“ Cynda sneers playfully and crushes a beer can between her hands. Demonic? Or Australian? You decide. ”
The ladies and the neighbors chat a bit, during which we discover that the neighbors have recently purchased this house. The boys are dressed in dork-chic retro resale, and Cynda looks like she specializes in rehabbing cast-offs found at the Salvation Army, so I'm guessing they're meant to be dot-com types so nouveau with their riche that the ink is still drying on the bills. Either that, or they inherited an obscene amount of money from their presumably-deceased parents, because how the hell else could they afford a house in the Halliwells' neighborhood? More importantly, why isn't Prue asking them these very questions? A trio of early-twenties siblings suddenly buys the multimillion-dollar home across the street, and the coven's Alpha Witch has no suspicions whatsoever? Feh. Chattering over, the neighbors disperse to leave the Ps to their own devices, but not before Cynda sneers playfully and crushes a beer can between her hands. Demonic? Or Australian? You decide.
"Okay," Prue announces. "I came, I saw, I was perky, and now I just want my head on a pillow." Piper and Phoebe protest that it would be far too rude of her to leave when they've just gotten there. Prue, knowing that rudeness is one of her strengths, senses tomfoolery afoot and orders the other two to level with her. Piper and the Feebs play dumb -- one far more authoritatively than the other -- before the Feebs sing-songs, "Oh, look who's here! What a co-inky-dink!" Shut up, Phoebe. Prue glances over her shoulder to spy Andy Trudeau, doing the "hey there" frat-boy jazz-hand wave-thing from across the room. Miss Prue is most displeased. Phoebe giggles and claims she invited Andy for Prue's own good, and then she books away with Piper in tow before Prue can smash a bottle over her head. Andy sidles on over, and they make with the banter. Something about the Halliwell gals working on world peace after they master the art of subtlety, so, you know, expect the bombs to start dropping any minute now. Andy, by the way, looks like he's fifteen years older than most of the yahoos at this party. So, banter, banter, banter, and it's awkward for them, and Andy's lipless wonder of a mouth invites Prue to a Warriors game, and then it's awkward for me, because I have to admit that I had no idea the Warriors were a basketball team until Prue snarked about their dismal record against the Lakers. Prue nervously begs off, claiming that she "might have a thing" that Saturday. Neighbor Fritz dorks up to her rescue, interrupting the conversation to ask if Andy's really a cop, 'cause Fritz has these parking tickets, you see. Prue smirks at Fritz and wordlessly abandons Andy in the middle of the party. Snicker.
“ The camera slowly pulls in to her face. Shannen Doherty, mistress of the expressionless expression, blankly escorts us into the commercial break. ”
At that moment, Prue rounds the corner below to begin her climb up the steps. The mailman scampers back indoors, hurls the Book into the parlor, and morphs into Andy. Prue enters and starts at the sight of her supposed boyfriend. The Mandy feigns surprise, claiming he dropped by to check on the gals and found the door unlocked. Prue narrows her eyes at this and sets her purse on the entrance table. She spots the Book reflected in the hallway mirror and turns to surreptitiously TK it across the parlor floor under a low bookcase. Too-casually, she remarks that she's changed her mind about those Warriors tickets now that The Teflon Dad is in town. As she wants to avoid her father at all costs, she agrees to go to the game. The Mandy does a very bad job of pretending to know what she's talking about, all stuttering and stammering and blurting, "Great!" Neighbor Cynda suspiciously raps on the door, poking her head inside for a quick hello, making like they've agreed to keep an eye on each other's homes in light of last night's canine invasion of the Manor. Prue thanks her and waves her off. Cynda glares at The Mandy and exits. The Mandy fidgets and notes that he should probably leave as well. He awkwardly pecks Prue on the cheek and leaves. Prue locks the door behind him, pauses to collect herself, then clomps through the parlor to retrieve the Book from the floor. She examines it thoughtfully as she heads for the stairs. Upon reaching the blown-in attic door, she draws herself up short in consternation and mutters, "What the hell?" as she gazes upon the wreckage in the room. The camera slowly pulls in to her face. Shannen Doherty, mistress of the expressionless expression, blankly escorts us into the commercial break.
Remember that "Mr. Roboto" commercial for the Volkswagen Golf? Yeah, well, it's still annoying.
