Why, hello there. Welcome to the second hour of the Charmed fourth-season premiere. My name is Demian, and I'll be your cruise director for this part of the evening. Just like I was your cruise director for the first part of the evening. Just like I was your cruise director for all of last season, and will be for all of this season. Rrrgh.
You know that thing I said about "comfort TV" in the last recap? Yeah, well, I take it back.
Anyway, as the second hour begins, we find ourselves back in Hell. The Smoked Bint reclines on her little altar, one hand on the Ball of Perversion, the other stroking her thigh. What a skank. The Source blazes into the foreground, and he's pissed. If you'll recall, the Smoked Bint promised that Rose McGowan's "future [would] be short-lived." Now that Fruma-Shax has been blown to bits by the Charmed Ones, the Bint would like to modify that earlier statement. Rose's "future appeared to be short-lived." She adds that "seeing into the future is not exact." So, the purpose of your existence would be…? Oh, right. Masturbation fodder for the seven heterosexual males in the viewing audience. The Source isn't having it. Now that Rose has hooked up with Piper and Phoebe to restore the Power of Three, "she'll be nearly unbeatable." Not so, claims the Bint. Doesn't The Source recall the agreement between good and evil reached centuries ago? The agreement establishing the forty-eight hour period after one's powers have been granted, during which a witch may choose either side? You know, to "protect free will"? The Source, of course, does not, as said agreement was not reached centuries ago. It was yanked out of Brad Kern's ass shortly before this scene was filmed. The Bint rises from her glowing altar to ooze her way to The Source's side. Adopting a pouty little tone of voice that barrels hell-bent towards Seductive but derails itself somewhere between Irritating and Offensive, she sing-songs a bit about Rose's current vulnerability. If The Source infiltrated Rose's daily life, read her soul, corrupted said soul, and seduced her to the Dark Side, she could very well end up a powerful force of evil. Mind you, he could still off her any time he chose. It's all up to him, you see. This is the sort of filthy talk The Source likes to hear. However, just to make sure she's knows who's boss in the underworld, he threatens her once more. "You better see into the future more clearly, Oracle, or your own future will be..." He pauses, draws a filthy blackened fingernail across her throat, then blazes out. Her own future will be -- what? Spent as OJ's wife?
Cross-fade to a hospital room. The camera pans across various monitoring equipment before settling on Shane, asleep in the bed. Number one, I thought they were going to release him right away, and number two, I'd mock his bedhead, but I think this boy considers bedhead to be a legitimate personal grooming choice. Shane's thrashing about a bit, as if he's having a nightmare. As he shudders into a slack-jawed state of alertness, a power surge plays havoc with the electronic equipment in the room. He staggers from the bed to his feet just as The Source blazes into the room. Again with the "What the hell?" Again with the "Yes, dear. Exactly." "Who are you?" Shane demands. "For now," growls The Source, "I am you." The Source merges into Shane, in a process that seems somewhat painful for Rose's furry boy toy. Did that sound filthy? I think that sounded filthy. Anyhoo, The Shource pulls himself erect (snerk), wearing an expression of menace he stole from Jack Nicholson. At that moment, Rose's pale, egg-shaped head pops into the window on the room's door. She enters all verklempt, telling The Shource, "Something awful just happened. I -- I can't explain." The Shource looks all innocent and supportive as he coos, "It's all right, honey. I'm here now." Well, duh you're there now. You've been there all night. She's been stomping around town in stiletto heels, blowing up dark demonic forces sent from the flaming maw of Hell, while you've been lying in bed fantasizing about the night nurse. So, yeah, I'll say it: Shut up, Shource. He pulls her into an embrace, gently stroking her hair as he soothes, "It's okay." On this line, The Shource's eyes roll back into his head, shifting quickly from white to blood red to black. Sometimes, the smallest touches are the coolest. His eyes look like shiny black beetles in his skull.
Manor, the following morning. In the kitchen, Piper applies an ice pack to the Dolt's sore neck, a souvenir from his run-in with Fruma-Shax the evening. Piper's having trouble wrapping her mind around the idea that the Dolt can heal innocents, but is useless when the injured party is himself. I'm certain he's useless in so many other ways as well, but let's keep this recap moving, shall we? Phoebe, entering from the hall, wonders how someone who is "technically dead" can "even get knocked out" in the first place. The Dolt: "Three years together, and now you're asking these questions?" I was wondering about that myself. Piper believes that "the more important question is, how does a Whitelighter get somebody knocked up?" Well, Piper, it's like this. No. No, I am so not going there. Ew. I'll just note that, in "Morality Bites," you saw a version of the future in which the Dolt himself had knocked you up, so why is this even an issue? Oh, yeah. Alyssa had Shannen fired, and now a team of crack-addled writers is desperately scrambling for ways to preserve the central conceit of the series. Sorry, I forgot that for a moment. Not. The three carry on in this vein for a bit, providing expository material from the episode we've just SEEN so that when this one hits syndication, the backstory for the events to follow will be in place. Eventually, they're interrupted by the doorbell. Piper snarks something about "[hoping] it's not another long-lost relative" before stomping out to answer the door.
