In the interests of clearing out my inbox, I have a few short notes before we begin:
1. The best X-Files episode of all time is "Jose's Chung's 'From Outer Space.'"
2. Yes, I am an idiot. Freaks was released in 1932.
3. Not even Management knows when The Sopranos or Six Feet Under will be debuting their new seasons.
4. I have no interest whatsoever in purchasing Viagra, Levitra, Ativan, Vicodin, cable descramblers, penile enhancement hydraulics, labia sculpturing services, or home equity loans.
5. Eight and three quarters.
We open in a quaint little small-town diner, with a pastry case in the foreground prominently displaying several slices of pie (Note to self: Make macro for Twin Peaks link). While it's not quite possible to determine whether Edward Hopper is sitting in a corner somewhere sketching away, we can see Brother Clancy Brown entering in full cassock and grabbing a stool at the counter. He silently accepts a cup of coffee from the waitress (it's damn fine! And hot!), but before he can take more than a sip, young Ben Hawkins enters and takes a seat beside him. The hell? I thought the carnival was in Oklahoma? And didn't all those spoilers say that these two...oh. Hang on a second. Things just got even weirder. The Chasee from last week's dream sequences wanders in, and slides into a booth behind our two leads, where a tasty-looking steak dinner is already waiting for him. The waitress comes over to pour him a glass of red wine, and then our gathering of gentlemen is completed by the arrival of Chasee's World War I nemesis, who moves to join him in the booth. For the sake of clarity, and also my sanity, said nemesis will heretofore be known as Private Funboy (tm Slashgirl). I like this actor (Michael Massee), so I sort of feel bad that even after ten years, the most notable entry on his resume is still the fact that he fired the shot which killed Brandon Lee. Anyway, these two face each other across the table in a shot that's recognizable from the dreams, with Private Funboy wearing what is definitely a Russian military uniform (scroll down, and note the hat and epaulets). Both Ben and Brother Clancy are transfixed by the sight of these two, as they watch them intently via a mirror hanging behind the counter. It's notable that in "reality," The Chasee is seated directly behind Clancy and Pvt. Funboy is directly behind Ben, but in the mirror, their positions are reversed. The waitress takes all this in, and then finally breaks the extended silence by dryly commenting, "Every prophet in his house." And with that, The Chasee raises his wineglass in a toast to Pvt. Funboy, but the instant their glasses touch, the giant window which frames their booth explodes inward in a hail of badly-rendered CGI fragments. Ouch. I ran through a plate-glass window once when I was in high school, and I've still got about two dozen scars to show for it. I've heard the CGI fragments don't hurt as much, though.
The explosion manages to jolt Ben and Brother Clancy each out of his sound sleep, with Clancy waking up in the comfort of his sparsely furnished bedroom, and Ben waking up on the ground underneath a truck. That can't be good for your back. They both seem considerably disturbed by the dream they've just shared, whereas I, on the other hand, loved this scene. It's the perfect way to mess with everyone's expectations after the pilot, and it also sets up the whole creature of light/creature of darkness game of generational who's who we've all been playing. Plus that pie looked really good.
Ahh, I just love the smell of carnivals in the morning. Smells like...cabbage, actually. Ben drags himself up off the ground, and heads over to the water pump for a quick sponge bath. Or rag bath, as the case may be. Those of you looking for your weekly quota of shirtless Nick Stahl shall not be disappointed. Those of you looking to see the strippers in flimsy nightgowns will also not be disappointed, because two of them are hanging around the pump doing a little shirtless-Nick-Stahl-ogling themselves. Personally, I don't get it. The boy is even pastier-looking than I am, and I haven't seen the sun since this season started. Wouldn't you think a farmer should have, you know, a farmer's tan or something? The younger stripper who isn't Meatloaf's daughter ["and who is Carla Gallo, a.k.a. Lizzie from Undeclared" -- Wing Chun] flirts with him a bit, primarily by complaining about how tired she is of waking up with grit in her teeth. Ooh, classay! Although I do think it's good that after it took us almost an entire episode just to learn Ben's name, we've at least managed to get the "Does she spit or swallow?" question answered in less than five minutes flat. She also asks if Ben has any "Jills" back home, to which he responds "A couple." Wow. I can think of a lot of people who wouldn't mind having a couple of Jills around the house. Or maybe that's Giles. At any rate, she grabs a rag and tries to wash his back, but Ben pushes her away and insists he doesn't need any help. "I guess farmboy ain't used to gals like us," observes the older stripper, who resembles nothing so much as a Rubenesque Dharma. That's Dharma of Dharma and Greg, by the way. Not Dharma of Dharma and Zen. Things get exponentially squickier (or sexier, depending on your perspective), when Dharma is revealed to be Not Meatloaf's Daughter's mother. Then they get exponentially funnier when she refers to his "bunch of Jills" back home as "a whole herd." Heh. Nick Stahl, ladies and gentlemen. Strippers love him, sheep fear him. Dharma goes on to remind Ben that he was "practically hypnotized" while staring at her tits in last week's episode. "That's okay," she adds, while jiggling her breasts. "That's what they're there for." "I seen better," he replies, much to Dharma's amusement. And frankly, I find that difficult to believe. He also stumbles a bit as he walks away, and I'm not sure if that's due to the limp he's been sporting in these episodes, or if we've just seen the second best rendition of the "boner walk" in HBO history (Don't email; here's the best).
