Previously on Buffy: Buffy told a chained-up Spike she believed in him, which seems like a bit of a mixed message; The First sent its X-eyed monks to kidnap Spike; Willow sniffed some bad magic, as addicts do; Giles returned to Sunnydale with a gang of girls snagged from the "attractive teen female" pen at Central Casting. Buffy took a bad beating from Notsferatu, which prompted her to tell the Junior Misses that they "just became an army." As we will see later in the episode, it is an army of dumb.
Passengers disembark a bus at the Sunnydale bus depot, along with yet another Junior Miss Slayer. This one has a whole urban-pastoral look going with her dreadlocks and overalls. Maybe she's representing New Jersey? ["Dude, leave us out of this." -- Sars] Anyway, she goes to use a pay phone, and really, this is the moment I've been waiting for all season -- someone reads a phone book. She's quickly startled by the silent approach of one of the Harbingers, with his robes and scarred eye holes. I dunno -- seems an awful lot like your average Greyhound customer, up to and including the knife in his fist. Miss New Jersey spins away in panic, only to find her way between two buses blocked by more Harbingers. As she slumps to the ground in fear, two of the Harbingers are tossed aside by Buffy who, with a quip, manages to eliminate all three baddies with their own knives. She then approaches Miss New Jersey, and addressing her as "Rona," gives her a hand up. "You're her!" exclaims Rona, and then, still frightened, explains, "You know, I thought, uh, I'd be safe here." Buffy, not so reassuringly, tells Rona she'll be "safer" around the Slayer. She continues, "time you're attacked…" and Rona interrupts in protest, "You sayin' I'm going to get attacked again?" I get the feeling Rona is new to the game. As they walk off between the buses, Buffy replies, "Welcome to the Hellmouth." Not much of an explanation for someone who has no idea what you're talking about, Buffy.
The camera pans across a miscellany of tribal objects to indicate that this is Willow's room, I suppose. Willow wriggles about uncomfortably in a flannel-lined sleeping bag on the floor as Kennedy, on Willow's bed, invites her up. Not in a lascivious way, but certainly in a pointed way. Get some boundaries, Kennedy. That sort of forced intimacy turns off the saner people you might meet. I admit that I was a little put off by the possible age difference between these two, but then I happened to read in the shooting script that Kennedy is nineteen. So there you have it. Those of you who bemoan the lack of research on this show should realize that there is research, but its focus has just shifted. Now, it's the audience who is expected to put in a little extra time to figure out things like Kennedy's age or what Spike's motivation was in going to Africa. Shame on you for not knowing that! So. It's okay for Willow to diddle her. Still not okay for me to watch. Willow stutters and hand-gestures that no, she'd rather stay on the nice "firm" floor. Then she claims to be worrying because Buffy is out fetching a new pageant contestant, and expositions about Giles getting in contact with the British coven to locate more endangered girls. Kennedy cutesys some dialogue about the bathrooms in the Summers home getting too crowded and then keeps talking, giving Willow and the audience some back story that none of us are interested in hearing. Shut up, Kennedy. Just shut your privileged cakehole. Kennedy's story is that she's a rich almost-only child, raised in a large house with multiple wings. There was a summer home in the Hamptons too, with only one wing. What is this, the Lizzie Grubman story? Or maybe Kennedy is, y'know, one of those Kennedys.
Kennedy asks Willow about her witchcraft and then morons, "So, show me a trick." She's not a trained pony, Kennedy, no matter how much you want to ride her. Geez, I've always hated the Missouri approach to making acquaintances. "You speak German? Well, say something in German!" Gets tiresome, you know, although it is a good opportunity to insult someone to her face and then claim that you said, "That's a lovely blouse you're wearing." Willow's not so keen on the idea of pulling a rabbit out of a hat for Kennedy since, considering Willow's track record, it might then grow to a monstrous size, go evil, and destroy the world, so she demurs. I really tried to devise a joke here that fit Kennedy's request in to the "magic equals drug addiction" Martiphor from last season, but the cumulative illogic made my typing fingers freeze up in protest. Or are we returning to the "magic equals lesbian sex" metaphor from Season Four? Because in that case, Kennedy just asked Willow to masturbate in front of her or something. Willow suggests they get some sleep, and in a classic set-up for the ME-beloved ironic segue, Kennedy says that if she wanted to sleep, she'd be "downstairs with the other girls."
