'Twas the week before Thanksgiving, and throughout the Crowe house,
Not a creature was stirring, not even an incestuous mouse;
The crucifix was hung by the window with care,
In hopes that Brother Justin soon would be there;
Iris was nestled all snug in her bed,
While visions of smelly whips danced in her head;
The Bible sat proud on the bedside table,
While I recapped the scene, as best as I'm able;
When out on the hall there arose such a clatter,
I hit TiVo fast-forward to see what was the matter.
And there he stood, like a ghost in the night,
Brother Justin was back, and ready to fight;
He tenderly stoked his dear sister's face,
And she awoke with start, and reached for the Mace;
"Shhh," he whispered, covering her mouth.
And that's when the scene started to go south;
For the hand was soon replaced by lips and a tongue,
Almost as if he wanted to lick big sister's lung;
But alas, this moment of perverse sibling bliss,
Was interrupted by my shouts of, "And then they kiss!"
"Now, Chris! Now, Cathy! Now, Leto and Ghanima!
On, Judith! On Charles Bon! On, Billy and Brenda!
Their love is so wrong! It leaves me appalled!
There'll be InYay and therapy and vomit for all!"
And so Iris sat up, and stared at her brother,
With much the same look Michael Jackson gets from his mother;
And then Justin exclaimed, about this episode you won't want to miss,
"There'll be baptisms for all, and hot sex with my sis!"
Carnieland. A still sleepy Ben is again watching Adrienne Barbeau's snake act, as the camera fades wildly in and out of focus. Boy, those former Six Feet Under directors sure do love their Bong Cam, don't they? Adrienne, meanwhile, is attired in her finest Snake-arella leather pantsuit, and I find myself experiencing a minor wave of late-seventies erotic nostalgic frisson. A non-Pa Pimperson barker exhorts the crowd to tip their lovely dancer, mostly by claiming that the snake she's waltzing with could kill her in "the blink of an eye." Insert your own obligatory symbolic reference to Ben's inability to sleep here. The rather boisterous audience members shower the stage with coins, and Ben scampers out from his position in the wings to begin collecting them. And then we get a really weird cut, as we immediately go to a shot of him handing over a full bag of coins to Adrienne, when we just saw him starting to pick them up less than a second ago. Ordinarily, I wouldn't even bother mentioning something like that, but we've already had issues with coins vanishing off the floor on this show, so who knows what it could mean? After handing over the money, Ben leaves awkwardly without saying another word. He's also got even more dirt than normal on his face this week, so maybe we're just supposed to assume that his lips have finally crusted over and he's switched to photosynthesis instead of eating.
Later that night, long after the show has ended, we find Jonesy and Ma Cooch getting it on in that wooden shower stall the carnies have. What's really odd about this scene, however, is that it's pretty clear they've been in there for quite some time already, and yet there's still steam coming off the dripping water. Yeah, right. I can't even get that much hot water in my own home, never mind in whatever Depression-era porta-potty contraption the rousties have managed to rig up here. Then again, why the hell am I bitching about minor continuity details when there's a hot naked woman on my screen? Not to mention her hot (although unfortunately fully-clothed) daughter, no less, as Libby also stumbles across this illicit and adulterous little tableau. Much like Sofie last week, however, Libby just stands there and watches silently while Ma squeals like the proverbial little red pig. As a public service announcement, I'd just like to be sure that everyone reading these recaps is fully aware of the fact that the proper response to walking in on your parents having sex with each other or anyone else is to SCREAM IN TERROR AND THEN RUN AWAY AS FAST AS YOU POSSIBLY CAN. And then go seek professional psychiatric help. Ew. In any event, I've decided to skip recapping all the lurid details of this scene, but that's just because I'm cruel, and I like to torment the Limpies whenever I can. And also because I'm writing this at work, and I don't want my boss to wander by and think I'm composing a letter to Penthouse Forum or something. I will say, however, that Jonesy is a bit of a groaner.
California. Iris is still sitting up in bed staring at her brother, so apparently no time has passed since last we left them. That doesn't exactly bode well for Jonesy's sexual stamina, now does it? Maybe the steamy water thing wasn't a continuity error after all. Justin quietly castigates his sister for never having told him about his powers, or even the fact that he's a murderer, but Iris isn't interested in listening to him whine. "You were always gifted," she explains. "But you needed time to develop those gifts." Justin isn't exactly satisfied with that explanation, which seems weird, because I'd have to assume that people have been puking up coins or banging their heads into columns around him for his entire life, so wouldn't he be used to it by now? I mean, Ben was resurrecting kittens all the way back in third grade, and Brother Justin doesn't exactly strike me as the remedial reading type. But maybe he really was, because Iris snarls at him to "stop acting like a child." "I've cared for you since we came to this country," she continues. "And I have lived with the burden of this knowledge. You have a destiny. And now is your time to fulfill it." We get a dramatic "dun dun DUH!" zoom into Justin's face, and then the scene ends.
