Before I begin, I have to throw props Tina Fey's way. I'm not sure when it originally aired, but I just saw the Saturday Night Live "Weekend Update" segment in which she includes Charmed on the list of breast-enhanced television shows available as alternative programming for those poor souls still mourning the loss of Baywatch. Marry me, Tina.
Because the promo insisted tonight's main event was "three years in the making," I went back and rewatched the series and second-season premieres on the tape the Polish Princess so kindly provided me all those many months ago. There is nothing in either to indicate that the goal of the initial three-year story arc is Piper's wedding.
Wait. Who am I trying to kid? This show can't maintain a coherent story arc for more than a couple of episodes, much less three seasons. Whatever.
Fade in on a bride-and-groom wedding-cake ornament in the manor hallway as a modified, tinkly version of Wagner's wedding march plays on the soundtrack. A pullback shot reveals Prue and Phoebe in the background, struggling to center a flowered arch over a makeshift altar at the end of the hall. Hey, look! It's Veronica's mom again! Jennifer Rhodes in power red as Grams Halliwell asks Phoebe and Prue if they are certain they couldn't find a larger arch for the ceremony. Prue snarks back that they can't "without opening a fast-food franchise." Not funny, Prue. Grams apparently agrees with me. She raises an eyebrow and shoots a sidelong glance Prue's way. She tells her granddaughters, "If love is a quest, marriage is the conquest. This place must feel like victory." How very pre-feminist of you, Grams. Phoebe remarks she thought "weddings were supposed to be romantic." Grams dismisses this notion as Prue smirks, "You better listen to Grams, Phoebe. You could always calculate her age by the number of rings on her fingers." Phoebe chuckles as Grams playfully wags a finger at Prue in return. Prue, alpha witch that she is, crosses "wedding arch" off her to-do list, then lets out an enormous yawn as she moves on to the item on the agenda. Phoebe suggests that Prue go off-list for the rest of the evening in favor of sleep, noting that Prue's been overtired all day. "All week," Prue corrects her, telling the two that she's been having a "re-occurring dream" that has been disturbing her rest. At Phoebe's prompting, Prue reveals that her dream involves some "cute" biker in a grungy bar. Phoebe lifts her eyebrows, silently counting back the weeks to the last time Prue got some. Piper clomps downstairs at that point, and a delighted Grams asks her what she thinks of the decorations. Piper pronounces them "beautiful" and proceeds with an inventory: "Flowers and bows and Grams." Since when did Grams become a part of the furniture, Piper? Piper continues, "The only thing missing is…" "Mom," Prue finishes for her. A round of sad and downcast looks before Piper asks Grams if she's certain she can't do something about the Ps' mother. Grams reminds Piper that Grams herself was allowed to attend only because the Handfasting ceremony requires a "High Priestess," and that The Powers That Be expect Grams back by "the witching hour tomorrow." Phoebe produces a framed photo of their mother, hoping that will do in Penny's absence.
Prue asks Piper if she's okay. Piper says she's fine, then rather inexplicably announces she "can't believe how close [she] came to sabotaging [her] own wedding." The others, having no idea where this bit of character-related contrivance is coming from, ask her to explain. Piper pouts out some heretofore-never-revealed nonsense about coming thisclose to canceling the wedding outright, due to demons and the antics of TPTB and whatnot. "I told myself that if one more thing went wrong," she exposits, "then it just maybe wasn't meant to be." Again, she must have told herself this all of five minutes ago off-camera, because this is the first I've heard of it. Grams pooh-poohs Piper's entire line of thought, and Prue asserts that she will "personally butt-kick any demon" who attempts to halt the ceremony. Prue yawns again, leading Phoebe to note that Prue won't be very good at the butt-kicking if she doesn't get some shut-eye. Phoebe orders Prue to bed as Tinkly Wagner makes another appearance on the soundtrack. "I'll see you tomorrow at four o'clock," Grams promises Piper, adding pointedly, "Mrs. Halliwell. The women keep their names in this family." I hate to bust on Grams, because Jennifer Rhodes plays her as the perfect WASP dragon lady, but I have to wonder why, if the women do keep their surnames, the sisters don't go by "Warren." Maybe they switched to Halliwell when it was decided all the women had to have precious and twee forenames like "Penny" and "Piper." Anyway, Grams shoots a sly smile Piper's way, and the glowing golf balls swirl around her to whisk her back up to Heaven. Or wherever. Piper smiles and sighs, then walks through the hallway, once again evaluating the decorations.
