Touched

S07E20

Previously on Buffy: Faith came to town in search of a storyline. A girl got her neck snapped. A girl got a knife stuck in her belly. A boy had his eye poked out. He screamed. His blood poured down his face. Remind me why I watch this show again?

After Buffy is over, I might have to watch only the Home & Garden network for months. I'll be seeking redemption for consuming so much violence couched as entertainment. Sometimes I have a very hard time balancing my love for genre stories with the incredibly dirty feeling I get from sitting on my ass, wasting my time, while cringing and watching people get beaten, bruised, and broken. And on top of that dirty feeling lies the silt of guilt for all the violence I view that doesn't even produce the cringe reaction. You didn't want to know that, did you? Well, it's my second-to-last recap and my inhibitions are lowered.

Summers living room. Soon after Buffy got Blighed and left the island. Everyone is talking at once about power and having a voice. Giles removes his glasses and rubs his eyes. Arguing, arguing. Why do they scream at each other? This is what it sounds like when doves cry. Faith tries to interject and calm the room down, but the arguing continues. And just in case the overlapping dialogue and actors' defensive body language aren't enough to let us know things aren't going well, we get swoopy handheld agitated camera work and super-quick cuts. The camera of Bickering Betrayal flicks around the room and...

Ash: What ever happened to Andrew?
Ace: I killed him and buried him in the back yard.
Ash: [long pause] No, really. Where'd he go?
Ace: [sigh] He and Spike went to the mission in Gilroy?
Ash: Gilroy?
Ace: Gilroy. California. He and Spike went on Spike's motorcycle to Gilroy.
Ash: Ah, Andrew's taking a hiatus.
Ace: No. He's taking a B-plot.
Ash: [satisfied] Okay!

Okay, I just banned Ash from the den. His Andrew fixation is getting a little creepy. Giles wants "constructive dialogue," and Millie repeatedly tries to recommend the "parliamentary procedure" she learned in Model UN. Except she slurs the first word, and on first viewing I sat here baffled as to what the "Palmieri procedure" was. I was all, "Should I get that reference? Should I brush up on my Italian pop culture figures?" Everyone is talking at once but Dawn, sitting to Giles, who just stares into the distance. Giles quietly assures her that Buffy will be fine and that they did the right thing. Dawn still feels crappy. Dawn seems to be the only one who cares that Buffy is gone. Not a hint from Xander or Willow that they're sad, or conflicted, or wish to go after Buffy and make sure she's okay. Who the hell are these people? They're not my Xander and Willow. I mean, I supported them challenging Buffy, and I think Buffy pushed too far and was too cold, and I think she basically tossed herself out of the house, but...but...someone other than Dawn should care that she's gone. What? Don't look at me. I'm, uh, busy. Yeah. I've gotta wash my hair. More bickering and swoopy camera work and Faith finally raises her voice, telling everyone to chill. She suggests that they get some sleep and tackle the problem in the morning. Kennedy scoffs that they don't have time to waste like that. Shut up, Kennedy. Faith persists, and the room seems to be swaying her way when the electricity suddenly shuts off. Girls babble about finding candles, and Faith peeks out the window. She confirms that all the lights on the street are out and theorizes that the power plant people have fled Sunnydale. Aw, and they shut off the electricity behind them. Energy conservation is important, even in an apocalypse.

On a dark street, a family packs their car by battery-powered lanterns. Y'know, Sep addressed this last week and I barely have the energy to care, but this whole "citizens flee Sunnydale" plot is beyond lame. It's so far beyond lame that it's the Lame at the End of the Universe. Not the concept so much, but the execution. Oh, sure, ME is doing a little more showing now. Showing us the people leaving rather than just telling us it's happening. But the threat? The motivation? The source of the mass panic? We're still being told. We haven't seen a single second of it. We've seen a villain -- the villain to end all villains, supposedly, the Source of All Evil -- that has all its energy focused on a handful of people in a single house. And we're told that somehow this translates to Sunnydale being emptied of its residents, yet we see NOTHING. Fuckin' lame. Lame lame lame lame. I just can't...I can't even express how disappointed I am in Joss Whedon and his crew here. I don't have the words (and believe me, that doesn't happen often). Anyway, we see Buffy walk by this fleeing family, her sad arms clutched around her tiny, emaciated torso, her tiny brow crumpled over her empty, soulless eyes, her lower lip pouting and quivering. I remain unmoved. Buffy enters a dark house and looks around. A middle-aged man comes from a back room and points a shotgun at Buffy, demanding she leave his house. Buffy pouts at him and just grabs the weapon out of his hands, saying she thought the house would be empty. Uh, well, it's not. So turn around and leave like the man asked, Buffy. She doesn't, though. She tells him he should leave. The town is full of empty houses, and she has to have this one? He protests, "You can't just kick me out of my own house," and Buffy drones, "Why not? It's what all the cool kids are doing nowadays." Looks like Buffy was asleep in Sunday school and misheard the Golden Rule. See, she thought they said, "Do unto others as they have done unto you." It makes you cool. Buffy wanders around, telling the guy it's not his house or his town anymore and he, obviously thinking she's a dangerous nutcase (and how close to the truth he is), flees. Buffy mopes into the kitchen and opens the fridge. "Got any Tab?" she whines after the guy. ME is brutally off their game if they think I'm gonna be all laughy with pseudo-classic dippy Buffy after watching her evict this guy.

