In the interests of clearing out my inbox, I have a few short notes before we begin:
1. The best X-Files episode of all time is "Jose's Chung's 'From Outer Space.'"
2. Yes, I am an idiot. Freaks was released in 1932.
3. Not even Management knows when The Sopranos or Six Feet Under will be debuting their new seasons.
4. I have no interest whatsoever in purchasing Viagra, Levitra, Ativan, Vicodin, cable descramblers, penile enhancement hydraulics, labia sculpturing services, or home equity loans.
5. Eight and three quarters.
We open in a quaint little small-town diner, with a pastry case in the foreground prominently displaying several slices of pie (Note to self: Make macro for Twin Peaks link). While it's not quite possible to determine whether Edward Hopper is sitting in a corner somewhere sketching away, we can see Brother Clancy Brown entering in full cassock and grabbing a stool at the counter. He silently accepts a cup of coffee from the waitress (it's damn fine! And hot!), but before he can take more than a sip, young Ben Hawkins enters and takes a seat beside him. The hell? I thought the carnival was in Oklahoma? And didn't all those spoilers say that these two...oh. Hang on a second. Things just got even weirder. The Chasee from last week's dream sequences wanders in, and slides into a booth behind our two leads, where a tasty-looking steak dinner is already waiting for him. The waitress comes over to pour him a glass of red wine, and then our gathering of gentlemen is completed by the arrival of Chasee's World War I nemesis, who moves to join him in the booth. For the sake of clarity, and also my sanity, said nemesis will heretofore be known as Private Funboy (tm Slashgirl). I like this actor (Michael Massee), so I sort of feel bad that even after ten years, the most notable entry on his resume is still the fact that he fired the shot which killed Brandon Lee. Anyway, these two face each other across the table in a shot that's recognizable from the dreams, with Private Funboy wearing what is definitely a Russian military uniform (scroll down, and note the hat and epaulets). Both Ben and Brother Clancy are transfixed by the sight of these two, as they watch them intently via a mirror hanging behind the counter. It's notable that in "reality," The Chasee is seated directly behind Clancy and Pvt. Funboy is directly behind Ben, but in the mirror, their positions are reversed. The waitress takes all this in, and then finally breaks the extended silence by dryly commenting, "Every prophet in his house." And with that, The Chasee raises his wineglass in a toast to Pvt. Funboy, but the instant their glasses touch, the giant window which frames their booth explodes inward in a hail of badly-rendered CGI fragments. Ouch. I ran through a plate-glass window once when I was in high school, and I've still got about two dozen scars to show for it. I've heard the CGI fragments don't hurt as much, though.
The explosion manages to jolt Ben and Brother Clancy each out of his sound sleep, with Clancy waking up in the comfort of his sparsely furnished bedroom, and Ben waking up on the ground underneath a truck. That can't be good for your back. They both seem considerably disturbed by the dream they've just shared, whereas I, on the other hand, loved this scene. It's the perfect way to mess with everyone's expectations after the pilot, and it also sets up the whole creature of light/creature of darkness game of generational who's who we've all been playing. Plus that pie looked really good.
Ahh, I just love the smell of carnivals in the morning. Smells like...cabbage, actually. Ben drags himself up off the ground, and heads over to the water pump for a quick sponge bath. Or rag bath, as the case may be. Those of you looking for your weekly quota of shirtless Nick Stahl shall not be disappointed. Those of you looking to see the strippers in flimsy nightgowns will also not be disappointed, because two of them are hanging around the pump doing a little shirtless-Nick-Stahl-ogling themselves. Personally, I don't get it. The boy is even pastier-looking than I am, and I haven't seen the sun since this season started. Wouldn't you think a farmer should have, you know, a farmer's tan or something? The younger stripper who isn't Meatloaf's daughter ["and who is Carla Gallo, a.k.a. Lizzie from Undeclared" -- Wing Chun] flirts with him a bit, primarily by complaining about how tired she is of waking up with grit in her teeth. Ooh, classay! Although I do think it's good that after it took us almost an entire episode just to learn Ben's name, we've at least managed to get the "Does she spit or swallow?" question answered in less than five minutes flat. She also asks if Ben has any "Jills" back home, to which he responds "A couple." Wow. I can think of a lot of people who wouldn't mind having a couple of Jills around the house. Or maybe that's Giles. At any rate, she grabs a rag and tries to wash his back, but Ben pushes her away and insists he doesn't need any help. "I guess farmboy ain't used to gals like us," observes the older stripper, who resembles nothing so much as a Rubenesque Dharma. That's Dharma of Dharma and Greg, by the way. Not Dharma of Dharma and Zen. Things get exponentially squickier (or sexier, depending on your perspective), when Dharma is revealed to be Not Meatloaf's Daughter's mother. Then they get exponentially funnier when she refers to his "bunch of Jills" back home as "a whole herd." Heh. Nick Stahl, ladies and gentlemen. Strippers love him, sheep fear him. Dharma goes on to remind Ben that he was "practically hypnotized" while staring at her tits in last week's episode. "That's okay," she adds, while jiggling her breasts. "That's what they're there for." "I seen better," he replies, much to Dharma's amusement. And frankly, I find that difficult to believe. He also stumbles a bit as he walks away, and I'm not sure if that's due to the limp he's been sporting in these episodes, or if we've just seen the second best rendition of the "boner walk" in HBO history (Don't email; here's the best).
