flowering ivy, and there are pots and pots of blooms lining the walk. In San Francisco. In November. Pleasing to the eye, certainly, but six months out of step with Mother Nature. Amid this riot of anachronous horticulture, Phoebe and Gonzo Marino make with the tiresome post-date banter. Phoebe smirks that all "good dates" end on the front porch. Gonzo flirtatiously wonders where the "great dates" wind up. Phoebe bats a pair of bedroom eyes at The Chinless Wonder and promises to answer his question "in a second" as she leans in for a kiss. Just as I raise the cherry end of my cigarette to my eye, Piper interrupts the macking with a bellowing off-screen "Heads UP! Pregnant lady with groceries!" Piper brusquely wedges the two sick-making lovebirds apart with her body and enters the Manor. Piper's pantywaist of a husband trails behind her with a few shopping bags of his own. Some wise-ass in the props department made sure to include a box of Lucky Charms in one of Brian Krause's bags, by the way. "What's wrong with Piper?" Phoebe asks of the Dolt, who mumbles something nonsensical about paper versus plastic by way of response. He eases himself into the front hall and slams the door behind him. Phoebe fiddles with her purse strap and grimaces at The Chinless Wonder.
Indoors, the Dolt rather curtly wonders what crawled up Piper's ass and exploded this evening. To my immense relief, the wife blames not her icky pregnant-lady hormones, but rather Phoebe rebounding from her shattered marriage with a wholly inappropriate dork of a swain like Gonzo. As the two bear their respective loads down the hallway, Piper ticks off what she deems to be Gonzo's worst qualities: The Chinless Wonder is recently divorced, bathes in cologne, and toils as a computer programmer. That's it? What about the googly eyes, the beaky nose, the non-existent jawline, the Satanic knack for choosing horrible television projects like Men Behaving Badly, First Years, Leap Of Faith, and Dawson's Creek, and the fact that anyone who willingly chases after a shrewish, self-centered, irresponsible, brainless, wasted, bony-ass hag like the Feebs should be taken out and shot? What about all that, Piper? Huh? Piper, content with her paltry list of three perceived shortcomings, ignores me to blather on about how Phoebe and Gonzo are quite simply incompatible, and that if Phoebe doesn't watch herself, she's going to get hurt. "We should just vanquish him," snarks the Dolt. Oh, look at the Dolt, making with the cutting remarks! Thanks for the offer, honey, but The Angel Of Death has that covered for the evening, you useless, dimwitted sweetheart, you.
Raige chooses this moment to pop up from the depths of the sofa in the parlor with a pert, "Hey! A little quiet, here?" A tousled, masculine mop of dark hair is visible just below Raige's face. Piper shrills, promo-style, "What is this -- a brothel?" as the gentleman attached to the tousled mop of hair hikes himself up on his elbows. Raige's new slampiece appears to be pretty damn cute, but he's not on screen long enough to confirm this initial impression. In response to Piper's rather rude remark, Slampiece Mop Top grins devilishly up at Raige and notes, "You didn't mention that. I'm a little short on cash." Raige smirks and pushes him back down into the depths of the sofa. Go, Raige! Woo! Just remember to take a damn shower in the morning this time, okay? Piper goggles at the Dolt, then grits her teeth in irritation as Phoebe and Gonzo slip through the front doors to scamper upstairs to the Bimbo Boudoir. Piper wonders if she should put a stop to the imminent fornication, like, butt out, woman. I hate Ken Marino as much as you do, but as long as I don't have to watch Phoebe getting hot and heavy with her chosen moron, she can do whatever the hell she wants, right? After all, I seem to remember you yourself engaging in certain unspeakable activities in the shower and across your desk and on the floor of your Godforsaken nightclub, so shut it. Raige agrees with me, warning Piper against interrupting the imminent fornication unless Piper wishes "to make a total ass out of [herself]." Raige's new slampiece makes me giggle by poking the top of his head over the back of the sofa to peer down his nose at the unreasonable shrike with the groceries standing by her wimp of a husband at the foot of the stairs. Raige dives back down onto her new slampiece as Piper natters on and on about Phoebe's "mismatched relationship." The Dolt finally tells Piper to stow it. According to the closed captioning, Piper "[scoffs]." Heh.
Bimbo Boudoir. Phoebe and Gonzo barrel through the doorway and start ripping off their clothes. What the hell? I thought Phoebe was wearing a knee-length white coat, but apparently, it's some sort of blouse, because off it goes and out pop the Fun Bags. Bra-encased Fun Bags, to be sure, but Fun Bags nevertheless. You're probably wondering why I'm not scraping out my own eyes with a spoon as Phoebe body-checks The Chinless Wonder onto the bed and shoves her tongue down his throat. It's because I don't want to miss the delightful premonition that now smacks Phoebe in the teeth. A shiny-headed officer of the law leaps from his prowler with pistol drawn and shouts, "Get down on the ground!" Gonzo gawps at the cop on his right, then gawps at the gun-toting hip-hopping gangbanger on his left. The gun-toting hip-hop gangbanger instantly becomes my new TV boyfriend when he plugs The Chinless Wonder twice in the chest. Marry me, Gun-Toting Hip-Hopping Gangbanger! The Chinless Wonder drops to the asphalt, a thin trickle of blood running from the corner of his mouth as his googly eyes glaze over. Pause. Rewind. Play. Pause. Rewind. Play. Pause. Rewind. Slow-forward. This episode's already a keeper. Phoebe snaps out of it as The Strings Of Impending Guest-Star Doom thrum on the soundtrack. "Where'd you go?" Gonzo asks, rather sensitively for one so loathed. "Are you okay?" Phoebe gasps and pants and plows face-first into the opening credits.