Darryl enters and, without even greeting Piper, starts searching the premises for the Mummy, also known as "Inspector Cortez." More expository blather, saved only by the fact that Darryl actually wasn't present when Phoebe and Grams sent the Mummy to Nepal or wherever. The Dolt reassures Darryl that everything's fine; they sent Cole to retrieve him. Cleansing Burst Of Synchronicity, as Cole squiggles into the hallway at that moment. The boy's crouched down a bit and panting, and he doesn't return Phoebe's hello. We quickly discover the reason for this as a Demonic Bounty Hunter rays into the parlor. The DBH tosses a lightning bolt at Cole, Cole parries with a Flaming Ball Of Death, and the DBH sizzles his way down to Hell. Let's all say this bit with Cole, shall we? "Damn bounty hunters. They're like gnats." "Bounty hunters" this evening is like the secret phrase from PeeWee's Playhouse. I keep expecting the furniture to scream every time I hear it.
Darryl asks Cole for the Mummy's current location. Cole tells them all not to worry, as he's set the Mummy in "a place where he can't tell a soul what he saw." The Dolt cautiously asks, "Where'd you put him?" Cole shoots a quick glance down at the floor and shrugs. Feebs, bright of tone but not of brain: "In the basement?" Piper, clenched: "I think he means a little bit further down than that." Darryl blows a gasket, spluttering demands for explanations and so forth. Phoebe ushers him out the front door, telling him the Gang of Four will take care of everything. Piper turns to the Dolt to suggest that he "reason with" the Mummy. The hope continues to be that they can convince him to remain silent on the topic of the events of the evening. Cole frets for a moment about the possibility the Mummy will "expose" the sisters, which is misguided. If the unnecessary exposure of Piper and Phoebe concerns him, he should go after the costume designer. Anyway, Cole picked up on something else during his little visit to Hell. He heard gargoyles. Seems the carved beasties we see on cathedrals and such are normally in "a resting stage." When triple-E Eeevil threatens, however, they reanimate to warn of its presence. Cole supposes the howls of the gargoyles mean that The Source has "surfaced." They quickly deduce that The Source is after Rose. The Dolt still can't sense Rose's whereabouts, as she is new to the, uh, craft, or whatever, so the four must rely on the details Finola provided during her last visit in order to locate the new sister.
Cut to an apartment building on "Portero Avenue." There's no Portero Avenue in San Francisco. I checked. I think they just recycled the street sign from last season. Up in Chez Rose, The Shource regards Rose's pet parakeet, who does not appreciate the attention. At all. Rose natters at the bird for a bit, trying to calm it down, then turns to gather her belongings before heading out to her office. The Shource gives the parakeet one last dirty look, then asks, "So aren't you going to tell me what happened last night?" Rose nervously dismisses it all as "nothing." The Shource, whose bangs have been gelled straight up into the air for some reason, crosses to her, slyly trying to pry the details out of her. "Let me put it this way," Rose replies, "when I told you I wanted to find out who I was, I didn't want to find out I was a freak. Can we just talk about this later?" The Shource tries a different approach. "Hey," he slimes, "I never got a chance to thank you for taking such good care of me." Going by his tone of voice, that statement should have a "babe" tacked on the end. They move in to kiss each other, but the parakeet flutters out a warning. The Shource gets the exact same look of irritated enmity in his eyes that I do whenever I encounter pets and small children. "Oscar!" Rose chides, but the bird isn't having it. Rose assures The Shource that they can pick up where they left off when she returns from work that evening. As she rises to cross to the door, he waves his right hand behind her back. The hand glows, and from that, we are to assume he's just "read" her "soul." "I know how much you want to be at that placement hearing," he notes. Rose stops dead in her tracks. "How do you know about that?" she asks. He covers by inventing a conversation they never had. "A little boy, abusive dad" go the details. "You said nothing gets under your skin more than that." Rose clearly doesn't remember the discussion, but as the specifics are spot-on, she just nods her head in agreement. She invites The Shource to join her for lunch, and tells him to make himself at home in her apartment. He agrees to meet that afternoon. Once she's left, he turns to stalk over to the parakeet. The beetle eyes flip into place, and the parakeet vanishes in a veil of flame. Smell ya later, Oscar. With the bird's perch still smoldering, The Shource blazes out of the apartment.