Downstairs, the other girls are of course jabbering their fool heads off in the living room. Molly is explaining to three new girls about how Annabelle panicked and ran off to be killed. Molly's terrible, garbled accent led Ace to guess that she was Australian last episode, but I think she's actually doing some sort of bastardized Cockney thing that would make even Dick Van Dyke say, "Dude, that accent sucks." So Molly's all, "Poor Annie," which causes one of the new girls, Junior Miss South-of-the-Mason-Dixon-Line, to sneer, "Great. So the Slayer who's supposed to protect us let her get killed?" I hate Junior Miss South instantly upon seeing her face. I'm shallow that way. Something about the way her forehead slopes downwards into a pug nose and totally accentuates the fact that she has tiny mouth that can barely contain her enormous, protruding buck-teeth. Her face reminds me of the moment in a horror film right when someone begins to morph into a werewolf -- all snouty with thrusting teeth. Molly defends Buffy, and Choppy, Dark-Haired New Girl reminds the others that Buffy can't do much against Notsferatu. Choppy, Dark-Haired Girl has a generic American accent, which is mercy on my ears but makes it harder to think up a nickname for her. I'll call her Miss Cincinnati, for kicks. The third new girl, a wan American redhead, says that when she arrived at the house, Buffy "still looked like a big bruise." I'm calling her Miss Minnesota, because she wears a hat later in the episode. No, there's no real logic there. I just like the alliteration. Miss South manages to stretch her lips over her giant teeth enough to drawl an inquiry about what could be holding Buffy up. Worried looks all around.
Then poor Xander interrupts from the couch nearby, asking the Junior Misses to zip it so he can get at least ninety minutes of sleep. From across the room, where he's tied to a chair facing the wall, Andrew backs Xander up and then bitches, "I'm bored. Episode One bored." But thankfully, before we have to hear any enlightening musing on how cool Yoda's light saber battle with Count Dooku was, Buffy arrives home with Rona. She introduces Rona to everyone, and Rona, with a sharp eye for the extra-unusual, wants to know why Andrew is tied to a chair. Xander wants to know why Andrew isn't gagged. You and me both, honey. Then Anya and Giles amble in from the kitchen, where they've been making out on the breakfast bar. What? It could be true -- Anya looks guilty and she's carrying a sleeping bag. They obviously weren't sleeping in the kitchen, after all. Buffy, Xander, and Giles discuss the fact that The First knew Rona was arriving in town. Buffy demands that Giles tell her how to "hurt" The First "real bad." Giles hasn't been able to come up with any good information, but does mention that the materials he saved from the Council of Watchers might be useful. Well, shouldn't someone be reading them, in that case? I know these guys don't want to do research that isn't of the simple internet-search-engine variety anymore, but I think that under the circumstances they could bestir themselves to actually read a book or two. Anya chimes in that she checked with the Sunnydale "demon community," but apparently all the demons that "didn't attack" her just didn't know anything, so she's empty-handed. They discuss whether they can come up with a method to kill Notsie, and we get a strange close-up of Andrew listening. Then he says, in an amused, speculative tone, "So Giles, with that thing guarding the entrance to the First's crypt, how will Buffy get to Spike?" Giles looks as baffled as I feel by the delivery of that line. Andrew directly addressing Giles in such a confident tone is bizarre. Oh, wait! Is this more of the "is Giles dead or isn't he" game they're trying to play with us? Eh, whatever. I've decided not to participate. As our dear President reminds us, they say in Tennessee, "Fool me once, shame on -- shame on you. Fool me -- you can't get fooled again." And man oh man, this scene is going on way too long.
Miss South snouts her confusion as to why Buffy wants to help a vampire that's been killing people, and Buffy replies, "Well, he makes the best enchilada pie in California and nobody else in this gang can cook worth a damn!" No, she doesn't, because that's slightly plausible. Instead, she stutters lamely, "It's complicated, Chloe." But oops, Miss South is actually Eve; Miss Cincinnati is Chloe. So now we have names for all of the Junior Misses except the wan redhead. She doesn't look worth the effort of a name, frankly. Eve's giant scary teeth want to know if there's a plan to keep the Junior Misses from dying. No. There's no plan. Duh. Over Anya's protests, though, Giles says that they could still try "Beljoxa's Eye." "I told you no," snaps Anya. Ooooh, lovers' quarrel. She's so been whispering secrets to him during snuggly-time in the kitchen. And could this scene please be over soon? Buffy wants an explanation of what she calls "Botox's Eye," and I wish she would stop stealing my jokes already. B-Boy Eye, according to Giles, is "an oracle-type creature that exists in a dark dimension" and can only be accessed by demons. Anya snips that she's an ex-demon, and Giles reminds her that she still has some "murderous acquaintances" among Sunnydale's demons and isn't this just the cutest little lovers' quarrel? Anya protests that Botox's Eye might not have answers, but Buffy asks her to give it a shot anyway.
