This episode begins with the UPN announcer telling us that UPN's hottest show is Platinum. See? Even the NETWORK is dissing Buffy at this point.
Previously on Buffy: most of Season Three, and most of Season Seven. More Giles than actually appears in the episode, I think. Whatever happened to "from beneath you it devours," anyway? One notable juxtaposition in the previouslies: we get Season Three Faith saying "I don't care" about having killed a man, and Season Seven Buffy telling Wood that Spike will "kill [him]. More importantly, I'll let him." I'm hoping that's important.
Forest. Girl running. What, you expected something else? C'mon, at least it's not a cemetery. Bringers chase the girl, who runs out onto a road and flags down an old truck. The driver, a seemingly confused man of the cloth, wants to know what's wrong, but the girl hops in and demands he "get [her] out of here." Tonight the role of the Evil Misogynist Preacher will be played by Nathan Fillion, last seen as Captain Malcolm Reynolds on Joss Whedon's canceled Firefly. And if you loved his corn-pone accent there, you'll be sure to swoon at whatever kind of mangled Southern thing he's doing here. Myself, I had difficulty deciphering about ninety percent of his lines. Which, as I discovered when I watched again with the captioning on, was a true blessing. Preacher Mal asks the girl if she was being chased by devil worshippers and generally pretends he doesn't know what the hell is going on. The girl, Shannon, asks to be dropped in Sunnydale, and Preacher Mal says he's going there. Oh, and he introduces himself as Caleb, but I'm not sure yet if that's what I'll call him. Also, I'm sure Nathan Fillion is a nice guy, but he does to nothing for me. I didn't find him attractive, compelling, or charismatic as Mal, which really prevented me from ever investing in Firefly. I enjoyed him a little more as Caleb here, mostly because he's having so much fun, but I still find him rather ehhhh. Anyway, this is the longest and most uneventful teaser ever. Preacher Maladapted asks Shannon if she knows why she was being chased, and then conversationally inquires, "Well, did you ever think that maybe they were chasing you because you're a whore?" Shannon does not appear to have considered it from that angle. Preacher Maladapted is just getting started, though, and continues to ramble about her head being filled with filth and such like. Grabbing his opportunity to say (part of) the title of the episode, Preacher Maladapted tells her she's "dirty." Shannon protests, and I start muttering, "Shut up and jump, Shannon. Break out the window and jump." Okay, I totally missed the lines on first viewing because of the mumbling accent, but here they are: "You were born dirty. Born without a soul. Born with that gaping maw that wants to open up, suck out a man's marrow." I must admit -- I don't think I've ever heard anything quite like that on television at 7:00 PM before. And yet, there I was, leading a relatively happy existence. Thank you, ME, for introducing me to new (and utterly tasteless) horizons . Preacher Maladapted wants to puke just thinking of it, and I share the sentiment while thinking of him.
Shannon finally decides she might have picked the wrong ride, but when she reaches for the door, she finds there's no handle. As she fumbles, Preacher Maladapted describes the door as "problematical." Because crazy misogynistic preachers don't have enough problems already and need to display their evil by the use of poor grammar as well. Preacher Maladapted indicates that the Bringers are his "boys," in case that hadn't become obvious, and dismisses Satan as "a little man." Shannon makes a grab for the wheel, but Preacher Maladapted just slaps her aside. He then decides it's time for a refreshing smoke break, and -- oh sorry. It appears he's using the cigarette lighter to heat up a ring he's wearing. This can't be good for Shannon, and also, wouldn't that be a little uncomfortable for the wearer? He slams his fist into Shannon's neck, branding her with the hot ring, and shouts about cleansing fires and whatnot. Preacher Maladapted then tells Shannon there's a car behind him and she's going to deliver a message to the occupants -- a message they need to pass on to "the original, accept no substitutes, Slayer." He grabs a knife and stabs Shannon in the gut, or lower (ew), and then whispers something in her ear. Message delivered, he kicks open the passenger side door and throws her out. Shannon tumbles along the road, and a silver car pulls up and stops. Willow gets out and runs to Shannon's side. She tells her companion, Faith, that the girl needs to go to a hospital. Faith is pretty unimpressed. "Guess I'm back in Sunnydale," she grumbles, and rolls her eyes. Sorry Shannon inconvenienced you with her asphalt-eating face-plant, Faith.
That scene went on forever and was all kinds of boring. I thought of two ways the teaser could've been much more effective. In the first, we would have seen Shannon getting into the truck with Preacher Maledict. He gives her a friendly, yet slightly creepy grin. Then we cut to Faith and Willow having a conversation in the car about, well, something important like Willow understanding Faith a little more since her own turn to the dark side, or catching her up on some Sunnydale news like Spike's soul. Then they're interrupted by Shannon tumbling into the road in front of them. That way, we would be curious and in suspense about Preacher Malformed until later in the episode. Another, more effective approach would've been a truncated version of what we saw, where Preacher Malefactor identifies himself as associated with the Bringers and then instantly stabs the girl. It happens so fast that we're utterly shocked. Then the further exposition on his problems with female-kind later in the episode wouldn't have felt so goshdurned repetitive.
