While Michael and Jesse are planning to break into the bank that someone else already tried to rob last week to find out what they wanted, they get a little sidetracked by Sam and Fi (and not just because Fi's still pissed at Michael for lying to Jesse). The latter two are providing security at a tycoon's house party, but that doesn't stop masked kidnappers from storming in and grabbing the man's wife to hold for ransom. Fi goes the extra mile for the client by getting herself kidnapped as well. That leaves Michael and Sam to try to track the kidnappers, who by all indications plan to kill their captives as soon as they have the money. As for Jesse, it's his job to prevent the husband from agreeing to pay, except he blows it. Despite that, Fi proves quite resourceful, winning the kidnapper's sympathy even as she's MacGyvering her skinny little ass off behind his back. Ultimately she turns the tables on the bad guy, allowing Michael to force the crew to release the client's wife. Easy-peasy, as Sam would say.
So now Michael and Jesse are free to break into that bank -- after Madeline tells Jesse that it's always going to be Fi and Michael, not that Jesse asked. The guys get the safe deposit box in question and get away clean. Its contents? A Bible, with seemingly random words blacked out, indicating a code, and an inscription saying it belongs to none other than Simon Escher. Jesse doesn't know that name, and Michael lies to Jesse that he doesn't either. Oooh, and right after he and Fi made up, too.
Michael VOs that although you usually want to go into the field with only trained operatives, sometimes you can't avoid bringing in a civilian. Cut to Madeline's house, where Jesse and Michael have just asked her to help them rob a bank. She's not exactly jumping at the opportunity. Michael explains that they really just want to steal one safety deposit box. Jesse explains to her that it's connected to the case he was working on when he got fired, and all Madeline needs to do is trigger the alarm so they can see how the guards react. "All you have to do is the one thing I can never get you to stop doing," Michael says, chivalrously lighting her cigarette for her. Between that and Jesse's cajoling, he gets her to agree.
Later, Madeline's entering the bank, while at the same time, Jesse goes in as a sandwich delivery guy. Michael VOs about how that kind of job doesn't require the same kind of background checks that bank guard does. So Jessie applied for a job as a delivery guy, got the job, and waited around for the guards to order food? Glad it worked out. As Jesse is allowed into the bank's guard room, Michael's VO adds, "It gets you the same access, plus a tip." Well, that explains how they afford all their munitions and surveillance equipment. Jesse passes out the sandwiches while, in the room where the safety deposit boxes are kept, Madeline lights up. Moments later, alarms start going off, and Jesse feigns docile submission as the guards launch into action. He can also see Madeline on one of the surveillance monitors doing her chimney bit and wonders if the guards aren't overreacting, but a guard says smoking in there is against state law; "She's doing jail time."
Outside, Jesse gets back into Michael's car, his every pore radiating "Oops." Michael freaks out at the news that his mom is getting arrested, because it's even worse than it seems; in addition to the Epic Son Fail of getting your mother busted by the fuzz, there's the fact that Madeline opened an account there, with her real name and address. Jesse joins him in panic and says they have to spring her before the cops get there. But then they turn to see her sitting on a bench outside the window, still smoking the same cigarette and explaining how she gained the guards' sympathy by acting the sad widow with pictures of her dead husband. "First thing Frank's been good for in thirty years," she says, which is a little harsh. Sure, he was an abusive dick, but Michael's also been using his dad's shit for the last three and a half seasons. "Get in the car," Michael says. His dad's car, that is.
Jesse and Michael are back at the loft going over what they learned about the bank's security. Jesse's convinced they won't have time to drill through the box before the guards pour in, Michael has a plan to drop in through the offices of the law firm upstairs. Good thing everyone hates lawyers. Enter Sam and Fi, dressed up like they're going to the Oscars. Apparently they're doing security at some fancy private party, and were asked to blend in. So Sam is Chuck Finley, as always, and Fi is playing his wife Charlotte. Which is going to set things up for a lot of stale jokes about the two of them being married for the rest of the hour, but I'll be skipping those. Fi's still visibly pissed at Michael for what he's doing to Jesse, and as she and Sam leave, Michael tells Jesse, "Don't ask." Yeah, that would be a little awkward to get into.
