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Mia arrives at her first day of work greeted by lots and lots of gift baskets and flowers from the likes of Howard Stern. Clive tells her that she has to fire Grant, the head of marketing and the man who originally gave her a chance in the publishing biz. He's coasting, though, and when he makes ridiculous promises to a client Mia desperately needs to bag, she follows through and fires him. Unfortunately, the firing happens publicly, and Mia gets a lot of bad press for it. We'll see where that goes.
Zoë has a foe, and it's one of the moms from her kids' school. She's a stay-at-home mom, and they are all evil according to the mafia, but one in particular is really getting to her. Her name is Victoria, and she's played by George Clooney's ex-girlfriend, Krista Allen. She's kind of rad. She tries to outmother Zoë with Zoë's own children, and she hits on Eric. Zoë tells Victoria that she can hit on Zoë's husband, but she better not hit on her kids anymore.
Juliet and Davis have a really unsuccessful counseling session with the least perceptive marriage counselor ever, and Juliet gets a makeover at a fashion shoot where Caitlin is working. It's one of the most ridiculous things ever, and I'm praying that it's a sign of the direction this show will be going in. She comes out of a trailer looking like a French whore, and I will sleep better tonight because of it. She goes on a date with a classmate from b-school and makes out with him, though she's still undecided if she wants to do more.
Caitlin finally tells the girls that she's considering a change of diet to Meow Mix. They're not very shocked. I understand being open-minded, but she's one of your best friends. Wouldn't you at least be like, "Wow, this is a big change"? Anyway, she is making out with Alicia on a dance floor, and an ex-boyfriend of hers sees her, and she tries to act like she's not really on a date. Alicia walks out on her, and later, Caitlin tracks her down and apologizes. And, they make out some more. Want more? The full recap starts right below!
Previously, Mia got engaged then dumped, but she was promoted to Publisher of Barnstead Magazine Group. Zoë ran through an entire nanny in one day. Caitlin started dating a lady. Juliet found out that Davis was cheating on her with Cilla Gray, a townie. She told Davis that, as retribution, she will be taking a lover. And I referred to the song "Melt With You" as originally performed by Modern Love which is wrong and not an actual music group as far as I know. It's Modern English and sometimes my fingers don't work right.
It's morning, and Mika's playing (I know I'm right about this one-- "Love Today") while the ladies all change their purses and get ready for the day and stuff. Zoë takes kid stuff out of her purse and smiles. Juliet stoically walks to her well-organized closet and chooses a bag, but does not yet take a lover. Caitlin dumps the contents of her bag on her bed and searches for toothpaste. Her toothbrush is already in her mouth. Strange. Who does that? This is all to lead up to Mia unwrapping a brand-new Gucci bag. It seems like a spiritual moment for her. She's wearing the most amazing outfit of leather pants and a blouse with white puffy sleeves and a black bodice with a cowl neck. It's crazy and I love it. And, her hair is super-sleek and tucked into a soft bun. Her assistant leads her into her new office. The assistant seems very happy for her.
There are all sorts of gifts and flowers laid out for Mia, presumably to congratulate her on her new job. She names "the Mayor, Graydon Carter, Howard Stern" as several of the givers. You'd never expect muffins from Stern, she informs her assistant, unless a stripper delivers them. Is there a service like that? I'm looking for a second job. You know, just some mad money. As Mia's looking at a shrub with sunglasses all over it and a card reading, "Your future's so bright, you have to wear shades" a nattily dressed man sneaks into the office. He announces that the gift is from him. "Grant!" They hug. She apparently started in the company as Grant's assistant. She tells him that he is working "with" her, not "for" her. She needs to get Ian Weber, a photographer, to agree to an exclusive contract with their magazine, Havoc. He is having a gallery opening the night and she wants them to "do the double-team sweet talk." He stops her and tells her everything will be fine. Clive enters and says that he heard that Mia and Jack were no longer engaged -- Jack's a sore loser. Perhaps. Clive says that Mia has her priorities straight, and that he's glad he won't have to drink stale champagne at her office baby shower. Is that okay to say? I want to speak to HR at ol' Barnstead. He adds that he still has to worry about the baby shower scenario with Grant, and that he's had it up to here with the gays and their maternity leave. Definitely talk to HR. He tells Mia to see him when she has a minute, and leaves. Grant says that it's never good to get called to the office in this really passive-aggressive way. Grant's no good. He's an example from one of those "How To Deal With People At Work" articles that are all over your Hotmail account. He takes a pair of the sunglasses he gave Mia, puts them on, gives a gay flourish (in case we forgot; hey, we're already watching this show -- we are clearly familiar with gay) and leaves.