Cross-fade to Prue, tossing restlessly in her bed. She's intercut with a series of roaming shots of that grungy biker bar she mentioned earlier. The roving biker-bar shots eventually settle on a furry greaseball who resembles a much younger Harvey Keitel. Harvey, leaning against a wall with a pool cue, says, "Lucky shot." Bad-Girl Biker Prue at the pool table lines up another shot and replies, "The more I play, the luckier I get." I realize I'm seriously jumping the gun on a "shocking" plot "twist," but I have to reveal at this point that Sleepytime Prue is actually Special Ed Prue, and her AP self is hanging with the greaseballs in the bar. Trust me, this recap will become as convoluted as this subplot is if I try to proceed otherwise. Anyway, AP Prue sinks the eight ball, and tells Harve he now owes her twenty dollars. Harve tells AP Prue to get lost. And here comes Dana Ashbrook to the rescue. Bobby Briggs tells Harve to pay up, or Bobby will take him "out front" to teach him a lesson. Harve relents, despite the fact that he could probably snap Bobby in two like a twig. AP Prue thanks the greaseball and slides the twenty into her bra over her left breast. Bobby sidles over in front of her. Bad-girl-bad-boy "banter," with AP Prue telling Bobby he's mistaken if he expects a reward for helping her, and Bobby telling AP Prue he might just "take" his reward anyway. They mack, then break apart, smiling at each other. Bobby apologizes for being late. AP Prue accepts the apology, but tells him she has to leave anyway. AP Prue's wearing a dangling feathered roach clip as a necklace again, by the way. It looks like it's trying to burrow into her cleavage. Bobby bitches about AP Prue always ditching him in favor of her "responsibilities." AP Prue tells him she'd "love to leave [her] responsible half behind," but she can't. Bobby's not having it. He urges her to blow off work in the morning if that's what she's worried about, and adds, "There's a freedom that comes from making your own choices. I know." Thanks for that, Baghwan Bobby Sri Rajneesh. AP Prue allows she'd like to "know" that freedom as well, but she can't. She kisses him again, then makes her way out of the bar. Bobby calls after her, asking for her name. AP Prue ignores him.
Outside, AP Prue strides over to the side of the bar, where she's accosted by Harvey. Harve wants his money back. AP Prue tells him to cram it. Harve leers and says, "Maybe I'll just take it out in trade." Ew. Harve tries to grab AP Prue, but she counters by landing a kick to his head that sends him flying back a bit in the parking lot. As he rises to his feet, AP Prue latches on to a metal rod and swings it into Harve's ample beer gut. Harve goes down like a ton of bricks. AP Prue strides over to him in triumph, but before she's allowed to gloat, she glows up and disappears, dropping the rod (and presumably the twenty-dollar bill) at Harve's side. Cut to Special Ed Prue, who startles awake when AP Prue rejoins her. Reconstituted Prue pants and glances around a bit, and we cut to the credits.
Manor exterior, wedding morn. Up in Piper's boudoir, the bride-to-be awakes to the sound of the Dolt orbing up out of her bedroom. She opens her eyes to discover that the Dolt has strewn her bed with red rose petals while she slept. How very American Beauty of him. Let's just hope it doesn't say anything about his habits in the shower in the morning. Ick. Piper laughs and cups two handfuls of petals to her face, breathing in the scent. Phoebe kicks open the door, carrying a breakfast tray. "Is that giggling I just heard?" she asks. Piper replies that she's "guilty" of both giggling and "being happier than at any moment in [her] life." Phoebe sets the tray down on a dresser and joins Piper on the bed. They frolic in the rose petals. Whatever. Prue staggers in half-awake. "Uh oh," Phoebe intones. "Another bad dream?" Prue confirms this, noting that in this particular "dream," she was "attacked by a big galoot." Piper doesn't know what a galoot is, and immediately assumes Prue was fighting a demon in her sleep. Piper, again with the heretofore-unknown character-related contrivance, snits that if she has to fight a demon on her wedding day, the wedding is off. Prue reassures her Harve wasn't a demon, just a "big, rude guy" in a dream, and notes that the proper amount of self-medication in the form of caffeine should suffice to help Prue "vanquish" him. The doorbell rings. Prue guesses the floral arrangements have arrived. Phoebe bounds out of bed to draw a "bubble bath" for Piper, while Prue stands to deal with the delivery downstairs. Before she leaves the bedroom, she orders Piper to relax and enjoy herself on her wedding day. Piper asks Prue again if she's certain nothing "witchy" is involved in Prue's dreams. Prue perks out an "I'm positive" and tosses a handful of petals onto Piper's head. Prue leaves as Piper sighs and purses her lips.
Cut to a homicide detective photographing the very pale and very dead Harvey outside the biker bar. As other detectives interview various biker types outside, a yellow plastic sheet is drawn over the corpse. Cut to the inside of the bar, where Whip "I flashed my ass in More Tales of the City, but Laura Linney's the one with the real career" Hubley as yet another detective reviews a security tape of AP Prue beating Harve with the metal rod. Whip pauses on a very clear image of AP Prue, and asks Bobby Briggs if she was the woman he was with the night before. Bobby confirms this. Whip asks Bobby for a name. Bobby can't provide one. Whip snarks, "You stick your tongue down her throat, but you don't know her name?" Bobby snarks back that there's no law against macking with strangers. Indeed. Get over your uptight self, Whip. Brian Hawkins would be deeply ashamed of you. Whip tells Bobby he can understand the impulse to cover for one's "girlfriend" when said "girlfriend" faces a charge of homicide. Bobby insists that AP Prue is not a murderer. A middle-aged biker with a full greying beard saunters over to Bobby's side, asking him if he's positive about that. Whip quizzes the new arrival, asking him if he saw the person who offed Harvey. The middle-aged biker tells Whip, "I'm looking at her right now," and nods towards the image from the bar's security tape. Whip glances at Bobby, then back at the black-and-white freeze-frame of AP Prue.