Sam and Fi head over to the home of the party's host, a guy named Christian who's played by Steven Culp from Desperate Housewives toying with a southern accent. He introduces his wife Sarah (glammed up to only about 7.5 so as to make Fi look better) and says he hired them because someone's trying to steal "Libby," a lighter and more powerful lithium ion battery that he has sitting there in a standard stainless-steel MacGuffin case. He knows he's a target because someone already broke into his car and stole his laptop. This news does not worry Sam and Fi nearly as much as it should. Fi suggests canceling the party, and he says it's Libby's debut. "If you catch anybody, shoot 'em."
Sam and Fi get to work, checking over the place before the guests arrive. The doorbell rings, while Sam and Christian are on the top floor. Fi just barely stops Sarah from answering the door to what she thinks will be the caterers, but what is in fact a masked hit squad. Fi might be making some unwarranted assumptions about Miami caterers, but in this case she turns out to be right. She barricades herself and Sarah (now "Sarah -- The Client," per the subtitles) in the ground-floor bathroom while the thugs keep Sam and Christian pinned down upstairs. Hearing the men talking outside, and able to either understand the Spanish they're speaking or read the subtitles on the screen like she's on Electric Company, Fi decides to surrender -- which means that when the thugs break in and haul Sarah out, Fi follows them, saying her husband has a lot of money too. So in Spanish, the men decide to make it a "two-fer." And with that, both women are chloroformed and stuffed into the back of a van. And now Sam has to call Michael and break the news that kidnappers got the client and Fiona. Lucky for Sam, the commercials hit before he has to explain himself.
In the aftermath, Christian is beating himself up for assuming this was all about him and his battery, which has presumably been moved to the catering van to join the other red herrings. Jesse and Michael have since arrived and are working the place like a crime scene, digging out a bullet that points to Mexican kidnappers. That's the only lead they have -- because God forbid they ever call the cops to catch bad guys before they're 98% caught already -- until they get a "webcam call." Michael sits down at the computer to take on the role of the negotiator. While he's doing this, he's also VOing that if a kidnapper keeps his mask on, it means he doesn't plan to kill you. Which must be why Fi looks so scared to see the face of Yancey Arias from Kingpin looming over her. Or maybe it's just his nose mole. Oh, but then Michael's VO goes on to add that if a kidnapper lets you see his face, it means you're dead so that you can never testify against him. Of course the kidnapper doesn't know that nobody ever testifies on this show anyway. Sarah relays the kidnappers' message that they want ten million for each of them. Michael asks for some time to get the cash, and is given 24 hours. After the kidnapper ends the call with the muzzle of his gun, Michael plays it back to show Christian why they can't pay the ransom -- Fi blinked them a message in Morse code. I should learn that someday. All I know is "SOS." Well, and I suppose also "so?"
Back at the kidnapping house, the boss has the ladies dragged downstairs and apologizes to them for how his brother flung them to the ground. He introduces them "Eddy -- Hotheaded Little Brother." He gives Eddy some pretty scorched-earth instructions for covering their tracks, and promises his hostages that he'll let them go as soon as they get the ransom. Which, according to the subtitles, makes him "Jacob -- lying Big Brother." He's about to leave a guard down there with them, but Fi throws a fit about it, so he leaves them down there alone. That way Fi can get right to work with a "jewel-encrusted lockpick" borrowed from Sarah's ear. A moment later, she's broken into a locked tool closet. "Were gonna get out of here," Fi tells Sarah. Hey, watch the spoilers!
Michael drags Christian back to his loft both to keep him from calling the cops and to park him with Jesse. They put Jesse in charge of keeping word from getting out, because apparently the kidnappers will kill them both if this hits the news. Sam and Michael head back out, to try tracing where the internet signal came from, and run into Madeline in the courtyard. She brought donuts so they can talk bank robbery
over breakfast, but when they tell her what's going on and advise her to head on home, she stubbornly insists, "I'll go home when Fiona does." And then she heads right on into the loft to help keep Christian under control. With an excess of cigarette smoke, no doubt.In the basement, Fi is building herself a bomb out of gardening supplies. Sarah's not too sure about all this, hoping that if they just behave themselves their menfolk will come save them. Which Fi, to her credit, wouldn't go for even if it were true. Fi cuts her own forehead and pretends to fight with Sarah over which of their husbands would pay more to get them back. Right on cue, the kidnappers come down to join in. There's a lot of yelling, with Sarah belatedly getting into playing her part, and Jacob sends one of his thugs up to the bathroom with Fi to clean the blood off her. Just like Fi planned. I like her better when she's annoying kidnappers than when she's annoying Michael and me.
