P3 After Dark. We get an endless series of shots of gyrating white yuppies, followed by a cut to a nebbishy, chipmunk-faced twentysomething leaning against the bar. I'll call him Alvin until told otherwise. Piper pokes her head out from behind a purple drapery to eye him. "What's up with the 'hide-and-go-peek'?" perks Phoebe from behind her sister. Piper tells Phoebe that Alvin is "still staring" at her. Phoebe evaluates Alvin briefly and tells Piper, "That's not staring. That's flirting." "You say to-may-to," Piper replies and turns to retake her place on the Grams Halliwell Memorial Club Loveseat. Phoebe teases Piper a bit about the apparently love-struck Alvin, but Piper shuts her down, reminding Phoebe that the Dolt has already beat Alvin -- or any other twentysomething nebbish for that matter -- to Piper's exclusive cookie jar. Piper, as usual, looks sleekly conservative in this evening's club wear. Phoebe, as usual, looks like a nitwit. Her dyed locks are curled and teased up into a 'do reminiscent of Angela Lansbury's from her days as Mrs. Lovett in Sweeney Todd, and it looks like she stole her jacket from the section of the Grease wardrobe truck reserved for the Pink Ladies. I want to promise I'll not make another musical theater reference for the remainder of this recap, but I know myself too well. The previews for tonight's episode already tossed me into a couple Annie flashbacks.
Prue bounds up at that moment, her unfettered boobs jiggling lewdly beneath her backless, strapless wrap top. Prue "need[s] some professional help," and if you ask me, professional help for Prue is long overdue. Start with an image consultant, hon. You're in desperate need of some assistance with that wardrobe of yours. Prue asks for Piper's DJ. Piper replies that he's on break at the moment, and wonders what Prue wants from him. Prue explains that she has a song stuck in her head, which she finds is immensely irritating. I can sympathize, because I've had "It's a Hard Knock Life" stuck in mine ever since I typed that bit about the Annie flashbacks above. Phoebe sympathizes as well, noting she had "the theme song from The Facts of Life stuck in [her] head for three years." Thanks for nothing, Phoebe. "You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and there you have…" I'm in a pre-adolescent female hell right now. Anyway, Prue hopes that the DJ will be able to identify the tune. Piper suggests that Prue sing it for her sisters, as she and Phoebe might be able to recognize it. After a bit of hesitation, Prue hums out a tuneless series of notes. Piper is of no help, and Phoebe suggests Prue try it again, this time with "more oomph," "choreography," and Piper backing Prue up with "a little old-school beat box." This isn't Popstars, you dimwit. Although going from Pamie's description of the outfits some of those would-be "superstahs" were wearing in the premiere, neither Prue nor Phoebe would be out of place on that show, given their current get-ups. Prue snits that she knew her sisters would be no help and heads off in search of the DJ.
Piper and a smirking Phoebe jump up from the sofa to follow Prue, and stop her at the bar. Piper hands Prue an invitation they've received from Justin Harper, last week's convertible-driving slab of manmeat for Prue. It seems he would be honored by the presence of the three Halliwells at his family's annual barbecue. Phoebe thinks this would be fun, but Prue begs to differ. As she and Justin are still in the "flirtatious banter stage" of their relationship, Prue feels that meeting his entire family at this point might be counterproductive. Phoebe asks Prue if that's the only reason Prue has for avoiding the Harpers' party, wondering if the problem is really Prue's aversion to the idea of a "big family gathering." Prue tells her sisters they shouldn't bother playing the "Prue-has-parental-issues card," and Piper replies that while all of them find it difficult to see intact families in action, they shouldn't waste their time trying to avoid such situations. Contrivance calls from Sars's apartment in New York City, where he's taken up residence for the remainder of the current television season, and apologizes for not being able to make it to Chicago to guide me through this episode. I thank him for his unwarranted concern, reassure him that I'm perfectly capable of seeing through this tiresome sham without his help, tell him he really should be helping out with the housework while he's staying there, and hang up. Prue tells her sisters the only problem she has at the moment is the damn song spinning through her head, dismissively hands the invitation back to Piper, and resumes her search for the DJ.
