Hell. Yes, the evening starts out in Hell, and I have horrible feeling things only go downhill from here. A dark demonic high priest, sent from the flaming maw of the chamber over, leads The Sole into a room bordered on each side with a blazing rack of votives beneath spiky rods that resemble widely-spaced organ pipes. If there's organ music in this episode, I am never watching this show again. The high priest looks vaguely ecclesiastical in the manner of Cardinal Law, if the cardinal finally gave into overwhelming temptation and commissioned Bob Mackie to design his vestments in dark peach satin and burnt-orange velour. This ecclesiastic effect is somewhat offset by the priest's 1984-vintage "Rebel Yell" hair over his 2017-vintage Billy Idol face. The two are accompanied by a passel of Mongol horde wannabes in outfits lifted from a truck-and-bus production of Rashomon. The priest explains the blocking for a ceremony to take place that evening as he crosses to a hefty book on a podium centered above a pentagram on the floor. The Sole casually remarks, "It's been a while, hasn't it?" "Five hundred years," replies the priest. "Give or take a decade." The priest flips the book open to an entry entitled "Votum Sanguinis." The page is black with garishly luminescent lettering and details some sort of spell in mock Latin. Apparently, once The Sole has recited the crap Latin later that evening, he "will be given the full powers of the Underworld." This episode is going to give me a migraine. On the one hand, this line lends credence to my earlier theory that The Source has the combined powers of all his demonic underlings. On the other hand, what the hell entered Cole's body six episodes ago? The piddling wherewithal to conjure up a nifty means of transportation and a few Flaming Balls Of Death? Lame. And then it occurs to me that I know way too much about this goddamned show. The Sole looks plaintive and desperately attractive in that wistful, little-boy-lost way of his when he asks if the ceremony will make him feel better. That ache in his heart for his bride is a-throbbing away and all. The priest reveals that Source candidates described feeling "completed" by the ceremony, but none of them had ever been half-human, so who knows? They'll just have to see what happens at midnight. The priest orders the Mongoloids to escort The Sole to the "vestibule," where they will assist in preparing him for the ceremony. The Sole and the priest nod at each other before The Sole exits with the guards.
In the rocky passageway leading from the ceremony chamber, a gnomish gentleman I recognize as some sort of authority figure from that show with the chop-socky blonde who's engaged to the dork who can't act crouches behind a piece of ornamental statuary as The Sole plus the Mongoloids stride past. Once the horde has ambled by, the gnome emerges from his hiding place to tap his walking stick on the ground a couple of times. A carbon copy of the chief Mongoloid appears at the gnome's side. "Arrest me," orders the gnome.
Jump cut back to the ceremony chamber. The Mongoloid copy drags the gnome before the priest, who sneers that he didn't realize any "wizards" were left alive. The gnome bows and scrapes and exposits that he's the only wizard left. The priest wonders snidely if the gnome really believed he could single-handedly prevent the "coronation" that evening. The gnome grins and allows he came not for the coronation, but for "revenge." With that, he nails the priest's privates with the end of his cane. The priest goes down, well, exactly like a priest, I suppose, before hurling the gnome across the chamber with a little TK. The gnome flies into the podium, taking it and the hefty book it holds to the floor. The priest screams for the chief Mongoloid to do something. The Mongoloid, being nothing more than a copy and everything, remains mutely in place. The gnome scrambles for the book on the floor just as the priest TKs it off to the side out of reach. The Sole races back in with his retinue, and the chief Mongoloid stares at his duplicate. "It's an illusion!" the priest yells. The gnome snatches at his cane and winks out in a flash of blue. The Mongoloid doppelganger promptly dissolves in a flare of yellow rays. "What the hell is going on here?" grits The Sole, as the camera tracks in towards his face.
Up in San Francisco, Raige pouts, "Cole's a demon again. That is what's going on." I loathe these call-and-response transitions between scenes. They're cheap, they're smug, they're unamusing, and they're crap. If this is the transitional theme for this evening, I am never watching this show again. The shot cuts out from Raige's face to show her standing with Piper in an elevator, presumably on their way up to the Casa Del Sole. Piper's hair is twisted with strips of dark brown leather into two long braids that dangle down past her neck to rest on her bosom. If she added a feather or two, she'd be an ungodly cross between Pippi Longstocking and Pocahontas. The ladies batter the exposition around the cramped elevator car, reminding us all they have no proof that The Sole has reverted to his dastardly demonic ways, merely suspicions galore. Furthermore, they must tread lightly as far as Phoebe's feelings are concerned. Pippihontas blathers on about how Cole is "the love of [Phoebe's] life" and "her best friend" and how Phoebe is "happier than she's ever been." At this last, the elevator doors slide open to reveal the Feebs staring sullenly out the French doors of the penthouse, gazing contemplatively at the bay. Raige whispers that perhaps the Feebs is not as overjoyed as Pippihontas might think as Phoebe turns to welcome them into her apartment. Pippihontas crosses towards Phoebe, asking, "What's the matter? You look..." "Terrible?" Phoebe finishes for her, and -- make sure you're sitting down for this -- I am forced to disagree. It's not that the oatmeal cable-knit knee-length three-quarter-sleeved cashmere jacket trimmed with beige lace she's demurely buttoned over a robin's-egg beater underneath a tousled, fluffed-out 'do isn't hideous; it's just that she looked far worse last week, and the week before that, and the week before that. So why is Pippihontas only noticing this now? Oh, it's because Phoebe hasn't "slept in a couple of days." Well, that explains everything, doesn't it? Phoebe invites her guests to sit, as she has Information Of Great Import to convey.
