First off, because I've yet to have a chance to thank him for it here, big props to Big Gay Al. This lovely gentleman procured -- for free -- the laptop upon which I now type. I owe you big time, pal.
As a sign of how drastically altered the times in which we find ourselves have become, the fourth-season opener of this show begins with three words I never thought I'd hear: "Previously, on Charmed." For those of you emerging from a three-year-long coma, here's the scoop: The Dolt wooed, did, healed, did, married, and did Piper. The Colethazor met, then attempted to kill, then became intimately acquainted with Phoebe's tongue. Alyssa Milano told Shannen Doherty she was a drunk piece of white trash, and added that the biggest, bestest fans of the show hated Prue and loved Phoebe. Shannen told Alyssa she was a brainless, no-talent slut, and added she didn't give a good goddamn what a bunch of twelve-year-olds thought. Alyssa told her mother to tell her agent to tell Aaron Spelling that Shannen was being mean, and that she'd quit the show if Aaron didn't fire Shannen. Aaron, still on his game despite the fact he's getting on in years and ill, cannily waited until Shannen finished directing last season's final episode, then rather unceremoniously sacked her ass. The alarmingly pale Rose McGowan found herself joining the cast as a heretofore unheard of fourth sister, and Brad Kern busied himself digitally blurring and otherwise editing Shannen out of all earlier footage recycled for this season's premiere. You got all of that? Good.
Halliwell Manor. Attic. The camera slowly pans through the darkened room to settle upon Piper. Struggling to speak through tears, she recites, "In this night and in this hour, I call upon the ancient power -- bring back my sister. Bring back the Power of Three." Nothing happens, because Shannen was fired. Just in case you forgot that little detail. Piper rolls her eyes heavenward in frustration and flips through the Book of Shadows. She lands on a page entitled "To Call a Lost Witch." There are some instructions about grinding up rosemary, cypress, and taro root in a "Silver Mortar" while chanting, which Piper proceeds to follow. "Power of the witches rise," she intones. "Course unseen across the skies. Come to us who call you near. Come to us and settle here." She then lifts a frighteningly sharp dagger to her left hand and draws the point across a fingertip. "Blood to blood, I summon thee," she continues, squeezing a few drops out into the "mortar," which actually looks more like a Beaux-Arts ashtray. "Blood to blood, return to me." A nearby candle gutters, but nothing else happens. Yet. So tricky with the writing are the ladies and gentlemen of Spelling Productions. Not.
Piper wipes away a stray tear as Phoebe calls her name from downstairs. For a moment Piper foolishly believes Prue has returned and rises up a bit, then slumps back into her seat, defeated. Phoebe enters the attic and crosses to her with concern. "What are you doing?" she asks gently. "It's four o'clock in the morning." To the credit of both Holly Marie Combs and the make-up artist, Piper looks realistically haggard. Her eyes are swollen and red, and her skin's a bit blotchy. Phoebe notes the cut on Piper's finger and moves to wrap it in a white cloth. Piper distractedly mutters something about not understanding why magic can't help the gals out in the current situation. "It's not like we haven't cheated death before," she snuffles. By way of explaining why Piper survived the season-ending attack by Fruma-Shax on herself and Prue, Phoebe replies coolly, "Leo can't heal the dead." So, apparently, we are to believe that the Dolt was not able to return from Hell in time to apply the special Whitelighter tingly touch to both affected sisters. Whatever. Alyssa had Shannen fired. That's all you really need to know. Piper carries on about mysterious "other magic" that should be working, but isn't. Rising a bit unsteadily to her feet while slamming the BoS shut, she babbles, "It's like the Book deserted us and deserted Prue and I don't. Understand. Why!" This last word is delivered as a near-howl of frustrated anguish, and I would have gotten a bit moist had not near-howls of frustrated anguish become so distressingly commonplace in recent days. Phoebe chokes up a bit and splutters, "We lost our sister. How can we ever understand that?" Piper dissolves into sobs and collapses into Phoebe's embrace. Over Piper's shoulder, Phoebe continues, "I just thank God I didn't lose you, too." Phoebe kisses Piper's forehead as she pulls out of the hug. "We have to get some rest," she urges. "Prue would never forgive us if we looked bad at her funeral." Piper allows a brief smirk of wry-yet-damp assent at that statement, and the two shuffle out of the attic. The camera pans down past their retreating forms to the BoS.
The triquatra embossed on the cover glows up red and gold, and the Invisible Spectral Presence of Grams flips the Book open to the last page Piper had been using. The shot pulls in tight on the "To Call a Lost Witch" bit, then cuts to Rose McGowan, perched in an office cubicle, attired in a high-necked lace blouse that is nearly as white as her skin. Why is Rose working at four o'clock in the morning? Don't bother asking, because you won't get an answer that makes sense. If you want a plausible explanation, I'll give you one. Piper's middle-of-the-night spell took a little while to work, much as Phoebe's did in the series premiere. Rose's cubicle is a bit cluttered, and she has one of those Garfields with sucker paws mashed up against one of the clear panels that surround her on three sides. Strike one against Rose. The camera circles around, catching her through the clear panels as she pulls herself closer to her monitor. "Printing," she calls out over her shoulder, as we discover she also has a soft spot for bonsai and paisley shawls. A scented candle she has lit over her monitor "mysteriously" snuffs out of its own accord. Rose pulls a "Whuh?" face at that, then chooses to ignore it. As she rises and turns to head over to the printer, a none-too-subtle Swirling Cloud Of Glowing Golf Balls appears in the air behind her back. The cloud drops a section of the newspaper to the floor, then disappears. Rose starts a bit at the rustling sound of newsprint and retrieves the section from the floor. It's none-too-subtly open to the obituaries. Prue's death notice is rather prominently placed above the fold as a full-on news item. This, of course, makes no sense, as she was an obscure freelance photographer and not a prominent member of either San Francisco society or the business community. Say it with me: Whatever.