Xander's apartment at night. I didn't know he still lived there! Lots of Junior Misses are sleeping in the living room. Put these together with the girls at Buffy's and you have a multitude of maidens. This Slayer thing is not much of an exclusive club anymore. In Xander's bedroom, he lies under the covers as he talks with a Junior Miss who's perched on the bed. We've never seen this girl before -- but damn she's wearing too much slap. Go easy on the eyebrow plucking, sister. Eyebrows got a right to live too. This girl's sort of a knock-off J. Lo. Hee. She's J. Sweet 'n' Lo! Anyway, Xander tries to reassure the Junior Miss that "Buffy knows what she's doing." He continues that Buffy won't send this girl into battle until she's sure J. Sweet 'n' Lo is ready for "action." Ruh roh! Did someone say action? Wrong word choice! J. Sweet 'n' Lo frets a little about being scared and then lowers her eyes coyly, musing about how young she is, and inexperienced. She worries that she'll die without ever having "been with a man." Xander stutters a little. Suddenly, another girl pops up beside J. Sweet 'n' Lo and lisps, "I've never been with a man before either." Ah, this is a fantasy or dream sequence. Got it. The new girl, Colleen, gestures towards J. Sweet 'n' Lo and continues, "I've never been with her in front of a man before." J. Sweet 'n' Lo gestures back and clarifies, "I've never been with her in front of a man either." Yes, I think Colleen established that, J. Sweet 'n' Lo. As Xander gulps I snigger a little because of the silly repetition and the ridiculous scenario. Poor Xander, erotic dreaming about his young charges dopily coming onto him (with requisite girl-on-girl action). So pedestrian. So '80s teen-movie. The girls creep towards Xander, who protests unconvincingly.
As he gathers J. Sweet 'n' Lo and Colleen into his arms, the door to his bedroom pops open and swelling romantic music plays as we see that the living room is full of Junior Misses, clad only in undies and matching bras or tanks, having a full-scale pillow fight. And I was pretty much okay with this scene up until this point. After looking at the episode as a whole, with its themes of "seeing" and voyeurism, as well as fantasy and objectification, I can see what the writer was doing with the J. Sweet 'n' Lo and Colleen scene, although I don't think it helped us learn anything new about Xander. The bikini pillow-fight was just gratuitous, though. Did the writers decide to compile a final episodes wish list of things they always wanted to do on Buffy but never got the chance to? If so, who do you think contributed "bikini pillow-fight" to the list? Xander is awoken (or interrupted from his fantasizing) by Rona shouting his name. I note that he has both arms under the covers here. As he blinks and stutters, Rona tells him, "Dominique has the stomach flu and the toilet bowl is backed up." Xander tells the girls he'll be out in a minute, lamely saying he has a "leg cramp." Yeah, a third leg cramp. Yes, there's fantasy and there's reality, and a good man can separate the two. I already learned that about Xander in "Bewitched, Bothered and Bewildered."
Willow and Faith are at the hospital. Faith isn't much impressed by Shannon, who doesn't look like Slayer material to her. Willow assumes Shannon is a potential Slayer because of…what exactly? The stabbing? Huh. Anyway, Willow tells Faith they'll know more when Shannon wakes up. Faith thinks for a moment, and then says she thought she "might get a heads-up" if there were a worldwide force trying to eliminate Slayers. She chuckles, but seems seriously upset underneath as she makes a little reference to Buffy being "the true Slayer." And she should be upset -- I can't think of a good reason the Scoobies didn't warn her. Willow says they "figured" Faith would be safe in prison. No, I said a good reason, Willow. Faith quite rightly points out how stupid that sounds. And she mentions kittens, which always makes a scene gold for me. I dearly love the kittens. Willow tries to apologize…or something less useful, but Faith brushes her off, saying, "It's cool. I get by." Ouch. Faith wants to go inform Buffy about the stabbed girl; Willow, while she wants to stay at the hospital, is concerned that Buffy and Faith "alone" might not be the best thing. Why? Will it trigger more Xanderian girl-on-girl fantasy sequences? Faith reassures Willow that she and Buffy will "get along just fine." Yeah, baby. They'll get along just fine. Does anyone hear that wah-wah guitar playing?
