Tonight on Charmed: Prue is blinded by developing chemicals, and I'm blinded by something far more toxic. Guess who recovers first. Hint: it's not me.
P3 After Dark. Phoebe sits at the bar, and after checking her watch, asks barmaid Abbey to fetch the yuppie ("Sean") at the end of the bar another drink. "Okay," Abbey responds, "but that's over the club limit." Phoebe tells her not to worry; they'll call him a cab if necessary. As Abbey walks away, Piper approaches with "Prue still hasn't called?" Phoebe responds in the negative, and worries her little head over Sean, whom Prue apparently is standing up. Since the three Ps have returned from "Pilgrim time" last week, Phoebe expositions, Prue's been on a "demon bender" with little time for outside distractions like dates. Phoebe wonders how they should explain this to Sean, and Piper tells Abbey to make Sean's drink a double. Piper moves to call Prue, and Phoebe boots the conversation firmly into the realm of "Too Much Information." "Is Leo keeping you warm?" she asks Piper. Apparently not. The Powers That Be even went so far as to orb Leo out twice while he and Piper were in the middle of some unspeakable sexual activity. Despite Leo's assertions to the contrary, Piper's convinced TPTB are leering at their every encounter, and as a result she can't "concentrate." Phoebe commiserates, noting that she hasn't gotten very far with Cole, and that if circumstances don't improve, she'll have to start "concentrating on [herself]." Honey, I really do not need the hint that you are the proud owner of a Hitachi Magic Wand, nor do I need a mental image of what you do with it, so let's change the topic of conversation. Right. Now.
Piper, on the bar's cordless, catches Prue on her cellular in the Halliwell SUV. Before Piper can let Prue know she's left Sean standing alone and forlorn at the bar, Prue launches into a rundown of her day's demon-related activities. Prue used the Internet to research Colonial Micah's family background, and came up with a history of last week's Virginia village that might help the Ps figure out the identity of the demon the Triad tossed back in time to hack away the root of their family tree. Neither Phoebe nor Piper cares. Piper gently reminds Prue of her abandoned date, and Prue tells her to "give him another drink." "If we give him another drink," Piper responds, "we're going to have to send him to an AA meeting." Piper then notes that Sean's been standing there drinking for the last hour, tucking into the bar's supply of honey roasted peanuts, then tells Prue to get her addlebrained ass to the club, pronto. Wait. Sean's been there for an hour, and if they give him another drink, he'll have to check himself into Hazelden? Even on my most determined Friday-night benders, I've never gotten past three beers and a shot in an hour, and aside from that last free double, he's been paying for the booze, right? Piper, if you want to be the Carry Nation of the Bay Area, you might want to look into a profession that doesn't involve serving alcohol to paying customers. Just sayin'.
Anyway, Prue begs off, saying she has to get back to the manor to research further the information she picked up earlier in the day. She then tells Piper to make up some sort of excuse, and hangs up the phone. Piper adopts a "you owe me big time, sow" expression, fills Phoebe in on the basics of the call, and moves to explain the situation to Sean. Piper tells him that Prue sometimes gets hung up at work, she's got a one-track mind, blah blah you've been ditched, loser. He mildly replies that it's okay, he understands; he asks Piper to have Prue give him a call, and he then leaves the bar. Piper returns to Phoebe, noting that Sean "took that well." "He's had three drinks," Phoebe replies, and I wonder how this bar ever makes any money if the official policy is a two-drink maximum per customer. Shifting the topic back to their sister, Piper wonders when "one-track spills over into total obsession." "When you start forgetting," Phoebe replies, "about guys like Sean." He wasn't all that, Phoebe. As a matter of fact, he was the most forgettable man on this show thus far this season. With the possible exception of Detective Darryl.
