Props to Frenna for explaining the concept of "wild feeds" to everyone on the forums. Also, Cole's back this week. You all know what to do.
The episode opens with the oven cam. For those of you unfamiliar with the concept, this would mean the camera has been placed at the back of the interior of the appliance, the better to capture the action from a "humorous" and "unexpected" angle. I wait for Hedwig to poke his head in to wax poetic on Anne Murray, a Canadian working in the American idiom, and David Bowie, an idiom working in Canada and America. Doesn't happen, needless to say. Instead, I get Piper and Phoebe peering in from the Manor kitchen at a tray of burnt cookies. Piper slides the tray out with a "dammit" and tosses it onto the kitchen island: "I must be losing my touch." Phoebe's fine with that; had Piper remained a world-class chef, Phoebe would be a black dress away from looking like an Italian grandmother. Piper supposes she should whip up another batch of cookies, but Phoebe tells her to ease off. Piper's "obsessing," Phoebe claims. Piper begs to differ. She's not obsessing, she "just want[s] everything to be perfect." "It's a baby shower," Phoebe notes as she crosses to the refrigerator, "not a royal wedding." She chides Piper for putting far too much effort into the affair already when one takes into account the fact that Piper and "Wendy" haven't been close friends in some time. Piper evidently believes it's time to rectify that situation. "In the last couple of years we've vanquished more friendships than demons." So this is going to be yet another episode wherein Piper The Obsessive-Compulsive spends the first fifteen minutes bitching about how she just wants a normal life, the forty battling the demons who enter to take advantage of her ambivalent attitude towards her "destiny," and the last five learning her Lesson Of The Week? Joy. I can't wait to find out what the B plot is.
Phoebe pulls a carton of milk out of the fridge and rattles it. "Got milk?" she asks. "Somebody forgot to put it on the list again," Piper seethes, barely maintaining her composure while providing the B plot in one sentence. Raige is the Manor's new resident fuck-up, and tonight she will learn something about responsibility. It's going to be a long evening. Phoebe tells Piper to go easy on Raige. It's going to take longer than a week for her to adjust to Manor life. Piper's not having it. "There are common courtesies," she snits. "Common sense. Rules." I know I should sympathize with Piper. I've had more than my share of roommate situations where we simply couldn't adjust to each other's manner of living, to disastrous results. And the best situations were those where we used common sense to recognize common courtesies and arrive at a set of workable, livable rules. But Piper's being an unbearable bitch about it, so no sympathy from me. She orders Phoebe to grab a couple of gauzy party baskets and follow her into the parlor.
On their way through the dining room, Piper stumbles over a collapsed and inconveniently-placed artist's easel. She mutters and grumbles and hollers for Raige as Phoebe natters on in the background about throwing a baby shower for Piper some day. Piper pretends she didn't hear that. "You can't ignore that beautiful little girl of yours that we saw in the future," Phoebe reminds her. According to Phoebe's calculations, if Piper and the Dolt don't soon get busy, said beautiful little girl will not exist. Piper smacks down Phoebe the way I've been smacking down people on the forums for the last year regarding the likelihood of the future as foretold in "Morality Bites": "We saw a lot of things in the future that won't be happening now." Thank you, Piper. Now just repeat that on the boards about fifty times. Phoebe insists that Piper's future could still include little rugrats scrawling on the Manor walls with crayon. Piper simply can't foresee incorporating children into a life defined by "demons dropping in all the time." On cue, Cole squiggles into the parlor in front of the oft-abused grandfather clock. He calls for Phoebe, who ignores him. As Phoebe and Piper bicker about turning Piper into a baby farm, Cole scans the parlor like Renfield scanning the air for a snack. Cole finally gets their attention by whistling. He whistles using fingers jammed into his mouth, a skill I never mastered. Just so you know. He's so butch.
As the clock chimes the hour, Cole instructs Piper to freeze the entire parlor, then unfreeze only him. She rolls her eyes but complies, and the clock stops in mid-chime. Cole tells them that "a chameleon" is lurking somewhere within the Manor. Phoebe asks Cole why he's worried about a lizard, like, God, you're a dimwit, Feebs. Cole reveals that the chameleon is "a demon that can transform into any object just to spy" on the Glamorous Ladies. He pounces upon an innocent chair. "You trying to tell me the Manor is supernaturally bugged?" Piper asks. Cole confirms this. The Source has not physically interfered with the Glamorous Ladies as of late, choosing instead to deploy a cadre of chameleon demons to gather information unobserved, in order to formulate his plan of attack. Cole warns the Ps to ensure that the objects surrounding them belong there. Piper hmmms slyly and spies a low-slung bentwood chair with garish cushions in the sun porch. She blows up the chair. Foam rubber and upholstery rain down to the floor. "Piper, I think that was [Raige's] chair," Phoebe whispers. "Yeah, I know. It was ugly," Piper snorts back. Way to take Cole's warning seriously, git. Oops. Sorry, I momentarily forgot that this evening would be all about Piper refusing to take her responsibilities seriously. Let's carry on then, shall we?
