By M. Giant
Michael's sniper rifle lead directs him and Fiona to an arms-dealer friend for more clues. Of course, since he's a friend of Fi's, he turns out to be a total flake who gets Michael in the middle of an arms deal gone bad. Meanwhile, one of Michael's least favorite ex-clients, Virgil, is back in town, wanting Michael and Sam's help for the do-gooder daughter of an old Navy buddy. That means Michael has to divide his time between tracking down a stolen shipment of pharmaceuticals and trying to keep Virgil out of his mom's pants. Finding the guys who took the drugs is the easy part; but they have to actually get them back, which Sam suggests Michael do by -- wait for it -- going undercover with the gang. This time he plays a nerdy chemist who has to pretend to help with a fake heist that the thieves think is for real. But even pulling that off doesn't lead the team to the stolen goods, since the robbers have their stuff stashed. Michael ends up getting them to try moving the stuff by convincing the ringleader that Sam is a scary Keyser Söze type. That gives Michael the chance to steal it back, and after that he's in such a good mood that he lets Virgil take his mom out on a date.
But back to the arms dealer. After freaking out about the heavy shit Michael seems to have gotten him into and nearly killing both Michael and Fi, he supplies Michael with the name of the person who picked up that sniper rifle from a shop that was altering it. So look out, "Bill Johnson," Michael Westen is coming for you. It just might take him a few weeks.
Oh, and Fi's kind of dating someone, apparently, but I care even less than Michael's pretending to.
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If it's a Burn Notice teaser, it must be Michael and Fi, hanging out in some uncomfortable location while exchanging great steaming chunks of expository dialogue designed to bring us up to speed on the current state of his ongoing investigation into his burn notice. In this case, they appear to be in a jungle somewhere, leaning against opposite sides of Fi's Saab as we learn that they're waiting for an arms dealer Fi knows. Apparently "Seymour" is a little on the paranoid side, which is why he didn't want to just meet at Carlito's like Michael wanted. Hey, Michael, nobody told you to wear your new sky-blue suit out here. Fi gets a text message on her cell phone, and Michael does a VO about how you want to know everything about the people you're working with. It doesn't fool anybody, especially considering how horny the camera operator shooting Fi just got. But since the text is not from Seymour, but some guy who's asking Fi out, the MWVO adds, "Although, sometimes there are details you'd rather not know." If he's jealous, he probably doesn't need to feel all that threatened by a guy who asks a grown-ass woman out by text message.
A yellow Corvette pulls in behind them, and a shaggy, skinny guy with a duffel gets out of the passenger side. He doesn't look much like Nicolas Cage in Lord of War, but you can tell it's Seymour the arms dealer by the subtitles reading "Seymour -- Arms Dealer. He invites Michael to take a walk with him, and gesturing to his bodyguard/driver, he asks Fi, "Keep Jackass company. He'll like you. He's attracted to shiny objects." Not to defend Fi, but Seymour's the one who wanted to meet someplace where she'd get all sweaty.
As Seymour and Michael walk down to the nearby beach, Michael explains that he's looking for a Dragunov sniper rifle from Russia. Presumably that's the big secret gun that Michael and Victor stole last week. Seymour thinks Michael's asking as a buyer, and before Michael can straighten him out, they meet up with two other suited guys who are waiting on the beach. Apparently Seymour is double-booked for this particular timeslot. He gets the Slavic-accented blond guy's name wrong (Vladimir instead of Pavel), then brushes it off and asks for his money. But before handing over his own bag in exchange, he looks in the case Vladivel just handed him and bitches, "What, they don't teach arithmetic in the Ukraine?" "We are Bulgarian," Vladivel growls. Seymour says the deal was for a hundred thousand as opposed to fifty. Vladivel objects, Vladivel's sidekick draws, and of course the sidekick is quickly flat on his back in the sand with his gun in Michael's hand, pointed at Vladivel. "Fiona said you were bad-ass," Seymour appreciatively tells Michael. "This is really none of my business," Michael points out. Seymour says it is now, and suggests they take off. Backing away while Seymour abandons him, Michael says, "No no no no no...okay," and then takes to his heels as Vladivel draws from an ankle holster and starts shooting. Back in the clearing, Seymour and Michael jump into their respective cars and their drivers tear off in different directions. For some reason, the Bulgarians follow Fi's Saab in their SUV, even though Seymour's the one with their weapons and their money. Fi gets the car back on the pavement as fast as she can, because as Michael VOs, "If you're driving a sports coupe, you're not going to be able to lose an off-road vehicle off-road." The smarter thing to do, he says is haul ass to the asphalt, where you have the advantage of maneuverability. And where, if you are Fi, you can take the opportunity to play chicken with oncoming trucks. "You need to put yourself in a position where you can do something they can't." Which is pretty much what Fi does, as far as I can tell from all the crazy editing and split screening. Remind me not to buy one of those SUVs, because apparently if they try to make a tight turn, they spin out and the engine kills and you'll be stranded in the middle of nowhere until the opening titles.