Rose scans the obit as a voice in the background answers a phone with "Bay Area Social Services." For those of you interested in such details, Prue's date of birth is given as "October 28, 1970" and her date of death is noted as "Thursday." The other details contained in the text, such as relatives and education and whatnot, are already known. Rose's tubby, bald boss stomps out of his office in the background, bellowing, "Paige! Have you found that study yet?" Paige -- for that indeed is Rose's unfortunate name in the show -- absent-mindedly replies, "It's in the printer," as she grabs a hideous ruffled white jacket from a post. "I've gotta go," she announces, and flounces out of the office. "Go? Go where?" her boss shouts indignantly at her back. She doesn't respond, and the shot cuts to her denim-skirted ass jiggling towards the door as her boss repeatedly yowls, "Paige! Paige!" Said jiggly ass is so fired.
Credits. The credits themselves are abrupt and off-putting. A jangly guitar whines out a couple of dissonant chords as the show's title appears over a glowy triquatra. I do hope they're back to something resembling normal by week. I've grown disturbingly fond of "How Soon Is Now?" and I need my comfort TV. Oh, Christ. Did I just call this show "comfort TV"? It's time for Paxil, people.
Auugh! It's Stevie. Fucking. Nicks. The cokehead freak warbles something about "missing you" on the soundtrack as we get the obligatory "Morning in San Francisco" travelogue under the real opening credits. Much to the delight of the gang on the forum boards, while Alyssa's name now appears first, Holly Marie Combs gets the coveted "and" spot at the end of the list. We finally hit the Manor and head inside, where Phoebe is trying to find space for yet another floral tribute in the hall. Floral tributes are so Princess Diana and Columbine. Can't these people donate money to an appropriate Wiccan charity organization instead? Phoebe crosses into the parlor to ask Victor "Big Daddy" Bennett if she can get him anything. From his somber slump in an overstuffed easy chair, he tells her he's fine. She heads back into the hallway to futz with some more plants. Enter the Dolt, who emerges from the kitchen with the Colethazor in tow. "Look who's back," he announces brightly. Phoebe clomps over to hug Cole while breathily intoning his name in that irritating way of hers. Seems Cole's been hiding out since the events of the cliff-hanging finale, as The Source has set "every demonic bounty hunter" he can find on Cole's tantalizing ass. Get used to the phrase "demonic bounty hunter," by the way, as Brad Kern has seen fit to shove it in Cole's mouth this evening whenever he can't come up with something else for the guy to say. Also, get used to the phrase "tantalizing ass," for his ass is indeed a thing of beauty. Phoebe's glad Cole will be able to attend Prue's funeral, but he tells her he can't. He doesn't want to run the risk of those demonic bounty hunters ruining all the fun. Phoebe insists that the remaining Halliwells can protect him. Cole and the Dolt needlessly remind her and the rest of us that without Prue and the Power of Three, Phoebe and Piper are for all intents and purposes useless. Phoebe's not having that, and tells Cole he needs to be there for her sake.
All of this non-touching blather is cut short by the appearance of Detective Darryl Morris at the manor door. Phoebe thanks him for coming. Darryl tells her that the department has assigned a different inspector to investigate Prue's "case." The Dolt wonders why an investigation is necessary. Darryl duhs that "Prue and a prominent doctor were murdered. People want answers." Oh, yeah. The "prominent doctor." If I cared about him, I'd look up his name. Anyway, moving on: The new inspector is some kind of Energizer Bunny of the department, and Darryl's worried that he might end up exposing the remaining Ps as witches. Cole's not terribly concerned, but the Dolt is, as this plot point was beaten to death last season. Along with Prue. Heh. Big Daddy, meanwhile, has emerged from the parlor to take offense at the tone of the conversation. "Do you people mind?" he demands. "We're burying my daughter today. Can't this wait?" Um, Big Daddy? Now, I realize I just started watching this show last season, but didn't you desert your wife and kids and disappear for twenty years? And when you initially returned, wasn't it to profit in some way from your daughters' inheritance? And despite the hint of a reconciliation last season, didn't you still have, at best, a strained relationship with the deceased? Yeah, thought so. Shut it. Anyway, Phoebe tosses a little glare of guilt at Cole. If you pause the tape in the right spot, her irises disappear, making Alyssa look like Satan. Phoebe crosses to Big Daddy for a hug.
Upstairs in the Bridal Boudoir, Piper sits at her dressing table, intently brushing the same bit of her hair over and over and over again. Enter the Dolt, who tells her it's time for them to head to the service. Piper, still brushing, refuses to rise from her chair. Why? Choosing her words with deliberate care, she states, "If I go, it means Prue's really not coming back. And I don't think I can handle that." The Dolt, kneeling at her side, tells her they "can handle it together." Piper tries to maintain control of her shaky voice as she lays it all out for him: "She's been there my whole life. I've always had a big sister, and don't know how to live without one." The Dolt gently strokes her shoulder, but she flinches away from his touch. Atta girl. "Why didn't you save her?" she demands. The Dolt reminds her that he tried. "Then why didn't They let you save her?" "The Elders?" he asks. "They don't have that kind of power." No, Dolt. Repeat after me: "Alyssa had Shannen fired, so Prue had to die." See how easy that is? And how this scene has no purpose other than to remind us -- as if we needed reminding -- that Holly Marie Combs, in the words of Owen, "act[s] crop circles around everyone else on this show"? The Dolt doesn't listen to me, instead telling Piper, "It's okay to be angry." "I'm not angry," she growls, rising and storming to the bedside table to grab a tissue. "I. Am. Pissed. Off. Don't you understand?" she continues. "You healed the wrong sister. You saved me because I am your wife and you should have saved her because she was the best. Because she was...because you should..." And here she breaks down. Poor Piper. Still with the self-esteem issues. Can we all see what her character arc is going to be for the rest of the season? Good. The Dolt moves to her side and draws her into a hug, and call me a bastard, but all this hugging is starting to annoy. "Why did They put us through so much for it to end this way?" she sobs. The Dolt, for once, wisely keeps his mouth shut.