The clock recommences with its chiming. "Uh, the room just unfroze," Cole notes. A stout, squat floor lamp behind the girls expands into Spalding Gray. Actually, the actor's name is Alastair Duncan, but the resemblance is there. Pity it's not Spalding. I get the feeling he'd be terribly amusing on this program, but I get a stronger feeling that his standards are too high to deign to appear. Spalding pimp-slaps the Ps over a sofa. Cole hurls a Flaming Ball Of Death that turns Spalding's pimp-slapping right arm into a green goop that splatters across the baby shower favors. The stump that remains quickly regenerates a full arm. Someone should show this scene to the hacks over at Dark Angel so they know what "regenerative" means. Spalding turns to menace Cole as Piper shouts out a warning from behind the couch. Piper flings out her hand. Spalding, having swung his head around to glare at the sisters, ducks. The grandfather clock dissolves into shards of glass and wood. "Dammit!" Piper pants. "We just got that thing fixed!" Snerk. Spalding takes off through the lower floor as a be-Walkmanned Raige blithely descends the staircase in a pink satin baby-doll nightie with a basket of dirty laundry. Cole whips another FBOD. Spalding cartwheels past it, leaving it to send Raige's filthy unmentionables blazing on their merry way down to Hell. Raige is unscathed, as she orbed out just before the FBOD slammed into her basket. Something to ponder: While we already knew Raige's clothes orbed out and in with her, in this instance her Walkman orbed out and in as well. This isn't Cinemax, so we have to cut them some slack about the clothes. However, if the objects she holds in her hands also orb out and in, why was her laundry left vulnerable to attack when her Walkman came through the experience with nary a scratch? On a more mundane note, I suppose we are now to assume that some part of Raige's subconscious is constantly scanning the area for dangers of which her conscious mind is unaware. Thus the orbing out despite Raige knowing nothing of incoming fire, friendly or otherwise. Then again, I might be doing the writers' work for them, so draw your own conclusions. Spalding glances around, realizes he's thoroughly outnumbered, and squiggles out. Raige wails, "What the hell happened?" "The freaking furniture just attacked!" is the reply. The four goggle as we cut to the credits.
The Dolt, in a peach button-down shirt, looms into the frame to speak directly into the camera. "Do you know how long [Spalding] was in the house?" Jesus, Dolt, don't ask me. From the sofa, Phoebe notes she can't be certain, but she first noticed the squat floor lamp three days ago. The Dolt heals the slight wound Phoebe received on her forehead from the pimp-slapping of earlier. Piper and Cole snipe at each other for a moment, debating The Source's intentions. Raige trails in from the sun porch, dragging the remnants of her chair cushions. She asks Piper if they can claim the damage on their homeowner's insurance policy. Piper answers in the negative. Raige Valley-Girls something about wondering if she should expect the rest of her belongings to meet the same fate as her chair. Phoebe tells her that "rule number one" in Halliwell Manor is to "expect the unexpected." Piper snippily wonders if they should take this opportunity to fill Raige in on all of the other Manor rules. Phoebe feels this would be counterproductive, given the circumstances. Phoebe and the Dolt decide to scry for the demon using the splattered remnants of his arm. Piper doesn't think it's worth the effort, as Spalding already has whatever information on the Manor residents he requires. Cole reminds her that in addition to information on the gals, Spalding might also possess knowledge of The Source's intentions. Raige, meanwhile, continues to fret over the loss of her ugly chair.
The doorbell rings. A rash of wary foreboding races through the parlor. Phoebe and Piper slowly rise to answer. I suppose they're attempting to lead the audience to believe that Eeevil lurks on the porch outside, and if their definition of Eeevil is a bleached blonde named Becca in a sleeveless turtleneck with a day planner in her hands, then fine. But that's not this show's definition of Eeevil, and we all know a demon would just slam the unlocked door open with no prior warning, so why all this unnecessary "heightening" of the "tension"? Answer any time, folks. Piper whips the door open, startling the aforementioned bleached blonde. Becca's pleasant enough, greeting Phoebe with a friendly and apparently genuine "long time no see." She asks Piper if she's ready to motor to that baby shower. Piper had momentarily forgotten about it, but moves quickly to gather her purse and jacket. There's the matter of the freshly-gooped party favors to consider, but Piper decides they can pick something up on the way. Phoebe's stunned, and drags Piper back into the Manor for a brief confab. Piper can't just disappear during a moment of crisis! Piper can and will. They don't need her to scry for Spalding, so she intends to enjoy the shower while she has the chance. Phoebe and Raige can call Piper once they've found him. Phoebe attempts to protest further, but Piper cuts her short: "The bottom line is, if I'm ever going to have kids, then I need to have a life first which means I have to be a human first and then a witch later. Got it? Good." Piper's biological clock must have gone off while I wasn't listening, because in the last twenty-eight episodes, I've never once heard her express a desire to reproduce. She forces her way past Phoebe, calling out a farewell to the Dolt. Phoebe grinds her teeth in irritation.