Back in Carnieland, Ma Cooch is returning to her tent, still toweling off after the shower-sex session. She climbs into bed beside Pa Pimp, who's wide awake and ready to get funky now that two weeks of diligent Carmex applications have finally resolved that pesky chafing problem. He signals his desire by clutching Ma's left breast (which is the larger of the two, if memory and my TiVo's pause button are serving me accurately), but Ma puts off his advances by announcing that "the red tide is in." Boy, Nicole Yorkin and Dawn Prestwich sure do love their bizarre euphemisms for menstruation, don't they? But wouldn't Pa Pimp be pretty familiar with his wife's biological clock by now? It's not like he can pimp her out while kitty's got a nosebleed or anything, so he's actually got a legitimate business reason to keep track of that sort of thing. And furthermore, if he's really that horny, why doesn't he just ask her to do the special thing with the feather? Ahh, logic. Thy name never was Carnivàle.
Morning. Ben is sitting alone in the breakfast area just after sunrise. He's also reading a book. Yeah, right. Like Ben ever reads anything more complicated than the centerfolds in Dirty Boy magazine. He looks up from the page long enough to light a cigarette, and I'm highly gratified to note that this show is perfectly tuned to my own biological clock. Flick…ahh. After taking a nice long drag, Ben glances over to see Creepy Ugly Naked Tattooed Guy standing ominously in an adjacent field. Then we smash cut right back to Ben, who shakes his head and tries to stop dozing off.
"Hard to sleep in heat like this," remarks Sofie, who's approached him out of nowhere. Ben looks around, frantically searching for anyone to come save him from this conversation, but alas, no help is to be found. She sits down beside him, and immediately begins interrogating him about the little nocturnal visit her mother paid to him back in the second episode. Ben repeats his assertion that Mommatose just walked up out of nowhere, but that's not good enough for Sofie. "Do you know what she wanted?" she demands. "Did she say anything?" "Actually," replies Ben, "she said that you and I were too obviously a potential romantic couple on this show, and therefore the writers needed an excuse to keep us apart for a few episodes until the big dramatic reveal that you're actually pregnant with the Child of Darkness or secretly my half-sister or really some sort of Libby-loving lesbian or something. Oh, and then she said that I was 'the one,' which didn't really make no sense 'cuz I'm too dumb to even count to one, and besides, The Matrix don't come out for another sixty-five years and ain't really worth referencing anymore anyway." Sofie just sits there, silently trying (like pretty much everyone else) to parse that last sentence.
Samson, meanwhile, is moving out of his trailer. And having a really hard time of it as well, what with all the heavy suitcases and the snooty blind guy taunting him for never learning to mind his own business. Samson responds to this by insisting that everything in the carnival is his business, including "the boy." "Stick to telling the rousties where to put their tents," smarms Lodz. "That's where your talent lies, little man." Well, that, and also creating phony reptilian chimeras, but that's a different story. Lodz steps inside the newly vacated trailer, presumably to make himself at home, and Jonesy arrives just in time to wonder what the hell is going on. Samson describes the situation as merely "a temporary setback," and Jonesy responds by offering to carry his suitcases, which seems like another continuity error in light of Samson's former career as a strong man. Or maybe everything about this business really is "sketchy," and Samson's act featured him lifting nothing more than a pair of fried chickens painted black to look like barbells. Jonesy also offers up his own tent as a place for Samson to crash, and further asserts that he's only doing it because Samson would do the same for him. Which is definitely a continuity error, because the one thing we all had drilled into our heads during the last sex episode is that Jonesy isn't ever allowed in Samson's trailer. Much macho posturing ensues, and Samson ends up sleeping in the cab of an empty truck, while Jonesy is crestfallen over losing the fantasy that he'd somehow be able to move in with Ma Cooch for the duration.