As Prue, humming the insistent tune to herself, maneuvers her way through the gyrating white yuppies, we cut to a shot of an ice-cream truck that is piping out the same sequence of notes. The truck parks in a dark, forbidding alley -- as if there is any other kind of alley on this show -- and an Aryan tot approaches the windows. "Would you like some ice cream, little one?" the man inside asks, managing to sound like the stereotypical nightmare of a demonic child molester from Hell we're all supposed to think he is. The Hitler Jugend replies in the affirmative. The shaved head of the Ice-Cream Molester emerges from a haze of dry-ice fog to reply, "You didn't say, 'Please.'" The camera pulls into distorted close-up of the Nazi's screaming face, and we cut to the opening credits.
Back from the commercials, we're treated to another endless series of establishing shots, this time of the San Francisco skyline making the transition from night to dawn as "Tonight and the Rest of My Life" by Nina Gordon plays. If anyone can convincingly explain to me what relevance that song has to this episode, I'll send you the calendar of scantily-clad "starlets" that came with the Alyssa Milano edition of For Him Magazine. You know you want it -- Shannen Doherty is Miss November. Cut to the Halliwell manor. Upstairs, a distressingly sweaty Prue lies in her bed, grunting her way through a nightmare we see and hear in a series of sepia-toned flashes. A playground, shrouded in snow. Children squealing in fright. A small dark-haired girl running into the protective arms of a father type. The digital alarm on Prue's nightstand blares at that moment, and Prue bolts upright, panting. She slams her hand down on the snooze button, and sweatily pants some more. Not an image I ever needed to see.
Cut to the manor porch. Prue bends to retrieve the morning paper, then rises, warily eyeing the empty sunlit street as the Ice-Cream Molester's theme song tinkles in the background. Prue has slung her tits into a backless, braless, string-tied paisley atrocity that she apparently intends to wear to the office. We have rules about such attire where I work. As in, showing up in such attire gets you canned. Prue turns and reenters the manor, slamming the door shut behind her.
Cut to the kitchen, where Phoebe sits at the table with her Macintosh laptop, studying the little fact sheet she's compiled on Cole. It's nothing we haven't heard, though it does remind us that his parents' names are Benjamin and Elizabeth. One is listed as a member of the state assembly, while the other is a demon. I'd make a joke about not being able to tell one from the other, but we already know which is which. Phoebe mutters under her breath, "Come on, Cole. Talk to me." Prue enters, makes note of the dregs sloshing around in the bottom of the coffeepot, and asks Phoebe if she pulled "another all-nighter." Phoebe has, and notes her "subject matter has been elusive." As Phoebe shuts Cole's fact sheet, an instant message from "An Old Friend" pops up on screen. Prue, hearing the IM notification sound, wonders who's contacting Phoebe. Phoebe replies that it's "nothing," and eases the laptop shut. Prue teasingly interprets "nothing" as "something, and something usually means a boy." Prue sits down at the table to Phoebe, the mildly-taunting grin on her mug making her look like a toad.
The two are interrupted by Piper, who trundles into the kitchen with "I don't know what you two are talking about, but what I've got is better. At least, bizarrer." Prue wonders if "bizarrer" is a word, but Piper tells her to can it. Seems one of their childhood friends spotted "Victor" the day before in the lobby of the Bay Tech building. "Dad Victor?" Phoebe asks, and Piper confirms this, speed-talking her way through the unnecessary exposition: they haven't seen him in years, and he's now apparently back in town. What are they going to do? Prue votes for doing nothing, emphatically claiming her utter disinterest in their father's presence in the city. Phoebe calls Prue on this, stating she can't believe Prue isn't even a little interested in finding out what Victor has been doing these last few years. Prue firmly reiterates that she came to terms with their non-"Rockwellian" family life a long time ago, and tells Piper and Phoebe that they don't need their father in their lives. They have each other, she argues, as well as a wide variety of people who care for them, and they don't need Victor hanging around. Prue rises to retrieve her car keys to head off for the office, and arranges to meet Phoebe for lunch in the park on Nob Hill. Piper leaves with Prue as Phoebe eases the laptop open again to check the "Old Friend's" instant message.
Cut to the 415 magazine building. Prue's crammed into the back of an overcrowded elevator car. She impatiently checks her watch, then hears someone in the elevator humming the Ice-Cream Molester's theme song. Prue eyes the other occupants. A Fed Ex deliveryman starts whistling the same series of notes, but Prue can't spot the person who's humming. The elevator stops on the ninth floor, and we see that the person humming is actually a tubby, bespectacled, frizzy-haired child, who exits with her mother. Neither the child nor her mother should be wearing those horizontal stripes. I'm just saying. Prue tries to push her way out to confront the child about the little ditty, but the doors shut before she can get off the elevator. Prue glares.
