And yea, I say unto you that verily did I gaze upon this blank computer file entitled "A Witch's Tail, Part Two," and great was my weeping, like unto a vast, weepy, crying thing that wept and cried. And then I got over myself and started recapping this mess.
Previously on Charmed: Read all about it.
The second hour opens with a blissfully wordless montage of Phoebe swimming through the deep blue sea. In other words, they squeezed Alyssa Milano into a rubberized mermaid tail, tossed her into tank on the lot, and filmed her through portholes cut into the side. Phoebe's ensemble has been augmented with pukka-shell bracelets and a seed-pearl circlet with matching snood on her head. Phoebe swims and drifts and drifts and swims until bright, shiny objects capture her attention, at which point she stops everything to gaze at and pet them. That's gotta be a shout-out.
Here Be Hags, Manor Division. The Dolt, bloated as ever and once more sopping wet, orbs directly onto Grams's priceless Persian rug. Piper hisses at him, and he quickly sidesteps to the bare floorboards. The Dolt found the Feebs frolicking in the ocean, but he couldn't return her to the Manor because "she's too fast and slippery." Shudder. Full-body shudder. Piper can't figure out why Phoebe would choose a life of cold-hearted freedom in the ocean when she has a perfectly functional life of cold-hearted freedom on land with her sisters. Raige guhs, "Of course. You don't know." Piper and the Dolt advance on her, so Raige quickly spills everything she knows about Cole coming back from The Waste Land as some sort of super-powerful demonic force with highly acidic blood. The Dolt gets shirty, insisting that Raige should have informed him of Cole's return the moment she learned of it. Piper, meanwhile, busies herself by collapsing to the floor in a fit of hyperventilating panic. Raige and the Dolt help her onto the couch, where she bleats, "Does he want my baby?" Piper is most relieved when she learns that the former Source Of All Evil couldn't care less about her percolating infant, and would much rather have her sister instead. They blather about the nature of mermaids and whatnot, and Raige posits that her spell might have transformed Phoebe because Phoebe's heart had been so badly broken by Cole's antics over the latter half of last season. Neither Piper nor the Dolt have the slightest clue how to proceed. Raige suggests research, and lots of it. The three collect themselves from the sofa and head off to do just that.
Here Be Hags, Deep-Sea Division. Necron bursts into the cavern in a blaze of blue electrical bolts and scans the room. "[Hagnes]?" he calls. "I want my eternal life!" Necron tosses aside various items of nautical detritus as he searches for the now-dusty Hagnes. Eventually, he comes across her remains, and if any of you find filthy humor in that statement, you're as hopelessly, wickedly perverse as the people who write for this show. Necron passes a hand over the sad little pile of bone dust and cloth, sweeping most of it off to the side. He spies The Shell Of Suck in the remains and bends to retrieve it just as the Feebs arrives with some of her bright, shiny trinkets. Word to the wise: Alyssa Milano has chosen to baby-talk her way through her mermaid scenes, so if you're going to watch this episode, you might want to turn on the captioning and turn off the sound whenever she appears on screen. "Who are you?" she perks when Necron approaches her. "You have something I want," he threatens. The Feebs flings her entire collection of bright, shiny objects at his feet and dives deep into the glimmering pool. Necron instantly converts The Shell Of Suck into some sort of Ray Gun Of Doom and tags Phoebe square on her ass with a sparking bolt of electricity. The effects team adds a bloom of blood to the underwater shot of Phoebe swimming away to indicate grievous injury as Necron glares.
Hag Manor, the following morning. Up in the kitchen, Raige is in the process of blowing off work, a small library of reference books open before her on the breakfast table. Mr. Boss Man is not pleased, and hangs up on her as the Dolt orbs into the dining room. The Dolt pouts, "I lost her. Somewhere in the Gulf of Mexico." If it's at all possible for Hurricane Isidor to kill a fictional television character, then it's possible for me to buy Hurricane Isidor a beer after he's finished the job. The Dolt finds it increasingly difficult to track the Feebs the more thoroughly she loses herself in her mermaid identity. The two sit at the table and commiserate over the seeming hopelessness of the task at hand. Raige has the added angst of work-related stress, as her first big adoption case since her promotion threatens to implode due to her negligence. The Dolt orders her to head off to the office -- after all, she's "only an orb away" if they need her. In the meantime, he'll tackle the Feebs issue with Piper. Raige raises a sardonic brow at the mention of Piper's name. Seems Piper's anxiety attacks have gone from bad to worse overnight, and now she's pretty much useless. Raige suggests that the Dolt head to the attic to see for himself.