Back at the loft, Sam and his old ex-Navy SEAL buddy Virgil are catching up over beers. "You remember Virgil," Sam says to Michael when he walks in. Michael does, but in case you don't, (even with the subtitle reading "Virgil -- Former Client") Virgil is the guy from last season who brought Michael and Sam in for some help on a boat repo deal that ended up getting them entangled with corrupt cops, Jamaican gangsters, and a stack of drug money the size of an office copier, all while Virgil was banging Michael's mom. So it's not surprising that Michael doesn't seem to happy to see him, reminding him that he promised to stay out of Miami. "Last time I saw you there were people looking for you? Angry people with guns?" Virgil scoffs that that all blew over, and now he's back in town to ask for Michael's help. Turns out that his late partner (not a Navy buddy, as I inaccurately reported in the recaplet, because sometimes Virgil is just too annoying to pay attention to) has a daughter named Marcela who runs some kind of medical relief agency, and that agency just had a big shipment of drugs stolen off a boat. Sam doesn't think it could hurt to talk to Marcela. "Mmm, could hurt a little," Michael says. "Could hurt a lot." But you and I, and Sam, and Virgil, and my three-year-old son M. Edium all know that he's going to give in. Which he does. But then Virgil presses his luck by asking to use Michael's cordless phone to call Madeline (why Michael has a house phone when he's already got more cells than my brain is a question for another time). He mentions that Michael's mom offered to put him up. Yeah, I just bet she did. Michael snatches the phone away with a curt, "You'll stay here. You'll tell her you can't make it and you'll call her when you're back in the Bahamas." Virgil can't believe Michael is serious, but he is: "Last time you were in town, you nearly got her killed. That's not going to happen again." Virgil looks to Sam for help, but since none is forthcoming, he lets it go. No poon tang for Virgil this trip, looks like.
From there we go to the idyllic setting of a children's clinic which is apparently situated in the middle of a park full of happy, adorable children playing happily and adorably. Michael has a happy, adorable interaction with one of them before the owner shows up. "I see you brought the cavalry," she says to Virgil, and the subtitles briefly shut her up: "Marcela -- The Client." She explains the deal: the clinic spent a year raising funds to send some medicine to Rio, but then the shipment was hijacked by pirates an hour out of Miami. Michael figures that the thieves are more likely to want to sell the goods than use them to start their own clinic, which seems kind of cynical of him. Can he bring the medicine back? "We'll see what we can do," Michael says, a little belatedly. Normally he says that before the subtitles tell him who his client is.
Over at Michael's mom's house, she's enlisted him to help her move some boxes into the garage. She claims it's just spring cleaning, not fooling anyone, especially when she then asks if he's heard from Virgil. Michael feigns ignorance, poorly. "You know Virgil... just bein' Virgil," he chuckles while avoiding eye contact. Worst spy ever. Fortunately he's rescued by a call on his cell phone: it's Sam, calling from the loft to notify him that he and Virgil have tracked down a guy in Boca Raton who's into black-market medicine and the two of them should go check it out. Sensing a pretext to get him out of town so Virgil can go sniffing around Madeline, Michael suggests that he go with Virgil instead. Of course he's careful to say "he and I," since Madeline is listening. That sounds like a long drive, whatever Google Maps might try to tell me. Sam okays that, just as Virgil comes down the steps of the loft to borrow the phone so he can hit Michael where he lives: "I didn't pack enough underwear, so I borrowed a set of your boxers. The blue ones with the stripes." Michael's rage turns him into a human guitar string as he growls through his teeth, "They will never fit. You stay out of my closets." Virgil replies, "They're a little snug down under but I got it all packed in." Yow. As if Michael doesn't already have a complex about the places Virgil's junk has been. Speaking of whom, after Michael hangs up, Madeline asks with fake casualness who's staying at the loft. Michael pretends it's just Sam, and gets out of there. She knows. He knows she knows, and she knows that he knows she knows he knows she knows.
In what I assume is Boca Raton (or more likely some part of Miami that's standing in for Boca Raton for this scene), Michael and Virgil sit at a table at a sidewalk ice cream shop. I'm sure that's just frozen yogurt in the paper Coldstone Creamery cup Michael's spooning from, which is such a waste of a trip. Meanwhile Virgil fiddles indiscreetly with a digital camera on the table and provides more exposition: apparently there's a gang of hit-and-run pirates roaming the high seas, boarding boats, snatching pharmaceuticals, and then fencing them through people like the guy who runs the golf shop down the sidewalk. After snapping a few pictures of an unwitting graybeard walking out of said shop with a small paper sack, Virgil broaches the subject of Madeline, and Michael's discomfort with Virgil seeing her. "I'm not uncomfortable," Michael protests. "You attract bullets. It's too risky." Virgil scoffs, "What's a few bullets?" Off Michael's alarmed look, he decides to let it go so they can move on to the phase of their plan.