Zoë and Eric are walking their kids to school. Sasha is complaining that she doesn't have a Marc Jacobs bag. Wait a second -- she doesn't?! That's effing child abuse. The boy child (who has not been named yet) shows his parents the tree his class planted. He says that another class only planted an herb garden, and Zoë says that a tree is so much better. Eric tells her that she's not supposed to rank on the other classes, but she insists that a tree is better than an herb garden. I guess that's supposed to show us that Zoë is an uncommon mother, but I think it just shows that Eric is kind of a pill. Zoë says she would love to spend every morning looking at a new tree, which is an odd request, and Boy Child says that she could if she walked him to school every day. "I would love to, but Mommy has to work to make the money that hot-but-not-as-good-a-wage-earner daddy doesn't." She didn't really say that.
Okay, there's a problem with art direction, show. Just like the papier-mâché Barnstead Media sign, the "The Willcroft School" sign looks like it was hung yesterday, by the first-graders. They also made the sign. I can see the wires holding it. Suddenly, the family is greeted very excitedly by another mother. Zoë is not excited -- mostly, it seems, because the woman is wearing a velour tracksuit. I understand. She says that this is such a surprise because they never see Zoë at school. So, handbags and passive-aggressiveness are our trends this hour, I see. The lady asks Boy Child, and a girl who's with her, if they are "pumped for Thursday." The little girl says, "My mommy's coming," and hugs the woman. Boy Child says, "Mine is too. Right?" Could this be more contrived? Actual mothers feel actual guilt about their actual conflicting commitments that affect their actual children, and this is the best these writers could come up with. Was this written post-strike? Eric's all, "How could you forget the field trip, it's on the bulletin board." It's news to Zoë that they have a bulletin board. Don't most kids want their mothers NOT to come on the field trip? Anyway, Bitchy Mommy tells Zoë that there's only room for three parents on the trip, and that it's been booked for weeks. It's their most popular trip. But she asks "Lukie" if he wants to be in her group. Then, she suggests that they do something fun after school. "The girls" want to go to "Construct-a-Bear" after school, so they'll do that. Zoë's looking on, a little pissed. Then, Eric says that he has to get the kids "to class." They're already at the steps; do these kids need an embossed invitation? Once Eric and the kids have gone, Bitchy Mommy tells Zoë that he's adorable. Zoë's annoyed and walks away. So, we see that they want Zoë to feel like her family is in danger, but the writers didn't really do anything organically to make that happen. Maybe all of that info could have been spread into two scenes, or what we saw could have been handled more gracefully, but that was a really shitty scene. "I would love to spend every morning looking at a new tree"??? It's a line that was written entirely for the response. That's a problem with this show. "My mommy's coming!" No kid would say that. I'm sorry, they wouldn't. It was said just so Zoë could be pressured about not knowing anything about it. There are a million better ways to get there too. But, in what I hope is a trend, the casting has been very good in this episode so far. Damian Young (a.k.a. Valerie Cherish's husband) is playing Grant, and Krista Allen (a.k.a. George Clooney's ex-girlfriend) is Bitchy Mommy. They're both great in their first scenes.
