No secret phrase tonight. Just scream in pain whenever Phoebe's on screen. Lord knows I did.
Remember that offhand comment I made about Raige being the Firestarter? And do you remember Stan from last week? Yeah, my initial impulse was to call him Leland Palmer because of that shellacked widow's peak 'do he had going. So, guess what? This week's episode features both a Firestarter and Leland Palmer. We'll chalk this one up to coincidence, but if week's episode features a reference to Frances Farmer, I'm going to sue. For my sanity's sake, at any rate. Anyway, on with the recap.
Bimbo Boudoir. The lady of the room perches on her bed with a basket of laundry, looking surprisingly fetching in a chartreuse off-the-shoulder top that could double as a sausage casing. Seriously, sweetheart, you look good and everything, but give the Fun Bags some room to breathe. Phoebe briskly snaps a pair of Cole's white boxer briefs and inspects them before folding them onto the pile to her left. I'll pause to let all of you McMahon fans out there get a good mental image of what those boxer briefs look like with him in them. Speaking of Cole, into the Boudoir he strolls with an affable "Guess what?" Phoebe smirks and guesses Cole is there to help her fold clothes. "Uh, no," he snorts, looking like he'd rather suck on a can of Drano than help with the laundry. Phoebe smiles conspiratorially and asks, "What good is being a witch if I can't just twitch my nose and make the laundry fold itself?" Cole's puzzled. "Which witch can do that?" "Samantha Stephens?" Phoebe prompts, and the closed captioning along with the Internet Movie Database tell me I've been spelling the poor woman's last name incorrectly for many, many years. At least I always got "Durwood" right. Besides, it's not like the good Mrs. Stephens isn't going to suffer a far worse fate at the hands of Alyssa Milano's performance this evening or anything. Cole remains clueless, as indicated by the half-dozen reaction shots of his blank face the editor saw fit to include at this moment. Phoebe explains that Bewitched is "only, like, one of [her] favorite old television shows," and admits she still has a hard time remembering Cole's "only been fully human for, like, a month." Uh-huh. Are you, like, trying to tell me that the Colethazor never, like, sat down with, like, a six-pack in front of the TV on one of his, like, nights off? 'Cause that's, like, bullshit. I'll let that particular bullshit slide, though, because the bullshit coming up is going to sap the will to live through this hour right out of my body, and we haven't even hit the opening credits yet. ["And didn't we just do this on the most recent ep ofRoswell? Sigh." -- Sars]
So, Cole paces away from Phoebe and asks, "What would you say if I really became fully human and got a job?" Seems a legal aid lawyer at THE BLACK HOLE OF SOCIAL SERVICES quit, and Raige recommended Cole as a replacement. Phoebe too-brightly urges Cole to jump at this opportunity, as it will both "keep [him] busy and help [him] find [his] identity." After a beat, she neurotically adds, "While I lose mine." What? What? Cole calls her on this for me, eliciting the following from his intended. Pardon me for quoting it in its entirety, but you'll need the text of the speech to understand the full-throated howl of disgust that follows it:
Phoebe: It's just...becoming a wife. I mean, I like Samantha, but I never actually wanted to become her. See, Samantha was married to a human, Darrin. Darrin completely repressed Samantha's magic -- completely denied who she was. And it wasn't because he didn't love her, it's just that's the way it had to be. [Cole snarks something irrelevant here that I'll ignore.] It's just that, growing up, that was my only role model for a "typical" marriage, so that's all I knew. And he was able to meet people and leave the house and go to work and build this career -- and she had to stay home. You know, cook dinner and do the laundry. She went from being "Samantha" to being "Mrs. Darrin Stephens" overnight.
