Man, it's almost Christmas ["it really was when Ace turned it in…sorry for the delay" -- Sars] and I've been fighting a nasty sinus infection for weeks. I have three-hour fanboy movies to see and family fights to weather and presents to buy and presents to wrap and people I haven't seen in ages coming into town and a living room to paint and miles to go before I sleep. And I think I wrapped my funny in Santa paper and gave it to my cousin by mistake. Apologies in advance.
There comes a time in every season when Ace and Sep weary of recapping the previouslys. Two reasons for the weariness. Reason the first: Each of these scenes has already been recapped by one of us at least once, if not over and over as part of previouslys. Reason the second: This show is repetitive enough already. Reason the third that just came to me: Sometimes this group of previously recapped previouslys can be almost two minutes long. And that's about ten minutes of real time in which I could be doing worthwhile things that I actually enjoy. In fact, while I've been busy typing this, the previouslys have just now come to a close. Buffy told Spike that she believes in him, but then some guys in black robes helpfully broke in and abducted him so that we wouldn't have to listen to that kind of silly crap anymore.
The episode opens at Casa Summers with Xander sweeping up glass. He complains that he's stuck in a mummy hand loop, having to replace the living room windows for all eternity. Xander's solution is to board up all the windows until things calm down. I'm sure the insurance company would appreciate that. Dawn and Anya sit on the couch researching (now with actual books!) while Willow and Buffy sit at the table near the computer. Anya, looking very cute in a pair of glasses, grouses, "Nothing!" Willow's research isn't bearing fruit either. She questions whether Buffy has her facts straight, and Buffy helpfully expositions a bit about The First Evil for the new viewers who haven't seen Season Three (all five of them). Viewers who have seen Season Three curse themselves for not having been able to drop this show like the ugly habit it's become. Anya makes fun of The First's claim to be the source of unadulterated evil. Buffy is apparently acting as the First's PR mouthpiece, as she talks about how "enormous" and "ancient" it felt when she last met it. The awe in her voice is a tad incongruent with the girl who sassed The First until it went away. Can someone please ask the writers to at least SKIM the old scripts if they're going to be lifting the villains from them? Or maybe employ someone from fandom to be a continuity person? Put all that obsessively gleaned knowledge to some practical use. Xander mentions that he wishes Andrew, tied to a chair, would wake up from his little nap, because he was just about to say something helpful about The First's location. Dawn, eyeing Andrew with quiet menace, gets off the couch and crosses the room. She thinks he's playing possum to get out of being interrogated, so she hauls off and slaps him across the face. Andrew doesn't react. "Or maybe he's in a fugue state," she begins as she winds up again. However, before she can hit him again she's ordered back to research by Buffy. Dawn kind of gives me the creeps this season. She seems to have no real sense of right or wrong and gets way too much delight from exercising whatever little bit of power she can scrape together. The thing is -- I like thinking she's creepy. It's fun, it makes sense to me that she could be that twisted, and it seems like it might lead somewhere interesting. But I'm just not sure if she's intentionally creepy, or if it's just poor writing and weak characterization . I used to trust that what I saw on the screen was intentional. These days I can't ever be sure, and I miss that.
Buffy says something about rescuing Spike, but I'm going to ignore that for now. "Hey! Here! The First!" breaks in Willow excitedly. "Bank of Delaware, sorry," she finishes lamely. Heh. Now why am I not surprised that a web search for "First" and "Evil" turned up a bank? Buffy sighs and asks someone to hand her the Watcher's Codex. Buffy takes the proffered book, and from off-screen we hear Joyce ask, "Can I get you anything else, baby? How about some tea?" Buffy looks hopeful, but then says, "You're not real. You're The First." Joyce suggests that Buffy is just tired, and that she should get some rest since she can't win the fight anyway. Well, isn't that a comforting motherly thing to say? But it turns out that Buffy is just dreaming anyway. Xander wakes her up and asks what she dreamed about, but Buffy (being Buffy) doesn't let on. I used to watch soap operas. You know why I stopped? Because out of all the silly aspects of soaps, I simply couldn't take all the contrived and melodramatic situations where people withheld important information from each other, thus leading to even more contrived and melodramatic situations. Children aging five years in a week, people being buried alive, villains coming back over and over from the dead, couples breaking up and marrying again and again over a decade -- no problem. But have a character neglect to tell her new husband about her fatal brain tumor, and I'd find myself screaming at the TV with my blood pressure dangerously high. I'm starting to have a similar reaction to this show.
Cut to a cave somewhere. Spike, carved designs on his chest still fresh, is being dragged across the dirt floor by some Harbingers. Notsferatu appraises him with as much loathing as one can summon when one doesn't have a nose, one's mouth can't close, and one's face is entirely immobile. It was all in the eyes, I guess. "Go on," says First Spike, stepping out from behind some cave stuff, "give him a kick then. You always liked that, didn't you?" Wooosh. First Spike morphs into First Dru. "Kick a dolly when he's down," she finishes. Great. Just about the only thing worse for me than having two Spikes to contend with is having a Spike and a Dru. Notsferatu stomps on Spike's chest. Faux Dru prattles. Faux Dru bounces. Faux Dru annoys.