Elsewhere in Carnieland, Sofie is giving Mommatose (tm maystone) a rag bath of her own. The conversation here is predictably one-sided, but it's nevertheless made clear that Ma would like Sofie to bring that nice young Ben boy around the trailer more often. Sofie is reluctant, but does agree to try inviting him over for cookies and scary fortune-telling later that afternoon.
Jonesy, meanwhile, is handing out the work assignments for the day. There's some discussion of the valves on the "Colossus," and also of the need to sew up some holes in the "cooch-tent" so that the "hayseeds" don't get a free show. And speaking of free shows, Ben is completely distracted through all this by the sight of Adrienne Barbeau taking a shower in a tiny little wooden enclosure right in the middle of the midway. And while that's not quite as distracting a sight as it was back in the '70s, she's still looking pretty fine. She's definitely the second-hottest snake handler in HBO history (yeah, yeah. Here's number one). Jonesy catches Ben looking, and smiles a bit as he assigns him the task of cleaning out the "baggage trailer." Ben gets some quick clarification on where this trailer might be found, and then heads off to get to work.
After limping around the edges of Carnieland for a bit, Ben finally finds the trailer parked alongside a truly bizarre-looking tree. That thing is wider than it is tall, and looks almost as though the entire trunk was buried in the sand. It's like The Joshua Tree on steroids. Ben enters the trailer, which is jammed with all sorts of trunks and other random miscellany, and decides to start by going through an old suitcase he pulls off one of the shelves. The first thing he finds in there is a top hat, which he pops open in yet another of the shots we first saw during last week's dream sequences. Then he pulls out The Chasee's black tuxedo, which is now splattered with something that could be either blood or dirt. Everything is so brown on this show that it's sort of hard to tell. Then things get really weird (at least from his perspective), when he finds a picture of a young woman standing in front of a sign which reads "Big Sky Farms." That's only relevant because the same sign appears in the previews for week's episode. He's obviously startled by the photo, and flips it over to reveal that the words "H.S. and Flo" are printed on the back in some kind of block calligraphy. Seeing as how we've now gone almost ten full minutes with nothing overtly creepy happening, the door to the trailer decides to suddenly slam itself shut, leaving Ben in almost total darkness. He pulls out a Zippo lighter (flick, ahh...) to continue examining the picture, and then gets up to leave. As he heads for the door, however, the camera lingers on a dead human fetus that's encased in a jar. And just as Ben finally opens the door to let in some light, the fetus opens its eyes and blinks a few times. Ooh, very cool. And it's probably for the best, but I feel compelled to mention that Ben totally fails at this point to get sucked down a garishly-colored wormhole and served dinner by an older versionof himself in a bizarre outer-space apartment. (Yeah. I know. But you try coming up with blinking fetus references at 3 in the morning and see how well you do.)
After leaving the trailer, Ben walks across Carnieland and eventually runs into Samson, who isn't happy to learn that the new guy has been cleaning out the "baggage trailer." After yelling at Jonesy for wasting everyone's time, Samson explains that the baggage trailer is basically just a version of your average snipe hunt. Apparently carnies somehow get their jollies by assigning people to tasks that can't be completed because they don't actually exist. Wow. It's certainly good to know that my boss at the day job used to be a carnie in a life. Talk about a creature of darkness. Anyway, Ben insists that the trailer is real, and even offers to show Samson where it is. When they get there, however, the trailer is gone, and only the creepy-looking tree remains to mark the location. Ben is confused, but he remains insistent that the trailer was actually there, and even shows Samson the photograph of the woman he found. Now it's Samson's turn to be confused, as he examines the photograph and does a horrible job of lying when he says that he doesn't know who the woman is. Ben does a much better job of lying about the same question, however, because I didn't even realize at this point that he actually does know the woman. But more on that later. Samson tries to keep the picture for himself, but Ben invokes the ancient carnie code of "Finders Keepers/Losers Creepers" and decides to keep it for himself.