Yay! New scene! Oh, boo. Spike scene. Spike's chained to a wall in the First's cave, looking a little worse for wear. One of the Harbingers nearby walks over to him and swings its knife at his guts. Spike kicks out and then manages to get his legs around the Harbinger's neck, snapping it and flipping the Harbinger up into the air in a cool way I didn't notice upon first viewing. Spike then somehow breaks his arms free and defeats the other Harbinger. He runs down a corridor in the cave and encounters Buffy, smiling sweetly. He smiles back. But oops, it was all a dream. Spike's still chained up in the cave, and The First taunts him, wearing Buffy's form. First Buffy tells him that Buffy doesn't believe in him enough to face "that," and gestures to Notsie, who swans out to take a bow and then wheels away. Well, practically anyway. Damn tiny, non-threatening Notsie. Pouty First Buffy tells Spike to let go of Buffy, but then pauses because it notices that Spike is whispering, over and over, "She will come for me." "No. I won't," snots First Buffy. You know, I was just saying to myself the other day, "Self, you don't read enough sappy, cloying romance novels anymore," and along comes ME to fill that gap in my life. That's a lie. I wasn't saying that at all. This Spike/Buffy plot is just a Bizarro World version of the tale of the nearly-ravished wench held fast in the pirate's cave, waiting for the handsome, louche young marquis to come save her maidenly virtue in the nick of time. Oh, the pirate king taunts her that the Marquis cares not, but she has faith in the power of her lurve. So, hey, I just discovered I'd rather be reading Georgette Heyer than watching this crap.
Anya and Giles are talking to a tall demon with a killer mullet who's emptying a trash can in an alley. Torg refuses to help Anya out, because three lifetimes ago (when she was Anyanka) she broke his heart. Anya protests that he doesn't even have a heart, but Torg insists that the "night [they] spent together was important to [him]." Giles, the new boyfriend, attempts to look patient. Anya dismisses the night with Torg as a drunken mistake, and he reminisces, "I remember. You wore pink." Anya snaps back, "Those were entrails." Hee. Giles is uncomfortable with this conversation, though, and asks if it would be possible to skip the nostalgia. Aw, he's cute when he's jealous. He's not going to be spared, though. Anya tells Torg that if he opens the portal to Botox's Eye, she'll "have sex with [him] again." Giles gives Torg a very funny, "And?" look, but Torg is disgusted at Anya's current human status. "I wouldn't touch you now for all the kittens in Korea," he protests. Hee. Kittens. Anya is crushed, and addresses Giles: "What am I? A leper in this town? I can't even give it away." Giles shrugs nonchalantly. Torg tells Anya, "Come back when you are a leper," and prepares to leave, but Giles stops him with a threat that if he doesn't help, Buffy will kill his customers and burn his business to the ground. Anya gives Torg a "take that!" look. Torg drops his trash can and appears to threaten Giles with his spiky fist. Actually, he's just preparing to open the portal to the Eye of Botox. A brief chant later, Giles and Anya have their gateway. As they head towards it, Anya fusses that her hair must the problem. They enter the gateway and end up in a totally dark, windy void. It's completely black, but Giles and Anya are still somehow lit with a bright spot. That's the magic of Hollywood, kids. They stumble forward and encounter -- well, maybe it looked good on paper? Because on-screen, this thing is jaw-droppingly cheesy. It's a mass of eyeballs and flesh, contained in a cage that's anchored to the, uh, void by three long chains. It looks like nothing so much as some sort of crazy demon tetherball game.
Back at the Summers place, Willow answers the phone. It's the British coven on the other end with a message. In light of subsequent events, couldn't they have contacted Willow telepathically and saved their cell phone minutes? Buffy and Xander untie Andrew, because he's stinky and they don't have time to "baby-sit" him. I don't get that. Everything I remember from my babysitting days taught me that the little tykes are much easier to manage when they're tied up. Plus they look so cute when they fall asleep with the ropes half-gnawed away. Since "pouting" seems to be the theme of this episode (alongside "whining"), Andrew pouts at the implication that he might be a little whiffy. Buffy actually manages to communicate with Andrew by implying that if he's at all naughty, she'll reenact scenes from Misery on his legs. Andrew swallows nervously and promises to be "good." La la la exposition. Willow coughs up a particularly large chunk, telling Buffy and Xander that a Junior Miss is holed up in town at the Sunspot Motel, but the Coven only just found out because her Watcher was killed before he could notify anyone of their arrival. Buffy and Xander leave to fetch the Motel Miss. Then Dawn comes into the room, and Willow tells her that a new Miss has arrived, and it's good because they "need all the help" they can get. Dawn steps all over my lines by saying that the Junior Misses hardly count as help at all.