Lengthy pause.
Phoebe hems and haws.
Lengthy pause.
Phoebe stutters and stammers.
Lengthy pause.
My grandmother crochets a sampler that reads "I'M PREGNANT," claws her way out of her grave in Brooklyn, hails a cab to La Guardia, boards a red-eye to San Francisco, crosses the continent courtesy of United Airlines, disembarks with her handiwork to jog over to the Brocklebank Apartments from the airport, trots up thirty-three flights of stairs, jimmies the lock on the penthouse door, pauses for a little nosh with some bagels and coffee in the kitchen because those cheap SOBs at the airlines only serve you peanuts nowadays, wanders into the living room, and staples the sampler to Phoebe's forehead for Raige and Pippihontas to read. Pippihontas gapes. Raige blurts in horror, "From Cole?" My grandmother plants herself in Cole's Barcalounger with a can of Tab to catch up on Erica Kane as Phoebe glares.
Down in Hell, The Sole swings a broadsword around, and a silhouette image cast against the granite wall presents him "beheading" the chief Mongoloid. The "head" rolls across the floor to wobble around at the feet of the horde's Caucasian second in command. I'd go to greater lengths describing how lousy this effect is, but I need to show Grandma how to work the remote. The Sole makes with the threats and strides out into the credits.
Back from the break, Phoebe paces around the table, explaining that she has no clue how she got knocked up after all the preventative measures she took. Pippihontas asks if she's told The Sole about their impending little stranger. Phoebe concedes she hasn't, mainly because she hasn't quite processed through the idea of a little stranger herself. Wow. Phoebe's wearing white patent leather boots and a moss-green prairie skirt under the above-detailed hideousness. From the waist down, she's Tanya Tucker. Alyssa Milano had to have pissed somebody off. Well, somebody who still works on this show, at any rate. As Phoebe and Pippihontas natter on endlessly about unplanned pregnancies and such, Raige peppers the conversation with barely-concealed references to The Sole's lately-revealed demonic tendencies. Just as Phoebe's about to call her on this, the elevator whirs, heralding the arrival of the demon in question. Phoebe shoos her sisters out of the apartment, claiming that for some reason The Sole can't know she let them in on her secret before she told him. Right before the elevator doors slide open, Raige and Pippihontas orb out.
The Sole trudges in with his head down, laden with a briefcase and a couple of carry-out containers. He's surprised to see her up and about, and asks if she's feeling better. She nervously claims she is, then darts across the room to gather up her belongings to head to work. The Sole gazes quizzically at her, then calls out, "What's wrong?" Phoebe's all, "Wrong? There's nothing wrong! Why do you ask?" as she repeatedly jabs at the call button. He claims that when Phoebe lies, he "can see [her] wisdom teeth." I defy anyone to explain what the hell that means. I think The Sole's been snorting a little too much incense down there in the Underworld, and something tells me the Underworld's incense of choice is crack. Phoebe attempts to brush him off as she steps into the car. The Sole persists. Lengthy pause. Phoebe nervously averts her eyes from his. Lengthy pause. Grandma yells, "SHE'S PREGNANT, you yutz!" The elevator doors close as The Sole gulps, "You're what?" "PREGNANT, Schmucky Greene! Now SHUT UP! I'm watching my stories!" The Sole giggles, "I'm gonna be a daddy!" Grandma nails him in the head with the remote from across the room and pops open another Tab.