Hell. Literally. They've even added the screams of those doomed to eternal torment to the soundtrack in the background, and I must say, it's about damned time. The camera tracks through a rough-hewn hallway into a candlelit chamber, where Spalding paces back and forth anxiously. The Source blazes into place behind him. Spalding tenses up as The Source accuses him of failure. Spalding hasn't failed, he insists. While he was exposed prior to gathering all of the information The Source required for his plot, he still managed to find the Colethazor, along with a couple of relevant facts about the gals. None of this satisfies The Source, who placed Spalding in the Manor specifically to gain full knowledge of all of the Glamorous Ladies' "hopes, fears, and dreams," in order to trick one of them into surrendering her powers. Spalding offers to abduct one of the Ps for The Source, the idea being to accelerate The Source's plan. The Ps, after all, are now looking for him. The Source considers this for a moment, decides the option is worth pursuing, and proceeds to "cut out the middleman." The Source blazes out into the form of Spalding, then waves a hand in front of Spalding's body. Spalding bursts into a mushroom of flame and disappears. Someone needs to explain to me where dark demonic forces sent from the flaming maw of Hell go when they're actually vanquished within Hell's confines. Does Hell have a basement, like Filene's? The Spource focuses his attention on an altar, and oh, dear Lord. We're actually in The Chamber Of The Bint. The Spource waves his hand around, and she smokes in to her crystal ball. I think she's had her breasts augmented since we saw her last. Like they weren't unnatural enough the last time. The Spource informs the Smoked Bint that it's time to proceed with his plan. Has she determined which of the three Ps is the most vulnerable? The Smoked Bint mildly replies that each sister has her own unique weaknesses, but adds that Piper might be The Spource's best bet at the moment. "Her -- yearnings appear to be her greatest weakness," the Bint purrs, stroking her abs. Ew. Just start dry-humping your crystal ball, why don't you? Skank. The Smoked Bint slides her slippery fingers over the ball's surface, and Piper's toothy grin presently appears in the smoke therein. The camera plunges into the mist to emerge in P3.
The baby shower is in full swing, with the heavily pregnant Wendy opening Piper's gift. Wendy gasps in surprise and delight as she removes a furry white infant one-piece with faux-leopard trim at the collar and cuffs and a row of large rhinestone buttons down the front. "This is adorable!" Wendy enthuses. "Where did you get this?" "Eilish's ass." Okay, not so much. Piper claims to have found it in a shop in the Embarcadero that carries "the cutest little things." The two women embrace awkwardly across Wendy's distended belly. Piper rises to join Becca at a low table off to one side. Becca continues to be authentically warm and pleasant, noting how happy she is to see Piper out and about again. Piper of course assumes that Becca refers to her recent period of confinement after the loss of The Late Lamented, but Becca's really talking about "the last three or four years." "You just kind of disappeared," Becca opines. Piper distractedly agrees with that assessment as her cell phone bleeps on the table beside her. She lifts it to note that the call is from "Home," then switches it off. Becca worries that Piper has to leave. "It can wait," Piper reassures her. The Dolt orbs into an adjacent hallway, presumably to drag Piper's slacking ass out of there whether she likes it or not. Piper gracefully excuses herself for a moment, then scuttles over to the Dolt's side. Phoebe and Raige have located what they believe to be Spalding, so Piper must make her excuses and leave now. "How are we supposed to have kids if I can't even be at somebody else's baby shower?" Piper spits. The Dolt is as confused by this uncharacteristic biological time bomb as I. Piper agrees to meet the Dolt outside the club after she has said her goodbyes. She works her way over to Wendy, who is sorely disappointed to hear the news. Piper admits she's equally disappointed, pats Wendy on the hand, and leaves. Wendy smirks and wiggles another gift box around. Fake sow.
Manor hallway. Raige is a bit muddled by the proposed plan of attack. They have a vanquish for Spalding, but they're not going to recite it once they've found him? The Dolt and Cole remind her that the objective of the mission is to force information from him, not to vanquish him immediately. Raige still has her doubts. Cole reassures her that he'll "squeeze" what they need out of the demon if he has to. Phoebe finds the idea of Cole accompanying them unwise. As The Source knows where to find the Colethazor, a legion of demonic bounty hunters has undoubtedly been set upon his tantalizing ass. Raige returns to the issue at hand. With Cole's considerable powers of persuasion removed from the equation, how are they to capture the demon and force him to spill? Phoebe notes that Piper could freeze his body, then unfreeze his head, as she did in "Sleuthing With The Enemy." Phoebe looks to her unusually silent sister for confirmation, but Piper's mind apparently has been miles away during this strategy session. She moves wearily to a sofa in the parlor with a counter-proposal. Suppose they offer The Source a deal through his intermediary, Spalding? The Charmed Ones agree to cease all ongoing hostilities if The Source and his minions agree to do the same. Piper reasons that this armistice would "stop all the constant attacks" on the sisters and those they love and/or do from time to time. Raige leans into Cole to breathe, "Am I the only one who thinks she bumped her head?" Get it? You will. Phoebe tries a different approach: Piper can't be serious about this, can she? Check the memo you should have received regarding this episode's main plot line, Feebs. She is. As a matter of fact, she's "never been more serious in [her] life." The Dolt kneels by Piper's side to splutter about Piper "giving up on [her] destiny." "How do you know we haven't already fulfilled it?" she asks of him. "We've saved scores of innocents already. Maybe that's enough." Sweetpea, your series was renewed through the 2003-2004 season. There are scores of future episodes that will contain comparable numbers of future innocents, so give it up already.
Piper refuses to refresh her memory regarding her contractual obligations. Instead, she urges them all to consider what they might gain from the deal. "No more putting things on hold -- vacations, friends, kids." She shoots A Look at the Dolt on this last word, and he once again makes a "Whuh?" face. At this point, I myself would openly question Piper from whence this sudden yen for vacations, friends, and kids came, but unlike the Dolt, I already know it was birthed from Brad Kern's no-doubt considerable posterior. Phoebe insists they can't throw in the towel now that they are so close to realizing their goal of destroying The Source Of All Eeevil. She begs Piper to reconsider, if only for the sake of The Late Lamented. Piper acquiesces, but not before she darkly intones, "I just hope we don't end up where she did." Looks Of Concern appear on Phoebe's face, the Dolt's face, and Raige's face as Piper stomps upstairs. Cole just looks annoyed. Atta boy.