Hmmm. Starting from that line about complete repression: No, no, not, bullshit, pull the other one, so was she, she left the house early and often, she worked, she built a career, she wanted to stay at home, she enjoyed taking care of the housework, and no one held a gun to her fucking head, you stupid little nattering twit. Yes, Darrin ordered Samantha not to use magic, but this position of his quickly collapsed because one, she never paid attention to him and two, he was more than willing to take advantage of her powers when use of those powers was in their mutual best interest. Or, even, when such use was in his best interest alone. Meanwhile, the career Samantha Stephens was building was that of mother and wife, and while you might not have that career in mind for yourself, you irresponsible, freeloading tart, how dare you attack a woman who chooses that path for herself? Then there's the whole "loss of identity" nonsense. If anything, Bewitched went out of its way to establish that buffoon, Darrin, as the one whose identity was subsumed as a result of the union; he was far more of a "Mr. Samantha" than she ever was a "Mrs. Darrin." It was, after all, her freaking show. In fact the whole point of the show, like it or not, was that men are doddering, inept morons (cf. Arthur, Uncle; Bombay, Doctor; Kravitz, Abner; Tate, Larry; et al.), and it's the women of the world who really run things. Also, how the hell am I supposed to believe that Bewitched was the only example Phoebe had of a "typical" marriage during her formative years? Sure, Grams loved 'em and left 'em, and God love her for it. But what about the parents of the other kids she went to school with? Were all those parents divorced? Were none of those households double-income? Even if Phoebe used only the families she saw on TV as her "role models" -- and how fucked up is that? -- you mean to tell me she never watched Family Ties? Cosby? Who's The MOTHERFUCKING Boss? And speaking of "'typical' marriage," Phoebe, do you really want me to get up in those oversized tits of yours about what a load of horseshit that is? In short, SHUT UP AND FUCK OFF. Jesus. H. CHRIST. Samantha Stephens could squish you beneath her don't-fuck-with-me pumps like the worthless little maggot you are.
Something tells me the author of tonight's episode has unresolved issues with her own parents regarding her marital status, and she's taking them out on the rapidly-dwindling audience for Charmed. Way to alienate your core audience by pissing all over the best prime-time show about a witch ever. Idiot.
ANYWAY. Cole tells Phoebe not to worry her vapid little head about such matters. For one thing, the societal expectations surrounding marriage were vastly different half a century ago, and for another, he and Phoebe are not a "typical" couple. "I proposed to you under a hail of demon goo," he reminds her, "and you accepted while I was bleeding to death." Actually, she accepted after the Dolt healed you, but after the rant above, I don't feel like quibbling. Cole rises to his feet and draws a ring from his pants pocket, wondering if they can try the whole proposal thing again. Phoebe takes one look at the ring and beams. "Grams's ring? Where did you get that?" Cole reveals that Piper slid it his way when he told her of his plans. Phoebe doesn't think it's such a good idea to accept this particular ring. According to her, Grams was married with it "six times." "Well, she must have liked something about it," Cole counters, "or she would have stopped at three." Fine, I'll quibble: According to Grams herself, she stopped at four -- just like Elizabeth Montgomery. Do the people who write this not watch their own goddamned show? Cole drops to one knee and formally proposes. Phoebe formally accepts. He slides the ring onto her finger, and the two embrace. The camera pulls in close to the ring as it flares up whitish gold on Phoebe's finger. Aw. We love the radioactive isotopes.
Cut to a big barn of a Victorian elsewhere in the city. Up in the hall, Kevin Costner's hot dad from Field of Dreams and Nancy Gribble from King of the Hill knock on a bedroom door that's been slammed in their faces. Because referring to them as Hot Dad and Nancy is going to irritate me, especially because Hot Dad looks like he's been ridden hard and put away wet many, many times over the last fourteen years, I'll call them Andrew and Vicky McGee for reasons that should soon become obvious. "Tyler?" Vicky begins gently, addressing the bedroom's occupant. "We just want to talk." Cut to Tyler, pushing his weight against the door from inside. Tyler's about twelve, has hair like Adam Rich, and whines. Any one of those things alone would make me hate him. All three of them together? DetestFest 2002. Tyler whines an apology for some indeterminate infraction. The patient McGees assure him that they're not angry -- they just want him to open the door. Andy shoots an aside to Vicky to contact "Ludlow." Tyler shouts out, demanding to be told just who this "Ludlow" person is. Andy calls back that this Ludlow person runs that nice boarding school they were telling him about. Tyler throws a fit, screaming that he's not going to boarding school! And they can't make him! If this little twerp were mine, he'd have been shipped off as soon as he'd been potty-trained. All of the shouting is apparently too much for widdle Tywer's widdle bwain, for he presses his fingertips against his temples and wails. His sports-themed bedspread bursts into flames. Snicker. Vicky calls for him again and again through the door as Tywer gasps and pants and shudders and gapes and sends the contents of his bladder streaming into the opening credits.