California. Wow. Carnieland and back three times in less than ten minutes? Damn. That's gotta be some kind of record. We've gone entire episodes without switching back and forth that much. Tommy Dolan pulls up to the Crowe house for one last futile attempt at scoring a sacramental booty call. He knocks on the front door, and is utterly flabbergasted when Justin is the one who answers. Tommy manages to stammer out an awkward greeting, and Justin couldn't be more sanctimonious in response even if he tried. And he probably is trying. Iris joins her boys in the doorway at this point, and Tommy sadly tells her that he's heading back to L.A. to resume the normal broadcast of his show. Aw. He looks like a little lost puppy dog. Which is frankly a bit unbelievable, given the level of insincere sleaziness we've regularly seen him display. I have a hard time accepting the idea that he wouldn't have just found himself some coin-puking dirty hooker and gotten on with his life. Of course, that would have left Iris with nothing to do for three episodes, so I suppose it's probably for the best. Anyway, she invites him in for coffee, and Justin is decidedly displeased by this turn of events.
Carnieland. Oy, with the plot-whiplash already! It's like I'm watching Oz, for God's sake. Aww. Sniff. Farewell, sweet Oz! At least Permanent Hiatus is way nicer than solitary. Unless there's some excrement smearing going on in there that I'm not aware of. Libby sits down for breakfast with Gayko and Lila, and is immediately asked by Gayko if there's anything going on between Jonesy and her mother. Libby turns around to stare at the aforementioned pair, who couldn't be more obviously flirting if Jonesy was jiggling and Ma Cooch was doing a naked handstand split. "It's nothing," grumps Libby, before stomping away. Lila reacts to this by silently cocking an eyebrow and fanning herself a few times. Heh.
In a relatively pointless scene that's either a set-up for something week or just filler until it's time to go back to California again, Samson visits Sofie and bitches her out for failing to make any money with her fortune-telling act over the last few days. Sofie explains that she can't do the show because she can longer stand to be in the same room as Mommatose, who is apparently experiencing some sort of full-scale psychiatric Chernobyl or something. Samson claims it's really Management who is worried about "carrying" the two of them, but Sofie has already heard that he and Management are on the outs. What, in the three minutes since it happened? Damn, she really is psychic. This news causes Samson to be a lot ruder to her than he meant to be, and he orders her to do better or she'll be kicked out of the carnival. Oooh, scary. Then he softens a bit, and whispers that it's just "not a good time to be a problem around here." You know, as opposed to all the times they were out of money, hounded by the law, or surrounded by horny zombie miners, when it was apparently perfectly acceptable to be a problem.
Ping! Pong! California. Tommy and Justin are sipping their coffee at the dining room table, with Tommy going on at length about how popular Justin has been with his listeners. "We've never had this kind of a response to a story before," he gushes. "Bags of mail every day. Hundreds of phone calls. Why, there's even a girl who transcribes every radio show we do about you and then posts them to some newfangled thing called "the internet" (Note: major spoilers!). Tommy also tries to get Justin to sit for an interview, and then Iris joins in by insisting that it would be a great way for him to get his message out to the masses. She also makes sure to mention the donations they've received, so I think we all know where her priorities lie. Justin refuses the interview, and Iris retaliates by inviting Tommy to stick around and accompany her to church the day. She has to promise him a good story, but he does eventually agree to stay. And with that, Justin heads upstairs in a huff, presumably to whip himself into a jealous incestuous frenzy. Get it?
Carnieland. Ben sits alone in the empty cooch tent, contemplating a hole in the bottom of his shoe like he can't believe that the protective sheen of mud hasn't hardened into an exo-sole of some sort. Or maybe he just doesn't know what a foot is. Anyway, Samson pops in to invite him on a little trip, but won't tell him where they're going. Heh. No one ever tells Ben anything. And it's not hard to see why. Cut to the car, where a peppy little tune called "Going to California" is playing on the radio. Samson rocks out a little in the passenger seat (hee!), and then Ben passes out a little in the driver's seat. He dreams a vision of Creepy Ugly Naked Tattooed Guy standing in the middle of the road, and then jerks awake just in time to swerve out of the path of an oncoming truck. Hmm. Is the fact that Creepy Ugly Naked Tattooed Guy is wearing pants in this scene an allusion to Justin's time in the asylum, or are we to just assume that Don Swayze has a slightly more puritanical attitude towards nudity than his older brother? In any event, Samson warns Ben to keep his eyes on the road, and they continue cruising down the highway past a sign welcoming them to "Loving, New Mexico." Oy. Did you know that on the Pennsylvania turnpike you actually have to go through "Intercourse" to get to "Heaven"?