This prompts Samson to return to his own trailer, where he pulls an album down off the shelf and locates a copy of the exact same photo. Hmm. Incidentally, other pictures in the album include a clown, a woman with giant postage stamps on her dress, a daguerreotype of General Custer with what appears to be several small squid hanging from his belt, and a guy in a leotard, gray tighty-whities, and a pointy party hat balancing two upside-down penguins on a pair of barbecue tongs. See, you think I'm making that last one up, but I'm not. Check your tapes. "What the hell are you up to?" asks Samson as he turns to face a small, curtained-off area at the back of his trailer. Pay no attention to the presumed God behind the curtain, however, because we don't get any more details on that one this week.
And now back to Brother Justin. Clancy stands in his little bedroom, getting dressed for a lengthy day of praying, preaching, and pedophile prosecuting. I've no doubt Kyan would be highly distressed to see him putting on his hair gel from front to back. Carson, however, would probably go crazy for the cassock. Clancy heads out into the hallway to leave, but stops when he hears the shower turning off in the bathroom. He peeks in through the open door, and because nothing overtly squicky has happened in the last ten minutes, he decides to spend a brief moment ogling his sister's wet, naked breasts. Ew. And I'm sure Ed Harris must be oh so very proud. To his credit, Clancy does take a moment to look disgusted with himself. And then he goes right back to staring at his sister's tits. Did I say "Ew"? I did? Good. Ew again.
Church. Yet another incredibly dreary hymn. We pan around the congregation, and spot last week's Coin Puking Dirty Lady near the back. This time she's brought the entire extended Coin Puking Dirty family along with her, although in all fairness I should also point out that she now appears to be scrubbed cleaner than Felix's side of the apartment. Several of the local townsfolk shoot disapproving glances at the Coin Puking Dirty clan, and why wouldn't they when you consider that Mr. Coin Puking Dirty Lady is sporting an Amish beard, several missing teeth, and a singing voice that's at least three and a half octaves off-key. One townie in particular, who shall be known for now as Bald Townie, casts a long, lingering look at a pair of Coin Puking Dirty children who are seated in the row ahead of their parents.
Fade to outside, where it's time for the standard post-church meet-and-greet. Coin Puking Dirty Lady proudly introduces her relatives, including Clem, Larry, Darryl, Darryl, Cletus, and another Clem. Then she introduces the horde of Coin Puking Dirty children, listing their names as "Harold, JJ, Molly, Dorothy, Tim, Lyle, Greg, Peter, Bobby, Jan, Marcia, Cindy, Denise, Theo, Vanessa, Sondra, Rudy, Bart, Lisa, Maggie, Alex, Mallory, Jennifer, Mike, Carol, Benjamin, and Boner." "Brother Justin's put your grandma on the righteous path," she adds, beaming at Clancy. "And therefore the Lord has blessed me to use the coins I puked up last night to buy the soap I used to clean y'all." Or something like that. Bald Townie comes over at this point, and shoos away the migrants like a particularly annoying species of Coin Puking Dirty mosquito. His name is then revealed to be Carroll Templeton, but Carol is also my mother's name, and my relationship with Ma is odd enough without me having to visualize this guy when I'm talking to her. As a result, he'll be known as Bald Townie from now until the end of time. Or at least from now until he blows his head off in the last five minutes of the episode. BT complains that the church is getting a little too crowded, and then makes plans to stop by and visit Clancy at home later in the day. Sister Iris just stands there silently throughout this entire scene, although she does at least keep her breasts covered up this time.
Carnieland. Meatloaf's Daughter and Not Meatloaf's Daughter each grab a plate of food (meatloaf, perhaps?) and sit down for lunch with Ma Dharma and Pa Pimperson. Dharma complains that Meatloaf's Daughter eats way too much, and adds that, "No one wants to see a lumberjack dance the coochie." Heh. Although I do think John Cleese would beg to differ. As does Not Meatloaf's Daughter, who's really starting to grow on me here. She's definitely the cutest one in the entire cast, and I'm thinking I'd sure like to see her in high heels, suspenders, and a bra.
Elsewhere, Samson and Jonesy are eating at their own little table. And no, that's not a midget joke. Samson reports that things are "fixed" with the local constabulary, which isn't relevant at all in this episode but does appear to be a plot point for week. Jonesy then asks whether Babe Ruth has managed to hit another homer, but Samson advises us that the Bambino is still stuck at 699. While he's talking, however, Jonesy spots Sofie carrying her tray, and stands up to invite her to sit with them. Sofie, however, opts for a spot at the cool kids table (if by "cool" you mean "sullen and covered in dirt") with Ben. Jonesy looks sad, and then drops back into his chair just in time to hear Samson gush, "Seven hundred? Can you believe that? Nobody's ever going to beat that!" Hmm. Could that be a Hank AARON shout-out? Still pissed about Sofie, Jonesy grumps that, "Babe Ruth is an overrated, flannel-mouthed hick who never did nobody a bit of good but himself." Oh, yeah. That's a shout-out.