Manor parlor. The Dolt orbs in to find Pippihontas and Raige heatedly debating the relative merits of telling the freshly-pregnant Phoebe what they know about The Sole. After a bit of this, he lunges in with a time-out gesture so dorkerrific it nearly endears him to me, asking them if they want his advice or not. "Depends on whose side you're on," Raige snips. "And if you take hers, it better not be because you're sleeping with her." Snerk. The argument is interrupted by the gnome barreling through a flash of blue light to race down the hallway, screaming, "Help!" The Caucasian Mongoloid squiggles in to toss a Flaming Ball Of Death at the gnome. The gnome winks out as the FBOD slams into his shoulder. Pippihontas wrinkles her nose and blows up the Mongoloid in a fit of pique. "What an idiot!" she wails, waving her hands around in disbelief. "Doesn't every demon know by now whose house this is?" The gnome winks onto the wicker loveseat in the sun porch and quips, "Not every demon -- fortunately for me." He rises and crosses to the trio for a round of introductions. The Dolt quickly identifies him as a wizard when the gnome reveals that the Mongoloid attacked an "illusion" he conjured of himself. Pippihontas is most displeased that the gnome tricked her into vanquishing one of his enemies. "My enemies are your enemies," the gnome promises, and he strides into the parlor, trailed by the others. Raige wonders what gives, and the Dolt is forced to admit he hasn't a clue. Oh, that's news. The Dolt's never encountered a wizard before, so it's anyone's guess whether the gnome is evil or not. The gnome checks a side table for dust as he pffts, "Would I seek out the Charmed Ones if I were evil?" Pippihontas warns him to remain in one place unless he wants "to go poof like [his] little friend" in the hall. "You're the touchy one, aren't you?" asks the gnome. "Peeper?" "Piper." "Whatever." Indeed.
The gnome reveals that he needs their assistance to exact vengeance on The Source "for slaughtering [the gnome's] kind centuries ago." Pippihontas and Raige let him know that the old Source is dead. "We kicked his sorry ass," Raige elaborates. The gnome corrects them. The old Source "was reborn into a new sorry ass." Pippihontas can't believe her ears. After all they went through to vanquish him, The Source can just be reincarnated? Fascinating, isn't it, to see the Glamorous Ladies learn what the audience has known for three months? If, of course, by "fascinating" one means "narcotizing." The gnome beats his stick on the floorboards, and a roast turkey appears on a nearby table. He tears off a leg and gnaws on it as he explains that their "only chance to stop [The Sole] will be tonight before he receives his full powers at the coronation." Raige and Pippihontas splutter about formulating a complicated vanquishing strategy on such short notice. The gnome cuts through the crap to note that if they steal "The Grimoire," they can prevent the coronation. The Dolt asides to Raige that The Grimoire is "the evil Book of Shadows." Why, thank you, Dolt. Who knew you were such a font of helpful erudition? Pippihontas wants to know what the catch is. The gnome exposits that The Grimoire is kept in a secret chamber by a cohort of guards. He knows where to find The Grimoire, but he needs the Glamorous Ladies to fend off the guards. "Partners?" he asks. Pippihontas freezes the gnome and snarks, "I so don't trust him." The Dolt orbs out to consult with the ever-useless Elders, and Raige agrees to retrieve Phoebe from her office. Once they've left, Piper unfreezes the gnome and mutters, "One false move and you're toast." The gnome thinks this over for a moment, then beats his cane on the floor a couple of times. The turkey leg morphs into a slice of twelve-grain whole-wheat toast. "Got any jam?" "No," Pippihontas replies, "but I'd love to 'jam' that stick up your Borscht Belt ass, monkey boy."
Or maybe she doesn't say that at all.
Casa Del Sole. The demon of the house taps away at his laptop, surfing a site entitled "www.InfantClothes.biz." It's one of those irritating websites that blares MIDI tunes the entire time you're there, which, if you're like me, is all of three seconds before you click the hell away from the homepage. The tune in this case is a saccharine lullaby, with which The Sole mindlessly hums along as he checks out the merchandise. The disembodied voice of Belinda asks if Phoebe is present. No, Belinda, but could you be a sweetheart and grab a Piels and a frosted mug out of the fridge for my grandmother? Thanks. Belinda squiggles in with her Palm Pilot and confirms that The Sole's heightened security measures have been implemented for that evening's ceremony. She notices the MIDI noise and asks, "What is that dreadful music?" The Sole doofs a bit and quickly switches off the sound on his laptop. "Baby shopping, sir?" Belinda inquires with an arched eyebrow. The Sole confirms this and bluffs that he's merely "keeping up appearances" by pretending to behave "like any normal father-to-be -- for Phoebe." Belinda delicately calls him on this, and asks if she "may speak candidly." She's afraid Phoebe's humanizing effect on The Sole will only increase now that she's pregnant. Belinda leans in to massage the back of his neck with her breasts as she proposes that The Sole allow D'Eartha to "work her dark magic." If D'Eartha transfers the demonic fetus to Belinda's womb, The Sole needn't worry about losing his internal battle against his human half. As a personal bonus, Belinda can then join him down in Hell to reign as his queen. The Sole leaps from the couch, demanding an explanation for Belinda's outrageous presumption. Blah blah destiny blah blah future blah blah kill Phoebe. Oh, wait. I wholeheartedly agree with that last bit. Belinda squiggles out. The Sole smashes his laptop through the coffee table. Grandma turns up the volume on the TV.
