By M. Giant
Fi finds this week's client -- a knock-off artist who did a forgery job that his unseen client now wants to kill him for. Michael and Fi follow the trail to a plastic mold that tells them someone is planning to steal a sword that belonged to Alexander the Great from a local software CEO. Sam realizes they're tracking an all-but-invisible international master thief known as "Mr. Slippery." Since this is obviously going to be an inside job, a security guard emerges as the prime suspect. They're all ready to foil the heist, but when their prime suspect ends up dead and the job gets pulled off early, they have to readjust in a hurry. Fortunately, they catch the thief -- a member of the CEO's inner circle who's not a "Mr." at all -- and the sword is recovered. And the client gets to look forward of a long life of ripping off high-end designers.
Meanwhile, Jesse's working on getting some information out of Kendra, who is proving less than cooperative. Threatening to turn her over to bad guys doesn't work, and neither does the good-cop/bad-cop routine. Even when Kendra offers to bribe Jesse for her freedom, her accounts are a dead end. All they can do is empty them out, making Kendra think she was double crossed so she'll tell Jesse everything she knows to get back at her employer. Since she doesn't know who that employer is, that isn't much, but at least now they have a new lead to work during week's episode.
Watch Matt Nix's commentary on this episode below, discuss it in our forums, then find out how to create a USA show!
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While driving around in the Charger with Jesse looking for a properly shabby and abandoned two-room squatter-house in which to interrogate Kendra, Michael VOs about how important it is to set everything up properly. Because, just like proposing marriage, you only get one shot at it. Which is completely contrary to how this storyline will play out, but never mind. They get it all set up and stuff Kendra into a room, handcuffed to a chair behind a table. Watching her on a monitor with Michael, Jesse's suddenly way too eager to get in there the moment 48 hours are up, but Michael wants him to hold off. Finally, with much effort, he gets Jesse to stop agitating long enough to let him explain that they're going to make Kendra think they're prepared to sell her to people who are way worse than they are. Obviously they'll be bluffing, because a) where are they going to find such people, and b) selling Kendra would require them to accept money.
When they go in, Michael starts asking questions, and Kendra, thinking this is supposed to be a torture situation, reminds him that they're supposed to have a bunch of tools on a tray. Michael whips out the photo of Cobra's corpse (from the autopsy report Jesse stole from the Bahamas) and she says that whoever she was working for, it obviously wasn't the dead guy. Michael makes reference to some hard-ass arms dealers that her victim worked for, and says that she can answer his questions, or she can answer theirs. Michael VOs about how a prisoner who already thinks she has hit rock-bottom might respond to a threat of their circumstances getting even worse. But in this case, Kendra not only calls the bluff, she starts banging her head in the table to show how much punishment she can handle. Jesse physically stops her, and Michael angrily bustles him out of the room while Kendra laughs at them both. So that's the equivalent of your girlfriend saying no? I think in that situation, you're the one who's going to be bleeding from the head.
Outside, Jesse asks what that was about, and Michael agrees that Jesse did the right thing. Jesse doesn't get it, until Michael explains that since their first try didn't work, they now have a new play: the old good-cop/bad-cop routine, and Jesse gets to be the good cop. Or at least the lame cop, with a controlling boss breathing down his neck. Jesse agrees, but only if he gets to handle her alone. Hey, who's the boss here?
After the commercials, Michael is at the Carlito telling a reluctant Sam that he needs to back Jesse up, with his "booming baritone" playing the part of the boss from hell. Sam agrees, and Fi walks up to collect Michael for a job helping a guy who makes knock-off handbags. Michael tells Sam it won't take long. "Never does," Sam eye-rolls.
Michael and Fi show up at the knock-off designer's place, which is cluttered with his goods. But an even bigger eyesore is the purple velour tracksuit he's wearing that makes him look like Grimace. Buddy hands Michael a Polaroid of what he made for a certain mysterious client who now seems to want him dead: just a couple of little onyx lion-heads and a piece of leather with a couple of similarly-sized hexagons cut out. And that was for 20 grand, and now the client -- who Buddy never met, and who only talked to Buddy on the phone through a voice scrambler -- is trying to kill him. Buddy leads them out to show how his hot tub was sabotaged, and if he hadn't noticed some loose wires he would have been electrocuted. Michael tries to turn down the job, which goes as well as always, because Fi takes pity on Buddy and agrees to take him on. So since their one lead is the phone conversation, Buddy says he got the phone company lady to triangulate the call for him in exchange for a Jimmy Choo knockoff. He pulls out a tiny little gun of his own and suggests they go get him together. Michael shoots that idea down, which, since Buddy already dropped his gun on the patio, doesn't take a lot of shooting.