Another girl runs. And it's a cemetery this time, kids! Gotta love consistency. Someone, who is quite obviously Spike, chases the girl and then punches her in the head. Not sure why they tried to hide him, but gave us a lengthy shot of the duster which gave it away. Whatever. Spike leans over to grab the girl, but before he can, Faith gets a hold of him and tosses him into a large grave marker. He gets up, and she punches him a few more times, but stops in curiosity as he muses, "Let me guess -- leather pants, nice right cross, doe eyes, holier-than-thou glower -- you must be Faith." Faith's all happy to be famous, and says she's met Spike before. As he tries to explain that he's not evil she kicks him in the crotch. He protests that he's on her side, and she shoots back that she's "reformed." "So have I! I reformed way before you did," is Spike's rejoinder. Uh, no. You didn't. You were still Adam's butt-monkey, Yoko-ing the Scoobies, when Faith decided to take her little time-out in prison. More fighting and protesting between Faith and Spike when Buffy enters the scene and, with a punch, drops Faith faster than FOX drops a failed sci-fi/Western series. Simpering, Buffy gloats, "Sorry, Faith! I didn't realize that was you." Sucky bitch. If that's the way she treats all the warriors who show up to help out, it's no wonder her forces have dwindled down to only Spike. Warriors for good all over the country are probably avoiding Buffy's calls and deleting her emails, muttering to themselves about letting California sink into the ocean before they'll work for an assface like that Summers girl. Oh, who am I kidding? Buffy hasn't asked anyone for help. Because she sucks. Faith caresses her jaw and gets in a dig about Buffy's ineffective punching before wondering why Buffy's protecting vampires. "Are you the bad Slayer now?" she asks. And then, excited, "Am I the good Slayer now?" Hee. "He's with me" is Buffy's (as usual) ambiguous and uninformative answer. No, please! No, please tell me that "he has a SO-oooooul now," isn't coming . I don't think I can't take it. SHIT! She said it. Grumble. So glad there are only four more episodes of this show, because I cannot STAND to hear that line again. Faith asks if Spike is "like Angel," which gets Spike's hackles up, because y'know, they might have similar taste in women, but they're nothing alike. Nothing! Buffy, her snotty arms snottily crossed, snots, "He fights on my side. Which is more than I can say for some of us." Ugh. She's awful. She has to know that Faith was helping out in L.A., right? Faith protests that Spike was chasing an innocent girl earlier, but she's mistaken, as the girl turns out to be a vampire. Faith and the vampire girl fight as Spike wracks his brains for a comeback to the Angel thing and Buffy rolls her eyes and emits bitch-rays. After Faith finishes off the vampire, Buffy says, "It's nice to have you back." If interpreting that as totally insincere is wrong, I don't want to be right.
Buffy, Faith, and Spike enter the Summers house. The very fact that Faith has thus far resisted beating Buffy silly and dumping her into an empty grave says a lot to me about Faith's personal growth. I'm not sure I would've been so restrained in her place. Dawn and Giles make with the unfriendly non-welcomes. Yeah, like you both don't suck so much these days. You should be on your knees begging Faith for personality infusions -- at least she still has one. Faith deals with the icy welcome by joking around and admiring how much Dawn has grown. Dawn shoots tiny hate-daggers with her eyes. When Giles tells Buffy that Willow will call as soon as Shannon wakes up, Buffy snits out, "Fine," and stomps off with a hair flip. Giles crinkles his brow and then wanders off, Dawn in tow, to find a place for Faith to sleep. Maybe Faith can take Anya's bed since Anya appears to have vanished for this episode. After Dawn and Giles leave, Spike informs Faith that "not all that tension was about [her]" -- Buffy's still pissy about Giles setting Spike up to die. Faith quips. We expect nothing less of her.
Somebody loves Kool-Aid! So much so that he keeps huge casks of it in his basement. That looks like Tropical Punch flavor to me...what's that? It's supposed to be wine? Oh, man! Somebody in the prop department was skimping on the red food dye. I suspected that UPN has Buffy on a tight budget, but c'mon! They couldn't spare the $2.99 for enough dye to make this "wine" look convincing? And who is our imbibing buddy with the hot-pink wine? It's Preacher Malodorous from the teaser. As if the misogyny thing weren't enough of a tip-off, now we have his penchant for Boone's Farm Strawberry Hill to tell us that this guy is evil. Could you have telegraphed it any more clearly, ME? Preacher Malodorous sips out of a plastic cup and muses on Christian theories of transubstantiation. I had enough of this in seventh grade confirmation class, I must tell you, so I'm glossing over his empty-headed babble about white wine turning into lymph. He muses about his constant questioning leading to him never staying in one "parish" for too long. Parish, huh? Did he do a lot of wandering in Louisiana? Oh, no, wait. He must be referring to a religious parish. Would that make him formerly Catholic, or, more unlikely, Anglican? I'm not familiar with which other denominations use that term. Out of my head and back on Buffy, the Reverend Malodorous seems to be talking to himself. Psycho. Oh, wait. He's talking to someone in the shadows of the wine cellar, someone who helped him to stop "looking for the Lord in the wrong damn places." Hey, sing it with me: "Sooner or later, the Lord is gonna get ya, sooner or later, Mal, the Lord is gonna win." Except not. Because this is a Joss Whedon production. So, misogyny, Boone's Farm, and the Grass Roots (or Johnny Lee, take your pick). Hazel Motes, he ain't.