Cut to Hell. Literally -- we're in Hell, people. A black-cowled figure blazes his way into the cavern. Literally -- a sheet of flame creates his outline, from which he himself emerges. The shot cuts to a smoky outline reclining on some sort of altar. "May I be seen?" purrs the smoke. "Have you found Belthazor?" asks the guy in the robe. "No," comes the response from off-screen. "Something else." The guy in the robe wags a claw at the smoke, and the smoke flares into a bint. I would call her a slut, but I wasted that slur on the tertiary demon who killed herself in the pre-credits sequence of "Coyote Piper." So this scantily-clad tramp gets to be the Smoked Bint, and she's going to like it. Dammit. She's wearing a sequined bikini top that barely covers the very tips of her breasts, and some sarong-like sequined miniskirt that barely covers her unmentionables, as she strokes a crystal ball in a manner that suggests the ball is far better acquainted with said unmentionables than I ever would want to be. She's kinky trash, people. Anyway, continuing with her earlier line about finding something other than Belthazor, she avers that what she's seen is "more important than Belthazor." The guy in the robe doesn't like hearing that. "Nothing's more important," he insists. "Not even the Charmed Ones?" asks the Smoked Bint. The guy in the robe reminds her that they're dead. "Not all of them," she reminds the guy in the robe. The guy in the robe reminds her that "one gone" is sufficient, then bitches her out for failing to predict that the Dolt would save Phoebe and Cole from Hell. No, we never saw the Bint last season, and we never saw the rescue on-screen, and the chances are we never will. Just go with the demonic exposition. By the way, I think by now we've all realized the guy in the robe is The Source, so let's call a spade a spade from here on out.
The Source has slithered behind the Smoked Bint, and he threatens to turn her into a snake. She'd probably enjoy that, champ. The Smoked Bint slyly notes that were she a snake, the Source would no longer be able to see into the future. Wouldn't he be able to do that on his own, anyway? You know, being The Source of All Evil and everything? Pardon me while I freshen my cocktail. Long story short, the Bint heard Piper's earlier spell. "I see a witch's call in the spirit winds," she announces, as the camera pans down alarmingly close to the vast expanse of her exposed and artificial left breast. "I see...another," she concludes, and wiggles her fingers over her Ball of Perversion. The shot dives into the Ball of Perversion as a woman screams on the soundtrack. No, I don't mean Stevie Nicks singing. I think it's supposed to be the "witch's call." The camera plows through some clouds to emerge into a shot of the Golden Gate Bridge.
Dissolve to the Coit Tower as seen from the Bay with a few digitally-inserted birds flapping in the foreground. Dissolve again to the Hardest Working Cemetery in Show Business. Though, after having seen a few Buffy reruns in syndication and an entire season of Six Feet Under, I might have to start calling this place the Third-Hardest Working Cemetery in Show Business. The camera pans across the graves to land on the mourners arriving for Prue's service, at that strange non-denominational chapel with the scary statues of the Apostles where the fetus with the crappy wig sucked that one guy's brain out in "Death Takes a Halliwell." Get it? No, really, do you? There's a shot of a random guest's hand clutching a triquatra-emblazoned, um, Mass card, I suppose, and then we get a shot of Piper quietly losing her shit while seated at Big Daddy's side. Big Daddy himself merely looks grim. As the ovary on the soundtrack moans about seeing "a bell, a book, and a candle," we get a shot of Prue's closed coffin, which is unnecessarily elaborate and white. The shot slides to include some granola priestess at the altar with a chalice and a silver cord and three lit white candles, and she's nattering on about "the circle" and "love remaining" and "once again sharing the bread and the wine with our sister" and something about night being like death, and I just want some zombie version of Prue to leap from the coffin and strangle this tedious bitch. Make the joke about how one would tell the difference between Zombie Prue and Regular Prue yourself. "We bid you farewell," Granolina finally concludes, "for you await a new destiny." She winds the cord into the chalice and blows out the candles one by one, which I suppose means something, but damned if I'm going to research Wiccan funeral rites. The shot shifts into slow motion as Granolina puffs out the last candle, then dissolves into Phoebe loudly losing her shit while seated at Cole's side. Piper, meanwhile, has collapsed against the Dolt's chest as silent, shuddering sobs wrack her body. Another dissolving pan reveals Rose towards the back, looking vacant. I mean, "oddly touched by this ceremony for a stranger."
