Fade up on the manor kitchen, where the entire produce section of the local Treasure Island has been dumped all over the counter. Slow pan to Piper, who drops what looks like a squid tentacle into a pot of lavender liquid simmering on the stove. The liquid flames up, as Piper worries that even if the "vanquishing potion" ends up working, they still have to find Belthazor. Prue, clad in a leopard-print sheer strappy top that for some reason makes her breasts look huge, tells Piper she has a plan for that, but they must finish with the potion first. Cockleshells are in the mix, despite the fact neither sister knows exactly what they are, which does make me wonder how they managed to obtain them in the first place. Banter over pig's feet, one of which when added causes the brew to flare up again. Prue announces that all they need is the slice of Belthazor flesh Piper cut from the demon in the last episode, and they're good to go. Prue calls for Phoebe, but Piper notes Phoebe might not be in a "vanquishing mood," as she hasn't heard from Cole in over a week. Prue makes dismissive noises, stating she never liked Cole, and her dislike for him goes beyond the fact he's "a greasy lawyer." "A greasy what?" Phoebe perks as she enters the kitchen, and Piper covers with "A greasylayer on the potion." "Too much mandrake," Prue agrees. Whatever.
Phoebe announces she doesn't care, she just wants to deal with the Belthazor issue before Cole gets back. "And he will come back," she insists more to herself than anyone else, as Piper and Prue exchange Looks Of Concern. The three then recite a spell from the Book of Shadows. A spell that abuses semicolons, as you see below:
Spirits of air,
Forest and sea;
Set us of this
Demon free;
Beasts of hoof
And Beasts of shell,
Drive this evil
Back to hell!
Oof.
Nothing happens. Why? Piper forgot the Belthazor pepperoni. She retrieves it from the refrigerator, where they've been storing it in a Tupperware container. Piper gingerly picks it out with a pair of salad tongs and flings it into the simmering liquid in the pot. The potion more or less explodes, hurling Piper backward onto the kitchen floor. Worried noises as Prue and Phoebe rush to her aid, and Piper makes an "attack of the killer pig's feet" unfunny. The camera zooms in on a close up of the Belthazor entry in the BoS, as we cut to a funeral in progress.
The attending minister reads the following from the thirty-seventh psalm: "Fret not thyself because of evil. Neither be envious of wrongdoers, for they shall soon be cut down like the grass and wither as the green herb." Get it? Good. As the minister continues on, we pan across the cemetery to a memorial carved in an angel's image. The injured Belthazor snipers down to the grass beneath the angel, panting through his prosthetic mouthgear. He heaves himself to his feet, leaving a bloodstain on the angel's base, and lurches towards a mausoleum with the word "MAUSOLEUM" in large black letters over the door. I understand the Mausoleums were rather prominent members of the San Francisco community back in the days of the Barbary Coast. In fact, I think one of the Mausoleums was a founding member of Bohemian Grove.
As Belthazor lunges his way to the final resting-place of the Mausoleums, a meaty paw appears in a ray of light back at the bloodstain. The meaty gentleman attached to the meaty paw swipes up a bit of the blood and raises his meaty fingers to his meaty nose for a sniff. Doesn't he know that all bodily fluids should be treated as biohazards? Meaty Man snarls at the scent, and his eyes wander to the Mausoleums' mausoleum, where Belthazor is just pulling shut the door. Cut to Belthazor crouching behind Granny Mausoleum's bier. Meaty Man enters, calling out to the demon by name, telling Belthazor he can't hide forever from the Meaty Man's wrath. Meaty Man has been sent by The Source himself to do away with Belthazor, presumably for Belthazor's shoddy treatment of the Andrews Sisters in the last episode. Meaty Man menaces. Belthazor cowers. Meaty Man urges Belthazor to die like "a hero, not a coward," and Belthazor rushes to the door. Meaty flings a little sparkly demon voodoo Belthazor's way, knocking the red demon to the floor. Belthazor recovers and shoots a blue energy ball at Meaty, trapping him under a fallen column, and then runs outside.
Belthazor slumps to the ground as the funeral disperses, and morphs with some difficulty into Cole, who then stands and walks towards the cluster of mourners. Meaty menaces on out of the Mausoleum mausoleum, scanning the cemetery grounds for Belthazor. Cole approaches a woman who is busily wiping stray tears from her eyes with a delicate hanky, and makes his escape by bumming a ride with her to "the wake." Cole surreptitiously checks the blood seeping through his white shirt, then buttons his grey mohair coat. Meaty stands by a gravestone, looking lost.