Sweet merciful credits. Oh, The Two Towers! I'm excited to see it, although I'm going to miss conflicted, rugged, manly Boromir. I'm hoping his brother will make a tasty substitute.
Casa Summers. Anya splashes a glass of water into Andrew's face, attempting to rouse him, as Dawn stands by. "Maybe if you threw hot water on him?" Dawn suggests. "Good thinking!" agrees Anya with enthusiasm. These two have a future in the dominatrix business, I think. The duo head to the kitchen, but take a quick detour to the couch when they run into Buffy. They sit, looking as innocent as my cat attempted to look after she defied my shooing earlier today and brushed up against a freshly painted wall. See if I help her get the Sears Devonshire Cream off her ass fur any time soon. "Nothing," says Dawn preemptively. Buffy looks confused, but before she can question Dawn further, Andrew begins to come to. "Silly Andrew," says Anya in an attempt to cover. "You drooled all over yourself." Andrew's memories of his last moments come back to him and he says, "I was about to be dead. You saved me." "For the time being," replies Buffy before threatening to hand him over to The First. Wow. What a hero. Andrew's confused by this reference, since he slept through the research sessions. Anya provides a cursory explanation. Not that it isn't repetitive for the viewers, mind you. Andrew deems the moniker "The First" not "ominous" enough. "Evil names should be like Lex or Voldemort or..." Buffy breaks up this one-note performance and asks Andrew where the Seal of Danzig is located.
Cut to the school basement. Gang, led by Andrew, in search of the seal. Buffy asks him about the function of the Seal of Danzig, but Andrew, being just a pawn, has no idea. Dawn finds the wheel that Spike was trussed to when we last saw him, and notes the blood on it. Seems like Dawn wanted to make an impression on The First, as she's taken the time to crimp random curls into her hair. "Looks like The First made another sacrifice. Or a music video," Dawn muses in reference to the bloodied wheel. Andrew and Xander bicker about Andrew killing Jonathan. Whom no one has taken a moment to remember or regret. But I guess I shouldn't be surprised, since even Tara only got two seconds of mourning this season. Buffy guesses that The First used Spike to activate the seal. She decrees that before they decide what their move is, they need to cover the Seal of Danzig. Everyone grabs shovels and gets to it.
Cut to the halls of the basement. Xander and Andrew share the love that dare not speak its name: comic books. Once Xander realizes that he's almost bonded with Weasel Andrew, he gives the Weasel a manly shove. Buffy and Dawn are then interrupted by a disheveled Principal Wood carrying a shovel of his own. Wood raises an eyebrow at seeing Buffy, as last he heard she was oozing from both ends. Dawn chimes in with a story about a doctor and some cream just as Buffy mentions a pill. In an attempt to shift the focus, Buffy pointedly notices Wood's shovel. He lies that someone left it in the courtyard and he was just putting it away. He pointedly notices hers. Buffy claims that she was helping Dawn with her school project: a time capsule. This is Dawn's cue to improv, "Hello people of the future! Kids today like Red Bull and, uh, Jackass." Or, in Dawn's case, just act like jackasses. Wood casually mentions that if Buffy is indeed feeling better, he really could benefit from her presence in the office. He even claims that he's had to wait-list some kids who actually wanted to talk to her! About what, I cannot imagine. Is there anything that Buffy is qualified to give high school students advice about? Well, probably. But what are the chances of Buffy doing that effectively? She is bar none the most unprofessional counselor I've ever seen. I'm still surprised she didn't get canned for dry-humping that kid on school grounds.
Casa Summers. Anya sets a candle on the living room table in preparation for a locator spell Willow is going to try. Dawn sits nearby, researching the Seal of Danzig. Buffy and Xander stand to one side as Xander urges Buffy to rest. Apparently she hasn't slept in about two days. Gah. I'm useless if I don't get a full eight hours. When I miss even part of one night of sleep, work the day is incredibly painful. I can't imagine how Buffy does it. I mean, if I don't finish putting all the fall grades in the database, it's not like the world is going to get sucked into hell or anything. Although from the way some of the undergraduates react, you'd think it was the end of the world. About this time, there's a magical explosion. Anya is knocked back by the force against the dining room wall. Wind blows, and two CGI swirls of magi-crack go right up Willow's nose. Oh, hi, Marti. I didn't know you'd be back so soon. God. Go breed, woman, and leave this show alone. On second thought, don't breed anymore. Just leave. Willow starts spitting CGI magic tentacles all over. "You only make me stronger!" declares The First through Willow. Xander springs into action, smashing an urn against the wall and breaking the spell. Willow falls to the floor, shaking and sobbing. "It's still in me. I feel it!" Buffy comforts her and promises they won't ask her to try any more magic.