Ceremony over, the surviving Ps rise to form a receiving line with Big Daddy. Cole and the Dolt stand off to the side, the Dolt thanking the tedious Granolina for the service. Rose waits her turn in line, wearing that hideous jacket of hers. It's almost exactly the shade of her skin, and it features some kind of ruffled piping that trails up the front to wind around the collar over her left shoulder. Her hair is very, very flat. She approaches Phoebe, who, by way of contrast, looks fantastic. She still has the blonde highlights in her hair, which she wears in the same pulled-back, twists-on-the-side style she had in "Power Outage" and "All Halliwell's Eve." Oh, shut up. You know exactly what I mean. While Piper's chosen a chic little black dress for the service, Phoebe's characteristically in a floral patterned top. The pattern is in a subdued dark green, however, and the dark, ankle-length skirt she's chosen is modest to the point of being Edwardian. Anyway, pasty Rose walks up to Phoebe and gains points by offering a very simple "I'm so sorry for your loss." Phoebe thanks her softly, and Rose turns to walk away. Sensing something, oh, I don't know, unusual about Rose, Phoebe stops her with, "Weren't you engaged to Marilyn Manson? What the hell were you thinking? And what the hell was up with you flashing your ass at the MTV Video Awards that year? You looked like a total. Whore. I thought to myself, 'Thank God I'm not the poor schlub who has to steam-clean that theater seat when that skank's done with it.'" Okay, not so much. She asks, "How did you know Prue? From work?" Rose just smiles and shrugs a bit and says, "No. Just -- you know. From around." Phoebe asks if they've met before. Rose doesn't think so. She offers Phoebe her hand with, "Anyway. My condolences." Phoebe thanks her again and takes her hand, whereupon she is flung into one of those black-and-white visions of hers. This one features Rose, on a rooftop, with Fruma-Shax hurling a Flaming Ball of Death at her sharply-boned head. Breaking from the vision and the handshake, Phoebe falls backwards onto the carpet. Rose freaks and scampers off.
Piper, Big Daddy, and the Dolt help Phoebe to her feet. She hyperventilates that she "saw him -- the demon who killed Prue!" Cole pulls on his cautious Colethazor expression and moves forward in anticipation of a little demonic ass-kicking. Phoebe continues with her description of the vision, then runs towards the door to follow Rose. Her progress is interrupted by a Demonic Bounty Hunter, who rays in in front of her. He flings a bolt of blue lightning at Cole, who dodges it by dropping to the floor off to the side. The altar? Vanquished. The others dart to safety in the shadows of various creepy Apostles as Cole retaliates with a Flaming Ball of Death. The DBH is vanquished, along with an urn. Another DBH rays in in the middle of the folding chairs in the chapel. Phoebe does this wicked cool cartwheeling kick that knocks the second DBH to his knees as she darts from one side of the room to the other. Piper: "This is not happening." Another FBOD, another DBH vanquished. Along with some of the chairs. Piper, who apparently found the shit she had lost just minutes ago, proceeds to lose said shit all over again. "STOPITSTOPITSTOPIT!" she shrieks. "This is Prue's funeral, for God's sake! Can we at least bury her in peace? Is that too. Much. TO ASK?" At this she flings her hand to the side, vanquishing a vase in the rather mundane way of knocking it to the floor, where its shattering punctuates her last cry. Beyond fury, she stomps her way out of the chapel into the sunlight, leaving the rest to gape guiltily at one another as we cut to commercial.
Manor. A depressingly somber wake is in progress. They need to take a page from my family and kick this thing into gear with a couple of beers and several inappropriate-yet-hysterical tales of the dearly departed. Phoebe skitters about, trying to be helpful by passing out plates to those who neither need nor want them. We're also told via an awkwardly-placed super that Elimidate Deluxe premieres week. Wonder how long it's going to take that show to stagger into a programming coffin. Phoebe crosses from the sun porch to the hall to tell Cole and the Dolt, "I don't see her anywhere." The Dolt: "Who?" Phoebe: "Duh, you jackass. The girl from my premonition." Guess which part of that line was actually scripted and shot. The Dolt leads Phoebe away from eavesdropping funeral guests as Cole asks if she's certain she didn't recognize Rose. She babbles something about finding Rose before nightfall as she crosses yet again to yet another table to play with more dinnerware. "Honey," says Cole as he trails behind, "what are you doing?" "Cleaning" is the response. "You hate cleaning," he reminds her. She asserts it's cleaning or a nervous breakdown, and which would he prefer? The Dolt urges her to focus on Rose. Phoebe complies, releasing more details about the rooftop from the premonition. It contains a helipad, she notes, though the building itself is not as tall as the surrounding structures in the area.
Piper chooses this moment to ask them if they've all lost their freaking minds. "You can't defeat Shax," she tells them. "Not without the Power of Three." Phoebe reminds Piper that she and Prue managed the vanquish on their own. Piper blithers about how that only happened because Prue was the strongest and without her it's suicide and she doesn't give a rat's ass about innocents and demons anymore and The Powers That Be can take their damned notion of destiny and fate and the Charmed Ones and whatnot and cram it and her voice is rising and the Dolt tries to calm her down and she's not having it and she tells him to go screw himself, and then she clomps upstairs. Phoebe instructs the Dolt to let her go, and returns to the matter at hand. She's determined to protect Rose, especially because Rose is threatened by the same force that killed Prue. Cole wonders aloud how she plans to accomplish this. Phoebe supposes that a witch and a demon working in concert just might be enough to get the job done. "Interested?" she asks him. He smirks a bit and decides her idea is "better than sitting around here waiting for another" -- say it with him -- "bounty hunter to attack."
Phoebe approaches her father in the dining room and interrupts the conversation he's been having with an elderly gent named Aaron. And no, the elderly gent is not Aaron Spelling. Phoebe tells Big Daddy that she and the Colethazor have some demon hunting they must attend to, and asks if he'll be all right on his own. Before Big Daddy can get indignant at the notion of his daughter bailing on her sister's wake, Darryl enters with the Mummy. I mean, "Inspector Cortez," the fellow Darryl warned them about before the service. And when I call Cortez "the Mummy," I mean to say that it looks like someone removed this guy's brain using a hook that was rammed repeatedly up his nose, then let the salt-and-sand-covered corpse dry out for a couple of months in a Cairo back room so that the guy's eyes would bulge from the receding flesh of their desiccated lids and his lips would draw back from his yellowing teeth in a permanent sneer. Maybe it's the hair. Anyway, the Mummy -- in a tasteless display of tact-free living -- has chosen this moment to begin the investigation into Prue's murder. At her wake, people. Cole bolts to "get the car" as the Mummy insists in sibilant, outer-borough tones he "will find the monster that did this to [Prue]." Phoebe wigs a bit at the term "monster." The Mummy asks if she can think of a better term for the alleged perp. Phoebe demurs and attempts to take her leave. The Mummy grabs her arm and insists they speak at that moment. Big Daddy intervenes, the Mummy relents, and Phoebe jams.