Cut to the manor's front door, hanging open ominously in the dark. Prue enters cautiously, and the camera pans down her approaching form to linger over each hideous element of her outfit, from the "No wire hangers" Mommie Dearest hairstyle to the cowl-neck sweater topped by a marabou-trimmed knee-length magenta coat to her black satin pants. Okay, you got me. I'm scared. Prue moves down the hallway, noting several smashed mirrors. She steps gingerly over a pile of broken glass to enter the parlor, and we switch to a POV of the apparent intruder, watching Prue. A black-clad figure leaps from the shadows behind Prue, body-slamming her over the back of a sofa. As an overturned lamp shoots sparks on the carpet, Prue TKs the intruder through the window into the yard below. The camera pans in on Shannen Doherty's utterly expressionless face, and we cut to the credits.
Fade up on Halliwell Manor. Phoebe hands Prue an ice pack for her injured shoulder while Piper sweeps up broken glass. Prue's cowl-neck is also sleeveless, with several large wooden buttons down the front. I'm not making this stuff up. I wish to God I were, but I'm not. The sisters engage in intruder chatter. Piper understandably is more than a little creeped out at the idea of a stranger stomping through their house, breaking mirrors and rifling through their possessions. Demon-obsessed Prue wonders why her sisters aren't considering the possibility the stranger was hell-sent. Piper notes the only demon they encountered who used mirrors was "Callie," and they already "vanquished her sorry ass." Prue reminds Piper and Phoebe that the vanquished have returned before, most recently in the form of the Grimlocks of last week. Detective Darryl descends from upstairs, cutting short the speculation. He's dusted for fingerprints, and found quite a few that don't match the sister's samples. And he knows this how -- through a simple visual check? Whatever. He announces he'll run the strange prints through the computer to see if he can find a match. Triad-addled Prue snarks that he'll fail, noting that "Book of Shadows 101" tells them mirrors are portals for demons. Darryl notes that that's not his area of expertise, and asks the three to come up with a "grudge list" of any potential enemies the Halliwells may have made. Prue hands him a sheet of paper containing the names of every demon they've encountered in the last two years, which is not what Darryl is looking for. Prue blows him off, announcing she's heading to the attic to consult the BoS for mirror-related meanies. As she leaves, Piper asks Darryl if he thinks the intruder was human. "In any other house, yeah," he allows. "Around here, you never know."
Prue calls from upstairs, and the three head for the attic. Prue complains that she had locked the now-wide-open attic door, as she had been doing since she and Phoebe caught a demon in the attic two weeks ago. Darryl, incredulous, wonders why they'd lock up the attic but not do the same for the rest of the house. Overconfident Prue notes she never locks the front door, and Darryl bitches the three of them out for not caring at all about security measures all other urban women take for granted. Preach it, Darryl. "We're witches," Prue bitches right back. "We can deal with it." Darryl sighs in frustration, and determines the attic lock wasn't forced. Phoebe finds it "ludicrous" that Prue refuses to entertain the notion that the home invasion was the work of a human, and Prue finds it equally ludicrous that her sisters refuse to find the Triad at fault. Piper calmly asks Darryl to give the three a moment alone for a sister-to-sister conference.
Prue, who's really strapped her bitch on for this episode, turns said bitch up to shout for Leo's immediate appearance. In he orbs, and Prue demands that he tell her everything he knows about the Triad. He's distracted by Piper's flirtatious greeting. Prue's having none of it. "Okay, well, this really can't wait. The Triad sent somebody back in time and nearly wiped out our entire line," she rants. "Now if you guys don't want to take that seriously, that's your business. Me? I'm on a mission." Try decaf time, Prue. She grabs some notes and the BoS, and stomps out of the attic. Phoebe: "We really need to get her laid." Shut up, Phoebe. Piper and Leo exchange nookie looks, Phoebe excuses herself, and I groan in pain. Little do I know how much nookie-induced pain I'll be in by the end of this episode.
Meanwhile, back in Hell, the Triad squiggle Cole down before their presence. "We grow impatient, Belthazor," they intone. The Triad expected Cole to have vanquished the Charmed Ones by now. Cole asks for more time, noting he's getting closer to Phoebe, and the Triad reveal that they've sent the demon Troxa up to finish the job. Cole's not happy. If the other demon finishes the job for him, the Triad will no longer be under obligation to remunerate him. While the exact terms of the deal aren't fully revealed in this scene, I doubt Cole's in it for a new dinette set. Cole looks more than a little anxious, as we cut to a figure emerging from the fog. He's a brunet wearing black, and he's sporting a goatee, so I'm guessing this is Troxa. He stalks up to the front door of the manor, fades out into invisibility, and eases the still-unlocked door open.