Buffy heads resolutely to the front door -- she's going to find The First. Xander wants to come with, but she's set on going it alone. Xander reminds her that they don't have any idea where The First may be. Buffy: "It's out there. It's hurting my friends. I'll find it." She opens to the door to reveal Giles standing on the other side. Buffy is stunned but pleased. She goes in for a hug, but is intercepted by a parade of Junior Miss Slayer Pageant contestants. They come tumbling in with their bad accents. Giles apologizes for showing up unannounced and explains, "I'm afraid we have a slight apocalypse." Well, the "Australian" one's accent is particularly bad, Giles, but I'm not sure I'd go so far as "apocalypse."
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Back at Casa Summers, the Junior Miss Slayers stand all in a row. What, no Buffy and Giles hug? I feel robbed. Just a few weeks ago, I posted on the boards about how moving I found the scene in "Flooded" where Giles comes back to Sunnydale and sees Buffy alive for the first time. When I saw that Giles was returning, I was hoping for another such scene. What is with this show and its insistence on never delivering any emotional payoff? Just a crumb, guys! I'm starving over here. Dawn, arms folded, appraises the Junior Misses. Ah, just what this show needs. More snotty teenagers. I'm sure that'll boost the ratings. "They're all Slayers?" Dawn sniffs, clearly miffed that they have a mystical calling and all she has is shiny hair. "Potential Slayers," corrects Giles. "There were many more like them all over the world, but now there's just a handful and they're all on their way to Sunnydale." "The others were murdered." says Buffy. Then we get a bunch of flashbacks of the Istanbul Slayer and the German Slayer.
Ace: Don't you wish this show would let up with the freakin' exposition? All we ever have anymore are talking heads yappity-yap-yapping or Spike prancing around with his shirt off. Would it kill Mutant Enemy to diversify a little? Why are all the trainees tiny brunettes? And don't you think it would have had so much more emotional impact if we had seen a bunch more of the other trainees being murdered over the course of the past eight episodes?
Sep: Good idea, but I fear the execution. Stock footage of Eiffel Tower. Girl in beret getting killed. Stock footage of Kremlin. Girl in fur hat getting killed. Stock footage of Taj Mahal. Girl in sari getting killed.
Ace: No kidding. This season is so low-budget they'd probably just use the same girl and paint her various shades of brown.
Buffy realizes that this is The First's plan -- to get rid of all the potential Slayers and their Watchers. "And then Faith. And then me." Well, maybe the other way around, Little Miss Self-Centered, since the Slayer line does go through Faith now. "And with all the potentials gone and no way of making another, it's the end," she continues. I always thought that Slayers were activated rather randomly, and that the Council could never be exactly sure who would be called, which is why they spent so much time seeking out and training potentials. But I suppose that if there isn't anyone around to tell her of her destiny, the Slayer would waltz through life clueless about the whole thing. Willow mentions that they haven't found any info on The First, so Giles explains that it predates written history. Its origins predate written history? Okay, I buy that. But there should be some record of its activities in ancient texts. I find it pretty hard to believe that in four thousand years, the only thing The First Evil has done is fuck with Angel. No matter how annoying and mopey he was. Anya wants to know what the Council thinks of recent events, and Giles fills the Scoobies in on the Watchers getting themselves all blowed up. Willow displays more sympathy for the Watchers' books than for any of the people, demonstrating that she was prime Watcher material herself.
Annabelle, the Junior Miss Slayer contestant from Britain, comes forward to lay the three or four surviving volumes on the coffee table. Luckily Giles pilfered them as soon as he caught wind of The First's plans. Giles refers to the books he's brought as "the mystic secrets of the Watchers," which for some reason made me think of The Justified Ancients of Mu Mu. Then I started to wonder if I'll get the Echo and the Bunnymen box set I wish-listed for Christmas. Sorry, my brain works in mysterious ways. Anya accuses Giles of blowing up the Watcher's headquarters, and he snaps at her that he didn't. She looks overly chagrined. Andrew says something. I ignore him. Xander goes to gag him. The camera follows Xander to provide the viewers with the pleasure of seeing Andrew's mouth taped shut. I wouldn't have found Dawn so creepy if she'd simply shut Andrew up with some tape instead of belting him, I guess. Giles expositions the rules The First operates under, which are pretty similar to what we've seen so far. It can change form, but can only appear as someone who has died, and it can't physically manipulate objects on its own. The Junior Miss Slayers talk amongst themselves, and I ignore them. Giles glooms and dooms that The First is different than other enemies. "There's evil and then the thing that created evil. The source." He continues that The First has had "eternities to act. Endless resources. How to defeat it. Honestly I don't know." Pause. "I'm afraid it falls to you, Buffy." "But no pressure," adds Xander. Who is this depressing man masquerading as my Giles? Shame on him for coming all the way back to Sunnydale to be so useless. One of the Junior Miss Slayers makes a little speech. I mostly ignore her. She says that they ought to be hiding rather than coming directly to the Hellmouth. "She's not wrong," agrees Buffy. "We need more muscle. That's why we need to find Spike." Huh? Who does Buffy think she's fooling with that lame excuse about needing Spike to fight? I guess I can grudgingly understand rescuing him, but letting him fight with you? An ally who is under the direct mind control of your enemy is an ally you really, really don't need at your side in a fight.
