Episode Report Card Demian: B | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Long Live The (Drag) Queen
By Demian | Season 4 | Episode 20 | Aired on 05.01.2002
Piper shakes her head around and pushes her satchel of vials into Raige's hand. "I can't do this," she insists, and stomps out of the alley. "What about Greg?" Raige bleats. Piper waves her hand around over her shoulder to unfreeze him and disappears. "Not again!" Greg whines when he spots the empty bike chain hanging from the standpipe. He turns and starts when he sees Raige and the Dolt hovering behind him. They offer a couple of dopey grins, so he asks them if they saw anyone wandering around with his bike. Instead of smacking him upside the head for leaving his bike in a freaking alley and still expecting it to be there when he returned, Raige is all, "No, but I got something you can ride right here, baby. Rrrwow." Okay, not so much. She just shrugs her shoulders helplessly. Greg mumbles something and stumbles off. "What now?" Raige asks the Dolt. "We follow him."
Hell. Dane escorts The Sole on a tour of "animal sacrifice" chambers that have fallen into disuse. As The Sole instructs Dane to have a team of hellish cleaning women scour them out for repurposing, Scorchy appears in an archway with news of his failed vanquish. The Sole approaches Scorchy and slings a too-friendly arm over his shoulder. "Did you tell anyone else?" he breathes, his mouth inches away from Scorchy's face. Scorchy reveals that he came directly from his encounter with The Phoebeast. "Good," The Sole soothes, leaning in closer so his forehead connects with Scorchy's. Scorchy beams with pride and delight. I wait for The Sole to hike his tongue down Scorchy's throat while ripping his shirt open, but instead I get a shot of Scorchy bursting into flame as reflected in The Sole's beetle-black eyes. The International Male model who had been accompanying The Sole and Dane on their tour as a bodyguard tenses. The Sole drives an FBOD into his stomach. Goddammit. They finally hire a posse of hot demons, and they vanquish them all before the half-hour mark? Bastards. Dane gazes coolly at The Sole and asks, "Am I next?" Nope. Dane is someone The Sole trusts, "unlike [his] damn wife." Dane suggests that The Sole finish off Greg himself before any others among the demonic horde hear of The Phoebeast's latest offense. The Sole wags his hand, and a demonic stoner squiggles into the chamber. "I have a job for you," The Sole announces. Stonie is way stoked.
Upstairs in another sort of Hell, Raige and the Dolt stand at the back of an auditorium as a mousy brunette delivers a lengthy and tedious PSA about Alcoholics Anonymous from the stage. The Manor Two are planted in front of a table laden with several large urns of coffee, which reminds me of this time in Ireland when my cousins and I moseyed into a country hotel at about noon to enjoy a liquid lunch after a lengthy discussion in the car regarding T. E. Lawrence, of all people, and we ran smack into a crowd of middle-aged chain-smokers huddled around similar urns, waiting for their AA meeting to start. Needless to say, we headed straight for the bar. Raige and the Dolt twitter quietly about Piper's state of mind, which, given events shortly to unfold, would be anvilicious were it not so very insulting to my intelligence. The camera cuts quickly to the stage, whereupon Greg sits casually in navy blue chinos and an open-necked shirt. Raige should totally date this guy. Unfortunately, she's too busy nattering with the Dolt to ask Greg out. As a lush in the audience rises to testify or whatever, Raige urges the Dolt to go find Piper in order to deliver one of those pep talks of his we all love so much. The Dolt bounces his head around and leaves. The camera pans across the assorted pathetic drunks to land on Stonie, giving old Greg the evil eye. DUN!
The Bay Mirror. The editor of The Phoebeast enters her office with the latest advice column, which Elise has rejected as unfit for publication. You'd think one of the Glamorous Ladies would have realized that Elise is really their Aunt Jackie. Though, you know, the gals haven't seen her since the beginning of the first season, so maybe they've forgotten what she looks like. Either that, or Aunt Jackie has gone deep undercover as an FBI mole for that impending storyline I've read so much about. Or maybe she's dead. What do I know? I didn't watch the first season. In any event, The Phoebeast takes umbrage at her boss's editorial decision, and prepares to torch her with a gout of flame from her palm. I suppose I should make it very clear at this point that I respect and admire each and every one of Sars's editorial decisions, and would never be so rude as to immolate her based on her suggested corrections. Then again, I'm not a simpering, pampered, blithering, traitorous, furry-armed fuckwit with a monstrous sense of entitlement and a rotten hairstyle, so perhaps that clarification was unnecessary. ["But I appreciate the thought regardless." -- Sars] The Sole pops into Phoebe's doorway just in time to prevent her from scorching Elise's competent ass. "You know," he says after Elise has left the room, "if you want to kill your boss, we have people who can do that." Incidentally, those of you who enjoy collecting Charmed trivia should note that Phoebe uses her maiden name for her byline, as evinced by the name on her door. The Sole shuts said door to suggest that Phoebe resign from the newspaper, then segues into expressing displeasure with her actions that afternoon in the alleyway. Long story short, he basically batters her with the same argument we heard earlier about choosing one side or the other and abiding by that choice. The Phoebeast basically delivers the same counter-argument as earlier, even going so far as to snark about The Sole's "rigid" nature as she did with Piper in the Manor parlor. "This is not a game," he tells her. "You walked through a one-way door. If you try to turn around now, they will destroy us." "My sisters?" she asks dully. "The Underworld," he corrects. "If they unite against us, I promise we will pray for death." The Phoebeast covers her eyes with her hands and apologizes. After a bit more of this, she takes his hand, and the two blaze out of the office together.