The Bay Mirror. Phoebe berates an editor over the phone as the pointy nipples of her braless boobs tap out her advice column on her keyboard. Raige enters to give her the bullet on the coronation. Phoebe agrees to head over to the Manor after she lets The Sole know what's going on. Raige chooses this moment to drop the bomb about meeting Sam at the penthouse last week and rattles out her other suspicions, adding that Pippihontas harbors the same doubts regarding their new brother-in-law. Phoebe glares, then rolls her eyes, then storms out of her office. "Where are you going?" Raige demands. "To prove you wrong," Phoebe mutters. "What about The Power of Three?" Raige asks, realizing she's crossed a line. "Screw The Power of Three," Phoebe snots, and stomps off. Raige's jaw drops to the floor all "no, she didn't!"
Casa Del Sole. The elevator opens, and gaah. Phoebe's topped off her look with a matching knit cloche that features a wad of sheer netting twisted into floral form. Phoebe glances around the empty apartment and cautiously approaches The Sole's discarded briefcase. She gingerly opens it to find nothing but contracts and depositions and whatnot. She crosses the room, warily eyeing the shattered coffee table, then hears ominous squeaking noises coming from the bedroom. She flings open the door to find The Sole securing clusters of congratulatory balloons to their four-poster. Large stuffed animals abound. The Sole retrieves a bundle of red roses from the bed and hands them to her, crooning, "I love you." The Foley editors are going apeshit with the sound of the crinkling tissue paper on the bouquet, like, dial it down, boys. The Sole kisses Phoebe on the lips, then...what? Ew! God! His head just ducked down past the bottom of the frame. Oh. Oh. He's kissing her stomach. Okay. Wow. That was...ew! Anyway, he rises to peck her once more on her cheek before pulling her into an embrace. Phoebe glances nervously over his shoulder into the commercial break.
"'Screw The Power of Three'?" Pippihontas quotes incredulously as Raige inches her way through the front door of the Manor. Raige confirms the quote. To Pippihontas, this seems like more than your garden-variety case of raging prenatal hormones, and Raige is forced to admit she might have maybe pissed Feebs off -- and she actually uses the word "pissed," which made me raise my eyebrows a bit. Pippihontas quickly realizes what Raige has done and starts in with the shrieking. She claims Phoebe will never speak to them again, and Raige "might as well crown the new Source [herself]." "Oh. God," Raige snorts. "I think you're slightly exaggerating." The tone amuses me. Pippihontas clomps kitchenward as she bitches about needing Phoebe for "the plan to work." "What plan?" Raige sniffs. "Follow me!" Pippihontas bellows as she slams open the kitchen door.
Kitchen. The gnome has replicated the coronation chamber, right down to the Travolta-esque open-necked black disco shirt The Sole sported in the pre-credits sequence. Unfortunately, the gnome didn't get a good look at The Sole's face, so his doppelganger's head remains blank. Couldn't see the face, but scoped out The Sole's clothes? Okay, then. Raige enters and remarks she liked their old kitchen better. The gnome "hope[s] she isn't the brains in the family." Just wait 'til you meet Feebs, monkey boy. Pippihontas drags Raige over to The Grimoire's pedestal and introduces the cast of characters. When asked how she intends to steal the book, Pippihontas replies that they will learn from the monkey boy's mistakes. The monkey boy takes umbrage at this characterization of his earlier efforts. Pippihontas enumerates: "You didn't have any back-up, your illusions didn't buy you enough time, and you got caught. I'd call those mistakes." The plan, such as it is, is for the monkey boy to lead the Glamorous Ladies into the chamber. Once there, he will create a distraction large enough to draw away a majority of the guards. Phoebe and Pippihontas will battle the remaining guards while Raige telekinetically orbs The Grimoire into an enchanted burlap sack. Raige must orb The Grimoire into the sack because, as the Book of Shadows protects itself from the touch of evil, so The Grimoire protects itself from the touch of good. I don't write it, folks. I just recap it.