Sam and Michael have tracked the internet signal to a coffee shop, which tells them that the kidnappers must be using a signal booster from somewhere else within a radius of a couple miles. Which narrows it down a little, at least. Fortunately for their investigation, they get a call from Fi, who somehow managed to hold onto her Bluetooth. She says she's working on getting them out of there. Michael says she should sit tight given the time they have left, but Fi happens to overhear Sarah being taken upstairs. It looks like Christian agreed to pay the ransom after all, and a meeting's going to be set up. And just to be clear, Jacob reiterates instructions to kill Sarah at the exchange, as well as everyone else. Including the other kidnappers? Fi relays this news to Michael, and says they've only got about an hour now, thanks to Christian being dumb. She hangs up, leaving Michael to yell Fi's name futilely into the phone and into the commercial break.
Sam and Michael drive around looking for a place that looks like a safehouse with a big creepy van in front of it, unaware that Jacob already ordered said van torched. Michael's been trying to reach Jesse this whole time to yell at him for letting Christian snap his leash, and finally gets through. Confused, Jesse says he's been with Christian the whole time except for one little visit to the balcony. Oops. Jesse shamefacedly promises to make it right. What's more right than Fiona being doomed?
Back at the house, Jacob comes downstairs and "breaks the news" to Fi that Sarah's husband agreed to pay. Then he leaves her alone again so she can call Michael back and work on her bomb. She says she's sending them a smoke signal. Michael VOs that there's more to smoke signals than lighting crap on fire and hoping for the best, which is why Fi stuffs a burning bicycle tire into an A/C vent. Such thoughtful kidnappers, stashing her down here with everything she needs.
At the loft, Jesse and Christian argue about the ransom, saying that it's going to get both women killed. Christian angrily disagrees, and even offers to lend them the money for Fi's ransom as well. Talk about throwing bad money after good. Jesse's about to grab Christian until Madeline steps between them. Jesse agrees to get some air, which leaves Madeline to lean on Christian. Think he has a chance against her?
While waiting for the smoke signal to appear, Sam asks Michael what's going on with Fi. Michael tells Sam the truth, which kills just enough time for a column of black smoke to become visible a mile or two away. Sam quips, "Where there's smoke, there's Fi." Great, now what are we supposed to do with this extra "re"?
At the safehouse, Jacob is trying to figure out why the A/C is smoking, but since he's focusing his efforts on the kitchen thermostat, I don't hold out much hope for his chances. Fi hollers for help, so he brings her up to the kitchen for a glass of water. But Fi's got her eye on a bottle of vodka, which Michael VOs is not the best explosive, but is generally easier to find than a brick of C-4.Well, outside of Fi's house and car, that is. Fi gets all close to Jacob to confess that she married "Charles" for his money, and now look what it got her. She just wants a drink and a chance to say goodbye to her best friend. Convinced by her act Jacob gives her the bottle, but says that Sarah's already been taken out of the house and is on her way home. Whoops.
Jacob then leads Fi into the living room and cuffs her to a wooden chair that's situated in a corner with black plastic sheeting protecting the walls and floor. That's homey. She wonders how much longer it's going to be before the others get back, and he doesn't give her a straight answer, aside from an offhand reference to the possibility that Christian might get caught in airport traffic. Fi prevails on him to give her some gum as well, which fortunately for her he has on him. He's kind of falling for her at this point, and even says he would have liked to know her in a different life. "Maybe the one," Fi says. "We're both going to Hell." Not the flirtiest line I've ever heard. Jacob leaves her alone again. What the hell else does he have going on today that he has to keep getting back to? Is he building a birdhouse? Making a lasagna from scratch? Sending increasingly desperate Facebook posts to Danny Trejo? Whatever the case, Fi's able to use her handcuffs for leverage to break the arms off the chair she's chained to, even though those arms are thicker than her own. She also dislocates her shoulder in the process, but pops it right back into place like her skeleton is actually an Erector set. Which would explain a lot, I guess.