Cut back to the manor kitchen. "Check out what I found in the attic," Phoebe tells Prue. Prue hopes it's "something old," as they already have "new, borrowed, and blue covered." It is indeed something old: the "blessing cup" of the Halliwell ur-witch Melinda Warren. Phoebe exposits that the goblet is the same used by Melinda at her own wedding three centuries ago. What I don't know about antique glass would fill volumes, but the goblet still looks more like something from a faux-Baroque bar set from the 1970s. Prue crosses the "something old" line item off her to-do list, then remarks that they need help "moving the buffet table." Phoebe hesitantly suggests they wait for Cole, who should be arriving at the manor shortly. Prue looks like she thinks Phoebe's on crack. Phoebe reminds Prue that she knew Cole would be attending the ceremony. Prue snots back that his presence at the ceremony is fine, but the hours leading up to the ceremony are for family only. "Cole is still a demon," she reminds the myriad of Charmed fans whose short-term memories have been fried by overindulgence in marijuana. She remarks further that she doesn't think Piper would approve. Before Prue can dig further into Phoebe's wounded sense of pride with this guilt trip, Piper squeals from the hall. Phoebe and Prue exit the kitchen to find Piper cowering behind the balustrade in curlers and a robe. "It is bad luck to see the bride's dress before the wedding," Piper snits to the Dolt. The Dolt notes that Piper's wearing a robe. Piper tells the Dolt to can it, and scurries back upstairs. The Dolt beams indulgently. Shut up, Dolt. The Dolt tells Prue and Phoebe he needs a place to change into his own robe, which he calls his "formal Whitelighter wear." Phoebe takes the robe from him, telling him they rented him a tuxedo for the occasion. The Dolt looks wounded. Shut up, Dolt.
Daddy Dearest Victor Bennett arrives at that moment, toting a garment bag. Phoebe greets him with a hug and some babbling baby-talk. Vic strides past the Dolt to embrace Prue, barely acknowledging the Dolt's presence. Prue tells Vic and the Dolt she's certain the two have "a lot of joy and laughter to share," and offers to escort them to the gentlemen's staging area. A "dizzy spell" interrupts her, and she sits on the stairs while massaging her temples. Prue blames it on those "dreams" she's been having. The Dolt, concerned, asks Prue to elaborate. Prue, realizing she might endanger the ceremony should she answer honestly, blathers out an "it's nothing, really" excuse that Phoebe picks up on and runs with. Phoebe tells Prue to stay on the stairs to rest up for a bit and leads Vic and the Dolt to the basement. "Get dressed," she orders them, and adds, "no fighting." Vic and the Dolt exchange a few snippy remarks, and we cut back to Phoebe and Prue on the staircase. Phoebe tells Prue they've managed to persuade everyone else that "everything is under control." Phoebe continues that it is now time for Prue to convince her that they do indeed have the situation well in hand. Prue allows that she can't give Phoebe the reassurance she wants. Prue notes that her "dreams" of the last week have been so vivid, she feels as if she's been awake "twenty-four hours a day." Phoebe wonders if "the dream sorcerer" has returned. Prue doesn't think so, but is nonetheless worried. Phoebe and Prue agree to keep their concerns from Piper. Phoebe commandeers the "almighty to-do list" and tells her sister to head to her bedroom to rest. "Don't sleep," she orders. "Just rest." Prue relents, and heads upstairs. Phoebe pauses at the makeshift altar and gazes at her mother's framed photo. "Please help up through this day, Mom," she murmurs, and heads off into the kitchen.
Upstairs, Prue arranges herself on her bed and eventually dozes off. AP Prue materializes in the biker bar to the payphones in the back. For the second week in a row, the ghastly image of Cher is conjured, this time through an actual poster behind AP Prue advertising the "Believe" tour. Unless this bar caters to a certain type of biker -- if you know what I mean -- I find it extremely unlikely that Cher poster would be used for anything but a dartboard target. AP Prue enters the bar proper, and Bobby runs up behind her. He fills her in on the morning's events. She denies killing Harvey, and Bobby tells her that's what he himself told the police. AP Prue asks Bobby why he stuck around after the police left. He tells her he's been waiting for her. He doesn't have her phone number, he explains, and he doesn't even know her name, but he wanted to be there in case she showed up. AP Prue decides this "is the sexiest thing a man's ever done for [her]," and I tell her she really needs to get out of the house more often. AP Prue and Bobby mack. Bobby decides this is the perfect opportunity for AP Prue to start living without responsibilities, and drags her outside to his motorcycle. The bearded biker from earlier eyes them as they leave.