Credits and commercials. I know Dracula 2000 is supposed to be crap, but as I am Jonny Lee Miller's whore, I get the sinking feeling I'll be in the theater watching it weekend.
“ Piper freezes him in mid-air, protesting to Prue about the grandfather clock Meaty's about to smash into. 'We can't afford to keep fixing that thing,' pouts Piper. Shout-out? You decide. ”
Manor hall. Phoebe power walks her way through as Prue descends the stairs. Prue asks Phoebe where she's off to, and Phoebe replies she's got class and a little Cole stalking to attend to that day. Prue reminds her of their Belthazor priority, and exposits she's reworked the "magic calling magic" spell they used to summon Melinda Warren in order to summon Belthazor. Prue then launches into a little bit of sisterly concern regarding Phoebe's unhealthy obsession with Cole. Phoebe tells her to cram it, as she knows Prue never approved of Cole. Prue notes Phoebe she didn't approve of all of Prue's boyfriends either, then apologizes. She reminds Phoebe of the Halliwells' need to be honest with each other after the run-in with Andras and Belthazor in the last episode, and allows that the Cole situation is entirely Phoebe's call. I wonder if that whole honesty thing is going to come around and bite them in the ass sometime this episode. Phoebe thanks her as Piper enters, asking if the other two are ready for a little demon vanquishing. Prue replies that Phoebe won't be participating, as she has boyfriend issues to process through. Prue notes the Power of Three isn't necessary, anyway, as all they require for the task is the potion. Piper presses a vial of said potion into Phoebe's hand "just in case," and Phoebe takes her leave.
Cut to the "grungy city alley" set on the lot, where Cole staggers through a cloud of steam. The poor boy's face is looking awfully ragged and unshorn as he strips off his coat and pulls open his shirt. He grunts and pants in pain as he pries a wad of gauze from the gaping silver-dollar-sized wound in his side. You'll want a little antibacterial cream on that, honey. It's nasty. He pulls off his shirt and grunts and pants a bit more as he attempts to rip it in half. Shirtless Cole pauses momentarily in frustration, panting and gasping a bit more as he leans back against a wall. I pause to offer my heartfelt thanks to Brad Kern for this scene. Cole morphs into Belthazor, who easily tears the shirt in two. Belthazor presses the cloth to the wound, which doesn't look as nasty on him as it does on Cole, then scampers off when he hears someone approaching. Heavily Stoned Homeless Dude enters the alley, spies Cole's discarded coat, and hugs the coat to his chest possessively.
Manor parlor. Piper and Prue prop a coffee table up on its side as Piper worries, "This is going to be messy." "That's why we Scotch-Gard," Prue sniffs. Snicker. The huddle behind the table with a couple of vanquishing vials and recite, "Magic forces black and white, reaching out through space and light: be he far or be he near, bring us the demon Belthazor here." Oy. And it's a twister, Auntie Em! Right in the middle of the parlor. The two fling the vials at the figure emerging from the swirling cloud and duck behind the table. Oops. They summoned Meaty Man, not Belthazor. The vials crash against his coat and spark up, but do nothing else. Meaty Man calls them "stupid" and shoots a bolt of blue energy at them, blowing a jagged hole through the tabletop. "That was an antique," Prue growls, and TKs Meaty Man backwards. Piper freezes him in mid-air, protesting to Prue about the grandfather clock Meaty's about to smash into. "We can't afford to keep fixing that thing," pouts Piper. Shout-out? You decide.
Prue and Piper approach Meaty, still frozen in mid-air. They agree they've got the wrong guy, and Prue suggests Piper unfreeze his meaty head only, so they can find out who he is. To her own surprise and delight, Piper does just that. "What have you done to me?" Meaty asks. "Um, excuse me," snarks Prue. "You're frozen in mid-air. We'll be asking the questions. Who are you?" Meaty threatens them in response, telling them to unfreeze him immediately. Piper casually says, "Okay," before unfreezing him, and Meaty hurtles backwards into the clock, smashing it to pieces. As Meaty slumps to the floor, Prue glares at Piper. "What? It was worth it," Piper shoots back at her. Again: snicker. Piper and Prue hustle over to Meaty's side, and Prue kicks him onto his back, again asking him who he is. "I am Krell. A Zotar," Meaty replies. Krell? Zotar? Whatever the writers are on, I want some. "And I'm Prue. A Scorpio," she snits back. "Where's Belthazor?" Kwell jumps to his feet and exposits he's a demon bounty hunter, sent to find the same guy the sisters are looking for. The three stare at each other warily.
