By Jacob
Clarice and Olaf hoof it away from the debacle at the Graystones' house, running into GDD Director Singh and learning that he's their mole. That must make you feel great -- you think you're all super-stealth at avoiding the FBI and then the FBI is like, "I've been changing your diapers this whole time." Anyway, onward to Apotheosis, martyring several folks and murdering hundreds of thousands more just after tip-off at Atlas Arena. Olaf is shocked, somehow, to learn that yeah, Clarice and God have had a little talk and it turns out blowing herself up is actually not on the menu.
Fidelia comes by Willie's wake to apologize for killing a child, and Sam pistol-whips her because that's how he rolls, but then somehow Joe and Fiddy come up with a plan to meet with her dad the Guatrau in the Matrix, where they'll both be safe from further recriminations. Um, except Fiddy is actually in on the plan to kill the Guatrau because of his shitty politics, and in fact everybody is in on this plan except of course her dad, but so now she's the new Guatrau.
Singh frames the Graystones for the maglev bombing, but when he comes to arrest them Cyrus pulls a gun on him so they can go on the lam wearing fabulous outfits. (Amanda continues to bond with Zoë in the Matrix whenever she gets a spare second or two.) They find the Resurrection holoband in the park where Jordan dropped it mid-dying, and Daniel figures out the whole Apotheosis plan in like five seconds, so then they run around trying to warn everybody while being on the run themselves, and Singh keeps Porky Pigging all over their shit.
The Graystones track down Mean Sexy Hobbit from the Philomon days and get Daniel control over a squadron of Cylon Marines. Which he sets down in the middle of the Atlas Arena, where they start shooting guns into the crowd to take out the STO martyrs. It is B-A-N-A-N-A-S and in the end, everybody decides that the Graystones and Cylons are pretty awesome after all, compared to the Monads, and then Jar-Jar Binks authorizes an army of clones or whatever and so now everybody has Cylon servants.
Zoë has fucking had it with Clarice's bullshit so she just randomly decides to go destroy Heaven, reasoning that if people know they'll automatically go to Heaven they won't ever learn self-control (aka The Gaius Baltar Guide To Teenage Popularity). Clarice is super happy to see her, but also distracted because she's in Heaven and has no idea how Cylons are in her arena killing her d00dz, so she's like, "I'm so glad you're here to see how awesome I am being right now." Zoë does her clenching Neo thing and pretty soon Heaven looks a lot like the inside of a volcano and Zoë is screaming awesome shit like "I AM GOD!"
Then the screen goes THE SHAPE OF THINGS TO COME, and everything is super intense as you see basically the entire show that should have happened, from here to skinjobs, and what's up. Firstly there is Evelyn's son Billy Adama, named after his dead brother -- Taurons! Are! Gross! -- and wearing some fake-as-hell blue contacts. The Drs. Graystone spend years working on a Terminator-type nearly human metal body for Zoë, which provides for some neat Resurrection tub imagery, and all over the Twelve Worlds there are Cylon butlers and dogwalkers and nannies. It's kind of cute except for how everybody is gonna die in about a hot minute.
The Cylons also go to church, and just guess who is in charge of Cylon Church calling them "the differently sentient" and asking very meaningful-to-us questions like, "Are you alive?" I think that's where I started crying, anyway. Clarice, finally embracing her destiny as the Sarah Palin of Cylons, visits the new Blessed Mother -- Lacy Rand! -- for an alliance in the name of Cylontology, in which Zoë is also involved and which is sort of a terrible idea in that all movements that cater to the "you're so downtrodden" crowd end up with a bunch of guaranteed bullshit somewhere on a spectrum from Jesus to Hitler. No news on Tamara or whatever happens to Zoë in the end, but once Clarice starts preaching about how the Cylons should totally revolt and kill all humans you sort of just want to get the hell out of there.
Excellent series, excellent finale, and a wonderful coda. Can't really ask for more, I guess. Except for people to be less lazy about their television viewing, but I realize that's asking a lot. And hey, there's always Battlestar Galactica: Explosions & Tits to look forward to.
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