Meanwhile, down in Hell, the Mummy screams and wails and moans and whines. Cole left him on a tiny outcropping of rock, halfway down a vast well that ends in a lake of fire. I heart Cole. The Dolt and Cole orb and squiggle, respectively, onto an adjacent shelf. The Mummy screams some more, ordering the pair to stay away from him. "We're here to save you," quoth the Dolt. "You're the ones who put me here!" shouts the Mummy. "No, no," says Cole, the soul of modesty. "That was just me." Snerk. Cole asks the Mummy if he's reconsidered his plan to out the gals. The Mummy asserts that only his death will prevent him from carrying on as earlier promised. The Dolt tries to make the Mummy understand that hurting the Ps promotes the cause of Eeevil in the world, but the Mummy just snorts derisively in response. Cole lays it on the line for the Dolt. If they return the Mummy to the world above, Phoebe and Piper are lost forever. The Dolt apparently believes there are still other options. He instructs the Mummy to take his hand. The Mummy refuses. The Dolt says, "Where else can I take you that's worse than this?" I can think of a couple of locations, but I don't think any of you want to hear about Chicago leather bars. The Mummy grips the Dolt's outstretched fingers, and the two orb away. Cole pauses for a moment to sigh in despair, then squiggles out after them.
South Bay Social Services. How do I know this? It says so in black letters three feet high over the entrance, so that even the visually impaired in the audience can read it. Inside, Rose is chatting on the phone with her uncle. After inquiring as to the condition of her aunt's artificial hip, she darts her eyes over to the front desk. A gentlemen my friend Dan would call "not bad for a dad" approaches the receptionist to note that Jake and Carol Grisanti have arrived for their appointment. This must be the child abuser. Or. Is. He? Jake then turns to his wife to snap that he has to go to the can. Carol hangs her home-permed head in shame. Cut back to Rose, who shoots Jake a look that would scorch paint off the wall.
The Can. Jake approaches a sink to splash water onto his face. As he bends towards the basin, the fluorescents dim suddenly, then flicker back up. The Shource is in the house and is ready to par-tay! Jake catches sight of him in the mirror and turns to snarl, "Whadda you want?" The Source shoves a spectral claw out of Shane's chest, then emerges fully to tower over Jake as Shane's limp body drops to the tiled floor behind him. Jake freaks. The Source worms his way into Jake's body, and I'm sorry if that sounds naughty, but there's no other way to describe it. The Jource shudders a bit, then rises to study his reflection in the mirror. The beetle eyes roll in for a moment, and The Jource turns to stride out of the bathroom.
Out in her cubicle, Rose finally gets to the point of her phone call. She asks her uncle if he and her aunt still attend services at the church in which she was abandoned. They do. Is a penguin by the name of Sister Agnes still in residence? She is. "Uncle Dave" asks Rose if she's spoken with the nun. Rose concedes that she hasn't, but allows that certain unspecified recent events have made a meet-and-greet desirable. Rose spots The Jource and Carol making their way into a conference room, and cuts her call short. Rose jumps to her feet and proceeds to get all up in her boss's face. He informs her that her services will not be required at the meeting. She tells him he "can't let that kid go home with that jerk." The boss brusquely reminds Rose that one, they have no proof the father is abusing his son, and two, she's nothing more than a glorified secretary, so she can't sit in on the meeting. Rose pouts, and the boss slams the conference room door in her face. She clomps over to one of the room's windows to stare down The Jource before the blinds are closed. Rose rolls her eyes in barely-suppressed rage.
Manor. Boudoir of Death. Piper enters from the hallway with the yellow pages to find Phoebe standing silently by a sofa, staring down at a slut top of Prue's she holds in her hands. "Do you remember the time I borrowed this without asking?" she asks. "The time my boyfriend's cat peed on it?" Overshare, table for one. This leads to the scene I shall entitle "Phoebe's Breakdown." For specific content, kindly reference the numerous examples of Piper breaking down in the last episode, but diminish the acting ability. Prue was the big sister and the strongest and the best and what are they gonna do without her and wah wah cry me a river. The result of all this blubbering is that Piper and Phoebe emerge with an even stronger resolve to protect Rose from The Source.