Caitlin's in a meeting with an assortment of people, as well as her boo, Alicia. She says that women don't want to tan, they want to glow. Alicia suggests that they name the product they're working on the "no-blush blush." I think that's stupid. But I also think the actress playing Alicia has no charisma. So, I'm probs not going to like much of what comes out of her mouth. For some reason, Alicia makes the goo-goo eyes at Caitlin, and Caitlin starts looking uncomfortable. A guy in the meeting is concerned that they are only marketing to white people. Alicia points out that they buy makeup, and I'm imagining that, at this level of a meeting, that would be a pretty asinine comment to make. Yeah, white people wear makeup, genius lady. Then, she says that they should glow if they want to. She says all this while making more goo-goo eyes. It's almost like she's being mean to her. Caitlin asks if anyone wants something to drink. I think the lady on the couch has an idea of what's going on.
When the meeting's over, with everyone still in the room, Alicia (supposedly privately) confirms her date with Caitlin for the night. Then, she asks if Caitlin is wearing no-blush blush. Goddamn, that's stupid. So not sexy.
Davis and Juliet are in therapy. Davis says he believes that, deep down inside, he wanted to be caught cheating. He felt guilty and needed to be punished. The therapist asks Juliet if she's going to punish Davis. "You bet your ass I am," Juliet replies. Davis tells the therapist that she is threatening to sleep with one of his friends -- to take one of them as a lover, if you will. The therapist then asks Juliet why she thinks Davis had the affair, and Juliet informs her that he'd had more than one affair, but that the others were out of town. So this was an accepted part of their relationship? Juliet's getting hot now. She asks Davis if they have to do this, and hasn't he humiliated her enough? The therapist asks if Juliet's humiliated by talking to a therapist, and Juliet says yes. So, talk to Davis? One of my favorite therapy on TV clichés. First of all, these two would NOT be in joint sessions right now. A doctor would probably help Juliet decide if she even wanted to work things out with Davis before trying to mend their stuff. Davis says that he and Juliet don't talk much anymore, only to cover logistics. Then, per this show's lack of logic, Juliet replies, "Well maybe if I didn't have to handle every single social arrangement--" She was not talking to him! He was saying that they don't talk! What does that have to do with social arrangement? I'll tell you what -- it's just a clunky way of telling us that Juliet is this high-society mover and shaker. It's a cliché, but SHOW, DON'T TELL. Juliet tells the therapist that Davis manages a hedge fund and feels that it's good for business for him to be seen as part of a New York power couple. That sounds like bullshit. The therapist asks Juliet how she expresses her anger. Davis says that she doesn't -- she's an ice queen. Then, the therapist asks Juliet if she thinks that maybe Davis had the affair to get her attention. Bravo, Bones. That's an amazing deduction. You should work with eating disorder patients: "Have you considered that you make yourself throw up because you don't have the will power to just not eat?" Davis thinks the doctor is on to something. Getting her attention was definitely part of the reason he slept with Cilla. What was the other part? Having the "ultimate Upper East Side orgasm? Hearing the hundred-million woman scream out your name?" Juliet, you are no Bree Van De Kamp.