Spike and Andrew are still at Nuestra Señora del Ajo Sagrado. They seems to be marking time for some reason. Every time I reread that sentence, I think I wrote "making time" and I scare myself. Andrew wants to play games, Spike doesn't. Um, not those kind of games. They bicker. Third-to-last episode, people, and we're wasting precious seconds on this. Andrew flounces around all ADD, and then expositions the only useful piece of information in this scene: they have to wait until it's night again to leave so Spike won't burn up. Except that IT IS night in Sunnydale, as the past two scenes have just shown us. So either Spike and Andrew are total morons, or it's very close to sunrise so they can't leave. Heh -- why say "either"? I'll go with both options. Spike is all agitated about not being around to help Buffy.

Basement of Betrayal. Faith, Xander, Dawn, and the Junior Misses are gathered around in candlelight, reviewing what they know so far. They're wearing different clothes than in the opening scene, so is this supposed to be the morning? If so, why are they in the basement? Was the living room set deemed just a little too spacious and exciting? Some things they know: most humans have left Sunnydale, evil wants them dead, and men in black eye patches shouldn't wear red plaid shirts. Oops, sorry. That last one is something they obviously don't know. Kennedy claims that Father Malarkey told Buffy that "everything is going down at the Seal [of Danzig]." Uh, no he didn't. And shut up, Kennedy. Kennedy is going to recommend some action at the school, but Faith wants to stick with reviewing their knowledge. Various people contribute to a list of their enemies. J. Sweet 'n' Low is there, so I guess she wasn't just purely a fantasy of Xander's. Faith declares the Bringers the "weakest link." Oh, hey -- Giles is there, and he's leaning! Hi, Giles. Whoops, sorry. Sometimes I forget we're no longer together. My brain just sent my heart the memo again. He wants to know if Faith is considering attacking the Bringers. Her plan is more along the lines of kidnapping one to make it talk. She gets some snarking from Kennedy (shut up, Kennedy) and Xander. Look, Wood is there too. Who knew? Not me, because the swoopy cam didn't give us an establishing shot. Kennedy wants to take a team to the school, and Faith flat-out tells her no. Kennedy starts whining about things not being different since they deposed the Buffster and earns a "Shut up, Kennedy" of sorts from Willow, who tells her she's "pushing too hard." Faith gets tired of Kennedy's crapola and stands up. She tells the group she's the boss, the leader. They'll do what she says. In conclusion, Kennedy needs to "back the hell off" and let Faith do her job. Anybody who joins me in telling Kennedy to shut the hell up is my hero of the day.

By Ace

Giles and some Junior Misses troop up out of the Summers's basement. They join Anya and Dawn in the kitchen, and Giles fills everyone in: "The Bringer is dumb." "You were expecting what? A Rhodes scholar?" snarks Anya. She's merely covering for the fact that she's weak in the knees because Giles is leaning again. Or maybe it's me that's weak in the knees. Look, I've learned something about myself in the past four years of recapping this show. I've learned I have simple tastes in television: I just want to watch some people I like have adventures. Sure, there can be dark moments. Sure, there can be villains and challenges. But I need to like -- really like and respect -- one or two of the leads in order to be invested in the show. I'm sure that's not very sophisticated of me, but there it is. And I've given myself whiplash this season, jerking around trying to find someone to like because all these people are so hateful and lousy. So right now I like Giles. Because he looks good leaning. I'm sure he'll open his mouth and be Prick Giles, or Evil Giles, in a second, but for now I'll take what I can get. Giles clarifies that the Bringer is dumb, as in mute, because its tongue has been ripped out. Dawn pipes up that she's been translating a Turkish spell that allows people to "communicate with the dying" or other people who can't talk. Willow didn't think of this because she's very dumb, and not as in mute, this season. Why did they even bring her back this year to waste her in twenty episodes of whining inaction? Couldn't Willow have died in England trying to harness her evil impulses and left us all to shed a tiny tear and move on? They decide to try the spell on the Bringer, and then the useless duo, Spike and Andrew, arrive home.

