Hey, Strega! He's baaaaack! But then, you knew that already. Welcome to Sunday nights, Ms. S. The good news is you'll no longer be risking inadvertent exposure to Beverley Mitchell. The bad news?
Fade up on Miss Phoebe Halliwell, groaning and sweating in her bed. Before you all lunge for those escargot forks to poke out your eyes, relax, because it's not like that. Phoebe's actually groaning and sweating her way through a "Previously on Charmed" segment that's been cleverly disguised as a nightmare. The older footage that follows flashes onto the screen between shots of the Feebs thrashing her shredded coif about on her pillow, and yes, it's exactly as attractive as it sounds. Cole introduces himself to Phoebe and Prue, but Shannen Doherty's been PhotoShopped out of the frame. Cole grabs onto Phoebe's ankle, and something approximating love blooms. Cole shoves his tongue down Phoebe's throat, thereby marking his territory. Cole slowly raises a dagger over his head to plunge it into the Feeble One's ample, corseted breast. In the Cavern of the Bi Kraps, Cole shoots his hand out, grabbing Phoebe by the neck and pushing her against a wall. Cole protests, "I'm not evil anymore," and that could have come from any of at least twenty episodes, so no link for you. Cole slips a wedding ring onto Phoebe's finger. Cole and Phoebe arrive for their coronation. And, finally, the New And Improved Glamorous Ladies vanquish The Sole. As the concussion blast from the vanquish blows Casa del Sole's French doors outwards off their hinges, Phoebe bolts upright in bed, gasping.
The camera fades to an exterior shot of the Manor, then crosses over to the TransAmerica Pyramid as night melts into day. A humpbacked whale birthing triplets moans in agony as the shot cuts to an amply-endowed woman straddling a dangerously attractive surfer-gone-yuppie type on a bed. My apologies. According to the closed captioning, that's not a large aquatic mammal pumping out a trio of sea pups. It's actually a "woman humming," and you can knock it off with the filthy snickering, because both the lady and her conquest are fully clothed. The amply-endowed woman sports a brunette Bettie Page bob and some serious PVC bondage wear. Bettie slides her thumb along her gentleman's lips before jerking it away to announce, "It's time -- your wife is almost here." "Melissa," groans the dangerously-attractive yupster. "Yes," Bettie croons. "Didn't I mention? I always like to let the wives watch their men die." On cue, Mousy Missy and her drab twin set enter the bedroom to gawp. "David?" they bleat. Oh, see? There's your problem, honey. You should never have gotten involved with a guy named Dave. They're all worthless sluts -- every single one of them. As if to prove my sweeping generalization, Slutty Dave drags Bettie down onto the bed for a sizzling liplock. Of course, this being Charmed and all, that would be a sizzling of the literal sort. Smoke curls from the side of Slutty Dave's mouth, followed by a tiny burp of flame as Bettie releases her death grip on his neck and yanks her face away from his. Slutty Dave drops back, eyes and mouth agape, dead.
"Wow," Bettie goofs, wiping a bit of simmering spittle from the side of her mouth. "Your husband was so much fun!" Bettie grabs Mousy Missy by the brassiere and slings her across the room into a vanity. Bettie ambles over to the window and flutters her hand across the drapes as Mousy Missy wheezes on the carpet. The drapes burst into flames. Missy dives for her slutty dead Dave, but Bettie pulls her back by her hair to lay a little exposition on her mousy ass before leaving her to die. "I was burned for my sins," Bettie explains. "Only fair you should burn, too." Mousy Missy drops to the floor unconscious as Bettie smokes on out of there.
The Bay Mirror. Phoebe's on the phone with Cole, whining about their relationship. Again. "Death did us part, Cole," she gripes. "Just because you figured out a way to come back doesn't mean I didn't keep my end of the bargain." They reference the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. They bicker about his pro bono work. They dispute his repeated protestations of innocence. Thankfully, a breaking news story on Cole's office television cuts this hateful conversation short. Cole wiggles some mojo from his fingers to the set, upping the volume to learn that Mousy Missy and Slutty Dave's neighbors fear they're still trapped in their blazing apartment. Cole drops the telephone receiver onto his desk and smears out. Phoebe shouts his name a couple of times as her colleagues at the paper gather around a television of their own. The colleagues mumble their collective astonishment when Cole suddenly appears on the screen, lugging the limp and suspiciously unsinged form of Mousy Missy out of the blazing building and into the arms of a waiting fireman. Phoebe's struck dumb and gapes as the credits smack her in the teeth.