A bit later, Michael and Virgil walk into the shop and meet "Feldman -- Drug Dealer," according to the subtitles. He looks a lot more like a golf shop owner than a drug dealer, it should be said. So, you know, good cover. Michael almost immediately starts strong-arming him about what he's selling to pay for that Porsche out back, and Virgil test-drives a ball right into a glass panel, which shatters to reveal hundreds of pill bottles. Hole in one! While Feldman is still freaking out over that, Michael lays out a veritable tarot of high-profile types who they've photographed coming out of Feldman's store and threatens to mail them out to them. He's even identified what those guys do for a living, which makes me wonder how long he and Virgil were staking out the store. I'd guess about a week and a half. Feldman admits that someone came by with some stuff that was out of his usual area of Vicodin and Viagra, and was left wondering, "What am I going to do with a million dollars' worth of antivirals?" Well, it might depend on what his Viagra clientele is getting up to. Feldman says the guy's name was Gerard, a "total psycho." Michael wants Feldman to call Gerard to offer to hook him up with a buyer, and another threat to out Feldman as a dealer is all it takes to get Feldman to agree to set up a meeting. "And throw in one of those shirts," Virgil adds, which I think is over the line. If your plan to recover stolen goods leads you to extorting legitimate goods from a shopkeeper, it should at least be for a nicer shirt. But Feldman's fine with that, as long as he can quickly get back to selling woods, irons, and wood.
Back at the loft, Michael has just finished telling Sam about their trip, and about Gerard. "I'm told he's a total psycho. This is why I don't look forward to Virgil's visits. One of the reasons," he adds, glancing over at Virgil sacked out on Michael's bed and snoring into Michael's pillow with the waistband of Michael's boxers poking out over his pants. Sam is dumb enough to think they're in the home stretch of this operation, which, how many commercials has he counted? He's willing to pose as the buyer for Gerard's shipments, and Michael's just looking forward to getting done and getting rid of Virgil. Sam changes the subject to Fi's arms dealer friend. "Yeah, another total psycho," Michael reports.
Not that this is going to prevent him from meeting him again. Seymour's sitting in his Corvette, parked by a city curb with the top down when Michael jumps in to him, taking him to task for not telling him they were going to a gun buy. Seymour explains himself: "That jackass I call a bodyguard?" You mean the bodyguard you call Jackass? "He's worthless. So I figured you come along as backup, and I know for sure you're not a cop. See? Kill two birds, right?" Seymour then tries to hand Michael a handgun. "You wanted a gun, right?" Michael repeats that he's looking for information about a Dragunov. He has to practically hit Seymour over the head to get him to understand that he's not buying, he just wants to know where someone can have such a gun calibrated. Just then a car pulls up across the street, and Seymour asks Michael to wave at the driver. Michael recognizes Vladivel and declines. Seymour assures Michael that it's cool now, and Vladivel's bringing the money. Except when Vladivel gets out of his car and starts walking toward the Corvette, he's not carrying a sack of money but an automatic. Michael literally bails as Vladivel starts firing, and Seymour does a clumsy, curb-bouncing J-turn out of there. I'd wonder about Michael's wisdom in rendering himself a pedestrian near an armed guy who's already shot at him, but luckily Vladivel seems to have emptied his clip at Seymour's car. Besides, Michael's nowhere to be seen anyway. Must have slipped down a storm drain or something.
Cut to a tough-looking outdoor biker bar during the day. As a bad-ass looking redhead male-bonds loudly with his cohorts ("Gerard -- The Thief," according to the subtitles, because they're worried we won't take the designation "Pirate Captain" seriously), Michael explains why this crew's out partying at a bar: "You can keep an eye on your employees in the off hours and keep them spending money so they're hungry for the job." Gerard detaches himself from his crew to go nuzzle a blonde at the bar, which is when Sam comes along, looking serious in a dark suit and combed hair. Gerard asks if Sam is Finley, and Sam says he is. Poor Sam. Michael never uses the same fake name twice, but Sam is always stuck being Charles Finley. At least he got a second suit. Gerard rudely sends his girlfriend away so the men can talk business. Gerard asks if Sam's a gun dealer. "I deal in everything," Sam says. "Guns so people can shoot each other, medicine to get them ready for round two." Specifically, Sam's says he's looking to buy some stolen antivirals, but Gerard says he just sold them a couple of hours ago. Sam makes an implied offer to outbid, but Gerard isn't interested, and says the drugs get delivered week. While Sam keeps his disappointment in character, Gerard goes over and wades into a bar fight that some of his men are having with another guy over a girl. Or, more accurately, he stomps on top of it, as Michael VOs that bar fights are "a great way to showcase your leadership skills, and they're a team-building exercise." As the other guy's buddy heads over with a broken beer bottle, Sam clocks him from behind and takes it away from him. "Careful, a broken bottle could hurt somebody," he coolly lectures. As Gerard turns to gives Sam an appreciative nod, Michael adds, "There's also no better way for someone new to get noticed."