Everyone in the kitchen is fairly silent, anticipating the conflict with Spike over Buffy's departure, and we get a full thirty seconds of Andrew babbling. Thirty seconds might not sound like a lot to you, but in an hour (forty-five minutes more or less, sans commercials) of television, and a recapper's life, it's an eternity. Andrew scurries off to pee and Spike asks where Buffy is, so he can brief her on the information discovered at Ajo Sagrado. Dawn lamely says that Buffy's not there; Spike wants to know when she'll be back. Nervously, Willow steps forward and tries to explain. She's practically panting with anxiety as she tells Spike that there was a meeting, disagreements were discussed, and "Buffy decided it would be best for all of [them] if she took a little time off, a little breather." Willow is anxious here...why? Because she feels guilty about what happened with Buffy? Not much evidence that she cares. Because she's terrified of Spike? I think he would flay as easily as the Warren. Why are you lying, Willow? Ah, who cares. I don't like these people anyway.

Spike is skeptical of the explanation. He chuckles bitterly and sneers, "You sad, sad, ungrateful traitors. Who do you think you are?" Willow stutters that they're Buffy's friends. Spike sneers. Giles tries to break in, and Spike jumps on him, saying that Buffy "surpassed" Giles and he "can't handle it." Yeah, that's right, Spike. Giles is juss jellus. Spike berates them for betraying Buffy, for ignoring the fact that she's died for them. And they've saved her many times over, too. I can't see any debts there. And see, Spike, these people have a sense of identity and some tiny shreds of self-respect left. Unlike you, they won't lie down and be kicked like dogs for love, or your obsessive, suffocating version of it. Faith, sounding like a TWoP moderator, tells Spike to "take it down a notch or two." Ban him, Faith. She tells Spike that "the time for speech-giving is over," and they face off. Spike punches her. Yay! Oh, why yay? I'm celebrating that I only have to watch two more episodes of a show that consistently resorts to having its rilly, rilly kewl lead characters assault people who tell them things they don't like. Spike and Faith exchange punches right there in the kitchen as Faith taunts Spike about being "whipped" by Buffy. Spike wishes. Heh. Faith kicks the Platinum Helmet right into the dining room and pounds on him a little. The Scoobies run in to spectate. More fighting. Spike says that Faith finally got what she wanted (to usurp Buffy as The Slayer). He leaves.

Outside on the sidewalk, Spike sniffs the air and, catching a scent, takes off. Oh, please! I didn't just see that! Someone tell me I didn't see that. Hold on, the phone's ringing.

Right. That was Sep on the phone, and she says I did just see that. It was like something out of our old Bad Fic topic come to life. Is Spike following Buffy's (sneer) vanilla scent? Or perhaps she's (sneer) on her period? What? Don't look at me -- I'm not the one with the obsession with menstrual blood and vampires.

I would do a little Ramones riff here (hey, Daddy-o, I don't wanna go down to the basement, there's somethin' down there) but I think Sep's already done that this season. So back down the basement we go. The Bringer is chained to the wall. Willow casts the spell as Giles, Xander, Andrew, and Kennedy look on. The spell doesn't seem to work, because the Bringer still doesn't have anything to say. Andrew: "I am a drone in the mind that is evil. I say I am part of the great darkness." Kennedy and Xander are frustrated with Andrew's babbling, but Willow and Giles realize that Andrew has been taken over as the Bringer's voice. So Willow and Giles are still smarter than Xander and Kennedy, at least. Oh. Well, that's not saying much, is it? I guess Xander's maiming won't be making him a seer as speculated. Xander loses his fucking eye and still doesn't get a plotline? Here's what I picture happening: Nick Brendon tells Joss, "You know, man, I'd give my left eye for a plot for Xander," and Joss is all, "Heh heh heh, that's an idea." Because Joss? Is EVIL. And not in the complimentary way I used to say it. Everyone in the room jumps away from Andrew, who continues to channel the Bringer. Kennedy grabs its knife and threatens it, demanding, "Tell me exactly what the Bringers are doing." Shut UP, Kennedy. Giles holds out his hand for the knife, and she reluctantly gives it to him. The Bringers apparently have a very busy schedule, which includes building "an arsenal beneath the dirt." Oh, and listening to the commands of "their teacher, Caleb." Poor Bringers. I bet they wish they were deaf, too. Turns out the Bringers are preparing weapons at the edge of town. Oh, and they're not at all scared of the Scooby crew. Andrew drones, "We will laugh at you as you die," and Giles moves quickly, decisively. He slashes the Bringer's throat. Who's laughing now? Andrew is freed from the spell and is all upset that Giles would take such a rash action while he was linked with the Bringer. I'm a little sad it didn't actually harm him. Giles says they have enough and strides up the stairs, barking out commands. He tells Xander to find a "subterranean space large enough to house an armory." Masterful Giles is rather, uh, attractive. Do you think he still has my number? Maybe I don't care anymore if he's evil.