The Goo Goo Dolls are tonight's guest testicles for the opening travelogue, which features some very nice new footage of San Francisco. The camera rears up over a hill on the Marin Peninsula to land on the Golden Gate Bridge with the city in the distance, then cuts to a gorgeous tracking shot along the Bay Bridge with the Ferry Building low in the background before cutting again to an aerial pan towards Telegraph Hill as the morning fog withdraws from the city's skyscrapers. I'm sure this new footage will irritate me to no end when they immediately recycle it for week's episode, but for now I'm enjoying it. Over on Prescott Street, the Manor's actual front porch, unfortunately, in no way resembles its soundstage counterpart from the top of the hour. Considerably fewer flowers, people. Unless the heaving boughs of lilac and wisteria shriveled up and died overnight and were carted away by a magical brigade of mulching pixies, the continuity editor screwed up. Again. Up on the sun porch, the gluttonous Dolt helps himself to an overflowing plate of breakfast treats at the wrought-iron table as Piper asks Raige, "So how come we never met your couch buddy before?" Raige, in wry good humor because she got some the evening, smirks that her slampiece is more than a couch buddy. "His name is Max," Raige smiles, grabbing a cup of coffee, "and I think he might actually have some potential." I'll be the judge of that, missy. And, yes, my ears perked up when she mentioned his name. The Dolt asks his sister-in-law to "define potential." Raige, reveling in the attention, offers, "He is wickedly smart, perversely funny, and has just the right touch of weird style for me." Hmm. Either Rose McGowan is making some sort of meta-comment regarding Marilyn Manson's baffling personal appeal, or Daniel Cerone is tossing yours truly a tremendous, albeit sly, shout-out.
Yeah, right.
Phoebe dimly bubbles in from the dining room, dragging Gonzo along behind her, and starts in with the babytalk as she bids the occupants of the sun porch a good morning. Piper fires off a few snippy remarks as the Feebs shoves a bagel for the road into Gonzo's hand while reminding him of their lunch date that afternoon. Phoebe pointedly confirms that they'll meet at Gonzo's office before heading to the "bistro," then launches into a series of loud, smacking kisses with him, much to the discomfort and irritation of those seated at the table. The Chinless Wonder tosses off a casual, "Nice meeting you," and disappears to commence his Walk Of Shame. He's barely out of earshot before Phoebe blares the news of her delightfully deadly premonition from the evening. Raige cocks a brow upon learning Gonzo bit it in a police shootout and asks, "Don't you normally have premonitions about the evil nasty people?" "Usually," Phoebe confirms, "but not always." True, but I don't recall it happening after the first season. The Dolt opines that Phoebe's power progression allows her to detect "natural" as well as supernatural threats. Phoebe begs one of her sisters to accompany her to the lunch date to provide assistance, if necessary. Piper narrows her eyes and mumbles that, given the nature of the premonition, the Glamorous Ladies "maybe aren't supposed to protect" Gonzo. Phoebe snots that Piper's reaction is "a little insensitive," and she's the gal who should know from insensitive, yes? Piper fires back with the following non sequitur, which she reads aloud from the newspaper in her hand: "A rebound romance burns fast and hot, like a shooting star. It leaves the rebounder blind to the flameout ahead." "Who wrote that psychobabble?" Phoebe grunts. "That would be from the 'Ask Phoebe' column," Raige smirks. "To 'Rebounding In Rockport.'" We catch a glimpse of Phoebe's column in the newspaper, and not only is the correspondent's photograph to her byline hideous, but from what I can read of the column itself, it appears to be a collection of random, two-sentence opinions on entirely unrelated topics with no letters from readers at all. I don't know where to begin, but I'll try here: Phoebe sees the guy she's banging mown down during an arrest gone wrong, and Piper's telling her that's what Phoebe gets for investing too much time in a rebound romance? The hell? Like I said, I hate Ken Marino as much as the guy, but Piper. Really. Try to dredge up a more artful justification for your opposition to the relationship. Please? Oh, and "Rockport"? As in Maine? Pull the other one. Idiots.
Phoebe faces all of this smugness with a sigh and stammers, "[The Chinless Wonder] makes me feel..." She trails off for a moment, during which I fill the dead airtime with my very best Sylvester impersonation. "He just makes me feel," she eventually continues, though I'm adding emphasis absent from Alyssa Milano's line reading, "and it's really beautiful, so could you please just be happy for me?" Raige offers to cancel her nooner with Slampiece Max, but the Dolt suggests the situation might be better served by Piper's freezing power. Piper icily observes her useless oaf of a husband.