SOUTH BAY SOCIAL SERVICES. Rose paces impatiently outside the conference room. At last, her boss emerges to give her what she takes as bad news. No decision has been reached regarding the disposition of the case as of yet, and the child in question will return home with his parents for another evening. Rose blithers about the signs of abuse detailed in the police report and the counselor's recommendation to remove the child from the home, but her boss tells her to cram it. The Jource was "very persuasive" in the meeting, and while Rose is being overly strident in a manner that bespeaks a hastily and shoddily constructed contrivance of both character and plot, I do have to wonder why her moron of a boss is releasing the kid to his parents for another day. Anyway, Carol and The Jource pop out of the conference room. He turns to Rose, who's been giving him a bit of the old stink-eye, and snorts, "You gotta problem, lady?" "Yeah, I have a problem," she retorts. "I have a problem with people who beat their kids." The Jource leans into her and leers provocatively, "I can do whatever I want, and there's nothing you can do about it." He straightens up, still glaring icily at her, then turns to leave with the wife. Rose is so mad she could just spit! She spins on her heel, stomps over to her desk, snatches up her purse, and storms out of the office. When asked where she thinks she's going, she snarls, "Church."
The Can. The Jource enters to find an elderly gentleman kneeling over the unconscious form of Shane. "Can you give me a hand?" he asks. "I think he must have slipped." The beetle eyes roll into place, and The Jource sends the gent screaming on his fiery way down to Hell. Or wherever. I have no idea where the innocent bystanders get sent on this show. Probably to the unemployment office. Anyway, The Source claws his way out of Jake to worm his way back into Shane. The Shource shudders straight to his feet from the floor, in what is clearly the effects team running the film backwards. You can tell by the way his clothing rearranges itself once he's standing. Worst effect thus far this evening.
Back from the break, we get an overhead shot of Rose trundling towards a church. Rather than following her in, the camera pans quickly upwards to a dog-like gargoyle. Inside, Rose slowly makes her way down the main aisle, pausing briefly to eye a mosaic Pieta on the wall. She approaches the elaborate altar, but veers off to the side of the chancel when she spots a penguin futzing with some candles. "Are you Sister Agnes?" she asks. She is indeed, and she has an enormous gap between her front teeth. Penguin GapTooth: "And who might you be?" Rose introduces herself as "Paige Matthews," and wonders if the good penguin can recall the events of August 2, 1977. Penguin GapTooth certainly does, and gets a little emotional about it. "Oh, dear Lord," she gasps.
Cut to that little area where the priests and the altar boys prep for Mass. I can never remember what the official name is, as I've always referred to it as a locker room. Anyway, Penguin GapTooth retrieves a small wooden box from an oak chest as she begins her story. "I was just about your age when they came," which I find hard to believe because the actress looks to be in her early thirties. I know convents like to recruit postulants when they're young, but I think the practice of shipping off nine-year-old girls to become brides of Christ went out a couple of hundred years ago. Penguin GapTooth continues, still awed by what she saw that day, "They came in a swirl of bright, white lights, just like angels." "White lights?" Rose repeats, confused. Penguin GapTooth confirms this. "They" were holding Rose in their arms, and impressed upon the good sister that the infant was "in great danger." We all know who "They" are, right? Good. So, Sam and Finola told the nun that they had to give Rose away for her own protection. The nun didn't get many details, but could tell "by the sorrow in their eyes" that whatever Rose was up against was terrifying. I know, I know. Sam and Finola would have been the ones in the shithouse for fornicating as they did, and The Powers That Be in all likelihood would have left Rose alone. Just go with it. Blather about placing Rose with a good family and keeping the secret until Rose came to ask about it. The penguin starts creeping me out as she tells Rose with the glazed fervor of the crazed righteous, "No matter how precious your adoptive parents are to you, you still come from angels." Wiggins. Seriously. Anyway, Penguin GapTooth eases a baby blanket out of the box. She reveals that Finola and Sam had swaddled Rose in it twenty-four years ago, and asked her to keep it until their daughter returned for it. There's a large P embroidered on it, which for reasons that should be obvious brings to mind Penny Pingleton being positively, permanently punished. Penguin GapTooth notes that Finola requested Rose be given a name that began with P. There's no way a Catholic nun would receive such instruction and name the kid Paige. Paula? Yes. Patricia? Highly likely. Philomena? I'll buy that, especially from a nun as devout as Penguin GapTooth here. Paige? No way in hell, bucky.