At the cool kids table, our two young potential lovers-to-be are acting all awkward and flustered. Sofie asks what Ben's been doing in terms of work for the carnival, and Ben details all the different crappy jobs he's been assigned. Sofie describes him as a "roustie," which Ben doesn't understand, and which puzzles me as well, because there's no way he's going to be able to make dreadlocks out of that razor-burn buzz-cut he's sporting. Sofie clarifies her description by expanding it to "roustabout," but that doesn't make me like it any better. Presumably because it sounds vaguely pirate-y, and that sort of thing is really Miss Alli's problem, not mine. Sofie then offers to speak with Samson about getting Ben a better job, listing both "flasher" and "talker" as possible career paths. Ooh, I bet that "flasher" option got a few of you panting on your sofas. On the other hand, you should probably remember the "talker" suggestion in a few minutes when he goes on to call her mom a "turnip."
Lodz & Lila. Aw, yeah. These two are totally my favorites. They're eating at a nearby table, and Lodz is interested in knowing if Lila senses any sexual tension between Sofie and Ben. She quickly agrees that Sofie seems interested, but also feels that Ben "wouldn't know what to do with a woman," adding, "He needs someone to show him the ropes. Someone with experience. Someone with facial hair and endless supply of feather boas." Lodz, however, strongly recommends against this idea. "That would be unwise," he tells her. "It might kill you. And at the very least, the experience would definitely make hair grow on your chest." You know, I hadn't noticed this before, but after reading the forums I absolutely have to agree that Patrick Bauchau sounds exactly like Hannibal Lecter.
Sofie, meanwhile, has finally worked up the courage to invite Ben back to her trailer. Of course, she also makes the mistake of claiming that the whole thing was her mother's idea, which while technically true is still probably not the best thing to say to the cute boy who thinks your mom is in a coma. "No offense," replies Ben, "but your ma gives me the creeping willies." Heh. And while I'm sure pretty much every man in the world has longed to say those exact words to his potential paramour at one time or another, it's still probably not the best thing to say to the cute girl who's mom is in a coma. Sofie brushes off this particular insult, and goes on to say that Ma has been pestering her about Ben for days now. Ben's response this time is simply to say, "Your ma's a turnip." Ooh, suave. Sofie stomps off in a huff, and Ben promptly grabs her plate to steal the rest of her lunch. And you people think this guy is hot?
Cut to Clancy and sister Iris, walking along the streets of downtown Mintern. They're substantially less creepy during daylight hours, and that aura of normalcy is only enhanced by the sound of Iris blathering on about some sort of a blanket drive for the local migrants. Clancy isn't hearing a word she says, however, and she finally calls him on his distraction as they arrive in front of their destination. Clancy tries to go for the save by asking if Iris is wearing a new dress, but she just laughs at him and drags him inside. Hmm. Brother and sister, or old married couple? You be the judge.
Once we get inside, we quickly realize that they’ve entered the same diner from the opening dream. Clancy is clearly shocked, but manages to hide it reasonably well as he and Iris sit down in the exploding-window booth across from Father Pa Walton, whom we haven't met anywhere outside of the HBO website until now. Father Pa introduces himself to us by bragging about his new car, which is actually a pretty snazzy Buick Phaeton that he's got parked outside (and note the mythological ramifications, by the way. Phaeton was a mortal who overstepped his bounds and destroyed the world by trying to become God for a day. It's also a real car of the era). The same waitress from the dream comes over to fill everyone's coffee cups, but Clancy anxiously requests tea instead. "Every prophet in his house," she replies. Except it seems that Clancy is hearing things again, because everyone else heard her say "Coming right up." Father Pa and Iris, meanwhile, have been bickering playfully about his purchase of such an extravagant vehicle, which concludes with Iris calling the man "a rake." Well, it's better than calling him a hoe, I suppose. Father Pa answers that by jokingly telling her brother that he'd "better snap this little girl back into line." Oh, yeah. That's not the only snapping he'd like to do if you know what I mean, and I'm disgusted if you do. Clancy, however, is still distracted by the memories of his dream, and Iris explains to Father Pa that he's been that way all week. "Something bothering you, son?" asks Pa Walton. "Well," replies Clancy, "I have this new show that just premiered last week, and I really want it to do well. God knows I don't want to have to go back and do Highlander XXVI: We Lied About That Whole 'There Can Be Only One' Thing. I mean, you'll certainly never see Christopher Lambert in a swanky HBO show."