Cut to The Cave Of Nonsensical And Ineffective Torture. Spike is plunged into water and held down by Notsferatu. He writhers and wriggles and struggles as if in pain until he finally stops breathing and passes out. Notsferatu hauls him out, and Spike lies like the dead on the ground until he starts moving and burbles water up out of his lungs. Is this supposed to be a torture scene? Because all I see is Spike acting like a dumb-ass and breathing when he's underwater even though, as a vampire, he doesn't need to breath AT ALL. Him getting his head dunked should be about as much torture as me sticking my hand in my water glass. I like two things about this scene. One is that Spike is silent, and the other that his hair is all wet and rumpled. It's a welcome relief from the Peroxide Helmet and I almost find him cute again. "That's why our kind makes such good dollies. Hard to kill," explains Faux Dru. Or should I called her Notsilla, to go with Notsferatu? Or maybe Fauxsilla? Fauxsilla babbles and babbles as she sways back and forth and pulls her dress up over her knees. What the hell is that about? The last thing I want to see is Fauxsilla with a wedgie. Oh. Faux Dru's skirt, formerly red, is now black. What an impressive use of power. She/it chirps, "I'm not done with you yet." And Notsferatu holds Spike under water again. At least Spike can't talk under there.
Giles and Buffy walk down the main street on their way to the last location where Buffy saw the Harbingers -- the hidden cavern under the Christmas tree lot. Buffy worries, "This is bad, isn't it? A new kind of bad." "Just in time for Christmas," confirms Giles. Yes, maybe The First will get scarier if you talk a lot about how bad it is. So far it doesn't seem to be working, but keep at it, guys. Buffy had no idea it was December. Probably because, according to continuity, it's no more than a week after "Conversations with Dead People" aired. "Maybe when we get home we should decorate the rubble," suggests Buffy, before asking Giles if he'll ever show up for a "real" visit." She misses Giles. The robot playing Giles in this episode robots that he misses Buffy too. I've heard more sincerity from harried sales clerks delivering their store-mandated greetings during my last-minute Christmas shopping.
Back at Casa Summers, Willow is trying to figure out the sleeping arrangements. She's trying to find places for all the Junior Misses to bed down, but doesn't mention Giles. That's because he's sleeping with me. What? He's annoying this episode, but I still lurve him. Kennedy, the pageant contestant from Obnoxious Town, USA, cleverly nixes all of Willow's various combinations until an exasperated Willow puts her in charge. Kennedy flounces up the stairs, sheets in hand, with a saucy, "You better not hog the covers." Willow is agape, but is interrupted by Dawn who has burned the macaroni and cheese she was making for dinner. Dawn quickly suggests dousing it in hot sauce and telling the Junior Miss Slayers that it's blackened, Cajun-style. But too late for that plan, because Anya has just dumped it in the trash. Apparently it turns out that cookies are the dinner of choice. The two other Junior Miss Slayers, Dawn, and Willow all munch away, with Anya standing at the sink and muttering unintelligibly to herself. Anya has a sudden and unprecedented housework fetish? Anya has a sudden and unprecedented tendency to mutter behind people's backs and not simply say what she's thinking in a loud voice right to their faces? What a bizarrely shot and directed scene. It made almost no sense, and the voice-over was terrible and unnecessary. So incredibly amateurish. I wish that The First Evil would stop producing this show.
Empty Christmas tree lot. Shouldn't it be, erm, full if it's Christmas? Or at least not all quiet and boarded up. Buffy finds the entrance to the underground cavern by falling in. Good to see that she's honed those Slayer skills in the last few years. Giles peers down into the cavern, but Buffy tells him to stay up top. She wanders around weaponless as something darts around in front of the camera. She turns around to find Notsferatu right in her face. He knocks her into the wall to say hello. And now comes my favorite part of each and every episode I recap: they fight. Or, more to the point, some tiny man in a blond wig and another tiny man in a rubber mask fight. Hey, that's just the view from this couch. Buffy's having a bunch of trouble with this one, even though for once she has the height advantage. Buffy finally gets a stake in, but it doesn't take. He pulls it out. She gets all wide-eyed because she's a silly ninny who went to check out an evil cave of evilness and forgot to pack any another weapons.
Buffy fights tiny Notsferatu. It does some cartwheel things, but the murkiness of the dark cave and my terrible UPN reception conspire to rob me of full enjoyment. Biff! Bang! Pow! Wee marshmallow-headed Notsferatu has Buffy by the neck, throttling her until she manages to clonk him on his big Styrofoam head with a stalactite. She clambers up the cave wall and is most of the way out of the hole when Notsie grabs her leg and drags her part of the way back in. No sign of Giles above ground. Buffy kicks off Notsie and, grunting, pulls herself above ground. Then there's the strangest Hammer horror films shot of Buffy looking up in desperation as Giles lumbers towards her, silhouetted dark against the rising sun. The soundtrack shrieks significantly, and Buffy gasps as the sun drives Notsie back into his hole.