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Michael and Sam pull up outside, but Fi tells them to go after Sarah, whom she knows is headed to the airport area. Michael reluctantly agrees, but insists on leaving Sam behind as backup. "Chick Finley" tells Fi to be careful, because he's too young to be a widower. "I am not your average trophy wife." Fi says. Yes, I know I said I was going to skip the marriage jokes. Now you know why.
Back at the loft, Jesse and Madeline are still trying to talk Christian out of going to pay the ransom. By accusing Christian of only wanting to have a good story to tell at the funeral, Jesse goads him into taking a swing at him, and while he's got him pinned against the wall, says he's giving up on his wife. Christian finally admits that his CFO's meeting him at the Cape Florida lighthouse with the money. Wow, I didn't know CFOs actually handled briefcases stuffed with cash.
Fi has filled a glowing light bulb with the vodka, then patched the hole with the chewing gum, effectively creating a time bomb. After replacing it in the ceiling fixture and positioning herself back into the chair so it'll look like nothing's amiss, she calls Jacob in to kill her, because she can't stand it any more. He resists at first, but finally agrees. So now she has to stall while she waits for the bulb to heat up the vodka enough to ignite it. Finally the bulb goes off right over his head. She springs from the chair and subdues him, dislocated shoulder and all. In rushes a thug to help Jacob, but Sam follows him right in and puts him halfway through the wall. "Hi honey, I 'm home," he chirps. Fi, naturally, invites him to help take out the trash.
Michael drives Fi's Hyundai commercial to the drop site, where he meets Eddy, Sarah, and another goon. Eddy asks where the money is, and instead, Michael shows him a cell phone picture of Jacob, extravagantly duct-taped to a chair. Michael invites Eddy to give his brother a call. When he does, Fi tells him about the bomb under Jacob, which is clearly visible in the photo. Eddy freaks, but hands over Sarah and his gun to Michael. At which point Michael invites Eddy to look at the photo again, which shows a bomb on a fifteen-minute timer. Wow, harsh! He advises Eddy to call the cops, because it's the only way to get to Jacob in time. Especially since Michael just shot out Eddy's tires. Is the team really going to put Miami's bomb squad at risk like this?
Well, no. Back at the safehouse, Sam takes his watch off the bomb and puts it back on, asking Jacob, "What kind of a timer is attached to a bomb with duct tape? You know, your brother is kind of an idiot." On their way out, Fi notices the hole Sam made in the wall with one of her kidnappers and observes, "You really do like me, don't you?" "You're growing on me," Sam admits. I have to agree, this is my favorite Fi episode ever. Looking forward to week when she goes back to being an asshole.At the loft, Michael toasts Jesse with a beer and the news that "Los Hermanos Grimm" are going down. In slinks Fiona, with her torn dress and wrecked hair. "You should see the other guy," she says, and she and Michael fall into each other's arms. Jesse makes a quiet and awkward exit, although the minute those two saw each other, he wasn't really there anyway.
Jesse is on his way out from Madeline's, wearing black and toting a gym bag. She's not remotely fooled by his claim that he's off to work out. But before he goes, she's got some advice for him: Michael and Fi love each other, and hate each other, but it'll always be Michael and Fi. Jesse unconvincingly pretends not to know what she's talking about, but fortunately Michael shows up to collect him. Which means he can get out of this dangerous conversation and do something safer like going to rob a bank.
As Jesse and Michael drop into the vault and drill into the front of a safe deposit box, wearing a pair of ski masks that Fi stole off the kidnappers, Michael VOs that safety deposit boxes are only as safe as the vaults they're stored in. Which they're in and out of before the guards even arrive. Good thing they were only robbing the place and not smoking..Out in the Charger, Michael forces open the box to reveal...a large Bible. "The people we're looking for aren't religious," he observes in confusion. Then, flipping through the pages, he notices that certain words are blacked out, indicating a code. Michael VOs, "It's one thing to lie to an asset..." Jesse notices an inscription in the frontispiece that includes the name Simon Escher. Jesse asks whether Michael knows who that is. Michael VOs that it's another thing to lie to a friend. "I have no idea," Michael lies to his friend. And with his hand on a Bible, no less.
M. Giant is a Minneapolis-based writer with a wife, a son, and a number of cats that seems to have settled at around two. Learn waaaay too much about him at Velcrometer, or just e-mail him at m.giant[at]gmail.com.
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