Over in a dark, forbidding alleyway, Piper and Raige mill about the SUV impatiently while Phoebe once again scries for Spalding's location. The crystal plops down on the city map at their current coordinates. As "the crystal never lies," they must be in the right place, despite having found no trace of Spalding during their two sweeps through the area. Piper suggests they split up, the better to lure Spalding from his hiding place. Phoebe and Raige clearly have misgivings, but agree. They wander off, leaving Piper to her own devices. As she strides slowly down the pavement, The Spource appears in relief on the wall. He camouflages himself as a series of bricks and pipes and gas meters as he skulks along behind her. Once Piper has entered a more open area, he materializes. Piper senses his presence and turns to freeze him. The Spource shrugs off the freeze easily and sneers at her dismissively. Piper's eyes widen as she calls out for her sisters. The Spource forms A Flaming Ball Of Get The Hell Away From Me above his outstretched palm and hurls it at her. Piper flies through the air to crash against perhaps the greatest threat to the Charmed Ones' existence. I speak of course of The Convenient Shipping Pallet Of Grave Bodily Injury. They really need to petition the mayor to have those things removed from city alleyways. Phoebe and Raige dart around the corner in time to spot The Spource lifting Piper's unconscious form from the ground before blazing out with her. Phoebe and Raige gape as the camera shoots into Phoebe's mouth.
The blackness of Phoebe's innermost recesses flares white as the camera continues to shoot through, emerging presently to race along a hardwood floor. It slows and eventually stops on Piper's face. From beyond the frame, we hear the Dolt calling her name. Piper groggily twists her head from side to side, raising her hands to her temples. The Piper POV of the Dolt's face blurs as she grumbles, "My head hurts." "I bet it does," soothes the Dolt. "You hit it pretty hard." Piper asks what happened. "The same thing that always happens when you have one of your episodes," he replies. "You threw yourself against a wall." Heh. I resort to throwing myself against a wall only during the very worst of Piper's episodes, like "The Magic Hour." Piper repeats the Dolt's words to herself before being distracted by sounds around her. She whips her head to one side to find a confused gentleman in hospital scrubs babbling about government conspiracy theories involving Jason Behr and spaceships and whatnot. In another corner of the room, three insane ladies play a particularly vicious hand of Snap at a card table. There are other drooling, gibbering idiots around, but Piper ignores them to whip her head Doltwards. "It's okay," he explains. "Those are just the other patients." Piper scrambles to her feet with an increasingly frantic look on her face. From the brief glimpses we get of her surroundings, it becomes clear that she's in a Manor devoid of antiques and collectibles. The walls have been painted institutional aqua and beige. Well, except for the woodstained doorframes and moldings, because it would take too much time for the set crew to restore those details after this episode is over. "Where am I?" she asks. "You're in the sanitarium," the Dolt answers kindly. "You're [or is it 'Your'? The 'writers' are so 'playful' and 'clever'] home." The camera pulls in close to Piper's face, then cuts away to the break.
Piper storms from room to room, wondering what's become of all her furniture and just who, exactly, all these raving strangers are in "our house." "Halliwell Hospital is hardly 'our' house," notes Dolt Ratched. Piper beats on him with a "you must be kidding," then babbles about Spalding casting a spell to alter the Manor and the Dolt's disposition. I'm not sure about that latter bit, Piper. He seems just as useless as ever. The Spource enters from the altered sun porch as Piper dashes for the stairs, calling for Phoebe. A large orderly grabs her arms. She struggles against him as The Spource crosses to Dolt Ratched. Piper identifies The Spource as the demon who's playing fast and frisky with their minds. "Demons again," sighs The Spource. "Piper, we've been through this thousands of times. There are no demons. They're just figments of your imagination." "Wanna bet?" she spits. Piper recites the Spalding vanquish, which goes a little like this:
Evil hiding in plain sight,
I use this spell with all my might.
To stop your changing form and shape,
This vanquish seals your fate.
There's a significant pause, during which nothing happens. The orderly wrinkles his nose thoughtfully and observes, "Doesn't really rhyme, does it?" Nor does it scan, but thanks for the shout-out nonetheless. Blather about Piper "demonizing every psychiatrist who's ever tried to help her." Piper threatens to blow up The Spource. The Spource calls for a straightjacket as Dolt Ratched kicks it promo-style. "Piper, you don't have powers. You're not a witch, you don't save innocents, you never did." A commotion down the hall attracts everyone's attention. Raige McMurphy, deep within the restraining arms of another orderly, kicks her feet and pouts, "It isn't fair! This is my house too and I can do anything I want!" The Spource instructs the attendants to place both women in "isolation." Flunkies wrap a straightjacket around Piper as The Spource apologizes, promising her he'll rid her of "these delusions." The orderlies drag Piper to the basement as she continues to scream for Phoebe. The Spource calls after her, "This illness has already consumed more than three years of your life!" The screen flares white.
Chamber Of The Smoked Bint. The Spource continues, "Don't let it rob you of any more." He holds his hands on either side of Piper's head, speaking softly as the Bint gazes on with bated breath. The camera pans back to reveal Piper suspended, unconscious, in mid-air above a slab of stone. The Spource eases her back down to the slab, then gasps and presses his hands wearily into the stone. "It's taking more magic than I realized to project into her mind," he tells the Bint. The Bint notes that perhaps The Spource is not up to the task. He shoots her a look that indicates he's not above sending her down to Filene's Hell. She insists that she merely meant to caution him; he's weakening himself in an attempt for a prize he may not win. The Spource remains confident. He knows more about Piper than anyone else. He knows that "deep in her heart she never wanted to be a witch." He claims she carries on only out of a sense of duty. Once she learns the "painful lesson" that her powers don't work in her Spource-sent fantasy world, he will crush her resolve and convince her to relinquish not only her own powers, but those of her sisters as well. The Bint dampens her scanties at the wicked, wicked thought of it all.