Manor kitchen. Prue has recalled Piper and Phoebe for a crisis conference. As she flips through the Yellow Pages, presumably to find someone to fix the attic door (and sweet baby Jesus in a feed trough, we all know who that's going to be), Prue notes that it's awfully odd how their estranged father's sudden reappearance has coincided with two attempts to steal the Book of Shadows. "The Craft is a chick thing, Prue," Piper whines. "It's passed on down through the female line. There's a good chance Dad doesn't even know we're Charmed." Prue's not buying this argument, pointing out that there's an equal chance The Teflon Dad does know about their powers. Meanwhile, Phoebe quietly flashes back to her premonition at the hotel. She stammers, "Let's just say he is after the Book. Wouldn't he have just taken it?" So, the ladies are not yet aware of the Book's powers of self-defense. Got that? Piper flatly states that they should report the break-in to the police, which seems like a good idea to me. Won't the police dust for prints, and wouldn't they then be able to determine if The Teflon Dad is the culprit? Well, unless Victor's one of those morphing types who can alter his fingerprints, I suppose, but then again, the gals aren't aware of that little plot twist yet, so whatever. Call the police, you morons.
“ Cynda morphs yet again into a ghoulish creature with sunken eyes, sharp teeth, and Joan Jett's shag haircut. I told you she was butch. ”
The "Beaumark." Prue-cam, as the witch in question stalks through the restaurant. The Teflon Dad rises to slather her with the same sort of oily slickery he used on her younger sisters, but Prue dumps sand down his pants, demanding to know where he's been for the last twenty years. And, oh yeah! If he can afford to stay at The "Beaumark," why didn't he return to offer aid when Grams died? The gals could have used some money back then. Piper attempts to smooth things over by feeding Prue the line of crap Victor fed her about the money being "new." Prue shuts her down. The Teflon Dad attempts to beguile her with some fatherly reminiscing, but Prue just trains her laser-like Eyes Of Disdain on him and spits, "We're sharing memories? I've got one of my own -- your back walking out the door." Oooh! Burn! For some reason, The Teflon Dad chooses to change the topic of conversation by tripping a passing waiter. Piper, naturally, panics and freezes the entire restaurant. Before the freeze can wear off, she scampers around the table to snatch the dessert tray from the stumbling waiter's hands. The scene unfreezes just as she's placing the dessert on the table. "Nice reflexes," smirks The Teflon Dad. "So, let me get this straight," he continues nonchalantly. "Piper, you [can manipulate the molecular structure of objects, thereby freezing them or blowing them up as you see fit]. Prue, don't you move objects? And what's your special trick, Phoebe? Premonition?" The Glamorous Ladies gape as The Teflon Dad suggests that they move the conversation to a more private arena.
Manor. "Piper" and "Phoebe" slouch on sofas in the parlor, paging through magazines. Mailman-cam as the demon himself stalks silently through the outer rooms. "Piper" leaps to her feet and howls, "What are you doing here?" "Phoebe" rises as well and orders him to leave. The mailman counters that the "Ps" themselves should scram "because they're on their way back." The mailman's voice ratchets up an octave as he says this, and he presently morphs into Fritz. "Phoebe" and "Piper" morph into Marshall and Cynda, respectively, and the new demonic neighbors bicker about how they're going to get the Book out of the Manor. Having seen more than my fair share of Twilight Zones and Outer Limitses in my time, I was completely unfloored by this development. In fact, so unfloored was I that I levitated up to the ceiling of my apartment and floated out through the skylight with boredom. By the way, I'd have referred to these three as The Wonder Triplets from their first appearance in the recap, but I thought it better to maintain the suspense. Heh. I crack myself up sometimes. Cynda morphs yet again into a ghoulish creature with sunken eyes, sharp teeth, and Joan Jett's shag haircut. I told you she was butch. Referring to Our Intrepid Trio, Cyndett howls, "Let's kill them!"
Out in the street, the Ps plus The Teflon Dad pull up in the Grand Cherokee and disembark.
“ I guess they were more like The Wonder Twins than I initially realized, with Cynda of course being that frigging monkey. ”
Up in the Manor, Phoebe races through the main hallway, babbling to Prue that the neighbors are after the Book, not Victor, and that they must find a vanquish immediately. Cynda saunters in from the kitchen at this point with Piper to offer the Feebs some cookies. , Fritz wanders through the front hall, claiming the door was open. Finally, "Victor" strolls in, shouting, "Daddy's home!" Phoebe blathers an excuse and heads up to the attic on her own as Cynda shoots her an enormous and fake beauty-queen smile. That was redundant, wasn't it? Prue and Piper glance about at their unexpected guests.
Attic. Phoebe stumbles through the room and drops to her knees at a wardrobe, within which the gals have hidden the Book. She flips desperately through the pages, groaning, "I have no idea what I'm looking for!" The Book seems to hear this and begins riffling its pages of its own accord. Well, The Invisible Spectral Presence Of Grams begins riffling the wah wah wah. The Book lands on the following spell, which Phoebe mutters a few times to herself in order to commit the thing to memory:
When in the circle that is home
Safety's gone and evils roam,
Rid all beings from these walls.