Cut to the lobby of the Bay Tech Building, which is decorated with a full-scale reproduction of Rodin's The Thinker. Piper enters, again conservatively clad in a fuzzy black angora sweater over a beige, ankle-length skirt, and nervously approaches the receptionist. She begins to introduce herself, then starts babbling. "You don't really care who I am, do you? I mean, everybody else is on lunch break, and you're stuck here fielding questions from people who probably shouldn't even be asking them in the first place." The visibly unnerved receptionist cuts her short: "Can I actually help you?" Piper asks for the name of the company that employs Victor Bennet. The receptionist checks her records, and tells Piper she has no listing for a Victor Bennet. Perhaps because, as long-time viewers of this show have noted on the forums, Piper's father's name is actually Victor Jones. Piper produces a photo of Victor and asks the receptionist if she's seen him. Before the exasperated receptionist can tell Piper to go far, far away, Piper spots a middle-aged man exiting an elevator, and scampers off after him, calling, "Dad!" The man turns, and, of course, he is not her father. Piper apologizes, and turns to scan the crowd in the lobby once more.
Phoebe and Prue, lunching al fresco, with Prue describing the story idea she pitched that morning at the magazine. Phoebe interrupts with, "You're dodging." Phoebe means, of course, that Prue is dodging the issue of their father's rumored return to San Francisco. The conversation that follows is so drawn out and dull that I repeatedly check the backs of my hands to make sure liver spots aren't forming. Parental-issues chatter. Prue insists her feelings about Victor abandoning the family are firmly in the past where they belong. Phoebe doesn't believe her. Before I turn my laptop into a pillow for my weary, weary head, Prue hears the Molester Theme again. She leaps to her feet to search out the source as a confused Phoebe follows behind. They find a brunette moppet idly humming the tune on the other side of the fountain as she absent-mindedly toys with the creepy silver head protruding from the fountain wall. Prue gently asks the girl where she heard the song, and the child points to the conveniently-passing Ice-Cream Truck of Pedophilia and Demonic Doom. Phoebe attempts to turn the conversation back to the father issue as the girl scampers off after the truck. Prue finds this a little suspicious, given the cold weather and the total lack of parental supervision, and takes off after the girl.
Phoebe chases after Prue, wondering what the hell is wrong with her sister. Prue remarks that the whole situation strikes her as being off, and that she feels a "déjà vu" coming on. They continue their pursuit as we cut to the child approaching the truck's window. Phoebe and Prue approach just as the Molester yanks the screaming girl in through the window. Phoebe and Prue grab the child's legs and haul her back out. The three crash to the ground, and as they stagger to their feet, the Molester pops his head out through the dry-ice fog. He eyes them briefly, then disappears back into the truck. Prue, Phoebe, and the child are then sucked into the truck, and we cut to commercial.
Back from the break, there's a brief establishing shot of the truck exterior, and then we're in Molesterland with Phoebe and Prue. If it looks a bit familiar, it's because it's the same world from Prue's earlier nightmare: ice-encrusted swingsets, snow-laden pine trees, flurries drifting down from the sky. A cold wind howls through from time to time. This and all other scenes in this alternate dimension are shot through a distorting blue filter and then overexposed for added "effect." Prue and Phoebe quickly evaluate their situation, noting they've somehow lost the girl with whom they entered this world. They hear a menacing roar, and there's a series of quick jump-cuts as they wheel around, looking for the source of the noise. Just as Prue notes that "if there's a way in, there's definitely a way out," the Molester howls up behind them, demanding that they tell him who they are. Remember that. Prue attempts to TK him, but the two Ps realize they've lost their powers in Molesterland. The Molester eyes a swirling black disturbance developing in the sky above, and runs off. The wind picks up as Phoebe guesses that the Molester was not fleeing from the sisters. They make to scamper away themselves, but are stopped by a boy who pleads for help. The boy, who I'm calling Old Navy because of his sleeveless black performance fleece, tells Phoebe and Prue he's trying to get away from "The Nothing." Phoebe asks him if he means the Molester. Old Navy tells them The Nothing is a mysterious and unpredictable force that comes out of, well, nowhere, and snatches its victims to, um, somewhere, leaving "nothing" where the victim had been standing. The writers are getting terribly sloppy with their cosmology here.