Buffy mopes on a bed under her coat. She's been moping for a night and a day and into the night. Wow, someone alert the King Mope, Angel. He'll want to show up and give Buffy a prize! Spike has sniffed and snuffed out Buffy's scent trail, which has to have been about twenty-four hours cold. WHATEVER! Perhaps Buffy should bathe more often. Spike enters the Mausoleum of Mope, the Parlor of Penitence, the Chamber of Chagrin, the Room of Remorse, the Sitting Room of Sulk, Powder Room of Pity, Foyer of Fret...ah, I ran out of synonyms. Ash took my computer off the network, so I can't access www.bartleby.com and my thesaurus is still packed away -- a recapper without her tools is a terrible thing. Spike chides Buffy for lying around unprotected and tells her he knows Buffy got booted from the house. Well, duh. That's why you came looking for her, right? Spike calls Faith a "bitch" for kicking Buffy when she was down, and I wonder why all his ire is focused on Faith for the mutiny. If I were him (ha!), I'd focus more on being mad at Buffy's longtime friends, Xander, Willow, and Giles, for not preventing it or sticking up for Buffy. Buffy finally rouses herself from her depression enough to tell Spike everyone kicked her out, and "it's not like they were wrong." She tells him to leave. He doesn't, because he has exciting news: "You were right. Caleb is trying to protect something from you. And I think you were spot-on all the way -- I think it's at the vineyard. So you were right." So, okay. Upon first viewing, I thought Spike was referring to Buffy's plan to go back to the vineyard that resulted in her ouster. And since there was no way he could know about that, I was flabbergasted at the gaping plot hole. So much so that I even put it in my recaplet. But on second viewing, and a review of "Dirty Girls," I realize that Spike could also be referring to Buffy's initial plan to go to the vineyard after Caleb let her know he had something of hers. Which lets Spike off the hook, but makes Father Malarkey look pretty damn inept. He doesn't want Buffy to know he has something at the vineyard, so he breezes into town and tells her he has something at the vineyard? Buffy baby-voices that she doesn't feel like she's right, but Spike tries to rouse her. He blames the others for "taking" Buffy's leadership, and adds, "We can take it back." With your oh-so-charming persuasive manner, or with your fists, Spike? Good luck either way.

By Ace

Parlor of Penitence. "No?" questions Spike. "You mean 'no' as in 'eventually'?" Buffy: "You really have problems with that word, don't you?" Y'know. The first time I saw this episode, I didn't take that as an attempted rape reference at all. I thought of the very, very, very, very many times Buffy said "no" to Spike over the course of Season Six and how he didn't listen, not one single time. Maybe he wouldn't have such problems with that word in the context of you, Buffy, if you had actually stuck to your guns when you said it. "You can get them back," encourages Spike. Buffy snivels about being tired, so I guess she lay there in that bed for twenty or so hours without sleeping. Angel really is going to be so proud! "They need you. It's bloody chaos over there without you," offers up the mendacious Spike. Buffy's interest is piqued at the promise of evidence that the world does indeed revolve around her. Of course, when that evidence is revealed to be "sleeping bags not rolled up," she wilts a little. "Sounds dire," she pouts. Sitting down on the bed to her, Spike admits that he actually didn't have a lot of time to look around, since he really only blew in, "hit Faith a bunch of times and left." At this bit of news, Buffy perks right up, making me hate her SO much. It's possible that she may have been joking here, but taken in the context of her ugly actions and demeanor this season, I really have trouble giving her the benefit of the doubt. And it looks like Buffy has found the perfectly repulsive partner in Spike as he says, "You say the word and [Faith's] a footnote in history." So much for that shiny new soul, Spike. I hope you opted for the extended warranty.

Things get serious again as Buffy analyzes herself and admits that she purposefully cut herself off from the Junior Misses and her friends, because she knew that not all of them were going to survive. She gets upset and stands up, chastising herself for "making excuses" about a problem that she's had for quite a while. "Being the Slayer made me different. But it's my fault I stayed that way. People are always trying to connect to me. I just slip away. You should know." I feel so sad for all of Buffy's other friends, but especially Dawn and Xander, because she has turned her back so thoroughly on the love and admiration they had for her. Anyway, for a brief and shining moment, I had hopes that maybe Buffy had finally learned something about herself, but I have the sneaking suspicion that she's far too self-absorbed to make any actual effort towards changing, so she's chosen to reveal all of this to Spike -- the ONE person she knows would tell her that she's fine just as she is. Spike remembers a certain amount of "connecting" that went on between them last season, but Buffy brushes him off with a coy, "Please. We were never close. You just wanted me because I was unattainable." Spike bristles at this. He stands. Buffy sits. I suddenly feel like I'm back in high school, watching drama club friends trying to block a scene when they only have one chair and a limited amount of creativity. Blah, blah, blah. Spike speechifies. Bored now. My personal vision of what constitutes "romantic" hasn't appeared on this show in years. Buffy's a little bored too, because she asks him if she can lie down for a nap. I guess Spike has that effect on us.