Morning has broken upon Halliwell Manor. In the kitchen, Piper and the Dolt silently peruse separate sections of the newspaper. Raige enters with some standard I-don't-like-Mondays grumbling. Phoebe perkily hustles to her side, offering coffee. She pours out a mug with her engagement ring pushed up into Raige's face. With proper prodding from Piper, Raige makes appropriate cooing noises along the lines of "Nice ice." The conversation shifts to the reasons behind the latest fight Piper and the Dolt have been having. This one's about raising "magical children in a non-magical world." The Dolt wants to "bind" the powers of any potential issue of their joint loins, arguing that growing up is difficult enough without having the added burden of pyrokinesis and astral projection and demons and whatnot. Piper thinks the Dolt's being monstrous. Grams bound the Ps' powers when they were mere tots, and as a result, they lived most of their lives "ignorant about [their] destiny." "I look back on those normal days," Piper grits, "and I feel like I was a complete and total fraud!" Raige wisely shifts topics, asking where Cole is. Phoebe offers to fetch him and thanks Raige for landing him the job at THE BLACK HOLE. "Especially now that we're getting married," she adds oddly, "and he's gonna have to get used to bringing home the bacon." Raige wonders when Phoebe "started caring about bacon." The Dolt opines that he's certain "she meant all breakfast meats." Shut up, Dolt. Raige trails out to the hall as Piper and the Dolt snipe a bit more at each other.
Cole trots down the stairs clad in his best old A.D.A. gear. As Raige needles him to get his ass in gear, Phoebe blathers something about how proud she is of him and how their lives now are "so Bewitched." Cole wags his finger at her by way of correction. Unfortunately, it's not the same finger I'm wagging at the TV screen at the moment. Phoebe should "feel free to use all the magic" she wants while he's gone. Phoebe natters something further about whatever her man wants, her man gets. Raige and Cole exit. Phoebe admires her engagement ring, then wonders what to fix Cole for dinner. The Flatulent Horns Of Hilarious Hijinks carry her airily into the kitchen.
THE BLACK HOLE OF SOCIAL SERVICES. Raige ushers Cole into his considerably cramped quarters. He bitches a bit about the lack of space before "Cynthia Corren," the director of the legal aid department and his new boss, barrels in for a quick introduction. Raige quietly excuses herself. Cynthia wishes she had more time to get acquainted, but she has to start Cole on his first assignment immediately. Pushing a stack of folders into his hands, she gives him the rundown on his first case. "Slumlord Alan Yates" cut off the heat in his tenants' building two weeks ago. He's scheduled for a noon "fact-finding" interview, so Cole has two hours to get up to speed. "You better be fast," she tells him, "and you better be good." She thanks Cole and exits. The sadists in charge of this program force Julian McMahon to attempt a funny about being "only human." You can tell he hated the line when he read the script, argued fruitlessly with the producers about it, and then conspired with the director to shoot ten equally lousy takes of it out of spite, from which they chose the edit appearing in this episode. We get an overhead shot of Cole stretching out his arms in his new office. He can just about touch both walls.
Meanwhile, Tywer sits alone and forlorn out in the reception area. Damn, his bowl cut is irritating. Raige, wearing a red micro-mini so high and so tight that her preadolescent clients are certain to receive a surprise lesson in female anatomy, breezes past him with a quick hello. She walks over to her boss to ask him who the kid is. Bob the Bossman tells her Tywer was found sleeping in an alley. He readily gave them his name, but they can't get any other information out of him. Raige theorizes that a product-placed hand-held video game will "loosen him up," and heads to the mailroom to fetch one from Billy the Clear. Bossman Bob sits to Tywer and tries to tease some more information out of him. Tywer keeps his widdle mouth shut, save for noting that he was not physically abused. Bossman Bob keeps pressing, however, and eventually Tywer's fingertips meet his temples as The Zither Of Rage wings onto the soundtrack. A wastepaper basket bursts into flame just as Raige returns from the mailroom. As many on the forums pointed out, Raige rather stupidly screams, "Fire!" like, Raige. Honey. Think for a second here. Your orbing telekinesis is triggered when you call out something by name while in a heightened emotional state. You're lucky that blaze in the trashcan didn't leap directly onto that scrap of red denim you're calling a skirt. Tywer, realizing he scwewed up again, bolts from THE BLACK HOLE amid the confusion. Raige grabs her jacket and runs after him.
Out in the parking lot, Raige finds Tywer crouched behind a car. He tries to walk away from her, but she doggedly pursues him. She finally gets him to stop when she admits that she saw him start the fire inside the office. He begs her not to send him back to "the clinic" or his "foster parents," though it's never made clear if that barn-like Victorian should be called the Andrew And Vicky McGee Clinic For Wayward Flamers or not. Raige promises Tywer she's going to hide him away somewhere safe, and takes his hand to lead him to the Manor.