Unlike the Pennsylvania turnpike, however, Loving apparently doesn't have an H.O.V. lane or any kind of carpool program, because Sofie and Jonesy have also driven into town together. She needs toothpaste and razor blades. He wants to protect her because they're only a mile from the border and it "ain't safe for a woman alone." That sentiment would probably be a more than a little chauvinistically patronizing if it weren't for the fact that, the last two times Sofie went into town, she was almost raped and then potentially impregnated with the spawn of the devil. So Jonesy sort of has a point here. He also thinks she's going to use the razor blades to commit suicide, which indicates that he's actually nowhere near as smart as I just gave him credit for being. Oh, well. Sofie giggles and announces that she just wants to shave her legs, and then she links her arm in his and leads him into town while Jonesy remains frozen halfway between disgust and arousal at the thought of what might be found beneath Sofie's slacks.
On another corner, Samson is pointing out a large building to Ben. Ben, of course, is so dumb that he doesn't even see the big "In Hoc Signo Vinces" sign right to the front door. Hee! Samson describes the organization as "The Benevolent Order of Templar," and adds that "this is their den, or lodge, or whatnot." Ben immediately starts walking over to talk to a guy wearing a sash and standing outside the door, presumably because he's under the impression that random men who loiter on street corners dressed like last year's 50th-place Miss America contestant are frequently the most reliable source of information in any given Mexican border town. Samson pulls him back, and wisely says, "You better let me do the talking." Heh. They both head over to Miss New Mexico, and Samson leads off the conversation by asking if this is The Benevolent Order of Templar while standing right to the sign he just pointed out that says "Benevolent Order of Templar." Look out, Samson! The stupidity is contagious! When Miss New Mexico (whose hair has been dyed a deep shade of black, which will be important in a minute) confirms that it is, Samson pulls out the Hack Scudder medallion and asks the guy if he knows anything about it. Miss New Mexico doesn't recognize the initials, but does reckon that his granddaddy might have had one just like it. That'll also be important in a minute. After Samson claims that he's thinking of joining the order, he asks Miss New Mexico if he's the "leader of this outfit." "No sir," replies MNM, "that would be the Commodore." Damn! What's up with the sudden Commodore convergence on TV these days? I mean, it's a pretty cool word and all, but this is getting ridiculous.
Back to Jonesy and Sofie. The Benevolent Order of Templar may be open for business today, but the drug store (which is helpfully named "The Drug Store") apparently isn't. Sofie spots something interesting happening down at the end of the street, and begs Jonesy to join her in checking it out. Jonesy, however, wants to head back to Carnieland so he can fuck Ma Cooch. Or maybe he just wants to get some work done. I forget exactly what he said. Sofie calls him a "stick in the mud," which would have been way funnier if she were talking to Ben, and then convinces him to stay by coyly holding out her hand to be held and letting the unshorn hair on her legs sway sensually in the wind.
The two lovebirds (and by that I mean Jonesy and Sofie, not Ben and Samson. Or even Iris and Justin, for that matter) round the corner to find what can only be described as a Carñivalé. It's All Saints Day, and the town's large Mexican population is partying like it's 1939. Sofie announces that she's hungry (of course she is), and buys something from a street vendor that's either a corn dog or an enchilada with dog meat. There was definitely dog in it, though. Jonesy wisely decides to stick with just a beer. They sit down on a bench, and silently contemplate the celebration around them. Eventually Jonesy puts his arm around her, and they both smile as she chows down on the fried hindquarters of that Taco Bell chihuahua.
Miss New Mexico, meanwhile, leads Samson and Ben into a room filled with middle-aged white guys playing cards. He points out the Commodore, who is sitting towards the back of the room, and who presumably ascended to that lofty position by being significantly whiter and more middle-aged than anyone else in the room. Samson -- perhaps sensing that anyone getting a whiff of Ben would likely be gagging too much to provide any useful information -- orders Ben to look around while he has a chat with the Commodore. Ben's idea of "looking around," by the way, consists of taking three steps to his right, and completely missing the only significant piece of information in the entire scene. My God, that boy is dumb! Samson doesn't do much better, however, because the Commodore denies having any knowledge of "Henry Scudder," and further asserts that Samson won't be allowed to check the Templars' membership directory. "I mean, can you blame me for trying to keep this stuff secret?" whines the Commodore. "If you had kids like mine, you wouldn't be showing them off, either." When Samson is told that the directory is only for members, he offers to join up himself, but this suggestion is met only with scattered laughter. Why? He's white. He's middle-aged. What's the problem here? Further demonstrating his cluelessness by standing directly in front of the big clue without even glancing at it, Ben announces that they're not making any progress and should probably get going. Samson tries changing tactics to begging and pleading for any scrap of information they're willing to offer, but that doesn't work either. And then as Ben finally gives up and heads for the door, the camera slowly pushes in on the giant mural he's been standing in front the entire time, and we see a tiny picture of Creepy Ugly Naked Tattooed Guy and his three tree-tattooed back, striding through a stylized painted cornfield. Dun dun DUH!