Old Navy leads Prue and Phoebe to a hiding place, telling them that The Nothing's arrival is imminent. The girl the sisters had tried to protect from the Molester runs out from behind a tree at that moment, and crashes into the snow. Prue moves to drag the girl into the hiding place just as that swirling black sphincter in the sky sucks the child up, leaving -- wait for it -- nothing where the child had been. Don't worry. I'll not be typing "swirling black sphincter in the sky" again. From here on out, it's "The Nothing." Phoebe dashes out and hauls Prue back into the hiding place. Distorted shots of the frozen playground. Prue's distressed that she was unable to save the girl. Old Navy asks the sisters if they mean to save all of the children caught in Molesterland, guessing that if the Molester doesn't want the Ps there, it must be because Phoebe and Prue have the ability to rescue the kids. Phoebe and Prue eye each other uneasily as Old Navy leads them away from the playground.
P3. Piper, on the bar's cordless, is leaving Prue "another message," and notes that she hasn't been able to contact Phoebe either. Alvin enters sheepishly, and Piper hangs up the phone. Alvin introduces himself as "Caleb," and Piper warily shakes his hand. Caleb announces that he's "new in town" and that he's "looking to meet somebody." Piper hems and haws. Caleb apologizes for interrupting Piper's phone conversation. Piper lies to him, telling him she was talking to her "fiancé." She suggests that Caleb might be more interested in meeting one of her single sisters. Caleb enthusiastically digests this bit of information, and asks Piper if her fiancé enjoys hanging out with her sisters as well. Piper doesn't want this apparent one-way ticket to the Duchy of Kink, and suggests Caleb try the club "down the street." "They have cages and rubber floors and three-for-two specials on Fridays." Whatever. Caleb begins to tell Piper she has the wrong idea, but then scrapes together enough change to buy a clue. He apologizes, tells her he'll be back later, and leaves. Piper calls Prue again.
Molesterland. Phoebe asks Old Navy where he's taking them, since the frozen playground they've arrived at looks just like the one they left. Old Navy exposits that all places in Molesterland look the same, the better for The Nothing to confuse those trapped there. And the better for the production staff to save money on building additional sets. Phoebe bats Piper on the arm and snits, "Why couldn't you get a boy-band song in your head like everybody else?" Okay, you got me. Snicker. They quiz Old Navy on the Molester. Old Navy doesn't know much about him -- only that the Molester is the reason they're all trapped in Molesterland. Old Navy then makes excited noises, telling Phoebe and Prue how happy the others will be to see them. Phoebe tells Old Navy to lead the way, but as she grabs onto the swingset, she's flung into a vision. Even I am amazed that it took the writers less than seven minutes to forget about that whole "we have no powers here" thing from the last segment. The vision, again, is the same as part of Prue's earlier nightmare. A brown-haired girl cries, "Daddy!" and rushes through a swingset into her father's protective arms as he assures her she's okay. Daddy is Barbara Hershey's two-timing husband from Beaches. Prue asks Phoebe what she saw. Phoebe tells her that she saw Prue, as a child, in that playground with their father.
Cut to the manor, where the mantel clock reads 11 PM. Piper calls for the Dolt, who orbs in behind her. Piper snippily chides him for not answering her call earlier. The Dolt tells her it wouldn't be fair to his "other clients" if he orbed out every time she summoned him. Piper cuts to the chase, asking the Dolt to perform a psychic scan for Phoebe and Prue, as they've been missing since lunch. The Dolt thinks really hard for a moment, then draws a blank. Duh. They realize that Phoebe and Prue have simply "disappeared."
Molesterland. Prue and Phoebe stand in the clearing with the remaining children, three in number. In addition to Old Navy, we have a braided brunette and another boy. As the Molester peers through some snow-covered pine branches at the assemblage, Phoebe and Prue sputter through a plan of action. Prue spots the Molester, and she and Phoebe chase after him. He leads them to "another clearing," gazes at them, then disappears behind "some different" trees. Phoebe and Prue notice that the "new slide" contains a portal that will lead them back to the city. They call for the kids, and start hustling them up the slide and out into the street. The Molester darts back in, screaming, "No!" which only makes Phoebe and Prue speed things up. The last two out, Phoebe and Prue leap to the ground outside the truck, and trundle the children off to the side. The Molester pops out at that moment and grabs Old Navy by his lapels. Old Navy grins and telepathically scorches the Molester's hands. Old Navy pushes the wailing Molester back into the truck and slams the door shut. Prue and Phoebe, having seen this, gaze open-mouthed at Old Navy. Phoebe mutters, "Oh, my God." "Actually," Old Navy replies, dropping his voice a couple of distorted and processed octaves, "quite the opposite." Prue tells Phoebe they need to keep Old Navy away from the other kids. Old Navy notes that the others won't listen to the sisters, as the Ps "are not the boss [sic] of them." He moves to the other childrens' side and tells them to "thank the witches." They thank Phoebe and Prue in unison, then scamper off down the alley, giggling. Prue and Phoebe gawp, and we cut to another commercial.