"Struck dumb." Heh. Bit redundant, eh?
Opening travelogue, heavy on both the Bay Area bridges and the ultrasonic ovaries. Over at the Manor, Raige futzes with a potion in the kitchen while ignoring the nauseated Piper, who belches iridescent bubbles of twinkly Whitelighter orbs. No, seriously. Piper, irritated, slams a frying pan onto the floor, finally capturing Raige's attention. Rather than immediately addressing the issue of her unnatural emissions, Piper chooses to engage Raige in a stirring round of expository dialogue. The gals remind the audience that Raige has been on some sort of wild Wiccan kick since quitting her job, and that Piper's icky pregnant-lady hormones are wreaking havoc on her body. This week's havoc has taken the form of a sense of smell so heightened it threatens to keep Piper doubled over a toilet bowl, hacking up her stomach lining should something not be done. In addition, her breasts are very, very tender. Way to overshare, Piper. Raige insists she hasn't the time to lounge around chatting when there are so many new potions to brew, or something. "I don't want to chat," Piper growls, dropping a couple of Alka Seltzer into a glass. "I've got problems, here. Jeez. You're like my husband. With boobs." Heh. Boobs are funny. Except when they're attached to Phoebe. Piper accents her last statement with another orby belch, which leads to a discussion of The Issues Of The Week. The percolating infant continues to "play tricks," the latest being to force Piper against her will into a sort of pacifism. Meanwhile, the Dolt's ignoring this latest development in favor of focusing on his duties as a Whitelighter. Raige grimaces in sympathetic frustration as the blare of a televised news report enters the kitchen from the parlor.
The ladies wander in to find the Dolt sprawled on the sofa, his eyes glued to the parlor TV set. The gals glance over in time to catch a repeat of Cole lugging Mousy Missy from the burning building. The local station has determined Cole's actions merit the title "EARLIER TODAY." Erm. I mean, "HEROIC RESCUE." Sorry. Raige's unfortunate choice of accessories temporarily distracted me. She's cinched this overlong swatch of bright blue fabric through the belt loops on her low-slung jeans, and the excess material dangles from her crotch precisely like a gigantic, Smurfy version of the obscene appendage you all have in mind at the moment. Anyway, we learn that the ever-useless Elders sent the Dolt back to the Manor because Mousy Missy is one of those future Whitelighters the writing staff tosses into the mix occasionally to justify the Dolt's presence on this show. Had Cole not saved her, Missy would not have "earned her wings." Piper couldn't care less, as the percolating infant conjured a dreamtime animated musical for her "entertainment" the evening. That I want to see. An entire episode devoted to Piper's pregnancy-fueled hallucinations? Bring it on. The Dolt whatevers, announcing he has to bolt to ensure Mousy Missy's safety. "Fine," Piper retorts, her voice quavering a bit. "Oh, no," moans the Dolt. "Not the crying thing." Holly Marie Combs cracks me up with her subsequent line about how her "wonky" powers combined with her raging hormones on top of her husband's apparent indifference to it all "absolutely entitle [her] to do the crying thing." A transcription won't do it justice, so you're going to have to trust me on this one. Her delivery made that line far more amusing than it had any right to be. The Dolt looks guilty. Shut up, Dolt. Piper lets loose with another orby belch, leading Raige to demand, "Is that normal?" The Dolt dismisses the unnatural emissions, certain the arguing has merely upset the baby. Piper gets in another good one with, "[Dolt], the baby's an inch long. All of this arguing is upsetting the mommy!" The Dolt, chagrined, insists Mousy Missy must come first, and orbs out after kissing Piper on the back of her head.
Raige offers to chase after the Dolt and drag his worthless ass back to the Manor, but Piper sighs and agrees that "innocents come first." Besides, the Dolt's overaggressive application of cologne that morning made her want to puke. Piper decides to hit up Darryl for some information on Mousy Missy's flaming apartment while Raige remains in the house to abuse the Book of Shadows. Raige too-casually wonders if a Darklighter might be responsible for Missy's woes, but Piper reminds her that Darklighters are archers, not arsonists. Piper heads off while Raige flails her arms around and sighs.