All right. It's Pouting, Whining & Training Hour in the Summers basement. Miss Minnesota has donned her striped hat from the Gap and is doing stretches. Molly is flipping stakes; she misses one and exclaims, "Cor blimey! Lor' luv a duck!" Kennedy holds a punching bag for Chloe while Rona lounges nearby, brooding. Last, and most annoying, Eve snorts and snouts, "What are we all doing here!?" Kennedy explains that they're training and asks, "Didn't your Watcher ever teach you the word?" Rona is all, "I never had a Watcher." She goes on to explain that she was entirely ignorant of the whole Slayer gig until the Harbingers showed up on her doorstep with a pageant registration card and their sharp knives. Well, that's good, I guess. I was afraid that as the only black proto-slayer with a vaguely "urban" accent, wearing baggy overalls (the Buffyverse equivalent of sackcloth and ashes) was going to be played as "my momma was so poor we didn't have no Watcher." As it turns out, she's having some problems getting used to the supernatural subculture she's just entered. Eve argues with the group that they have no knowledge of vampires, and that any training they might do will be totally in vain. Because they all suck. Well, that's just my opinion. Eve just thinks they're all unprepared to become the Slayer. Kennedy, who seems to be the only one trained from a young age, counters that she feels pretty prepared, actually. I wonder if Buffy should watch her back? This whole conversation is a chore to recap, because it's a lot of dialogue that doesn't tell the viewer anything new, doesn't feature any characters I remotely care about, and doesn't move the plot forward in any way. Basically, Eve, her "Southern" accent more disheveled than Courtney Love's blouse after an all-night coke bender, keeps yammering about how the Slayer will die, one of them will be called, and they won't be prepared. Poor Miss Minnesota, who still doesn't have a name, pipes up that she heard there's actually a second Slayer, and the Misses agree that that doesn't make any sense. I know -- that's why it's in the FAQ. Eve, her giant front teeth still seeking escape from her mouth, tells the Misses, "[The bad guys]'ll just run through each one of us, one after the other. Kinda creepy, huh? All we do is wait around for each other to die." Lawd a'mighty!
The Sunspot Motel. Sharp-eyed posters on the boards have noticed that this is Faith's motel from Season Three. We don't see Xander pausing to celebrate his de-virginization or anything, though. Buffy knocks on the door, but Xander, peeping in through the window (he seems like the type to have a lot of experience in that line), tells her to kick the door down. There's a female body facedown on the floor. Buffy feels the body's neck and says the girl has been dead for days. I was going to make a joke about the crappy maid service at the hotel, but then I rewound the tape and noticed that there did seem to be a Do Not Disturb sign on the room door. Damn research spoils all my fun. I can see why the Scoobies don't do it anymore. Buffy turns the body over, and it's (gasp!) Eve. My first thought upon seeing this was, "Fuckin' all right! I'm sure we won't see her beyond the end of this episode." And if that makes me evil, well, bring it on. Hey, where's the body of her Watcher, anyway? Buffy and Xander share some serious "uh oh!" looks.
All the Junior Misses sit in a circle in the basement, getting their mope on. The camera pans over to Miss Eve-il, who ominously says, "Just my personal opinion, but I don't think the Slayer can protect us from the First." The episode doesn't give an indication of how long Eve has been at the Summers', but are we seriously supposed to believe that it wouldn't have become apparent she was incorporeal? "Hey, pass the salt, Eve." "Uh, Kennedy's closer. She wants to do it, don't you, Kennedy?" "Hey, roll out this sleeping bag, Eve." "Yeah, I would but, uh, sleeping bags give me eczema. Maybe Chloe can do it?" "Sure you won't have anything to eat, Eve?" "Oh, uh, I did. Yeah, I totally ate, um, a really big meal right before I got here." Well, whatever. If the Scoobies don't institute some sort of handshake policy after this, they're even bigger morons than I already think they are.
