Episode Report Card Demian: B | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Five More Reasons To Hate The Dolt
By Demian | Season 4 | Episode 16 | Aired on 03.20.2002
However. Remaining with Phoebe as she charms her way through the combative and cruel world of cutthroat urban journalism to become a celebrated, nationally-syndicated dispenser of judicious, sage, and heartfelt advice would be preferable to what comes next. An electric guitar wah. Wah. Waaaahs on the soundtrack as the camera skims the bar top at an empty P3. Piper's off-screen shrieks of delight join the wah-wahs as her cell phone chirps on the bar. Piper -- clearly naked -- pops up from below to answer her phone. They're...not.
They...couldn't.
WHY ARE THEY DOING THIS TO ME?
Avert your eyes, children. Lord, how I wish I could avert mine. Over in Molly's office, Phoebe inquires as to the status of the potion. "P-p-p-potion?" Piper stutters. Yes, she's stuttering. Which means that the Dolt's down there somewhere on the floor, doing something unimaginably horrid to a body part I never needed to know Piper had, with a body part of his own that I really don't want to imagine, and oh! Look! There's the Dolt now! COMING UP FOR AIR! He still has his shirt on, which I would count as a minor miracle were it not for what follows. Piper manages to note that Raige is mixing the potion proper. As the Dolt plants a hickey on the back of her shoulder and moves his hands somewhere out of sight, Piper pants that she has "ten. More. Minutes!" left before she has to return to the Manor to add the hyssop. Phoebe, oblivious, relates the details of Molly's precarious employment situation, and asks how she should respond to a twentysomething woman in Marin County who's still living at home with her parents because she's afraid of being alone. The Dolt goes south. Piper gasps.
Sorry. Nope. I'm sorry. I can't do this. And here's why: Shortly, the Dolt will poke his head above the bar again as Phoebe attempts to discuss Marooned In Marin's dilemma with Piper. And do you know what happens then? Do you? DO YOU? Piper lets out a howl of shocked and surprised pleasure that can only mean one thing. I'll give you two words that should clue you in on what I think the Dolt is doing to her, given that -- in his current physical position -- there can be no other thing that he's doing to her at this moment, and then I'm fast-forwarding ahead to Raige in the Manor kitchen. You ready?
Fatty Arbuckle.
Heinous.
So, the Manor. The kitchen in the Manor. The kitchen in the Manor with Raige. And Molly. Molly at the table in the kitchen in the Manor, muttering dark nonsense like she's seen the face of Satan himself and the sight has churned her scattered little brain into oatmeal. Yeah, honey. Whatever. You know what I just saw, and you don't see me fleeing the tattered remnants of my sanity, do you? Wimp. Molly screams that she has to leave, and flips the kitchen table upside down. Raige flies from the center island to stop her. "After you have the potion," Raige soothes, "you can go anywhere you want." "You're trying to poison me!" Molly cries. "You're working for that bitch Elise! I'm going to kill her before she kills me!" Molly shoves Raige to the floor and bolts for the front door. Raige orbs out of the kitchen into the hallway, blocking Molly's path. Molly pushes her aside and grabs at the doorknob. The Sole enters and wraps the writhing advice columnist in his arms. The Corporate Nazi then smokes into the hallway behind Raige. The Sole shoots him a quick nod of the head, and the Nazi hurls a power ball into Raige's back. Raige staggers against the wall from the impact. The Sole tackles the Nazi through the oft-abused marble-topped entrance table and yells, "[Raige], get her out of here!" Molly, panicked, whips her hands out defensively against Raige. Jets of heat spurt from Molly's palms, crisping the insides of Raige's arms. Yee-ouch. I scalded the inside of my arm once, so I know how painful it can be. Then again, Raige is part of an hour of television that just made me watch the Dolt violate Piper with a Coke bottle, so fuck Raige and her third-degree burns. Molly sprints out the door as Raige's arms sizzle and smoke. Raige summons the Dolt, who promptly orbs in with Piper. He immediately moves to apply the tingly touch to Raige's bubbly skin, like, wash those disgusting hands of yours first, you pervert. The Nazi, meanwhile, boots The Sole to the wall. "Power broker," shouts The Sole. "Blow him up!" The Nazi on the carpet makes a pretty amusing "the hell?" face before Piper dusts him. She squints suspiciously at The Sole for the briefest of moments before wondering where Molly is. Raige, still suffering from her burns, hyperventilates us into commercial.
Manor kitchen. Raige feels a bit woozy, but she attributes this to the aftermath of her run-in with the advice columnist, not to the sudden appearance of the Corporate Nazi in the Manor hall. While Raige transfers a clear yellow potion from a flask into three small vials, Piper warns Phoebe via the cordless that Molly's on the loose, and she's got acid spraying from the palms of her hands. Phoebe's still at Molly's desk, only she's donned a pair of reading glasses like she's suddenly starring in The Front Page. Given Molly's final rant before she fled the Manor, they determine that she's headed to Elise's office to fry the bitch. Phoebe babbles something about meeting her deadline, and hangs up. Piper announces that she'll head over to the newspaper with two of the three available vials of potion. Raige offers to orb her there, but The Sole nixes that idea. It would be better for the Dolt to escort Piper, he argues, as the Dolt can apply the tingly touch should Molly attack with that acid of hers. Raige clearly does not want to be left alone with The Sole, but Piper wordlessly dismisses the negative body language and orbs out with the Dolt. The Sole grins and approaches Raige. "You don't still have a problem with me, do you?" he oozes. "I saved your life out there." The voices in Raige's head dictate that she must flee the kitchen, and flee she does. The Sole casually knocks Raige's vial of the potion onto the floor, where it shatters.