Phoebe enters at this moment and immediately flings herself at the image of the priest with one of her judo kicks. The entire illusion winks out in various flashes of gold light, leaving Phoebe to fly through the air across the kitchen table. The monkey boy groans he "can't work like this" and pouts his way into a chair, where he thumps his stick on the ground, summoning a couple of St. Pauli girls and a tankard. The Glamorous Ladies roll their eyes. Raige wonders why Phoebe decided to return to the Manor after their dust-up at the newspaper. Phoebe vows "not to shun [her] Wiccan duties, no matter what." Remember that line. While she continues to keep her faith in The Sole, she came back to help them with "Merlin," as she dismissively calls the monkey boy. There's a tiresome "Merlin was a hack" joke, followed by an even more tedious Harry Potter joke, before the monkey boy rises to his feet to wax nostalgic for the days before The Source obliterated his kind from the earth. He longs for the days, you see, when wizards were thick on the ground, and he was at one with his family. He gets in the anvilicious "it's all an illusion without family" as The Mournful Reeds Of Subtlety In Scripting Lost thrum on the soundtrack. The gals share A Moment; then we scream our way down to Hell.
The priest apprises The Sole of the final preparations for the coronation. The Sole warns them all to keep an eye out for Monkey Boy. Speak of the primate, and he shall appear. Monkey Boy pops up and tootles, "Hello!" The priest sends a division of Mongoloids to chase him down the hall, then warns The Sole to leave immediately in the interests of security. The Sole spies the early signs of Raige orbing in with her sisters, and warns the priest to protect the dark book. He blazes out just as the gals complete their orb. Raige futzes with the burlap sack while Pippihontas and Phoebe dart over to attack the remaining guards. Pippihontas blows one up before being tackled to the ground by another. Yet another Mongoloid besets Phoebe. The priest TKs Raige across the room. Meanwhile, out in the hall, the Monkey Boy eludes a posse of guards to disappear around a corner. The Sole appears in front of them and, long story short, it's not really him -- it's a Monkey Boy illusion. The Monkey Boy zaps the Mongoloids with his wand, then dissolves The Sole doppelganger. Back in the chamber, Pippihontas head-butts her Mongoloid, wincing a bit at the pain involved in that act. Phoebe, who's beaten her Mongoloid unconscious, screams, "Now!" Pippihontas blows up the dark priest. A Mongoloid rises to his feet to conjure an FBOD in the palm of his hand, which he intends to drive into Raige's back. Phoebe whips her arm around defensively, and a massive spray of fire erupts from her outstretched palm like a flamethrower. The flames make quick work of the Mongoloid, who howls and wails and disappears in a veil of fire. Phoebe goggles at her hand as Pippihontas gasps, "What was that?" Phoebe hasn't a clue, and looks more than a little freaked out by the whole thing. The Monkey Boy barges in and orders Raige to steal The Grimoire. She summons it from the pedestal into her sack, and the gals orb out. Monkey Boy, of course, exits by winking into a flare of blue light.
Manor sun porch. The various members of the raiding party orb and wink in as appropriate. The Monkey Boy jigs in delight, "We got it!" Pippihontas harshes his buzz by announcing, "Yes, and now we will destroy it." Raige darts off to fetch the BoS from the attic for some potion instructions as the Monkey Boy pleads fruitlessly with Pippihontas to keep The Grimoire for themselves. Pippihontas insists nothing good can come from The Grimoire, and shuts Monkey Boy down. She turns to see if Phoebe's okay. Phoebe quietly wigs about her flamethrowing hands and decides to return to the Casa Del Sole. Pippihontas urges her to remain in the Manor. After all, aren't Phoebe's powers simply escalating? Phoebe shoots this one down, as flamethrowing is clearly an escalation of neither precognition nor levitation. Pippihontas tries again, reminding Phoebe that she could throw fire in her past life. Phoebe for once gets in the "uh duh" when she reminds Pippihontas that Past Phoebe was evil. Monkey Boy sneers something about the dark book. Pippihontas freezes him in frustration as Phoebe dashes out the back door.
Casa Del Sole. We get a glamour shot of the building's moonlit nighttime exterior before traveling upstairs to find The Sole staring out of the window. He takes a moment, then rams his fist through a pane of glass. In squiggles Belinda, who pants, "What's the matter? What happened?" She claims to have felt The Sole's pain, and squiggled in immediately to see if everything was all right. She knows The Grimoire has been stolen. The Sole spits, "Have you been spying on me?" Belinda denies this, leading The Sole to shake her down for an explanation. D'Eartha rays in to admit that she was the person who gave Belinda the skinny on the dark book. D'Eartha! Where have you been? D'Eartha ignores me to announce that "finding The Grimoire is not [The Sole's] biggest problem -- suppressing Cole is." Yawn. Vanquish his cracker ass already, D'Eartha, and claim the throne of Hell for yourself. Belinda tries once more to convince The Sole to dump Phoebe and rule Hell with her at his side instead. The Sole wheels on the women, snarling, "Are you working together to manipulate me?" Yes, honey, and it was working pretty well. Which is one more reason why D'Eartha should vanquish your cracker ass and rule in your stead. D'Eartha orders Belinda away from the apartment. Belinda complies, squiggling on out of there. The Sole sighs that he can't believe D'Eartha "tricked [him] into hiring a Seductress." "Seductress"? Can't they give these tertiary demons better names? What's wrong with "Succubus"? Anyone? The Sole wonders if D'Eartha really believed that he'd ditch Phoebe if D'Eartha had "gotten [him] laid." Uh, what? Something tells me the WB censors took a day-trip to Vegas when the shooting script was approved. Anyway, D'Eartha claims getting him laid was not the point. Getting him to realize the danger inherent in remaining married to a Charmed One was. She reminds him that The Agglomeration Formerly Known As The Source is the only thing that protects him from Phoebe's powers. If, through its love for Phoebe, The Sole's human side takes the upper hand in the battle for his body, The Sole will leave himself vulnerable to the gals' witchy ways. And that vulnerability will destroy everything they both have worked for over the last couple of months. With this last warning, D'Eartha rays out as the elevator opens to deposit Phoebe in the apartment.