We get a jumpy helicam-on-crack transitional montage of the city before cutting over to Piper swerving the Grand Cherokee into a parking space, tires squealing. Phoebe and Piper are late due to some snarled traffic, and Phoebe sports an afghan as a skirt. An afghan as a skirt. Eilish's brain is just completely gone, isn't it? Eilish scarfed down some bad beef a few years back, and now the BSE has made Swiss cheese of her brain, so she just lolls her head back and forth in her cubicle on the lot, drooling over swatches of mismatched fabric while her crafty Eve Harrington of an assistant does her level best to destroy what remains of the boss's tattered reputation. Good God. An afghan. Ha! So, where was I? Oh yeah: Phoebe hustles her afghan-clad ass -- snerk! -- into Gonzo's low-slung office building as Piper attempts to reach him on his cell. While Piper gets an earful of one of those "subscriber not available" recordings, a delivery van pulls up alongside the Jeep, blocking it from the street. Piper exchanges a few tart words with the driver, who basically tells her to suck it up. Phoebe jiggles out of the building and breathes, "Oh, no," as police sirens wail in the background. The "bistro" is a mere two blocks away, so Phoebe insists they hump the remaining distance on foot.
Cut to Phoebe and Piper giving their sports bras quite the workout as they race down the sidewalk. They reach the correct intersection, but Phoebe can't recall in which direction the "bistro" lies. Piper yammers, "Left!" and the women dart off across the street.
Over in a sun-drenched alleyway, my new gangbanging husband scampers past Gonzo as a squad car screams to a stop behind them. Two more cars appear at the opposite end of the alleyway, cutting off My New Gangbanging Husband's escape route. Gonzo halts in the middle of the proceedings and goes, "Guh?" The shiny-headed officer of the law leaps from his prowler, joined this time by his partner. My New Gangbanging Husband whips out his revolver and points it at the cops. Gonzo gawps. At this moment, Piper and Phoebe skitter onto the scene. Piper flings out her manipulative jazz hands as My New Gangbanging Husband squeezes off a couple of rounds. The first bullet freezes just to the right of Gonzo's head, while the second, in front of his chest, waits patiently for someone in charge to tell it to go right ahead and shred Gonzo's heart. The second bullet is well aware of my feelings on the issue, but I, unfortunately, have no say in the matter. Phoebe skips to Gonzo's side and plucks the bullets out of the air, wincing as she singes her fingertips on the hot metal. Nice touch. The bullets' contrails dissipate as Phoebe dashes over to My New Gangbanging Husband and yanks the revolver from his hand to toss it off to the side. The unfortunate extra portraying My New Gangbanging Husband can't quite keep his hand steady while Alyssa Milano jostles the gun from his grip, but no matter. Once he finally (spoiler!) offs Gonzo, all will be forgiven and our love will be unlike any other that has heretofore blessed the face of the earth. But I will have to do something about his hair. Phoebe and her afghan-clad ass jiggle back over to The Chinless Wonder's side, where she orders Piper to unfreeze the alleyway. Piper wrinkles her nose, wondering how Phoebe's going to explain her sudden, miraculous appearance. Phoebe shrieks, "I'll figure something out!" then dials it down a bit to thank Piper, adding, "I owe you one." Piper heaves a beleaguered sigh and flings out her manipulative jazz hands once more. Phoebe yodels and tackles Gonzo to the ground as the sounds of gunfire kick back in on the soundtrack. The Man Who Will Be My New Gangbanging Husband Once He Finally Fulfills His Destiny freaks when he realizes his revolver has vanished from his hand, and raises his arms in surrender. Piper wordlessly edges out of the alleyway and quietly vanishes as Phoebe and Gonzo collect themselves from the pavement.
Phoebe burbles something about surprising Gonzo for lunch while Gonzo mindlessly blurts, "You saved my life!" over and over again. Finally, he offers his thanks. Phoebe goofs that The Chinless Wonder can thank her that evening during a candlelit dinner for two at the Manor. "I'll kick my sisters out of the house," she vows. Er. I mean, "suggests." Gonzo, dazed, smiles weakly and leans in for a kiss. Phoebe's immediately plunged into another delightful premonition. The shot switches to a Feebs-eye view of Phoebe herself toting a tray of desserts over to the dining room table as Gonzo enthuses, "Oh. Wow." Moron. This is followed by a terrifying close-up of The Chinless Wonder's grinning, soon-to-be-dead mug. An unseen force off to the side enters with a bit of noise and slams a dagger into Gonzo's chest. Whee! Gonzo topples backwards in his chair to the floor. The final shot is of Gonzo's lifeless head smacking onto the floorboards as his googly eyes glaze over. Pause. Rewind. Play. Pause. Rewind. Play. Pause. Rewind. Slow-forward. Phoebe snaps out of this premonition with a bit more grace than she did the last, but The Chinless Wonder still picks up on Phoebe's rattled dismay. He suggests that they head off for some coffee, because the jittery after-effects of near-death experiences demand copious amounts of caffeine, or something.
As the two sick-making lovebirds wander off down the alleyway, the camera shoots over to one of the alleyway's brick walls. The brick facade squiggles a bit before disengorging an unholy cross between Campbell Scott and Jamie Kennedy. You might recognize this gentleman from such craptastic televised extravaganzas as Baywatch and Love Boat: The Wave. Yes, he's one of those. I can't pretend I don't already know this character's name is Bacarra, so I'll dispense with the awkward nicknames. So, Bacarra glides a hand into the squiggling facade, intones something in Craptin ("Consilio," if you must know), and a bit of plastic shrubbery on a dolly slides over to block access to the squiggly portal. Bacarra blinks out.