Sunnydale sunrise shot. Buffy and Giles enter the kitchen, and Buffy seems absolutely flummoxed to see the three Junior Misses hanging in the kitchen, eating breakfast. Dawn must be quite the slug-a-bed for Buffy to be so surprised to see teens up with the sun. Kennedy talks with her mouth full to apologize for the other girls being in the kitchen. Shut up, Kennedy. Buffy wants to discuss what she just encountered, but Giles seems reluctant to have the Junior Misses in on the conversation. "No time to coddle them, Giles," Buffy decides. "Welcome to the war room, guys." Annabelle positively wriggles with excitement and runs to fetch her notepad. Giles gets into explainy mode and declares that Notsferatu is the vampire that's not. Or that's something more. Apparently, it's an Uruk-Hai, a monstrous creature bred deep in the bowels of Isengard to…oh, sorry. Wrong universe. Notsferatu is actually a Turok-Han, which is not at all like an Uruk-Hai. In fact, a Turok-Han is some sort of Ultimate Fighting Vampire, so bad, mad, and -- uh, bad, that makes all the non-Turok vampires shake in their little booties. They're the monster-myth under the bed that vampire mommies would use to scare their little vampire offspring into being good, if vampires reproduced that way. Giles always thought the Turok-Han were a myth until Buffy encountered one. Myths never live up to the hype, do they? That must be why Notsferatu is so tiny and nimble, and not at all the primordial killing machine Giles just described. Giles deduces that Notsferatu is "an agent of the First." Annabelle wants to know if the Turok-Han is dead, and Buffy has to admit that she didn't quite manage to finish it off. She says the Turok-Han wants them all dead, but can't get at them during daylight. So that's its only vampire-like weakness? Giles wants Buffy to get some rest, but she's not willing. She tells the girls to "sit tight" and decides to head off to "work" (ironic quotes there) and check out their enemy. Giles wants to know how she's going to research The First, and Buffy says, "I have the best plan ever."
Little liar. Buffy is talking on the phone and typing "evil" into an internet search engine. That's her best plan ever? The world is lucky it wasn't destroyed long ago. She gets 900,517 hits and tells whoever she's on the phone with that she's going to narrow down the search. Just as she hangs up the phone, Principal Wood looms up over the side of her cubicle. "Manifestations of evil?" he reads curiously. It sucks getting caught surfing the internet at work, so I can sympathize with Buffy for a second there. Okay, second over. Buffy types quickly so that her search now reads "manifestations of evil in the movies." Buffy explains that she likes evil movies. Me too. Especially ones with evil in right the title and starring Bruce Campbell. Buffy doesn't have the taste to name those, though, and instead offers up The Exorcist and Blair Witch as examples. Blair Witch was only evil in that it stole my $8.00 and didn't provide anything remotely resembling a scary moment. Principal Wood seats himself at Buffy's desk and delivers a little lecture about how he's not a "fan" of scary movies, because sometimes they "go to a place that [he] think[s] kids could stand to avoid." He's obviously delivering a message here, but I can't for the life of me figure out what he's trying to tell her. Buffy assures him that she's not looking up the "scary movies" for the kids, and he fires back, "I'm only saying that once you see true evil, you're gonna have some serious after-burn, and then you can't unsee what you saw. Ever." And I can't ever unsee the horrible, horrible things this show has made me see, like Spike air-humping in "Gone" last season. Plus, Wood, baby? "Unsee" isn't a word. An educator like yourself should know better. Buffy contemplates what the principal has said to her, although I think she has no inkling of the subtext in this scene. Probably because she can't hear The Somber Synthesizer Of Suspense the way we can. As Wood leaves, Buffy asks him what kind of movies he prefers. Without turning around to face her, he replies, "Mysteries." Oh yeah, because mysteries never have evil in them, what with the murdering and robbing and greed and other sins they usually involve. He continues, "I love finding out what's underneath it all at the very end." Aw, we have to wait until the end of the season to find out his deal? Shoot. I find him a tiny bit interesting. Wood gives a mysterious smile and walks off.