Outside, Ben makes his way back to the car. We pan up to a second story window in the Benevolent Order's window, and see that a mysterious figure is watching him leave. Except it's not really all the mysterious, because the figure is soon revealed to be Phineas Boffo. ["And when Phineas, the son of Eleazar, the son of Aaron the Priest, saw it, he rose up from among the congregation, and took a javelin in his hand. And he went after the man...into the tent, and thrust both of them through." -- Numbers 25:7-8] Aww. Good job, grandson!
In a back alley somewhere, Sofie is doubled over, puking her guts out. Jonesy, meanwhile, is patting her head and totally forgetting to hold her hair back like he's supposed to. Even I know that. Although I do kind of feel for Sofie here, because I puked in the middle of a date once, and it was one of the more embarrassing experiences in my entire life. Jonesy also chooses to remark that he hasn't seen any stray dogs running around, which proves that he's kind of thoughtless for taunting her ("Yo quiero ipecac," growls the chihuahua), and also kind of stupid, for not recognizing morning sickness when he sees it. He does at least manage to deliver a fairly tender forehead kiss before setting out to find her some ginger ale. So he gets points for that. Once she's alone, Sofie collapses onto a bench to compose herself, but she's soon interrupted by someone who can only be the previously referenced grandfather of Miss New Mexico. It's the exact same actor (with the exact same beauty pageant sash), only his hair is gray now, and his face seems to be significantly more wrinkled. Grandma New Mexico looks her right in the eye and says, "Every prophet in her house," but then he disappears the instant Sofie turns her head to look at the returning Jonesy. And do you get it? Creepy Ugly Naked Tattooed Guy is the grandfather of Sofie's baby, Phineas Boffo is my own grandson, and now this guy shows up to complete the generational cycle. Or maybe the hair department just forgot to dye the guy's hair black for this scene. Who knows? Anyway, Sofie accepts a bottle of ginger-ale from Jonesy, although the bottle itself looks suspiciously like someone took a bottle of Corona and just whited out the label. I've also noticed that this alley is infested with chickens for reason. What the hell is that supposed to mean? Are Sofie and Jonesy about to get eaten? Or does this symbolize the fact that Sofie actually won't become a Libby-loving lesbian because she loves cocks instead?
Yeah. We've got to stop over-thinking this show.
Ben and Samson are driving back to Carnieland, with Samson griping about how they wasted their time with the Templars. He also calls them a "bunch of fat buckwheats," and then bursts into laughter when he thinks about them all sitting around playing cards when he was expecting them to be giant nine-foot-tall winged demons or something. Ben asks if Scudder gave the medallion to Samson, but Samson replies that "Scudder never gave nobody nothing but grief." Wow. Is that a triple-negative? That ain't not unimpressive. Samson goes on to say that he won the medallion in a poker game, and that he never really had all that much to do with Scudder anyway. Ben then asks if Management knew Scudder, but Samson reveals that Scudder's time with the carnival preceded Management's arrival. In fact, Management actually bought the carnival just after Scudder left, and has been using it to search for him ever since. "Something happened in the old country," Samson explains. "Something real bad. Badder than anyone can imagine." This, of course, makes me think of Verbal Kint's story about Keyzer Soze's dealings back in the old country, but for the purposes of Carnivàle, we can probably assume that it had something to do with Private Funboy or Lodz's bear. Having reached our contractually limited amount of exposition for the scene, things naturally now take a turn from the surreal to the positively Lynchian, as Ben and Samson drive past something Ben calls a "Rabbit Drive." A bunch of farmers are out in a field, beating dozens of screeching rabbits to death with big wooden sticks to stop them from destroying the crops. I'm sure PETA will be all over this one, and while I'm totally in favor of them putting out a poster suggesting that Clay Aiken be beaten with big wooden sticks, I do have to admit that I don't really have a lot of sympathy for the rabbits. My roommate had a pet rabbit in college (named "Doopy," no less) and that thing was the most foul, cruel, and bad-tempered rodent you ever laid eyes on. We ended it up letting it go in the woods behind our apartment, and I keep checking the local news every now and then to see if people are getting attacked by swarms of killer rabbits in that area. Nothing yet, but it's just a matter of time.