Manor sun porch. The Dolt squints his eyes and tries to pinch out Piper's current location. He fails. Raige worries that Piper might be dead. Phoebe says that The Spource wouldn't have abducted her simply to kill her. Cole, splattered with green goop, squiggles in with the news that Piper's in "the Underworld." Seems Cole had a run-in with another of Spalding's kind, and "squeezed" the information out of him. That's just so wrong in so many ways, and I'm not going to be the person who enumerates those ways for you. Raige tilts her head to the side a bit and blinks as if she agrees with me. Intending to search for a summoning spell, Phoebe hoists the Book of Shadows to her bosom. She's thrown into a premonition instead. The Source hovers above the attic floor as he approaches the terrified forms of Phoebe and Raige. His hand grasps, and the BoS orbs out of Phoebe's arms to reappear in his clutches. The Source then murders Phoebe and Raige by blowing them up. By the way, Phoebe explodes fun bags first. I think the effects team just pulled one over on Alyssa Milano. Phoebe fills the others in on what she's just seen, noting that The Source used their own powers against them. Raige's heavily-glossed lips wonder how The Source could acquire the powers of the Ps. The Dolt reminds Phoebe of the "relinquishing spell" from the Book. Phoebe reminds him in turn that they "burned that spell three years ago. It doesn't exist." Perhaps, but Piper still remembers it. Phoebe flatly denies that Piper would ever consider giving up her abilities as a witch. "Even though she was kind of willing to this morning?" Raige inquires. Phoebe glares at her. "I'm just saying," Raige counters with a shrug. The Dolt suggests he and Cole head down to Hell to search for the lost P. Cole readily agrees, and he and the Dolt squiggle and orb out. Phoebe and Raige head to the attic to work a few summoning spells.
The screen flares white again to send us back to the nuthouse. What's with the white-flaring transitions tonight, anyway? I think the director is a little too enamored of Six Feet Under. Down in the nuthouse basement, Piper and McMurphy are strapped to beds in an alcove, cut off from the rest of the fruit farm by chicken wire. McMurphy's rambling on and on that she thought she "wasn't good enough for [Piper's] little coven" and that she tried to "play [the] stupid witchy games," but all Piper did was bitch about how McMurphy couldn't compare to The Late Lamented. Piper claims to have engaged in no such bitching. McMurphy snots that Piper didn't have to say the hurtful things out loud -- her attitude made her true feelings clear. The Spource enters the scene to halt the conversation and mess some more with Piper's head. He tells her she's an only child, and that she indulges in witchcraft fantasies as a coping mechanism to deal with the miseries she can't process in a rational manner. "Just like your friend did," he notes, "before she got well -- [The Late Lamented]?" Piper orders him never to mention that name in her presence. McMurphy makes The Jazz Hands Of Disdain in her restraints and snits, "Here we go again. Saint [Late Lamented]!" Piper looks like she has a migraine. The Spource continues, telling Piper she hasn't forgiven The Late Lamented for abandoning their shared fantasy and reentering society a cured woman. Piper's even gone so far as to convince herself that The Late Lamented is dead, when in fact she was released from the nuthouse three months ago. Piper can be cured as well, if she'll only cease her struggle against reason. Piper tells The Spource to get out of her face. He does, locking the gate behind him.
Once he's gone, Piper kicks her feet up and down in their restraints and calls for the Dolt. McMurphy tells her to can it with the Dolt-calling. "You're making me crazier than I already am." Phoebe Bibbit trails towards the alcove, munching on a cookie. Piper begs her to enter the alcove and untie her. Bibbit does so while talking and chewing at the same time. There's a distracting smear of chocolate on the corner of her mouth. Once Piper has been freed, Bibbit snaps her head back and gasps with her eyes closed. Piper thinks she's having a premonition, but Randle's just being erratic and psycho. Bibbit then releases McMurphy. At this point, I should mention that Bibbit and McMurphy have altered their hospital-issue scrubs into bordello-issue slut tops. Bibbit's shirt is sleeveless with spaghetti-strap ties over a visible black bra. McMurphy has on a scoop-necked belly shirt that frequently drops off of one shoulder or the other. Her breasts are unfettered. Piper's nuthouse togs, however, remain as sensible and concealing as her real-life clothing so often is. If, as some have argued, The Spource is utilizing Piper's true feelings about those around her to create this fantasy world, then even Piper thinks her sisters dress like trashy morons. Piper musters her troops for a foray into the attic. She's certain the BoS will be there, as Eeevil cannot affect it. The gals dash up the basement stairs.
