The Witch Is Back

Demian: As I remember, SunMoon, it was upon this fashion bequeathed me by blah blah Shakespeare.
SunMoonStar: Whatever, dude. Yonder comes my videocassette.
Demian: Go apart, SunMoon, and thou shalt hear how it will shake me up.

We fade up on some establishing footage stolen from the Demi Moore version of The Scarlet Letter. The helpful caption identifies this place as Salem, Massachusetts, in the Year of Our Lord 1692. The camera cuts to take in the scrawny calves of a jailer and his visitor, picking their buckle-shoed way across colonial filth to a locked cell door. The scrawny calves of the jailer never get a face, which makes me think they squeezed a luckless, starving production assistant into hose and clunky shoes for the establishing shot, the better to avoid paying an extra. The malnourished production assistant masquerading as a jailer opens the cell door to allow a dark-haired Fabio wannabe entry. Get a haircut, you ass. The ass crosses the threshold to confront the woman therein. She spins about on her heel and breathlessly whispers, "Matthew!" He addresses her as "Melinda," and then the two bicker about some love affair gone wrong. Seems he's denounced her as a witch, and the good people of Salem intend to burn her at the stake -- which, by the way, never happened during the witch trials. The accused were sentenced to death by hanging, but you all knew that already, right? So, anyway, we're gifted with a bit more backstory. To wit, this Matthew cretin stole Melinda's powers somehow, and he intends to move on to seduce innumerable witches in the future after she's gone. Not so fast, girly-man. Melinda rips a locket from her throat and flings it into his chest. Matthew unlatches it and removes a piece of paper that bursts into flame. According to Melinda, the burning paper strips Matthew of the powers he stole from her. She then chants the following as a magical whirlwind whips around Fabio:

Outside of time,
Outside of gain.
Know only sorrow --
Know only pain.

Fabio howls and moans and disappears into the locket, which flares and snaps shut.

Buckland's, three hundred and six years later. The same locket rests on a velvet-enshrouded display board with a few other silver trinkets. Rex sets the tray down on Prue's desk and tries to pry open the locket with his fingernails before Prue interrupts him. He asks that she catalogue these latest items from "an estate back East," and leaves. Of course, the first item Prue examines is the locket. She effortlessly flicks open the catch. Heh. Rex is such a fricking wimp. A light puff of smoke billows from the locket as the door to Prue's office slams shut of its own accord. Prue, startled, whips her head around as a magical whirlwind spouts from the locket in her hands. Fabio presently appears therein and stretches his back as he yawls a bit. "I'm back," he announces -- rather tepidly for one so supposedly threatening -- "and the world has changed." Apologies to all you Billy Wirth fans out there (and I'm sure your numbers are legion), but this guy sucks. And not in the good way. Well, to be honest with you, I have no way of knowing if he sucks in the good way or not, but it seemed like the appropriate sentence fragment to tack on to that last statement. In any event, Prue and Fabio make with the meet and greet. Fabio determines that Prue must be a descendent of Melinda Warren, for only one of her offspring could have freed him from the locket-sized prison in which he's been whiling away the last three centuries. Prue, naturally, TKs Fabio into a wall, and he slumps to the floor. From his rumpled position on the carpet, he thanks her. You see, he "tricked" her into using her power on him, thereby giving him both said power and immunity against it. He rises to his feet and squishes poor Prue against the wall opposite with a little TK and a very large chair. As she slithers out to race towards the door, Fabio blinks out from where he had been standing to reappear behind her. He wraps his arm around her neck and demands she freeze time. Prue, quietly freaking, whispers that she can't do that. "So you're not alone," Fabio guesses. He blinks over to her desk to examine her nameplate. "And the family name is now Halliwell," he continues. Prue gasps and shudders as the wimp Rex calls to her from the hallway. Fabio shoots Prue the evil eye, then turns to face the bank of windows in her office. He squints, and one of the sheets of glass explodes outwards. Fabio leaps onto the ledge before disappearing downwards.

Prue edges towards the shattered window in time to see Fabio land upright and unharmed in the middle of an outdoor cafe on the sidewalk fifteen floors below. Various day players in business suits goggle at him as he strides through the tables. Fabio whisks a cruller from a diner's plate before disappearing down the street. Above, the camera tracks in towards Prue as she gapes and we slide into the opening credits.

And we're back. A twee, trilling ovary covers a Phil Collins masterpiece as we reel through the opening travelogue. Over at Buckland's, the outdoor caf has been encircled with police tape as the goggly day players jaw and gesticulate amongst themselves. Eventually, we land on Andy and Darryl interviewing a particularly obnoxious businessman regarding Fabio's unusual appearance. Why is the businessman obnoxious? Because he says he "was just sittin' there, readin' the sports page, drinkin' a cup of joe." Die, fucker. Darryl, needless to say, finds it hard to believe that Fabio would survive a twelve-story drop from the shattered window above unscathed. Andy, in Mulder mode, draws Darryl aside for a private chat. Andy has no problem believing that wacky Wiccan hijinks are afoot, because, he points out, Fabio dropped into the caf from Prue's office. Andy strides purposefully towards Buckland's entrance as Darryl sighs and rolls his eyes. I am so with you, my brother.