The Bay Mirror. Elise barges into Phoebe's office and demands Phoebe land an exclusive interview for the paper with Cole regarding the HEROIC RESCUE. Phoebe yodels. Scene.
Elsewhere, Bettie leans against a bar and fondles a martini while chatting up yet another gentleman who refuses to abide by his marriage vows. Not that you asked, but Rule Number One in Demian's Big Book Of Dating Tips is "No Married Men." And that would include priests, because they're married to Jesus. Hey, if they can't take their vows seriously, I'll do it for them, you know what I mean? Bastards. Actually, I lied. Rule Number One is "No Hairdressers Or Flight Attendants," but the prohibition on married men and priests runs a close second, followed by the whole No Daves thing. And while I'm busy not recapping the scene, I'll take time to note I was a bit hasty naming this woman Bettie. She more closely resembles a better-fed, brunette Jeri Ryan, especially with that black bondagewear they've stapled onto her body. Perhaps I should have gone with Seven Of Slut? I'll compromise. Seven Of Bettie sidles over to The Bastard Who's Probably Named Dave and makes with the flirting. The Constipated Humpback reappears on the soundtrack as That Married Dave Bastard leans in for a kiss. The seduction grinds to a halt when Seven Of Bettie spots the HEROIC RESCUE on the bar's TV. "She's alive," Seven Of Bettie breathes, releasing her grip on That Married Dave Bastard's face. That Married Dave Bastard's all, "Come again?" Seven Of Bettie sneers, "You have no idea how lucky you just got." Bastard Dave mopes. No sex for Dave!
The Bay Mirror. Phoebe interviews Cole. Wah blah blah bicker blah bleh feh. Even the closed captioning can't be bothered to transcribe it correctly. At one point, the captioning would have us believe Cole promises to "reign it in." Love to see you try, sweetie. Julian McMahon does look quite fetching, however. To be honest, the lighting manages to flatter Alyssa Milano as well. This despite the fact she's hit an Assy Trifecta of rotten hair, ludicrous wardrobe, and ghoulish makeup that combined make her look like an skeletal Toni Basil. They replaced the entire technical staff over the hiatus, you know, and it's starting to seem as if they made the correct decision. Now if they could just load Eilish and her minions into a rocket and shoot the damn thing into the middle of the...what? The scene's over? What happened?
Manor. Piper barrels into the attic with confirmation that Missy was not attacked by a Darklighter, only to discover -- to her horror -- that Raige has summoned and trapped a Darklighter of her very own for interrogation purposes. However. The Darklighter's pretty cute when he isn't scowling, and God knows Raige hasn't gotten any since that weaselly "friend" of hers dropped by on his way to Oakland, so I think there are some ulterior motives rearing their celibate heads here. Raige has placed the Darklighter in a flaring cage anchored by The Mystical Crysticals Of Demonic Entrapment, and occasionally tortures him by flinging a fiery pellet at his feet. Where's the love, Raige? Huh? Piper drags Raige into a corner to shriek at her for dragging so deadly a force into the Manor. While the ladies busy themselves with incessant bitching, the Darklighter manages to flip a Mystical Crystical out of formation. He immediately conjures a crossbow and squeezes off a poisoned arrow, but Piper and Raige dive in opposite directions. The arrow plunges harmlessly into a nearby dress form. The Darklighter glowers and reloads as Piper flings out her hands. A tiny, colorful fireworks display explodes in the air above the puzzled Darklighter's head. Heh. Raige growls and calls for the crossbow with her orbing telekinesis. Once it materializes in her hands, she nails the Darklighter in his chest with one of his own arrows. The Darklighter howls and wails and dissolves into a cloud of black goo. No sex for Raige!