Cut to Piper's boudoir, where she and Leo enter in a bile-inducing clinch. Leo wants in Piper's pants, but Piper doesn't want to give a free show for the Powers That Be, and reminds Leo that, the last two times they tried to get it on, TPTB orbed him out in the middle of it. Christ. A naked, aroused Leo being called before his superiors? Twice? Thanks for nothing, Piper. I struggle through shuddering dry heaves to note that Troxa's got an appetite for voyeurism. The TroxaCam checks out the action for a bit, Leo orbs out in the middle of a tongue kiss, Piper groans in frustration, and I reacquaint myself with the shrimp linguine I had for dinner.
Merciful cut to the attic. DemonCam as Troxa approaches a sleeping Prue, checks the notebook in her lap briefly, then moves to smother her with a pillow. Prue wakes just in time to TK the pillow into an exploding billow of goose down, then warily eyes the empty attic around her as the doorbell rings in the background. Phoebe, in pink pajamas and a matching kimono robe, answers to find Cole on their front porch. Cole explains that he heard about the break-in, and stopped by to see if the sisters are okay. Piper and Prue descend the stairs, and Cole asks Prue if she got a look at the intruder. Prue responds in the negative, giving Cole a nastily suspicious glare. Cole offers to get a patrol car to keep watch outside the manor, but Prue refuses his offer, insisting the Ps can handle the situation. Cole persists, noting that they "have no idea what kind of evil [they're] dealing with." Way to blow your cover, Belthazor. While Piper tells him the three were just chatting about that, Cole catches sight of Troxa the Invisible making his exit. Prue shuts Cole down again, asking acidly for him to leave, as the sisters have something to discuss in private. Cole relents and heads for the door, telling Phoebe to give him a call. Phoebe shuts the door behind him, then wheels on Prue, telling her, "This better be good." Prue fills them in on the recently-vanquished pillow, leading Phoebe to smirk, "That must be the infamous pillow-smothering demon." Piper guesses it could have been a nightmare, just about kicking the ever-more-erratic Prue over the edge. "There's a demon after me or us and I know it," she bitches, then spins around to head upstairs. A round of eyerolls for Phoebe and Piper.
Manor exterior. Cole cautiously slinks to the edge of the porch. "Come out, come out, wherever you are." Troxa the Invisible flings Cole against the railing in a chokehold in reply. Troxa squiggles into view for a little demon pissing contest. Troxa and Cole are old adversaries, apparently, and this little Halliwell assignment is only serving to amp up preexisting professional jealousies between the two. Troxa notes that Cole, as Belthazor, has never known how to defeat him, as -- and here he squiggles into invisibility again -- Cole "cannot fight what he cannot see." Troxa the Invisible flings Cole against the wall into another chokehold, then retreats as the porch light comes on. Just before Phoebe opens the front door to investigate the noise, Cole squiggles out as well. Phoebe eyes the empty night suspiciously. Cut to commercial.
Kitchen, the following morning. Phoebe and Piper consider mainlining caffeine, as neither got any sleep the night before. Just as Piper suggests that they install an alarm system, Prue enters, looking for Grams's necklace and her "good luck blouse." "The fuschia paisley one?" Phoebe inquires, and I immediately rechristen said article of clothing "Prue's Paisley Tit Sling of Poor Taste." Worried noises about the evening's intruder making off with their belongings, with Phoebe speculating Prue's human stalker as the culprit, and Prue again stubbornly insisting it was demon work. Leo orbs in at that moment in a fresh shirt. He first apologizes to Piper, insisting TPTB orbed him out mid-foreplay by "total coincidence," then tells the three TPTB know little of the Triad, aside from the fact it's at the highest level of "the other side." "Six thousand years of conflict and that's it?" Prue snits. "These guys are serious underachievers." She then hands Phoebe and Piper white cloth bags, each containing a pair of sneakers. Seems the three Ps have an unfortunate habit of getting caught wearing footwear inappropriate for demon vanquishing. Keeping sneakers handy at all times is Prue's solution to this problem. You've been at this for more than two years, and you wait until now to solve the footwear problem? No wonder you keep getting your Blahnik-shod asses kicked, you tragic little fashion victims.