Casa Del Cole. The demon of the Casa slouches in an armchair, shoveling Chinese take-out from a carton into his mouth with a pair of chopsticks. He's unshaven. Bed-head abounds. Does he still have a job after last week's Barbas-related law firm hijinks? It's never explained. Bacarra blinks in. Cole eyes the intruder and grunts indifferently, "Who the hell are you?" Bacarra introduces himself and announces that he's been sent from the future. As proof of this claim, he flicks a silver wedding band into Cole's hand. Cole munches on his lo mein and examines the ring's inscription. He rises from his chair to saunter over to the mantel, where he retrieves the ring's twin from a small pewter box. Cole takes a moment, then lunges at Bacarra, tossing him against a wall while sneering, "Where'd you get my wedding band?" Long story short, Cole himself ordered Bacarra back through time to prevent Phoebe's death. You see, Phoebe was never meant to receive her initial premonition of Gonzo's untimely demise, and thus was never meant to save him. As "The Angel Of Death never gives up a claim," Gonzo will, over the six months, be the target of repeated destiny-driven attempts on his life. Phoebe, who falls in love with The Chinless Wonder at some point in the near future, shall continue to receive death-related premonitions until dying herself in one final attempt to prevent what has been preordained. Future Cole instructed Bacarra to inform Present Cole that Gonzo must die. Now. As Gonzo isn't an innocent in the strictest supernatural sense of the word, should Cole immolate him with a bit of Wicked Waste Land Mojo, Cole would simply be assisting The Angel Of Death in something that should have already happened anyway. Got that? Good. Cole pffts at Bacarra's tale and slumps back into his armchair for some more Chinese. Why should he trust a warlock? Because in the future, this particular warlock is Cole's closest advisor. In Hell. Yes, gentle reader, by May sweeps, Cole will once again be The Sole, King Of The Underworld. Yawn. Cole, agitated, hurls a Flaming Ball Of Death at Bacarra, who promptly blinks out. The FBOD harmlessly scorches a decorative pillar. Bacarra blinks back in behind Cole, snickering something about Future Cole warning him of that particular reaction. Bacarra shrugs his shoulders and asserts that he'll off Gonzo himself. "Wish me luck," he croons before blinking out of the Casa one last time.
Manor. The camera pans up past a cluster of long-stemmed red roses in the parlor as Piper pouts, "A dozen dozen roses. How many roses is that?" A gross, Piper. It's a gross. The Dolt steps into the frame to offer the mathematically accurate if somewhat less evocative answer of "'Hunnert 'n' forry-four." Enunciate, jackass. Over on the sofa, Phoebe and Raige abuse the Book of Shadows in search of the demon from Phoebe's latest premonition. When Raige wonders what Phoebe's separate Gonzo-related premonitions have in common aside from The Chinless Wonder himself, Phoebe snippily replies that the two visions need not necessarily share commonalities; the fact that Gonzo will be caught in a demonic crossfire that evening, much as he was caught in a crossfire of the pedestrian sort earlier in the day, is enough for her. Piper voices her reservations, suggesting that perhaps Phoebe is allowing her "hormones" to cloud her judgment. Raige winces at Piper's unfortunate choice of words as Phoebe yelps, "Ouch!" The Dolt speaks up, counseling the ladies to err on the side of caution and protect Gonzo as best they can until they learn more about the threat they face. Piper and Raige propose that Phoebe alter her plans for the evening to include the rest of the family. Phoebe groans in embarrassment and covers her face with a hand. "Are you cooking?" she asks her pack mule of a sister. "Probably," Piper sighs. Phoebe rolls her eyes and scurries up to the Bimbo Boudoir to dress for dinner. This should be dreadful.
Some time later, Phoebe opens the front door to find Gonzo on the porch with another dozen roses. Dear God. Phoebe's strapped the Fun Bags into a ruched scarlet tube top with matching pressure cuffs cutting off the circulation to her forearms and hands. Completing her dazzling ensemble is a pair of black slacks, over which she's tied a gold-toned paisley satin sash with red fringe. She's an eye-patch and a peg leg away from being a pirate's whore. "More flowers?" she giggles. Gonzo admits that his gift "lacks originality," but notes that flowers are much easier to carry than what he'd like to present her with. "What's that?" Phoebe coos. "Beachfront property," Gonzo deadpans. Phoebe snickers as she links her arm in his to escort him into the dining room. Despite the fact Gonzo has an unobstructed view of the table and should therefore notice Piper, Raige, and the Dolt awaiting his arrival, he stops Phoebe halfway down the hall to suggest that they head upstairs for a quickie. Piper clears her throat. Phoebe blithers some excuse about wanting Gonzo to meet her family as Raige gamely natters, "Phoebe's said so much about you, we just wanted to get to know you better." "Although probably not as much as we just did," Piper snorts. She looks as if she just noticed something particularly unpleasant clinging to the sole of her shoe. Phoebe shoves Gonzo into a chair beside the Dolt as the camera tracks backwards and up towards the ceiling for a slow fade to the meal's aftermath. Gonzo regales his captive audience with the tale of his near-death experience that afternoon. Piper spits something stroppy and uncalled for about Phoebe's penchant for assisting any "stray dog" that crosses her path. What the hell is wrong with her this evening? Normally, I'd be all for Piper ragging on the Feebs like this, but for God's sake, not in front of guests. What is she thinking? Raige inhales sharply and changes the subject, asking Gonzo if he really has a cabin at Lake Tahoe. "Near Heavenly," Gonzo confirms softly, gazing soulfully at the Feebs. Oh, shut up and DIE already. Of course your cabin's near Heavenly. Of course. Squaw fucking Valley isn't quite as anvilicious, is it? You tool. Just as I'm about to claw my way into the television screen to bitch-slap everyone in the dining room -- with the exception of my girlfriend Raige, of course -- Cole smears quietly into the kitchen. Piper spots him and quickly excuses herself from the table.