Piper and Raige hiss and scratch at each other a bit more before Raige wonders what happened to Piper's powers. Piper snots in a seething sing-song, "I think my half-Whitelighter baby thought that fireworks would be prettier than demon guts." I think that line's funnier when you hear her delivery. She then bellows for the Dolt. Repeatedly. While bellowing, she also manages to exposit that Slutty Dave's "lungs were incinerated before the apartment burned." Three other Married Bastards Who Were Probably Also Named Dave met similar fates recently, so Missy's involvement is likely coincidental. Piper bellows once more for the husband. In the silence that follows, Piper's cell phone rings. She answers. "Yeah, whassup?" whispers the Dolt. Heh. The Dolt and his beer gut are staking out Mousy Missy's hospital room, waiting for an opportune moment to sneak in and apply the tingly touch, so neither he nor his beer gut can return to the Manor. Piper passes the cell phone to Raige, removes the bitch she had strapped on to eviscerate her half-sister, rummages around the attic for the larger bitch Grams would strap on whenever the Feebs got mouthy, finds it, decides it isn't big enough for her current purposes, heads downstairs to Prue's old bedroom, slides open the panel to the secret compartment in the closet wherein Prue kept the enormous bitch reserved for Phoebe's most egregious acts of stupidity, enlists Raige's aid in fastening it onto her body, retrieves her cell phone, and places it against her ear. The Dolt hangs up. Piper clenches.
Seven Of Bettie smokes into Missy's hospital room just as the Dolt enters from the hall. Seven Of Bettie spots his silver wedding band and smiles. Cue the Mating Call Of The Constipated Humpback. The Dolt horns up, and wow. Those are four words I never needed to type.
Manor. Piper, snarling, topples several priceless antiques with Prue's Enormous Bitch while Raige wonders what they should do. Piper vows, "Vanquish demon first, kill husband later." If only. As she heads over to the Book of Shadows, the Mating Call Of The Constipated Humpback invades the room. Prue's Enormous Bitch drops from Piper's body of its own accord and crashes through several floors to the basement as Piper's eyes glaze over. Piper stammers, "I had no idea whales blocked up like that." Raige rolls her eyes.
Hospital. Raige orbs into Missy's room with Piper just as Seven Of Bettie starts searing herself some Dolt lung. Raige grabs an IV stand and cracks it across Seven Of Bettie's back. The Dolt claws at his chest in pain as Seven Of Bettie takes a header into a wall. Upon Raige's order, the Dolt orbs out with Mousy Missy while Seven Of Bettie and the Ps regroup. "Kiss this, bitch," Piper snots, promo-style, flinging her hands in Seven Of Bettie's direction. A spray of flowers erupts in the air above Seven Of Bettie's head, then cascades to the floor around her body. Seven Of Bettie smirks and lunges towards Piper with outstretched telekinetic palms. Piper hurtles backwards through the window and disappears. Raige hurls the IV stand at Seven Of Bettie as if it were a javelin, impaling Seven Of Bettie clean through her abdomen. Seven Of Bettie smokes away. Raige dematerializes into a cloud of orbs that flies out the window after Piper, who all this time has been plunging fifteen floors towards the sidewalk, as we discover when the shot cuts to the hospital facade. The wee CGI Cloud Of Raige dives towards the wee CGI Piper, slowing Piper's descent and knocking her sideways into a convenient Dumpster. Wrong Glamorous Lady amid the medical waste, guys, but nice try. Piper and Raige wriggle out through the garbage bags. "I hit her with flowers?" shrills Piper. Raige extracts a used syringe from her teeth and grunts, "You're welcome." Commercial.