Darryl at the doorbell. He ran the set of fingerprints he pulled from the broken mirrors through the FBI's system, and came up matchless. Phoebe fills him in on the missing necklace and blouse, and Darryl ponders the possibility that they're dealing with a stalker, rather than a burglar. He tells them to get their "human grudge lists" to him as quickly as possible, mentioning old classmates, co-workers, or ex-boyfriends as the people they need to be thinking about. Phoebe mentions Sean as a possibility, but Prue voices her doubts, as she and Sean never even really had a date. Darryl informs the Ps that stalkers can be set off by anything, especially being stood up in clubs that impose two-drink maximums on their patrons, but Prue is still clinging to her demon notions. Darryl exits on another note of caution, Phoebe again urges Prue to follow Darryl's advice, and Prue ignores both of them and makes to leave for work: "If a demon doesn't kill me, my editor will." Not if those beige leather pants cutting off circulation to your legs get you with the gangrene first, Prue.
Courthouse. TroxaCam as the invisible demon makes his way through the bustling hallway to Cole's office. Troxa lets himself in, checks out Cole who is idly staring out the window, then picks up a letter opener to hack up a little Belthazor ass. Is this the best he can do? A letter opener? Things keep looking up for the three Ps, I suppose. Cole spins around, brandishing a heretofore-concealed fire extinguisher, which he sets off in Troxa's direction. The CO2 reverses Troxa's invisibility, and he rematerializes, flailing. "I did some research, Troxa," Cole grins, then bops Troxa on the head with the canister, sending the demon flying backwards over the desk. "Found your Achilles heel," Cole smirks. Cold temperatures will always make Troxa reappear, but because the demon can't sense temperature changes, he never knows whether he's invisible or not. Swell power, buddy. Good thing for the Triad the Ps don't live in Minneapolis. Troxa promises he'll vanquish Cole after he's done with the sisters, then fades out as he stalks out the office door.
This sequence threatens to tear apart whatever shreds of sanity I still possess, so be patient. First up, a bizarre and senseless scenelet of Prue at work. She's on a photo shoot with an Australian nature specialist and TV personality, whose Aussie accent is even less authentic than Julian McMahon's is when he's trying to pass Cole off as an American. This guy's on the level of an Outback Steakhouse voice-over. As Prue snaps off a few shots of the specialist, a black-clad figure hiding in the fake foliage takes photos of her. Guh? Prue quizzes the specialist on his snake trap as the Ninja Stalker snaps away. The final POV through the StalkerCam is a still of Prue's face, which dissolves into a crossfade to Abbey behind the bar at the P3. Phoebe bounces up, asking after Cole. Abbey hasn't seen him, but tells her Piper is in the office. Phoebe bounces away and oh, my sweet Jesus, I'm blind. An horrific shot of shirtless Leo shoving his tongue down a splayed Piper's throat. Phoebe bounds in to interrupt them, they pull apart as Phoebe yelps apologies, Piper snits about this latest round of coitus interruptus, and Leo grabs his shirt and orbs out. Oh God, why? Why? What did I do? Tell me now so I can promise never, ever to do it again. Leo. Shirtless. Tongues. Groping. Snake trap. Auugh.
Phoebe and Piper have a little scene where they bitch about not having sex, and Phoebe gives Piper her stalker list. I'd tell you more, but I've got to go scrub the upper two layers of skin off my body with a Brillo pad after that last scene. Holy Mary, Mother of God. Christ, I'm swallowing my tongue. Sorry, but I have to take a moment before I can go on with this.
Jesus H. Christ on a stick.
I will never be clean again. Never.
Okay, there. It passed. Along with a couple of shots of vodka down my throat. Never again. Do you hear me, Brad Kern? Never. Fucking. Again.