Father Pa decides to cheer his young protégé up a bit showing off a newspaper report about Babe Ruth's quest for 700. And it does seem to work, as Clancy eagerly grabs the paper and begins to read. Iris, however, is tired of all the sports talk, and gets almost offended when Father Pa compares Babe and his bat to David and his slingshot. "In desperate times," explains Father Pa, "The Good Lord looks over the flock and chooses one man to inspire the multitudes. One man to accomplish the impossible. One man to offer hope where there was only hopelessness. And who are we to question the almighty?" This mini-sermon is accompanied by a slow zoom into Clancy's face, just in case the anvils dipped in Holy Water that David has been flinging our way with his slingshot haven't made things clear yet. "And when He chooses His servant," continues Father Pa, "and gifts them with talents, it is a grave sin to bury them in the earth." Dun dun DUH! Iris looks up at her brother, and Clancy himself seems newly infused with a higher purpose. This can't be good.
Oklahoma. The carnival is up and running, with patrons streaming in through the front gate. In one corner, Pa Pimperson is shouting out the praises of Not Meatloaf's Daughter, who's dancing beside him in a dingy gray toga. "She's gonna shake it!" he yells. "She's gonna break it! She's gonna tear it to the ground!" Wow. All that European Muscle Dancing must be really good for your upper-body strength. Across the midway, Sofie is in her trailer reading the fortune of a frightened-looking middle-aged woman. Or at least she's trying to. It's clear that Mommatose isn't being very cooperative, and Sofie is eventually forced to refund the woman's money, because "the cards are unclear." Once the rubes have left, she bitches to her mother that she tried talking to Ben, and also reminds her that they've "got to eat." And with that, she goes stomping out of the trailer.
Where Sofie promptly bumps into Ben, and brushes him off with more than a little rudeness. From here we follow Ben, who looks to be carrying a number of empty Coca-Cola bottles that he's probably planning to turn in for the deposit money. Hey, do you know what I like best about shows set in the Great Depression? No product placement! Chris Albrecht must have shit a brick when he heard the pitch for this one. Ben eventually ends up behind the Strong Man tent, where Adrienne Barbeau grabs him and begs him to go retrieve Gabriel's gauntlets from her trailer because he won't go on without them. Ben doesn't know what a gauntlet is, which only proves that the boy hasn't been playing much Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic recently. He also doesn't know what a "vanity" is, which forces Adrienne to explain exactly where in her trailer the gauntlets can be found. Wait a second. "Vanity"? "Apollonia"? Is Daniel Knauf a big Prince fan, or is it just me? Who wants to bet we get a character named Sheila E. before the season is over?
At any rate, Ben runs to Adrienne's trailer, but rather than just grabbing the gauntlets, he instead takes a moment to check out her jewelry and sniff her perfume. Aww. Looks like someone's got a bit of a Barbeau crush. He's like our own little Swamp Thing. He eventually grabs the gauntlets and runs back to the tent, where Adrienne rewards him with a quick peck on the cheek. Ben just stands there looking flabbergasted. It's flabbergasting how much I love the word "flabbergast."
Mintern. Bald Townie arrives at Brother Clancy's house, and after pleasantries are exchanged all around, Iris is sent off to the kitchen to make lemonade for the boys. Obviously knowing full well why he's there, Clancy beats Bald Townie to the punch by raising the issue of migrants in the church and suggesting that what the Coin Puking Dirtys and their ilk really need is a place to worship of their very own. BT couldn't agree more, which is why he's totally flabbergasted when Clancy suggests using "a building down on State Street" that Bald Townie apparently owns. When he realizes that Clancy means Mr. Chin's, he outright laughs in the preacher's face and offers to write a check for fifty dollars instead. "The Lord has spoken to me," says Clancy, removing his glasses so we know that he's serious. "He was quite clear. I want Chin's." "Well, maybe He should have told you the property's not for sale," replies BT. He gets up to leave, but Clancy calmly explains that he has no intention of buying the property, and that he expects Bald Townie to donate it to the church free of charge. BT asks Clancy if he's "out of [his] goddamned mind," which sends Clancy flying out of his seat in a rage. He's infuriated that anyone would take The Lord's name in vain right there in his own living room. This, of course, comes from a man whose initials just so happen to be "J.C."