Manor parlor. The Dolt hovers over Missy to apply the tingly touch as Raige orbs into the hallway with a furiously snit-faced Piper. Piper freezes Missy before she has a chance to freak. Raige scampers off to the basement to retrieve Prue's Enormous Bitch for Piper's use in the upcoming argument. I kid. She actually heads into the kitchen for the Book of Shadows while Piper bitches mightily about the sizzling hospital liplock in which she found the Dolt. He tries to explain. Piper ignores him to bitch mightily about their "pacifist offspring" and said offspring's unwelcome meddling with her powers. The Dolt rises and crosses to her, making with some soothing sounds that Piper answers with ever more mighty bitching. Raige scampers back into the room with the Book opened to Seven Of Bettie's entry, which reads, "As a mortal, the Siren fell in love with a married man, but when they were caught, the man was held blameless." "Typical," Piper snots. Not to mention historically accurate. The bit about assignment of blame in cases of adultery, I mean, not the bastardization of centuries of folklore regarding Sirens for the purposes of televised entertainment. "The village women cheered as they burned her to death," Raige continues, "and her rage turned her into a Siren -- a vengeful demon who seduces married men with her song, then destroys the couple with the very flames that consumed her." There's a Women's Studies thesis in there somewhere. Raige opines that Seven Of Bettie isn't anything they can't handle with a good potion. The Dolt begs to differ: "You didn't feel her power." "Looked to me like you felt a little bit more than her power," Piper spits, and we're off! Piper, the Dolt, the Dolt's beer gut, and the Dolt's bloated ass launch into a screamy marital smackdown of epic proportions while Raige gesticulates wildly on the sidelines. As the marrieds screech, twinkly little clouds of glowy colored lights -- pink for Piper, blue for Dolt -- emerge from their backs. Raige prudently attempts to bring the twinkly clouds to their owners' attention, but Piper and the Dolt are far too absorbed in their bitchfest to listen. The fight reaches a climax when Piper and the Dolt howl, nearly in unison, "You have no idea what I go through every day!" At that, the glowy clouds suddenly spike backwards, then shoot forwards into the air between Piper and the Dolt to clash in a brief, purplish flare. The blue bolt rams into Piper's chest, the pink bolt shoots into the Dolt, the double impact knocks the battling marrieds onto their respective asses, and we enter the Freaky Friday portion of this evening's proceedings. Woo. Hoo.
While Raige explains what just happened, Mousy Missy snaps out of the freeze and gapes. Piper makes to refreeze her, but instead billows up towards the ceiling in an orbing cloud. Missy, clad in nothing more than a flimsy hospital gown, gasps and races for the front door. The Dolt lunges to restrain her, but ends up tossing some of Piper's explosive mojo at the front doors instead. The glass panels erupt and shatter outwards onto the porch. Missy wails and streaks out towards the street. Barefoot. Over broken glass. Whatever. Phoebe arrives in time to make it all about her. "Why do I have the feeling my day's about to get worse?" she gripes. The Dolt stutters and stammers while Piper glares.
Meanwhile, Seven Of Bettie has dragged some Magical Ethnic Homeless Guy to her lair so he can remove the IV stand from her stomach. The Methnic yanks the pole out of Seven Of Bettie's stomach to sniff it, and yes, that's as disturbing as it sounds. Despite the fact he's nosing around clots of Bettie's gore, he's able to confirm she was impaled by the Charmed Ones. He then spackles her gaping wounds with Vegemite, counseling caution when dealing with the Glamorous Ladies. "You should leave before the witches find you," he advises. Bettie responds in a manner I completely misinterpreted the first time I saw this. "I want them to find me," she claims. "Save me from having to sing for their husbands." I initially took this to mean she welcomed a Halliwell vanquish, as it would spare her further centuries of dealing with rotten married bastards named Dave. Hearing it again, it's clear she simply wants to avoid another encounter with the Dolt, which is both entirely understandable and a shame. Had my initial interpretation been correct, Bettie would have made a far more interesting villain. It's my own fault, really, looking for some sort of complexity in tertiary characters on Charmed. What was I thinking? In any event, Seven Of Bettie makes with the threats while the Methnic shakes his head in disdain.
Manor. Piper, Phoebe, and the Dolt process the power swap while Raige paces near the broken doors with the Book. Phoebe grins that by switching the powers around, the percolating infant did "what any good marriage counselor would have done" by forcing Piper and the Dolt to "walk a mile in each other's shoes." Piper and I roll our eyes, snorting derisively. Just then, Raige calls out, "Abracadabra!" The shattered bits of glass and wood puzzle themselves back together, restoring the front doors. Piper's surprised Raige accomplished all that with one word. Raige admits she actually used a spell, adding, "I just always wanted to say that." Hey, as long as you aren't spouting that Object Of Objection crap anymore, honey, it's all fine with me. Raige announces she's off to the kitchen to prepare a Bettie vanquish. The Dolt wonders if they should reverse the power swap first. Raige playfully reminds them of the rules -- the swap's in place until Piper and the Dolt have learned their lesson. Piper grunts, "I hate that. It's so very Afterschool Special." That has to be a shout-out, people.