In the kitchen, Piper slams Cole against the center island and orders him to smear right the hell back from whence he came. Cole fills her in on the impending demonic attack and offers his assistance, but Piper just waves him off, insisting that he leave before Phoebe finds him. Cole clenches his teeth and smears away just as Phoebe enters the kitchen, babbling something about Piper's disapproval of Gonzo. Piper shushes her and instructs her to return to the dining room immediately, as the events detailed in her second premonition are about to unfold. Phoebe spins on her heel and races back just as Bacarra blinks into the parlor. He flings a dagger at Gonzo's chest, but the Feebs launches into a flying leap across the table, slamming The Chinless Wonder backwards into the floor. The dagger embeds itself in the sideboard. Raige warily rises to her feet as Piper hops over to freeze the intruder. The freeze doesn't take. Piper employs the Hands Of Discontent, but Bacarra mutters, "Murus adigo," and his hand absorbs her explosive mojo. He clenches his fist and rams the mojo right back at Piper, who slams into the wall from the force of the impact. The Dolt scampers to Piper's side as Raige summons the dagger from the sideboard with her orbing telekinesis. Just as she redirects it towards Bacarra's chest, the warlock flicks a hand at the chandelier, which explodes and crashes onto the table. Bacarra takes advantage of the confusion caused by his diversion to blink out. The Glamorous Ladies gape at each other before disappearing into the commercial break.
After the break, Raige fruitlessly flips through the Book of Shadows for an entry on Bacarra as Piper reluctantly admits that Cole appeared right before the attack to warn them. The Dolt orbs up to consult the ever-useless Elders. Raige wonders if they should tell Phoebe about Cole. Knowing that her younger sister instantly morphs into an unreasonable bitch at the mere mention of Cole's name, Piper nixes this idea and stares glumly at the Feebs stroking the unconscious Gonzo's head over on the sun porch.
Speaking of Gonzo, he presently awakens on the wicker loveseat to ask what happened. Phoebe lies that "moldy plaster" and a heavy chandelier made for another near-death experience for The Chinless Wonder. Gonzo playfully suggests Feebs remain by his side until his apparently rotten luck changes. Phoebe mulls this over for a bit and agrees, leaning in to peck him on the lips. Oh, and look at that! Another delightfully deadly premonition! Gonzo emerges onto a small concrete balcony and leans heavily on a rickety, rusted railing. My new favorite inanimate object agreeably throws a couple of bolts and drops towards the ground, taking The Chinless Wonder along for the ride. He latches onto a wobbly support for a brief moment before that, too, breaks away. Gonzo drops four stories to the parking lot below. The final shot is of Gonzo's lifeless head smacking against the asphalt as his surprised googly eyes glaze over. Pause. Rewind. Play. Pause. Rewind. Play. Pause. Rewind. Slow-forward. This is the best episode ever! Back on the sun porch, Phoebe snaps out of it as Gonzo murmurs, "Your kisses kill me." If only, you bastard. Phoebe glances over uneasily at Piper, who returns her sister's gaze with a poker face.
The jumpy DemonCam on crack hurtles through the streets before dumping us in a shabbily genteel apartment elsewhere in the city. Bacarra's scruffy present incarnation slams through the open door with a dagger in his hand, screaming, "Come on, witch! I know you're here!" As opposed to Future Bacarra, Present Bacarra has yet to appreciate the benefits of an all-black wardrobe and applies far too much styling gel to his hair. Now he looks like an ungodly cross between Jamie Kennedy and Seth Green. Future B blinks in and greets Present B. Present B, naturally, is wary of his better-groomed doppelganger. Future B grins that he remembers this particular shabby-genteel one-bedroom, and notes that the witch Present B seeks has "the power of invisibility." Future B mutters some Craptin while twisting his hand around as if screwing in a light bulb. The witch in question materializes behind an armchair and promptly freaks. She breaks for the door, but Future B snatches her up in his arms. He mutters some more Craptin, and the witch lapses into a coma. I feel you, my sister. Future B gently deposits the woman on the floor, then rises to inform Present B of his cunning plan. Future B intends to capitalize on the present unrest over in Halliwell Manor and the Casa Del Cole to abscond with the Book of Shadows, off the Charmed Ones, and assume the throne of Hell. He sidles over to the unfortunate witch's cabinet of potion ingredients and selects a few items from the shelves. Present B snits that they can't steal the Book, because the thing shields itself from evil. Future B has that one covered. "With a little blood from [the Glamorous Ladies'] line and a spell from the future," the two Bs can temporarily "cloak [themselves] in goodness," thereby granting them access to the Book. Gradual understanding breaks across Present B's face, and he smiles slyly.