First Evil Buffy stalks out of the shadows and creeps me out, because she has the Angry Arms just like Supposedly-Good Buffy had earlier in the episode with Faith. What are the Angry Arms? They're one of the two Sarah Michelle Gellar acting tics that are starting to drive me nuts. The other one is the Sad Hands (picture her cradling one hand close to her chest, like in the scene with Spike at the end of "First Date"). She does the Angry Arms and the Sad Hands all the time, and I have a hard time taking her seriously in scenes where they show up. Add the Angry Arms and Sad Hands to your Buffy drinking games! The Sad Hands usually are accompanied by the Anime Eyes, so I think they're worth a gulp. And a snigger. First Buffy wants to know if Reverend Malodorous "thinks [she's] God." He does not, being way beyond such mundane matters. First Buffy flirts that he "still wears the outfit" (referring to his preacher collar) and then pirouettes, asking if he likes what she's wearing. Reverend Malodorous gets the full episode title when he says she looks like "just another dirty girl" who must've died, but is prompted by the First to look more closely. Stepping closer, he realized that her guise exhibits "strength" and "the loneliness that comes with real strength." The First gives me the willies by referring to her/Buffy's "pert and bouncy…hairdo" (and I think that SMG's hair is all that's left on her frame that might qualify as bouncy), and Reverend Malodorous cottons that he's viewing the form of the Slayer. He reaches out to touch First Buffy's face, but his hand passes right through. Then it's time for an exposition break as Reverend Malodorous fills us in on a few details: he's never seen the First take Buffy's form before, despite having done things for the First such as blowing up the Council of Watchers, "organizing the Ray Charles brigade," and "sticking all them splits." "Them splits" being the female potential Slayers, for those falling behind on the nasty euphemisms being slipped under the radar here. Why oh why didn't I get a gig recapping a fluffy bunny show like Gilmore Girls or Smallville? The writers for those shows don't spend hours thinking up offensive misogynist slurs just obscure enough to get on the air. Sigh. Also? I'm so tired of the blathering evil. Less evil talk. More evil action! Reverend Malodorous is sure he'll be seeing Buffy soon. He plans to play on her womanly weakness of curiosity. Blah blah blah apple-Eve-cakes.
Well, it would seem Andrew is at it again. Storytelling, that is. Over a montage of clips from Faith's Buffy appearances, Andrew uses his professor voice to explain Faith to all the viewers who haven't managed to catch Buffy Season Three, Buffy Season Four, Angel Season One, Angel Season Four, or read any recaps, transcripts, or episode summaries. That's right -- a Faith montage aimed at one viewer, Helen Munce, of Battle Creek, MI, who just tuned in to Buffy four episodes ago. Everyone wave hello to Helen! She's utterly baffled by the show, but now knows two things for sure: who Faith is, and that Spike has a SO-oooooul now. She's hanging in there, though, because she started watching in hopes of seeing some kinky vampire sex and she's not giving up until there's some undead boot-knocking. Which is a roundabout way to say that this montage smacks of unnecessary exposition. I have grown utterly weary of how Buffy treats the audience like they're a bunch of five-year-olds on an extreme sugar bender. It's especially obvious in this case when you compare how Faith was reintroduced on Angel this season. On Angel: "Here's Faith -- she was evil and in jail but we need her now." That was it -- no minute-long montage needed. And who the hell is Andrew to be delivering this montage? It's not like he was there to see these things happen, and yet he has access to all the original footage. It's a flawed narrative structure. I must admit to being very amused by the end of the montage, though, which features new footage of Faith fighting a member of "the most pacifist and logical of races," a Vulcan. Yes, I found this laugh-out-loud funny. I'm not proud, but I'll take my chuckles where I can get them this season. And since Andrew made that up, it makes sense that he could provide the imagery we're seeing, whereas it didn't make sense for him to provide the imagery of the things he didn't see. Faith belts the crap out of a guy in a blue velour shirt and Spock wig as dramatic 1960s TV music plays.
Millie interrupts Andrew with, "What the hell are you talking about?" and we see Andrew in the kitchen, acting out Faith's moves on Rona. A bunch of Junior Misses are gathered around, listening to him. Andrew chuckles nervously as Millie continues, "I thought Faith killed a volcanologist." Hee! Geology humor. You'd think I'd get my fill at work. Andrew asks why Millie thinks Faith would killed a person "who studies Vulcans." Kennedy rolls her eyes. Oh, like Kennedy has any idea what a volcanologist is. Millie explains that Faith killed a professor who studied volcanoes. And that concludes the Earth science portion of today's lesson. Andrew takes moment to regroup and then tells the Junior Misses, "There are things that you need to know about. Faith has a history not to be taken lightly." That sentence has a structure not to be taken seriously. We see Faith practicing kicks in the back yard. The bushes behind her seem to be shaking a little. Hmm -- could that be where Giles and Anya are spending their time these days? Andrew continues, very solemnly, "She's a killer. Never forget that." Could he be talking about himself here? Could I care any less? Chao Ahn contributes, in subtitle-ese, "There's a girl in the backyard doing gymnastics." Andrew nods like he understands. I've thought about that line, but I just don't see where the humor enters in. Faith wasn't doing gymnastics. Oh -- Sep informs me she thought that was a shout-out to Bring It On. Still wasn't funny, though.