At Payard Patisserie, home of some freaking amazing macaroons, the mafia is meeting for coffee. Juliet asks if she's an ice queen. Everyone protests, except Mia, who's all, "Well, a little bit." Juliet says she thinks she's an ice queen and that she lost it in front of the marriage counselor. And, she fired the marriage counselor. Mia says that Juliet shouldn't stay in her marriage if it's just a habit for her. Zoë thinks that she should work it out if she wants. Mia says that Zoë would be the one to cheat in her relationship, which is horrible. She says she meant it as a compliment because Zoë is such a catch. Still horrible. Zoë has brought a list of eligible men from their combined address books. It's the "revenge sex spreadsheet." She passes out copies and hands out pencils, so that they can mark out men who are married or bald. Caitlin says that shaved can be hot, and Juliet says she'll settle for receding hairline. Her husband is kind of cute, so I don't think she'll need to settle. Juliet may want to work on her marriage, but Mia points out that, in the meantime, she has a free pass and can sleep with anyone and Davis can't say anything. This is all very adult and healthy. They start marking people off for being divorced, and then a bunch because they don't find them attractive. These girls are deep. Then, Caitlin finds the name Bobby Walsh. They went to business school with him. He asked Juliet out, but she was already involved with Davis. It looks like she was interested in him. Zoë Googles his name and finds a perfect headshot of him. How convenient that he's an actor in addition to being a divorced wealthy owner of a health-company dot-com. So, that's done. They're going to call him. Now, Zoë wants to move on to Caitlin with the leftovers from the spreadsheet. Caitlin says she's good. Mia reminds her that she never told them whom she kissed, and she says she kissed a girl. the rest of the mafiosi are remarkably calm. Caitlin says she's not sure if she's gay. Mia says it's hip -- lesbians are the new babies. Caitlin tells them that she likes someone -- they should just be supportive. She also points out that they've played on the same team before too. Mia went to Wellesley where, she says, it was part of the curriculum. Zoë kissed Jenny Magruber at summer camp. Juliet has done nothing Sapphic.
Mia is running into her office when she sees Grant. He's going to the James Perse sample sale and wants to know if she wants to come along. She can't -- she has to work. He's all jokey as he leaves. Clive is in her office when she gets there. He wants to know what she's going to do as Publisher. She starts to talk about her plan to snag Ian Weber, and he says, "When I say, 'Let's talk,' I mean, 'I'll talk.'" He wants her to fire Grant and hire a new director of marketing.
Commercials. The real Greenlea is coming back to All My Children! Glory be!!!
In her office, Juliet tries to call Bobby Walsh, but hangs up when she gets his secretary. So, she calls Caitlin, who is at work on a photo shoot, and asks her what it's like to sleep with a stranger. Caitlin wonders if she's on Juliet's speed dial for "slut." You see, clever line, but does it apply to Caitlin so far from what we've seen? I'd have her on speed dial for "train wreck" or "messiest bathroom" or something like that. Juliet says she hates feeling insecure, but that she feels like she has to follow through with her promise to Davis. It was an oral contract and therefore binding, except in real estate. Caitlin says that sex on a first date can be awkward, but can also be wonderful. But, it's more awkward than wonderful. Juliet wonders if Bobby will even find her attractive, so Caitlin tells Juliet to meet her at work.
Mia is asking her assistant for all sorts of things, like she has never been at work before and needs to get everything at once. Then, she points out that she only has two pens on her desk, and that she never wants to look for a pen. Grant hears this, and enters Mia's office telling her that power becomes her -- she almost looks 5'2". Hee. She says that she learned from the master, but Grant says that she's the one who specializes in heavy lifting. I don't really know what that means, but I find it convincing. Mia replies that she doesn't see what's wrong with expecting people to work hard, when she works as hard as she does. Well, she has an espresso machine where other people have hearts, says Grant. Ouch. Frothy blood does not sound good. I'll have an aortacana soy with Splenda! Then -- I swear to God this is something I read in Esquire or something -- Mia says that they've been talking about her so much, what's he up to? It's some managerial tactic. Grant brushes her off and asks for a muffin from Mia's Howard Stern basket. Bitch did NOT just ask for a Stern muffin. He is so fired.
Juliet arrives at Caitlin's photo shoot. Caitlin hands Juliet over to two stylists, so she can remember that she's beautiful. So she can cheat on her husband.
Zoë arrives at Bitchy Sweatsuit Mommy's house to find her cooking tofu and veggies for her kids. They made an apple tart for dessert, so Zoë says they must have a line for play dates. Then, she looks at some sort of bulletin board (she knows to look out for those now) and sees that there is, in fact, a line for play dates. Bitchy Mommy suggests that the grown-ups have their own play date. Why don't both couples go out to dinner? The night? Zoë is thinking of a clever way to blow off Bitchy Mommy when her kids hand her a box and say they made something for her. Zoë says that Bitchy Mommy shouldn't have, but Bitchy Mommy says it was no trouble -- Zoë should just agree to have dinner the night. She does, and then opens the box to find a Working Mommy teddy bear. You push a button and it says, "I can't talk now, I'm on a conference call." Bitchy Mommy says that she had nothing to do with it. Zoë says it's "unbelievable." She thinks this bitchy mommy is out to get her.