Carnieland. It's night, and the carnival is in full swing. Sofie is in her trailer, reading cards for a rube while Mommatose sits silently in her chair, covered with a large black veil. The woman customer tells Sofie that she wants to move to California to get away from the dust, which has already killed "Teddy" and "Pearl." She's thrilled when Sofie announces that she'll be able to leave town successfully, and even more thrilled when she learns that money won't be a problem. That's when Mommatose starts interrupting with some bad news (hopefully not about her bedpan this time), which Sofie clearly doesn't want to share with her customer. It seems there will be some illness in the Rubenstein family, which Sofie grudgingly reveals, but Mommatose continues to insist that she go even farther. Sofie jumps out of her chair and starts yelling at her mother, but when she looks back at Mrs. Rubenstein, she sees the dead body of a young girl in her lap. "She's gonna die," whispers Sofie, and Mrs. Rubenstein starts to freak out. "Stop it!" Sofie shouts at her mother. "This is not what we do! You're breaking the rules!" But it's too late. Ma Rubenstein bolts from the trailer in tears, and Sofie starts bawling herself. Mommatose just sits there, counting the minutes until her sponge bath.
Later that night, just as the carnival is shutting down, Jonesy is making plans with Roustie π and Random Roustie #976 to head into town and get drunk on some "cactus juice." Pa Pimp overhears their conversation, and immediately invites himself along. This, of course, presents Jonesy with something of a dilemma, because Pa's absence would present him with a prime opportunity to pork Ma Cooch. Pa Pimp literally skips with joy on his way out to the car (hee!), but Jonesy makes some excuses and says he'll be along in a minute. Which is yet another reference to his poor sexual stamina. No wonder this guy couldn't get laid forever. He sets out for the Cooch tent, or maybe the shower stall, but then spots Mommatose sitting outside in her wheelchair before he even gets ten feet. He knocks on Sofie's trailer to investigate, and finds her sitting alone inside, smoking a cigarette and listening to a record with the volume turned up to eleven. And speaking of eleven, flick…ahh. Half a pack down. "I'm pretty sure that's loud enough," Jonesy says, as he turns off the record player. "Not if I can still hear her," answers Sofie. Jonesy takes a moment to process this, and then kneels down in front of Sofie to comfort her. Ever notice how his knee never bothers him when there's loving to be had? He pulls Sofie into an embrace, and she cries on his shoulder for a moment. When they pull apart, however, he leans in for a kiss, and they're soon swapping spit like it's going out of style. Eventually, however, Jonesy pulls away, and announces that he doesn't want to do this because he doesn't want to mess things up. "You won't," Sofie assures him. "Things are different now. I'm different. I'm also pregnant, by the way, and desperate for a respectable husband." Jonesy, however, isn't swayed by this argument. "I messed things up once before," he says. "And I ain't gonna let it happen this time. Also, Ma Cooch is a much better kisser than you are. She's got this thing she does with a feather, and…" Sofie is all "fine, whatever" about this news, and pushes him away when he tries for another kiss. She starts crying again, and Jonesy is sadly forced to do the limp of shame right out of her trailer. Much to my dismay, Sofie totally fails to turn the record player back on and start blasting the title track from the hot new album "Jonesy Is A Bonehead."
Elsewhere, Gabriel is feeding a (presumably non-incestuous) mouse to one of his mother's snakes. He turns to head back inside, but then spots something strange on the other side of the midway. And I do mean strange, people. What's the one thing you never thought you'd see on Carnivàle? No, not exposition. The other thing. It's Ben in a bathtub, and he's all curled up and shivering, despite the waves of steam that are coming off the water. If it can still even be considered water at this point, that is, and not some sort of congealed primordial ooze of mud, dust, single-celled organisms, and the sticky remnants of the last few times Ben went looking for a sock. I bet you could make napalm in that tub by now. Gabriel quickly looks around to make sure that no one is watching (because that worked so well the last time he tried it), and then slips his healed arm out of the sling. He scoops up Ben, lifts him out of the tub, and all of America gasps with relief when we collectively realize that Ben is still wearing his underwear instead of bathing totally in the nude. Heh. It was probably was stuck to his skin. Talk about chafing.