Sunnydale High. Wood sits at his desk, doing paperwork. Buffy clomps up to the doorway and leans against the jamb, simpering to him, "You look better." Arggh. Buffy's shirt is hanging out below her jacket -- I can't STAND that. Of all the sins she has committed, this is the worst! Wood says he'll be okay if Buffy refrains from beating him up. And she actually jokes that she considered it and made "doodles." She then says they're "on even ground," and I cannot even imagine what sort of self-control Wood must have not to get up and slam the door in her sanctimonious little bitch face. She reiterates that she doesn't "have time for [his] vendetta." As if he was going to forget that message. She does leave out the part about having her vampire minion kill him this time, though. Then she tells him she wants him on her side in the fight, and asks if they're "good." Wood agrees that they are and then tells her, "You're fired." Thank you! I cannot imagine how much of princess Buffy must be to think she could tell her boss she'd be party to his death and still show up to work her shift. Joyce left some serious holes in this girl's education, let me tell you. Buffy: "You're firing me? I just refrained from kicking your ass!" Bitch, please. Wood diplomatically refrains from reminding her what a shitty counselor she is, and doesn't even bring up her repeated threats of violence towards him. Instead, he says that "there's nothing here for [her]." He references the unseen phenomenon of many people leaving town and kids not bothering to show up for school. Excuse me, what? Why are people leaving town? Is the First doing something we haven't even heard about? Is Buffy helping these people? Why are kids not showing up for school? They closed the Seal of Danzig, so why are there still problems? And more importantly, if Sunnydale is suffering from some sort of mass panic or problem that actually BREAKS THROUGH the citizens' years of WILLFUL blindness, shouldn't we be SEEING that something? Was the budget to hire extras all used up on the Junior Misses? I'm baffled that ME thinks that throwing out a vague reference to chaos in Sunnydale every fifth episode constitutes valid storytelling. Wood and Buffy discuss the upcoming war against the First. Buffy frets about the Junior Misses dying, and Wood recommends that she "test them" in battle. Buffy changes the subject by trying to cutesy her way back into her job. Wood fires her again and reminds her, "The mission is what matters." Buffy looks crestfallen, because she's supposed to be the one with the cutting rejoinders.
And now we bring you tonight's feature: Spiking Faith, a Cinemax original movie. Sensuous, bold, and porntastic! Faith hurries down the basement stairs to escape what sounds like a herd of hamsters being tickled to death. She sits on the bottom step and lights a cigarette. She's startled when Spike speaks to her from his bed across the room. So much for Slayer sense -- good thing he wasn't trying to kill her. Faith walks across the room to give Spike a smoke, and we can see that he's lounging shirtless on his bed with a sheet covering his lower half. Spike as odalisque. The inert recipient of -- the female gaze? Not mine, but perhaps that's what they're going for here. Faith notices the chains on the wall over Spike's bed, and launches into a story about a guy she used to fuck who liked her to dress up in a schoolgirl outfit and wield a bullwhip. Faith's torso does some interesting maneuvers as she demonstrates holding the whip. Spike interrupts to tell her that the chains were from when he got "dangerous" after getting his soul. There's some serious eye contact as Faith tells Spike that him being "repent-y" takes the fun out of trying to kill him. Then we get some more torso gymnastics as she stretches an arm over her head and complains about the Junior Misses being hyped up on too much caffeine. She says she had enough female company in jail, and then Spike gets to point out what the writers for Angel were happy to imply, but the writers for Buffy of course have to make explicit (because the audience is comprised of morons): "You had the power to break to walk away at any time. Nothing to stop you." Faith points out that she stopped herself, because she got "dangerous" for awhile. As Spike asks if she's over the dangerous, Faith writhes out of her jacket and then stretches both arms over her head, with maximum chest-thrustage. I keep waiting for the bom-chicka-waa-waa music to start playing and for a clueless pizza guy to wander into the basement, but no such luck. Instead, Faith just giggles that she "pull[s] for the good guys now" and then gets waaaay porny as she leers at Spike and tells him she's thinking of looking up the bullwhip guy. Spike smiles back and tells her she can do better, as schoolgirl outfits are "old hat." Faith agrees and explains, "Every guy's got some whack fantasy." Or, in Xander's case, some utterly un-whack and banal ones. Faith can't beat the fantasies, so she joins them, making sure she stays on top. And this scene has officially gone on too long and is beginning to bore me.
Faith's breasts fill up the entire screen as she peeks upstairs and then joins Spike on the bed, telling him she's met him before. He doesn't recall until she explains that she met him while wearing Buffy's body. Faith's breasts heave up into the frame a few times during the following conversation. I guess her amazing thrusting bosom fits into this episode's themes of seeing, and objectification and fantasy, somehow. That, or the director was just jubilant to finally be filming an actress with a nice rack. Spike and Faith reiterate the "warm champagne" dialogue from "Who Are You" and I sigh, because I thought this scene might actually go somewhere other than into the Fanfiction Zone. You see, in the Fanfiction Zone, there's world enough and time to explore all kinds of "what ifs" that are in no way essential to the plot on the show. In the actual Buffy zone, there are only four more episodes, and unless they are planning on pairing up Spike and Faith (which I really doubt), it's a crime to waste precious minutes on clearing up a three-year-old non-issue. I was vaguely interested in Faith and Spike comparing notes on reforming, because that's important now, but this stuff is immaterial. Especially when I don't know how Giles feels about his rift with Buffy or about his calling being blown to tiny pieces, or how Willow is progressing on dealing with her magic and whether she feels she can step up in the final conflict, or how she's progressing with her guilt over killing Warren, or if she feels she's making amends, or how Faith and Xander would be around each other, or how Buffy feels about finding out there are so very many Slayers-in-Waiting, or if she's aware of how cold and cruel she's becoming. Well, at least Spike and Faith are sexy together, and I don't hate Spike at all in this scene. That's something. I guess.