Back inside THE BLACK HOLE, Bossman Bob smothers the blaze with the aid of an extinguisher. Once it's out, he backs away from the trash can and right into the McGees. Andy politely inquires as to the whereabouts of their son. Bossman Bob tells them both that Tywer had been in the office, but disappeared in the "chaos." Vicky frets that they must find Tywer immediately. Bossman Bob apologizes and promises to do everything he can to help them. During the whole conversation, Andy's a bit too polite and overly sincere, while Vicky's a bit too panicky and overly strident. How shall I put this? Hmmm. There's something subtly wrong with each of them. Sorry. I should have warned you to make sure you were sitting down for that sentence. Subtlety in a Charmed episode is a shocking concept, I realize. I think it's because Subtlety demands triple-scale for each appearance. Don't worry. Alyssa more than makes up for it later in the episode. Anyway, Andy apologizes to Bossman Bob for his distraught wife's outbursts, and asks if he might speak with her alone in one of the nearby offices. Bossman Bob nods his head and warily watches them walk away as if he, too, were unnerved by Subtlety's unexpected guest appearance in this episode and what this might mean for his own paycheck. Once Bossman Bob is out of earshot, Andy hisses, "You're making a scene!" "Can't a mother be upset about the loss of her son?" Vicky replies. Andy gets snippy: "You're not reacting like an overreacting parent. You're reacting like a demon!" Vicky snaps. They don't have time to screw around at THE BLACK HOLE. Ludlow wants Tywer by nightfall. If they don't meet that deadline, they don't receive their "bounty." Andy counsels patience. Yes, the only means they have of tracking Tywer is through tracking his power, but Tywer's certain to blow his top again. In the meantime, all they have to do is remain alert. Subtlety is joined by tonight's other surprise guest star Continuity as Andy rays out, followed closely by Vicky. For yes, gentle reader, Andrew and Vicky are demonic bounty hunters. Bossman Bob joins Subtlety and Continuity as they trot off to the bank to cash their checks before they bounce.
Manor sun porch. Raige gives Piper and the Dolt an update on Tywer's emotional state. He remains unresponsive, despite her best efforts to get him to communicate. "He just seems really afraid," she shrugs. Raige gets the feeling that Tywer's always "felt like an outsider and a bit of a freak, and now he's found out that in some ways he is." Hey! Is that a crack, missy? Is Tywer The Firestarter really supposed to be Tyler The Future Flamer Of America? Are you telling me he's going to grow up to one day blow $1,500 on front-row tickets to a Madonna concert? Because in that case, someone's got to do something about that hair of his. Anyway, Raige's little lecture offers Piper and the Dolt a further opportunity to debate the merits of binding a child's powers until he or she reaches adulthood. Piper likens it to severing a limb. The Dolt rightly points out that Tywer's powers could be "a danger to himself and others." Piper's having none of this binding talk. They should first give him a chance to learn to control it. Perhaps, she argues, the reason he found his way to the Manor was so that the Glamorous Ladies could "teach him and guide him." Yeah, teach him the lyrics to "I Will Survive" and guide him to Abercrombie & Fitch. Phoebe, acting like she's zoning on Mother's Little Helper, interrupts the confab with a plate of cookies. I'm going to give Phoebe and her perky Eisenhower-era hausfrau routine exactly the amount of attention it deserves, which is none at all. Piper takes the plate and asks Raige if she (Piper) could speak with Tywer on her own. Raige readily agrees, as she has to get back to work. Besides, the sooner one of them breaks through to him the better, for "the last time [Raige] checked, kidnapping was still illegal." Raige exits. Piper moves towards the parlor door, offering Phoebe "a little tip" as she goes: "Lay off the hairspray. There's a Firestarter in the house." Well, in that case, I've got a case of AquaNet -- nah. Too easy.
Piper enters the parlor and, long story short, manages to engage Tywer in conversation. She reveals that she understands what he's going through, and even blows up an cheap vase to prove it. Tywer is suitably impressed at this display of her power. Piper patiently explains that Tywer, too, can learn to focus his emotions and control his power as she herself has done. Then she asks him why he ran away from his latest set of foster parents. He allows that he set fire to the couch in a fit of anger. Vicky started yelling at him, and then the voices in his head told him to knock over the liquor store on the corner, and all the while Madonna was screaming, "Give me faith! Give me joy! My boy! I WILL ALWAYS CHERISH YOU!" And then the little dweeb playing Tywer does that stupid fingers-to-temples-while-grunting thing again and sets one of the throw pillows ablaze. Piper reassures him that they're used to such "accidents" in the Manor, and freezes the pillow before the curtains catch. Tywer shoots Piper a look that says he wants to be just like her when he grows up -- and if she throws in those snappy little tight black leather pants along with the deal, all the better!