Manor. Up in the kitchen, Piper babbles flirtatiously about crab cakes as the Dolt works on the kitchen sink and Phoebe shoots her sister the old stink-eye from behind the newspaper. Blah blah blah crabcakes, if you will. There's some tedious business involving some sort of wrench attachment and Piper's ignorance thereof before Phoebe physically drags Piper into the dining room. "Ask him out already!" Phoebe hisses. "Give him some of your crab!" Lovely. Piper's nervous that the Dolt will say no, because Piper's never invited a gentleman on a date before. Phoebe's incredulous. "Am I the only person in this family who's inherited the 'Take The Chance' gene?" she asks. No, Phoebe. You're the only person in the family who's a slut. There's a difference. Phoebe opines that it's about time Piper started making the first move. Piper clenches and heads back into the kitchen. Once there, she whips out the Donna Reed and offers the Dolt some iced tea. He accepts gratefully. Piper retrieves the pitcher from the refrigerator and sets it on the counter to the Feebs, who immediately biffs it towards the floor with her elbow. Piper panics and flings out her hands, freezing both the cascading iced tea and the Dolt. You know, I've always wondered how she could freeze the Dolt, yet could never freeze her sisters. I also know I'm never going to get a reasonable explanation, so I should just learn to live with my withering disappointment, right? So, there's a bit of manic mugging as Piper scrambles for a bucket to catch the tea and Phoebe does not apologize for spilling it in the first place, followed by Prue storming into the room just as the freeze wears off. "We are in serious trouble," Prue blares. She pulls herself up short when she spots the Dolt beneath the sink, fixes a false smile on her face, and orders a meeting upstairs in the attic. The Ps dart out of the room as the Dolt obliviously bangs away on his pipe. Oh, not like that. Ew.

Manor. Up in the attic, Melinda marvels at the current size of the Book of Shadows, revealing what we already know about the thing -- specifically, "each generation of Warren witches" adds to it as it sees fit. This is news to the gals, but whatever. Melinda flips through a couple of pages and hoots when she stumbles across the instructions for the Fabio vanquish. Prue hands her a slip of paper and a pencil. "No ink?" Melinda asks. No. No ink, because it's a fucking pencil, you moron. Piper notices a spell "to increase patience" that she supposes Grams wrote to deal with the wee Ps. Phoebe doofs something about how they were all little hellions when they were younger. Piper and Prue immediately turn on her. Heh. "You were the troublemaker," Prue spits. Phoebe splutters. "A pain," Piper adds. "A free spirit," Phoebe counters. "A handful," Piper sneers. "A flibbertigibbet, a will-o-the-wisp, a CLOWN!" I shriek at my much-abused television. "A Warren," Melinda finishes. I like my contribution more. Melinda continues that all Warren witches get "short tempers, great cheekbones, the strong will, and of course the powers" as part of their birthright. "Great cheekbones"? You don't know what plumbing is -- you don't know how to use a fucking pencil -- but you can toss off "great cheekbones" in conversation? Shut up, Melinda. Shut up a lot. Blah sisterhood blah Wicca blah BoS blah heritage blah whatever. Melinda finishes copying the vanquish, and the four women head downstairs.

Over at Buckland's, Hannah and the Wimp display surveillance photos of each P to Fabio, who makes some tedious remark about how he "cannot feel the brush strokes" on these "marvelous paintings." Shut it, asshole. And get a haircut while you're at it. Pasty-faced, manky-haired dork. The Wimp sends Fabio and Hannah off to [72virg=ins] to steal Piper's power.

Manor kitchen. Piper prepares some of the vanquish ingredients while Melinda gives poor Feebs a pep talk about how valuable a passive power such as hers can be. Prue, meanwhile, stands guard at the window, waiting for Andy to return to the Manor with a warrant for her arrest. Eventually, they run down Melinda's list for the missing ingredients. Piper can swipe the errant herbs and whatnot from [72virg=ins], but Phoebe notices that there's one ingredient they might not be able to find: A feather from a spotted owl. Why can't they get it? Because spotted owls are now on the endangered species list. And here's where my brain shot right out of my ear, leading to an extended stay at a lovely sanitarium near Lake Geneva for a couple of weeks. Fucking Melinda wouldn't have used a feather from the goddamned endangered spotted owl because fucking Melinda lived in Massa-fucking-chusetts and the goddamned endangered fucking owl is indigenous to the Pacific. FUCKING. Northwest. Arrrggghauuughuaaaghghah. Phoebe suggests that they try a zoo. Melinda: "What's a zoo?" AAAAUAUUAUUUGH! Prue finally steps in to halt all of this bullshit by announcing that she'll take care of the goddamned feather. Phoebe offers to accompany Piper to [72virg=ins], and the ladies break.

[72virg=ins]. Fabio and Hannah eye the entrance from Hannah's car. Fabio makes unnecessarily audible threats as we fade into the commercial break.