Casa Del Cole. Piper and Raige clomp into the living room behind Cole, bitching all the way about Bacarra's "Jedi master" powers. Cole sneers at the tedious pop-culture reference and shuts the grouchy Ps up with what little information he has regarding Bacarra, as well as offering them the dark details of Phoebe's future should she continue to defy The Angel Of Death. Piper's eyes widen in dismay once The Angel's name is tossed into the mix. "We're screwed," she breathes. No, Piper. Gonzo's screwed, and trust me: Great will be the rejoicing upon his long-overdue demise. Impetuous, clueless Raige immediately proposes that they vanquish Death's ass. Piper patiently explains that Death and his ass exist beyond the realm of protection spells and vanquishes and such, and once he's drawn a target on someone's back, that's it. "If it's [Gonzo's] time to go, there's nothing we can do," she notes, adding, "I told Phoebe rebounds never work!" Heh. Piper then suspiciously wonders why Cole's associating with warlocks six months hence. Cole dismissively insists that that's not important at the moment. What is important is that the sisters guard against possible Bacarra attacks while at the same time ensuring that Gonzo dies. Raige knits her brow as Piper shakes her head and examines her shoes.
Aerie Of The Gonzo. The Chinless Wonder lounges on a sofa with the Feebs and a couple of glasses of wine. The idiot lovebirds dork at each other before heading to the bedroom to perform unspeakably abhorrent acts.
Meanwhile, Piper, Raige, and the Dolt emerge from the Aerie's elevator and wander through the hallway to Gonzo's door. The ever-useless Elders "refused to confirm or deny that Death wants [Gonzo]." The Dolt interprets Their reticence on the issue as verification that Gonzo's not long for this world. Having thus furthered the plot, the Dolt orbs out as Piper and Raige reach Gonzo's apartment. Raige raps on the door. The near-shirtless Gonzo appears and affably agrees to squeeze the Fun Bags back into their scarlet horror so the gals can indulge in a processing summit. After a moment, Phoebe emerges into the hallway. Piper and Raige drop the Death bomb. Phoebe grunts.
The Chinless Wonder lopes out onto his tiny concrete balcony and leans heavily on my new favorite inanimate object. The rusted, rickety railing of joy throws a couple of bolts.
Back in the hallway, Phoebe receives the news of Gonzo's impending demise about as well as one would expect. Which is to say, she adamantly denies that The Angel Of Death has anything to do with the current situation, berates her sisters for listening to Cole, casts aspersions on the Dolt's ability to guide them through difficult situations, and boots Piper and Raige from Gonzo's apartment building so that she can return to his bedroom to get laid.
Out on the balcony, The Rickety Railing Of Joy finally gives way, and Gonzo topples over the edge. He latches onto the wobbly support and screams for help. Unfortunately, Phoebe arrives in time to haul him back onto the ledge. God. Dammit! The Chinless Wonder stutters and stammers and demands that Phoebe leave his apartment. He's convinced something's after him, and he doesn't want to see her get hurt. Phoebe thick-headedly insists that she'll remain at his side until his current run of "bad luck" ends. Moron. Your sisters, your Whitelighter, and your demonic ex-husband are all telling you Death's after this guy, Gonzo himself is now agreeing with them, and yet you still refuse to let him go? You deserve an early grave. Cow. Phoebe hugs The Chinless Wonder and flips into a premonition not nearly as delightful as the three. Phoebe and Gonzo snooze on Gonzo's bed. They're clearly naked beneath the duvet. Shudder. Phoebe awakens to find Cole looming over them, rays of supposedly demonic light forming a halo around his unkempt head. Phoebe comes to and whispers, "Not again."
Manor. Up in the attic, Piper and Raige pedebitch towards the Book of Shadows as Future Bacarra blinks in, clutching another dagger. He smirks and advances a couple of steps before flipping the dagger end over end at Piper's head. She shrieks and freaks and freezes the thing in mid-air. Future B mumbles a bit more Craptin while wiggling a set of spirit fingers by his face. The dagger flips out of the freeze and plunges into Piper's shoulder. Piper flies backwards, demolishing a nearby table with her backside as Present B blinks in, toting a vial of bright green liquid. Raige yanks the dagger out of Piper's shoulder while screaming, "There's two of them!" Piper howls in agony as Present B mutters, "Teleportado." The dagger flares out of Raige's hand and rematerializes in Present B's own. As Present B carefully teases a clot of Piper's gore into his little vial, the percolating infant knits up Piper's wound while mending and dry-cleaning her skimpy satin blouse. After Piper's gore drizzles from the dagger into the vial, Present B guzzles the potion and edges over to the Book of Shadows. Initially, the Book flares up in protest, but it quickly calms down. Present B slams it shut and hugs it tightly to his chest. Future B sneers, "Don't worry. We'll take good care of it." The two Bs blink out as the onrushing commercials overwhelm a stunned Piper and Raige.