Hag Manor, Attic Subdivision. Piper sits cross-legged in a corner, spinning a plate on the floorboards while rocking rhythmically back and forth and flapping her hands. I jest. Am I the only person who remembers that movie about autism from high school psych class? Anyway, Piper's actually furiously scribbling possible spells on the attic walls with a piece of chalk, grunting in frustration whenever she trips up on a rhyme. As the camera pans across her work thus far, I swear I see "All work and no play make Piper a dull girl," which would rule if it were really there. The Dolt kneels down beside her to give her some sort of nattering pep talk about not allowing her icky pregnant-lady hormones to rule her life, but that's not important. What is important is that Brian Krause has gone from looking like a simple constipated chimpanzee to looking like a full-on gargoyle over the summer hiatus. Could be the unflattering lighting in this scene. Could be his new haircut, which is short and spiky and does him no favors around the face. And it could be that Brian Krause is, indeed, a full-on gargoyle. Anywho, the Dolt finishes up the pep chat by insisting that Piper needs "to remove [her] fear," and he's there to help her do that. Piper's face lights up at this, and she rises to her feet, asking if she could be left alone for just a little bit longer. Her spineless Dolt wimp of a husband agrees and exits. Piper crosses to a blank wall and scrawls "Fearless" on one of the planks. Wasn't that a Marky Mark movie? Oh, no. It was that horrible Rosie Perez movie with the plane crash, right? Yeesh. And she snapped up an Academy Award nomination for that piece of crap. Oy.
By the sea! By the sea! By the beautiful sea! You and me, you and me -- oh, how happy we'll be! Well, at least until the zooming camera lands on the Feebs, who perches above the water on a dock, gingerly examining her gaping, bloody ass wound. Fisherfolk approach, so the Feebs dives back into the water, trailing a cloud of ass blood behind her.
THE BLACK HOLE OF SOCIAL SERVICES, where Raige will resign from her job in fifty minutes and five seconds. Four seconds. Three seconds. Oh, sorry. Spoiler! Raige and Mr. Boss Man pedeconference through the cubicles, chatting about Phoebe's supposed "fishing accident." Mr. Boss Man urges Raige to make him proud or something, and peels away to his office. And look who's here! It's Cole, looking fine as always and come to annoy Raige! Or not. He's here to prove his inherent goodness to her so she'll urge Phoebe to take him back. Mr. Boss Man drops by with some more paperwork on Raige's rapidly-imploding adoption case. Cole introduces himself as "a partner at Jackman, Carter, and Kline" who's familiar with family law. If there's anything Cole can do to help Raige, Mr. Boss Man should let him know. Mr. Boss Man leaves again after expressing his admiration for Cole, volunteering as he is for pro bono social work. Raige snipes some more at her brother-in-law, there's a bad joke about fish for lunch, and then Raige drags Cole into the copier room to shriek at him in private.
Oh, copier room. I think I'll miss you most of all. Not. Raige lays a little exposition on the Cole, blaming him for Phoebe's transformation in the process. She none too kindly suggests he vanish himself to Tibet, and swears that Phoebe thinks he's "an evil freak with superpowers from Hell and battery acid for blood." It slowly dawns on him that this isn't Raige's longstanding animosity shrieking in his face -- it's Phoebe shrieking at him as well. Raige lobs a few more choice words at him and stomps out of the copier room for the very last time ever. Cole purses his lips and looks pensive.
Hag Manor, Attic Subdivision. Piper's finished her Rosie Perez spell and rises to her feet to recite it. Fortunately for my eardrums, she does not employ Rosie Perez's accent and inflections to do so. It goes a little like this:
Locked in,
Boxed in.