Phoebe immediately notices the broken window and asks what gives. The Sole ums and mumbles and mutters and ahs and lies that it was an accident. Phoebe nervously cops to the whole flamethrowing incident down in Hell, and adds that the entire experience made her feel evil. Grandma, who's flipped over to Barney Miller reruns on Nick at Nite because that Hal Linden is a real looker, pauses in her knitting to remind them both that D'Eartha promised the Spawn of Sole would turn Phoebe to the dark side once The Sole knocked her up. When Feebs and The Sole ignore her, Grandma pops open another Piels and idly tsks to herself that Wojciehowicz really should look into buying some antiperspirant. Meanwhile, The Sole pulls Phoebe in for a comforting hug. Phoebe's mind immediately blazes its way into a premonition. The Sole, "slicing" off the Mongoloid's "head." The Sole and D'Eartha, smirking at the throne of Hell. The Sole, flinging his version of an FBOD. Phoebe's mind staggers out of the premonition, and she pushes The Sole away. "Stay away from me!" she pants as she scampers to retrieve her purse. "What happened?" he asks innocently. She repeats her admonition as she scrambles into the elevator. "What did you see?" he bleats as the doors slide shut. "Uch," Grandma mutters. "He's cute, that one, but my God, is he stupid." Grandma sips her beer as The Sole gazes bleakly into the void that is the commercial break.
The camera tracks across a couple of racks of vials set up on the coffee table in the parlor; Pippihontas retrieves one of them and makes her way behind the sofa to join the already-crouching Raige and Monkey Boy. Pippihontas hurls the vial at The Grimoire, which has been placed on the floor all the way over on the sun porch. The vial shatters, emitting a small amount of flame and smoke, but nothing else happens. "Buh!" pouts Pippihontas. "That was the strongest one! I don't know what else to do." Monkey Boy once more suggests that they keep The Grimoire and exploit its powers. Raige hurls a skillet towards my head as she nonchalantly notes they have enough powers of their own, thank you very much, and they don't need to add evil ones to their repertoire. Fortunately, her aim was off, but my roommate is going to be pissed when he sees the broken lamp. Phoebe whisks in through the front door and powers on over to the parlor with a curt "We have to talk." Raige and Pippihontas follow as Monkey Boy hangs back to drool over The Grimoire. Pippihontas warns him to remain in sight during the confab, lest she blow him up. Monkey Boy's like, "Whatever," and crosses into the sun porch.
Phoebe collapses into an overstuffed chair and fills them in on her premonition. "What's taking so long?" shouts the Monkey Boy. Pippihontas tells him to shut it. Phoebe babbles a bit about the recent invasion of her uterus before the Dolt orbs in, in Action Dolt mode. "We got big problems," he pants. "Where's the wizard?" Pippihontas assures him they have the Monkey Boy situation under control, and fills him in on The Sole. "What's taking so long?" repeats Monkey Boy. Pippihontas howls, "Shoosh!" The Dolt tells the gals that if Monkey Boy is evil, he can use a spell in The Grimoire to vanquish the new Source. If that happens, Monkey Boy himself will become Hell's new leader, and he'll have enough power to resurrect "his people." Monkey Boy again yells, "What's taking so long?" Pippihontas makes to shut him down once again, but pulls herself up short with a puzzled look on her face. Understanding flickers across her face, and she growls as she stomps over to the sun porch, followed by Raige, Phoebe, and the Dolt. "Monkey Boy" rises from the wicker loveseat. "I can't believe we let that slimy Lord of the Rings wannabe use us!" rages Pippihontas. She flings her hands out and, rather than blowing up, "Monkey Boy" winks out in a golden glowy flare. Presently, "The Grimoire" does the same. Phoebe guhs, "It was an illusion?" "On a time loop, no less," Pippihontas groans. The gang realizes they have to come up with another plan quickly. Raige suggests they head over to the Casa Del Sole to ask the demon therein for advice, still not knowing, of course, that he is the focus of the coronation ceremony. Pippihontas nixes this idea, as Phoebe probably couldn't handle confronting him at this point. Phoebe raises a brow.