Piper and Phoebe barrel into the locker room at that point. Piper hastily freezes Penguin GapTooth, and the two scuttle to Rose's side. "We have to get you out of here," Phoebe insists. "What did you do to her?" Rose asks, crinkling her nose in disgust. "Froze her," is the response. "Actually, we're lucky I didn't blow her up," Piper adds. "My powers have been a little off lately." Piper and Phoebe notice the embroidery on the blanket and reach to touch it. Rose snatches it away from them with "Mine!" and rockets out of the locker room. Piper and Phoebe give chase, with Piper threatening to freeze Rose if she doesn't stop. She can't freeze Rose, of course, but Rose doesn't know that. Rose calls over her shoulder for the two to leave her alone. Phoebe babbles about having gone through the same sort of denial period when she first found out she was a witch, but this line of reasoning doesn't work. Rose continues on her way out of the sanctuary as Piper urges from behind, "You have to trust us." "Trust you?" Rose sneers. "You just froze a nun. How do I know you're not the bad guys?" Phoebe manages to get Rose to stop when she calls out, "You have a magical power, you know!" Rose makes "prove it" noises. Phoebe and Piper fill her in on the Charmed Ones prophecy, specifically the bit about telekinesis. "You concentrate on an object -- like that candle over there," Phoebe suggests, "then you just wave your arm at it." Rose looks like most of her believes this to be crap, but gives it a try regardless. Nothing happens. Piper suggests she squint her eyes, as was Prue's wont. Squint. Arm flap. Nothing. "Well, maybe I'm not one of you if I can't even make that candle --" Rose starts in a snitty tone of embarrassment and irritation, gesturing towards the object in question. With the requisite heightened emotion in play, the candle immediately orbs from its stand into Rose's open palm. Rose gapes. Actually, they all gape, but Rose's jaw is the one that hits the floor. "Perhaps the Whitelighter in her makes it work differently," Phoebe guesses. Piper deadpans, "Half-breed." Snerk.
Outside, The Shource blazes in on the walkway outside and heads for the church door, muttering an aside to the unseen Smoked Bint, whose disembodied voice actually responds. As he approaches the church, the gargoyle above the door howls into life, wagging its head and tongue around while screeching. The Shource drops to the flagstones, roaring, "No!" Inside, Rose starts at the noise; Piper and Phoebe glance uneasily at each other. The Shource, unable to enter the sanctuary of his own volition, TKs the doors open and innocently bleats, "Paige?" Rose hears Shane's voice and rushes outdoors to his side. He lies that "something's after [him]," and the two turn to bolt. Phoebe and Piper quickly realize something's not right, and scuttle after them. The Shource swings his gaze at them and forcefully flings them backwards with a shot of electricity from his beetle eyes. The two gals slide on their backs all the way down the main aisle, coming to rest at the foot of the altar. "What. The hell. Was that?" shudders Piper. Yes, Piper. Exactly. "Good question," calls Penguin GapTooth, as she emerges from the locker room. She sternly folds her arms to glare at them, while Alyssa in her baby-blue tank top pretends she's posing for another FHM cover shoot. Piper's all "Oops!" and the penguin's all "Busted!"
Cut to a glaring continuity error. An establishing shot of a police station indicates that it's the middle of the night, rather than midmorning. Inside, the Mummy hustles over to his desk, followed by Cole and the Dolt. Cole continues to threaten, but the Mummy's ignoring him. As Darryl approaches, the Mummy snatches up his phone and orders that Halliwell Manor be placed under twenty-four-hour surveillance. While this is going on, Piper rings the Dolt's bell. Cole makes one last menacing threat before exiting with the Dolt. Darryl tries to reason with the Mummy. The Mummy gets shirty. Darryl tosses the Mummy up against the wall and shouts something about how good the Glamorous Ladies of Halliwell Manor are. I pop my jaw yawning. Eventually, some random cops pull Darryl off the Mummy, and the scene ends.
Manor. Again, it's the middle of the night, which leads me to believe we lost a couple of scenes somewhere along the way here. On the sun porch, Piper, Phoebe, Cole, and the Dolt puzzle over the incident at the church. Together, Cole and the Dolt eventually figure out that The Source is taking advantage of "the mythological forty-eight-hour window of" Brad Kern yanking this out of his ass to lure Rose to the Dark Side. Piper: "Who makes up these cockamamie rules?" She glances at the Dolt, who shrugs and looks up. She shoots her gaze at Cole, who shrugs and looks down. Snicker.