I don't know, Sam's giant neck chain is looking particularly noticeable in this scene.Back at the loft, Michael, Sam, and Virgil are updating Marcela on the situation and trying to figure out how to get a hold of the drugs before Gerard delivers them to his buyer. Sam's the one who comes up with a plan; they can exploit Sam's cozy new friendship with Gerard. "All we need is an inside man." Reluctantly, Michael explains to Marcela what Sam means is that Michael should join Gerard's crew so he can find the stash. For some reason he's resistant this week, like he suddenly woke up this morning having forgotten how to go undercover. Maybe that can happen, I don't know. Although according to the movies, it seems much more likely for spies to forget who they are while somehow retaining all their secret-agent skills. Much better than the other way around. Anyway, Sam assures Michael that the plan he has in mind is a simple one: he'll just suggest a new heist to Girard, and insist that Michael be brought on board for the job so he can pick Gerard's brain during the planning stages, which if course is as far as said heist will ever go. Sam also needs Virgil to borrow a yacht for show, and Virgil thinks he can swing that. No sooner have they settled on this plan than there's a knock on the door and Madeline yelling from outside. Michael growls at Virgil around his mouthful of yogurt, "You are not here."
Michael joins his mom out on the landing, careful not to open the door too widely. And for someone who claims to be in a hurry to meet Fi, he's sure taking his time getting down those stairs. Not that I can blame him. Madeline follows him with an apple pie she claims to have baked ("Okay, I sprinkled cinnamon on it," she admits), suggesting Michael share it with Sam...and Virgil. Michael insists that he hasn't heard from Virgil, but Madeline's not buying. Still, rather than storm back up the stairs and into the loft, she shoves the pie at Michael and stomps off in a snit. "Okay, I'll call you later!" Michael chirps after her once he has established that his shirt is safe.
Apparently Michael actually was going to meet Fi, as the two of them now walk up the driveway of a palatial home. Fi gives him a hard time about why he's trying to keep Virgil away from his mom. "When an important woman in your life meets someone, it can be an adjustment," she headshrinks. Michael sees right through her: "Is this about your date?" he asks blandly. "Because I'm fine with it." Fi doesn't bother denying that was her point, and goes right into accusing Michael of being out of his tree over it, as evidenced by the complete lack of interest he's shown in the topic up until now. Yes, that makes perfect sense to me. Finally, they reach the front door. Michael rings the bell -- which is an actual, literal bell -- and Seymour's bodyguard Jackass lets them in.
In the backyard overlooking the water, they find Seymour hosting a pool-and-gun-packing-party already in progress. He stops pretending to do tai chi so he can order Jackass to make his new guests some fruit smoothies, adding, "That's all he's good for." Must be why Jackass never gets a line. Seymour tells Michael that the "Ukrainian" gun buyer paid up, and tosses Michael a roll of bills that's his "cut." Michael impatiently flings it back, snapping, "Seymour, we don't work together!" And besides, Michael is allergic to cash, and risks anaphylactic shock if any of it ever touches him. That's my new theory, anyway. Michael explains to Seymour again that he just wants to know where someone can get a Dragunov serviced. Seymour agrees to make some calls, and is crushed when Michael leaves without even tasting the fruit smoothie that Seymour thought was going to make him and Michael best buddies.
Back at the biker bar, Sam-as-Finley buys Gerard a drink and offers him a job. Gerard says he doesn't do work for hire, so Sam calls it a partnership having to do with "designer performance enhancers... steroids on steroids." Sam says he knows about a lab that makes the stuff, a $2 million shipment is going out on a yacht soon, and he wants Gerard to take it. "You'd get a third. How does that sound?" Gerard says it sounds like work for hire, whereas half would be more like a partnership. Sam thinks about whether he can afford to give Gerard fifty percent of a heist that isn't actually going to happen. After a minute of mental number-crunching, he decides he can, and they drink to it. Sam says that Gerard is going to need to "bring in a pro to keep the drugs at the right temperature and humidity." Fortunately, Sam knows just the guy, a former meth-chef named Jackson who works at the lab. Gerard just needs to convince Jackson to help out, since Sam isn't about to do it: "In my line of work, you stay in the shadows so the name 'Finley' is never mentioned," Sam says. Unless, you know, it's an episode where Sam is undercover.
Michael comes slouching out of a crappy little building somewhere wearing a short-sleeved dress shirt and his hair over his forehead. He would look like a total spaz if it weren't for his zero body fat, chiseled features, and that bad-ass scar to his eye. As his voice-over says, "Dealing with an aggressive adversary isn't always about showing strength," he seems to spot Gerard and his goons for the first time. When Gerard calls out to ask him if he's Jackson, Michael turns tail and runs, his arms flailing limply at his sides. "Sometimes it's best to show weakness," the VO continues. "If they believe they can dominate you, they'll drop their guard." And as Michael lets Gerard and his men catch up with him in an alley and throw him against a shed like a rag doll, he adds, "Of course, that means getting dominated." Hey, some people are into that.