Full of fear,
My panic
Grows manic
'Til I can't hear.
In need
Of reprieve
So I can breathe.
Remove my fear,
Please make it leave.
Dude. Piper has got to stop listening to those alt-rock crapmeisters she books at P3. ["Or reading Kaia's crap poetry." -- Sars] Though I have to admit, whoever wrote this for her did a good job at tossing together a bit of rhyme that actually sounds like something Piper herself would create on her own. Whoa. Did I just compliment a Charmed writer? I need more coffee. Anyway, Piper glows a bit after she completes her recitation, and skitters to the full-length mirror to see if she can notice anything different in her demeanor.
Sittin' on the dock of the bay, watching some overweight bozos unload their trawler. Two of the guys position the net over a bin of some sort, and the third yanks on the rip-cord thingy once the net's in place. Like I know from commercial fishing. Of course -- of course -- the Feebs, unconscious, comes tumbling out of the net with the rest of the tuna and the halibut and whatnot. Moron. Mylar romped through the oceans for centuries before she gave it all up for a tawdry knockoff of Tom Cruise. I bet she never swam into a fucking net. Jesus. And I suppose this means I won't be buying shots for Hurricane Isidor any time soon. In any event, the fisheryokels poke and prod and leer at her, wondering whether she'd be worth more alive or dead. Dead, guys. Definitely worth more dead. Necron unfortunately zips onto the pier at this moment, cutting short our foray into the world from which Sebastian Junger minted piles of money. One of the fisheryokels hoists a speargun and nails Necron right in his Adam's apple. The force of the impact slams him up against the wheelhouse of a tugboat, and the spear, still embedded in his neck, embeds itself further into the side of the boat. Oh. Yes! Even better -- get this -- Necron calmly eases himself forward to pop his neck off the end of the spear. More effects like that one, please. Please? The fisheryokels don't have much time to gawp, for Necron blasts each of them with bolts that reduce them instantly to teeny piles of ash and cloth on the dock. Necron then menaces his way to Phoebe's side, and a small amount of Feeb-fu ensues. After clocking the demon with a winch, Phoebe calls out to the Dolt, who orbs in immediately to orb right on out of there with her. Necron conjures a couple of scruffy black crows on a bit of rigging and orders them to follow Phoebe and the Dolt. The scruffy crows comply by winging off into the commercial break.
Hag Manor, Parlor Subdivision. Phoebe, tail and all, is splayed across a sofa and the coffee table, guzzling water provided by the long-suffering Raige as the Dolt tries and fails to heal her gaping ass wound. Piper descends the stairs, overhears the conversation regarding Phoebe's gaping ass wound, and announces that she's more than ready to knock some demonic heads together. Raige and the Dolt both take note of Piper's wild mood swing, but neither comments on it directly -- Raige most likely out of righteous fear of her dangerously unstable sister (or not. Talking out my ass here, people) and the Dolt most likely out of sheer stupidity, as he's already made it abundantly clear he wouldn't put anything past a gal under the influence of icky pregnant-lady hormones (and that would be the God's honest truth. And you know it). Piper rather amusingly flicks her wrist at a hideous angel print of the Dolt's that she's always secretly despised, scorching the thing right off the parlor wall. She also grills Phoebe on Necron's particulars, then orders Raige to orb the Book of Shadows down from the attic, thereby directly contradicting all of her prohibitions against personal gain, particularly as they apply to the area of common household tasks. Such as fetching the Book from the attic. Phoebe, of course, remains self-servingly oblivious throughout this scene, occasionally peppering the conversation with demands that the Dolt orb her back into the ocean. If only. At one point, Phoebe natters, "All I need are little shiny objects and to lay on a rock and comb out my hair," like, we knew that already, Feebs. We've known it for four years. Piper lands on the entry for Necron at this moment, and the brief bit read by the Dolt defines the demon as "a skeletal being who hovers between life and death. He has the power to incinerate any living creature and feed on its life force." Raige deduces that should Necron suck the life force out of an immortal being, he'd no longer be hovering between worlds; thus, his jones for Phoebe and her gaping ass wound. Phoebe whines some more, so Raige hauls her upstairs and tosses her into the bathtub. No, seriously. This action, however, only serves to exacerbate the whining of the Feebs, who believes she's being held prisoner. Any moment now, she's going to start chanting, "Attica! Attica!" And that will be the moment I punch my fist through my television screen.