Dawn and Andrew (post-shower, I hope) are hangin' in the living room. Looks like Andrew found some hair gel that Angel or Spike left behind. Andrew is curious as to why Slayers are always girls, and then does a little routine about a male Slayer facing ninjas. Dawn gets mad and tells Andrew that he should shut up (go Dawn) and stop pretending that anyone in the house is his friend (go Dawn, again). This has no effect on Andrew, who just wants to know why Buffy wants so much to save Spike, since Spike is an even bigger murderer than he is. I dunno, Andrew. You saw the feed from the Magic Box that time, why do you think Buffy wants to save Spike? Also, should Dawn be talking to Andrew about anything at all? The gang has no proof that The First isn't still secretly appearing to him as Warren, or that he doesn't have some sort of sleeper programming himself. Dawn defends retrieving Spike by saying that he was under the control of The First at the time, and now he has a soul and they need his warrior-fighting-cakes. Andrew wants to help out too, but Dawn just tells him that Buffy said if he talks too much, Dawn can kill him. "License to kill, huh?" muses Andrew. "Pretty cool." Dawn's totally disgusted, which causes Andrew to flounce, "I'm so alone!" "Well, maybe you shouldn't have killed your only friend," points out Dawn. I can't believe I'm enjoying her so much in this scene. Dawn walks out, and Andrew sulks, because that's one of the themes of this episode, if you recall.
Okay, at this point, I totally expected Willow to get another call -- this time from Buffy, telling her to isolate Eve -- but no. The Scoobies are such morons that Buffy ran all the way home to do it herself. The First is incorporeal. It couldn't hurt Willow if she confronted it any more than it could hurt Buffy. The worst it could do would be to stand there with a finger millimeters away from Willow's face and taunt, "I'm not tou-ching you!" Sigh. Anyway, Buffy slams into the house and rushes to the basement. Willow, Dawn, and Andrew run after her. Where's Xander? A frequent refrain this season, I know, but particularly apt right now. "Get away from them!" commands Buffy in the basement, which understandably confuses all the (relatively) non-evil Junior Misses. First Eve-il sasses her a little, and Dawn inquires, "Buffy, what did Eve do?" Suddenly, Xander's there, even though he totally didn't come in the front door with Buffy. He explains, "That's not Eve!" All the Junior Misses stand up, and First Eve-il drawls, "Thanks for the slumber party, girls. It's been real fun these past couple of nights." So she was there for a couple of days -- without eating or touching anything or anyone? That's just stupid. Buffy tells Eve-il to leave, but Eve-il takes her own sweet time, saying she'll be sending a "guest" to rip everyone to pieces after the sun goes down. Then she finally blips out.
Cut back to the demon dimension -- I mean, "a soundstage somewhere in L.A." The Eye of Botox is explaining that The First Evil cannot be fought or killed and will endure longer than the universe itself. What a fun, upbeat guy. I'm thinking that he got sentenced to spend an eternity in a windy, dark dimension where nobody could hear his ramblings because he was such a drag at parties. Giles, all windblown hair, screams, "I refuse to believe that!" Well, it's good to see Giles believing in something after that awful Roboto Giles from the last episode. "What am I, talkin' to myself here? There's no way!" snarks the Eye of Botox. Anya seems to take this answer at face value and begins to pull Giles away. Based on Anya's apprehension and Giles's description of this as a "dark dimension," I was thinking that this place might in some way be scary. But no. All Giles meant is that someone forgot to pay the power bill. Words have no power to suggest anything beyond their meaning now. "Dark" means nothing but "lack of light. And incredibly windy for no good reason." Giles is not so easily deterred, though, and stops Anya with a gesture. He asks if The First will find success in its quest to eliminate the line of the chosen ones. But "the eye sees not the future. Only the truth of the now and before." "We've all got that," grouses Anya. "It's called memory!" Hee. Anya is one of the few bright spots in this show for me. Giles wants to know why The First is just now getting around to making its move. Well. Who among us has not known the evils of procrastination? Maybe The First is just the worst procrastinator in the world. "The opportunity has only recently presented itself," replies the Eye of Botox, carrying on the time-honored tradition of mystical oracles everywhere by giving JUST enough information to technically answer the question, but without providing any insight at all. Giles is smarter than that, though, and questions the oracle further; he gets a spiel about how "the mystical forces surrounding the chosen line have become irrevocably altered. Become unstable. Vulnerable." Giles, understandably, wants to know what is responsible for this vulnerability. "The Slayer," ominously replies the Eye of Botox.