“ Yeah. I know. But you try coming up with blinking fetus references at 3 in the morning and see how well you do. ”
Elsewhere in Carnieland, Sofie is giving Mommatose (tm maystone) a rag bath of her own. The conversation here is predictably one-sided, but it's nevertheless made clear that Ma would like Sofie to bring that nice young Ben boy around the trailer more often. Sofie is reluctant, but does agree to try inviting him over for cookies and scary fortune-telling later that afternoon.
Jonesy, meanwhile, is handing out the work assignments for the day. There's some discussion of the valves on the "Colossus," and also of the need to sew up some holes in the "cooch-tent" so that the "hayseeds" don't get a free show. And speaking of free shows, Ben is completely distracted through all this by the sight of Adrienne Barbeau taking a shower in a tiny little wooden enclosure right in the middle of the midway. And while that's not quite as distracting a sight as it was back in the '70s, she's still looking pretty fine. She's definitely the second-hottest snake handler in HBO history (yeah, yeah. Here's number one). Jonesy catches Ben looking, and smiles a bit as he assigns him the task of cleaning out the "baggage trailer." Ben gets some quick clarification on where this trailer might be found, and then heads off to get to work.
After limping around the edges of Carnieland for a bit, Ben finally finds the trailer parked alongside a truly bizarre-looking tree. That thing is wider than it is tall, and looks almost as though the entire trunk was buried in the sand. It's like The Joshua Tree on steroids. Ben enters the trailer, which is jammed with all sorts of trunks and other random miscellany, and decides to start by going through an old suitcase he pulls off one of the shelves. The first thing he finds in there is a top hat, which he pops open in yet another of the shots we first saw during last week's dream sequences. Then he pulls out The Chasee's black tuxedo, which is now splattered with something that could be either blood or dirt. Everything is so brown on this show that it's sort of hard to tell. Then things get really weird (at least from his perspective), when he finds a picture of a young woman standing in front of a sign which reads "Big Sky Farms." That's only relevant because the same sign appears in the previews for week's episode. He's obviously startled by the photo, and flips it over to reveal that the words "H.S. and Flo" are printed on the back in some kind of block calligraphy. Seeing as how we've now gone almost ten full minutes with nothing overtly creepy happening, the door to the trailer decides to suddenly slam itself shut, leaving Ben in almost total darkness. He pulls out a Zippo lighter (flick, ahh...) to continue examining the picture, and then gets up to leave. As he heads for the door, however, the camera lingers on a dead human fetus that's encased in a jar. And just as Ben finally opens the door to let in some light, the fetus opens its eyes and blinks a few times. Ooh, very cool. And it's probably for the best, but I feel compelled to mention that Ben totally fails at this point to get sucked down a garishly-colored wormhole and served dinner by an older versionof himself in a bizarre outer-space apartment. (Yeah. I know. But you try coming up with blinking fetus references at 3 in the morning and see how well you do.)
Fade to outside, where it's time for the standard post-church meet-and-greet. Coin Puking Dirty Lady proudly introduces her relatives, including Clem, Larry, Darryl, Darryl, Cletus, and another Clem. Then she introduces the horde of Coin Puking Dirty children, listing their names as "Harold, JJ, Molly, Dorothy, Tim, Lyle, Greg, Peter, Bobby, Jan, Marcia, Cindy, Denise, Theo, Vanessa, Sondra, Rudy, Bart, Lisa, Maggie, Alex, Mallory, Jennifer, Mike, Carol, Benjamin, and Boner." "Brother Justin's put your grandma on the righteous path," she adds, beaming at Clancy. "And therefore the Lord has blessed me to use the coins I puked up last night to buy the soap I used to clean y'all." Or something like that. Bald Townie comes over at this point, and shoos away the migrants like a particularly annoying species of Coin Puking Dirty mosquito. His name is then revealed to be Carroll Templeton, but Carol is also my mother's name, and my relationship with Ma is odd enough without me having to visualize this guy when I'm talking to her. As a result, he'll be known as Bald Townie from now until the end of time. Or at least from now until he blows his head off in the last five minutes of the episode. BT complains that the church is getting a little too crowded, and then makes plans to stop by and visit Clancy at home later in the day. Sister Iris just stands there silently throughout this entire scene, although she does at least keep her breasts covered up this time.