Back to Phoebe and Piper. Fashion. Talk about what they're wearing. Do not think about Leo. Do not. Think. About. Leo. Piper's got herself pretty well covered (Leo) in a green sequined cocktail dress, but Phoebe's threatening to pop (shirtless) out of the little red spaghetti-strap number she's very nearly wearing. I'm guessing duct tape (tongues) is the only thing preventing the patrons of P3AD getting a good long look at Phoebe Unfettered. That said, she does look pretty good, in spite of her limp (snake), dishwater blond hair stringily framing her face (Leo's snake). It can't get (groping) worse, right? (Leo) Wrong. (Leo naked) Prue, in a couple of squares of silver lamé fabric she's calling a dress, perks up to the twosome, while her gals Droopy and Sag wiggle out from the center of her chest as if they're trying to find shelter from the cold in her armpits.
Deep breath.
Piper and Phoebe note Prue's vastly-improved demeanor, and wonder what happened to the demon paranoia they'd come to know and hate this episode. Prue reveals she's set a trap in the attic, using the BoS as demon bait. She cast a spell, using an array of crystals that will electrocute any demon that steps into the grid, but will not vanquish him. This way, once the demon is caught, they can quiz him on the Triad. The crystal she's brought along to the club will glow if anything wanders into the array. "So," Piper wonders with an unfortunate choice of words, "you've booby-trapped our house." Prue admits she has, and brushes off her sisters' concerns that the trap might electrocute a human or even their cat. Spotting Sean sitting down at a nearby table, Prue excuses herself to join him. Piper and Phoebe gape in disbelief. Phoebe notes if Prue continues behaving the way she has, Phoebe and Piper will have to "stage a demon intervention."
I still can't get that horrid image of Leo out of my head. Christ.
Prue approaches Sean, thanks him for meeting her, and tells the passing Abbey to get him whatever he wants. Sean declines the offer, noting he's had his share of free booze. Buddy, pass it to me then. I'm running low on Stoli, and this episode isn't half over yet. Relationship blather. Prue apologizes for not being able to be entirely open with Sean about what she's going through, and he tells her it doesn't matter, as long as she not engage in games, which he notes "drive [him] crazy." Uh oh. "Psycho freaky crazy?" Prue asks. Sean makes a "Nuh?" face, and Prue tells him to relax.
Cut to the manor hallway where Cole lets himself in through the still-unlocked front door. He's changed his shirt and tie from earlier in the day, by the way. After making sure he's alone in the house, he heads to the thermostat and switches on the air conditioning. He moves through the lower floor, opening the windows, then squiggles his way up to the attic. After unlocking and opening the attic door from within, he strides past the crystal array around the BoS to open the attic window as well. Cole then checks Prue's notes on the Triad for a moment, determines she still doesn't know that much, and walks over to the BoS. He steps into the grid, and the five crystals flash up, shooting bolts of electricity up to his neck. He drops to his knees, morphs briefly into his Belthazor form, morphs back into Cole, then falls unconscious to the floor. Back at P3AD, Prue's ride-along crystal glows, much to Sean's consternation. Prue leaps up in excitement and pulls Piper and Phoebe away from the bar, telling them her trap worked. As they head off to return to the manor, we cut to an overhead shot of Cole lying prone on the attic floor; then the image fades to black.
Halliwell hallway. The Ps burst through the door still in their cocktail dresses, with sneakers on their feet. Ha ha. Not. As Prue lays down the plan, Piper notes how cold the house is, and Phoebe points out the open windows. They sprint up the stairs and into the attic to discover Cole, still passed out on the floor. The two triangles of silver lamé that barely cover the tips of Prue's breasts look like the pasties on a low-rent Reno stripper. Piper and Prue restrain Phoebe from rushing to Cole's aid, with Prue noting it might be a set-up. Cole comes to, and Phoebe rushes to kneel at his side and cradle his head in her arms. Prue blurts out, "What are you doing here?" Cole tells them he noticed the front door and windows were open, and entered the house to see if the sisters were safe. Rising to his feet, he asks Prue to explain the grid. "It's a trap," she spits back accusingly, and we cut to the four heading down the front stairs. Phoebe apologizes profusely to Cole, explaining that in the wake of the earlier break-in, Prue panicked. Cole tells her to can it. The grid is the equivalent of having a loaded shotgun with a trip wire pointed at the front door, and is thus illegal. He threatens Prue with arrest, and with her stony silence as a response, she dares him to do so. Piper wonders why an intruder would turn on their air conditioning as Cole stomps out the front door, trailed by a pissed-off Phoebe. Prue watches them go, her angry boobs struggling beneath the straining lamé.