As Faith and Spike joke about Buffy's uptightness, the uptight bitch herself enters the basement. The Angry Arms! The Angry Arms! Buffy says it's "nice" to see Spike and Faith getting along, but of course doesn't mean a word of it. Spike looks guilty and shifts away from Faith a little. Oh, Jesus, man. Too bad you didn't get your balls back as a gift-with-purchase from the soul-granting demon. Spike asks why Buffy isn't at work, and she lies, saying she cut back on her hours. "Figured I'd be better off focusing on what's going on around here." Dawn calls down the stairs, saying the hospitalized girl has woken up.
At the hospital, Shannon gives Buffy and Willow information on Father Malicious and how he picked her up as Bringers were chasing her. How does Shannon know they were called Bringers? Because she's a poor little exposition device with no real backstory. She lifts her bandage to show the burn from Father Malicious's ring. The burn doesn't really look like anything I can make out, but I wonder if it will be important later on, because Buffy steps aside so Willow can take a picture of the burn with her digital camera. Hey, that could be Willow's spin-off! C.S.I. Sunnydale, with sexy Wicca Willow leading her team of forensic investigators in unraveling Sunnydale's more mysterious murders. Shannon passes on Father Malicious's message: "I have something of yours."
At the Summers home, Buffy addresses a large assembled group, telling them about the "new player in town." She notes that Father Malathion is "taunting" them and "calling [them] out." Calling them out? Is this the Sunnydale version of Red Rover? First Evil, First Evil, send Buffy on over. Buffy continues that she's tired of inaction and waiting. "He's got something of mine? Fine. I'm getting it back. And you guys are coming with me."
Father Malathion's wine cellar. A pretty blond girl walks around looking for something. Father Malathion steps from the shadows, and they share a little chit-chat about how she heard him preaching earlier and came to look for him. He tells her, "The truth is like a sword, isn't it, girl? It cuts deep," and explains that the words he uses have deep power. He feels that the human race is full of weakness and therefore seeks strength and power. He circles the girl menacingly and then steps into the shadows. The girl follows him and drops to the ground dead, her stomach a bloody wound. Father Malathion looks upon her, holding his bloodless knife close to his face. The dead girl morphs into First Buffy, who gives a little "job well done" sigh and jumps to her feet perkily. This scene is actually much more creepy upon second viewing, when I know that the blonde girl is the First wearing a pretty face so that Malathion can play snuff games. On first viewing, I thought, "Ah, yet another victim," but the dynamic of the oldest source of evil in the world taking the time to play distressing murder games to please its minion is much more fascinating. "Do it again!" enthuses Father Malathion, and First Buffy asks him for requests. The First Evil takes requests? See, that's twisted. Although I can't help feeling the First would have a great second job as entertainment at children's birthday parties. "Do a clown!" "No, do Spiderman!" "Nuh uh, Boba Fett!" It could be a really fun time, if those clumsy Bringers didn't tip over the prezzie table and step on the cake. Father Malathion wants to see a choir girl from his past. Before the First complies, it points out that all the girls Malathion killed "followed [him] willingly." He notes that that's what girls do best.
Casa Summers. Smaller war council in one of the bedrooms. Buffy wants the Junior Misses armed. She and Faith will go on reconnaissance. Giles asks Buffy if she's sure she should take action against Preacher Malarkey, adding that they can't be sure the Preacher has anything of Buffy's at all. Buffy says, "It could be a girl! A potential trying to get to us," and Giles totally cracks me up by snotting back, "It could be a stapler." Well, a good stapler is hard to find. You need to hold onto it pretty tight to keep your coworkers from…oh, sorry. This isn't about me, is it? Just that little office-supply obsession of mine. Anyway, now I'm wondering if Buffy will show up at Preacher Malarkey's vineyard and be all, "I believe you have my stapler?" Giles point out that most of the Junior Misses haven't even been in the field, and I'm left wondering why the hell not if things are so bad in Sunnydale that the unseen citizens are leaving in droves. Buffy decides to take the Misses who have been around the longest, because they're the girls with the most experience. And because they're the ones getting on her nerves the most. Willow and Spike point out that this could be a trap, so Buffy instructs Willow to stay behind to protect the girls who aren't going. "You're my most powerful weapon," Buffy tells Willow. Either that's different than being her most powerful warrior, or she's just passing out "most powerful" ribbons to all her minions these days. Xander again points out that this sounds like a trap, and Buffy gets all out-of-proportion agitated and practically shouts that they have to move fast because Preacher Malarkey won't be expecting them to do anything yet. Buffy, think. He sent you a message specifically designed to make you come to him. How could he not be prepared for your arrival? Giles snots that they need more time to prepare. It's always so sad seeing your ex-boyfriends after the break-up, isn't it? And you look at them and wonder if they really have changed, or were always jerks and you couldn't see it. Oh, and Giles? Stop calling, man -- it's over between us. One stapler joke isn't enough to make up for your behavior in Episodes Ten through, well, this one. Buffy won't consider a delay, and tells Giles to stay behind and "help the girls who still need a teacher." Meow! Saucer of milk for the Slayer, please. Giles looks at her like he really can't believe she just fucking said that to him.