Spike kneels in front of her and persists in continuing, saying he's seen and done many things over the years while he was running around following the calls of his groin. Nope, not making that up. "A hundred plus years and there's only one thing I've ever been sure of," he concludes. Put your underpants on before your trousers? Nope. It's Buffy. Pity. The little bit of advice I just gave you is far more reliable. Spike claims to not want anything from Buffy, which is apparently why the writers have forged this exclusive connection from them this season. Bah, I don't believe he doesn't. Also, if we all went around rejecting everyone who seemed to want things from us, we'd have sad, empty lives indeed. I have people I love and am close to. I do, however, expect them to treat me with respect. See me as a person, try to understand my point of view. And I am willing and eager to do all those things for them. So it seems to me that Buffy avoids the love of people who seem to want things, not because she's afraid they'll die or of the burden of them, but because she doesn't want to have to give in return. Poor, sad, miserly Buffy. See Spike. See Spike love Buffy. See Spike love Buffy for what she is, what she does, and how she tries. See Spike love an entirely different Buffy than the one broadcast to millions of households week after week. "I've seen your kindness and your strength. I've seen the best and worst of you." The love they share seems to go nowhere. He gave her all a boy could give her. She took his tears and that's not nearly all. He tells her she's "a hell of a woman," and I laugh out loud. Is she a "foxy lady" too, Romeo? Cripes. Buffy squeezes out a lone tear. "You're the one, Buffy." Oh God! He's still kneeling. Please tell me he isn't going to propose! He doesn't have a little black velvet box in his coat pocket, does he? Diamonds, like vampires, are forever, you know. Phew, okay. He didn't propose. Buffy murmurs in her little-girl-lost voice, "I don' wanna be the one." God, it just makes me want to smack her. "I don't want to be this good-looking and athletic. We all have crosses to bear," retorts Spike. He rises from his knees to take his leave, but Buffy asks him to stay. Losing the coat, he prepares to make his night on the comfy chair. He even quotes a little Monty Python, but my icy heart does not melt. There seems to be a misunderstanding, though, because what Buffy wants is for Spike to lie to her and hold her. Buffy reaches into her overnight bag and pulls out her "I'm using you" t-shirt. "Good thing I brought this along," she chirps. Run away, Spike! You've got to get away. Alas, he doesn't hear me. Or he just doesn't care.

Oh, yay! Back to a scene with two characters I actually like. The First Mayor is still working his psychological mojo on Faith. "Deep down you always wanted Buffy to accept you, to love you even. Why do you think that is?" he smiles. "You a shrink now?" snaps Faith. The Mayor tells her she won't find acceptance with the Scooby gang. "The truth is, nobody will ever love you. Not the way I love you," needles the Mayor. Faith tells The Mayor to scram. "They'll always see you as a killer," he continues, undaunted. "I'll always be with you, firecracker. In every-thing you do." He blips out. Ooh. His delivery on that last line was both comforting and creepy. Say what you will about the acting prowess of James Marsters, but the real Emmy crime is that Harry G. was never nominated. The Mayor in the hands of a lesser actor -- Clare Kramer, say -- would never have achieved the emotional resonance so crucial to the success of this character.

Faith is startled out of her wits by a hand placed on her shoulder. She spins around and snaps at Wood that he shouldn't sneak up on people. He apologizes, but insists that he knocked. On the open door? Because it's been open since Giles left. He wants to make sure that Faith is all right, because she looks skittish to him but Faith, as she does when she doesn't feel like she's in control, gets defensive. "You lookin' to be the guy who puts the 'pal' in 'principal' for me?" He tells her that he wanted to talk weapons with her, but decides another time might be more suitable. He heads towards the door, but closes it instead when Faith blurts out, "It was The First." Well, that's a strange come-on line. "You're really in the game now, Faith. The First doesn't show itself unless it thinks you matter," decrees Wood. Oh, is that what passes for an explanation as to why The First hasn't been so active? It doesn't bother showing itself to people who don't matter? It does really confirm that Xander and Anya don't matter, though, as we've suspected all along. Faith is shaken. Literally. Wood explains that The First is effective because it "finds [the victim's] Achilles heel." Faith is surprised: "Nah, it just talked to me. What, it does a heel thing too!?" Okay, I laughed at that, even though it made Faith look kinda bad. It just made me think of The First as a tiny dog, darting around yapping and biting at people's heels.

They both sit on the end of the bed, and Wood asks which form The First used to appear to Faith. At first she tells him it was just a former boss of hers, but eventually she admits, "It sounds retarded but he was like a dad to me." Wood commiserates and says, "It was my mother when it came to me. And I mean it was her -- right down to the perfume." This line really struck a chord with me. Imagine how affecting it would be to have someone who for all the world IS a dear person, even smells like that person, whom you had lost beyond all hope of ever seeing again, and that someone sidled up to you reiterating all of your worst fears, all of the things you keep locked up deep inside you, all of those things you lie awake nights hoping that no one else will ever find out about you. Think how that might feel. I wish the writers would have found some way of expressing all of that onscreen. Too bad. So sad. Go ahead and drop that in the Season Seven junk drawer, I guess.