The instant Clancy grabs Bald Townie's arm, we segue into a vision. The background fades away into blackness, leaving BT looking very frightened and Clancy with a vaguely cruel smile on his lips. The Asian hooker from last week emerges from the darkness and plants a kiss on Bald Townie, and then promptly disappears again. Flames rise up all around them, and then we dissolve to a burning trash barrel on the street in front of Chin's. (Incidentally, this week's episode was again quite capably directed by an SFU refugee; this time it's Jeremy Podeswa, who killed Gabe's little brother and that woman with no friends.) We follow the hooker inside, where the camera takes a moment to linger over a fan dancer in a garter belt performing up on the central stage. Clancy holds Bald Townie captive in a back corner, forcing him to watch himself all Ghost of Christmas Skanky-style as his other self sidles up to the bar. An oddly familiar actor (I think he was the frozen eyes guy in Blade Runner) meets Dream BT there and hands over a wad of cash, which he describes as BT's "piece for the week plus rent." Dream BT gives the guy a leer big enough to fly a Lear jet through, and then asks if there's "anything new on the menu." Oddly Familiar Guy hands him a key, and sends him upstairs to "room four." Dream BT whistles and twirls the key in his hand as he climbs the stairs, and it was right here that I totally called the way this scene would end. It's an utter cliché, but it's also really the only way to make the guy sufficiently evil in the time allotted, so I'm willing to forgive in this case. At any rate, Clancy drags Actual Bald Townie -- who by now is almost catatonic with fear -- up the stairs behind his dream counterpart. "What's the matter?" Clancy asks. "Don't tell me you're not hungry. You look famished." We follow Dream BT into room four, where we find a very young Chinese boy swaddled in a cloth diaper seated on the bed. Dream BT sits down beside him, and begins caressing the young boy's chest. Yeah. That gets an "ew." "Face your sin," demands Clancy, and Actual Bald Townie bursts into tears. And then suddenly we're right back in Clancy's living room, with Iris arriving to serve the lemonade. Clancy contemplatively takes a sip, and BT stands there with tears pouring down his cheeks. Fade to black. You know what would have made that dream sequence a thousand times cooler? If they'd found a way to work in Lila, if only so that I'd have a legitimate excuse to work in the phrase "not by the hair of your chinny-chin-chin."
Fade back up on the carnival at night, where things are finally closing down for the evening. Jonesy spots Sofie walking between the tents, and hobbles on over to do a little awkward flirting. Sample opening line: "You know, I never did teach you how to throw a slider." Ooh, dirty! Sofie replies that she was eleven years old the last time they played catch, but Jonesy doesn't seem to pick up on the hint. He asks if she still has her old mitt, and Sofie manages to come up with a rather unique twist on a golden-oldie by saying that she has to stay home and wash her mother's hair that night. "Yeah," sighs Jonesy. "Yeah." He finally limps away, sadly contemplating the knowledge that he's forever condemned to play the second banana role of "Bizarro Ben" in Sofie's heart of hearts.
Meanwhile, Meatloaf's Daughter is watching this exchange from the nearby Lizard Man's tent, and expressing dismay that even after all these years, Jonesy is still "sniffing around Miss Prissy-Pants like a dog lost his bone." "Oh, I wager he still knows where his bone is, all right," replies Gordon Gayko (tm mrsdalgleish). Heh. Gordon does admit, however, that Jonesy isn't really his type (even if he is "wicked handsome" for a roustabout), and then mutters something about wanting "a toss with the debutante" so he can "blow her safe" that would have made a lot more sense if I'd had any idea who the debutante he was referring to might be. You don't think he means Marissa, do you? Because "This is how we do it in the dust bowl, bitch" doesn't quite have the same ring to it. Meatloaf's Daughter laughs at his crazy "Clark Gable" sexual innuendoes, and then reaches down to peel a few flakes of skin of the guy's back. Ew. But at least she doesn't eat it. Bong and a blintz, anyone?
Over in Lodz's trailer, our favorite blind mentalist is pouring himself another glass of absinthe and expounding on how valuable a find Ben might turn out to be. Samson maintains his original opinion, which is that the kid is a "rube," but Lodz is quick to remind him that Management has already taken an interest in young Ben. He then goes on to say that he saw someone called "Scudder" in Ben's dreams. "Don't care," replies Samson. "Scudder's dead. Has been for years." Lodz disagrees, claiming that Scudder is alive and well, and begs Samson to pass this little detail on to Management. "I'd do it myself, but he doesn't listen to me anymore. He used to, but ever since St. Louis..." said the blind man, as he picked up his hammer and giant sack of exposition. He also implores Samson to move the carnival southward, but Samson insists on heading north, per their original plans. And with their glacially paced plot development chores thus completed for the week, Michael J. Anderson puts down his drink and leaves.
On his way back to his trailer, however, he stops to watch Ben for a moment, as the boy finishes up his chores for the night. With the last tent flap tied down, Jonesy announces that they're done for the night, and sends everyone off to bed.
And speaking of beds, Lodz is sitting on Mommatose's, stroking her cheek and engaging in a totally silent conversation. Heh. Of course, complete and utter silence will test the expository limits of even a show like Carnivàle, so eventually he's forced to speak out loud for our benefit. "We were always stronger together than apart," he whispers. "All you have to do is let me in." Mommatose responds by shaking the trailer like it's caught in a hurricane, and Sofie chooses this particularly inopportune moment to come back home. She immediately demands that Lodz get the hell out, and he moves to comply, but not before purring, "You leave me no choice, my dear. But then you know that. Oh, and just one more thing: love your nightgown." He manages to find his own way out, but when Sofie asks Mommatose if she's alright, Ma responds by flinging a tea cup at her daughter's head. Because nothing says "dysfunctional family" quite like telekinetic destruction of all the good china.