Over in town, Jonesy and Pa Pimperson are playing a very drunken game of darts. Pa Pimp is also claiming that Ma Cooch is frigid, and has been for years. Then he throws another dart, and hits the irony board right on the bulls-eye. Jonesy rolls his eyes about sixteen thousand times as Pa loudly claims that Ma's job as a prostitute has ruined everything. "All that copulating, it makes her dead down there," he adds, before screaming at the top of his lungs that she's a "two-bit, washed-up whore who'll fuck anything in pants. Or a leg brace. Or even in the shower." After a pause, however, he smiles a bit. "But I love her," he sighs. "Some mornings I wake up and I can't stand to hear the sound of her voice. And others, well I…see? That's true love. Maybe you wouldn't understand that, Jonesy." Aw. Sniff. Toby Huss kicks ass. His little speech here, however, is interrupted by a commotion on the other side of the bar, and the camera pans over to show that Roustie π has apparently found true love with Random Roustie #976. Seriously. &pi is pretty much humping the guy's leg right there in the bar. What's up with that? Looks like the much anticipated sitcom Roustie π, Single Dad won't be appearing on the UPN anytime soon, after all. Jonesy decides to head back into town, but Pa Pimp wants to keep drinking until he's "numb." I should also mention, by the way, that there's a cute Mexican waitress serving their drinks. That'll be important later.
And speaking of numb, if by "numb" you mean "dumb," Ben is in Adrienne Barbeau's bed, frantically trying to stop her from putting him to sleep. She's all maternal and caring, insisting that he finally get some rest, but Ben is still frightened of his dreams. "He'll come back," he tells her. "He always comes back. They're trying to chase me. And I'm running, I can't stop running. Not even to bathe." Adrienne continues trying to get him to just lie down and shut up, and while I would ordinarily agree wholeheartedly with just about anything that gets Ben to shut up, in this case it would actually have cost us some valuable exposition. "It's always Scudder," Ben reveals. "Always. Even before I met him, he was always in my dreams." I guess Ben is counting the coal mine as an actual meeting, and not just a vision. Or else there's even more that they're not telling us. Adrienne looks alarmed by this revelation, but then she gathers her strength and assures Ben that she'll protect him. They hug, and she manages to use that embrace as an opportunity to rub her breasts in his face. This naturally leads to kissing, which leads to love-making, which makes me laugh out loud at the fact that the writers actually felt the need to show Ben taking a bath before letting him get lucky. And frankly, once you wash off all the dirt, Ben turns out to be paler than the Pale Rider, which is as close as I can come to duplicating the Clint Eastwood/Thunderbolt and Lightfoot shout-out from the rabbit drive scene. Anyway, they mack, carnie-style.
Back in the cantina, Pa Pimperson is well and truly drunk by this point. A handful of young Mexican patrons are taking turns dancing with the cute waitress from earlier, and Pa decides he wants a piece of that action. He staggers out onto the dance floor, and proceeds to use a wide variety of offensive (yet still humorous) ethnic slurs while trying to cut in. This soon leads to a fistfight, which is probably what Pa really wanted in the first place. Which means that not only am I the Official Recapper of Sex, Free Meat and Religious Freaks In the Desert, but now I'm also the Official Recapper of Bar Fights Involving Guys With Frigid Wives. So if they ever hold a Bachelor cage match, I'm totally your man. Anyway, the patrons beat the shit out of Pa Pimp, and then throw him out into the street.
And while Ben may be really, really stupid, he still turns out to be just like every other guy on the planet. Which means he's gone right to sleep the instant the sex is finished. Adrienne is lying beside him, tenderly stroking his face, but she's soon pulled out of bed by a knock on the door. It's Lila, reporting that one of Ruthie's snakes has escaped. Uh huh. Sure it has. Lila, incidentally, has a curler in her beard. Hee! Adrienne keeps the door closed as much as possible to hide Ben's sleeping form, but does agree to get dressed and go looking for the snake.
Also fast asleep is Pa Pimp, but he quickly wakes up to find himself in a strange bedroom. The cute waitress is there with him, and she explains that she brought him home after the incident in the bar. "I would have danced with you," she adds. "Oh, now you tell me," he answers. Heh. And how come I never meet any girls who think it's attractive when guys get stinking drunk, insult their ethnicity, and then get their asses kicked? Because I'd totally be getting laid every night if I did. These two make some small talk, and then Pa tries to head back home. "But we haven't danced yet," she flirts. "You only get one chance." Pa considers his options for all of three seconds, and then staggers across the room to grab her in his arms. And I'm not really sure what the official name of this particular dance step might be, but it does seem to require participants to have very nimble tongues. And also easily removable clothing.