Kitchen. Phoebe, with the happy homemaker schtick. The only thing I'm willing to grant them is that Phoebe's hair looks more and more like Elizabeth Montgomery's as this episode lurches along. Right now it's bouffed up a bit like Samantha, circa 1972. Everything else about this plotline? Blows. The Dolt enters to fetch some water for the fire in the parlor and notices something's not quite right with Phoebe. Dolt that he is, he drops the matter and exits as the phone rings. Phoebe answers it to find Cole on the other end. He bitches about the slumlord, a right bastard who cut off the heat to an elderly tenant's apartment. The tenant caught pneumonia, and then the slumlord tried to have her evicted. Phoebe makes comforting noises and promises to have a martini and a steak waiting for him when he gets home. It hurts me both physically and psychically to type this shit out, people. Phoebe abruptly ends the call when the doorbell rings.
The shot cuts to the hallway, where Piper is already on her way to answer the door. Phoebe skitters past her to greet Andy and Vicky, posing as the perfect WASP couple on the front porch. Upon learning they're looking for Tywer, Phoebe invites them in and offers to whip up something for them to eat. Piper, thankfully, cuts through the crap and suspiciously asks them how they knew to find Tywer at the Manor. There's an awkward pause before Vicky perks, "Maternal instinct?" Andy gapes at Vicky's overwhelming stupidity for a moment, then pimp-slaps Piper backwards into the parlor. Phoebe hoots and yodels. Piper leaps to her feet and tosses her hands into attack position. She misses the McGees entirely. The hall mirror? Vanquished. The Flaming Ball Of Death makes its triumphant return as Vicky hurls one at Piper. Piper dodges it, and Hell gets a new lamp. Vicky flings another FBOD as the Dolt tackles Piper to the floor. I'm certain The Source will enjoy his new overstuffed armchair. "Leave them alone!" Tywer screams. Vicky tells him to can it. Madonna shrieks, "Just like a dream! You are not what you seem! Just like a prayer! No choice! YOUR VOICE WILL TAKE ME THERE!" Vicky and Andy burst into flame. In what is possibly the best version of demons blazing on down to Hell I've yet seen on this show, it takes quite some time before they're completely gone. Vicky's howls of anguish and despair in particular are most effective. The jerky, hand-held camera pans across Piper, past Tywer, and into commercial.
"The WB Milk Moustache Mystery"? Are they high?
Back in the Manor parlor, Tywer pouts on the couch, convinced that he's done something horribly wrong. Piper and the Dolt attempt to reassure him, but he's pretty much shut himself off from their arguments to the contrary. Piper takes his hand and leads him upstairs to the attic. There, she asks if she can trust him. Tywer vows that she can. Piper hauls the Book of Shadows over to a sofa and opens to the entry on demonic bounty hunters. The unfortunate illustration accompanying the text has caught an anonymous bounty hunter posing like that drunk from the Backstreet Boys crooning a lyric I'm certain involves the words "baby, I love you" at some point or another. The entry itself reads, "Driven by greed, these heartless low-level demons will stop at nothing to collect their bounty. They have the power to fire [Flaming Balls Of Death] and/or lightning bolts and can materialize at will. Bounty hunters track down fugitive demons, but if the price is right, they will go after anyone." I thought their proper name was "Zotars," and if so, shouldn't that be the entry's title? Piper and the Dolt explain that Tywer's foster parents were demonic bounty hunters in disguise. Tywer s l o w l y realizes that by killing them, he did the world a favor. Piper flips through the Book to the entry on Firestarters, and passes it to Tywer so he can read it for himself. "An extremely rare and coveted magical creature, usually a mortal," Tywer intones. He stops to ask Piper what "covet" means. Clearly not a Catholic child. Or, for that matter, a bright one. "The power is linked to their emotions," the entry continues. "It first manifests in adolescence with the onset of puberty." As opposed to manifesting itself at puberty with the onset of adolescence. "If subjugated while still impressionable, they can be persuaded to use their powers for evil. Because of this, they are often trained to be bodyguards of The Source." DUN! Tywer frets that he must be Eeevil as well. Piper corrects him, noting magical powers in and of themselves are neutral; good or Eeevil lies within the intentions with which those powers are used. Tywer then fills them in on Ludlow and the "boarding school," which the Dolt interprets to mean "training academy." The Dolt figures that The Source must be ready to rise again if he's sending demonic bounty hunters after Firestarters. He pulls Piper aside for a private chat, leaving Tywer to leaf through the Book on his own. Andy and Vicky must have tracked Tywer through his use of his power, the Dolt asserts. They zeroed in on Tywer's location when he torched the throw pillow. It follows that other demonic bounty hunters might be on their way to the Manor in the wake of Andy and Vicky's immolation. Piper frowns.