Nighttime. A Bringer zips along through the woods. Faith and Angry Arms Buffy follow him at a distance. Faith wonders how the Bringers navigate without eyes, and wants to know if the they just "roam free around town." Why, yes, they do. They're free-range Bringers. Organically grown right here in Sunnydale. Buffy again gets all defensive about whether she's walking into a trap, but Faith says she supports her in taking direct action. Well, of course she does; she hasn't changed that much. Buffy doesn't relinquish her Angry Arms or her lemon-sucking face as Faith commiserates with her about trying to turn the Junior Misses into an army. Faith is chatting happily about helping to train the girls when Buffy turns to her and snaps, "Why did you come back?" Uh, to help you, Little Miss Ingrate? I'm sorry that Faith's presence is threatening your Spike-is-my-strongest-warrior shtick ["or, more accurately, your status as the Slayer Spike's most attracted to, Bony Maroney" -- Sars], but perhaps you could put that aside in favor of, I dunno, saving the world? Faith says she came because Willow said they needed help. She then starts to get angry, but takes a deep breath and asks if Buffy would rather she leave town. Buffy's all, "That's not what I meant," and thanks Faith for being there, but doesn't explain what she did mean by being so snappity.
They continue walking, and Buffy keeps her Angry Arms firmly locked into position as she asks about Faith helping Angel. Faith tells Buffy that Angel said hello, and then explains about her trying times inside Angel's head. Well, at least there's a lot of room to stretch your legs in there. Before Buffy can get her snot on about Faith spending time with her other vampire ex-boyfriend, they come upon a building in the woods. "What is this place?" asks Faith, and I giggle, "It's the farm for the free-range Bringers, obviously." Locally grown, like I told you. A few Bringers enter the building. Faith and Buffy leave to fetch the troops. That's all the recon they're going to do? No peeping in the windows or looking for floor plans? No trying to have Willow cast a spell that allows her to view the inside of the building or sense booby-traps? I don't necessarily disagree with Buffy's decision to take action (mostly because I'm so very sick of watching them sit around in the living room) but she really, really should've been better prepared. Any plan that allowed her to fight on familiar ground, rather than strange, would've been a good start.
Aw, Xander's speech. This is rough. Also, the foreshadowing is painful. Xander is in the living room passing out weapons to Rona, Molly, and the other girls as he reviews of different attack methods depending on their assailant. He mentions striking the chest and throat for vampires, and the stomach, chest, and face for Bringers. Rona asks about other supernatural attackers, and Xander recommends, "Go for the center. Brain, heart, eyes. Everything's got eyes." I would make an anvil joke here, but I'm just too sad. Then there's some Godzilla fan-boy jokes involving Andrew and Xander, but I don't have the patience. As they quibble, Rona sourly interjects, "You people are even crazier than her!" She means Buffy, of course, taking all of them "right into the bad guy's lair." Rona and her bad attitude are kind of refreshing. Xander reminds her that you generally find the bad guys in their lairs, and that she didn't come to Sunnydale "to help fight plaque." Rona quite rightly points out that she came for protection, and says Buffy "doesn't care how many of [them] she puts in danger." This causes Xander to get into speechifyin' mode. He tells the room that he's seen Buffy "stop everything that's ever come up against her." He reminds them that Buffy has died twice to protect "the people around her" and yet is still standing. Around this point, Buffy and Faith enter through the front door, and on a sound studio far, far away from other actors, Buffy's eyes vaguely try to glisten as she listens to Xander say, "I've seen her heart, and this time not literally, and I'm telling you that she cares more about your lives than you'll ever know. You gotta trust her. She's earned it." Andrew sheds a single tear. I roll both eyes and wonder why Xander is still living in Season Four. Faith punctures the mood by turning to Buffy and teasing, "Damn! I never knew you were that cool." Buffy teases back, "Well, you always were a little slow." And she's not doing the Angry Arms, so she's a bit more likeable. Buffy tells everyone to "saddle up."
The group of warriors approaches The Free-Range Bringer Farm and Sunnydale Winery complex. They don't seem to have run into a single guard or sentry outside. Wouldn't that seem to indicate a…trap? Especially since Buffy and Faith saw Bringers wandering around outside earlier? Buffy breaks the gang into two teams -- one will stay outside, secure the perimeter, and come to the aid of the other team should they need it. The signal for help will be "lots and lots of yelling." Wow, that's a lame signal. Wouldn't a nice walkie-talkie be better? Or telepathic Willow, perhaps? Buffy, Spike, Molly, Kennedy, and some random Junior Misses end up walking down into the wine cellar. Kennedy suggests they've found an "evil vineyard." "Like Falcon Crest," muses Spike, whom I still don't hate. This episode. They wander among the casks, looking for Bringers, and are of course attacked forthwith. Hmm, I just had a thought. Buffy should've simply burned the building down as soon as she found it. Kill some Bringers and possibly kill their leader, and destroy their headquarters. What's not to love about that plan? Plus, she could've used a flamethrower, and I am firmly of the opinion that this show features far too few flamethrowers.