Manor exterior, the following morning. Inside, Piper and the Dolt worry their pretty little heads about Phoebe and Prue. Cleansing Burst Of Synchronicity as Phoebe and Prue barrel in the front door at that moment. There's a group hug, followed by Piper demanding to know where the hell the two have been all night. Phoebe gives them a brief rundown of the day's events, and the four head to the attic to consult the Book of Shadows. There, Prue finds nothing on the brats, but does stumble across an entry for the Molester, who is simply called "The Ice-Cream Man." Prue reads that Ice-Cream Men are mortals, leading Phoebe to wax reminiscent about the good old days, when demons looked like demons and innocents looked like innocents. Piper wonders how a mortal can trap demons, and the Dolt guesses that the mortal doesn't do it on his own. Prue affirms this, reading from the BoS that "the Ice-Cream Man plays the Demonic Chord which is a series of notes that when sounded together specifically attract [sic] demon kids like moths to a flame." Phoebe reads further down the page, noting that The Nothing is the only agent capable of vanquishing demon brats. However, The Nothing does not discriminate between good and evil, so the demon-fried Molester is at risk for sphincter suckage.
I can't believe I just typed that. I'm grossing myself out, here.
Piper wonders how Prue and Phoebe managed to escape, and Prue explains that the Molester showed them the portal. When they tried to get back into Molesterland, though, they were unable to open the door to the truck, despite trying "everything." Phoebe reminds Prue they did not, in fact, try everything, and the vision she had of Prue and Victor is shared with Piper and the Dolt. Prue complains that even if their father is in San Francisco and able to assist his daughters, they have no way of getting in touch with him. Phoebe then drops the bomb. She's been corresponding with Victor -- her "Old Friend" from the IM yesterday morning -- all along. He's been in the city for three months, and is "an instant message away" if they want to ask for his aid. Brief bitching about Phoebe keeping this information from the others, then a debate over whether or not they should call on him. Piper voices the thoughts of all concerned when she says they have no choice, and Phoebe opens her conveniently-placed laptop to fire off an e-mail. Like they'd even have a modem line in the goddamn attic.
Time to catch up with the three brats. The other boy -- let's call him "Otto" -- has fried an ice-cream vendor, whose withered remains are barely concealed by some underbrush. Old Navy bitches Otto out about this. God, this is all so very tiresome. The Plaited Princess wants in on some of the killing action, but Old Navy reminds them that they have to destroy the demon-snatching ice-cream van. Old Navy bitches The Plaited Princess and Otto out some more over targeting the wrong van, but adds that they'll get to have their fun after they've dealt with the task at hand. The Plaited Princess creeps me out with an unnecessarily lascivious, "You promise?" Old Navy supposes the brats might have to take out the Halliwells to demolish the correct van, then tells The Plaited Princess to get rid of the vendor's corpse. She does this by blowing it a kiss, which somehow pulverizes the remains and scatters them to the wind.
P3. Piper serves up some Perrier to Prue and Phoebe as the three await Victor's arrival at the club. Caleb, who has chosen this moment to pester Piper a bit more about improving his social life, interrupts them. Piper tells Caleb to get lost, but again Caleb does not take the hint. Piper gestures to the Dolt, who has sidled up in the background. The Dolt tells Caleb he has a phone call in the club office, and leads him away as Victor enters the bar. Phoebe lights up at his entrance, while Prue immediately turns her back on him. Phoebe perks over to hug her father, as Piper looks on from behind the bar with a smile on her face. Prue stands and turns to face Victor. She's wearing a concealing black turtleneck, but those boobs of hers remain unfettered. They droop dangerously close to her waist as Prue "cut[s] to the chase," telling Victor to fill them in on what he knows of the frozen playground.