Cut to a few minutes later, after Gerard has apparently explained the deal and "Jackson's" part in it. Michael plays the reluctant wuss, using a whiny, nerdy voice to protest, "Guys with guns, violence... That's why I got out of cooking meth! I mean, it's not my thing! It makes my chest tight!" He even takes a pull on an asthma inhaler, which is pretty funny. I briefly wonder where he got it, but then I remember he's working for someone who runs a clinic. Think there's a kid back at her clinic now who's really hoping he doesn't have an attack in the couple of days? Gerard threatens Michael with a gun as Michael pretends to fret about what his Chechnyan bosses at the lab will do if they learn of his involvement in the imminent robbery. Gerard says that won't happen, and is even willing to offer a guarantee: "You do this, we never see each other again and you make some money. You don't..." Gerard ends his sentence with a wave of his gun, which I think is much worse than ending it with a preposition. Anyway, it looks like "Jackson" is in.
Later, Michael has led Gerard to the yacht Virgil has borrowed and is now loading with something while Michael and Gerard watch at a distance from a car in the marina parking lot. In a character voice that sounds even more nasal and geeky now that he's not being threatened, Michael tells Gerard that Virgil is the lab's courier, and gives some more details, like how the cargo is six "notsobig" canisters, and you have to pack it in special coolers. "You let this stuff warm up and it's a nasty cocktail." He laughs at himself like that's the funniest expression ever. Michael offers to train one of Gerard's guys on how to get it from the boat, and Gerard informs him that Michael will be handling that himself. Michael's playing the reluctant participant to the hilt, pleading a fear of boats and water and a susceptibility to seasickness, to the point of faking a near-panic attack on the spot. "Can you crack a window?" he gasps. Gerard, wondering how he auditioned for Burn Notice and ended up on Monk, says they'll get him some Dramamine, and a mask so he won't be recognized. Finally getting around to what he's actually supposed to be accomplishing on this operation, Michael changes the subject to where the stuff is going to be stored, but Gerard isn't talking about that. "You tell me what you need and we'll set you up, all right?" Girard snarls. "Now, look at that, old guy's got a girlfriend." Michael looks and sees that indeed, Madeline has just approached Virgil. There is not one level at which this is good news for him. He does a facepalm and keeps it there as he whines to Gerard, "Uh, can we go, before somebody recognizes me? I don't know who, but someone?" Yeah, because that would be awkward.
Down by the yacht, Virgil and Madeline are having kind of an emotional reunion, one that Virgil apparently wasn't prepared for. She says she followed him from Michael's place, and asks if Michael told him to stay away. Virgil defends Michael for his protectiveness and even quotes him, saying, "I tend to attract bullets." Madeline tells him to tell Michael that she can take care of herself. Fair enough; I've noticed that her first-season hypochondria seems to have cleared up wonderfully. But Virgil decides to do the right thing and blow her off, stone-cold. She's crushed, but she leaves. What's Michael so worried about? They were in that scene together for like a full minute and nobody shot at them once.
Gerard has taken Michael back to the bar that seems to serve as his base of operations, and Michael's waving a pen and notebook around as he keeps asking questions about the storage conditions. Gerard tells him to make a list of what he needs, and take his time. "You have all night; you're staying with us until we pull this job off tomorrow." This is unwelcome news to both Jackson and Michael, as Gerard orders one of his henchmen, a poor man's Jason Segel, not to let Michael out of his sight and leaves him to it. With surprising calmness, Michael tells Poor Man's Jason Segel that he needs to call in sick or his bosses will get suspicious. Rather than interrupt his own boss while he's hitting on a redhead, Poor Man's Jason Segel lets Michael make one call, and he's going to be standing there the whole time.
Michael reaches Fi in her car, on her way to a movie. Which, you know, explains why she's got her Bluetooth on. She's not happy to hear from him, especially since he calls her "Boris" and says he isn't going to make it into the office. He tells "Boris" to call him at extension 1820 if he needs anything before Poor Man's Jason Segel takes the phone away and hangs it up. In her car, Fi dials Sam and asks what 1820 means. "A place in the marina. Why?" Sam asks. "I'm going to miss my movie," she says. And speaking of missing things, how did Poor Man's Jason Segel not recognize that Michael was giving secret directions to where he was right now? I fear I have insulted not only Jason Segel, but poor men.
Gerard and crew lead Michael out of the bar as he VOs, "When you need to distract someone without raising suspicions, it helps to play to preconceptions. Tourists are fat, old people are cranky, and girls can't drive." With that, Fi backs her Saab right into the back of Gerard's car, causing more noise than apparent damage. She plays the dizzy chick, using the old "I was putting on my makeup" excuse and offering to give him her insurance info. "How about just your number and we'll call it even?" he slimes. She asks him for a pen, but he's not that kind of guy. She asks some other people until she "finds" Michael in the back of Gerard's car and asks him for a pen like they don't know each other. As he hands it over, he quietly tells her in his normal voice, "They're not letting me leave. Tell Sam the fake heist is on for real now." "I missed my date," she whispers back, and adds, "Thank you!" Michael doesn't look like that's the worst news he's heard all day. I would submit that it's even better news for Fiona's date.