Chez Rose. The Last Temptation of Paige continues apace. The Shource assures her that everything will be all right as long as she remains with him. As the camera circles them on the couch, the shot eases into "eerie" slow motion as The Shource gets lost in an echo chamber while smarming, "I'll take care of you-ou-ou-ou." Commercial.
Manor attic. The Gang of Four bickers about the best course of action. Cole wants to sic Belthazor on the Mummy's ass, but the Dolt counsels patience. Phoebe and Piper can't find anything of use in the Book of Shadows. Phoebe slams the Book shut, calling out for help. The Invisible Spectral Presence of Grams flips the BoS open to an enchantment spell, which reads as follows:
Speak these words to Enchant an Object:
Magic forces far and wide
Enchant these so those can't hide
Allow this witch to use therein
So she can reveal the Evil within
They really do just wing it with this whole rhyming thing, don't they? That one totally doesn't scan. Piper correctly supposes that the spell is to be used not to locate Rose, but to unmask The Source. When Phoebe whines about having no idea where The Source is, Cole reveals he and all of his dark demonic brethren can sense The Source's "aura." The only problem with this is that to do so, Cole would have to reveal his own presence to The Source. They decide they have no other choice. Phoebe selects a pair of novelty sunglasses as the object of the enchantment, much to Piper's irritation. The two women hold the glasses between them and recite the spell. The novelty frames glow. To test them, Phoebe dons them and trains her gaze on the Dolt. He appears as he always does -- that being, of course, a flannel-clad frat-boy jackass. Cole suggests that Phoebe try them on him instead. She shrieks at the sight. Through the "enchanted" lenses, she sees, of course, Belthazor. There's a Phoebe POV of Belthazor approaching her while speaking in Cole's voice that is sort of cool; then Phoebe thanks the ISP of Grams for the BoS assist. Piper reminds her that it might not have been Grams, and every time I've seen this, I've always initially thought she meant it might have been the ISP of Finola. It takes all twenty seconds of the various reaction shots to make me remember that Shannen Doherty was on this show at one point, and that Piper could be referencing the ISP of Prue.
Chez Rose. The lady showers. The lady towel dries. The lady steps to the steamed-over mirror. The Shource decides that this would be an opportune moment to mess with her head. At first, his disembodied voice speaks to her, gliding in tone from Shane's register to The Source's and back again. Then The Shource materializes behind her, apparently naked, which I must admit I have no problem with at all in spite of the bedhead. He continues to address her, staring into her eyes via their shared reflection in the mirror. The content of the Satanic pep talk runs along the lines of Rose finally understanding her true nature, and that her "destiny" is not with her "sister witches," but to take advantage of her newfound abilities to promote her own causes. The Shource waves his hand over the mirror, and an image of Jake, the alleged child beater, appears, repeating his threats from the aftermath of the custody hearing. There's a reaction shot of Rose and The Shource, and from it, one can understand what Leslie Grossman was talking about in her second interview with Gustave about "eye lines" getting screwed up. Rose McGowan is staring straight ahead while Jordan Bridges is gazing off to a point at their left. Anyway, The Shource urges Rose to exact "[her] own revenge" on Jake, to "call for his heart" and "call for his life." Ew. Like, orb the guy's heart out of his body? There's got to be a neater way to go about this. She could get bloodstains on her blouse. The Shource vanishes. Rose, entranced, extends her arm towards the mirror, which shatters outwards from its frame. Second most crappy effect of the evening is the shot of the glass flying around, but not slicing through, Rose's head and neck.
SOUTH BAY SOCIAL SERVICES. Jake storms out of the second custody meeting, followed closely by a visibly-distraught Carol. Rose's boss watches them go, then heads towards his own office, passing the zombie-like Rose as he does so. Zombie Rose rises to follow Jake out of the building, under the malevolent eye of The Shource. Once outside, we get a good look at her outfit. Someone needs to drag the costumer to The Hague for crimes against humanity. Her braless tits are slung into a blue suede button-down vest over a pair of black, flared, rayon hip huggers that are slit at the ankle. She stops on the sidewalk, extends her hand, and demands, "Heart." Further down the walk, Jake clutches his chest and collapses. Home-Perm Carol screams.