Caitlin is having a high-powered phone call about the difference between "tweak" and "redo," as b-school grad women often do, when Juliet emerges from the style bus dressed like a total whore. She's wearing a one-sleeved red blouse, a super-thick gold and black belt, and a long black skirt. A 1950s European whore, but a whore nonetheless. Caitlin says it's time for Juliet to call Bobby Walsh. Juliet says she will...tomorrow. Then, she struts off. Caitlin doesn't believe her, so she calls Bobby.
Em brings in a failed math test to Davis and says that he has to sign it. He asks her if her mother has seen it. She says that she has. Juliet enters, and Em and Davis are stunned. He signs the test, and Em leaves. Davis thinks that Juliet's dressed up for him, so that they can work on things. Is that all you have to do to mend your relationship? Voluminize your hair? Anyway, he says that they'll start over the night. They're going to Nobu. Suddenly, Juliet gets a text message saying she has to meet Bobby for drinks the night. She's all sly and tells Davis that she can't go to Nobu; she has a date. Snap.
The girls are meeting for lunch. Caitlin says that she told Bobby there would be a b-school reunion, and that he was very excited to hear that Juliet would be there. Juliet says that she's not going. You made a contract, Juliet. Are you some sort of contract breaker? Zoë sits down and shows her awful bear, telling the girls about Bitchy Mommy. Juliet says that it's the classic Mommy War -- working women make stay-at-home mothers feel bad about themselves, so they try to guilt the working mothers. Oh really? The world really does revolve around these women. Zoë says that she doesn't want to have dinner with her. Mia says that, like they learned in b-school, she has to face the fire and take down her enemy. Where did she go to school, West Point?
At work, Mia sees Clive and Grant talking. She stops them before they can say anything dangerous, and calls Clive into her office to tell him she doesn't want to fire Grant. Clive says that he'll fire Grant instead; Grant is "phoning it in" and Mia knows it. He thought she knew that decisions at that level were tough.
That night, Zoë is working; she tells some Guy Friday that she needs to see her assistant, Katherine, because she's late for dinner. He tells her that Katherine left for the day. Zoë tells the person on the phone she'll do one more hour of work.
Eric is fielding the late call from Zoë as he walks into the restaurant to meet Bitchy Mommy. I'm not kidding -- no one has said her name. He tells her that Zoë is late, and she says that her husband "Strauss" got stuck in Boston. "Strauss." That's funny. They can't even name her, but they give her husband the most imaginative name on the show. Anyway, Eric proposes that they do dinner another night, but Bitchy Mommy says that they should just eat, as long as they're there. Then, a hostess says that their table is ready. Without their complete party? I think not. But, they sit.
Zoë is scrambling to leave the office, but there's no paper in the printer. Zach runs around to help her, reminding her not to forget her purse. I like this Zach -- he has the sad, soul-bruised look of an office urchin that I find very familiar. I hope we see more of him.
Back at the restaurant, Bitchy Mommy is getting super-cozy with Eric. She complains a little about dinner without the spouse, telling him that the only safe affair is between two people who don't want to end their marriages. She says that her offer is good at any time. Then, she reaches across the table and asks if she was wrong to say something. Zoë arrives and sees the touching. She bounds up to the table and sits with a smile.
Juliet is decked out in a pretty pink dress to meet Bobby at a bar. He's looking for the rest of the reunion, but says he's only interested in seeing her. She tells him that no one else will be there. They're flirting pretty hardcore.