Casa Del Sole. Dammit! I mean, "Casa Del Cole," but that doesn't work for me. We're going to have to rename the penthouse, people. Cole has some cockblocker of an attorney on the speakerphone, trying to convince the cockblocker to accept faxed medical records rather than the originals in the matter of Raige's rapidly-imploding adoption assignment. The cockblocker is, um, blocking Cole's cock, I suppose, so Cole mojos the telephone, apparently shooting some sort of evil voodoo through the line that magically transforms the cockblocker into a cockenabler. "Yes, sir, Mr. Turner, sir. Those faxed medical records should be just fine" and that sort of thing.
Darryl and his unfortunate facial hair have been lurking in the background during this exchange, and when Cole ends the call, Darryl attacks him for unethical behavior. Cole's all, "Dude, the adoption went through. Ends? Means? It's all justified. Why so tense? You wanna deep-tissue massage?" Except for that last part, but the Cole-Darryl tension that appeared occasionally last season is back with a vengeance in this scene. Cole must be misreading the unfortunate facial hair. Anyway, Darryl's not there about the adoption; he's there because of the three dusty fisheryokels, and he believes Cole had something to do with it. Cole's indignant. Darryl, the dear boy, actually has to deliver the line, "I'm just a pawn in your twisted scam to win Phoebe back!" Poor unfortunate facial hair. So jealous. Cole again professes his undying, "epic" love and affection for The Feeble One, so Darryl offers him a bit of "friendly" advice: Dump her. She doesn't want to have anything to do with you, so just walk away, Renée. Urm, "René." Cole is sad. By the way, The Ongoing Rehabilitation Of The Colethazor is evident in the altered furnishings in the Casa -- there are noticeably more pastel-shaded tchotchkes and vases and such. Just thought you'd like to know.
Hag Manor, Attic Subdivision. Piper drops what appears to be an ossified owl pellet into a copper bowl. The entire attic explodes. Raige races in, horrified, and extinguishes a couple of small fires before asking Piper what the hell she was mixing up in there. Piper admits she was blending some burdock root with a little eye of newt, which apparently is quite the faux pas in Wiccan circles. Long story short, Raige becomes more and more concerned with Piper's reckless behavior. Oh, and there's also a Threat Of Death in the form of a warning specific to Necron vanquishes in the Book of Shadows, as the last two witches who vanquished Skeletal Demons died in the process. And Piper quotes Patton. The general, not the movie. No, I didn't understand it, either, and neither did Raige. The doorbell rings, and Piper leaves to answer it as the Dolt enters to ask what all the fuss is about. Piper snarks something, slaps him on his bloated Dolt ass, and leaves.
Once she's gone, Raige and the Dolt put their weeny heads together to try to figure out What's Wrong With Piper. So many jokes, so little time. Eventually, they find the Rosie Perez spell scrawled on the wall. Before they can formulate a response, Phoebe bellows from downstairs. Raige and the Dolt gulp.
Down in the bathroom, this Nancy O'Dell woman I've heard absolutely nothing about is getting ready to interview the Phoebe behind "Ask Phoebe" about her life and loves. While the Feebs lounges in a bubble bath. Whatever.
In the hall outside the bathroom, Raige, Piper, and the Dolt have a hushed, yet urgent, conversation about the Rosie Perez spell. Raige and the Dolt agree that the spell only served to "suppress" Piper's fear, rather than "free" her from it, as Piper believes. This suppression brings with it threat of exposure to the world at large and bodily harm, this last to Piper more than the others, mainly because she seems to have lost her instinct for self-preservation along with her "fear." Piper's not having it. She simply did what the Dolt suggested she do, and she firmly believes they will all benefit in the end -- especially Phoebe. Piper insisted Phoebe go through with the O'Dell interview, because Piper's certain the session will remind Phoebe of her land-based passions for work and family, thereby balancing out that "call of the sea" bullshit Phoebe keeps babbling about.