Cleansing Burst Of Synchronicity, as the Gang of Four swings into the parking lot at that moment in the Halliwell SUV. They spot Rose quickly, and through the "enchanted" sunglasses, Phoebe espies what she describes as "a black aura" twisting around Rose's body. They run to her side, attempting to talk her down. Her response is to intone lethally, "He's evil. He's hurting his child." Piper pushes her into the arms of the Dolt, ordering him to orb her back to the Manor. He does so. Jake's agonies halt immediately. Cole corrals the gals into the SUV as Jake rises to his feet. His first words to his wife are, "I'm not covering for you anymore, Carol. You keep your hands off our son." DUN! See what they did there? I mean the bit about setting Jake up as the beater when it was really Carol, not the implication that it would have been perfectly acceptable for Rose to yank the bloody, beating heart out of an actual criminal. Over at the car, Cole volunteers to remain at the SOUTH BAY SOCIAL SERVICES center to ensure that The Source doesn't follow them back to the Manor, and no, this doesn't make sense at all given that The Source already knows where they live and can blaze on over any time he gets the urge, but we really do just have to go with this shit, because otherwise I'll never get this damn recap done. Meanwhile, The Shource emerges from the office building all "Curses, foiled again" until he picks up the Colethazor's scent. Grinning like Anthony Perkins at the end of Psycho, he zips his way over to lurk right behind Cole, then blazes out just as Cole turns to look at him. Cole determines The Shource's new location and squiggles on over, right into a trap. As he approaches The Shource from behind, The Shource whips around to drive a two-foot blade through Cole's stomach. Cole drops to his knees. They always drop to their damn knees. I wonder what the kneepad budget is on this show. I wonder how much of that is spent on Alyssa, if you know what I mean, and I think you do. Ba-dump-bump. Anyway, The Shource waves a glowy hand around Cole's shoulder, presumably to ensure a lingering death from a wound so severe. The Shource, you see, wants Phoebe to witness Cole's dying breath so that she can feel the pain of losing a loved one twice in one week. Whatever. The Shource stalks away from Cole, calling for the Bint to locate Rose "one last time" before blazing his way into the commercial break.
Manor hall. Phoebe and Piper come a-clomping through the front door to find Zombie Rose using her newfound power to throw various sharp and/or blunt objects at the Dolt. Atta girl. The one detail that bugs is that she must say the name of the object first. This is going to get very tiresome, very fast, so I do hope said detail disappears quickly. Zombie Rose is convinced she's evil. The three are forced to wrestle her to the ground, where Phoebe and the Dolt hold her as Piper runs towards the stairs to pull an exorcism from the BoS. Before she hits the first set of steps, the lights throughout the Manor darken for a brief moment, heralding the arrival of The Shource. The beetle eyes roll into place, and he TKs Piper up a flight of stairs through the balustrade. He shoots another laser at Phoebe, but she levitates above it and moves to kick him in the head. He blazes out of her way, and she ends up vanquishing a cabinet, which then falls on her. From the landing, Piper blows The Shource up, but it's merely a temporary measure to allow them to regroup, as The Shource quickly reconstitutes himself. The Shource compliments the gals on the strength of their powers, but wonders if "they're enough, without the Power of Three." Hearing her boy toy speak in such manner puts Rose on edge, so The Shource switches into Shane's register, promising her eternal safety if she leaves the manor with him. Piper claims he's lying, and the Dolt reminds The Shource that Rose is still within the Mythological Forty-Eight-Hour Window Of Brad Kern Yanking This Out Of His Ass. The Shource counters that Rose has already chosen. To prove this, he begins to blaze into the forms of various other people from her life, each of them reminding her of the power she now possesses to exact revenge on all those she perceives to be evildoers. The last form The Shource takes is that of the child at the center of the abuse case, and I have to admit I'd be smacking the smug little bastard around myself. Rose, for some reason, is mesmerized by the sight of her boyfriend shape-shifting into her boss, a client, and an abused child, and takes the little blond monster's hand to be led down to Hell. Phoebe attempts to intervene. The beetle eyes flip into the little monster's head, and he sends Phoebe into the air, where she's suspended by a whirling coil of electrical energy. Rose takes one look at Phoebe's anguish and knocks the little blond monster to the floor.