While Adrienne is still out searching for her snake, Lodz makes his way into her trailer. He approaches Ben and places a hand over the boy's forehead, and we're instantly transferred into the dream world. It's the cornfield again, only this time there's a whole group of people chasing Ben, including a very large black man with a turban and a machete. Ben runs as fast as his dirty little legs can carry him, but he's brought up short when he runs into Creepy Ugly Naked Tattooed Guy standing in the middle of one of the rows. He runs back in the other direction, but soon trips and falls flat on his face. When he looks up from the ground, however, he's been replaced by Scudder, who stares straight into the camera and growls, "He's mine!" Lodz jerks his hand away in shock, and Adrienne chooses this highly opportune moment to finally return to her trailer. She literally throws Lodz out on his ass (hee!), and then stands over his bruised body and shouts, "You stay out of my trailer, you stinkin', two-legged rat." Eh. I don't know. It probably would have been more convincing if she threatened to rip off his dick again.
Fade to morning in Carnieland. Libby and her mother are hanging out in the Cooch tent, checking out the latest fashions in the J. Carnie catalog. Libby is predictably surly, but Ma is so taken with the "darling Lady Lou two-piece frock" that she doesn't even notice. Pa, meanwhile, is slumped on the sofa, clearly recovering from his hangover. Samson enters the tent, with the cute waitress in tow, and Pa happily announces that "Catalina de la Rosa" is going to be the new cooch dancer. Heh. Libby looks even more pissed off than she did a minute ago, and Ma's jaw actually drops like she was planning to lick Jonesy's knee again. And just because I've been singing it all week, I'll now leave you with this: La coocharaca, la coocharaca, ya no puede cooch bailar!
California. Father Walton is leading a dreary hymn in his church, with Iris and Tommy Dolan standing amongst the other congregants. Once the hymn comes to a close, Father Walton starts in on his sermon, which is all about maintaining faith even in the hardest of times. He barely even gets the first sentence out, however, before the door slams, and Brother Justin walks into the church. Everyone is shocked by his as yet unannounced return, but Justin just walks straight up to the altar, hugs his adopted father, and starts delivering a sermon of his own. "I have journeyed into the wilderness," he preaches, "and returned with the love of the Lord in my heart." He then proceeds to demonstrate the nature of that love by giving an extended speech about how all men are evil, and how we can't escape or hide from that fact no matter how hard we try. "The evil in you is the root of your sin," he intones, as he raises his arms into a pose of crucifixion. "And you have sinned great sins." He starts walking down the center aisle, looking at various churchgoers as he names their sins. "You have laid down with the sister of your wife," he tells one man. "You have cheated longtime friends in business," he tells another. "You have lied to your mother and father," he reveals, looking at a young girl. "And you have lusted after the loins of a man," he adds, staring directly at a small crowd of Limpies. Iris watches in shock as Justin admits his own sin, which we all already know is murder. "In my heart I have killed men again and again," he continues, "wishing for their deaths with loathsome desire born of malice and spite. I am an evil man." Well, I guess that puts the whole "Is he the Child of Darkness or the Child of Light?" debate to rest, doesn't it? He goes on to promise that salvation can be found only through "the blood of atonement and the fire of resurrection." "Justin Crowe the man died in the wilderness," he shouts, making sure to emphasize the obvious "JC" allusion. "He died so that Justin Crowe the Messenger of God could be reborn this day. And once reborn, he will wield the mighty sword of our father in holy battle. And we will strike down all those who stand against us into the depths of hell. Amen." Whew. You know, nothing like that ever happens at my synagogue. I'm pretty sure that's not a bad thing, though.
Once his sermon is completed, Justin turns back to Father Walton, and demands to be baptized. "I baptized you when you were six years old," replies the confused Father. Justin insists that he do it again, and Father Walton reluctantly dips his thumb in Holy Water and traces a cross on Justin's forehead. When he pulls the thumb away, however, the water has turned to blood. Wow. Masons and Manson, all in the same episode. Nice. Father Walton is shocked, and Iris takes advantage of his befuddled silence to stand up and shout that she wants to be baptized as well. She joins her brother on the altar, which sets off a chain reaction amongst the congregation, and pretty soon everyone is demanding to a baptism of their own. Father Walton looks down at his protégée a second time, only now the blood is gone, and only the angry stare of Clancy Brown remains.
Our final scene of the night takes place back in Carnieland, where Lodz is seated in his new trailer, relating the story of Ben's dream to Management. "He spoke to me," Lodz confirms. "He knows we have the boy." "Of course he knows," answers Management. "But we'll find him. And then the blood will flow." And with that, the camera pulls back through Management's curtain in a truly nifty shot, and we fade to black in deepest depths of his…closet? Den? Lodge? Whatever. The end.