Kitchen. Phoebe, in jackass mode, prepares soup. A bald bounty hunter with a handlebar moustache and a black duster rays in, looking for Tywer. Phoebe pouts something tiresome about manners, and the bounty hunter prepares to smite her with an FBOD. Atta boy. Piper skitters into the kitchen and blows the guy up. A brief scene follows in which Phoebe continues with the condescending June Cleaver nonsense while Piper completely ignores her in favor of formulating a plan to confront Ludlow. It actually looks like Holly Marie Combs is ignoring Alyssa Milano, as if Combs herself realizes what a crock this subplot is and is only enduring it for the sake of her mortgage payment. It's pretty amusing. Anyway, Piper announces that she and the Dolt will pose as bounty hunters themselves to locate Ludlow, and asks Phoebe to call Raige back to the Manor. Phoebe retrieves the cordless as Piper exits.
THE BLACK HOLE OF SOCIAL SERVICES. Raige answers her phone. Phoebe addresses her as "Serena" and identifies herself as "Sam." Whatever. In the background, Cole hurls his twelve o'clock through a door. Blah blah blah threat-cakes. Cole orders the slumlord to turn the heat back on or else. Cynthia Corren fires Cole. Raige gapes. Scene.
Manor. Piper and the Dolt watch Tywer fiddling with a Gameboy. Piper waxes nostalgic, with just a hint of regret. Had Grams not bound the Ps' powers when they were children, they might have been better prepared to function as witchy adults. The Late Lamented might still be alive, The Source might have been vanquished long ago, and Piper and the Dolt might actually be raising a family instead of arguing over the merits of having one. Raige and Cole barge in through the front door to interrupt this monologue. Piper gets them up to speed on recent events and future plans and prepares to orb out with the Dolt. Phoebe enters from the kitchen. While babbling about biscuits or something, she "flashe[s] black and white." The associated sound effect is that of a radio channel being switched open and closed. Piper rolls her eyes and announces she doesn't have time to deal with Phoebe's bullshit at the moment. She instructs Cole to "fix" his fiancée and have her compose a Power of Three vanquish should they need to lure Ludlow back to the Manor. Tywer wanders to Piper's side, asking if he can join them for the Ludlow hunt. Piper shakes her head, insisting that the situation is too dangerous for the brat. She and the Dolt begin to orb out. At the last moment, Tywer leaps onto the Dolt's back to join the orb.
The Ludlow Academy For Wayward Young Flamers. Piper, Tywer, and the Dolt orb in onto the driveway off to one side of a locked and forbidding gate. Tywer immediately drops from the Dolt's back and doubles over, looking like he's about to hurl into the azaleas. "He jumped the orb!" peeves the Dolt. Piper's furious and announces that Tywer is returning to the Manor right now, whether he likes it or not. Sorry, Piper. The three black-clad demonic henchboys squiggling in around you seem to have other plans for the dweeb. Commercial.
Back from the break, the head black-clad henchman confronts Piper and the Dolt, demanding to know who they are. The Dolt lames something about having simply lost their way. The henchman tells them that's not possible -- the Academy is protected by "charms." They had to have been looking for it to find it. The henchman orders his underlings to off them. As the henchboys toss a couple of FBODs, Piper freezes the scene. Tywer immediately bolts for the gate. Piper races after him and reiterates her desire to keep him back at the Manor and out of harm's way. Tywer argues that once the henchman learns he's a Firestarter, he'll grant Piper and the Dolt access to Ludlow. Piper needs him there, and besides, he might be able to use his powers to help her. She understands his point and reluctantly agrees. She unfreezes the scene behind her, and the FBODs hurl themselves ineffectively against the gate. Piper informs the henchman that she and the Dolt are bounty hunters, there to present Ludlow with a Firestarter. The henchman asks them for the password. The Dolt hems and haws. Piper rolls her eyes and blows the henchman up. "That was it," one of the henchboys tells her, and the party is led through the gate.
Manor. Phoebe's in a bubble bath. Cole enters the bathroom with some incredulous anger. Phoebe should be working on a spell, shouldn't she? Sorry, Cole. All the thoughts just fly right out of Phoebe's head when she's having a relaxing soak. Right. Like there were any thoughts roosting in there in the first place. Cole yells, "You're a demon-fighting, ass-kicking witch who never lets her sisters down, so I want you to get out of that bathtub and show me what you're made of!" Phoebe stands, naked in the tub, and flashes black and white. Raige enters to kick it promo-style: "Oh my GOD! Full frontal Phoebe!" Indeed. Raige is evidently a stronger person than I, for she does not turn to stone at the sight. Cole and Raige knock their heads together and figure out that Phoebe's under some sort of spell that's turning her into a black-and-white hausfrau. Cole promises to help Phoebe snap out of it and tells Raige she'll have to compose a vanquish on her own. Raige pleads that she's never written a spell before in her life. I'll give her that one, because up until now she's only revised existing ones. Cole assures her she can do it, and sends her on her way.