Flashback time. Muddled flashback time, at that. Victor reveals that, when Prue was about six years old, the girls' mother left Victor at home alone with Prue, who was suffering from a cold. He left her sleeping in her bed, but she awoke at some point and toddled downstairs. Hearing the Demonic Chord, Prue went to the one of the manor windows in time to see a little boy get sucked into the Ice-Cream Man's van. Prue hurried out to save the boy and got sucked in herself. Victor went after her and saved Prue from Molesterland, though how he did so God alone knows. Specific details are thin on the ground. In any event, this was his last act as their father. He and Grams had an argument about whether or not the sisters should use their powers, with Grams firmly believing they should. Victor took off at Grams' insistence and never looked back.
Phoebe then notes that, because the Ice-Cream Man is mortal, they need a mortal to gain entry to the van. They ask Victor if he'll help them, and he agrees. Cut to the four walking down a sidewalk, Piper and Prue in front with Victor and Phoebe, arms linked, trailing several paces behind. Prue bitches some more about the sisters' need to enlist their absentee father's aid in this endeavor. Piper, for some reason, tolerates the rant. Behind them, Phoebe reassures Victor that she never thought he left on his own accord. He apologizes for being a bad parent. I prop my eyelids open with toothpicks and light another cigarette. I will never make it through this episode. This episode is my personal Molesterland, but alas, there is no Molester to show this innocent the way to the portal.
They arrive at the alley where Prue and Phoebe last saw the van. The van has disappeared. The demon brats have followed them, and The Plaited Princess blows them a kiss that sends the four flying back into piles of trash. The demon brats scamper off again, snickering, as Prue cracks non-wise about how the brats' "need to be grounded." The four pick themselves up and dust themselves off. Piper and Phoebe chase after the brats, leaving Prue and Victor alone to find the truck. Victor quickly determines that the van has been towed, and Prue and Victor head off for the city impound lot. Once there, they find the van parked to a wall. Prue attempts to TK the back door open, and fails. She tells Victor to get on with it, and when he hesitates, she asks him what's wrong. He replies that "chasing demons isn't [his] day job." Prue instructs him to concentrate on the physical act of opening the door, warning him that should he focus instead on Molesterland inside, he'll fail. Victor takes a deep breath, leans in, and unlatches the back of the van. That was tense. Not.
Prue and Victor enter Molesterland, and, after a brief search, spot the Molester huddled in the snow at the base of a tree, holding his badly-burned hands away from his body. Victor notes The Nothing is moving in for some sucking action, and tells Prue he remembers seeing what it did to the demon children twenty-odd years ago. The Molester reveals to Prue that he knew she and Phoebe were Charmed Ones as soon as he pulled them into Molesterland. Oh, yeah? Then why did you sneak up behind them to scream into their faces in that earlier scene? It's called "continuity." Would someone on staff please look that fucking word up? Huh? Please? God. Seems the Molester has the same "friends in high places" that the Halliwells have. Prue and Victor pull the Molester to his feet and drag him to the portal. The Nothing makes a couple of loud noises. The Molester tells Prue that they have to reactivate the Demonic Chord, and tells Prue to reach into the pocket of his shirt. There she finds a crystal, which apparently is a replacement part for the Chord. The Molester pushes Prue and Victor away from him, noting that, unlike the two of them, Ice-Cream Men can be replaced. The Nothing sucks him on out of there. Prue gazes at the spot where the Molester had been standing for a moment, and then Victor moves in. Telling her she didn't fail the Molester, he yanks her out of frame towards the portal.
Commercials. You know that Sprite ad where the guy without a cell phone screams up at his girlfriend, telling her the doctor told him "it's not contagious" and they should get together some time? And that girl in the corner of the shot stops dead in the middle of the conversation she's having on her cell phone and says into her phone, "Oh, GURRRRL"? It didn't air during this break, but it cracks me up every time I see it. Which is often.
Back from the break, Piper and Phoebe are still on the demon brats' trail. They hear them giggling, and hide behind some bushes. They overhear Old Navy again plotting to destroy the van once and for all. Old Navy notes that the van is "in the junkyard." I'm assuming he's referring to the city impound lot here. Piper decides that the two Ps can handle three little brats on their own, but the brat triad is joined at that moment by three more. Phoebe and Piper head off to the city lot to hook up with Prue and Victor.