Outside, Whip and a colleague pull up just as AP Prue and Bobby jump onto Bobby's bike. Bobby impudently guns his engine a couple of times. Whip tells Bobby to calm down. Another squad car enters the lot as AP Prue whispers in Bobby's ear, reassuring him she'll be fine. She dismounts after telling Bobby her real name. Whip cuffs her and leads her to his car as we cut back to the manor, where Phoebe attempts to rouse Special Ed Prue. Cut back to the parking lot, where Whip eases AP Prue into the back seat of the cruiser and shuts the door. Cut again to Phoebe, who succeeds in waking Special Ed Prue. AP Prue grunts out an "oh, no" and dematerializes from the cruiser's back seat. Whip opens the door to find the now-empty handcuffs as Reconstituted Prue gasps and bolts upright in her bed. Phoebe stares at Prue, who massages her wrists and mutters another "oh, no." Commercial.
Back from the break, Prue relates the events of her most recent "dream" to Phoebe. Prue can't get her mind off of Bobby, but Phoebe urges her to focus on the somewhat more important detail of Prue's arrest. Prue notes simply that Whip cuffed her, and that's about all she can remember. She does add, however, that the "dream" threatened to "overpower" her; she didn't want to wake from it. Phoebe draws a parallel between Prue's "dreams" and her own premonitions, noting that her visions "pull [her] against [her] will." Prue guesses someone or something is attempting to yank her into a "parallel world or dream dimension." Phoebe suggests they consult the Book of Shadows. As they head into the hallway, Phoebe wonders if they should tell Piper. Prue doesn't want this latest bit of trouble to derail that afternoon's ceremony, and insists that everything will be fine as long as she remains awake. The two agree again to keep their mouths shut "for Piper." Piper overhears this last bit and trundles out into the hallway. "What's wrong?" she demands. "Boy bands," Phoebe splutters. "There's far too many of them, don't you think?" In spite of my better judgment, I snicker. Piper's not buying it. She's been "demon-hunting for three years" with Phoebe and Prue, and can tell they're headed to the attic. Phoebe covers: "Yes, Piper, we were headed to the attic. To find something old, something new…" Prue, continuing with the lie: "Something borrowed and something blue." Prue tells Piper they wanted it all to be a "surprise," but Piper caught them. Piper gives them both the stink-eye.
Prue again insists that nothing is amiss, and that Piper's special day will be "demon-free." At that, Cole squiggles in at Piper's side. Piper shrieks. Cole apologizes for being late as Prue wrinkles her nose in disgust. Cole crosses to Phoebe, who greets him with a kiss, as Prue counter-crosses over to Piper. Cole explains he was waylaid by a "Zotar," but that he managed to lose the demon. "I think," he adds, in a smirking aside to Phoebe. Piper tosses her hands in the air and bitches that she's certain "a demon will attack today," calling it "the natural order of [the sisters'] universe." Phoebe tells Piper she has to "stay positive" and offers Piper her copy of Celine Dion's Behind the Music episode. Prue looks askance at Phoebe as Piper's eyes bulge. "Do you want to be slapped?" Piper growls through clenched teeth at Phoebe. Snerk. Cole tells the three not to worry; he'll be able to handle any demonic threat. Phoebe smacks this idea down, reminding Cole of his self-imposed ban on utilizing his powers. "Think good," she reminds him. Cole reassures the Ps that he is doing just that, and produces a gift for Piper from behind his back. He wings the wrapped box at her. Piper just barely catches it with both hands. Piper and Prue glare.
The gentlemen's staging area in the basement. Victor and the Dolt futz with their respective bow ties. Victor first chides the Dolt for "living off the girls," then dredges up the Whitelighter-as-homewrecker non-plot non-point from last week. The Dolt endures the snarky rant patiently, then turns to confront his soon-to-be father-in-law. The Dolt asserts that the Whitelighter-as-homewrecker non-plot non-point has nothing to do with his relationship with Piper. He insists he will remain with Piper through "this life, the afterlife, and whatever comes after that." He allows that Victor might not be comfortable with the situation, but adds that nothing -- not even Victor's objections -- will keep Piper and the Dolt from marrying that afternoon. Victor, for some reason moved by the Dolt's little speech, shrugs off twenty years of festering resentment and says, "You know? I could probably get used to having a Whitelighter for a son-in-law." Victor helps the Dolt with his tie as Cole makes his way down the cellar stairs. Cole, aiming for "offhanded jocularity" but taking a wrong turn at "desperate overcompensation," too-perkily asks, "Everybody having fun down here?" The Dolt, to Victor: "Where do you stand on demons?" Ba-dump-bump. Not.
Cut to the hallway. Prue bounds down the stairs from the attic. Phoebe asks if the BoS had anything to say about Prue's "dreams." Prue sighs that the BoS did not. Phoebe wonders what they should do, given that "the wedding is in a half an hour." "Get ready, get set, get through it," Prue replies, "for Piper." "For Piper," Phoebe states in agreement, and they head off to their respective bedrooms.