After the ads, it's the morning. Fi's watching from her parked car in the woods as Gerard and Michael and crew load up a big Zodiac boat with stuff. She delivers some awkward expository dialogue -- awkwardly -- over the phone to Sam, telling him to hurry up because it's looking like the job is about to go down. Sam promises to be there; they're just taking the time to do this right. "We've just got to find a place to put Mike's yogurt while we do the job," Sam says, since apparently Michael's refrigerator is being drafted for this project. Sam asks how Michael seems to be doing. As Fi watches him fidget geekily with a couple of grappling hooks, she complains, "I wish they'd smack him around a little." She's still bitter about missing her date, and having to use the excuse of food poisoning. And he believed it? That's like me claiming to be sick from exposure to dilithium crystals.
Now we spend some time with Sam and Virgil in Michael's kitchen area as Michael explains how easy it is to counterfeit pharmaceuticals. The first step: "Fill some vials with your favorite beverage." Looks like it's some green-yellow Amp energy drink, which the ex-SEALs store along with compressed gas and some cryogenic containers. Oh, is that all it takes? Michael's VO continues that the trick is to keep people from wanting to look too closely lest they freeze off a finger. Sam pops the vials into a metal canister filled with mist, doing his best to look like a mad scientist.
We then catch up with Gerard, Michael, and crew on their speedboat, en route to intercept the yacht. Michael wants his mask, and Gerard says it doesn't matter if the courier recognizes him: "He can tell it to the fishes." As Michael realizes that Gerard plans to kill Virgil, he VOs, "Dealing with a trained operative is like playing chess with a master. Dealing with criminals, on the other hand, is like playing checkers with a three-year-old. They like to change the rules." So Michael does some rule-changing of his own and demands a gun. He's still rambling about how if there's going to be shooting he wants to be armed as well when Gerard hands him a weapon and says, "You happy?" Michael "clumsily" points it at Gerard's head while cocking it. Gerard's surprisingly cool about it. Must be one of those types whose mood gets better the closer he is to a job.
As the boat closes in on Virgil's borrowed yacht, Michael talks about the advantages of Gerard's approach: the Zodiac is low to the water, fast, and maneuverable. It can just get a little bumpy, to the point where it's hard to tell if Michael's faking his seasickness. The boat's pretty close behind Virgil by the time he turns around to see it. The pirates board the boat easily, and Gerard sends Virgil to the bow to wait while his men get the goods from the fridge in the cabin. While they're busy with that, Michael approaches Virgil alone and tells him, "Go with this." Then he starts yelling at Virgil, insisting they don't know each other. Virgil plays his part, acting like he knows Michael from the lab and that everyone's going to know it was him. Michael pretends to panic, and with his back to Gerard, fires two bullets past Virgil's gut at point-blank range. Thus he prevents Gerard from killing Virgil by "killing" Virgil first. As Virgil falls headfirst into the ocean, Michael VOs, "Navy SEALs are trained to hold their breath for three to five minutes underwater. If you're an ex Navy SEAL, you probably still have the chops. But there's only one way to find out" And, worst-case scenario, you won't have to spend as much time cockblocking your mom any more. Michael leans over the gunwale staring at the water in feigned horror, but Gerard is proud of him for breaking his cherry. I'd say Michael's lucky that Gerard gave him a gun with live ammo in it, or the jig would be up right now. Michael takes a hit from his inhaler and goes back to the aft deck to yell at Gerard's guys for touching the drugs. He even calls one an idiot, nearly starting a fight. Gerard takes Michael's side and orders, "Load 'em up!" "Load 'em up!" Michael repeats, then does a double-take when he spots his familiar rusty Coldspot standing there in the cabin. For once, his VO nearly loses its cool. "Great," it says, as a very pissy Michael follows the crew back to the Zodiac. After it's gone, Virgil pops back to the surface, looking a smidge winded.
Back on shore, as his men unload the boat, Gerard promises to get Michael drunk, "maybe even laid." Hey, let's not promise miracles here. Sam and Fi watch from Fi's parked car as Michael "helps" them load the coolers into a black van. He's acting like he can barely lift them. Shouldn't he have gone to more pains to disguise his body type? Or is he hoping that Gerard will assume he's been sampling the goods?
Fi shadows the van to a very large storage space that's more like a campus than a single warehouse. They wait outside the gate as the guard lets Gerard's van onto the grounds, and as Sam assesses the rudimentary security, he goes over the stage: he and Fi wait for Gerard's crew to leave with Michael, and then they go in and get the stuff back. Fi suggests going in now, preferably shooting. Sam says that could get Michael hurt. "Doesn't sound so bad," Fi snarks. Oh, grow up, Fi. You can confidently leverage your sexuality in every episode, or you can bitch about missing a date like you'll never get another one, but you can't do both.