Up in the attic, Piper's busily arranging large blue candles in a circle on the floor. "I am a witch, dammit," she mutters to no one in particular. "I have summoned people before, and I will summon Prue whether Alyssa and Aaron like it or not!" I should note that Piper is getting her bitch back during the course of this scene. Joy. Once the candles are in place, she steps up to the BoS to recite the following:
Hear these words -- hear my cry,
Spirit from the Other Side.
Come to me. I summon thee.
Cross beyond the Great Divide.
Swirling Cloud Of Glowing Golf Balls, from which emerges -- Grams! Hi, Grams! Piper groans a bit in frustration, like, shut up, Piper. Grams came a long way to see if you're okay, so can it with the attitude. Piper admits to feeling "a little lost" without Prue, and wonders aloud why Grams ignored her earlier calls. Grams evasively tells Piper she was "busy" and couldn't come. Piper calls her on that, so Grams elaborates. Grams and Finola Hughes have been assisting Prue with her transition to life as a corpse. Piper inquires after Prue's mental state. Grams reluctantly admits that TPTB have forbidden her to tell Piper anything. "Just like you're not allowed to see her," Grams adds. "At least, not for a while, anyway." When Piper wonders why, Grams gives her the official explanation: "Because seeing Prue right now -- speaking to her -- keeps her alive for you, which keeps you from being able to move on with your life. To continue your destiny." The official official reason? Alyssa had Shannen fired, so no one's going to see Prue. Ever. AGAIN. GOD. Once again, Piper snippily rejects the whole destiny thing. Grams gently yet firmly reminds Piper that the most important lesson to be taken from the sisters' last three years together is that everything has a purpose, and that therefore Prue was taken from them for a reason. Yeah, tell that to Dan Savage. He'd probably tear you a new hole by way of thanks. "Your destiny still awaits," Grams insists, then vanishes in a SCOGGB with "Blessed be." Piper pouts. Cow.
Hell. The Source blazes in to ask the Smoked Bint if she's found any new information on Cole's whereabouts. She hasn't, but she's drawn a bead on Rose. "Her future has become much more clear," the Bint promises. "And short-lived." She flaps her hand over the Ball of Perversion, and an arrhythmically jerking Janet Reno appears therein. The shot widens, and Janet's joined by Michael J. Fox on the dance floor at P3. Okay, fine. It's Rose and her current boy toy, and no, they don't have Parkinson's Disease. It's just they way they move. Unfortunately. Halloween comes early for Demian, as there is quite seriously a full minute of this horror before the music mercifully cuts itself short. The pair heads over to a nearby table for some hasty character exposition trussed up as "romantic" "banter." Despite the fact Rose and the boy toy have been dating a mere month, he claims to know "everything" about her. A Convenient Waitress appears to prove him wrong. She asks for their order, and he asks for "two long necks." Strike two against the boy toy. Strike one was, needless to say, the "dancing." Rose switches her order to a product-placed Perrier, telling the boy toy, basically, that if he didn't know she was a recovering alcoholic, he doesn't really know her all that well. Mmmm. Alcohol.
Anyway, the boy toy, whose name is Shane, quickly apologizes and asks if she'd like to move the party to a juice bar or something. She says it's fine; she appreciates the atmosphere at P3, and has ever since she started going there a year ago. "After," she begins, then thinks the better of continuing. Shane pries. Rose caves. She's so easy. She's adopted -- but that's not the bad part. She loved her adoptive parents very much, but now they're dead. And now I can't get the sound of Brenda Blethyn screeching "SWEEE'AAHHT!" in Secrets and Lies out of my head. Thanks for nothing, Rose. Anyway, after Rose buried them, she embarked on a search for her birth mother that led her to the church in which her abandoned baby behind was found by some random nun. At one point, she thought she might be related to the Glamorous Ladies of Halliwell Manor, but she ended that line of inquiry once she learned that the sisters were orphans as well. She still feels "connected" to them, however. Rose has been absently doodling on a cocktail napkin during this, and the penciled shape thus far is a circle. Shane, who's sort of dishy in an eager-little-puppy-dog way that you know means he won't age well, presses for more details. Rose admits that her continuing sense of connection with the sisters compelled her to attend that morning's funeral. This line of thinking trails off into the embarrassed confusion of an overshare overshared. "Okay, you sound like a total freak," she mutters. "Good job, Paige. Way to go." Shane cuts her short with a kiss. She eases away from it. "Don't hurt me, okay?" she pleads softly with an appealing touch of vulnerability. "I can't handle any more right now," she continues. Shane makes with the liquid brown puppy-dog eyes you totally want to hate him for but can't. He kisses her again. Rose caves again. She "wants to show [him] something," and rises from her stool with her jacket. He hastily pulls a couple of bills from his pocket and tosses them onto the table. The camera follows the money, and Rose's absent-minded doodle is revealed to be a triquatra.