Back at dinner! Bitchy Mommy says that her daughter loves malls. Their food arrives, and Zoë's ordered steak, which she imagines will annoy veggie Bitchy Mommy. She tells Zoë that she picked up her daughter at their house (and Eric didn't tell her), adding that she loves their kitchen and would like Eric to redesign hers, because most architects design from "here"(points at head) while Eric designs from "here"(points at heart). Yes, that happened. She says that Architectural Digest wants to run a feature on the renovation of her kitchen; that's enough for Eric. He's in. Zoë doesn't look happy.
At Cielo, a totally 2005 club in the meatpacking district, Caitlin and Alicia are dancing, and then kissing. A gross ex-boyfriend of Caitlin's approaches her and says that he didn't know she was gay. She says she's not, and Alicia gets mad and stomps away.
Juliet is telling Bobby about her contract to take a lover. He says she so crazy. She tells him that she comes from a long line of "dignified sufferers"; She has been with Davis since she was twenty-two. He is very interested and lets her know. On the street, Juliet tells Bobby she's not sure what will happen . She says she'll call him, and then they kiss. A really nice kiss. Nice work from Bill Sage in this scene.
That night, Zoë is pissed that Eric is taking the Bitchy Mommy job. He says that it's a career-making job, and is angry with her for thinking that Bitchy Mommy wants him for more (which she does). When he finally admits that she was hitting on him, he says that his work makes him happy and that he would never cheat on her. I think he's going to do the project.
Mia and Grant are at the Ian Weber party. She tells Ian that Barnstead will publish a coffee table book of his work, and he says that Grant promised him that it would be the size of a coffee table, so there could be no other books on the table. That's hysterical. Mia's like, "Er...," and Grant's just kind of looking on. She points out that coffee tables come in different sizes, and Ian says that each one would have to be custom-made. She steps aside and sees Caitlin, who complains about the Alicia fiasco and says that her life is like a romantic comedy, though not romantic or comedic. Wait, it's nothing like a romantic comedy. Mia shakes her off and grabs Grant. He doesn't accept any responsibility for what happened, so Mia fires him. She goes back to Ian and says that they can't custom-make the books -- that's ridiculous. He says, "It never hurts to ask," and is gone. Mia's still torn trying to talk to Grant and Caitlin. Grant says that Mia wouldn't be where she is without Grant. Caitlin says that's not true. Then, Grant starts getting louder and says he never should have hired Mia. He screams that everyone in the room knows what a bitch she is. He stomps out, and Caitlin says he's going to regret saying that.
The day, the Mia/Grant fight has been in Gawker, MediaBistro, and Romenesko. Mia's assistant, Tracy, brings something in, and Mia gets off the phone to talk to her. Tracy explains her work very stiffly, and Mia tells her that she was just going to say, "Good work." Tracy says that she wants to work her way up like Mia did. Tracy says that she wants to work with Ian Weber -- I think we've got a healthy mentor relationship getting birthed.
Juliet gets flowers from Davis. And, from Bobby. Bobby's reads, "Can't stop thinking about you." She sits down, giddy.
Caitlin stops Alicia on the street and apologizes for the night before. She says that she's not sure of the answers to all of the gay questions. This is possibly her first kind of maybe successful relationship. Alicia says that to call it a "relationship" is getting ahead of themselves. Then, they kiss. A lady stops on the street to stare. ["In New York? Really?" -- Wing Chun]
Zoë arrives at her kids' school, where Bitchy Mommy tells her that there's no room for more parents on the field trip. But, Zoë rented a sightseeing bus and ALL of the parents are on the upper level! She tells the still unnamed Bitchy Mommy that she understands her hitting on Zoë's husband, but that she'd better lay off Zoë's kids. She gets a phone call, and all of the girls are conferenced in. Bitchy Mommy says she needs to talk to Zoë (though I can't imagine what she wants to say), and Zoë replies, "I can't talk now. I'm on a conference call." Stay-at-home mommies, consider yourselves faced!!!