Cut to the interior of the bathroom, where Phoebe's blithering about the human race's appetite for marine destruction. She whines about Chilean sea bass. She moans about swordfish. She gripes about the utter impossibility of true love in such a cold, cruel world. Raige throws this Nancy O'Dell person out of the Manor. Atta girl. Once Nancy's out of the way, Phoebe reaffirms her intention to return to the ocean. Raige rolls her eyes and snaps at both of her addled siblings as the scruffy crows sent by Necron alight on the telephone wire outside the bathroom window. The scruffy crows make noise. Necron makes even more noise when he zips into the second-floor hall in a blaze of bolts and whatnot. Piper orders Raige to orb Phoebe downstairs, then strides out of the bathroom to confront Necron alone. She flings out her hands, and Necron dissolves into a cloud of light-blue bits that disappears as quickly as it formed. Piper marches to the center of the hallway, barking out threats. Necron zips back in behind her and latches onto her arms, then zaps on out of the Manor with Piper to parts unknown. Parts unknown that are spelled "H-A-G C-A-V-E-R-N." Usually, this alarming development would rate a "DUN!" but we're hitting the bottom of the second hour here, and I just can't get as excited about the tawdry knockoff at this point as I normally do.
Hag Manor, Attic Subdivision. Aftermath. Raige puzzles through a Power of Three vanquish for Necron while the Feebs lounges on a sofa with a spray bottle filled with water. The Dolt paces. Impotently. Stupid Dolt. The Dolt can sense Piper, but there's something off. Her "courage" is jamming all other signals she might be sending, including the signal that would indicate she's been injured. Just go with it, people. The three babble at each other a bit more regarding the current situation, with Raige being the most levelheaded of the trio. Phoebe's focus remains on herself -- surprise! -- and the Dolt's too worried about the wife to be of much use. After a particularly stupid outburst from the Feebs regarding dolphins, beluga, and the absence of walls in the open ocean, Raige drags the Dolt out to the landing for a private chat.
Out on the landing, Raige hisses that should they return Phoebe to the ocean, she'll disappear for good as soon as Necron's vanquished and Piper is safe. And this is a negative...how, exactly? The Dolt opines that "it's a risk [they] have to take" in order to save Piper. Raige believes that there's another solution out there somewhere, and she believes a question that O'Dell woman asked Phoebe earlier might have something to do with it. Perhaps, goes Raige's argument, Phoebe's heart isn't a shriveled, black lump of ice. Perhaps she really does care about someone other than herself. If they could figure out how to trigger the part of Phoebe's heart that still resembles those of other warm-blooded animals, maybe they can get her to remain on land. The Dolt's beer gut scoffs at silly Raige and returns to the attic. Word, beer gut. Word. Raige sighs and follows.
The Dolt crosses from the door to take Phoebe's hand in order to orb on over to Hag Cavern. Raige clasps the Dolt's other hand, but just as he starts the orb, Raige pulls a Piper and detaches herself from it. Alone in the attic, she rolls her eyes and sighs, "This better work."
The Dolt, the Dolt's beer gut, and Phoebe orb onto a beach. Phoebe's on her knees.
Too. Many. Filthy. Jokes. Must. Complete. Recap.
Phoebe and the Dolt note Raige's puzzling absence, then stare blankly at each other.
Hag Cavern. Piper's lashed to some sort of metal grille that's suspended over the glimmering pool. Necron stands on the cavern floor, making threats. He orders her to call for the Dolt. She refuses. Necron tosses some TK at the grille, lowering it and Piper into the glimmering pool up to her knees. Damn. That salt water is going to ruin those black leather pants of hers. "Attack!" bellows Necron. We get an underwater shot of Necron's pet electric eels zapping the grille, shooting electricity through Piper's body in the process. Yeah, yeah. Awwww! Look at the little electric eels! They're so cute! And so well trained, don't you think? What. The fuck. Ever. This is the guy who transformed a Shell Of Suck into a Blazing Ray Gun Of Doom with absolutely zero effort. Why the fuck would he need the eels to electrocute her? Piper takes the torture and shrugs it off like she's some sort of all-around gold medalist in the Shrugging Off Horrific Torture events at the Santiago Olympics. "That all you got?" she sneers. See? Like a champ. The stupid, pointless, why-the-hell-are-they-here electric eels coil around the submerged bit of the grille for another go-round.