Kitchen. Okay, you remember back in the first season? When Prue and Phoebe accidentally switched powers, and Prue gained a newfound appreciation for Phoebe's premonitions as a result of the migraines they caused? Same thing here, only it's Piper with the newfound appreciation, this time gleaned from the migraine brought on by the chatter of innocents in her Whitelighter head. Moving on. Repetitive knocking echoes throughout the Manor. Piper's certain she's gone insane until the others assure her they can hear it as well. Cole smears in. Phoebe snarls at the intrusion. "What?" Cole shrugs. "I knocked." Yeah, yeah. It's a cheap gag, but I giggled like an idiot nevertheless. Cole's come to warn them of Seven Of Bettie, but we've already beaten that issue to death, so let's focus our attention on the Dolt. He belches an iridescent bubble of glowy orbs. Piper, delighted, believes the percolating infant swapped bodies as well. Much as a pregnant Dolt would amuse Raige, she reminds Piper that the Dolt blew up the front doors rather than spraying them with rose petals; therefore, Piper's still pregnant, but the Dolt evidently gets to harbor all the physical symptoms. This should suck -- or will it?. Phoebe dryly attributes this to magic's "sick sense of humor." "Are your boobs always this sore?" whispers the Dolt. Piper grins maliciously.
Cole attempts to steer the topic of conversation away from the Dolt's tender nipples, announcing he's there to help, for Seven Of Bettie represents a particularly pernicious form of evil. As the gals' powers are a little off at the moment, they might appreciate his assistance, no? The Manor gang tells Cole to blow it out his ass. He smears off in a huff, vowing to vanquish Bettie himself. Once he's gone, the chattering in Piper's head increases in volume. It's Mousy Missy, screeching for help. After a brief reassignment of responsibilities, Piper and Raige orb out. "Ready to kick some demon ass, Sis?" Phoebe snides. The Dolt mopes. Shut up, Dolt.
Over among the charred remains of Missy's apartment, Piper and Raige orb in quietly behind the lady of the ruin, then natter loudly over how best to approach the situation. Missy overhears them and flees. She's still barefoot, by the way. I smell gangrene. Piper gets another call on her stoopid supernatural hotline and orders Raige to follow Missy while she takes care of the new crisis. Raige's protests fall on deaf ears. Piper orbs out...
...and orbs back in to find herself in a dark, forbidding alleyway in Paris. France, mind you, not Kentucky. See the floodlit Eiffel Tower in the distance? I'm not even going to bother wondering what that rooster's doing there. A desperate, distressed demoiselle shouts, "Il est ou Léo?" I haven't taken a French class in two decades, but isn't that grammatically incorrect? Whatever. When they correct their goddamned English on this show, I'll start worrying about their French. Piper, much to her surprise, spits out a bit of French in response. She grabs the demoiselle's hand and flees just as the demoiselle's gun-toting pimp arrives to squeeze off a couple of rounds that...
...shatter a cupboard in the Manor kitchen. Gotcha! The cupboard's untimely demise is actually the result of the Dolt aiming for a plant with Piper's molecular manipulation and missing by a mile. The Dolt mopes some more -- this time with some extra-special added griping involving morning sickness and chafing tits and unnatural emissions and the stench of his own cologne and why don't you cry for us, Dolt? Cry! Piper orbs in, deposits the French chicken on the kitchen floor, wonders when the Dolt was going to let her know he spoke the language all along, and orbs out. Phoebe hands the Dolt a stack of saltines for his nausea and a pad of paper upon which he can compose a summoning spell for Seven Of Bettie. "Now I'm supposed to rhyme?" he mumbles, on the verge of tears. "No rest for the whiny," Phoebe airily replies as she glides out into the dining room. The Dolt's lower lip quivers. Heh. This show really is a hell of a lot better when they play it for comedy.
Down in the sewers, Cole tosses the Methnic up against a wall, demanding Seven Of Bettie's location. Once more with the Mating Call Of The Constipated Humpback. Seven Of Bettie slinks into the chamber behind the boys, and Cole's eyes instantly glaze over. As Cole releases the Methnic from the chokehold, the Methnic smirks, "I'm sure you two will want to be alone." The Methnic gathers his belongings and vanishes. Bettie oozes over to Cole, who moves in for a kiss. Seven Of Bettie places a finger on his lips. "First," she coos, "I must sing for your witch." No, Bettie. First, Catherine Zeta-Jones must sell us some wireless service, then you must sing for Cole's witch.