Remember how The Muppet Show ruled so much that you probably would have stepped over your dead brother to watch it, so you were understandably excited about the cartoon Muppet Babies, but then you watched it, and even at age nine you knew that it blew goats? Yeah. That's how I feel about Buffy now that we've got all of these Slayer Babies lounging around and whining all the time. If they continue to arrive, I hope the new ones can't speak English. It's almost as if they're throwing them against the wall to see who sticks and can therefore be tapped for any potential spin-off. Blech. The only place I'm interested in seeing this show spin off to is the fiery depths of hell. So. Over at The Proto-Slayer Preschool For Whiners And Grousers, there's a roundtable discussion going on in the dining room. Miss Minnesota thinks that they should run. Buffy's opinion is that it's safer inside than outside. "How can you say that? It was here, Buffy. In the house. Livin' wif us for days!" bursts out Molly. "And you didn't even know it!" reprimands Chloe. First of all, NONE of you knew pathetic little whiners noticed it either, despite spending more time with First Eve-il than Buffy, and secondly, The First can't take corporeal form. It's not like it could have slit your throats in the night. "It could still be here," panics Miss Minnesota. "It could be any one of us!" Okay. Everyone turn to her neighbor and smack the shit out of her. Sounds like a simple enough solution to me. Willow reminds the pack of whiny babies that The First is limited to appearing as someone that has previously died. Rona dryly observes that there'll be plenty enough forms for The First to take soon enough. All the babies start babbling at once, the noise in the room rising to a deafening din. The only good thing is that I can't hear individual comments and get disgusted by them.
Buffy breaks in with a "We're all scared. I am too." She reminds them that they all need to stick together and wait for the information that Giles and Anya will be bringing. Xander reminds her that information is not the only thing that will be arriving soon. Notsferatu will be on his way at sundown. Buffy looks down, then cuts her gaze to Willow and says, "Will, I'm sorry to ask, but…" Willow knows what she's after. They need a protective barrier, because "something tells [Buffy] that this vamp doesn't need an invite to get into the house." Huh. You know what might have told Buffy that? RESEARCH. I miss the scenes that showed people solving their problems using their minds instead of conveniently knowing the peculiar strengths and weaknesses of a particular enemy. I suspect, however, that the writers couldn't come up with a plausible reason why Notsferatu is sensitive to sunlight, can be beheaded, and is affected by holy water, but cannot be staked and doesn't need an invitation to enter someone's home. Wow. The entire vampire mythology at this point is held together by duct tape and chewing gum. Anyway. Willow promises to try to raise a barrier. Willow's word choice elicits a new round of whinging from the Junior Misses. They don't understand how (or with what) they are supposed to fight. Kennedy has had it almost as high up to here as I have with all this; she snaps, "With whatever it takes!" More scared prattle from the Junior Misses. The camera pans around the table. Buffy and Willow exchange looks and file out of the room, followed by Xander. The core Scoobs then reassemble in the kitchen and look at each other a lot.
Sundown. First Eve-il sends out Notsferatu to run a little errand. She turns around to face Spike after saying, "Well. Alone again." Then she morphs into Buffy. "I just love having you all to myself."
Nursery For Nervous Nellies. Night. A group of Harbingers surround the house outside. "Why aren't they doing anything? Attacking?" asks Molly. Buffy replies, "They don't want in. They're here to make sure that we don't get out." More importantly, Buffy, why aren't YOU doing anything? Attacking? I've seen a crossbow there. You've got a nice little slit between those bits of plywood for an arrow to slip through. You certainly may not be able to damage The First, but I don't see why you can't cut off its hands. Take as many of those eyeless buggers out as possible! C'mon. Here we have Buffy, a seasoned Slayer. She's been a warrior for many years now. If I can think of these things, I think Buffy should be able to. I mean, I sit behind a computer and make fun of stuff for a living when I'm not studying linguistics. I can't think of anyone less suited to come up with a tactical battle plan than I am, but even I had a few useful ideas. Why is Buffy such a nitwit these days? Buffy hands Rona a sword. "Like this'll do any good! What's the point?" God. I'm about ready to let these brats die off. "It's this end right here," says Kennedy, pointing. "You stick that in the bad guys." Kennedy grabs a crossbow and expositions that she's been using one since she was eight. Andrew comes over to ask if Buffy will give him a weapon. After considering the options, Buffy hands him a flask of holy water.
Meanwhile, in the hallway, Willow is psyching herself up by chanting, "I'm facing my fear," and floating a lit candle. Kennedy comes by to hit on her, saying that, having heard the rumors, she'd almost like to see Cruella D'Will. "No you wouldn't!" snaps Will. She explains that she's on edge because The First messed with her last spell and invaded her body with "pure undiluted evil." Kennedy wonders what evil tastes like. "A little chalky," says Will. Got it. Metamucil is pure undiluted evil. No new information there. However, Kennedy's admission raises another question of mine. If she knows about Willow's dance on the dark side, wouldn't she also know about Tara? I can't believe that anyone would leave that crucial bit out of the story. I'd like to feel justified in hating Kennedy for hitting on Willow when she's obviously not over the girlfriend that died in her arms, but now I feel that I'm robbed of that opportunity by writers who are just not competent enough to have realized the implications of Kennedy knowing about Willow's past. No time to think about that now, though. Dawn has just told us that Notsferatu has arrived.