The promo for the WB's presentation of The Wizard Of Oz is as misleading as the network's promotions for its regular programming. Nice to know they're consistent, I suppose. Though what is with that contemporary ovary wailing over the clips from the film? Are they trying to evoke that Oz-Dark Side Of The Moon stoner fad from a few years back? If so, Freevibe.com is going to be pissed.
Attic. The Dolt has joined Piper and Raige as the Manor Ps whinge and moan about the purloined Book of Shadows. The Dolt assures them that everything will work out for the best, as long as they stick together. Thanks for nothing, Dolt.
Aerie Of The Gonzo. Oh, ew. Gonzo's bed is surrounded by twee, neon-accented flats of Deco skyscrapers. Why is he not dead yet? Phoebe restlessly tosses and turns for a while, then wraps herself in a sheet and tiptoes out into the living room. "Okay, I know you're here," she addresses the room, "so you might as well just come out." A CD storage rack morphs into Cole. He apologies for masquerading as a piece of furniture to spy on her, but she must understand that he has her best interests at heart. Phoebe tells him to blow it out his still-tantalizing derriere as her cell phone bleeps on a nearby table. It's Raige, ordering Phoebe back to the Manor to deal with the purloined Book of Shadows. Cole vows to protect Gonzo while Phoebe's gone. Phoebe instructs Raige to orb over to Gonzo's Aerie, then reluctantly agrees to leave The Chinless Wonder in Cole's care.
Shabby-Genteel One-Bedroom Of Imminent Sucking Chest Wounds. The two Bacarras, consulting the "To Disempower A Witch" spell in the Book, prepare various potion ingredients at a table. Present B notes that the spell requires "a fresh human heart." No, boys. It requires three. I don't know why I bother. Future B's all, "Not a problem," and kneels at the unfortunate comatose witch's side. She awakens to gasp and choke on her own blood as Future B, off-screen, claws his hand into her chest to retrieve her heart. Future B grins. Evilly.
Manor parlor. The Dolt explains that whenever a given force blocks a destined event, a ripple opens through time. Future Bacarra jumped into this particular ripple to travel back to the moment Phoebe interfered with the preordained death of Gonzo. Phoebe continues to refute the notion that Death is stalking her dork of a boyfriend. Bonehead. Meanwhile, Piper and Raige glumly insist that without the Book of Shadows, they should all be measured for coffins. The Dolt attempts to uplift their spirits with a stirring pep talk I believe he stole from Patton, which is quite the coincidence given Bacarra's passing physical resemblance to George C. Scott's son. Piper tells the Dolt to shut up. I'd encourage her with something affirming like "Preach it, sister girl! You go!" but this scene is so soul-suckingly dull, I've found I can barely lift my head from the carpet, much less scream things at the hideously attired midgets prancing through my television set. The Glamorous Ladies bang their heads together and decide to "change [their] tactics" by battling the two Bs with "new potions [and] new spells -- stuff [they've] never seen before." Woo hoo, I suppose. Could you ladies move it along, please? My New Gangbanging Husband needs to fulfill his goddamn destiny already.
Attic. Phoebe's penned "nine offensive and fourteen defensive spells" since last we saw her, and Piper and Raige have cluttered an entire table with vials of various vanquishes. The Once And Future Bs blink in and immediately chant, "Before the passing of this hour, take away all their power." These scraps of doggerel are even more obnoxious when delivered by men. The Ps leap to their feet and gape. Raige hurls one of the vanquishing vials at Present B's feet, but the potion shatters harmlessly on the floor. Phoebe fumbles through her sheaf of spells and babbles, "We call upon Medusa's bones -- turn their flesh into stone!" Nothing happens. Piper flings out her Hands Of Discontent. They're useless. Raige tenses every muscle in her body, only to discover that she can no longer orb. As The Once And Future Bs conjure a couple of Flaming Balls Of Death, Piper bellows for the Dolt while Raige retrieves a dagger from the table. She whips back her hand to plant the thing in one of the Bs' chests, but an FBOD smacks into her cleavage. Raige dissolves into a cloud of ash that settles onto the floorboards. Before either Piper or Phoebe can react, the second FBOD plows into the Fun Bags, and Phoebe is killed in the process! Huzzah! Take your shout-outs where you can find them, gang. I told you this episode was a keeper. As The Column Of Ash Formerly Known As The Feebs satisfyingly collapses into the floor, the Dolt orbs in and stutters, "Oh, my God!" "And then there were none," Future B smirks. The Dolt makes a flying leap at his wife, snatching her up into a glowing cloud of orbs. Future B's final Flaming Ball Of Death passes through the cloud to vanquish a plant stand. The Once And Future Bs flail about in frustration as we dive into the commercials.