Manor. Up in the dining room, Phoebe lounges against a barricade jerry-built from the table and a couple of throw pillows. The Dolt toddles in from the kitchen with his attempt at a summoning spell. He hunkers down beside the Feebs and reads, "Oh, singing lady of the dusk, who preys on men, turns love to lust, we hearken ye..." "Enough already!" Phoebe squeals in revulsion, like, shut it, bitch. You've written far worse. And I have the recaps to prove it.
Whoa. Am I defending the Dolt against scorn and ridicule? Dammit all to hell! Phoebe ruins everything!
Blah. So, the Feebs assures the Dolt they can rework his last line as Raige orbs back from her Mission Of Missy. The Dolt immediately wonders why Raige didn't escort Missy back to the Manor as well. Raige is forced to admit her charge got herself arrested. See, the San Francisco Police don't take kindly to near-naked women roaming barefoot down the middle of Market Street, which should come as something of a surprise to the Lesbian Avengers, but then those ladies do tend to limit their exposure to the Pride parade in June. Anyway, Missy will be spending the evening in jail, a development Raige welcomes as it ensures Missy's safety. The Dolt's outraged. "This could be the final straw!" he wails, rising to his feet. "The beginning of a downward spiral from which she'll [sob] never recover!" What was that? The Dolt's getting all verklempt. Aw. Not. He slumps over to the parlor to pout in an overstuffed chair. Raige raids the fridge for some Chunky Monkey while Phoebe pets the actual chunky monkey on his head. Kidding. They blather about icky girl hormones for a bit before Piper orbs in to bitch about Missy's incarceration. Phoebe, unnoticed, hearkens to the sudden and convenient Mating Call Of The Constipated Contrivance, and vanishes while Piper grouses some more about her busy evening saving lives. Piper and the Dolt both chide Raige for abandoning a charge in favor of returning to the Manor for a vanquish, arguing that such action is symptomatic of the larger issue affecting Raige. Specifically, Raige has been as of late suppressing her Whitelighter half in favor of focusing solely upon the Craft. As a result, she's thrown her naturally balanced priorities out of whack. Piper makes what could be a contentious assertion when she claims, "It's our compassion -- not our powers -- that separates us from the bad guys." I'll leave that statement alone for now, but it might represent a heretofore unheard-of justification for the rehabilitation of Cole. You good people can debate its implications on the forums while I concentrate on getting this damn recap done. Raige reluctantly agrees with her half-sister and the hormonal brother-in-law, and orbs out to finish her Mission Of Missy. Piper and the Dolt share A Moment. Shut up, Dolt.
Trudeau Memorial, formerly Andy's House Of Beef, formerly The Loneliest Precinct House In The World. An uniformed officer escorts Raige to an interview room, wherein sits the forlorn Mousy Missy. During what is actually a nice little scene, Raige manages to reconnect with her inner Whitelighter through connecting with the mousy widow, in the process eliminating the possibility of a pesky downward spiral that would have robbed Missy of her wings.
Manor. Piper and the Dolt have finally noted Phoebe's absence. The Dolt frets that Phoebe might have fallen under the influence of Seven Of Bettie, and instructs Piper to scan for Phoebe's presence. Piper bitches that she can't focus on any one voice out of the thousands babbling in her brain, latches onto the Dolt's arm, and orbs out.
Casa Del Cole. Piper orbs in with the Dolt and the Dolt's beer gut, only to find an empty apartment. Piper snits that she thought they'd be there. The Dolt orders her to try again with the scanning.
The Lair Of The Bettie. Seven's over on her bed, getting busy with a gratuitously-shirt-free Cole. Heh. I think McMahon insisted on a shirtless scene just to prove he's no slouch in the abs department, unlike a certain gargoyle-faced colleague he could mention. Not that I'm complaining. Phoebe wanders into the room just as Seven Of Bettie scorches Cole's lungs. Bettie rises from what she believes is Cole's corpse to TK Phoebe into a wall. Bad move, Bettie. Phoebe retrieves the vial of vanquish from her jacket pocket and hurls it at Bettie's ample bosom. Unexpectedly, the vial explodes in midair. Bettie whirls around to find Cole and his gratuitously-naked torso leering at her from across the room. Phoebe splutters that Cole just blew up the vanquish. "I know," he says, rising from the bed. "I want her for myself." He stalks over to Bettie, who attempts to smoke out of the chamber. Cole grabs hold of her arms and draws her close. Phoebe urges him to "make it hurt." Oh, he'll make it hurt, all right, but it's not the hurt Phoebe had in mind, if you know what I mean, and I think you do. Cole shoves his tongue down Seven Of Bettie's throat. Phoebe gapes as the onrushing commercials smack her in the teeth.