Casa Del Cole. Raige barges in, calling for the gentleman of the Casa. Cole, clad in his typically sleek and terribly expensive casual wear, greets her and congratulates her on winning the argument they had earlier in the day. He's leaving. The bags are packed, and he is out of there. Raige tugs on his lapel, renounces every single hateful statement she made earlier in the day, and swears that the Feebs remains deeply in love with him. Cole tells her to blow it out her ass. "What if I can prove it?" Raige asks. Cole pffts, all, "Go ahead and try." Raige locks eyes with him and recites:
Open Phoebe's heart to Cole,
Reveal the secret that it holds.
Bring forth the passion of love's fire
That he may feel her true desire.
A spray of twinkly red lights materializes in the air over Cole's head and coagulates (hey, open heart, y'all) into -- get this -- a circlet that hovers around his head not unlike a crown of thorns. The crown spins, then detaches and dives into Cole's chest, attacking him around the area of his heart. Where are all the Catholics out there? Yeah. Feel free to become mildly irritated that the tawdry knockoff is resorting to tawdry knockoffs of imagery surrounding the Passion and the Sacred Heart Of Jesus to drive home the idea that CoLE + PhOEbE = SouLMAtes 4EVAH!!!!! Cole grasps his chest in pain, despite the fact that a warm, golden glow seems to emanate upwards from his torso, and oh, Lord. Cole starts crying, and I haven't seen an actor cry so badly on TV since Der Van Der Beek "broke" "down" when Joey ran screaming from Pier Leery at the end of the Season Three finale of Dawson's Creek. After causing me to lose what little respect I had left for Julian McMahon at this point, the twinkly red lights flee his chest and vanish out the window. Cole and Raige stare at each other, surprised.
The Beach. The Feebs basks on a rock. The Dolt orbs in to announce that Raige was not to be found in the Manor. The Dolt then senses that the stupid, pointless, why-the-hell-are-they-here electric eels are zapping the wife again. Phoebe backflips into the water, intending to distract Necron from the Piper torture until the Dolt can find Raige for the Power of Three vanquish.
Hag Cavern. Piper zzzzts! a bit more before Necron TKs the grille out of the glimmering pool. You know, it might not be such a bad thing if those black leather pants wind up ruined at the end of this after all. Piper does look terribly hippy in them. Not very attractive, I must say. Anyway, after catching her breath, the hippy torture champ sneers some more at Necron, who sneers right back at her. It's dinnertime for Necron, you see, and Piper's life force is just as filling as any other human's. Phoebe pops her head out of the water at that moment and offers her own life in exchange for Piper's. By way of response, Necron violently TKs the grille off to one side. The force of the impact of grille and hippy torture champ against the outcropping of rock draws blood from Piper's shoulder and stomach. Piper immediately freaks about her percolating infant and howls in rage at Necron as Necron himself mojos The Shell Of Suck onto Phoebe's left best friend.
Meanwhile, back on the beach, the Dolt's beer gut cruises for sailors as Raige orbs onto the sand. Raige, the Dolt, and the Dolt's beer gut orb over to Hag Cavern, where the Dolt attempts to apply the tingly touch to Piper's injuries. Necron zaps him with a bolt of energy, hurling him across the cavern into a wall. Pause. Rewind. Play. Pause. Rewind. Play. Pause. Rewind. Slow-forward. Raige, meanwhile, summons The Shell Of Suck off of Phoebe's left best friend and hurls it onto Necron. She then instructs the other Glamorous Ladies to link hands and "prepare for a big blast" while she recites the following:
Tide of evil washed ashore
To bring its darkness evermore:
With all our strength we fight this fate --
Make this evil obliterate.
"Make this evil obliterate"? Obliterate what? Idiots. Doesn't matter. Never does. It works anyway, and Necron explodes most spectacularly, with three or four separate concussion rings ricocheting throughout Hag Cavern. Raige is blown into a sail, Phoebe's knocked unconscious into the water, and Piper?