"I'm so pissed off at myself," spits Faith, "I knew it was a trick." Wood reassures her, "Nobody wants to be alone, Faith. We all want someone who cares, to be touched that way. The First deals in figments but that wanting is real." Faith makes a crack about drinking her pain away, but wants to know if The First was truthful in the information it conveyed to Wood, in light of The Mayor's insistence that Buffy is dangerous to Faith. Faith frets, "The First keeps telling me to worry about her and I just wish she was here. In a couple of hours I'm gonna lead these girls into some serious crap and she's the only one..." What? The only one who has her fucktard antisocial behavior and lucky guesses validated by a script that makes sure that while she may occasionally falter, she will never truly be wrong? What can I say, Faith? You should have gotten yourself some better scriptwriters. At least you've never really pissed the Fashion Nazi off. Wood interrupts, "She's NOT the only one. You're a Slayer too, Faith, and I think you're a good leader." Faith isn't easily swayed. Wood gets up, saying, "So. Um. Tomorrow then?" Faith approaches him, husky-voiced, and takes his hand, saying, "Forget about tomorrow. This is tonight." Wait a minute! I didn't see anyone order a pizza. What's this bow-chicka-bow-wow music? She rubs his hands all over her face. They swap spit. He pulls her onto the bed. The camera lingers and lingers and lingers. The cat looks worried as I writhe around, holding my head. I attempt to claw my glasses off my face.

By Ace

First Wilkins chides Faith for not saying hello. "It's the end of humanity, Faith, not the end of courtesy." Faith tells the First to get lost, but doesn't (1) go get some of the others or (2) put on earphones and lie down with her eyes shut. Stupid Faith. The First claims that it has the power to know things about the dead people it impersonates (and I scoff, because I saw its unconvincing Dru impersonation), and asks Faith to try this claim out. She doesn't and instead gets sassy, saying she could listen to it yap all night. First Wilkins commends Faith's leadership of the Junior Misses and says she was "smart" to "kick [Buffy] out." Faith protests and defends Buffy, saying she got everyone this far. Poor Faith. She really is trying so hard to be a good person and Slayer. I'm so sorry about the end of this episode. First Wilkins steps close to Faith and tells her, "No matter what you do, Buffy will always see you as a killer, not as a person." And that's because Buffy is a twisted little hypocrite. The First continues, "And now you have what she so desperately wants -- the respect of these girls." Did Buffy want that? Huh. Coulda fooled me. I thought she wanted them to all go away and stop being a burden on her. "You stay on guard, Faith," First Wilkins tells her. Faith looks away. The First continues, "Buffy's dangerous. If you're not careful, she'll destroy you." Oh! I know the answer to this one! Buffy won't hurt anyone! She has a sooooouuul now.

"I envy them," says First Buffy to Father Malarkey. "They're barely more than animals," he protests. "But you, you're everywhere...in the hearts of little children, in the souls of the rich." He's right about kids. Little fuckers are EVIL. "They're just sinners. You ARE sin. And you're in me. Give me strength no man can have." First Buffy replies, "You're the only man strong enough to be my vessel." Whatever that means. We're never going to get any answers about Malarkey, are we? "I know why they grab at each other," continues First Buffy. Wait. The juxtaposition of this scene makes me think that The First is aware of all the goings-on in Casa Summers. So is the bloody little witch omniscient or not? Anyway, First Buffy wants to feel things the way humans do. "I want to put my hands around an innocent neck and feel it crack." Huh. If what The Mayor said earlier is true about still being Richard Wilkins III, what does this say about Buffy, whose form The First takes more than any other? Oops. Sorry. I know, I know. I was supposed to check my brain at the door.

Buffy wakes up with Spike in her arms. She looks surprised and then gets a "smell the fart" look on her face. Maybe she's opposed to the scent of Spike's hair gel?

Casa Summers. Andrew is expositioning his findings at Ajo Sagrado to all the assembled Fighters For Good Who Have Not Yet Been Kicked Out Of Casa Summers. Wait. He just said that "all these stone tablets basically said the same thing." There were more stone tablets we didn't see? Was the Styrofoam, X-Acto knife, and spray-paint budget exceeded earlier this season? He goes on to say that these numerous invisible stone tablets implied that "The First and Caleb are protecting something." Well, it might have been very useful for the viewers to see the tablets that implied anything at all about "protecting" and The First, rather than the one that just talked about designated users. Andrew thinks the inscription at the mission might be referring to a weapon. Faith gives him some praise for his discoveries, but tells him he's not coming with them. She then directs Dawn and Xander to keep tabs on Buffy, to make sure she's okay. I get the feeling here that she's both genuinely concerned about Buffy and worried about the message from the First Mayor. Dawn wants to know why they should "spy" on Buffy. I'd like to know why none of you losers thought to go after her yourselves. Faith has no morning-after fuzzies for Wood, delegating him to sitting-by-phone duty. She gathers up her troops and rolls out. So she's taking a bunch of Junior Misses into an unknown location and she isn't taking Willow, who could at least provide illumination and a shield spell. Or Giles, who has to be a better fighter than any of the Junior Misses. And she hasn't done any recon. Sigh. I'm so glad this will all be over soon.