Down in Hell, The Sole is being fitted with his ceremonial robes under the watchful eye of D'Eartha. His demonic tailor is wearing a medieval crusader's helmet, and it's making him look like a shiny silver dildo. The Sole, distracted from the task at hand by thoughts of his wife, shrugs off his robes to go find her despite D'Eartha's strenuous protests. She argues that if he travels topside alone, Monkey Boy will leap at the opportunity to kill him. The Sole's not having it. If he can't have Phoebe, he doesn't want the throne of Hell either. This is the point where D'Eartha should vanquish his sappy cracker ass and rule in his place. Unfortunately, she chooses not to pursue that particular course of action. Rather, she announces, "If losing the witch has cost you your will, then I will get it back." The Sole, now down to the signature black turtleneck he wears so well, wonders what she means. D'Eartha silently and ominously rays out.
Casa Del Sole. The gals plus the Dolt stomp through the apartment searching for the absent Sole, rudely rousing Grandma from her nap. Grandma takes one look at the Dolt, rolls her eyes heavenward in despair, and heads into the kitchen to rustle up a ham and Swiss on a kaiser roll. Raige asks if Phoebe tried calling The Sole's office. Phoebe admits that she's come to believe he doesn't have an office. Belinda squiggles in through the French doors to note icily that The Sole does indeed have a place of employment. Phoebe inquires as to her husband's whereabouts. Belinda replies that he's somewhere "safe" from Phoebe. "All right," Raige snots, ready for a smackdown. "Do you want to punch her or should I?" Phoebe glances Raige's way, but says nothing. Belinda and Phoebe circle each other, sniping. Belinda basically calls Phoebe a breed sow, Phoebe basically calls Belinda a whore, and then we get an all-too-brief catfight. Belinda hurls an FBOD that Phoebe avoids by levitating up towards the ceiling. The FBOD vanquishes a vase on the mantelpiece. Phoebe flings out her hand, spraying a stream of fire in Belinda's direction. Belinda cartwheels to safety. Pippihontas attempts to intervene, but Phoebe tells her to cram it. Another spurt of fire from Phoebe's palm sends Belinda skittering backwards up the wall, where she screams and shrieks and eventually explodes, leaving a heart-shaped scorch mark where her ass had been. "Homewrecker," Phoebe sneers in triumph. Raige, from behind a column, says, "Um, Phoebe? Okay, you're scaring us." The Dolt adds that flamethrowing is "an upper-level demonic power." Phoebe gapes, wondering what's going on. Grandma pauses on her way back to the Barcalounger with her sandwich to smack Phoebe in the teeth. Phoebe starts to shudder before squiggling a bit and disappearing through the floor.
Chamber Of D'Eartha. Phoebe squiggles in from above and wobbles uneasily on her feet while taking in her surroundings. D'Eartha's face snaps into focus, and she urges Phoebe to breathe. She reveals that she summoned Phoebe to her chamber via "dark magic." Phoebe nervously backs away from her, her hands jittering with fear. When D'Eartha continues to advance, Phoebe tries to fry her with a gout of flame from her palm. D'Eartha simply smiles as the flames lap harmlessly at her body. "Feels good, doesn't it?" D'Eartha asks. "Or more precisely, evil." D'Eartha manages to get Phoebe to realize that her husband is the new Source, and employs her considerable powers of persuasion to bend Phoebe to her will. "It's time to embrace your new family -- your new destiny," D'Eartha suavely argues. "Otherwise [The Sole] and your son will die. All of demondom will rise up against them to destroy them and you." Phoebe looks either perplexed, conflicted, constipated, or some unsightly combination of the three.
Coronation Central. The Sole orders his two Mongoloid bodyguards to leave him alone. They respectfully squiggle out. Lord. The Sole is wearing a black cassock over his turtleneck, and the muumuu effect is none too flattering. As Monkey Boy winks in behind him, The Sole conjures a broadsword into his right hand. Brief sword-and-staff play ensues, during which The Sole manages to mutter, "I knew you'd come for me." The Sole beats the Monkey Boy to the floor and places the blade at his throat. "If you wanted my powers," he breathes, "all you had to do is ask." DUN! Also, um, COMMERCIAL!