Anyway, Buffy and her little warriors fight Bringers. The wine cellar set is dark and kinda confusing, so I'm not sure of the details, but it looks like the Junior Misses are doing okay defensively, but not scoring many kills. Then the Bringers retreat and Preacher Maleficent strides in, hands clasped behind his back. I'm afraid we're in for a good talkin' to. Maleficent begins, "You girls are just burning with righteousness, aren't you?" Oh, that's just Buffy. The light of her righteousness could replace the sun. The rest of them, not so much. Padre Maleficent stalks up to Buffy, who tells him to save the sermon. "I heard you have something of mine," she tells him, and he just grins and gestures at the Junior Misses, saying, "I do now!" Oops! As Padre Maladjusted blathers about Shannon dirtying up his truck with her blood, Buffy's face crumples as she realizes that she has indeed led her troops into a trap. And for nothing. Ouch. Padre Maladjusted is excited to be in front the THE Slayer and her "notion of goodness." He notes that THE Slayer must be very powerful, and then punches her so hard in the face that she flies across the room and smashes into the ground and then the wall. Interesting stunt work there, since she flies sideways. I can't believe that Buffy just stood there for that, and that Spike let her. I'm also curious as to how Padre Maladjusted got so damn strong. With a devilish grin, the Padre asks, "So, what else you got?" I'm thinking that right about now is when those walkie-talkies would come in handy.
Spike vamps out and attacks Father Malefic, but gets a head-butt and tossed right though a huge wine cask for his troubles. A torrent of delicious wine-cooler-type beverage spills across the cellar floor. Father Malefic and his boys set to work on the Junior Misses. Kennedy gets knocked down, and Rona gets her arm snapped by Father Mal. A Bringer is about to stab her when he's stopped by an arrow through his wrist. It's Faith and Xander with the rest of the "back-up." More fighting. Faith comes at Father Mal with a knife in each hand, but he disarms her, while describing her as "the Cain to [Buffy's] Abel." Xander fights his way over to check on Buffy, still passed out in a corner. Damn, Father Mal is a talky villain. He tells Faith (as he kicks her ass) that he finds the Bible too complicated. His personal religious theories boil down to: "Good folk, bad folk. Clean folk, dirty folk." He snaps the neck of a Junior Miss we don't know. When Molly notices and cries out, "No!" he simply responds, "Yes," and advances on her. Xander has managed to rouse Buffy, who tells him to organize a retreat. I hope they left some troops guarding the stairs. Girls fight all over the cellar and aren't doing so well as Father Mal grabs Molly by the throat and sticks her in the gut. He seems to enjoy this all very much, and isn't a bit threatened by Buffy and her forces. Buffy sees Molly die and runs over to fight the Father. She manages to lay some good punches on him; however, Spike grabs her arm and drags her away because the rest are leaving. Xander helps Kennedy up and is shouting for the rest to retreat when he's grabbed by Father Malevolence. Oh, man. Here it comes. Father Malevolence identifies Xander as the one who "sees everything," and raises his hand. Xander trembles in fear -- it's very affecting physical acting. SMG should take lessons. And then Father Mal says, "Let's see what we can't do about that," and drives his thumb right into Xander left eye. And then there's a horrible mashing noise and blood streaming down Xander's cheek and poor Xander screaming. Spike notices and punches Father Malevolence away; Buffy runs to Xander, and she and Spike help him out of the basement. Why couldn't it have been Buffy who lost an eye? It might be the only way to cut down on her endless navel-gazing. Father Malevolence smiles in satisfaction.
Sunnydale. Night. Father Malevolence voice-over. He sure got a lot of monologues in this episode. He's going to tell us a little story, one with a happy ending. We see Buffy at the hospital. There are many beds containing her wounded troops. She walks past Rona, her arm in a cast; Rona shoots a side-eye at Buffy. Buffy stops to stare at Xander. Willow sits to him and holds his hand. I certainly hope that from here on out, everyone around Xander remembers to refrain from using the phrase "better than a poke in the eye with a sharp stick." Father Malevolence says his story is about a dirty woman, who could be nothing else but dirty because she was human. We see Buffy walking through the Summers living room. Random girls, and Dawn, stare at her silently, and she continues on. Buffy has the Not-So-Angry Arms of Miserable Defeat as she walks down an empty street. Father Malevolence: "She was filled with darkness and despair. And why? Because she did not know. She could not see. " Father Malevolence is in the cellar with his role-playing buddy, First Evil Buffy. He continues, "She didn't know the good news. The glory that was coming. That'd be you." The First smiles smugly. And the voice-over continues: "For the kingdom, the power and the glory are yours. Now and forever. You show up, they'll get in line. Because they followed her and now all they have to do is take one more step." And then he'll kill them all. That's the happy ending. Sad Buffy walks alone. Happy Easter, guys!