Cut to the courthouse. Phoebe slinks her way towards Cole's office, and lets herself inside. She finds "Reese Davidson" of the DA's Bureau of Investigation rummaging through Cole's files. Reese asks the intruder who she is. "Phoebe," she replies. "That's it? Like Cher or Madonna?" Not funny. Cole's been missing since Monday, apparently. Reese quizzes Phoebe on her connection to the missing ADA, guessing she's "his girl." Phoebe confirms this, and, at Reese's prodding, allows that Cole had mentioned going on a trip, but those plans were cancelled because of a "big case" he was working on. Reese informs her that Cole hasn't been working on anything aside from filing extensions for months, and gives Phoebe his card. He suggests that she call him should she think of anything else. A worried Phoebe leaves.
Manor sun porch. Kwell is bitching about underestimating Belthazor, whining that he thought since Belthazor couldn't "shimmer," his other powers must have been gone as well. "Shimmer"? That's what they're calling it? Try "squiggle," moron, because that's what Cole actually does. Piper, Prue, and Kwell exchange information. Kwell isn't powerful enough to vanquish Belthazor on his own, but he can track Belthazor when the demon is in his demon form. He also fills the sisters in on the untimely demise of the Andrews Sisters. In addition, Belthazor's inability to squiggle somehow explains why Kwell was summoned in his place. Prue moves to make a deal to collaborate with the demon, over Piper's objections and despite the fact that the idea of working in concert with witches "turns [Kwell's] stomachs." Kwell tells them to make up their minds about the deal quickly, and rays himself out of the sun porch. Prue and Piper glance at each other, then call for Leo.
“ How much you want to bet our little bad boy's been doing his neighbor on the side? ”
Chez Belthazor. Phoebe pounds on the door, calling loudly for Cole, much to the annoyance of Cole's blonde -door neighbor. How much you want to bet our little bad boy's been doing his neighbor on the side? Phoebe starts to walk away, but notices drops of blood on the hall carpet leading to Cole's door. She eases his unlocked door open, calling his name. More blood in the apartment, leading to the bedroom, where Belthazor lurks behind the door. Phoebe enters the bedroom to find Cole pulling on a blue shirt, the blood from his wound seeping through the bandage on his side. "You shouldn't be here, Phoebe," he says, and a lingering close up on Julian McMahon's face takes us to commercial.
Bring me the head of Sandra Bullock.
Chez Belthazor. Phoebe smoothes out some blankets on the bed and eases Cole down onto them on his back. Phoebe tries to remove the bandage to get a look at the slice in Cole's side. He tells her not to, she insists she's "seen a lot worse," and he snatches her wrist, hissing at her, "I said, 'Don't.'" His face then relaxes as he adds a whimpering "please." Phoebe eases his hand off her wrist and suggests they go to the hospital. Cole disagrees with this plan, telling her it wouldn't be safe as "They" will find him there. Phoebe demands to know who attacked Cole, but is answered with silence. Phoebe fills Cole in on Reese, causing Cole to pull himself up, worriedly asking her what she told the investigator. Before she can finish with her answer, Cole groans loudly and slumps against her. Phoebe eases him back down onto the bed, assuring Cole she'll find someone to help, then whispers urgently for Leo. Cole protests weakly, and Phoebe insists she will not just stand there and watch him die. She tells him she's running back to the manor for assistance, gives him a lingering kiss, and leaves. Cole grunts in pain on the bed, morphs briefly into Belthazor, then morphs back.
Manor attic, night. Piper bitches at Leo's ignorance of the Andrews Sisters' fate. Blathercakes, wherein Piper questions the smartness of the decision to work with Kwell, and Prue and Leo convince her they have no other choice. Cut to the sun porch. Prue and Piper with the "magic calling magic" spell again, and another Kwell-filled tornado. Phoebe enters through the front door at this moment, screams, "Demon!" and lands a flying kick to Kwell's jaw before anyone can stop her. Kwell destroys another table while flying backwards, resulting in much Halliwell eyerolling. Prue and Piper give Phoebe the Cliff's Notes version of the day's events, and she agrees to the plan. Phoebe then asks to speak with Leo in private. Kwell takes this opportunity to strap his bitch on about the sisters' seeming lack of urgency, noting he's got Belthazor's scent now. Prue and Piper agree to accompany Kwell, and Kwell directs Leo and Phoebe to the cemetery, as Belthazor views cemeteries as safe havens. Phoebe, in an aside, tells Leo she needs his help, and they exit.