By Ace

Faith and the girls fight Bringers. Dark. Fight. Fight. Dark. Shooting fight scenes in the dark sure saves on having to make them seem remotely realistic.

"You whore!" screams Caleb. Buffy stops in her tracks. She calls him a "woman-hating jerk." Ooh. Face. Not. The closed-captioning said "prick." Guess UPN's non-existent Standards and Practices department didn't care for that word. In his rage, Caleb pushes aside a wine barrel that was blocking Buffy's view of a trapdoor. Buffy slithers down into the trapdoor, which closes after her, a wine barrel coming to rest right on top of it.

In the sewers, the girls have subdued the Bringers. Kennedy calls Faith's attention to a stairway. Faith leads the girls downstairs. She finds a locked strongbox.

Buffy approaches the lumps of rock where the Bringers were working earlier. In one rock, some sort of weapon is embedded.

Ace: What the fuck was that?
Sep: Was it a chainsaw? Looked like a chainsaw. Oh my God! Is Buffy's hand going to go evil, and she'll have to chop it off, and then wear that thing in its place?
Ace: That would rock! I totally thought it was an axe. You know, a wicked guitar, and Buffy was gonna pick it up and be all, "I'm Buffy Anne Summers, Esquire. And he's William 'Spike' The Bloody. And together we're WYLD STALLYNS!" And then she'll defeat Caleb with some tasty licks.
Sep: Dude, Spike wasn't there.
Ace: Yeah, shoot. Maybe that thing was her stapler?
Sep: Could be. And it was red, like Milton's.

Okay, so on closer inspection, the weapon stuck in a blot of tar looks to be a fancy axe with a stake in the handle. So were the Bringers forging it or unearthing it? And if Malarkey and The First know that only "she" can wield it, why unearth it? So many fruitless questions. No fruit for Ace. A chorus of angels on high sing in the background, letting us know that Buffy Was Right And We Were A Bunch Of Asshole Chumps To Ever Doubt Her. She smirks freakily. Ah, the unbearable rightness of being Buffy.

Meanwhile, Faith busts open the lock on the box to reveal that it's stuffed full of dynamite. The counter reads 08. "Everybody down!" yells Faith. How much do I hate this? How much do I hate that Faith fell into the trap that Caleb set for Buffy? How much do I loathe that the script has proven Buffy right and tacitly validated her piss-poor leadership skills? I cannot stand that now the Scoobs are shown to have been WRONG to so much as question Buffy when she told them that they needed to "fall in line." Now they must all hang their heads in shame for failing to lick the golden boots of Buffy Summers. Fuck that shit, yo. I'll call a spade a spade. Buffy is a straight-up bitch who, if she ever wants to be worthy of the lives that are entrusted to her, needs to learn how to fucking play well with others and lose the attitude. Otherwise she's just Dawson with better hair.

By Ace

And not a moment too soon! Willow walks into her room, preparing to tell the Junior Misses that it's lights out, but finds only Kennedy sprawled on her bed, twirling her hair, with a whole bunch of sex candles on the nightstand. Hope none of those girlie scarf-hangings are too close to those candles -- nothing puts a damper on the humpty like setting the room on fire. Willow wonders where the Headgear Brigade is, and Kennedy saucily pouts, "Looks like there's only one girl here." So what does that make you, Kennedy? Actually, scratch that. I don't want to know what kind of hideous beast you are. Willow twigs to Kennedy's plan and closes the door. She sits on the bed and allows Kennedy to kiss her. Still kissing, they lie down. Willow pulls away a little. She's nervous. I wouldn't want to make out with Kennedy either. Willow is scared that something dangerous will happen, like when they kissed and she turned into Warren. Willow seems to think she has Angel's problems or something. Well, she has been moping enough this season. I'm glossing over a bunch of lines here about "unrestrained moaning and screaming with joy." But only because they make me very, very ill. I know that, as a dramatic device, people say that certain scenes or actors make them sick, but in my case it's physically true. Thinking about having to recap this scene, watching Kennedy and Willow uncomfortably contort themselves into the throes of supposed passion, has been ruining my week. Right. So then there's some dumb-ass shit in which Kennedy promises to be Willow's kite string and tether her to the earth. Shut up, Kennedy. Oh, and -- what the fuck? Is that SAG strike thing still going on? Did it spread to the writers so that ME was forced to employ all those sad saps from the Hallmark Channel? God, this dreck is sick-making. Anyway. Willow seems mollified, and they dot-dot-dot (you'll get that if you've seen Mamma Mia, as I did just last night.)