Casa Del Sole. Monkey Boy hunches over The Grimoire while The Sole stares out the window. Eventually, The Sole turns around, ordering Monkey Boy to hurry things up. Monkey Boy sneers that he's going as fast as he can. Apparently, he's using The Grimoire to transfer TAFKATS from Cole's body into his own. "For God's sake, turn on a light," Grandma tells him. "You'll ruin your eyes." Monkey Boy ignores her. "Fine," she says, turning back to All That Heaven Allows on Turner Classic Movies. "Don't come crying to me when you're BLIND." The Sole pauses to ensure the Monkey Boy agrees with the primary condition of the transaction. Once the transfer is complete, The Sole never wants to hear from Monkey Boy again. Monkey Boy assents, and squats to arrange some votives in a circle on the floor. As he does so, he idly wonders why The Sole is so eager to rid himself of his powers. The Sole admits that he lost someone he loves, and this is the only way to get her back. Monkey Boy wiggles his eyebrows in disbelief. "Love?" he asks condescendingly. The Sole's abdicating the throne of Hell for love? Yeah, yeah. We get it, Apeman. Get on with the ritual already.
Monkey Boy drags a dagger first across The Sole's forearm, then across his own. Grandma shudders in disgust at how unsanitary it all is. Blood from the open wounds drips onto The Grimoire, where it commingles and sends up tiny tendrils of smoke from a page entitled "Malus Into Exitus Omne." Aurgh. More crap Latin. Craptin, if you will. Monkey Boy chants the page title, and the boys levitate off the floor, glowing from within with a pallid light. Monkey Boy shoots out a hand, and The Sole's body jerks forward. TAFKATS, in shadowy Cole form, begins to emerge from Cole's body, moving towards Monkey Boy's outstretched hand. D'Eartha rays in with Phoebe and joins my grandmother in giggling at the lousy special effects. D'Eartha recovers her composure long enough to grip Phoebe's arm and whisper, "Save him! For your son." The prospect of a squalling brat clinches the deal for Phoebe, who flings open her palm to unleash a torrent of flame in Monkey Boy's direction. Monkey Boy vanishes in a cloud of fire, TAFKATS whips back into Cole's body, and The Sole drops to the carpet. Phoebe rushes to his side. Grandma offers D'Eartha a pickle. D'Eartha graciously accepts it with a smile.
Manor attic. Raige scries for Phoebe as Pippihontas and the Dolt bicker about heading back to Hell to search for her. The crystal slams down onto the Casa Del Sole's coordinates.
Meanwhile, back at the ranch, Phoebe asks The Sole if he's okay. D'Eartha and Grandma split a Piels and share a snicker over Jane Wyman's eyebrows. The Sole claims that Monkey Boy was their last hope for saving their relationship. Phoebe drops her speaking voice to its lowest register and intones, "No, it wasn't." Raige, Pippihontas, and the Dolt orb in, terribly happy to have found Phoebe. Phoebe stands and crosses to The Grimoire. She closes it carefully and gathers it up into her arms as Raige splutters, "Hey! I thought only evil could touch that book!" "That's right," Phoebe confirms, sidling over to The Sole. Pippihontas tenses and wonders what's going on. Phoebe huskily replies, "I'm embracing my new destiny." She takes The Sole's hand, and the two blaze on down to Hell. Grandma asks D'Eartha if this means they'll no longer be needing the apartment. D'Eartha's pretty sure they won't. "So? It's mine? I always wanted to live in a high-rise. And I love this TV." D'Eartha grins that they'll have to wait and see, and excuses herself to deliver her line. Pippihontas busies herself by screaming, "What. The hell. Was that?" "That," D'Eartha notes, "was The Source and his queen." Raige threatens to vanquish D'Eartha. D'Eartha sips her beer and replies, "You can't. Not without the Power of Three." D'Eartha tells my grandmother to take it easy, and rays out.
Raige allows herself a minor nervous breakdown as Pippihontas orders the Dolt to orb her down to Hell so she can drag Phoebe "kicking and screaming" back to the Manor. The Dolt insists that abducting Phoebe from the Underworld is not an option, and suggests they think of another way. Grandma boots the three of them out of her penthouse and locks the door behind them.
Coronation Central. Phoebe and The Sole declare their undying love for each other. The Sole's back in his awkward coronation togs, and Phoebe's changed into an Elvira-inspired low-cut ankle-length tight black dress. Demonic monks chant Craptin in the background. D'Eartha sets down her beer and reapplies her lipstick. "It's time," she tells them. The Sole takes Phoebe's hand to lead her into the chamber proper. D'Eartha hangs back with a broad smile on her face. The shot shifts into slow-motion as The Sole and Phoebe approach the pedestal upon which The Grimoire has been restored. The camera cuts to an overhead shot as The Sole recites his vows beneath the blare of the Craptin, and we fade to black.