Piper's boudoir. Piper's finally changed into her dress, and stands by the bed, fiddling with an earring. The dress itself is pretty simple: a full tulle skirt with medium-length train under a high-necked, sleeveless lace bodice. It's white, and while I may be tempted to make a remark about the appropriateness of that, given Piper's habit of freezing you-know-who you-know-where while engaged in ungodly acts of you-know-what, who am I to deny her a white wedding? Piper moves to the mirror, still adjusting the earring. While Piper's attention is diverted, glowing golf balls swirl, then fade to reveal Finola Hughes, whom I know better as Anna Scorpio from General Hospital. Yes, I used to watch that show. Shut up. ["Me too. Remember when she peeled off the fake scar and Robert -- er. Shut up." -- Sars] Finola gently tells Piper that she looks "so beautiful." Piper starts at the sound of Finola's voice, and whispers a plaintive "Mom?" So this would be Patty. Patty tells Piper she should not be frightened. Piper hesitantly turns to face her mother. "It can't be," Piper says. "Ghosts glow, and you're not glowing." Patty reveals she's not a ghost -- for today, at any rate -- and that TPTB decided to allow her to return to Earth for the ceremony as compensation for everything TPTB put Piper and the Dolt through over the last couple of years. Patty notes that Piper has styled her hair the same way Patty wore hers on her own wedding day. Piper confirms this, telling her mother she kept the wedding album after her mother's death, and would page through it at night as if it were "a bedtime story." Aw. Patty smoothes a stray lock of her daughter's hair into place as Piper struggles to keep from bursting into tears. Patty tells Piper she knew Piper would be the first to walk down the aisle, as Piper "is the heart of [their] family." Patty's large teeth are beginning to creep me out. Piper wonders if she's imagining the entire exchange. Patty and her large teeth assure Piper that she's not, and Patty pulls Piper into an embrace. Piper's composure begins to fail her as she lets go with a couple of shuddering sobs.
Phoebe and Prue enter Piper's room, and stop short in surprise. Piper tells them Patty is real, and fills her sisters in on TPTB's "gift" for the ceremony. Prue slowly approaches her mother. "It's been so hard on you," Patty states. "Unfair." Prue stammers out a "yeah," then corrects herself, telling her mother she simply wanted to honor Patty's memory. See what they did there? Huh? Did you? Okay, I'll shut up. Patty says that Prue did a better job keeping the family together than Patty herself ever would have managed to do, and the two embrace. Patty then moves to Phoebe. Patty expresses regret that she died when Phoebe was too young to remember her, and allows that Phoebe's had the roughest journey to adulthood of any of the three sisters. Patty tells the three she never really worried about them, though. "I had a premonition the day you were born," she says to Phoebe. The premonition was of that very moment, of the four of them reunited on Piper's wedding day. "What did you see ?" Phoebe asks. "I held you," Patty replies, and pulls the three Ps into a group hug. Nary a dry eye in Piper's boudoir, and while I can't say this scene was particularly well-written, I have to admit it was well played by all four women, especially Holly Marie Combs.
Cut to the wedding altar downstairs. Grams, wearing a smart peach suit with a pearl choker, enters in a swirl of glowing golf balls. She claps her hands and calls out, "Places! Places, everyone!" Victor, the Dolt, Cole, Phoebe, and Prue arrange themselves in front of the altar. The bridesmaid's dresses are pretty low-key: simple, dark pink, chiffon-and-satin sheaths. Almost -- dare I say it? -- tasteful. The doorbell rings. Prue tells everyone to ignore it, but Piper calls down from upstairs, wondering who is going to answer the door. Phoebe and Prue hustle over to find Detective Darryl on the porch. Prue chides him for being late. Darryl tells her he was busy "saving [her] ass," and informs her she's wanted for murder. Prue shuts him down, insisting that they proceed with the wedding before dealing with any other issues. "For Piper," she finishes. "For Piper," Phoebe agrees. Darryl stands there, slackjawed. "You were supposed to say, 'For Piper,'" Phoebe hisses. Darryl rolls his eyes and tells the two they have to hurry. Grams calls the three back to the ceremony, then instructs Victor to make room for Patty. Awkward greeting noises between Victor and Patty before Victor snippily demands, "All right. Who brought my ex-wife back from the dead?" Snerk. Grams: "I know you two have issues, but that's what the reception is for." Snicker. More Grams, please. A lot more. This show desperately needs an Endora figure. Grams TKs the CD player shut, and Piper descends the stairs to Pachelbel's Canon, as she did way back in the aborted wedding featured at the close of "Magic Hour." She should have known better than to choose the same music, as we shall see presently. Victor meets Piper at the foot of the stairs and escorts her to the altar as Phoebe enthuses, "We did it. It's really happening."
Cue the sound of a gunning motorcycle engine. Bobby bursts through the manor doors on his Harley, and what follows is a slow-motion wedding-disaster sequence that amused me to no end. I really need to adjust my medications. Grams gasps in blue-blooded horror and clutches her pearls. Piper turns in time to see the wheels of Bobby's Harley catching and shredding one of the white swags from the hallway arch. The Dolt gapes. Bobby's back wheel overturns a pillar and a table as he spins his bike around, shattering champagne glasses and vases on the floor. Piper's jaw drops in abject outrage as her eyes widen in utter disbelief. Bobby switches into real time and calls out for Prue. Prue collapses into Phoebe's arms. AP Prue appears at Bobby's side and leaps onto the motorcycle behind him. AP Prue thanks Bobby for showing up as Special Ed Prue lies lifeless on the floor. Bobby tells AP Prue he couldn't let the police arrest her, and guns his engine again. Piper, apoplectic: "What the hell is going on here?" Phoebe, useless: "Prue, you get your astral ass back here!" Demian, despite himself: "Woo hoo!" Bobby tears out the front door with AP Prue, toppling the three-tiered wedding cake in the process. Cole nervously clears his throat and adjusts his jacket. Grams goggles, looking for all the world as if she has swallowed a slug. Piper slams her bouquet into the Dolt's chest, hyperventilating as she approaches the ruined cake. Phoebe makes soothing noises in the background, to no avail. Piper draws herself up and announces, "That's it. The wedding is off." I resist making an "of course it's off -- it's between a witch and a dead guy" unfunny, and fail. Piper rips off her veil and tosses it aside as she gathers up her train to step over Special Ed Prue, who remains splayed on the hall floor. Phoebe steps over Special Ed Prue to rush after Piper, urging Piper to reconsider, and we cut to commercial.