Here's the part I hate: Piper, still chained to the grille, slides into the glimmering pool when the grille is knocked loose from the chains that had suspended it. The grille sinks to the bottom, dragging Piper along with it. This is not the area with which I have a problem. No, the problem area follows the commercial break, and after the bit where Phoebe, Raige, and the Dolt smack each other sensible above the waterline in the aftermath of the vanquish. Here it comes -- while the numbskulls in the Cavern are whacking each other upside the head, Piper slowly drowns at the bottom of the glimmering pool. Slowly drowns, that is, until Finola "Teeth!" Hughes appears beneath the waves, swathed in a radiant, heavenly white light like she's the Virgin Of Freaking Medjugorje or something. And it's not the appropriation of religious imagery that bugs. It's that they used this same goddamned scene with Shannen Doherty back in Season One. ("From Fear To Eternity," if you must know.) Of course, back then, Prue was drowning in a plain old sunken backyard suburban swimming pool, not some Glimmering Gateway To The Call Of The Sea in a Magical Hag Cavern strewn with Impressive Nautical Detritus, but please. At least try to come up with something new every once in a while. You know you're watching a sucky show when the tawdry knockoff starts relying on tawdry knockoffs of its own goddamned plot devices to fill the hour.
So, whatever. Teeth!, babe, nice to see you. Don't be a stranger. Piper? Glad that your addled, oxygen-deprived hallucination of your dead mother gave you the strength to conquer your fear or whatever the hell just happened here, but get a better character arc for the rest of the season, okay, honey?
Oh, and you know what really bites? I now look like a total freak for knowing enough about this fucking show to write the above rantlet. I believe this is what is known as "fan-wanking," is it not? Is it? IS IT? I hope you're all pleased with yourselves. I begged you people to kill me at the very beginning of this double recap, but did you listen to me? Noooooo.
So, Teeth! vanishes, and it's revealed that Phoebe's the one who yanks Piper from the briny deep, not Piper's Finola hallucination. They stretch Piper out on the rock, and the Dolt makes with the tingly touch, but what's this? Piper's stomach heals all by itself! How could this happen? Calm the fuck down. Seems the percolating infant already has its powers. After a bit of the joy at this stoopid development, Piper fills the others in on her hallucination. Phoebe quietly slips away.
The Beach. Cole, with his arms upraised in a Resurrection/Ascension pose, sends his bizarre new mojo far and wide to teleport Phoebe from wherever the hell she was over to the sand at his feet. The subsequent conversation is the same old, same old: They mack and make up. What's that, you say? Phoebe claims, "It's over between us"? Yeah, right. Phoebe's pasties and tail vanish. Cole wraps her in his jacket, and they stare at each other as the camera pans out to the ocean. All of the dialogue was overdubbed in the studio subsequent to filming the scene outdoors, by the way, and they neglected to match the levels between the actors' voices. Gimme a T! Gimme an A! Gimme a...screw it.
THE BLACK HOLE OF SOCIAL SERVICES. Raige resigns. Raige cleans out her desk. Raige promises Mr. Boss Man that despite her resignation from THE BLACK HOLE, she'll continue to help people.
Closing ovary montage -- now with twice the wailing! Raige broods at THE BLACK HOLE, then continues to pack up her belongings. Phoebe broods in the Manor kitchen, then signs away her marriage in a "default divorce" uncontested by Cole. Piper broods in her tastefully-appointed boudoir. She takes the photo of Teeth! and the moppet they hired to portray Piper at age five for background photos such as this one, and pastes it onto the front page of the baby book she's creating for the percolating infant. And then, just as she did at the end of that episode where Prue nearly drowned, The Invisible Spectral Presence Of Teeth! sends a little fairy light down to the book in Piper's lap to inscribe something in the ISP of Teeth!'s very own hand: "Grandma and Mommy." Piper gets misty. I might have as well, if I hadn't already seen the exact same fucking scene the other day on TNT.
Hey. When did Phoebe and Cole ever sign a damn marriage license, anyway?
week: Midgets and werewolves and Grams! Oh, my!