On the second floor, Piper and McMurphy cautiously advance down the hall. Bibbit storms up behind them, toting a broom "for flying." Screams drift down from the attic, and the three rush the stairs. Upon entering the room, they find Cole strapped to a gurney with electrodes attached to his head. He's only in this scene, so no cunning Cuckoo's Nest nickname for him. A technician fiddles with a console, and Cole's body goes rigid as the shock courses through him. "You can't hurt me! I'm the mighty Belthazor!" His voice is a rasping, loopy purr as he slides into unconsciousness. Snicker. I like him even more as a delusional nutjob. It must be the scrubs. Piper breaks the broom over the technician's head as Bibbit baby-talks her way through "Stop it! He's not [Eeevil] anymore! He's good!" The technician flies across the room, knocking himself out when he crashes into a desk. Bibbit pecks Cole's neck repeatedly. Piper orders her to find the BoS. Bibbit retrieves it from behind a piece of equipment. It was hidden there, she explains, "to protect it from the doctors -- I mean, 'demons.'" She presents Piper with a spiral-bound notebook filled with childish scribblings. The only two entries are for the Ice Cream Man (a.k.a. the Molester) and Belthazor. Belthazor's entry is accompanied by what looks like a five-year-old's rendering of a cat's face. I'll go for the cheap shot and guess they let Alyssa decorate this prop herself. Piper snaps the notebook shut and addresses Bibbit. "You are nuts." Given that the Book is missing, Piper guesses that this manor isn't the Manor. A change of location might break the spell The Spource has cast on them all. "How come the spell didn't work on you?" asks buzz-kill McMurphy. Bibbit shushes her. "Don't question the rules!" Piper breaks the lock on the window, and the three escape by climbing down the trellis. Piper's the last to leave, and as she does so, The Spource enters to urge her to reconsider her actions. She sneers at him and disappears. A sly smile twists its way onto The Spource's lips as we cut to the three escapees darting out of an alley onto a sidewalk. Piper glances around, seeing nothing more than a brilliantly sunlit San Francisco afternoon. Unnerved by the seeming normalcy surrounding her, she momentarily considers returning to the nuthouse before she catches sight of a purse snatcher ripping off a little old lady waiting for a bus. The thief races out into oncoming traffic. Piper follows, despite the shouted warnings from Bibbit and McMurphy. A red convertible speeds towards her. She attempts twice to freeze it, to no avail. The car slams into her legs, and she shoots across the hood to shatter the windshield with her back. The driver squeals to a halt, throwing Piper to the pavement. Blood trickles from the left corner of her mouth.
White flare to The Chamber Of The Smoked Bint. Piper's levitating head drops to one side, a trickle of blood dripping from the right corner of her mouth. Continuity? We don't need no stinking continuity. Also, anyone care to explain to me how an injury received in what is essentially a dream could manifest itself in reality? Didn't think so. The Spource lowers her body to the slab and oozes, "I think she's just learned her lesson." The dam breaks in the Bint's scanties as we cut to commercial.
Manor attic. Phoebe and Raige recite the summoning spell used so many times already this season. Nothing happens. Raige comes across a cunning plan. The relinquishing spell is in Piper's mind, right? And The Source enjoys mind games, yes? After all, he almost convinced Raige to orb Jake The Purported Abuser's heart right out of his chest, no? So, wouldn't The Source be ransacking Piper's mind in an attempt to reach the relinquishing spell? Phoebe appreciates Raige's logic, and flips through the Book to find a method of entry into Piper's thoughts. The camera tracks into her before the White Flare cuts short the scene.
Nuthouse, Dormitory Division. The Spource waves smelling salts beneath Piper's nose, and she jerks violently awake. Whatever. Like she wouldn't be a quadriplegic right about now after her close encounter with the convertible. More likely, she'd be dead. At the very least, she'd be in an emergency room, not the "sanitarium." Why Piper doesn't realize any of this herself is beyond me. The Spource continues with the smooth talk. Piper, it's clear, is beginning to doubt her own sanity. Again, whatever. See above. The Spource links her illness to the death of her grandmother. Her "episodes" first appeared shortly thereafter, leading to her stay at the home. The Spource, citing one of their prior therapy sessions, suggests that Piper recite the relinquishing "poem" she mentioned in order to free herself of her delusions. She refuses, and orders him out of her room. He stands to leave, but hits her where it hurts with, "You have the power to give yourself the life you've always wanted. All you have to do is stop putting the illusion of being a witch in front of it." Piper robustly flings a plastic water pitcher at him as he shuts the door. Oh, cram it. Piper should be in traction, and what's more, she should know that. Rrrgh. Piper rolls to her side on the bed, calling for the Dolt.
The White Flare escorts us to Hell. The Dolt is pinching out Piper's location again, and this time he's successful. To an extent. He crosses to Cole to notify him that Piper's injured, but he can't quite get a read on her whereabouts. Cole pokes his head around a corner to toss an FBOD at a demonic bounty hunter. The DBH hides behind a stalagmite, then fires off a round in Cole's direction. The Dolt supposes The Spource is blocking his "signal," thereby shielding Piper from his supernatural view. Cole chooses to expose himself to the DBH, knowing that the DBH will merely stun him in order to deliver Cole to The Spource to collect on the promised reward. Upon spotting Cole out in the open, the DBH reacts as Cole predicted, knocking him out with a zapping bolt of blue electricity. The Dolt retreats behind a wall as the DBH and his companion drag Cole Spourceward.