Manor hallway. Piper struggles with a sweater as she stomps to the front door. Phoebe asks her to stay, telling her they'll "find a way" to get through the current mess. Piper shoots back that she "shouldn't have to 'find a way' to get married on [her] wedding day." The Dolt offers more words of reassurance, but Piper's had it. She apologizes, claims AP Prue's antics are "the final straw," and flounces out. In the parlor, Victor places the unconscious Special Ed Prue on a sofa. Special Ed Prue twitches a bit, as if in resentment. Shut up, Special Ed Prue. Phoebe tries to rouse her, but Patty tells Phoebe she won't succeed. "A part of Prue wanted to escape," Patty explains, "and it used her astral self to do it." Grams takes her leave, explaining that she can't stay if the wedding is cancelled. Victor proposes that Piper is right -- that TPTB are indicating that the marriage is destined to fail. The Dolt tells Victor to cram it. Phoebe mewls a line about how Piper and the Dolt's "love has touched [them] all." Darryl's beeper chirps, and he leaves to "head off the posse." Victor asks Darryl to explain, and Darryl drops the bomb about the biker-bar slaying. Phoebe reminds them all that the Prue they know is incapable of murder. Cole asks, "Are you sure? Prue's astral form seems to have taken on a life of its own." Phoebe shuts Cole down, insisting she knows Prue better than he does. The Dolt finally leaps into action. He tells Patty and Victor to find Piper, he instructs Phoebe to research a spell to recall AP Prue, and he informs Cole that he and Cole will "do a little research of [their] own." The Polish Princess snorts and rolls his eyes at this, wondering when TPTB repealed the law that forbade Whitelighters and demons from working with each other. I tell the Polish Princess he's expecting far too much if he wants continuity out of this show. The five exit the parlor, leaving Special Ed Prue alone on the couch.
Biker bar. Cole and the Dolt squiggle and orb in respectively to the payphones. How Frank and Joe Hardly knew to visit this particular biker bar in search of Harve's real killer is beyond me. They move slowly through the crowd, warily eyeing the assortment of white trash on display. Cole says he can "sense" the presence of a human killer. The bearded witness from earlier passes in front of the boys, wearing an Army surplus jacket. Cole tells the Dolt Army Surplus is "a killer," though he can't be certain Army Surplus is the murderer they're looking for. Cole sends the Dolt off to find Detective Darryl.
P3. Patty and Victor snipe at each other as they enter. Patty accuses Victor of "always [managing] to say the wrong thing" to their daughters when the three Ps were children. Victor counters that Patty makes that claim only because she tried to raise the Ps "as witches, rather than as little girls." They stop arguing to gaze guiltily at the downcast Piper, who perches forlornly on a stool at the bar. They walk over to Piper as she apologizes "for letting everybody down." Patty tries to comfort her, telling Piper she should be proud she and the Dolt made it as far as they did. Piper dismisses this, noting, "As Halliwells, we are blessed as witches, but cursed as women." I seem to recall the exact same line being deployed in a conversation between Phoebe and Grams during that hour-long crapfest otherwise known as "Magic Hour," but I'm too lazy to look it up. Piper tells her parents she thinks of both their failed marriage and the numerous marital mishaps Grams endured, and winds up supposing the women of her family "are destined to end up alone." Patty splutters a bit, not knowing how to respond. Victor steps in, asking Piper if she thinks he and her mother were "cursed." Piper hems and haws a bit over that question. Victor tells Piper that, despite the failure of his marriage, that marriage did manage to produce something good: Piper and her sisters. Perhaps his personal "destiny" was simply to be their father. Piper smiles sadly at this and apologizes again, telling her parents she needs to spend some time alone. Piper disappears into the back room as Patty turns to Victor with, "Not bad for a guy who always says the wrong thing." Victor thanks his dead ex-wife and adds, "I just wish I knew that it helped."
Manor parlor. Phoebe leafs through the BoS and lands on a page that captures her attention. "Gotcha!" she says, and we cut to AP Prue straddling Bobby beneath a tree. Get your minds out of the gutter: they're both fully clothed. AP Prue, however, is doing her best to rectify that situation, unbuttoning Bobby's shirt as they flirt. Bobby wants to know how long AP Prue will "stick around this time." AP Prue asks him what he means. Bobby wants to know if she's going to vanish on him again. AP Prue can't say for certain, as she's "living moment-to-moment" now that she's "free for the first time in [her] life." Bobby has no problem with that, and they mack. Shimmering noises intrude, and AP Prue dismounts Bobby to hide in the bushes. AP Prue latches onto a tree trunk and shouts that she will not allow herself to be pulled away.