Oh, blah. Fauxsilla is still fauxing its jabbering head off to Spike. One of Spike's eyes is swollen up like a plum, and he looks appropriately cranky at having to listen to so much empty talk. Fauxsilla wants Spike to choose a side. I kinda think he already did, Faux Dru, what with the soul-getting and all. Spike is mostly silent in this scene, so I'm able to be on his side. Fauxsilla chuckles about how Spike loves a "good wriggle and a giggle and a squiggle" as she squirms her torso about and waves her ropey, plucked-chicken arms in the air, and oddly, Spike remains able to resist this lyrical and tempting call to the dark side. I always found Dru pretty annoying, but I don't remember her ever being this dopey or banal. Apparently, Spike doesn't either, because he does manage to quite calmly explain to her, "You're not Drusilla." Faux Dru laughs, but when Spike explains, "[Dru] was crazier than you," she gets all whiny and calls him "Daddy." That's just wrong. Angelus was Daddy to Dru because he sired her. She herself sired Spike, so it's either terrible writing for her to trot that out, or purposeful writing to show how the First isn't getting the Dru voice quite right. As I said earlier, there was a day when I would have given the writers the benefit of the doubt in a situation like this, but that day is long past. Anyway, the First is just continuing to degrade any menace it might have accumulated in "Conversations with Dead People" by being incredibly stupid in its attempts to turn Spike. It dunks him, it has him beaten up, it prances about and whines in front of him, and now it seems to be offering itself sexually to him. Yeah, I think even a tortured vampire with a soul could resist that approach. There's no subtlety or psychology there. Why not work on convincing him that he'll never be able to be good, or even if he is that he'll never be accepted and loved by Buffy, so he might as well give up? Why not try to trigger the anger at Buffy he must have somewhere still inside him that led to his assault on her in "Seeing Red"? And why does it even want Spike to be consciously turned to its side, when it had the power to control him? Between you and me, I'm just pondering all these questions in order to avoid having to continue with this scene. Shudder. Okay, Spike doesn't feel tempted by Fauxsilla's offer of being "bad," so he gets a clout in the head from Notsferatu. Faux Dru declares Spike a "bad daddy" who needs a caning, and I grind my teeth again at the use of "daddy." Any more of this and Mutant Enemy is getting a bill from my dentist for the damage these scenes are doing to my molars. More waving of ropey arms and torso from Fauxsilla, and more smacking of Spike's head. Faux Dru wants him to chose the side of "delicious" evil. The only way Fauxsilla would be delicious is if she would SHUT THE HELL UP. Spike tells Faux Dru to "get bent." More punching. So. Very. Boring. Can we rest now? First, can we rest?
Sunnydale High School. Buffy rinses her face in the sink and winces at her bruised lip. She then inspects some bruises on her arm, hissing in pain. Someone touches her arm, and suddenly she's in her room at home and Joyce is with her. Joyce wants to know what happened to Buffy, and then stops herself from giving Buffy a guilt trip. She wants to get some ice, but Buffy says she doesn't have time. Joyce admonishes her that she must heal and then asks, "Are you worried about the sun going down?" She says Buffy can't control the rising and setting of the sun, but Buffy frets, "Everyone's counting on me." Joyce says Buffy's friends put "too much pressure" on her, and then tells her that evil isn't coming. "[Evil]'s already here. Evil is always here. Don't you know? It's everywhere." Buffy dutifully replies that she must stop evil and Joyce, almost rhetorically, wonders how she will do that. Then she says that despite Buffy's friends' expectations, evil is a part of everyone. A wonderful natural part of everyone that can't be stopped. It took me a few viewings, but now I'm pretty sure Dream Joyce is not on the side of the angels, so to speak. A bell rings, and Buffy wakes up at her desk at work. She's fallen asleep while talking to some poor kid, who sulks off, saying she's just like all the other mean adults. Buffy rests her head in her hands and doesn't see that Principal Wood is watching her from behind his mini-blinds. It looked more mysterious than it sounds when you have to use the word "mini" as part of the description.
Back at Mission Control, the Scoobies are getting weapons as Giles informs us that the sun is about to set. The Junior Misses sit on the sofa, looking nervous; Xander tells them to cheer up, because despite not knowing much of anything, the gang does now have the house boarded up. He suggests that they just need to trap the "uber-vamp" in the pantry and "it's game over." Willow chides him for making "jokes in the face of death" on front of the new girls, and Xander quips, "Who's joking?" I'm asking the same thing, myself, but I'm feeling pretty serious about how unfunny this scene is so far. Xander's married to his pantry idea, which he got from Signs, in case you haven't seen it. And if you haven't yet, don't bother. It's incredibly stupid, with a heapin' side helping of pretension. Buffy and Willow try to reassure the Junior Misses that they'll be okay and then Willow launches into a really longwinded apology to Buffy for not being able to do magic without being possessed by evil. Buffy stares at her, stony-faced, and I wish she'd just say something, anything at all, because her lack of response just seems to make Willow ramble on more and more. Willow finally concludes, "I wish I could help out," and all Buffy can manage in reply is, "No one expects you to make everything right," in the saddest little tone of voice, clearly telegraphing her ever so crushing awareness that everyone does expect Buffy to make everything right. I'm not quite sure at what point in this season I started disliking Buffy so much, but this scene isn't really helping at all. Willow is oblivious (despite Buffy's hostile folded-arms posture) to the fact that Buffy has no interest in, or compassion for, her distress, and continues to wish she could help. Buffy's basically all, "Butt out, whiny witch bitch. It's not like you're the Chosen One," and turns to leave. Willow stops her, saying that she knows Buffy won't ask for help even if she needs it, but Buffy just shrugs and says, "I'll be okay." Is that supposed to be stoic? Am I supposed to feel sorry for her that she won't discuss anything with anyone or ask for help, despite all the times she's learned that her friends make her stronger? Blah. Stupid mouthy Kennedy prances over and demands weapons for the Junior Misses. Giving them weapons seems like a good idea, if all of them have actually been trained in anticipation of becoming the Slayer. There's some arguing, because Buffy isn't sure about giving them the weapons, and Annabelle says that even without weapons they're "safe as houses" with the Slayer. Veddy good show, Annabelle, wot? Kennedy points out that the house they're in is halfway demolished. Well, it's a saying, Kennedy, but good point anyway. Give the girls some weapons. What's the very worst that could happen? Something will attack them, they'll get a little cocky because they're armed, and they'll quickly get killed. Fine by me. Buffy okays the Junior Misses getting weapons.