At the lot, Phoebe and Piper ease their way through the chain-link gate Prue had broken through earlier. Phoebe wonders if the demon six have arrived ahead of herself and Piper. She's answered by the snickering titters of the demonlets, who are hidden among the parked cars. Phoebe and Piper realize they're being surrounded, and Phoebe attempts to allay Piper's mounting anxiety by reminding her that she can freeze the demonlets should she need to. A demonlet picks this moment to hurl a trailer hitch at the back of Piper's head, knocking her out. Phoebe drags Piper behind a car and checks for a pulse in Piper's carotid artery. Then Phoebe leaves Piper unconscious behind the car, and moves out into the open, challenging the "little brats" to "bring it on."
Molesterland. Prue directs Victor to the top of the slide, telling him it's the way out. As Victor reaches the top, The Nothing opens up again in the sky and latches on to Prue. She grabs onto a rung and calls for Victor, who grips Prue's arms. After a brief struggle against The Nothing, Victor pulls Prue out of the force field and into a comforting hug.
Impound lot. Piper remains unconscious as Phoebe eyes the closing circle of demon brats around her. One jumps her from behind, but she flings him over her head into a couple of the others. The Plaited Princess blows another kiss, sending Phoebe flying across the asphalt. The brats regroup and approach the prone Phoebe as Prue and Victor struggle out the back door of the van; Prue assesses the situation and immediately sends the brats flying with a little TK. Prue hands the replacement crystal for the Chord to Victor, and sends him off to repair the truck. She TKs The Plaited Princess into the chain link fence, then grabs Phoebe to run for cover from Otto's fireball. Old Navy sneaks up on Victor from behind and prepares to fry him the same way he fried the Molester. Prue TKs Old Navy across the lot. Prue and Victor exchange a Look Of Familial Significance, and Victor then drops the crystal into its socket. The crystal glows white, and the Demonic Chord starts a-chiming. The brood, mesmerized, wanders over to the van's window, where they all are sucked, screaming, into Molesterland.
Piper comes to and tells Phoebe to "remind [her] of this day" should she ever express a desire to breed. The Dolt wanders up with Caleb, who is revealed to be the Molester's replacement. Piper sputters, "So your interest in me?" "Strictly professional," Caleb replies, slipping into his vertical-striped vendor jacket. The Dolt and Caleb had a little chat back at P3 while the sisters were actually getting things done, and it appears The Powers That Be sent Caleb the Halliwells' way once They became aware of the Molester's predicament. Except that Caleb showed up before the sisters had first encountered the goddamn Molester, so what the fuck ever. The Dolt wishes Caleb well as Caleb jumps into the van's driver's seat. Phoebe makes an unfunny about never thinking "of a Dreamsicle the same way again," and we fade to a nighttime shot of the Transamerica Pyramid.
Halliwell homestead, the morning. In the hall, Victor prepares to take his leave of his daughters. Phoebe, popping out of a white beater with the word "Wyoming" stretched to near-illegibility between her ample breasts, moves over to her father for a hug. She tells Victor to "keep writing," and he reminds her that she no longer needs to keep their correspondence a secret. He adds inexplicably that Phoebe need not keep secrets "about anything." Phoebe's joyous expression melts into the Cole Guilt Goggle, and I just barely miss taking the skillet flying out of my television set in the forehead. Victor then moves to Piper, who has braided her hair in the same style as the now-vanquished brat from the evening prior. He asks Piper about the Dolt, telling her he thinks he'll have to have a "father's prerogative" chat with the Dolt at some point in the future. Piper grins at Victor playfully.
Victor then moves to Prue. "I'm not saying goodbye," she says. "I'm saying, 'See you soon, Dad,'" and pulls him into an affectionate embrace. Aw. Not. Hork. Victor reveals to the three that he's received an offer of a job based in the city, and with their permission, he smirks, he'll take it. The sisters smilingly give their assent. Before he walks out to catch his taxi, he turns to evaluate his daughters, noting that the four of them "have so much catching up to do." Piper speaks for the three when she tells him, "It's all right. It's different now." Victor agrees, and leaves. A shot of Phoebe, Piper, and Prue gazing after him, and this godforsaken episode is at long last over.
week, Phoebe, Piper, and Prue are getting a little rusty on their powers, so Large Marge is sent in to whip them back into shape. I know it doesn't make any sense, but then again, this episode made no sense whatsoever. Just go with it. Besides, Large Marge forbids them to wear "braless, strapless attire," which is about as big a shout-out as we're likely ever to receive. Try to have fun.