I've decided to stop judging Hank and his actions this week. Just like everybody just sort of indulges Barney on How I Met Your Mother, I'm going to just grin and bear Hank's self-destructive, boorish, poor-me-writer assholery. Let's see if I can make it through an entire episode the way a drunken co-pilot might.
We open on "Showtime Presents" just before the camera pans across an L.A. street. The marquee at Book Soup reads, "TONIGHT HANK MOODY. BOOKSIGNING BOOKSOUP-COM." Let's pretend book people actually put that up instead of people who can't form correct signage. We hear Hank say in voice over that once upon a time, he wrote a book that people dug. I dug it! He says he wrote another, then a third, then Hollywood came knocking on his back door. We see a man parking a giant yellow Hummer, possibly borrowed from Entourage. He parks as angrily as one can and gets out of the vehicle, storming into the bookstore, where Hank is telling people that he sucked on the giant erection of Hollywood money like a good whore should. You tell 'em, Hank! The man walks through the bookstore crowd and yells, "Moody!" You should do something about that! Perhaps some antidepressants!? Hank introduces the man as Todd Carr, the "caramel-coated, chrome-domed" director who adapted his novel into Crazy Little Thing Called Love. I don't think you're supposed to call black people "caramel-coated," Hank, but I've still got your back! Hank manages to say the guy "wiped his ass" on the novel and use the word "craptastic" to describe the movie, all in one long sentence. The bookstore people halfheartedly go, "Boooo." They obviously never read the book. "My people," Hank says. Today, I am your people, Hank. Me.
Carr asks if Hank is still whining about whoring himself to Hollywood and says that the dude's no Faulkner. Hey, buddy, Faulkner you! "You're no Brett-fuckin'-Ratner," Hank tells Carr. Ouch. That's really hitting below the belt. Hank decides that could actually be a compliment. The crowd murmurs something that's like laughter but much, much weaker. Hank takes the low, low, low road by saying he thought Carr was there because he fucked the dude's wife in every room of their house. He apologizes for the rug: "I didn't realize the old lady was a squirter." Resolve. Breaking! Tough to be...this guy's...wingman! Carr, of course, goes after Hank, and they wrestle, bumping into some of the bookworms. Carr rears his elbow back and punches Hank right in the dick. Ooey! Hank punches Carr in the face.
We cut right from Carr's punched face to the lame film-school-reject opening titles. I'd rather see my boy get punched in the dick again. Let's move on.
Police station. Or rather, outside the police station. Hank lights up a cigarette. Bill The Putz is there to meet him. He's wearing a beige sweater to accentuate his innate putzishness. Hank asks about Exy, but she's home with Becca. Hank says that Exy really knows how to push his buttons. Bill says she's not trying to do that. Hank dismisses whatever Bill might be thinking. Bill says he came because he wanted to. Shouldn't Hank's agent, Charlie, be the one meeting him outside the jail? Bill says he's not the bad guy. "Life is complicated, man," he tells Hank. Also, life comes at you fast. I find purchasing insurance helps. Hank says, "Way to dip into the platitudes." Hank would have said, "Life comes at you like a giant cock about to squirt you in the eye. You should dodge." Hank spews several "fuck"s at Bill as he says he didn't ask to be bailed out of jail or for a job. Bill says he's not thrilled about being in business with Hank. Hank asks if Bill wants a punch in the dick. Bill asks if Hank wants to punch him in the dick. Hank talks himself out of the idea by saying it's starting to sound a little gay. Gay people punch each other in the dick? On purpose? Bill asks if Hank would want Becca to see this. Hank says he'll settle for a titty twister. He grabs Bill's nipples and turns them. Before a full-on twisting can be had, Bill punches Hank hard in the gut. ["Omar, are you making this show up? You are, aren't you?" -- Miss Alli] Hank manages to keep the cigarette in his mouth even as he lies on the ground. Bill advises Hank to take the job and get back on his feet. Bill also tells him to forget about Exy, the woman he didn't want to marry in the first place. As Bill walks off, Hank threatens to kick his ass again.