Guess again, sweetie. AP Prue dematerializes from the underbrush and pops up in the manor parlor. Phoebe, jaw set, slams the BoS shut with, "Neat spell, huh?" The two get up in each other's business. Phoebe demands to know what AP Prue thinks she's doing. AP Prue tells Phoebe to leave her the hell alone, and refuses to reconnect with Special Ed Prue. "I'm never going back," AP Prue insists, stomping out to the front door. Phoebe grabs her, and AP Prue tosses her to the floor. Phoebe retaliates by slinging AP Prue into an armchair. AP Prue announces that she's had enough of Special Ed Prue's life of duty. She wants a life of her own, one in which she is free to do as she pleases. Phoebe plays the responsibility card. AP Prue throws it back in her face, snarking that Phoebe was hardly behaving responsibly when she fell in love with a demon. "Oh, please," Phoebe snorts. "You have got to let this whole Cole thing go. You can't stay mad at me forever." Word. AP Prue reveals that she was never angry with Phoebe for Cole. She was, in fact, "rooting" for Phoebe. Special Ed Prue was the one with all the problems.
Phoebe, seriously unsettled over this whole "Two Faces of Prue" thing, asks AP Prue to explain herself further. AP Prue reveals that she's tired of watching her sisters lead the sorts of lives she wants for herself. She's tired of sublimating her desires for the greater good. The lonely little lightbulb in the dank recesses of Phoebe's brain glows a bit, and she notes that AP Prue initially escaped Special Ed Prue during a "dream state, when the subconscious took over." AP Prue wants to know what the big deal with that is. Phoebe, fumbling around in her brain with both hands for the rusted file cabinet labeled "Psych 101," tells AP Prue she represents Prue's Id while Special Ed Prue represents her Ego. Jesus. Phoebe, if you want to throw around faulty pop psychology, start by tossing it at Piper. After all, she's the one with the child-of-divorce intimacy issues. Anyway, long story short, AP Prue and Special Ed Prue have to stop fighting each other to ensure Reconstituted Prue's happiness. AP Prue smiles sadly, silently agreeing with this assessment. She then shamefacedly asks if Piper is "very mad" at her. Phoebe gently notes, "Yes," but reassures AP Prue that Piper will come around. Piper and Phoebe have "passion and purpose" in their lives, and they owe it all to Prue. "You took care of us," Phoebe tells her, "and now it's time to take care of you." AP Prue processes this for a bit, then dematerializes to rejoin Special Ed Prue. Reconstituted Prue stirs and pulls herself up to thank Phoebe for the chat. Phoebe says, basically, "Any time." The two then rise to evaluate the wedding ruins. As they wonder how to make things right with Piper, the lights cut out. "What now?" Phoebe groans. I'd offer Phoebe two words, those words being "rolling blackout," but I'd be wrong. The front doors burst open, and what appears to be an entire SWAT team storms in. Whip follows with a flashlight. He shines the light in Prue's face, telling her she's "under arrest for murder." Cut to Prue's expression of dismay, then cut to commercial.
Fade up on a disheveled and dejected Prue still clad in her bridesmaid's gown, standing behind a police marker. An Asian-American cop fires off a couple of mug shots, then leads her to an interrogation room. He tells her to wait for the inspector, and leaves her there alone. Prue gazes at her reflection in the two-way mirror and sighs, "This is all our fault."
Biker bar. The Dolt returns with Darryl in tow. They walk over to Cole, and the Dolt fills him in on Prue's booking. Darryl asks Cole to point out the real killer. Cole, slugging back a shot of whiskey, casually informs Darryl that he's not sure if Army Surplus is the man they want. "You mean you don't know?" Darryl blithers in frustration. Um, yeah, Wundercop. That's pretty much what Cole means. Darryl asks if Cole proposes to ask Army Surplus flat-out if he knifed Harvey the night before. Cole thinks that's a pretty good idea. The three avoid Army Surplus's stone-faced glare as he leaves the bar for a cigarette. Damn. I'd forgotten you couldn't smoke in bars in California. Also: Damn. They made the bad guy a smoker. Bite me and my Marlboro Reds, oh mighty Charmed production staff. Cole rises to follow the Evil Smoker, instructing Darryl and the Dolt to follow him in five minutes. Outside, Cole approaches the Evil Smoker and, by way of small talk, wonders if they're standing where Harve's body was found that morning. The Evil Smoker asks Cole why he's interested. Cole replies he wants to find out what the Evil Smoker knows about the murder. The Evil Smoker asks for a badge. Cole tells him he's not a cop, he's "a fortune teller," and he predicts the Evil Smoker will confess to the crime. The Evil Smoker tells Cole to go blow, and moves to reenter the bar. Cole grabs him by the shoulder. The Evil Smoker flips Cole into a motorcycle, then flicks open a switchblade. Cole rises to his feet, and he and the Evil Smoker circle each other cautiously. Cole guesses the switchblade is the same one used to kill Harvey. The Evil Smoker responds by lunging at Cole's stomach with the knife. Cole grips the Evil Smoker's wrist and twists the blade out of the Evil Smoker's grip. Cole tells the Evil Smoker he has "one more chance to confess to the police." "Or what?" the Evil Smoker asks. At that, Cole morphs up into Belthazor and places the Evil Smoker in a chokehold. "Or deal with me," Belthazor growls. Darryl and the Dolt burst out of the door at that moment. Darryl draws his gun as Belthazor spins the Evil Smoker to face them. "I think he's ready to talk," Belthazor says. Darryl gawps at the Dolt, who merely shrugs his shoulders.