On the front porch, Phoebe apologizes again, and Cole tells her he's "just glad it wasn't [Phoebe]" who zapped him, then takes his leave. Phoebe turns to re-enter the house, and finds a florist's box leaning against the doorframe. She picks it up and storms back into the hallway, bitching at Prue. "You didn't catch a demon," she accuses. "You nearly killed an assistant district attorney." Demon paranoia rears its ugly bald head yet again. Prue questions Cole's uncanny ability to show up at the house every time the sisters are in demon-induced danger, but Phoebe refuses to entertain the notion that he might have been sent to kill them. "Is everyone a demon now?" she screams. Well, no, Phoebe, but Cole sure as hell is. And a damn good-looking one at that, I might add. Why can't I see him shirtless? Piper interrupts, noting the flowers are from Sean for Prue. Prue opens the box to find a mass of squirming maggots writhing over dead roses. Sorry. Still not as disgusting as that earlier scene. You know which one I'm talking about. Don't make me come out and say it again. Piper hustles the box out onto the porch, as Phoebe and Prue try to keep their respective dinners down. Phoebe tells Prue she's found her demon, and goes to call Darryl. Prue still doesn't think she's being harassed by a human, however. Her instincts are never wrong, she insists, but Piper tells her to wake up and smell the maggots. "There are other evils in the world," Piper says. "And some of them are even human."
On the street outside the manor, Troxa rematerializes to confront Cole, who's lounging against a random car. "Cool your jets," Cole tells Troxa. "I've come to apologize." If Troxa wants the Charmed Ones, they're his to take, as Cole doesn't want to spend eternity watching his back in fear of Troxa's revenge. Troxa doubts Cole's sincerity. Cole shrugs this off, telling Troxa to do whatever he wants, but not to blame Cole if he fails. Troxa strides off, dematerializing into the mist as Cole calls after him, "The key to getting them is in the Book of Shadows. It's up in the attic." Aw, Cole. You so naughty. C'mere, you nasty little demon, you.
Cut to Phoebe stomping through the manor parlor, slamming windows shut as she goes. She's still pissed off at Prue, and will not listen to Piper's hesitant justifications for Prue's behavior. Their little argument is interrupted by the sound of Leo orbing in. He appears, wearing a stupid grin and holding a very large Hershey's kiss. "Not tonight," Piper tells him. "We all have headaches." Word. Phoebe enlists his aid in closing the windows. Troxa the Invisible Mouthbreather enters, and pants his way to the stairwell. Cut to Prue in the attic, where she closes the window. Sensing something wrong, she turns to give the seemingly-empty room the once over. She catches sight of the barely-visible Troxa in a broken mirror, and TKs him back against the wall, stunning him, apparently, into full rematerialization. He leaps on top of her, there's a brief struggle, then Prue flips him over onto the grid. Demon electrocution, part the second. Hearing Troxa's screams, Piper, Phoebe, and Leo race to the attic. Prue pulls one of the crystals out of formation, pausing the electrocution. She demands to know who Troxa is and what he knows of the Triad. Through the smoke rising from his freshly-zapped chest, Troxa refuses, and Prue replaces the crystal to zap him some more. When she again removes it, Troxa gasps out his name, and reveals that the Triad has sent another as well. As he mutters Belthazor's name, the Triad calls him back to hell by vanquishing his goateed ass in a blaze of orange flames.