Hank goes to a bar. He sulks. Nearby, he sees red-headed Meredith, the woman he badmouthed in the pilot. She's having drinks at a table with some dude and seems very happy. Hank to the rescue! Her companion goes to the bathroom. Hank goes to her table. He asks if she remembers him. "Best blind date of my life. Asshole," she says. Hank offers her an apology. He calls himself some bad adjectives and says he was a mess. "I have no words," he says. She begs to differ. That was pretty wordy. Hank offers to make it up to her. He wants to take her out. She says she's already out with a non-asshole. Hank asks if she's going to marry him. Hank says women know in seconds if they want to fuck, marry or kill a guy (time to an F-Marry-Kill reference on this show: three episodes). Hank asks how he's doing. Meredith tells him to get lost. Her companion has returned. Hank shakes the guy's hand and says, in a French accent, "I had my shot with her, but I blew it. Walk out with your cock out. But remember, no gloving, no loving." All right, that was pretty good. I actually cracked a smile for a first time. Meredith seems amused, too.
Hank is at the bar, later. Meredith approaches him. She tries to peg him with a description the way he did to her. She's been working on this speech for weeks! She guesses his dad was blue collar, his mom was beaten-down, he had sisters, and he was too good with girls. She says he went to New York and reinvented himself as the poor man's McInerney. Hank says she was nicer than his description of her. Hank asks how long she's been working on that. "A couple of weeks," she admits. I'm writing this live on a first viewing. I had no idea that line was actually coming when I wrote that earlier. "Any idea how it ends?" Hank asks. With you two fucking? Am I close?
Hank and Meredith have sex. Wow, I didn't see that coming at all. Artsy room-tilting shot as the two of them make out in bed. Meredith ends up on top of Hank, which it seems is how it always goes with this guy.
Can I take a moment to reveal that I'm trying to recap this scene with my mother-in-law and newborn daughter in the room? It's not easy, is all I'm saying.
Meredith turns into Mia, who punches Hank right in the face. We cut to black. Hank wakes up, shirtless, the morning. Meredith is getting dressed for work. He asks what she does. She reminds him that she's the poor gal's Martha Stewart. Turns out she's actually a divorce attorney. Hank asks why she was going to leave without saying goodbye. Meredith thinks he's a one-night-stand kind of guy. He asks her on a proper date that night. They kiss. She leaves. Hank gets up. He's wearing some snug shorts. He goes to the bathroom to pee. Mia saunters into the room and interrupts, asking if he's going to flush. Uh, maybe when he's done peeing, young lady! Give the man some space! She says the redhead let her in. She asks "Hanky-Panky" if the carpet matches the drapes. What, in the room? I'm not even sure Hank has carpet that...ohhhh. I just got that. Hank asks why she's there. "I'm late," she tells him. Hank freaks out, stuttering that he wore a condom. "I'm late for school," she adds. She wants Hank to write something for her for a creative writing class. She starts digging around for a "piece-of-shit short story" he may have hanging around. Hank hears Exy show up. He tells Mia to calm the fuck down while she smiles at him, all evil.
Hank tries to be all charming and get Exy out of there, but she wants coffee. Exy finds a condom on the counter. It's a Magnum, which surprises her. She asks if he had a growth spurt. He says he's been working out. Exy asks him not to quit his blogging job. Hank doesn't want to work for Bill. Exy tells him to do what he was put on Earth to do: write. As opposed to "drowning in a sea of pointless pussy." Pointless Pussy is actually a character in Hello Kitty, I thought. There's a thud. Hank pretends it was the neighbors. Does Exy not know that Mia is there? Exy tries to go into the bedroom and Hank tries to stop her. Exy begs Hank to keep the blogging job for Becca. So Becca can read his thoughts on L.A. cock and pussy online? Nice parenting, Exy. Hank goes back to the bedroom. Mia is gone. A box of his files has been rifled through.
Charlie's office. Hank is asking what happens when a dude gives you a massage and you get a little tingle, then a little "turgidity." I believe you'd call that an episode of Seinfeld. Charlie says Hank's editor is asking when he'll have his blog piece. He says a blog is a narrative that goes from one event to the . No, it fucking isn't! Hank says he can't work for Bill anymore. Charlie tells him to grow up. Charlie confesses to setting Hank up for the greater good. Hank fires him. Charlie reminds him that he's been fired once every ninety days since they met. Hank figures out that "bro-ner" is the term for a man-inspired boner. Hank exits as Charlie's hot assistant enters. She brings him a Diet Coke in a can. Charlie is pissed that she can't distinguish Diet from regular. He fires her. While yelling.