The White Flare body-slams us back into the nuthouse. Dolt Ratched sits at Piper's side to pump her full of morphine. Piper, of course, pants that he should be using his powers instead, like, wake the hell up and smell the mind fuck already, you dingbat. As the morphine kicks in, Piper hallucinates white lights around Dolt Ratched's head. Ooof. This is the best The Spource can do? No wonder Glamorous Ladies keep kicking his ass. Except for, you know, The Late Lamented. But we all know that was really Alyssa's fault, so let's just move this along, shall we? It seems Dolt Ratched has been quite the naughty psychiatrist. He addresses Piper as "honey," and tells her if she does as The Spource instructs, they can stop sneaking behind the staff's backs, realize their shared dream of getting married, and produce a passel of brats together. Fornicating with a patient, Dolt? You are so fired. With an assist from the morphine, Piper's thought processes are even more easily tampered with. She flails about weakly on the bed, torn between accepting Dolt Ratched's explanations and defending what she knows to be true. Dolt Ratched scoops her up in his arms to carry her from the room, despite the fact that her spinal cord should have been severed five scenes ago. He promises to show her something special as the White Flare devours them.
Chamber Of The Smoked Bint. Skippy the DBH and his faithful companion dump Cole a couple of yards away from The Spource, who is so deeply engrossed in the task at hand that he doesn't acknowledge their presence. The Bint rages over, demanding an explanation for the intrusion. Skippy kicks Cole onto his back and glares at her. A slight smile flickers across her face, and she instructs the DBHs to leave Cole there. "I'll be sure you get the credit," she smirks. Skippy refuses to leave without his bounty. In that case, the Smoked Bint tells them, the two DBHs will have to wait. She jiggles back over to The Spource's side. The intrepid Dolt has witnessed the entire exchange from a hiding place off to the side. "I have a surprise for you, Piper," The Spource drones before he, the Bint, and Piper herself are engulfed by the White Flare.
Nuthouse. We are treated to a Piper POV as she approaches The Spource through the sun room. He opens the door to the garden, which is in far better condition than the one at the real Manor. Crappy CGI butterflies notwithstanding. "Crappy" actually doesn't do justice to how lousy they are. You know the scene in 9 to 5 where Lily Tomlin has her pot-induced fantasy of offing Dabney Coleman, and little two-dimensional Disney-esque woodland creatures gambol and gallivant at her feet as a little Disney-esque sparrow perches on her finger and they indulge in a whistling duet? The butterflies look like that, only less artfully animated. I suppose it cost too much to hire a butterfly wrangler. What? Stop giggling. Butterfly wranglers are thick on the ground in southern California. Or so I've heard. Anyway, Dolt Ratched assures Piper that "there's magic in the real world too." The Spource leans in to add that Piper's friends have dropped by for a visit. Becca leads a gaggle of ladies down the garden path to Piper's wheelchair, blondes up front, ethnics in the rear. Piper's about to burst into tears, as these are the first people in this fantasy to behave as she remembers. Wendy emerges from the throng with an infant swaddled in Piper's furry one-piece shower gift. She allows Piper to hold the infant. Piper's womb throbs, and she loses it. The Spource tells the ladies they'll have to go. Wendy gently retrieves her child from Piper's arms, and she and the others reluctantly leave. Piper is wracked with shuddering sobs. Naughty Dolt Ratched tells Piper that this life of two-dimensional butterflies and friends can be hers if she just recites that one small spell. He presses a pad of paper and a pen into her hands, telling her to write the relinquish down from memory. He kisses her on the head and returns to the sun porch as the White Flare obliterates them both.
Attic. Raige stands by the Book, which is open to facing pages entitled "Mind Link" and "To Break a Mind Link," respectively. Phoebe busies herself lighting a circle of candles on the floor. Raige is having second thoughts about the enterprise. "I have enough trouble being in my head, much less someone else's." Phoebe reassures her that their minds won't be in Piper's body, simply their consciousness. "Kind of like astral projection," she explains. Once they've completed their mission, they can use the "reversal" to get back out. She takes Raige's hand in her own, and the two kneel inside the circle of candles. They recite:
Life to Life and Mind to Mind
Our Spirits now will intertwine.
We meld our souls and journey to
The One whose thoughts we wish we knew.
Phoebe's eyes roll back into her head, and her body slumps to the floor. After a brief moment, Raige follows her to the carpet. Fortunately, neither collapses onto a burning candle. I'd just hate to see those stunning fashions go up in flames. By the way, because I like to be thorough for you people, the never-recited reversal reads as follows:
Life from Life and Mind from Mind
Our Spirits now we disentwine.
We part our souls and journey Home
To let our thoughts be on their own.
Just remember, kids, these gals are trained professionals. Do not try this at home.
The White Flare swallows the attic, and Phoebe and Raige materialize in the garden. "Butterflies" abound. Phoebe supposes the mind link worked. "Either that," Raige notes, as disgusted by the "insects" as I am, "or we're in Mary Poppins's head." They book over to Piper's wheelchair. Piper denies them thrice, much to their consternation. The Spource flings open the doors from the sun porch to clatter down the garden path. "You're too late," he sneers. "Her nightmare is about to end." Raige protectively crosses her arms before her as Phoebe slowly draws herself up to her full height. Piper zones on the morphine. Commercial.
The camera tracks up The Spource's torso as he orders the flunkies restraining Phoebe and Raige to "keep them here. I want them to witness this." For a brief, distracting moment, the WB "wild feed" appears on my television screen. From the discussion on the boards, WPIX in New York along with several other affiliates also featured the message at this point. Disgruntled viewers should dial (818) 972-0328 to complain. I wouldn't be surprised if that number has been disconnected by the time you read this. The Spource informs Phoebe and Raige that they are powerless here in Piper's mind. Raige tests this by summoning the pad of paper from Piper's lap. Nothing happens. The Spource does promise, however, that they will be able to experience pain, especially after Piper recites the relinquish three times. "Once for each of your powers." No, jackass. Once for each of the sisters. By my calculations, she'd have to recite it six times to cover molecular manipulation, premonition, levitation, orbing telekinesis, orbing, and healing. And that's ignoring whatever other Whitelighter powers Raige inherited from Sam the Butcher. Naughty Dolt Ratched emerges from the nuthouse to wheel Piper away from the other Ps. Phoebe mistakes him for the One True Dolt, and is mightily irked when he urges Piper to read the spell. Piper proceeds to follow his advice over the shouted objections of her sisters.