Apologies from Piper and Phoebe for not believing in Prue's demon theory. She shushes them, telling them they need to check out the two new demon names in the BoS. Piper finds the entry for Troxa, and reiterates what we already know: he's invisible, but is sensitive to cold. Prue guesses that she never would have seen him, had their intruder not turned the house into an icebox. Phoebe asks Leo if this means the sisters have another guardian. He replies that he doesn't know, but it wouldn't hurt in the fight against Belthazor, who happens to be "an infamous demonic soldier of fortune." Phoebe and Prue recognize his image in the BoS as that of the demon they caught in the attic two weeks ago. Piper determines the three are temporarily out of danger, and heads off to bed. Leo orbs out to get more information on Belthazor, and Phoebe also heads off to her room, but not before noticing Prue had scrawled Cole's name in her notes as a possible "Level One Demon." Phoebe suggests Prue call him in the morning to apologize, and Prue, somewhat hesitantly, agrees.
Prue's darkroom. She places a couple of sheets of exposed photo stock into trays of developer, then starts the timer. As the images emerge, though, she notices something strange. Someone has apparently been using her camera to photograph her. As she leans in for a closer inspection of the images, a figure leaps from the shadows behind her and slams her face into a tray of developer. Blinded, Prue gropes about in front of her. Cut to a blurry Prue POV, then fade to black.
Manor kitchen, the following morning. Piper makes "meeting tonight's product-placed band" noises, and asks Phoebe if she can give her a ride. Phoebe's distracted by the "loose ends" that remain -- specifically, the non-demonic details of broken mirrors, stolen personal items, blasting air conditioning, and maggoty roses. She has a lingering suspicion Darryl is right about the stalker, but Piper tries to calm her, noting that Darryl has Sean's information, and Darryl will take care of things from here. Piper then wonders if Phoebe's seen Prue. Phoebe replies that Prue's bed has been made and her car is gone, but that it's entirely too early for Prue to be at 415's offices. Phoebe grabs the cordless to call Prue. We get a couple of shots of Prue's cellular buzzing around on a table, until it's snatched up by a disembodied hand. A woman pretending to be Prue tells Phoebe everything's fine, as we glimpse Prue, lashed to a chair and unconscious in a darkened room. Phoebe tells the impostor they have a bad connection, and we cut to reveal Abbey babbling into the cellular. Didn't see that coming, did we? Oh yeah, we did, way back in that dissolve from StalkerCam to Abbey at the bar. Abbey cuts the call short and paces back and forth, looking above her. Piper and Phoebe leave, as Abbey listens from the cellar below. Once she's certain they've left, she arouses the still-blinded Prue, telling her the two are alone now.
Okay, kids: psychosis time, Single White Female flavor. Abbey's been Prue's true stalker all along, envying as she has Prue's cool professionalism, successful stature in the community, and popularity with the boys. Not to mention Prue's irresistible Paisley Tit Sling of Poor Taste, which Abbey straps herself into during her rant. She is a sicko, isn't she? More babbling in this vein as Prue surreptitiously TKs loose the rope binding her hands. Abbey's going to assume Prue's identity after she plugs Prue full of bullets, but wants to know one thing first: how did Prue throw her through the window during her earlier visit two nights ago? (Actually, Abbey asks how Prue threw her through "the door" "last night." I'd send a letter of complaint, but I know they don't have a continuity editor, and if they did, that person would just tell me that Jennifer Abbey Leigh here no longer has a grip on reality, much less the proper time frame for this episode. See the "Logic Leaps" section of DawsonsCreek.com for an example of this, then down a shot of the liquor of your choice.) Prue responds with "like this," and forcefully TKs Hedra into a set of shelves. Freeing her hands, Prue TKs more storage tchotchkes in Hedra's direction and gropes her way up the staircase.
P3. Phoebe and Piper rush in to answer the ringing phone. It's Darryl, who's calling them because he can't reach Prue. The fingerprints match Abbey. Hearing this, Piper and Phoebe break into Abbey's employee locker, which they find conveniently stuffed with various psycho stalker treats, including Prue's brands of perfume and cosmetics, and a journal detailing Prue's daily movements, complete with black-and-white surveillance photos. Gripping one of these pictures, Phoebe gets a sudden premonition of Abbey shooting Prue in the manor's parlor. She and Piper run out of the club.