Andrew (I forgot about him) wants to be untied, because he has a bad feeling about things. Buffy wants to know why they should let him loose, and Andrew unconvincingly argues, "I admit, I went over to the dark side. But just to pick up a few things, and now I'm back." He concludes by saying, "I'm good again!" Buffy cracks me up a little by countering, "And when were you good before?" She stalks out of the room. Then any goodwill I had from that chuckle is lost as Andrew dribbles out another Star Wars reference. Could Andrew be any more one-dimensional? And there's no way he can make any fandom references that are going to amuse me, because at this point it is just so PREDICTABLE. I think the writers have a twenty-sided die that they roll to write Andrew's lines. Some sides say "whine," some sides say "snivel," some say "fantasy/reality problem," and the rest have the names of various fandoms associated with nerds. Roll the die a few times and you have all your Andrew dialogue for the episode. Andrew then yammers about redemption in what I think I could be some sort of meta-commentary on all the tortuous, angsty, self-important redemption happening on the show. However, it lacks any sort of satirical bite and could just be bad writing.
Buffy peers out a window. Giles comes up and tells her that everyone there accepts that she's in charge. Um, thanks? I don't think that was even an issue in the last scene, was it? Buffy hopes she's making the right decisions, and Giles starts out well by saying he has faith in her, but then gets rather burdensome by adding, "And they're depending on you." Ugh. He can't know what Dream Joyce has been telling her, of course, but I think that after being by Buffy's side for seven years of her putting her life on the line, he would realize that she is only too aware of her responsibilities. I'm over this whole "is this really Giles or is he dead?" thing. In fact, I'm so over it that, at dinner tonight, I told my sister I hope Giles is actually dead. She said, "You depress me more than Buffy does." Uh, that was not the way I meant the conversation to go. Family. Gotta love 'em. Anyway, what I meant was that it might be exciting to see an evil Faux Giles really mess with Buffy's head, and that ASH could have fun with the role. My sister brought me back to earth by reminding me that The First would do a terrible hatchet job with being Giles. So now I hope Giles isn't really dead and that the scripts let him go back to being a decent person soon. Buffy tells Giles she doesn't need the pressure from him, and then the pageant contestant from "Australia" rushes in to tell them that Annabelle has run away. Crikey!
Somehow, in a few minutes, Annabelle has managed to run all the way from Buffy's quiet, residential neighborhood to a dark, menacing factory or power plant or something. You know, the big power plant/factory right behind Buffy's house that we've seen in all those episodes...oh forget it. Let me just say that this scene and the ensuing fight could equally well have taken place in a residential alley around the corner from Buffy's house, or one of the familiar alleys off Sunnydale's main street, and I find the location to be a distracting and pretentious choice. Poor stupid Annabelle clutches her tiny cross pendant as she runs, but we know that's not going to help her at all. She runs around the corner of a large dumpster and right into the wee little hand of Notsferatu. A crunching noise indicates that it has snapped her neck. I guess Notsie just knew she was going to show up there? Or perhaps we're supposed to believe that The First was working on her and then coerced her to run to that particular place? I suppose we'll never know. Thank goodness we had all those extra minutes of Faux Dru flinging her bony hips and arms about instead.
Somehow, Buffy has tracked Annabelle to the factory, out of all the places in Sunnydale she could have run to. Why not check the dam, the university, the Espresso Pump, the airport, or the harbor instead? Anyway, Buffy walks up to Annabelle's body and then, in this great open space, she just stands there and stares. She knows the girl is dead, yet she doesn't check her surroundings for enemies or show any signs of alertness at all. She just stands and stares. At this point, I began rooting for Notsferatu to rid us all of this troublesome and apparently chronically stupid Slayer. Since Buffy is just standing and staring, she's caught off guard when Notsie jumps out of nowhere and knocks her down. Seriously? There was nowhere nearby for him to hide; he had to have walked right up to her and knocked her down. Poor stupid Buffy. She didn't even bring any weapons on this little mission! She had to have been reasonably sure she would run into the Turok-Han, and she didn't bring any means of self-defense with her. Obviously the stake through the heart didn't work, but a long, sharp sword through the neck might have. Or a flame-thrower. I really think a flame-thrower would've spiced this episode up some. They try some tricky camera work to make Notsie look menacing, but he never really transcends "skinny little guy in an immobile foam head," and that's just not scary. But at least now there's fighting (such as it is) to recap.