Michael and Fi show up at what looks like an abandoned factory, but since there are live wires and antennas and security cameras strewn about among the debris, Michael thinks they should leave. But before they do, the place blows up, flattening them both. Michael calls 911 to have someone come put out the fire, before whatever is hidden goes up in flames. Fi doesn't like the idea, for whatever reason. I say they compromise, and Michael can send Fi in to put the fire out. He can even give her a bucket if he likes.
Back at the interrogation house, Jesse lets Sam scream boss-like at him loud enough for Kendra to hear (and loud enough to spit on Jesse's face), then goes in and acts like the tough guy, demanding to know who Kendra's working for. Kendra totally buys it, trying to play on what she perceives as Jesse's weakness. She says she's never telling him anything, but offers him a deal, just between the two of them. Kendra says she knows she's not leaving this room, but she wants to know who they are. Jesse agrees, and tells her to go first. She says Cobra was a paid job, the end. Well, that was informative.
From outside the explosion site, where the firemen are currently swarming around the burnt-out building, Michael calls Sam for a mutual update before going inside to see what he can salvage. Fi offers to help: "I'm really good at getting what I want from firefighters." Michael doesn't dignify that with a reply. As he approaches the scene, he VOs about how communication between different agencies causes confusion, which creates an opportunity for him. So he walks in and blusters the fire captain, claiming to be "Randy" from the county arson investigators. That gives him a minute to snoop around while the fire captain stomps outside to check back with HQ. While on the phone with Fi, Michael spots a melted laptop, then a resin mold that seems to partly match what Buddy made. Fi tells Michael that the captain is on his way back in, and with a wastebasket in his hand, Michael blusters again, saying he's got hazardous materials in his possession and walking right out with them, in his shirtsleeves and everything. That would totally work, too.
Back at Buddy's place, the client is not encouraged to hear that the bad guy burned down his own place, which doesn't bode well for what he'd be willing to do to Buddy. The good news is that Michael and Fi have reconstructed a resin mold for an Alexander the Great sword (shout-out?). According to a handy news article, the real thing is going to be displayed at a software company gala on Saturday. It seems the CEO wants everyone to see his sword at the product launch, and this way, while expensive, is less embarrassing than showing off the other kind of sword. Michael and Fi have already figured out that a thief is making a copy of it in order to steal the original. Now to figure out who it is.
Back at the Carlito, Sam says that based on the M.O., he narrowed it down to one guy, who no one has ever even seen, whom the French police call "Mr. Slippery." They call him that in French, of course, but since we're never going to hear the French version of that name again, I don't plan to look up the spelling. [Monsieur Glissant! - Le Zach] Mr. Slippery is not only slippery but ruthless, having been known to blow people up to cover escapes. Michael says they need to go warn the software CEO.
Michael and Fi, wearing their black power-suits (without ties, of course) walk into the building and right up to H!ITG Alan Dale, who's playing the software CEO. He can't be that high-powered, because he doesn't seem to have an office and is thus forced to have meetings with his underlings right there in the front lobby. Michael tells him he's about to be robbed, and the subtitles agree that he is indeed "Mr. Bocklage -- About To Be Robbed." They give false names and claim to be from a private security company, telling him about how someone known as Mr. Slippery plans to steal the sword. Since they know that the replica angle makes this an inside job, Michael says they need to see his HR records. Unsurprisingly, he shoots them down, Bocklage even accusing Michael of trying to pull a con himself. "Maybe we should turn in a résumé at the HR department, anyway," Michael suggests. About time he tried to get a steady gig.
Oh, that's not what he means. They break into the empty office of an HR rep, while Michael VOs about how awesome file-sharing sites are for stealing large files. I'm sure they appreciate the plug. Fi spots the woman who works in the office coming up the hall, and intercepts her to put on a totally lame display that at least distracts her long enough to allow Michael to escape unseen.