Save sisters three -- now heed our call.
By the time Phoebe has rejoined Piper and Prue downstairs on the landing, the real Victor has entered the Manor to join Mictor in the front hall. Each attempts to convince the gals that he is The One True Teflon Dad. Victor finally orders Phoebe to say the spell, no matter the consequences. "But it'll kill everything in the house!" she moans. It will? Dude, where's Kit? Victor reminds her that he returned to San Francisco to save his daughters, so Phoebe should just go ahead and recite the damn spell already. Yeah, but what about the cat, you jackass? "After all," Victor adds, "I always wanted to go out with a bang." Oh, Phoebe. If you don't kill him, I will. Piper shouts something about the protection ring to Prue, who nudges the thing across the table to Victor with her eyes. When did Piper learn that the ring protected its wearer from spells? Whatever. It's almost over. Victor slips the ring onto his finger and once again orders Phoebe to recite the spell. She runs through it first on her own, then Prue and Piper join her to repeat it. Cynda immediately morphs into her Joan Jett form, while Marshall and Fritz remain pretty much the same. I guess they were more like The Wonder Twins than I initially realized, with Cynda of course being that frigging monkey. The force of the spell buffets Victor about, but the real damage hits The Wonder Trips. Their lower extremities begin to bubble and melt as they howl and wail and gnash their teeth. Eventually, the three as a group first melt into the carpeting, then vanish in a haze of smoke.
“ Teflon Dad realizes that he no longer needs to protect his 'little girls,' as they've become more than capable of protecting themselves on their own. For they are strong. (Strong!) They are invincible. (In-vin-ci-ble!) They are WOOOO-MAAAAN! Shut it, Pops. ”
Cue the cheddar-flavored denouement. The Teflon Dad realizes that he no longer needs to protect his "little girls," as they've become more than capable of protecting themselves on their own. For they are strong. (Strong!) They are invincible. (In-vin-ci-ble!) They are WOOOO-MAAAAN! Shut it, Pops.
Later that day, Prue finishes up a phone conversation with Andy, begging off the Warriors game in favor of dinner with Victor, and thanking him for his advice regarding her "dad." Phoebe overhears this last bit and titters, "So, it's 'Dad' now?" Prue confirms this, and the Glamorous Ladies settle in to share with us The Lessons They Have Learned. Prue admits that, despite everything that's wrong with The Teflon Dad, he's the only father they have, so she has to learn to accept him on his terms. Or something like that. Phoebe understands that she shouldn't cling to her own "romanticized" version of their father, because that sort of thing is ultimately just as useless as Prue's overweening hatred. Or something like that. Piper's just glad he came back, even if it was for only one day. And that one was pretty accurate. Poor Piper. Ever the doormat, no?
The doorbell rings. Let's see. They've vanquished the demons of the week, and we've already had two rounds of Lessons They Have Learned. Who the hell could possibly be ringing their bell with six minutes left in the hour? Oh, shit. Piper answers and returns to the parlor with...him. "You must be Mr. Wyatt?" Prue asks. "Just call me Leo." No. No! I'll call you a fucking dolt is what I'll do, you ass. The Fucking Dolt hands Prue an envelope he found on the doorstep, then dolts on and on and on about the beautiful craftsmanship in the Manor and dear Lord, why? WHY? Phoebe gets horny, dry-humps the arm of the sofa, then offers to show him the "attic," if you know what she means. As the Feebs and the Dolt are about mount the stairs (ew), Prue calls Phoebe back to the parlor. Seems the envelope is from Victor. He's canceled their dinner date, as he had to "leave town on business." He did, however, include a videocassette in the envelope, noting that the tape contains some memories he cherishes that he'd like to share with the three.
Cut to Piper, Phoebe, and Prue nestled into a single overstuffed armchair, watching their younger selves on the television. The tape is of Victor's last Christmas with the family, and I'm going to assume that would have been in 1976, even though this would mean Patty's already pregnant with Raige. I don't know why I bother. Nailing down specific dates on this show is an exercise in futility, but then again, I have to get my exercise somewhere, don't I? Almost as futile an endeavor, apparently, is expecting a certain amount of casting continuity. The woman celebrating the holiday with the wee Ps? In no way resembles Finola Hughes. For one thing, her teeth are tiny. Velour abounds, and Victor sports mutton-chop sideburns, both of which are nice choices. By the way, Phoebe got a Barbie that year. That could explain a lot, couldn't it? The Glamorous Ladies wax nostalgic as we fade to black.
time: Piper falls in love with a dead guy. No, not the Dolt. At least, not yet. Oy.