Buffy clambers to her feet, and Notsie gets her in a chokehold. I guess he's more of a squeezer than a biter. Maybe because he just hasn't explored the whole bloodsucking thing yet? He does look entranced when Buffy spits some blood in his face, and lets her go in order to wipe his mouth and growl. Buffy limps into the factory. Notsie trips along lightly behind her. Buffy limps. Notsie stalks. You know, I don't watch this show to see the heroine be a mewling loser. And she's been a mewling loser for, oh, two seasons or so now. These days I kick more ass and take more names than Buffy does, and I have a desk job! Buffy does finally manage to whap Notsie a good one with a length of pipe, but it only slows him down for a second. They fight. Or, more accurately, Notsie punches, kicks, shoves, and otherwise generally kicks Buffy's ass all over the place. Finally, Buffy ends up on the ground and sees that Notsie is standing under a whole mess of metal pipes. She kicks out a support, and the load of pipes comes smashing down onto her opponent. For a tiny fraction of a millisecond, I believe this is an ass-kicking moment, but then I remember that this year's Buffy can have no dignity, and I also realize that we didn't get a power shot or quip. Instead, we just have the extremely damaged Buffy limping away from the pile of pipes, like every damaged blonde victim in every horror movie ever made. And that indicates, like in every horror movie ever made, that It's Not Over Yet. Indeed, she turns back and stares in terror as Notsferatu shakes off all the pipes. He's seemingly unharmed and comes after her, throwing her into a wall and then tossing her through another one. The rest of the wall comes down onto her. The screen is dark, and we hear Xander call Buffy's name. Xander pulls some sheet metal off the unconscious Buffy and he, Willow, and Giles stare in horror at her battered and bloody body.
Notsilla. Fauxsilla. Faux Dru. Oh, God. Make it stop. Make it stop! No more, please. Fauxsilla asks Spike if he knows why he's still alive. I choke down comments about his being handsome and a fan favorite as I remember that I'm on Spike's side in these scenes, because he cannot ever be as annoying as Fauxsilla, and he mostly has been keeping his mouth shut, which makes him bearable. Blah blibbity blah. Spike's alive because The First wills it to be so and is not done with him yet. But I am. I'm so done with both of them. Spike says he won't be The First's "puppet" any more, which causes The First to get all screechy and extra-terrible in the accent department. "Ahnd whot moikes you thoink you hoive a choice? Whot makes you thoink you will ever be any good a-tall in this world?" it demands. "Because she believes in me," replies Spike. I'm so very moved. To go to the kitchen to get a soda before the final stretch.
Buffy's sitting all alone and sad-like with giant, luminous eyes as she overhears a conversation between Willow and Giles in the room. The closed captioning reads completely differently than the dialogue that made it to air, but basically the gist is that Giles has no plan, doesn't know what to do, and thinks Buffy is so injured that she probably has internal bleeding. In the closed captioning dialogue, Willow and Giles agree that Buffy should be in the hospital, which makes it sound as if they suggested it to her and she declined. In the aired dialogue, they just fret about what will happen if she can't fight. We see that Giles is talking to everyone, including Dawn, Anya, and the two remaining Junior Misses. Giles continues to be useless, saying he doesn't know if they can fight The First. I can't believe that even Giles has become so hard to love. Or maybe I should find it only too easy to believe, considering the systematic destruction thus far of everything lovable or admirable about every other character on the show.
Buffy comes into the room and delivers this little speech: "You're right. We don't know how to fight it. We don't know when it'll come. We can't run, can't hide. Can't pretend it's not the end, 'cause it is." Poignant music begins to plink in the background. Dawn stares at Buffy, wondering what the hell her point is going to be. "Something's always been there to try and destroy the world. We've beaten them back. But we're not dealing with them anymore. We're dealing with the reason they exist. Evil. The strongest. The First." Everybody looks pretty bummed out, and Giles murmurs, "Buffy, I know you're tired." The Slayer has a point, though, and she's going to get to it. Eventually. "I'm beyond tired. I'm beyond scared," she continues. "I'm standing on the mouth of hell and it is going to swallow me whole and it'll choke on me. We're not ready? They're not ready. They think we're gonna wait for the end to come like we always do. I'm done waiting. They want an apocalypse? Oh, I'll give them one. Anyone else who wants to run -- do it now. Because we just became an army. We just declared war. From now on we won't just face our worst fears -- we will seek them out. We will find them and cut out their hearts one by one until The First shows itself for what it really is and I'll kill it myself. There is only one thing on this earth more powerful than evil and that's us. Any questions?" Yeah, I have some, but as a Christmas present to everyone, I'll keep my mouth shut.