Ludlow Academy For Adolescent Material Boys. One of the henchboys leads Piper, Tywer, and the Dolt up a winding staircase to a closed door, which he instructs the three to "walk through." After a bit of hesitation, they do just that, passing bodily through the wood into the Gothic-themed chamber beyond. Piper summons Ludlow, who appears in a column of twisting bolts of blue electricity. Hey, it's Leland Palmer! I heard Madeleine is moving back to Missoula, Montana. What are you gonna do about that, huh? Anyway, Ludland greets the trio from his chair and smirks at Tywer, "You've been giving us quite the runaround, haven't you, boy?" Tywer reluctantly mumbles, "Yes." Ludland prompts, "Yes, what?" "Yes, sir," is the lad's meek reply. Ludland smiles. "No one teaches manners any more." Word. Also, Ray Wise is too good for this show. Even so, if they had to hire him, why was it only for one episode? Morons. Anyway, Piper surreptitiously tries to freeze him. The freeze doesn't affect Ludland at all. "What are you doing?" he asks her mildly. "You're afraid I'll grab the boy and, uh, stiff you?" The ick factor just increased by about thirty. Ludland rises to his feet and assures them that they'll receive their bounty if Tywer is indeed a Firestarter. If he's not...well, then, they'll all die. Ludlow orders Tywer to prove he possesses the power in question. "Go ahead," Piper urges, with a sly raising of her eyebrows. "Give him all you've got." Tywer squints. Nothing happens. Ludland circles around his desk to berate him. Piper shouts, "He's just a kid! Lay off him!" Ludland howls, "Insolent! How dare you!" Madonna roars, "Quicker than a ray of light! Quicker than a ray of light! QUICKER THAN A RAY OF LI-HI-IIII-IIIIGHT!" Ludland bursts into flame for a moment, then shakes it off. "Excellent!" he murmurs, though he does not tent his fingers as he does so. Ludland then snaps his fingers and anesthetizes Tywer with a blast of white smoke from his index finger. Neat trick. Piper protests, but Ludland tells her to cram it. Their bounty awaits them outside, he tells them. Then, for no reason other than that the script dictates he must, he reveals that The Source intends to slaughter the dweeb and abscond with his pyrokinesis.
Ludland snaps his fingers again, flinging Piper and the Dolt backwards through the air, out of the room, out of the Academy, and all the way down the driveway past the gate. Ludland rules. A small gold chest rests almost entirely unnoticed by the bushes. I suppose it's the bounty booty, but no one ever explains it. Piper and the Dolt crash to the ground but quickly rise to their feet. Piper calls for the Dolt to orb into the Academy to rescue Tywer. The Dolt orbs out, the orb cloud smashes into an invisible barrier of demonic electrical energy protecting the gates, and the Dolt crashes to the ground once more. Piper warily steps forward into commercial.
I've noticed something. There seems to be more time set aside for commercials in this episode than in weeks. You think they recognized the Bewitched subplot for the bullshit it is and hacked most of it out at the last minute? If so, I shudder to imagine what those excised scenes involved. Maybe the whole thing started out as a mockery of Carol Brady, but some ass of a suit at the WB decided it would be more suitable to appropriate Bewitched. Wouldn't surprise me at all, given the network's habit of stepping in to ruin shows like Popular and Grosse Pointe. If this is indeed what happened, I'll cut Nell Scovell some slack for the script. Hell, I'll even toss a little sympathy Alyssa's way.
Academy driveway, aftermath. Piper flings her hands out a couple of times, attempting to blast through the gates. The gates simply absorb the blows and disperse them across the force field. The Dolt hustles his orbing ass back to the Manor.
Manor attic. Cole and Raige look on as Phoebe flashes black and white while perched daintily on a wingback chair. She's knitting. She's also wearing a plaid woolen knee-length skirt, a lilac sweater set, and pearls. Eventually, she settles into black and white for good. The knitting yarn remains yellow. It's like Pleasantville. Except for the part where it's totally not like Pleasantville at all. Alyssa Milano is not and never will be Joan Allen, and this script doesn't even enter the same star system as the movie's as far as the themes of personal awareness trumping blithe ignorance and vibrant individual expression swamping bland enforced conformity are concerned. So, um, shut up, special effects. The Dolt orbs in, and subplot-related mayhem ensues. Raige eventually realizes that the ring must be affecting Phoebe's behavior and skin tone, and summons it from Phoebe's finger into her own palm. As Phoebe flashes into color and collapses back into her chair, Raige reads the ring's inscription: "To gain another is to lose yourself." Cole and the Dolt take this to mean that Grams cursed the ring. The wherefores of this are not theirs to ponder at the moment, as the Dolt has to drag Raige and Phoebe back to the Academy right away. Phoebe's a bit woozy, but with the aid of a short pep-talk from Cole, she pulls herself together for the trip.