Back at the manor, Patty does her best to restore the top tier of the mangled wedding cake. The Dolt wonders where Prue could be, given that the police should have released her from custody now that they have the Evil Smoker behind bars. Cole suggests the police might still be holding her on the earlier charge of "escaping custody." Victor, shining a flashlight on his dead ex-wife's handiwork with the cake, asks if they can turn the lights back on. Phoebe replies in the negative, noting that the SWAT team "cut the power line." Grams reenters in a swirl of glowing golf balls to tell Patty TPTB are calling her home. Phoebe protests they still have "five more minutes" before the witching hour hits. This would be midnight to you and me, by the way. Victor regrets not being able to convince Piper to rethink her decision about the wedding. Patty reassures her live ex-husband that what he did say to their daughter was "perfect." Prue and Darryl enter the manor, followed by Piper. "Don't look so shocked," Piper smirks at the Dolt as she sweeps past him toward the altar. Grams announces, "It's showtime!"
Prue assists Piper with her veil as Piper takes her place to the Dolt. Victor sidles up to the Dolt, offering his services as best man, which the Dolt happily accepts. Piper beams. Phoebe worries that with no power in the manor, they won't have any music for the ceremony. Grams tosses a little TK at the wind chimes, which proceed to tinkle out Pachelbel's Canon. Prue, grinning, slyly asks if they could get better lighting as well. The Dolt complies with her request, popping a white ball from his hand towards the ceiling. The ball breaks off into five shimmering segments that form a sparkly, cascading Whitelighter chandelier. Grams clears her throat to begin the Handfasting ritual. Because I am so devoted to you, my dear, sweet readers, I will transcribe what is said, despite the fact it all threatens to make me violently ill. Grams tells the assemblage they are "gathered [there] today to unite two souls as one." She asks Piper and the Dolt if they "join [the ceremony] of their own free will to acknowledge the eternal bond shared by both of [them]." Piper and the Dolt respond, "I do," in turn. Grams tells them to face each other and hold hands. She then instructs the Dolt to recite his vows.
The Dolt: "Piper, through all the tears and struggles, I always knew in my heart we would make it here. I promise to love and respect you from this point forward as your husband, as my wife, my lover, my friend, and my [Do I really have to type this crap?] soul mate. [Christ on a stick. I feel so unclean.] All I am is yours."
Okay, I'll allow that the "all I am is yours" bit is sweet, but he just had to frigging go there with that "soul mate" bullshit. I weep for the preadolescent girls who believe in that crap. Anyway, Grams turns to Piper, telling her it's her turn. Let's listen in:
Piper: "Leo, you are the best thing that has ever happened to me. [I wouldn't brag about that if I were you, sweetpea.] I was afraid that you were too good to be true [Not.], that maybe I didn't deserve someone so pure and beautiful and loving [And boring and dull-witted and charm-free and…oops. I digress.] as you are. Yet here we are, surrounded by the people I love the most [Note: they inserted a glamour shot of Finola Hughes on this line. Her teeth continue their reign of terror.], and I feel so proud and so blessed to be your wife. Leo, I was born to love you, and I always will."
Hey, Brad Kern. Paul Stupin called. He's waiting for his residual check for that "I was born to love you" crap you ripped straight from the Faithless Hussy's vows in the season three finale ofDawson's Creek. Grams continues, "Here, before witnesses, Leo and Piper have sworn their vows to each other. With this cord, I bind them to those vows." Grams TKs a thin, white silken rope that winds itself around the clasped hands of Piper and the Dolt. The newlyweds recite, "Heart to thee, body to thee, always and forever, so would it be." The last four words are repeated first by Grams, then by the assembled witnesses. The reconstructed grandfather clock in the hall chimes midnight. Grams urges the Dolt to "kiss [Piper] fast." He bursts into a wide, toothy smile and does so as the five facets of the Whitelighter chandelier explode into shimmering, cascading points of light above their heads. Victor shares a tender moment with his dead ex-wife. Cole, Darryl, Phoebe, and Prue gaze up at the cascade of light, all four grinning broadly. Grams, all WASPily verklempt, blows a two-handed kiss into the camera. We cut back to Piper and the Dolt still macking their merry way through their moment of triumph, and we then slowly fade to black.
week: a rerun of "Sight Unseen" for those of you who missed the Single White Female rip-off the first time it aired. No new episodes until mid-March. Wish me well on my job hunt, kids, and have fun.