Notsferatu politely raps on the door. Aw. How nice. Good to see that he hasn't forgotten his manners. Oh. You say that's he's actually supposed to be trying to break the door down? Silly Notsie! Doesn't he know that the Scoobs never lock up? In the living room, the rest of the gang gathered behind her, Willow starts her barrier spell. Isn't it usually a good idea to have a barrier in place BEFORE your enemies get there? Is she expecting Notsferatu to enter the foyer and put his calling card on a silver salver and sip tea whilst waiting to be granted an audience? The Slayer Babies cringe. Willow looks like she's struggling with the spell, and behind her, Andrew starts anxiously muttering, "Deflector shields up!" Notsferatu busts down the door as Willow continues chanting, eyes black. Just as Notsferatu crosses the threshold to the living room, he's blocked by a rippling blue energy. He fights against it, and Willow is clearly having trouble maintaining the spell. Buffy gives the order to retreat. (That sounds better than the "Run! Everybody run!" that she actually uttered.) Xander in the lead, they all take off out the back door. One of the Harbingers falls victim to Kennedy's crossbow while Xander occupies the other, allowing the rest of the girls to escape. He quickly begins to lose the upper hand, but Buffy stakes it from behind. Nice to see that, in the middle of fleeing an incredibly powerful ur-vampire, Buffy found time on her trek from the living room to the backyard to grab and completely button up a leather jacket.
Alleyway. Anya and Giles are spit back into this dimension in a flash of light. Looks like all that wind took quite a toll on Anya's hair. They're a bit dizzy. Dizzy with love. Anya doesn't understand how "Buffy's death mucked up the whole Slayer mojo, y'know. It's not like she hasn't died before." Giles corrects her that "it's not because she died, the Beljoxa's Eye was quite clear about that in its enigmatic way. It's because she lives. Again. Buffy's not responsible." Note that we didn't hear the Botox Eye say anything of the sort. All we heard was that it was the fault of "the Slayer." The Botox Eye could have been referring to Faith. What I can't believe is that Giles actually thought an oracle would help. Prophecies never mean what you think they mean, and oracles are dirty, rotten liars. "Oh," Anya says with realization, "Willow and me and Xander and Tara. We're the ones that brought Buffy back. We're the reason The First is here. The reason those girls were murdered. It's our fault. The world would have been better off if Buffy had just stayed dead." Anya trudges off.
The gang runs down the street. They stop for a moment. Buffy orders the group to split up and tells Willow to find somewhere safe while she, Buffy, tries to slow Notsferatu down. Xander knows just the place. Dawn doesn't want to leave Buffy to handle Notsie alone, and Kennedy volunteers to stay and fight, but Buffy vetoes that plan and grabs Andrew's flask of holy water away from him. When Notsferatu appears, Buffy attempts a running and flying kick against him, but it's about as effective as kicking a brick wall. Buffy falls heavily to the ground, and when Notsie gets close enough, she smashes the flask of holy water in his face. Wow. That seems to have had all the potency of getting shampoo in one's eyes. He throws her against a car, and then she takes off with him briefly in pursuit. Buffy turns around to make sure Notsie is still following, but he's nowhere in sight.
Cut to the Scoobs and the Junior Misses climbing down a bunch of scaffolding. They're at the future home of the Sunnydale Public Library. It's still very much under construction now, and will be until Xander is back on the job. Rona is skeptical of, well, everything, but in this case specifically how safe their location is; Willow pronounces it satisfactory and tells everyone to "spread out and take positions." Andrew wants to know what his position is. How about on a bed of wilted spinach as an appetizer for Notsferatu? Rona pooh-poohs this grand plan (can't say I blame her), saying that Notsferatu is probably killing Buffy right now before coming after them. "Or," says Kennedy, looking off into the distance, "it could just skip that part and come straight here." Notsferatu stands and growls at them.
Commercials. Fast becoming my favorite part of each and every Buffy episode.