Cross-fade to one of those completely fake "through the binoculars" shots of a rooftop helipad matching Phoebe's description. From a vacant office across the way, Phoebe herself scans the scene for signs of life. Cole appears behind her with a product-placed Starbucks travel mug. Phoebe wonders if they shouldn't try another location. Cole thinks she should go with her first instinct. Phoebe frets that her first instinct might get Rose killed. Cole wraps his arms around her waist, reminding her that some innocents are lost and some demons go unvanquished. Phoebe's not having that sort of crazy talk. Cole suggests that the two "drop off the face of the earth someplace." An unnaturally shiny Phoebe smirks and says, "Don't tempt me." They nuzzle a bit and natter on about the tiresome, tedious, and terribly old subject of their "forbidden" "love." Cole worries that the Source will dust his tantalizing ass and in the process injure Phoebe. Phoebe insists that she will not lose her boyfriend as well as her sister. Thankfully, this line of discussion ends when Rose and Shane emerge from the stairwell opposite onto the helipad. Phoebe wants to take immediate action, but Cole counsels a wait-and-see approach. The emphasis, we shall learn, is on the "see," as Cole is soon to be revealed as a pervy voyeur. How could you not love this guy?
Rose dances out onto the helipad, arms raised to celebrate the view. She's wearing a high-necked, sleeveless burgundy dress, which is really quite flattering. What ruins it is the furry, wide-lapelled, mutton-sleeved, orange jacket she wears over it. Hideous. Absolutely hideous. Eilish apparently will not stop until the last Muppet lies dead and skinned to make outerwear. Shane's too busy being attracted to Paige's "free-spirited aura" to notice, though. Plus, he's presumably straight, so why would he notice her jacket anyway? He himself looks much better in this sequence than he did in the one immediately prior. The hair and make-up people are pulling that dewy, long-of-lash, rosy-of-lip thing on him, and it's working like, well, like a charm, actually. Oh, zip it, you. Anyway, starlight makes Rose horny, and Shane's all about horny. So they mack, with Shane nibbling eagerly on Rose's pale neck. Meanwhile, back at the illegally-occupied office, Pervy Cole bounces eagerly on the balls of his feet as he takes in the scene across the way. Phoebe asks him if he has any ideas, to which he cheekily replies, "A couple." Rroawr. Phoebe bats him in the chest. Snerk. "I mean, what should we do now?" she asks. "We can't just keep watching." Cole agrees as he takes the binoculars from her hand for a closer look. Hee! She covers the lenses with her hand and pushes him away from the window as we cut back to the Helipad of Fornication.
The frisky kids are just about to start ripping each other's undies to shreds when Fruma-Shax whirls in over to the side. Oh, wait. Silly me. Rose doesn't wear underwear, does she? Rose spots Shax first, breaking from her sordid embrace while calling out the boy toy's name. Shane turns just in time to receive a Flaming Ball Of You Will Be Unconscious Now, Yes? in the chest. He's flung backwards into a pile of metal. Fruma-Shax re-aims and flings an FBOD at Rose. Rose -- get this -- orbs out of the path of the FBOD, which passes through the air in which she just stood to vanquish the stucco finish on the wall behind her. She immediately orbs back in. Shax...confused. Very, very confused. Phoebe, never the brightest bulb on the tree, seconds that emotion. Rose takes this opportunity to get the hell out of there, leaving behind her unconscious-and-possibly-bleeding boyfriend. That's class. "She orbed," Feebs gapes as Fruma-Shax whirls on out after Rose's retreating form. Cole grabs Phoebe's hand to squiggle the two over to the Helipad Of Fornication Delayed's interior. Indoors, Rose scuttles across a catwalk as Fruma-Shax whirls in opposite. At that moment, Phoebe and Cole squiggle their way in in front of her. "What the hell?" Rose shrieks. Yes, Rose. Exactly. Cole pounds Shax with one FBOD after another, giving Rose time to make her escape. Cole orders Phoebe to recite the vanquish. She quickly complies. In case you forgot:
Evil wind that blows,
That which forms below,
No longer may you dwell:
Death takes you with this spell.
Oof. Shax disappears, but not before he manages to toss an FBOD into Cole. Cole hurtles backwards through a railing and into space, wailing all the way. Halfway down to the lower level, he squiggles out in mid-air. The railing pipes clatter to the floor alone. Phoebe screams his name, and he squiggles back in behind her on the catwalk. He's a little winded, but otherwise okay. Phoebe throws herself on him. "That was close." "Too close," he agrees. "But I'm more worried about your innocent." They peer about dumbly, and we cut to commercial.
Back from the break, we're back in the Manor. The Dolt's having difficulty with the whole concept of Rose orbing. Piper, quietly wiping dishes at the sink, is having difficulty with the whole concept of business as usual. Phoebe, Cole, and the Dolt chatter about the possibility of Rose being a Whitelighter without knowing it while Piper slams some plates around. Phoebe orders the Dolt to consult TPTB on the issue. Piper rolls her eyes. After the Dolt orbs away, Cole offers to check in "with the other side" to see what they know down there. Phoebe's none too pleased with this idea, but relents. Piper grinds her teeth. After Cole's squiggled away, Phoebe approaches Piper. "Are you okay?" Piper snits, "Yeah. We could have another funeral tomorrow. I mean, the dishes are out, and we pretty much know who to invite." They bicker. Piper: "Just tell me one thing: Are you insane, or just stupid?" Nah. Too easy. Phoebe claims she was simply saving an innocent. Piper counters she was actually "trying to get [herself] killed, which is something [their] family does best." She flings a dishrag off to the side and rants a bit more about their true destiny being "to die," and lays into Phoebe for making The Source's role in said destiny easier. Bling blah grief-cakes. Phoebe apologizes, and they hug.