Carnieland. Meatloaf's Daughter and Not Meatloaf's Daughter each grab a plate of food (meatloaf, perhaps?) and sit down for lunch with Ma Dharma and Pa Pimperson. Dharma complains that Meatloaf's Daughter eats way too much, and adds that, "No one wants to see a lumberjack dance the coochie." Heh. Although I do think John Cleese would beg to differ. As does Not Meatloaf's Daughter, who's really starting to grow on me here. She's definitely the cutest one in the entire cast, and I'm thinking I'd sure like to see her in high heels, suspenders, and a bra.
Elsewhere, Samson and Jonesy are eating at their own little table. And no, that's not a midget joke. Samson reports that things are "fixed" with the local constabulary, which isn't relevant at all in this episode but does appear to be a plot point for week. Jonesy then asks whether Babe Ruth has managed to hit another homer, but Samson advises us that the Bambino is still stuck at 699. While he's talking, however, Jonesy spots Sofie carrying her tray, and stands up to invite her to sit with them. Sofie, however, opts for a spot at the cool kids table (if by "cool" you mean "sullen and covered in dirt") with Ben. Jonesy looks sad, and then drops back into his chair just in time to hear Samson gush, "Seven hundred? Can you believe that? Nobody's ever going to beat that!" Hmm. Could that be a Hank AARON shout-out? Still pissed about Sofie, Jonesy grumps that, "Babe Ruth is an overrated, flannel-mouthed hick who never did nobody a bit of good but himself." Oh, yeah. That's a shout-out.
Where Sofie promptly bumps into Ben, and brushes him off with more than a little rudeness. From here we follow Ben, who looks to be carrying a number of empty Coca-Cola bottles that he's probably planning to turn in for the deposit money. Hey, do you know what I like best about shows set in the Great Depression? No product placement! Chris Albrecht must have shit a brick when he heard the pitch for this one. Ben eventually ends up behind the Strong Man tent, where Adrienne Barbeau grabs him and begs him to go retrieve Gabriel's gauntlets from her trailer because he won't go on without them. Ben doesn't know what a gauntlet is, which only proves that the boy hasn't been playing much Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic recently. He also doesn't know what a "vanity" is, which forces Adrienne to explain exactly where in her trailer the gauntlets can be found. Wait a second. "Vanity"? "Apollonia"? Is Daniel Knauf a big Prince fan, or is it just me? Who wants to bet we get a character named Sheila E. before the season is over?
At any rate, Ben runs to Adrienne's trailer, but rather than just grabbing the gauntlets, he instead takes a moment to check out her jewelry and sniff her perfume. Aww. Looks like someone's got a bit of a Barbeau crush. He's like our own little Swamp Thing. He eventually grabs the gauntlets and runs back to the tent, where Adrienne rewards him with a quick peck on the cheek. Ben just stands there looking flabbergasted. It's flabbergasting how much I love the word "flabbergast."
Mintern. Bald Townie arrives at Brother Clancy's house, and after pleasantries are exchanged all around, Iris is sent off to the kitchen to make lemonade for the boys. Obviously knowing full well why he's there, Clancy beats Bald Townie to the punch by raising the issue of migrants in the church and suggesting that what the Coin Puking Dirtys and their ilk really need is a place to worship of their very own. BT couldn't agree more, which is why he's totally flabbergasted when Clancy suggests using "a building down on State Street" that Bald Townie apparently owns. When he realizes that Clancy means Mr. Chin's, he outright laughs in the preacher's face and offers to write a check for fifty dollars instead. "The Lord has spoken to me," says Clancy, removing his glasses so we know that he's serious. "He was quite clear. I want Chin's." "Well, maybe He should have told you the property's not for sale," replies BT. He gets up to leave, but Clancy calmly explains that he has no intention of buying the property, and that he expects Bald Townie to donate it to the church free of charge. BT asks Clancy if he's "out of [his] goddamned mind," which sends Clancy flying out of his seat in a rage. He's infuriated that anyone would take The Lord's name in vain right there in his own living room. This, of course, comes from a man whose initials just so happen to be "J.C."