The Eyes Have It

First things first: No, I don't speak Romanian, and yes, I'm misguided enough to believe tonight's incessant babbling in what the captioning insists is that little-known tongue is the writers' way of exacting revenge on us for slamming their misuse of more widely-known languages. Like English. Thanks for asking.

We fade up on Phoebe roaming the narrow, teeming alleyways of San Francisco's infamous Gypsy Quarter. Just go with it. The area's residents, in keeping with their time-honored tradition of warding off outside threats to the community, huddle in the alcoves of nearby buildings, crossing themselves repeatedly while forking the Evil Eye at Phoebe and her hateful ensemble of filmy Edwardian undergarments masquerading as outerwear. Or maybe the alleyway is pretty much deserted and I'm the superstitious soul cowering in a corner muttering dark oaths under my breath in a language I don't speak as that bony hag crosses into my frame of vision. What's with the knit hat, Feebs? We covering the bald spot left behind after that operation we had to remove the tumor? She doesn't answer me. Perhaps the surgery left her deaf. One can only hope she's now mute as well. The camera follows Phoebe into the storefront parlor of the local palmist, who's lighting a couple of candles by the register. "Are you closing?" Phoebe inquires. Dammit. She can still talk. The palmist turns, regards Phoebe with a smile, and replies, "Not anymore -- please come in." "I am Madame Tereza," the woman continues. Phoebe introduces herself in kind. Madame T reveals that she already knows Phoebe's name. "Did you read my mind?" splutters the Feebs. "No," Madame T smirks with a kindly twinkle in her eye. "I read your column." You know, I would love to see for myself one of these Bay Mirror advice columns that have so captured the hearts and minds of Northern California's chatterati. They keep telling us the Feebs is some mystical, compassionate font of wit and wisdom, but they have yet to produce actual evidence in support of this claim. I mean, should Dan Savage be watching his back? Should Sars be watching hers? These are the questions that keep me awake at night, dammit!

In any event, Madame T is quite the vivid stereotype, what with the thick Central European accent, the red silk blouse, the paisley-patterned head scarf, and enough jangly, bejeweled baubles dangling from her ears, neck, and wrists to choke Elizabeth Taylor. "You're not sure if you're a believer, are you?" she asks of the Feebs. Phoebe assures her that she does indeed believe in the power of the Gypsies, and confides, "I didn't know where else to turn." Madame T gestures towards a nearby pair of chairs and joins Phoebe as she sits at the table. At the center of the table is a crystal ball as big as Phoebe's head. "Let's see what your hands tell us," Madame T grins. She examines Phoebe's right palm, then exclaims, "You have the gift of foresight!" Phoebe flinches and withdraws her hand, afraid that she's revealed her secret bitchcraft to a stranger. Madame T assures her that whatever they discuss shall remain in the shop, so Phoebe relaxes a bit. Madame T whips out a Sharpie and enhances the various lines on Phoebe's palm. We're informed that Phoebe is "creative," "sensitive," "street-smart," and blessed with strong, close family ties. Again, I must insist on proof. Although now that I think about it, Madame T could be a fortune teller of the shrewdly polite sort, editing down to more flattering sound bites a reading that actually tells us Phoebe is "creative" in manipulating any given situation to her benefit, "sensitive" to the needs of no one but herself, "street-smart" in the way a hooker knows which is the most profitable corner to work, and "blessed with strong, close family ties" she has no problem breaking whenever things aren't going her way. That sound about right to you? Works for me.

Anyway, Madame T rightfully wonders why Phoebe's chosen to consult a stranger for advice, given her supposed close ties to her family. Phoebe, whose softer make-up this week has left her looking like Rupert Graves in drag, breathes, "I don't want to worry them." As if that attitude's ever been helpful in the past. "I'm having trouble with...my gift," Phoebe stammers, "and that's why I'm here. I want to figure out what's wrong." Madame T examines Phoebe's index fingers and diagnoses overwork. "Besides my column and my personal appearances," Phoebe glums, "my boss has me giving advice on a radio show." There are so many things wrong with that one sentence that I'm just going to press on before I vomit all over my laptop. Madame T basically tells Phoebe that her emphasis on her professional life is blocking her premonitions. This is, of course, A Very Bad Thing, as Phoebe's "gift must be honored." And no, Feebs, hacking out an advice column for a weekly tabloid, cruising Marin County shopping malls in the hopes that your adoring fans will shower you with adulation like you're some sort of scantily-clad West Coast analogue to Sally Field in Soapdish, and flashing your implants at Oakland's version of Mancow during morning drive-time are not the actions of someone "honoring her gift." Just so we're clear on that, okay?