Foreboding Alleyway Of Ken Marino's Doom. Piper crouches in a corner, and great is the wailing and the gnashing of teeth and the rending of clothes and the tearing of hair. Careful with that last one, honey. You rip too much out of your scalp and you'll end up looking like Phoebe. The Dolt, meanwhile, gingerly fingers the brick wall, searching for the squiggly portal. As Piper drags herself from the depths of her misery, the Dolt clues her in on his quest. The ripple Phoebe opened by thwarting destiny acts as a sort of slipstream backwards through time, and will continue to do so until Future Bacarra reenters the thing to reverse its course back to the future. If they can find the squiggly portal, Piper can step through it and ensure that My New Gangbanging Husband pops a couple of caps into Gonzo's worthless ass. Or, you know, "prevent Phoebe from making the same mistake twice." Whatever.
Subplot To Nowhere. Back at the Manor, Future B instructs Present B to call a meeting of the demonic higher-ups to consolidate his power in the Underworld. Not gonna happen. No! Don't tell me that demonic entities ensconced in the Underworld are unaffected by alterations to the timeline on earth, because I'll simply remind you that the goodness cloaking spell is temporary and would therefore require a constant stream of Halliwell blood should Present B hope to maintain his hold on some sort of duplicate Book of Shadows down in Hell. Do I make myself clear?
Meanwhile, back in the alleyway, Piper frets that she'll travel too far into the past. The Dolt suggests she keep track of time using her watch. Which for some reason will be affected by passage through the ripple, even though Piper herself won't regress in age. Don't ask. We're almost done with this damn episode, okay? Piper stumbles upon the squiggly portal just as Future Bacarra blinks into the alleyway. The Dolt tackles him to the ground, shouting all the while for Piper to step through the supernatural doorway. She does so, and turns around to witness the events we've just seen reverse themselves. Piper checks her watch. As the hands spin backwards to one o'clock the afternoon, Phoebe's deadly interference with fate plays itself out in reverse. Piper waits until all the principals have sped backwards out of the scene, then steps onto the pavement outside of the portal. None of the passing extras seems to notice the strange woman who just walked out of the wall. Piper glances around for a moment, then takes off towards Gonzo's office building.
Piper hits the walk opposite The Chinless Wonder's place of employment and watches Phoebe's afghan-clad ass skitter through the front doors. That afghan, man. Jesus. When the delivery van blocks Present Piper's Jeep, Future Piper charges across the street and slides into the passenger seat to speed-talk her way through the relevant facts, which basically boil down to, "If Gonzo doesn't bite it, Phoebe and Raige will." Present Piper is duly outraged. Future Piper tells herself to cram it, and snits, "Look, don't argue with me, okay? Just let [Gonzo] die!" She furiously pinches Present Piper's arm, then drops the shoulder of her jacket to display the resulting bruise. But how would the bruise appear on Future Piper's arm if she...oh, fuck it. Future Piper's final instruction is, "When Phoebe asks, 'Left or right?' go to the right, and when this is all over, just let Phoebe know it was meant to be, okay?" Present Piper gapes. Future Piper pauses to add, "The time she falls for a guy, do not stand in her way," then disappears from the Jeep. Present Piper pouts, "Hey! I'm not standing in her way!" Snerk.
Phoebe emerges from the office building, and the subsequent events unfold much as before, wailing sirens and straining jogging bras and all. However, this time around and after a moment's hesitation, Piper follows her future self's advice, steering Phoebe off to the right once they reach the intersection. "God help me," Piper murmurs before chasing off after her hideously-coiffed sister's afghan-clad ass. Halfway down the block, Phoebe spots the squad cars barreling in the opposite direction and takes off after them. Fortunately, traffic prevents her from crossing the street. Off-screen, My New Gangbanging Husband squeezes off a couple of rounds. The camera cuts to the sun-drenched alleyway, where The Chinless Wonder takes a couple of rounds in his chest. The shot shifts into slow motion as Gonzo's lifeless head slams into the asphalt, a thin trickle of blood running from the corner of his mouth as his googly eyes glaze over. Hee! God, I hope Jessica caught this episode. Anyway, Phoebe rushes to Gonzo's side and cradles his dead head in her arms as Present Piper gets a little emotional. The shot slides back into real time as Present Piper glances through welling tears over to her future self, who has silently entered the alleyway amid the confusion. Future Piper nods her head sadly and dematerializes in a golden glow. Meanwhile, Phoebe drips snot all over Gonzo's rapidly cooling corpse while My New Gangbanging Husband and I address invitations to our commitment ceremony. The Chinless Wonder is dead! Hooray!
Manor, that evening. Piper and Raige ease themselves into the Bimbo Boudoir bearing solemn faces and plates of comfort food, only to find Short Attention Span Phoebe jamming away in front of her mirror with a Walkman glued to her ears. So much for those silly stages of grief, right? This woman has the brain of a gnat. And the Lessons Of The Week? No lesson for Raige, because Slampiece Max took care of her issues in the pre-credits sequence. Phoebe acknowledges that Gonzo was indeed little more than a rebound romance, and she promises to live in the now from here on out, or something. Piper vows never to interfere with Phoebe's romances again. Raige raises a suspicious brow. "Piper, is there something you know that we don't know?" "Let's just say," Piper allows, "that I had a little premonition of my own." Piper grins mischievously and darts from the room with Phoebe and Raige hard on her heels.
week, yet another tiresome gentleman cheats Death and returns from beyond the grave. This one barfs on Raige's shoes. Have fun!