Hank and Meredith at dinner. Hank, moody, asks if she's ever had a day where she felt like a tired, old whore with her uterus about to fall out. Why, yes! Meredith says the guy she was with the night before is married and she's been seeing him for five years. Hank asks what's in it for her. She says she loves the guy. He's rich and doesn't want his fortune split. Hank says that despite his treatment of Meredith on their blind date, he thinks she deserves a lot more. She suddenly cries. "My baby!" she says. She's crying about her dog, which is named Cat Stevens. Hilarity! The dog was a gift from Married Guy that she accidentally left at his house one time when the wife came home early. The lady kept the dog. Hank grabs Meredith's hand and says they're going to fix this. Charlie in his office. He receives an email. From the assistant, "DaniCA," who says she's sorry. She sent him a link to her profile on SuicideGirls.com. Er, wow. Charlie's jaw drops as he sees her almost-naked photos. He looks around and, seizing the moment as well as himself, undoes his pants to masturbate. He really goes at it. His phone rings as he finishes. "Hey, honey," he answers.
Hank and Meredith arrive at Married Guy's house. Hank wants to break in. Meredith offers him a key.
Hank sneaks. He steps on a squeak toy. "Cat?" he calls. He finds the dog. Hank crawls on the floor as Married Guy and the wife are doing it doggie-style (natch) as they watch TV. Hey, didn't I see a scene just like this in Sideways? Hank whispers to the dog. It won't come. "Yusuf Islam!" Hank calls, quietly. Hank carries out the dog. He steals a painting on his way out.
Charlie is coming into the office and runs into Dani. She's packing up her things, which apparently took eighteen hours. Charlie gets all nervous. He says he was overreacting and offers her the job back. She tells him that from now on, if she screws up, he should discipline her in whatever way he sees fit. Pay cut? Charlie is stunned. She tells him Hank called and still wants him as an agent. She bends over and Charlie stares at her ass.
Hank's place, morning. Cat Stevens is licking David Duchovny in the face. Best sentence I've gotten to write tonight. Meredith is getting ready for work again. They both agree that this is dating. Hank tells her to take the dog. It turns out that's not Cat Stevens. Hank grabbed the wrong dog. She suggests he keep the dog.
Charlie's office. Dani brings Charlie some coffee while giving him sultry looks. "This is not a macchiato!" he yells. He asks what he's going to do with her. "Whatever you want, boss," she says. She knocks over the mug and breaks it. Charlie closes the door, via remote. She lifts up her skirt and exposes her bare ass. Charlie starts to spank her, hard. Huh. ["Seriously, you hallucinated this while in the throes of adorable-baby-induced sleep deprivation, didn't you?" -- Miss Alli]
Exy's house. Hank shows up with the painting he stole. He sees Exy looking at her wedding invitation. She agrees it's weird; she never thought she'd get married. Hank says she's settling. Hank tries to kiss her. Bill sees this. Putz. Hank offers Bill the painting to replace the one he yakked on. Exy says that painting is worth a small fortune. Hank says he knows people and to consider this a belated engagement gift. Exy says he seems happy for once. Hank says, "Maybe I met a girl." Becca shows up. Hank brings her the dog. Hank tells Bill not to worry; the dog can stay with him. Everybody loves Hank all of a sudden. Mia shows up. Bill is all proud of her for writing a short story that, despite some purple prose, was pretty good. Bill must be in on the short-story stealing. Bill asks about the blog. Hank asks if, quoting The Clash, he should stay or rock the Casbah. Becca says she'll love him either way.
On the beach. Hank narrates his blog column while he, Becca, Exy, and the dog frolic on the beach. We see this as if it were old movie footage, but it's happening right now. Hank says mistakes were made and hearts were broken. He says his family goes on without him as he drowns in a sea of pointless pussy. He says time's running out for him to figure things out and that his daughter won't always love him unconditionally. Nice that the episode is actually about his daughter after we only see her in the last minute.