Phoebe immediately drops, and Piper, Rose, and the Dolt rush to get her on her feet. The little monster blazes out into The Shource, who then pops to his own feet via that little reversing-the-film thing that worked so well before. Not. At this point, the WGN feed lost the picture for a moment, but from the sound of things, The Source clawed his way out of Shane's body. When the picture reappears, The Source is standing in front of the much-abused grandfather clock, which is chiming midnight. The Source vows to "break the Charmed Ones" again in the future as he did in the past, and notes that his mission wasn't a complete failure "thanks to Belthazor." Before they can find out what he means by all that, the Mummy enters the Manor unannounced, video camera in hand. The Source, much to my delight, flings the Mummy up and back against the wall, impaling him on a coat hook. See? The Source of All Evil isn't so bad, after all. The Mummy dangles from the hook for a moment before falling onto the carpet, leaving behind a surprising amount of gore. The Source blazes back to Hell. The Charmed and the Dolt run to the Mummy's side. Once there, the Dolt applies the special Whitelighter tingly touch to the gaping wound in the Mummy's back. Though we don't see it, I'm certain the Dolt has healed the various layers of clothing as well. The Charmed and the Dolt then flee the Manor in search of Cole, leaving the Mummy to shudder and gasp and check to make sure he got everything on tape.
SOUTH BAY SOCIAL SERVICES. Cole lies mortally wounded yet conscious on the ground, despite the fact that it's now midnight, which means he's been there at least six hours because it was daylight when The Shource ran him through with the sword and there had to have been hundreds of people passing by since six in the evening and whatever, I'm going to finish this damn recap if it kills me. Which it might. Phoebe cuddles Cole's head in her lap. Piper takes stock of the severity of the situation and immediately freezes Cole before he can lose more blood. Phoebe orders the Dolt to heal him. The Dolt claims that "it's against the rules," like, shut up, Dolt. You did it before, you can do it again. Phoebe's all, "Screw the rules. The Elders owe us." The Dolt claims he can heal only Cole's human half, and again, shut up, Dolt. You did that before too and it worked, so just get to it already. Rose steps up to the plate to suggest that the half of her that is Whitelighter might "offset" the half of Cole that is demon and yes, that makes -- in total -- zero sense, but again with the needing to get through this before I die. Rose and the Dolt join hands, and their combined tingly touch heals the wound and knits up Cole's sweater. Rose decides she likes how it feels when she uses her powers to help those in need. Someone shoot me in the head to end the pain.
Police station. The Mummy enters with his video camera. He eyes Darryl. He eyes the captain. He eyes Darryl again. He s l o w l y approaches Darryl and e v e n t u a l l y hands over the videocassette. No mere words, but rather Searching Gazes Fraught With Significance, are exchanged. The Mummy leaves. Hopefully for good.
P3 After Dark. Throngs of dot-bomb yuppies throng the entranceway. Inside and downstairs, it's Weekly Summation Time, and wow, do they have a lot to cover. Seated around a low coffee table, Piper, Phoebe, Cole, and the Dolt toast each other. Phoebe joins in, despite the fact that she's sipping from a Perrier bottle and everyone knows toasting with water is bad luck. Piper's a study in blue. "We barely got through with the funeral before everything started going crazy," she notes. "It's almost as if we didn't get a chance to mourn." Of course you didn't get a chance to mourn. Mourning would be incredibly boring to watch for two hours. Phoebe suggests they "have the rest of [their] lives to mourn," which I interpret as a promise for more Scenes Of Breakdown in the near future. Rose pops in to say hey, jovially wondering if she gets free drinks now that she's related to the owner. First question I'd ask. In the current mood, however, her joking question is met with an awkward silence. She apologizes and makes to leave. The Dolt stops her, insisting she remain. Phoebe makes room for her on the sofa, and Cole and the Dolt make themselves scarce so the three can bond.
Long bonding short, Shane dumped Rose, and the only thing she appears to have in common with Piper and Phoebe at this point in their relationship is a shared sense of loss at Prue's death. Rose voices this sense in such a touching manner, Piper and Phoebe decide to drag her back to the house to "show [her] what good magic can do." Up in the attic, they arrange the large blue candles in a circle on the floor; then Phoebe and Piper recite the summoning spell used twice in the first half of this episode. Swirling Cloud Of Glowing Golf Balls, and it's Finola! Hi, Finola. Introductions are made. Finola the Spirit becomes Finola Incarnate and pulls Rose into a long, strong embrace. Rose gets a little emotional. Finola steps back, clasps Rose's hands in her own, and stresses, "Welcome home." Piper and Phoebe get a little emotional. Finola pulls Rose into another embrace, stroking her hair while flashing that rack of teeth at the camera. The last shot is of Rose in her dead mother's arms, moving through a little emotional into full-on verklempt as tears roll down her cheeks and I remain unmoved and we all fade to black.
I'd like to tell you what to expect week on Charmed, but the WGN news cut into the WB feed before we got to the previews in Chicago. I've heard it has something to do with breasts. Go figure.