Everyone else in the carnival seems to be settling in for bed, and we follow Ben as he walks back over to his little bunk under the truck and lies down. He pulls the mysterious photo out of his pocket to examine it, and then...
We suddenly find ourselves in a dream sequence. It's World War I again, and The Chasee is huddling in his trench. Private Funboy, meanwhile, is stalking him across the battlefield, seemingly unconcerned by the artillery rounds that are bursting all around him. After appropriating a helmet from a nearby dead soldier, The Chasee sneaks along the trench wall until he encounters an armless body that seems to be shaking for no discernable reason. Raising his weapon, he slowly approaches the corpse, and we cut for just the briefest of seconds to Pvt. Funboy, drawing a bead on something with his own weapon. The Chasee, however, soon discovers the cause of the corpse's vibrations: it's being munched on by a giant dancing bear, complete with a costume shirt and hat with Cyrillic writing on it. My limited knowledge of Russian, and Windows XP's stubborn refusal to allow me to install a Cyrillic character set have prevented me from translating the word on the bear's hat, so if anyone knows what it says, I'd love to find out. That one you CAN email me for. I'll also leave all the socio-political speculation about America, Russia, Germany, and the impending start of World War II to everyone in the forums. Here in the dream, however, the bear rears up, the blood on its jaws colored in a much deeper red than anything else in these washed-out scenes, and then we cut right back to Ben, waking up with the photo still in his hands. All in all, I'd have to say that's the second best weird-for-the-sake-of-weird use of a dancing bear in cinematic history. The best? The Hotel New Hampshire. Incest storylines are always better when they're actually consummated. And casting Rob Lowe and Jodie Foster probably didn't hurt much, either.
Shaken by the dream, Ben sits up and pants for a few moments. When he finally looks around, he immediately spots Mommatose stumbling towards him, looking quite a bit like Sissy Spacek at the end of Carrie. Without all the pig's blood, of course. She comes right up to him, with her hands curled into rigor mortis-like fists, and whispers the only words she's spoken aloud thus far: "You're the one." You mean he's actually Neo from The Matrix? Whoa.
Cut to Sofie, noticing that Mom is no longer in her bed. She freaks, and just as she starts screaming for help, Mommatose collapses into Ben's arms. He calls Sofie over to him, but she immediately blames him for whatever happened while trying to pick up her mother and find out what's gone wrong. General chaos ensues, with the entire population of Carnieland rushing over to see what all the screaming is about. Pa Pimperson and Random Carnie #3 grab Ben's arms, and despite that fact that he's loudly professing his innocence the entire time, Gabriel the strong man proceeds to start beating on him pretty hard. Jonesy tries to help Sofie, who becomes even more concerned when she realizes that she can no longer hear Mommatose talking. Finally, Samson emerges from his trailer to sort things out, and he unilaterally declares that Ben has done nothing wrong, and demands that he be released. The funniest shot in all this, by the way, is the women of the Cooch family all huddled together like they've just seen the most horrifying sight of their lives. And when you consider that Lila is wearing a very flimsy pink nightgown, I suppose it's entirely possible that they actually have. Samson sadly admits that he doesn't have any idea what might be wrong with Mommatose, and then announces to the crowd at large that they'll be packing up and heading south tomorrow. From over on the sidelines, Lodz smiles grimly, and then everyone goes their separate ways.
Except, of course, for Adrienne Barbeau, who just can't shake that habit of being kind to weirdos. She orders Ben to follow her back to her trailer for some medical treatment, and he reluctantly complies. Jonesy, meanwhile, heads over to confer with the boss. "Things are changing," Samson declares. "And not for the better." "South?" wonders Jonesy. "Gonna be hotter than Hades down there." "That it will," replies Samson. Dun dun DUH!