Michael's finally inside the storage facility with Gerard and his crew, but the bad news is that it's a cavernous warehouse. Gerard has finally gotten chatty, and when Michael asks if he's worried about people finding his stuff, he says, "In here? Good luck." They've reached a refrigeration unit, which Michael pretends to assess and find satisfactory. He does warn Gerard, however, that he'd better make sure he doesn't have any other drugs right to that spot lest they get fried by the heat output, and Gerard assures him, "All our stuff's scattered around. Nothing nearby." Michael pretends to be pleased about that, even though he's totally bummed. He claims he wants to get some tools from the van, and Gerard, looking suspicious, sends a henchman to accompany him.
Outside, Fi and Sam are getting ready to move in when Michael comes out and uses an inhaler puff as cover to give them a head-shaking signal to abort. Let's hope there actually are some tools in that van for Michael to get.
But later, Michael has at least been allowed to leave, as he's back at his loft that evening to report to Sam and Virgil that there's no way to find where in the warehouse the medicine is. Virgil is ready to go search himself, but Michael says, "You want to search through ten thousand boxes? Be my guest." "Sounds like the world's worst game show," Sam observes. Don't give them ideas. Michael reaches behind himself to get a yogurt from the fridge, having forgotten that it's not there any more. Sam sort of comes through for him by plopping a lidless Styrofoam cooler up onto the counter and cheerfully asking, "Hungry?" Michael realizes that their only chance of getting the stuff back is tricking Gerard into moving it, a concept he illustrates by sliding the cooler across the counter (but not fast enough to prevent Sam from snagging a beer from it first). "I think it's time to bring back the mysterious Mr. Finley," he says.
day, Gerard is back at the bar hoisting a few with his guys when Michael comes slouching up, apparently in a panic about wanting his money. Gerard throws him on the table and demands to know what's up. Michael acts freaked out over having just learned about the involvement of "Chuck Finley." Gerard doesn't see what the big deal is, which just makes Michael pretend to freak out more. "You don't get it. We're dead! We're dead. We are dead." Gerard tells Michael that Finley's the buyer, and Michael takes an inhaler hit before launching into a horror story about Finley, totally cribbed from The Usual Suspects. "Everyone he's worked with is dead. He's everywhere! If the devil had a name, it'd be Chuck...Finley." This last word is delivered in a terrified whisper. He goes on until Gerard is good and spooked, and then asks for his money so he can just go. Gerard informs Michael that he will in fact be accompanying them to the warehouse. Michael resists, until Gerard pulls that gun out again. I love how Michael keeps getting Gerard to do what he wants by pretending to not want to do it.
While Michael helps Gerard's guys reload stuff from the warehouse to the van (and pretending to be barely strong enough to manhandle a cooler), Fi is nearby, making a breathy distress call to the police about a drug deal she claims to be witnessing. Clicking a stopwatch, she adds, "Oh, you have patrols in the area already? Thank goodness." A VO from Michael explains, "Need the police to respond right away? Call ahead. If you've reported a few minor crimes within a six-block radius, you can be sure someone will show up when you need them." And I guess you just need to hope that Gerard doesn't hear the sirens on all the cop cars we see screaming around the local streets. Fortunately, he's too busy answering Michael's nosy questions about another stack of boxes that they're loading up, saying they contain antiviral drugs. "I can't be responsible for that," Michael nerds instead of letting out a whoop at having finally found Marcela's shit. Gerard tells him to chill, just as a big white panel truck drives onto the lot. Michael freaks out, saying that Finley has arrived and it means they're all doomed. As the truck parks at an angle to block the entrance, Gerard sees only one guy driving the vehicle, and doesn't get what the big deal is. Michael says there must be guys in the back of the truck, and tries to bolt. Gerard's men stop him as Gerard tells them to keep loading the stuff while he and Poor Man's Jason Segel take care of "Finley and his guys." They load up with assault rifles, while somehow Sam has gotten out of the truck cab and is now waiting safely out of sight behind the truck with Fi. Gerard and Poor Man's Jason Segal move closer and empty their clips into the back of the truck. Nothing happens. Not in front of them, at least. But behind them, Michael is just wrapping things up with Gerard's other two guys. Which is to say, he has finished helping them load the van and has efficiently kicked their asses. As Gerard turns in shock to watch, Michael drops the Jackson persona along with his inhaler, straightening up and drawing a handgun while walking toward Gerard and the truck. It's a very nice payoff, seeing Gerard's reaction to Michael's metamorphosis. Michael gives us a VO: "Most people think that shooting the gas tank of a vehicle makes it explode. Unless the car is on fire, you'll just spill a few bucks' worth of gas. An explosion requires something extra. Like a few bags of acetone peroxide taped to the gas tank." Funny, this truck just happens to be equipped with that very accessory. Which Michael now shoots with his handgun from fifty yards, sending up a spectacular fireball. As Gerard and Poor Man's Jason Segel sprint away from it, Michael calmly closes the back of the van with the drugs safely inside and drives off through what must be the lot's other exit. And the cops arrive literally the second to nab Gerard and his crew. Now that's some slick timing. One second later and Michael would have been arrested along with the rest of them. Seeing him try to explain to the police what he's been up to would have filled up a whole other episode.