Ludland Academy For Adolescent Material Boys And The Middle-Aged Men Who Love Them, brought to you by NAMBLA. Damn. Did I take it too far this time? Sorry. Phoebe, Raige, and the Dolt orb in to find Piper still trying to blast through the gate. Phoebe wings a quickie spell to tear down the demonic force field. Said spell reads, to wit[less], "Door unlock, no magic block." The force field flares. Piper approaches, only to be magically rebuffed once more. Raige and Phoebe suggest returning to the Manor to search for something more effective in the Book of Shadows. Piper agrees, until she hears Tywer moaning in terror from inside. He actually wails, "No! Please don't hurt me." The context into which I've so cavalierly placed the Academy and its headmaster makes that line particularly revolting. Stay away from the bad touch, Tywer! Piper quickly rethinks the trip back to the Manor and orders the others to step back. She flings out her hands three times, the impact against the gates increasing with each toss. Upon the final one, the gates blow open. "I think [we] just saw a mother lift a car off her child," Raige whispers to Phoebe as they follow Piper up the drive.
Lair Of The Ludland. Tywer lies unconscious on a bier, ice crystals crusting his clothing, his skin, and his nasty-ass bowl cut. Ludland passes his hands over the dweeb's form, chanting something about serving The Source. With Phoebe, Raige, and the Dolt in tow, Piper blasts her way through the door to confront Ludland. She flings her hands out again, and Ludland's shoulder appears to dissolve in a cloud of demonic goop. Ludland snipers to the floor behind his desk as Raige pulls out the Power of Three vanquish she composed for the occasion. The Ps recite:
The brutal winter
Gives way to flowers of spring.
Ludlow is vanquished.
Ludland unhinges his jaw to howl and explodes, stomach first.
To be completely honest with you, the first time I saw this, I joined Piper and Phoebe in making "the hell?" faces at the spell. "Dude," said I to myself, "that neither scans nor makes any attempt whatsoever to rhyme. They're not even trying anymore." Phoebe voices this opinion for me: "What the hell was that?" Raige replies, "A haiku! I couldn't do the rhyming thing." BWA! HA! Excellent. The Dolt steps up to lay a little of the Whitelighter tingly touch on the frigid dweeb. Once the dweeb pinks up a bit, the gang heads back to the Manor.
Manor kitchen. Piper presents Tywer with a glass of Hull Clean. Actually, it's a binding potion she cooked up at Tywer's request. He sucks it down and belches. "Say, 'Excuse me,'" Piper orders. Tywer complies. Piper smiles, "Ludlow was right. No one teaches manners anymore." The Dolt instructs Tywer to try to burn something. The dweeb concentrates for a moment on the kitchen table, but nothing happens. "I didn't hurt it!" he enthuses. Well, of course not, you dickhead. It's an inanimate object. The Dolt beams. Shut up, Dolt. Tywer exits to hit the Gameboy, and it's time for the Weekly Summation. Raige found a good foster family near the Manor for Tywer, which is fine by Piper. Not only does she intend to keep up with the kid's progress, but she also wants to be nearby should he wish to reverse the binding spell at some point in the future. She also learned something from Tywer's rampage through their lives. She can now appreciate "the wisdom in [Grams's] decision" to bind the Ps' powers all those many years ago. Grams "realized that children shouldn't live in fear," Piper explains. "They need to feel safe to explore and learn and grow." Piper realizes that Grams deferred the gift of their powers in favor of the gift of "a normal childhood. The gift of innocence." It's sick-making when you read it, but Holly Marie Combs sells the hell out of it. Piper and the Dolt embrace.
The episode ends with Phoebe and Cole in the bathtub. As opposed to the scene immediately preceding this one, what's sick-making on paper actually is sick-making on the screen, so I'll spare you the details. They agree once again that they're ready to walk down the aisle together; then Phoebe takes Grams's ring and throws it down the drain. Piper's going to be pissed when she finds out about that. Unfortunately, we fade to black before we can gauge her reaction.
week, The Source rises from Hell to attack the gals in their own attic. It bears repeating: Get yourselves a goddamned security system, ladies.