Phoebe bites her lip, drops her gaze, and softly wonders how she can strike a balance in her life. Madame T gifts her with a warm, winning smile, and says, "Let's start by unblocking some of that energy, shall we?" Aw. I like Madame T -- she's like Grams on goulash. I'll be sorry when she ends up battered and lifeless on that Oriental carpet of hers. Whoops. Spoiler! Madame T and Phoebe link hands, close their eyes, and concentrate on their breathing. Suddenly, a violent shudder passes through Madame T's body, almost as if a burst of energy traveled through Phoebe's hands into her own. Phoebe recognizes this particular physical reaction and guesses that Madame T "intercepted" a premonition meant for her. Madame T shoots Phoebe a horrified look and leaps to her feet, insisting that Phoebe vacate the premises immediately. Madame T shoves Phoebe onto the sidewalk and draws the blinds once she's locked the door behind her. Phoebe gapes.

Elsewhere in the apparently vast Gypsy Quarter, an angular, middle-aged bleached blonde with fried ringlets, black roots, and a sparkly pink headband paces in front of an old Gulf Stream trailer, babbling into her cell phone and trying to get Madame T to calm down. We cut back to the palmist's parlor, where Madame T hastily packs a suitcase. "Orrin!" the terrified Tereza moans into her cordless. "He's coming for me!" Dude. Orrin Hatch? I'd be scared shitless. Kidding! Tereza actually identifies her antagonist as a "Gypsy Hunter," which has to be one of the rarer job titles circulating at the moment. Nearly as rare as "Mormon Senator." Sparkly Headband claims that the reappearance of Orrin is impossible, as they "blinded him decades ago" and "only Gypsy magic can lift his curse." Heh. I think somebody on staff hates the senior senator from Utah as much as I do. "It had to be him, Lydia," Tereza counters, tossing fistfuls of trinkets into her bag. "The girl I was dukkering for -- she has a powerful gift for seeing and somehow, I received her vision." Lydia and her ebony roots realize that Madame T's not kidding with all this and offer to spirit her to safety. Madame T immediately shoots this idea down and insists that Lydia pack her things to flee the city as well. "If he's hunting Shuvanis," she warns, "he could be after you ." As Madame T urges Lydia to leave, a shuddering swoosh hits the soundtrack. Tereza turns to gasp something in Romanian at the tall, dirty-blond intruder who's appeared in her shop as Lydia screams Tereza's name over and over again into her cell. "You were expecting me?" the intruder asks. The intruder's too-close eyes, overly prominent nose, and puckered lips are smashed together in the center of his face, and the fact that his hair's spiked up to Jesus isn't exactly mitigating his weaselly appearance. "Orrin?" Tereza demands. "You've heard of my father," Son Of Mormon replies. "He'll be pleased." "What do you want?" Tereza spits, her fingers slowly curling into defensive claws. "His revenge," Sonny intones, "and your eyes." Sonny twists his lips into a menacing sneer and stretches his hands before him. Glowing bolts of reddish electricity materialize at his fingertips and race to the centers of his palms, where they fuse to blast outwards across the room towards Tereza's head. She unhinges her jaw to howl in pain as her eye sockets blaze and we hurtle into the opening credits.

In the event that anyone out there cares, tonight's Cole- and Darryl-free version of the opening credits includes the familiar shot of Piper freezing the exploding centerpiece from "Ms. Hellfire," Raige redirecting The Shell Of Suck with her orbing telekinesis from the season premiere, and Phish 'n' Tits leaping from the water from the same episode. And you thought you'd never have to see the golden pasties again, didn't you? Muah ha ha ha ha ha.