From whence they came,
Return them now,
Vanish the words,
Vanish our powers.
Piper's handwriting is surprisingly neat for one so hopped up on morphine. Also, her manicure is flawless. Are we certain this isn't Betty Ford? Not that I'd know if Betty Ford has beauticians on staff, but one would assume so, no? Anyway, oily Dolt Ratched and The Spource whisper into Piper's ears. Phoebe and Raige are still delusional, they claim. Piper's been cured. All she has to do is say the words two more times, and she'll be free. For the first time in a very long while, the scene shifts without the complicity of the White Flare. Down in Hell, the Dolt watches The Spource work his voodoo with increasing alarm. Cole remains lifeless on the floor, to the Dolt's great dismay. The Dolt takes action for once in his pathetic life. He orbs in between Skippy and his companion. "How ya doin'?" asks the Dolt, before orbing out again. Skippy, fooled by the Dolt's tricky ways, fires off a Bolt Of Death that nails his companion in the chest. The companion flames down to Filene's. The Dolt slams his fist into Skippy's head and darts over to Cole, shaking him awake. Cole flings an FBOD into Skippy, who joins his companion for name brands at drastically reduced prices. The Bint urges The Spource to finish quickly. "You're in danger," she pleads. The Dolt rushes towards Piper, batting the Bint into the wall as he goes. The Spource's deflector shield knocks the Dolt backwards across the chamber. Cole leaps to his feet and fires four FBODs into The Spource. The Bint gasps, horrified. The Spource shudders a bit with each impact, but does not break the mind meld with Piper. Dude. "Deflector shield"? "Mind meld"? When did I start recapping Enterprise? Jesus.
Noontime In The Garden Of Good And Evil. Piper has completed her second recitation of the spell. "One last time," The Spource encourages. Phoebe takes this opportunity to exercise her much-vaunted martial arts skills. She quickly disables the two flunkies restraining herself and Raige, and we cut back to Hell. Cole whips four more FBODs into The Spource with increasing ferocity as the Bint wails, "Break the connection or he'll kill you!" In The Garden Of Piper's Mind, The Spource hollers, "No!" Phoebe boots him to the grass. "I told you you were too. Late!" he spits from the ground. Not so. Cole hurls three more FBODs at The Spource. The last sends him skittering across the floor, breaking at last the mind meld. As Piper drops back down to the slab, The Spource, the flunkies, and Dolt Ratched vanish from the Garden. In Hell, The Spource unsteadily rises to his feet. Black goo gushes from the gaping wound in his side. He screams and blazes back into his usual cowled form. Using both hands, Cole conjures an FBOD the size of a beach ball and prepares to deal with The Source once and for all. The Bint darts in between Cole and The Source, taking The Flaming Beach Ball Of Death right in her alarmingly prominent boobies. Sayonara, Bint. The Source blazes away before Cole can conjure another FBBOD.
Garden Of The Nutjob. Piper gets halfway through the third recitation. Phoebe pleads with her not to relinquish their "gift." Over in Hell, the Dolt pulls a mind meld of his own on the wife and materializes on the garden path. He rushes over to Piper and applies the special Whitelighter tingly touch. Piper, who had been deep within the snake pit mere seconds before, snaps out of it completely. She receives confirmation that The Spource has retreated with, "Thank God, because that guy was freaking me out." Raige proposes that they "click [their] heels three times" and return to the Manor. That's fine by Piper, but unfortunately the "insects" make one more pass before the four can leave.
Manor. Piper races down the stairs from the attic and makes a circuit of the rooms on the main floor, reveling in the house's return to normal. Phoebe, Raige, Cole, and the Dolt eventually follow after her. Weekly Summation Time. Piper, having learned her Lesson, promises never to question her destiny again. She also admits that it was she who destroyed Raige's chair, not Spalding. Raige isn't as concerned about the chair as she is relieved to know she's not the only Glamorous Lady uncomfortable with being a witch from time to time. The Dolt notes that they won't have to concern themselves with The Source for a while, as Cole "hurt him pretty bad." As The Source is out of commission for the first time in a while, Phoebe wants to do it right there on the floor. Cole draws her into a clinch, and Julian McMahon, perhaps realizing how deeply stupid the line truly is, mangles his delivery of "Miss Halliwell, are you trying to seduce me?" Like Cole would be quoting The Graduate. Anyway, they race each other up the stairs to Phoebe's boudoir for some fornication. Raige, as disgusted by this crass display of hormones run amok as I am, bolts from the Manor, presumably to fetch some milk at the grocery store. Given her admitted habit of cruising the produce aisle for slutty young men, however, I wouldn't be surprised if we're introduced to a new slampiece week. Piper and the Dolt, alone at last, discuss their mutual desire for a normal life. Piper again admits that she'd like to start a family at some point. The Dolt decides they'd better get cracking on that right away. He lifts her into his arms and orbs her up through the chandelier to the Bridal Boudoir for some maritally sanctioned intercourse. Echoey laughter peals as we fade to black.