Going over the files in Fi's car, Michael figures a security guard named Andrew Deans is the guy; his record's just too clean. Which is why they've got his house staked out. When a perfectly ordinary-looking guy subtitled "Andrew Deans -- Mr. Slippery?" comes out in a security guard uniform and drives off, that's their opportunity to break in and see what's what in there.
Inside the house, they find some awesome forged IDs complete with holograms, articles on Alexander the Great, and infrared paint. They figure they've got the guy. Just then, Fi realizes she missed a call from Buddy, saying he's late for their meeting but is almost there. The only problem is that Fi didn't set up any such meeting. Michael realizes they have to rush to the meeting to save Buddy. And maybe Fi could turn her ringer on or something.
So off they rush to one of Miami's seemingly inexhaustible supply of seaside park/marinas. Buddy's just arriving, and Fi spots a little shack on the end of a dock that has one of the same kind of antenna they saw at the factory -- which means it's wired to explode. But a little traffic barrier somehow means they can't get any closer in time. Fi does what Fi does, which is to take out a gun. Michael tries to stop her -- not only is he always reluctant to let her start shooting, but even I can see that little handgun is totally wrong at this range -- but since he doesn't have a better idea, she bounces a bullet off the ground near Buddy's feet. Michael VOs about how a trained operative will try to locate the source of the bullet, but a civilian is more likely to run for the nearest cover. Which in this case is the building that's about to explode. Stellar plan, Fi. As Buddy makes a break for it, Fi has to shoot again, this time hitting him in the shoulder. He falls off the dock and into the water. Michael and Fi, run up, fish him out, and take one of his shoes for Michael to throw at the shack so it'll blow up safely. [If it's designed to be triggered by shoe, why is there an antenna? - Z] So their client is now wet, shot and half-shod. They certainly are earning their usual fee of nothing, aren't they?
Michael and Fi return to the software company building with their new information, but don't get past the front lobby. Fortunately, the lobby is still where the CEO and his underlings hang out. They're still skeptical, even when Michael and Fi show off the information they stole from his HR systems, so Michael and Fi offer to show them how Deans plans to commit the theft. They go into the display room, where they turn off the lights to demonstrate how infrared paint has been used to paint a line on the floor, marking out an exit route when the lights are out. And thus does Bocklage earn a new subtitle: "Mr. Bocklage -- Reluctant Client." He wants to call the cops, but Michael and Fi say if they do that, Deans will walk. Like Bocklage cares. Michael points out a timer attached to the circuit box set for 8:00, which tells them the time of the crime. So what could go wrong?
Back at the house, Jesse is getting nowhere with Kendra, and is letting his frustration show. You know, on purpose. He's continuing to let Kendra think she's running things, and she offers to pay him $300,000 to let her go. Jesse looks like he's agonizing about it while Michael VOs about how hard it is to let someone think they're corrupting you. Which Jesse successfully does.
Jesse calls Sam (who is staking out Deans' place) to tell him he got an account number from Kendra, so now maybe Barry can look into that to see if they can backtrack the funds to whoever hired Kendra. Then there's a weird, totally false dude-bonding moment between them that I'm skipping.
Michael and Fi meet Bocklage and his people in the company's garage, where an armored car is offloading the case containing the sword. They've brought Buddy to play the part of their "antiquities expert," to verify the sword's authenticity. Buddy is such a bad spy that he can't even be convincing when he says something that's true, which is that the sword is real. Michael tells Bocklage that he and Buddy will wait inside to spring the trap on Deans, and assigns Fi to the perimeter. Which pisses Fi off, because she's wearing the wrong shoes. Keep knocking down those stereotypes, Fi.
Michael and Buddy are hanging out in a room, waiting for things to go down. Suddenly Sam calls from outside Deans' place to report some interesting news: Deans just got blown up in his car. Michael isn't sure what this means, other than that they need to get to the sword, and fast. As soon as they enter the display room, Buddy can tell that the sword's already been switched, and there's a dead guard on the floor. Buddy commences freaking out. Bocklage and most of his entourage come in, and Michael has to tell them that the sword is gone, well ahead of schedule, and the person he thought was stealing it? Well, he was kind of wrong about that. Bocklage orders his guards to arrest Michael and Buddy, thinking they're the thieves. Fortunately for our hero, Mr. Slippery likes to leave little bombs behind. A couple of them go off close to Michael and Buddy at just the right time -- but not too close. Just close enough that Michael can drag Buddy out of there in the ensuing confusion. Thanks, Mr. Slippery! Michael owes you a solid!