Cut to Rose stalking through a hospital corridor. She dodges past a couple of cops to scurry into Shane's room. He's suffered a minor concussion, but nothing more. She apologizes for bailing on him in his hour of need, but he tells her not to worry about it. The things guys will do to get laid. He asks if she's granted the police an interview. "What? Why?" she splutters. "Because someone attacked us, that's why." He admits that he already told them she got a look at the guy who did it. Rose rages. Before she can swing into full-on bitch mode, however, the Mummy skulks into Shane's curtain area. Identifying himself as a homicide detective, he reveals that the details of their attack closely resemble similar details in the deaths of Prue and the doctor. The Mummy asks Rose if she knew Prue. Rose denies this, but Shane pipes in with, "Well, in a way you did." Rose gives him a glare that clearly states she'll soon be wearing his 'nads for earrings. The Mummy makes with the threats, but Rose coolly blows him off. She tells Shane to get some rest, kisses him on his fuzzy little forehead, then moves to leave. The Mummy gapes at her brazen audacity, and Shane gives him an hysterical little glance of the "she kicked your ass" sort before the shot cuts to Rose stomping down the corridor once more.
Manor parlor. Phoebe stares into the fireplace as Piper approaches with a cup of chamomile tea. Phoebe accepts the peace offering and sips before adding flatly, "It doesn't seem real, does it?" No, Feebs, it doesn't, but I don't think you're talking about what I'm thinking about at the moment. Piper worries over post-funeral details like the disposition of Prue's possessions. The one thing the two can agree on is selling Prue's SUV. They clasp hands and bond a bit more before the Dolt orbs back in from his Heavenly confab with TPTB. "They" know nothing of Rose, eliminating the possibility that she's a Whitelighter. Piper and Phoebe groan in frustration and rise to their feet. Cole squiggles in, apologizing for taking so long to return. All together now: He "had to dodge a couple of bounty hunters." Never thought I'd say it, but shut up, Cole. Damn you, Brad Kern. Cole does, however, have better information than the Dolt. The Source, he notes, thinks Rose is "another Charmed One." Yeah, we know. Move it along, already. Phoebe blithers while Piper silently absorbs the implications. Uttering nary a word, she storms atticward as the others trail behind in her wake.
Attic. Phoebe with the "What's up?" Piper stomps to the BoS, telling them all it's time to ask Grams what the hell is going on. "'Your destiny awaits,'" she snidely mimics. "'Everything happens for a reason.' Well, it's time to summon her transparent ass and find out what that 'reason' is." Snicker. We love Piper when she's talking trash about Grams. Piper furiously repeats the earlier summoning spell, ending by slamming her open palms onto the BoS with a resounding thump. Swirling Cloud Of Glowing Golf Balls. Hi, Grams! She's a bit indignant at being summoned twice in one day. Piper drops the Rose bomb. Grams feigns ignorance. Piper calls her on it. Grams claims she's "sworn to secrecy" on the matter. "By who?" Piper ungrammatically demands. The disembodied voice of Finola Hughes responds, "By me." A second SCOGGB deposits Finola on the carpet to Grams. Or maybe they're hovering above it. I have no idea. Finola bares her terrifying rack of choppers in a spooky close-up as the Tinkly Chords of Imminent Resolution splatter across the soundtrack.
Main hallway. The Mummy races in toting a flashlight, Darryl hot on his heels. The Mummy's obtained a search warrant, and tells Darryl to keep his yapping trap shut. "Follow me," he orders, and the two head for the staircase.
Attic. Finola hesitantly cops to her abandoned bastard love child. She kept the whole thing secret because she worried about "reprisals." She states that TPTB might have denied the Ps their "birthright" as witches had They known about Rose. After Finola divorced Big Daddy's delinquent ass, her freak was gotten on quite thoroughly with Sam the Butcher. Kidding. Sam the Whitelighter. Cole hears the bit about the Whitelighter and snarks an aside to the Dolt. "Apples don't fall too far from the forbidden tree, I see." Piper shushes him harshly. "Go on," she tells her mother. Finola fondly remembers the girls as being "only toddlers" at the time who "thought Mommy got a little fat." I'll rant about this here: We learn presently that Rose was born in 1977, making Prue seven years old, Piper five, and Phoebe three. When I was seven years old and my younger sister was five, we both knew damn well Ma had a bun in the oven. So, this "Mommy got a little fat" thing they're trying to pull? Cute, but there's no way in hell I'm buying it as an explanation. Anyway, Finola gets a bit teary-eyed reminiscing about the decision she made with Grams and Sam to give Rose away at birth. Finola gets as busy with the exposition as she did with Sam. The tramp. The two took the infant to "a local church and asked the nun there to find her a good home, and [the penguin] found one -- a very good home." Grams hastily agrees that the home was, indeed, Good. Phoebe asks for the bottom line. Grams and Finola confirm that Rose is Piper's and Phoebe's half-sister and "sister witch," due to the shared Finola bloodline. However, Finola adds that Rose, Phoebe, and Piper must be reunited in the manor for the Power of Three to reactivate itself. Grams, kicking it with the episode title: "Charmed. Again." Aw. Only Grams could pull that one off.
Piper shoots disrespectful daggers in the general direction of her elders with her eyes as Cole mutters, "And I thought my family was screwed up." Snorf. Before Piper can smack him for that crack, Darryl and the Mummy burst through the attic door. Once again I ask, do these halfwits not have a way to prevent intruders from entering the attic? Christ on a stick. The Mummy, settling his gaze on the tableau of dead and live witches and angelic and demonic boy toys, merely states, "Well, I'll be damned." Well, yes, you will, but we'll have to wait until the half of the premiere for that, pallie.