Michael, Sam, and Virgil return the goods to Marcela, and Michael offers, "May I suggest that you fly the medicine time?" She asks what she can do to repay them. "You know some guys who can move a fridge?" Sam asks. Well, yeah, but you kind of got them arrested. Also, how'd you and Virgil move the Coldspot in the first place? And would it really be that hard to move it back? Off Michael's look, Sam seriously says, "My cooler doesn't hold much beer, Mike." Apropos of nothing, Virgil tells Marcela her dad would have been proud, and she hugs him and walks away. Apparently they can bring the boxes back in their own damn selves. Good thing they also have some nice cold Amp® on hand for refreshment.
But of course the real reason Marcela had to leave the scene was so Madeline can enter it. Virgil protests to Michael that he didn't call her, but Michael's decided he's cool with them dating. In fact, he told Madeline what Virgil was doing in Miami, and she's all impressed with him now. He apologizes for his earlier rudeness, and she offers to let him make it up over dinner. "Take her someplace nice. No guns," Michael says. As Virgil and Madeline happily walk off hand-in-hand, Sam pushes it by saying, "You know, Mike, if you had to have a stepdad, you could do worse."
So let's wrap up this week's burn notice plot. It's nighttime as Michael and Fi again approach Seymour's front door, dressed as though for an evening out. Fi says that Seymour just asked them to stop by. "He sounded more paranoid than normal." Why Michael doesn't just draw his weapon right now I don't know, but he notices Fi's white dress and asks if she's missing another date. Fi says that Seymour's doing an upgrade on a weapon for her and she figured she'd pick it up this evening. "I have no intention of missing any more dates," she says. "You look beautiful, Fi," Michael says out of nowhere, taking her aback. She's still formulating a reply when Jackass answers the door and leads them into the house.
Inside, Michael finally asks Fi about her gentleman friend, and she says he's a paramedic and that Michael would like him. "I wouldn't count on it," Michael says, just as Seymour jumps out from behind a corner and slams him in the ribs from behind with a baseball bat. At the same time, Jackass grabs Fi and threatens her with his gun. Seymour's seriously upset, demanding to know what Michael has gotten him into with his questions about the sniper rifle. Choking, re-thumping, and then flooring Michael with the bat, Seymour orders, "You start answering questions or your girlfriend gets a bullet in the head!" "I'm not his girlfriend," Fi calmly says. That's all the distraction Michael needs to kick out at Seymour's shin nerve, causing him to buckle and drop the bat. Spotting an open canister of black dust, Michael VOs, "Arms dealers keep gunpowder handy to manufacture custom-made rounds." That handy? As Michael reaches for it and flings its contents behind him and Seymour in the direction of Jackass and Fi, the VO continues, "But gunpowder doesn't need to be in a bullet to be dangerous. Even muzzle flare can set it off. So when dispersed through a room, anyone with half a brain puts his gun away." So then maybe it wasn't the best idea for Michael to have created that explosive black cloud when the only armed guy in the room is someone who goes by the professional name of Jackass. Fortunately, Seymour warns him not to shoot. Fi takes the upper hand by grabbing a nearby rifle and clubbing Jackass to the floor with it. Meanwhile, Michael forces Seymour's head to the table and says, "You want to tell me what that was about?" Seymour says that when he tracked down the shop that did the modifications on the Dragunov, he found it burned to the ground and the owner dead. Sounds like Them. Seymour naturally assumed that Michael was setting him up. Michael asks who brought the gun in. When Seymour claims he doesn't know, Fi, even more In No Mood than usual, dumps another container of gunpowder on his face. Seymour maintains that all he knows is that someone picked up some stuff for the gun: "Specially calibrated muzzle brakes, night sights, and a fiber-optic camera." And the name of the guy who picked it up was Bill Johnson. Well, that's certainly a thick, juicy lead. Fi's about ready to shoot Seymour, but Michael stops her and tells Seymour, "We were never here, you understand?" Seymour does.
On their way out, Michael apologizes for besmirching Fi's dress. Hey, Michael, why not make it up to her by taking her out right now for some Flaming Baked Alaska? She's actually in a forgiving mood, considering the giant gun she just go to walk out of Seymour's house with. "You think this Johnson has something to do with the people who burned you?" she wonders. Michael reasons that the fiber-optic camera is for proof of death. "We've got to find this guy. Now we've got his name, but he could be anywhere." This over a helicopter shot showing how big Miami can look at night when you're searching for one guy.
And that's it for the three weeks, for some reason. Enjoy your break, Michael. And "Bill Johnson," if that's your real name, and if it is, I'm going to be very disappointed.M. Giant is a Minneapolis-based writer with a wife, a son, and a number of cats that seems to have settled at around two. Learn waaaay too much about him at Velcrometer, or just e-mail him at M.Giant[at]gmail.com
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