Manor. Blind Prue hides in one of the hallway's coat closets. Enter Jennifer Abbey Leigh, toting an automatic and clad in the Paisley Tit Sling of Poor Taste, a tangled Prue-ish wig, and black capri pants. Prue astral-projects her image behind the skittish psycho, who spins around to fire off five shots at the false image. Prue APs again, in a different location, and Hedra fires off another four rounds. Prue, faintly discerning Abbey's form, takes advantage of her confusion by leaping from the closet to tackle Abbey to the floor. Prue fumbles her way to the front door but is body-checked by Abbey into the doorframe. Prue beats her off and stumbles to the kitchen, where, sightless, she remains trapped. Abbey moves in, takes aim, and fires, but she and the bullet are frozen by Piper. Phoebe and Piper hustle to Prue's side to comfort her, and Prue gets in one last telekinetic smackdown, hurling the frozen Abbey into a cabinet. You know, it must cost them a fortune to repair all of this damn furniture every week.
P3AD, flooded with two-drink maximum patrons. The product-placed poor man's Johnny Rotten wails out a tune I will not be rushing out to purchase at any time during this century. New club hire Rachel passes Prue and Phoebe a Coke and an Evian, respectively. I get it -- this must be how the club turns a profit: charge $3.50 each for the two-per-patron cocktails, then gouge the suckers by charging ten bucks a pop for soda and bottled water. Prue rudely quizzes Rachel on her life situation and aspirations. Rather than backhanding Prue, Rachel allows that she's engaged, and bartending only until she finishes her master's in education, after which she intends to be a schoolteacher. Prue stuffs the tip jar, then turns to Phoebe for the Weekly Summation. Phoebe asks Prue if Leo is really installing a security system in the manor. Prue confirms that he is, and adds this week's public service announcement. From now on, the Ps will have to "lock the doors and do all that other responsible stuff women should do in the big city." It's about frigging time, you nimrods. You're just lucky Richard Ramirez isn't stomping through the streets of San Francisco any more.
Cole enters under the cautious gaze of Prue, just as Phoebe adds that they have to keep an eye out for Belthazor as well. Prue tells Phoebe she should be careful of Cole as well, and Phoebe pouts a bit in disappointment that Prue still disapproves of the ADA. Prue allows reluctantly that she doesn't disapprove, necessarily; it's just that they don't know him that well. Phoebe perks off to rectify that situation, and Prue notices Sean sitting with a couple of two-drink-maximum drinking buddies on one of the club's sofas. She skips over to him, he announces he thinks she's "high maintenance," she coyly agrees, and then she drags him off to the dance floor. Meanwhile, Phoebe's engaged in a little flirtation with Cole. Phoebe hopes the two are "still friends," Cole hopes they're "more than that," Phoebe challenges him to "prove it," and he pulls her merry-widowed torso into a clinch. They pull one of those somewhat distasteful lip-sucking kisses -- Cole with his eyes open for most of it -- and then settle into a more traditional liplock as the scene fades to...God, no. No, please.
I've never done anything in my life horrible enough to merit having to watch what follows. Really. I might tipped less than fifteen percent on occasion, and yes, I've told guys I'd call them just to be polite and then threw their numbers out behind their backs. I've gone fifty in thirty-five-per zones, I've even drunk straight from the communal carton of milk, but for the sake of all that is holy and good, I never did anything to deserve this: Piper and Leo, naked in bed. Piper's just coming down from (ohGodithurts) orgasm as Leo rolls off of her, praising her superior technique (killmekillmenow) when she "concentrates." Way to make her sleep in the wet spot, champ. Overhead shot of the two in (thepainthehorriblepain) post-coital bliss, with Piper shouting up at the Powers That Be and, by extension, the viewing audience, "I hope you enjoyed the show." Cram it, slut.
I should get battle pay for shit like that. ["Done." -- Sars]
week on Charmed: Shannen Doherty pulls out all the stops for her Emmy reel, as Prue, literally, feels our pain. You're a week too late for me, sweetie. A week too goddamned late.