Casa Del Cole. After a couple of false starts and with some coaching from the Dolt, Piper locates the Feebs in The Lair Of The Bettie. What? I missed the bit where the Dolt finally acknowledges that Piper's life can be just a difficult as his own? I'm sorry, but I'm afraid you're mistaken. I didn't miss it. I ignored it.
The Lair Of The Bettie. Cole, shirtless and loving it, slams Phoebe onto a stone altar and starts to wring her whiny, selfish, stupid, talent-free, hideously-coiffed, bony, hag-ass neck. Bettie approves, and pardon me for a moment while I feel a bit of sympathy for Seven Of Bettie. She's spent God knows how many centuries cursed to roam the earth, scavenging for married bastards named Dave, and just when she's found a perfect mate in the form of a gratuitously-shirtless, unattached, non-Dave Cole, the Glamorous Ladies swoop in to vanquish her sorry ass. Poor Bettie. Anyway, Piper orbs into the chamber, dragging the Dolt and his beer gut behind her. The Dolt flings his hands in Bettie's direction, but manages only to vanquish an urn. The force of the explosion, however, does send Bettie flying backwards into a wall. Piper darts over to Phoebe and Cole, and, rather than orbing the fuck out of there with her sister, latches onto one of Cole's guns in a futile attempt to drag him away. Cole backhands her across the room for her troubles, but leave it to our spunky Piper to leap immediately from the floor onto Cole's back. Unfortunately, it seems Cole has already succeeded in choking the life out of his bony ex-wife. The Dolt, meanwhile, finally masters the wife's molecular manipulation, and directs another burst of mojo at Seven Of Bettie. Bettie quietly dissolves into a spray of Bettie bits. With Bettie's influence vanquished along with Bettie herself, Cole withdraws from Phoebe's lifeless form, supposedly aghast at what he's done. Piper applies the tingly touch to Phoebe's neck, and Phoebe, unfortunately, awakens. Cole -- chastened, abashed, and still gloriously shirtless -- apologizes weakly before smearing out of the chamber.
Manor kitchen, the following morning. The French rooster pecks away at the linoleum as Piper insists on assuming the blame for the still-extant power swap. The Dolt counters that it's all his fault, and in a near-shout-out, claims he's "an insensitive lout." The day Leo Wyatt insists he's "an insensitive dolt" will likely be the day that my work here at Television Without Pity is done. Anyway, Piper and the Dolt get schmoopy with each other as Raige wanders into the room in time to spot the twinkly little clouds of glowy colored lights reappearing behind their backs. Raige attempts to warn them of the impending explosion, but she's wasting her breath. The pink and blue bolts shoot back into their rightful owners, knocking said owners in opposite directions to the floor. The French rooster squawks in alarm. Shut it, bird. Piper and the Dolt dust themselves off, and Piper tests her powers by vanquishing a blameless bagel. The three blither about Lessons Learned before Raige retreats into the parlor. For some reason, Piper decides this would be the perfect time to do her husband. As steam rises from Dolt loins, some sick, sadistic bastard forces Holly Marie Combs to croon, "Voulez-vous couchez avec moi?" Gitchee gitchee ya chafing ta-tas out of my goddamned face, woman. And take that bloated gargoyle with you. Ew.
The Bay Mirror. Once again, Phoebe and Cole have been assigned the denouement, and if this relationship angst interested me at all, I'd transcribe it for you. Cole apologizes for strangling her. Phoebe sort of doesn't accept, yet leaves the door open to a future acceptance of said apology should said future acceptance happen to arrive during November sweeps. That's it, really. Thanks for trying guys, and compliments to McMahon and Milano for underplaying a scene for a change, but whatever. Enough of this shit already.
week, the Glamorous Ladies get all Birds Of Prey on the audience's collective ass. Lord help me, but it looks like it won't completely suck.