After the ads, they're running through the smoke-filled halls, evading the guards with such high-tech means as wrapping a belt around the hinge on a hydraulic door-closer. From outside, Fi calls Michael to ask what the hell's going on in there, and tells him the fire department's there. Seeing all the masks on the firefighters, Michael realizes that's how the thief gets in and out of these scenes, just like at the factory. Michael decides it's time to leave, and when Buddy points out that they're on the second floor, Michael shoots out a window. The inrush of fresh air causes a backdraft and the entire building explodes, killing everybody, the end. Except not really. He tells Buddy to absorb the shock with his knees, and to tuck and roll. He also VOs that you just have to stay calm and accept that it's going to hurt. I hope all that is enough to keep the show from getting sued when someone jumps out like they do.
Outside, Buddy's limping as they meet up with Fi, who says six firefighters have come out of the building so far. Michael hollers for help, and every firefighter in sight turns his way -- except one, who keeps walking away. Michael realizes that's the thief, and they follow -- in time to see her take off her mask. Yes, it's Bocklage's executive assistant, who I thought was paying a little too much attention during all those scenes when Michael was explaining his plans to the boss. Well, now we know why. As the subtitles tell us, she is now "Selena -- Ms. Slippery." And by the way, the "twist that changes everything" that the promos have been referring to? This is it, right here. Boo, USA promos. In protest, I will now boycott the 984 reruns of NCIS you'll be broadcasting for the week..
Michael, Fi and Buddy pursue Selena in Fi's car, and Michael says he's going fishing. He asks for a rope and Fi's bag, into which he puts a mini-bomb. She protests, saying she loves that bag. "Sorry, Fi, I never did," Michael says shortly. He VOs that stopping a car requires killing the engine, the driver, or the tires. Fi pulls ahead of Serena's car, and Michael leans out the window to dangle the bomb-in-a-bag-on-a-rope behind them. And when Selena drives over it, Michael triggers the remote detonator, stopping Selena's car pretty effectively. They haul her out, and pull open her fireman's coat, revealing the stolen sword underneath. As they stuff her in Fi's trunk while she threatens to kill Buddy, Fi says, "I have to be honest, I didn't see that one coming." I have to be honest, too: I'm not surprised.
Some other day, Michael and Fi come and find Buddy in his hot tub to give him an update. Selena's being denied bail, Bocklage is pressing charges, and Deans was her stooge, so she's going down for his murder too. Buddy's so grateful he gives Fi a fresh fake bag. Even though his employees not only shot, dunked, de-shod, and defenestrated him, they made him help them with the job he hired them to do. He's the team's unluckiest client since that one of Sam's that got killed.At the Carlito, Michael is looking at Kendra's financial records, whose transactions are such a multi-national, multi-bank hairball that they can't find the source of any of the funds. So what now? Well, just make it look like the account is empty.
That done, Jesse hollers at Kendra in the interrogation room, saying that whoever paid Kendra ripped her off. That pisses her off, at least, as Michael VOs that when it comes to motivating somebody who has nothing left to lose, you can do worse than revenge. Jesse asks what Kendra's going to do now. Kendra says she came to "wrap up a big job." The one she killed was only the first of a crew that was supposed to rob a bank on "the fourth of last month." "If this helps you track down the man that hired me," Kendra says, "make sure he knows I'm the one that ruined him." Hope she's prepared to wait a while.
Jesse rejoins Sam and Michael in the other room, celebrating their new lead -- a botched bank robbery that was supposed to happen on the fourth. Now all they have to do is turn Kendra in on her outstanding warrants. But first -- beers all around. Sam drinks to the new guy, and even Michael joins in. Okay, so maybe that's the twist that changes everything -- Michael actually drinking beer.
Watch Matt Nix's commentary on this episode below, discuss it in our forums, then find out how to create a USA show!
Want to immediately access TWoP content no matter where you are online? Download the free TWoP toolbar for your web browser. Already have a customized toolbar? Then just add our free toolbar app to get updated on our content as soon it's published.
M. Giant is a Minneapolis-based writer with a wife, a son, and a number of cats that seems to have settled at around two. Learn waaaay too much about him at Velcrometer, or just e-mail him at m.giant[at]gmail.com.