Over in Adrienne's trailer, the producers have opted to up the shirtless Nick Stahl quotient by giving us shirtless and bruised Nick Stahl. You know, for those of you who like your men pre-tenderized. She applies some sort of cream to his injuries, and asks that he not hold any sort of a grudge against Gabriel, who was only looking out for Mommatose. She also claims to believe that he didn't do anything wrong, and all this compassion (plus a presumably healthy dose of raging hormones) prompts Ben to show Adrienne the mystery photo and ask if she knows anything about it. "I remember that," she says, before explaining that it's a picture of "old Hack Scudder's sweetie." Dun dun DUH! She goes on and on about how Hack used to go on and on about the girl in the picture, and then reveals that the two of them split up at some point, and Adrienne never found out what happened to the woman. Then she reaches over and pulls down a photo that's been tacked to her wall. She hands it to Ben, saying, "That's him. Henry Scudder, worked the geek show." And then we get our first look at the picture, and it's -- dun dun DUH -- The Chasee! And if that wasn't interesting enough, it also turns out that his stage name was "The Gentleman Geek." I once had a girlfriend who liked to call me that. Ben is obviously shocked, and he barely even hears Adrienne as she explains that Scudder was a drunk, who "never met a bottle he didn't like." "He sure seemed to miss this woman," she adds. "Alls I know is that he always kept this picture on him." "She's my ma," replies Ben. Dun dun D...oh, all right. But what do you expect? We've gotten more plot in the last thirty seconds than we did in the entire preceding hundred and eleven minutes. In fact, I'm thinking of going with StPD (Start-to-Plot-Development) as my grading system for this show. It's either that or StLaL (Start-to-Lodz-and-Lila). Either one will work, I think. Ben asks to keep the picture of his presumed father and constant dream companion, and Adrienne gladly agrees. He heads for the door, but stops to ask if Scudder could possibly have fought in World War I. "Could've been," replies Adrienne. "Lots of crazy men in the war. Crazy as a mudbug on a griddle." Yeah. I don't know what that means, either.
Back in Mintern, meanwhile, Brother Clancy uses his brand-new key to let himself into a darkened Mr. Chin's. He strolls around the main room, taking it all in, and then switches on the lights, the better to examine the view from the stage. Or altar, as the case soon may be. While this is going on, we also cut back and forth to Bald Townie, who's parked his car on a hill-top so as to better be silhouetted against the bright orange sunset. He primps a bit in the in the rearview mirror, and we hear Clancy begin to deliver a sermon to the congregation of migrants he's already visualizing in his new church. "Brothers and sisters," he Hestons, "welcome to our new home. Our sanctuary. Here we will begin our holy task, our mission, to bring in the multitudes who are now lost. The multitudes who would otherwise perish forever when his sword is loosed upon the world." Oy. Sometimes I'm really glad I'm Jewish. I mean, you never ever see movies about creepy Rabbis. Now sure, we do get the occasional cross-dressing Barbra Streisand, but that's really about it. Anyway, just as Clancy reaches the high point of his spiel, Bald Townie puts a gun to his head, and blows several large chunks of his shiny, bald scalp all over the front windshield. Farewell, Bald Townie. Say hi to the gang from the Boston Archdiocese for me.
Later that evening, Clancy returns home to find his sister sleeping in front of the radio. It's yet another subtextually relevant murder-mystery play, and Clancy shuts it off as he drops into his chair. This wakes up Iris, and he gleefully explains to her the news about Chin's. "[God] spoke to me," he confides, "and I shall carry out his will." Because she's made completely out of dry ice, high-resin polymers, and the donated organs of several nineteenth-century serial killers, Iris doesn't even bat an eyelash at this revelation. She does, however, smile, and whisper, "Praise the Lord." This causes Clancy to start crying, for some reason, and Iris gets up from the sofa to give her brother a nice comforting back rub. "He's chosen such a good man," she adds, at almost the exact moment when the massage stops being comforting and starts being really creepy. And then she keeps on doing it as we pass well beyond creepy and straight into Absalom, Absalom.
Thankfully, we finally do cut away, as Clancy heads upstairs to his bedroom. Those of you hoping for a weekly dose of shirtless Clancy Brown shall also not be disappointed, although you may want to be careful what you wish for. After removing his shirt, Clancy proceeds to pull out a small, personal pan-sized bull whip from beneath the bed and starts flagellating himself with it. Um, okay. This scene would have been way funnier, though, if he'd simply gone the Monty Python route and started beating himself over the head with a two-by-four.
Downstairs, we see that Iris has turned the radio back on, and is listening to a song entitled (just like the episode) "After the Ball Is Over." Sample lyrics: "When I returned dear, there stood a man/ kissing my sweetheart, as lovers can...One day a letter came from that man/ he was her brother, that letter ran" (thanks, Demian!). Wow. That is just ten kinds of wrong. And it's compounded even further when Iris looks up to hear her brother whipping himself and then goes right back to her knitting like it's just a normal Sunday night in the Freakazoid household. What's really sad is that it probably is.
And then, finally, we go back to Carnieland. The song is still playing, but now it's the Siamese twins singing it as they play cat's cradle under the Ferris wheel. The carnies are all packing up in preparation for the move, and we see Ben carrying a few cans across the open field. Just as he passes Samson's trailer, however, he looks up to see the dancing bear's Cyrillic-labeled hat from his dreams hanging right there on the door. "Many the hopes that have vanished," sing the twins, "after the ball." Fade to black.
L'shana tovah, everyone. Have a great Rosh Hashanah.