By Ace

Down in the kitchen, Anya and Xander are sharing a tub of ice cream while accompanied by a sex-moan-and-bedspring concerto. They bitch about the fact that everyone but them is getting laid. Anya sums it up with, "If we're done having sex, then I think other people should just knock it off."

Musical montage. Gracious Guitar of Groping with Vaginal Vocalizing. Spike holds Buffy. Posters have griped about Faith keeping her bra on. It doesn't seem very Faith-like, but maybe Wood asked her to. What? If I gotta recap this stuff, I'm taking y'all down with me. Faith does things to Wood that I don't want to know about. Kennedy does things to Willow that I don't want to see. Xander and Anya go at it on the kitchen floor. Y'know, normally I like musical montages because they're the equivalent of having eighty-four bars of rests in an orchestra. Easy to recap, no pesky dialogue. But could they please just KNOCK IT OFF WITH THE HUMPING ALREADY? I can't help but think about where all the Junior Misses are. Faith and Wood are knocking boots in Joyce's old room. Willow and Kennedy are making the beast with two backs in Buffy's old room. Xander and Anya are right in the middle of the kitchen floor, getting sweaty in front of God and everyone. That leaves Dawn's room, which is right door to Willow and Kennedy; the basement, which is right below Xanya; and the living room, which is right nearby. I've never felt so sorry for those girls in my life.

By Ace

Buffy wakes up with Spike in her arms. She looks surprised and then gets a "smell the fart" look on her face. Maybe she's opposed to the scent of Spike's hair gel?

Spike wakes to cloying strings on the soundtrack and finds a note on his pillow. Buffy is nowhere to be seen. I wish it would stay that way.

Sunnydale Free-Range Bringer Farm and Winery. Caleb promises First Buffy that it won't be long now until they get "it" out. First Buffy orders him to "rouse the Bringers," but they're interrupted by the sound of a comatose Bringer tumbling head over heels down the stairs. Buffy, hands on her hips, yells down, "Hey. Heard you got something of mine." That girl would go to the ends of the earth for her stapler.

If networks want to make sure you watch commercials, they ought to make a twelve-page recap for every hour of television compulsory. It even makes those damn thetruth.com ads compelling. ["No, it doesn't." -- Sars]

By Ace

Buffy trips down the stairs. "Where's it at? I'm gonna find it sooner or later," she boasts. Caleb counters, "No you're not. I lay one hand on you and you're just a dead little girl." So, wait. There's this weapon, see? That only a Slayer can wield, and that, I'm assuming, will be detrimental to The First and its lapdog. They want very, very badly for Buffy not to get her perfectly manicured little paws on it. Caleb has met Buffy in combat no less than two times. Both of those times, he had the upper hand. And he didn't kill her? And he invited her to its location? DAMMIT. Is it too much to ask that Evil not be so FUCKING STUPID all the time? Buffy taunts, "Lay a hand on me. If you can." Therein follows the scene in which Buffy Remembers That Dodging Is A Strategy Too. Too bad she couldn't remember that in time to, I dunno, save some lives. She flits around the cellar, knocking wine barrels into Caleb. First Buffy chides her vessel.

Sewers. Faith leads a pack of flashlight-toting girls. They cautiously approach a room in which a whole store of axes and swords is stockpiled. "I don't get it," says Miss Minnesota. I was just thinking about Miss Minnesota the other day! I was wondering if she had died, and for the life of me I couldn't remember at all. That's compelling television for you. "Why'd they abandon all this stuff?" Bringers drop in from above. "Maybe cuz they didn't," dryly observes Faith. They fight. And fight. I have to admit, I've never seen a fight scene quite like this: a large amount of hand-to-hand, all in the dark, with only jerking flashlights as illumination. I think I like it.

Buffy and Caleb. Fight some more. See Buffy run fast. See her run on walls. See her dodge. Dodge, Buffy, dodge.

Faith and the girls fight Bringers. Dark. Fight. Fight. Dark. Shooting fight scenes in the dark sure saves on having to make them seem remotely realistic.

By Ace

In the sewers, the girls have subdued the Bringers. Kennedy calls Faith's attention to a stairway. Faith leads the girls downstairs. She finds a locked strongbox.

Buffy approaches the lumps of rock where the Bringers were working earlier. In one rock, some sort of weapon is embedded.

Ace: What the fuck was that?
Sep: Was it a chainsaw? Looked like a chainsaw. Oh my God! Is Buffy's hand going to go evil, and she'll have to chop it off, and then wear that thing in its place?
Ace: That would rock! I totally thought it was an axe. You know, a wicked guitar, and Buffy was gonna pick it up and be all, "I'm Buffy Anne Summers, Esquire. And he's William 'Spike' The Bloody. And together we're WYLD STALLYNS!" And then she'll defeat Caleb with some tasty licks.
Sep: Dude, Spike wasn't there.
Ace: Yeah, shoot. Maybe that thing was her stapler?
Sep: Could be. And it was red, like Milton's.