Back from the break, Piper tells Darryl to "do something" about the Mummy. "He's a cop, Piper," Darryl replies. "And he's got a search warrant." Again with the preventing intruders from the goddamn attic solution not in evidence here at all. Cole approaches the Mummy, but the Mummy responds by pulling a gun and threatening to shoot. Cole notes he'll shoot as well before the Dolt tells him to back down. There's some caterwauling from Phoebe about "logical explanation[s] for all of this," but no one has her back. The Mummy dispenses an irritating and strident soliloquy about always having believed in magic and wee and dark forces and wah and death and destruction and woo and shut the hell up already. Grams, thankfully, cuts this short with a disdainful, blue-blooded, "All right. You caught us. Con-grat-u-lations. What are you going to do about it -- shoot us?" I embroider a little "Go Grams!" pennant to hang above my television as Phoebe tells her to pipe down, as not everyone present is dead at the moment. The Dolt chimes in to point out the absurdity of arresting ghosts, noting that no one will ever believe the Mummy's version of events. The Mummy continues to threaten tediously with "constant surveillance" this and "taping your every move" that until Darryl whaps the Mummy on the head with his revolver. Yes!
Phoebe hustles to Darryl's side, thanking him and telling him to scram before he's implicated in the evening's events. Cole astutely notes that Darryl's action has merely delayed the Mummy's response. Grams pleases me to no end by suggesting the Ps "get rid of him." At Piper's indignant shout in response to the very idea, Grams continues, "Well, you know what I mean. Dump him somewhere." I hope she's a regular this season. "With all the witches in this room," she adds, "we've got to be able to come up with something. I mean, just start rhyming." She takes the lead, emphasizing the end of each line with a dismissive gesture of her hands:
Take him back,
Take him away.
Remove him now --
Don't let him stay.
Phoebe picks up the rhyme:
We call the spirits to help undo
And send him off to...Timbuktu!
Swirling Cloud Of Glowing Golf Balls, and the Mummy vanishes from the carpet. "Tim-buk-tu?" Piper enunciates carefully. "You sent him to Tim-buk-TU?" Phoebe claims ignorance of other geographical locations that rhyme with "undo," though I hear Peru is quite nice this time of year. Well, if you manage to avoid the mudslides and the anti-government terrorists. Cole volunteers to retrieve the Mummy and squiggles out, nonchalantly scratching his forehead as he does so. Piper, meanwhile, retreats to the BoS, bitching at her mother all the way. "You cannot float in here after all these years and say, 'Oh! Gosh! I forgot! You got a sister!' Especially not today. Of all days." Finola tries to smooth things over with crap about losing Prue and finding Rose as being "their path" and "their destiny" and that Piper shouldn't "fight it," because what Alyssa and Aaron say goes. Not so much the last bit, but I think you knew that by now. Grams, realizing there's nothing more the witchy duo of ghosts can do, takes Finola's hand and swirls out with her.
Stairwell. Phoebe, Piper, and the Dolt descend to the main hall. The Dolt can't track Rose's location "because technically she's not a witch yet." Phoebe natters about the clues involving the church and the penguin, while Piper insists the only reason she's getting involved at all is to protect an innocent, not to have some sort of twisted family reunion. All three shut up when they reach the main floor to find Rose waiting in the entranceway for them. Rose apologizes for the intrusion, noting that the door was open, then loses her nerve and bolts for the porch. Phoebe leaps to stop her, taking her arm and leading her back into the Manor. "We were just going to look for you!" she perks overbrightly. "Welcome! I'm Phoebe, and this is..." "Piper," Rose finishes for her. "I've, uh, been to your club. Pretty great." Well, the "great" bit is subjective, of course, but I thought all three of the original Ps owned it. Anyway, Rose introduces herself as Paige, and I suppose I really should get used to calling her that. Sorry, but I hate the name. Phoebe doesn't share my opinion, of course. "Another P," she enthuses. "Imagine that!" Shut up, Phoebe. Piper forces herself to offer her hand in friendship. As she and Rose shake, the physical contact initiated by Phoebe with Rose is now completed by Piper. The reconstituted Charmed Ones are bathed in a bluish white glow from the chandelier above. Rose, of course, freaks. "What was that?" she gasps, apparently unused to celebrating her place in the circle of womynhood and whatnot. "I think that means you were meant to be here," opines the Dolt.
Before Rose can splutter, "And what the hell is that supposed to mean, jackass?" Fruma-Shax whirls his way through the front door, tossing the new Ps to the floor. He does that mouth-breathing, sideways-slither-shuffle down the hallway towards the prone ladies, but before he can fling them through a couple of walls, the Dolt -- get this -- leaps onto his back to ride him like a bronco. Silly Dolt. The new Ps take advantage of this intensely homoerotic situation to race to the attic. Fruma-Shax flips the Dolt into the parlor, rendering the Dolt unconscious. I am loving this, let me tell you. Fruma-Shax then heads for the stairs. Up in the attic, Piper drags Rose in her tottering open-toed heels to the BoS while Phoebe locks the door. Flipping through the Book, Piper instructs Rose to recite the vanquish with herself and Phoebe. "What are you, witches?" Rose asks incredulously. "Yep, and we're hoping you're one too," Phoebe replies. Fruma-Shax busts through the door at this point, growling like the Tasmanian Devil. The Tasmanian Devil rules, by the way. For the spell itself, see above. Shax swirls a bit in agony, then disappears into an explosion of yellow sparks, just as he did the last time they pulled this crap on him. "That's not enough," Phoebe breathes. "Shax was only the messenger. We've got to get The Source." Rose repeats, "'The Source'? Of what?" "Of all evil," Piper allows. Rose wrinkles her nose up in disgust. "What have you guys turned me into?" She spins on her heel and darts out of the attic. Piper and Phoebe halfheartedly follow behind, calling out, "Paige?" Cut to black.
Thus endeth the first hour of the season premiere. Sign up for the mailing list to learn when "Charmed Again: Part the Second" goes live. Don't fret. It'll probably be tomorrow. Have fun, kids.