[72virg=ins]. Again. Piper and Phoebe barrel and babble through the dining area. A waitress stops Piper for a chat while Phoebe sails on alone. As the waitress tells Piper that someone with an English accent called to confirm that Piper was working that day, we cut to the kitchen, where Phoebe attempts to fend off Fabio with a rolling pin. Fabio whacks it out of her hand and latches on to her upper arms. Phoebe's hurled into a vision of Fabio choking Melinda in the Manor. Fabio sneers something about capturing Phoebe's power, tosses her to the floor, and blinks out. Piper enters to receive a quick recap from the Feebs.

Manor. The camera pans down from the facade to reveal Andy eyeing the house from his car in the street below. Inside, Prue tells Melinda that she found a goddamned spotted owl at her former place of employment, the Armenian Mutant. They hug, and Prue bolts. Outside, Prue peels off down the street in her convertible, followed presently by Andy.

Up in the kitchen, dim Melinda scares herself witless by playing with the Cuisinart. Well, more witless than she was before. The phone rings. Melinda freaks. The answering machine picks up the call. It's Phoebe, of course, calling to warn Prue and Melinda about Fabio. Melinda just hovers above the answering machine, screaming at it. God, she's dumb. I mean, yeah with the anachronisms and all that, but sweet Jesus on a stick. Now we know where the Feebs gets her staggering intellect. Eventually, Melinda slams her hand on the machine, shutting it off. Over at [72virg=ins], Phoebe barks, "The line went dead." Phoebe and Piper race outside to their car.

Back at the Manor, Fabio slams through the front door. During the incredibly dull scene that follows, Billy Wirth makes a valiant attempt at virile menace, only to end up flopping flaccidly on the floor. Get a damn haircut, tool. Melinda learns that he's captured Phoebe's power when he clamps a hand on her neck and staggers his way into a premonition of the Ps plus Melinda completing the vanquish in the kitchen. He demands to know the whereabouts of Prue. Melinda sends him to the zoo. Fabio lopes out of the Manor.

Buckland's. Hannah lurches into The Lair Of The Wimp to admit that she lost track of Fabio and the gals. The Wimp bitches, then sends her off again to find them.

Manor. Piper and Phoebe clomp in, calling for Melinda. She answers from the parlor, and confirms that they retrieved the missing herbs from [72virg=ins]. Melinda also informs them that Prue's fetching the goddamned feather. "How?" Phoebe asks.

The camera pans across the darkened city before we land on the front steps of the Armenian Mutant of Neurasthenic Histrionics. Fog abounds. Nice touch. Pity they seem to have abandoned such touches in recent seasons. Prue scampers out through a side door, unseen by the wage-slave security guard, that goddamned spotted feather in her hand. Andy emerges from the fog and grabs her arm. Busted!

Buckland's. Fabio sends Hannah flying through the Wimp's office door. Is that any way to treat a lady? Honestly. The villains snarl at each other. The Wimp insists Fabio track down Piper to copy her power of molecular manipulation. Um, I mean "freezing time." Fabio wants to track Prue down first and kill her before she can curse him back into the locket. They compromise. Sort of. The Wimp hands Fabio an automatic pistol from his desk drawer and suggests that Fabio return to the Manor and use it as necessary. Fabio fondles the gun and smiles.

The Armenian Mutant. Andy grills Prue in his car while twirling that goddamned spotted feather around in his fingers. He threatens to charge her with breaking and entering and obstruction of justice unless she 'fesses up to whatever it is that's going on in her life. Prue tries to reason with him, then just gives up and squints at his steering wheel. Her squinty telekinesis activates the driver's-side airbag, which traps Andy in the car. She snatches the goddamned feather from his hand and disappears into the mist. And also into the commercial break.

Back from the break, Melinda, Piper, and Phoebe cluster around the center island in the kitchen. Melinda spoons the processed vanquishing herbs into a small leather pouch as her great-whatever-daughters worry themselves sick over Prue's whereabouts. Melinda's confident that Prue will return with the goddamned feather in time, and once she has, all they need do is add it to the pouch and hunt down Fabio. Surprise! Fabio's already there! And he's got a gun! He waves a hand at Piper, who levitates across the kitchen floor into his arms. He presses the barrel of the gun against her temple, ordering her to freeze him. Piper flatly refuses to do so, so Fabio waves the gun around in Phoebe's direction. Shoot her, Fabio! Shoot her in the head! Doesn't happen. Instead, we get a little deus ex Prue. The Prueminator motors into the kitchen through the back door and immediately TKs the automatic from Fabio's hand. While Fabio himself is immune to her telekinesis, he most certainly is not immune to that kitchen chair Prue sends crashing into his skull. Fabio crumples to the floor, allowing Piper to scamper over to Phoebe's side while Prue passes that goddamned spotted feather to Melinda. Melinda shoves the goddamned thing into the pouch of herbs just as Fabio rises to his feet. Piper finally hurls a freeze at the pasty-faced, manky-haired tool. Melinda recites the vanquishing spell from the top of the hour, and Fabio howls and vanishes into a whirlwind that sucks him back into the locket. "This is for eternity," Melinda vows.