Kennedy gets her weapon ready. Chloe repeats, "No, no, no, no," but sounds as if she's struggling with a particularly worrying hangnail. Suddenly the space is awash in very bright construction lights. Notsferatu and the Junior Misses are momentarily distracted by the appearance of Buffy on top of a concrete pillar. Kennedy, hoping to take advantage of Notsferatu's confusion, prepares to fire a crossbow bolt, but is stopped by Willow, who admonishes her to hold her fire and watch what Buffy is up to. She leads the Junior Misses up into the scaffolding. "Looks good, doesn't it?" begins Buffy. "They're trapped in here. Terrified. Meat for the beast and there's nothing they can do but wait." And as soon as I heard the opening strains of another Big Buffy Speech, I knew that she'd emerge victorious. What I didn't know is what a lame and hollow victory it would be. Stupid optimism. I'll have to get that surgically removed if I'm going to make through the rest of the season. Buffy jumps down into the courtyard area, and she and Notsie circle each other while exchanging banter. Or, more to the point, Buffy drones on and on narrating the episode we just saw, and Notsie growls a bit. I'm almost at the point where I want to rip her throat out to get her to shut up, and she's supposed to be a good guy. "I'm the thing that monsters have nightmares about. And right now you and me are gonna show 'em why." Tough talk, but we've still got five minutes to fill. "Welcome to Thunderdome," finishes Buffy. Andrew: "Two men enter. One man leaves." I wish we'd seen Xander chewing on a sandwich, or some other plausible reason why he didn't deliver this line.
So. It's time for the moment we come to expect from every episode: they fight. Buffy is taking it on the chin early on. The Junior Misses watch, transfixed. "You planned this. Letting the barrier fail. Bringing us here. You and Buffy," says Dawn to Willow. How did she know that? Dawn isn't exactly the brightest key on the ring, if y'know what I mean. As an answer, we flash back to the earlier scene in the dining room, except this time with special telepathic voice-overs! Because it makes so much sense to use telepathy! It's not like Buffy could've merely caught Willow's eye and pulled Xander aside on her way out. Oh no! We needed to use telepathy. And Buffy needed to initiate it even though she's never been able to do that before. I swear, this show has developed into something that exists solely to break Occam's Razor. That which is most contrived is true. Return to the fight. Notsferatu throws Buffy against the scaffolding, hard. Kennedy's crossbow drops down, and Buffy uses it to shoot him. May I suggest that you might think about SHOOTING OUT HIS EYES? There's a reason we've never had a sight-impaired Big Bad. Also, if I may be so bold, you might want to consider taking weapons with you in the future, Buffy. I know they ruin the line of your leather, but sometimes you just gotta make these sacrifices when you're the warrior of the people. You fight so that we, the innocents, can have that simple silhouette you are denied. As an added bonus, if you were armed right now, it would be much more difficult for your opponent to grab, say, the naked blade of a sword rather than the wooden handle of the pickaxe you're using.
Notsferatu knocks Buffy into some concrete blocks. He kicks her when he's down. He whomps her so that she flies skyward and breaks through the wooden floor of the scaffolding. And then the super-strong ur-vampire -- whom we've seen break down doors, take the full force of Buffy's kicks, and stand tall after having a ton of steel pipes dropped onto him -- DUCKS under the yellow caution tape. How silly. Notsferatu grabs Buffy by the throat and lifts her into the air. The Junior Misses want to step in, but Willow holds them back. Buffy finally pulls out the crossbow bolt from Notsie's chest and stabs him in the eye with it. This gives her the edge she needs, and she goes on the offensive, knocking him back down below. They trade a few more hard punches, and then Buffy grabs some convenient barbed wire and decapitates him. She turns to face her gang. "See? Dust. Just like the rest of them…if we all do our parts, we'll be the ones left standing." There's more to Buffy's little speech, of course, but I'm a bit tired of listening to everyone flap their gums, so I'm going to nitpick a little about the lesson that Buffy supposedly taught them. How many times have we had it pointed out on this show that the thing that separates Buffy from the rest of the Slayers is all of her connections to the human world? And how many times would Buffy have been well and truly fucked if it weren't for the teamwork of the Scoobs? Right. So if this whole set-up was a plan, wouldn't it have been more effective to show these green proto-Slayers that being the Slayer doesn't automatically mean you have to face all the trials and tribulations alone? Couldn't they have made use of everyone's talents in the group? Or at least brought some freakin' weapons. Especially in light of Buffy's speech about everyone doing their part. Instead, all they learned was not to fuck with Buffy. (And don't even get me started on how improbable Buffy's win here was.) Alternatively, I was hoping Buffy would show the Slayer Hopefuls that by using their wits, regular people can fight evil too. Like the old Dr. Pepper jingle! "I'm a Slayer! You're a Slayer! She's a Slayer! Wouldn't you like to be a Slayer too?" But no, that would be too complicated. Buffy walks out, and they all tramp home after her.
No episode would be complete without the requisite Spike scene. Insert the requisite retching here. Spike is still tied to the wall in the cave. He sees Buffy standing there with a knife. He mumbles and mutters to himself about it all being an illusion, but Buffy cuts Spike's bonds and they walk out. Hopefully, they stop somewhere and buy Spike a damn shirt on the way home.