Previously on Buffy: Buffy wouldn't sleep with Spike again, but Tara and Willow had no problems in that department. Buffy bashed Warren's balls, and The "Bitch" Count for this hour of TV went from zero to two in three seconds. Spike was a bad, bad man in Buffy's bathroom, and then did a Pike (sans Buffy). Warren took his Second Amendment rights a little too far.
An ambulance speeds through the streets of Sunnydale, then pulls up in front of the Summers house. Xander runs out of the side yard to guide the paramedics to Buffy's body, and I know I should be all involved in the drama here, but since the preview last week already showed Buffy up and mobile, I'm not feeling the suspense. Instead, I spent most of this scene snickering at one of the paramedic extras' nasty moustache and trying to see if the other one, who has cool hair, is cute. One minute and thirty seconds after the episode starts, and they've lost me already. Xander watches the extras as they start to work on Buffy.
Upstairs, Willow sobs and caresses Tara's face, refusing to accept that her girlfriend is dead. With some whistling noises, the room darkens and the ceiling is obscured by swirling storm clouds. During the heyday of the prairie look, I was in eighth grade and had a shirt a lot like Willow's. Without the blood spatters, of course. But with more satin ribbon detailing. It occurs to me that the bloodstains might have been a better look. Willow, all with the solid black eyes, commands Osiris to bring Tara back.
Ooh! The non-mustachioed extra is kinda cute! Uh, I mean Buffy is in mortal danger; her "lung sounds are wet." Xander frets, and Moustache tells him to back off. Buffy blinks.
Oh, Jesus. My cat just yakked up all of her breakfast right in front of the TV! I choose to interpret that as her editorial comment on this episode, and I have to concur. Now she's lying on the floor glaring at me. Sorry -- contractually obligated to continue recapping, Frances. You'll just have to be patient. And stop spewing that freaky yellow bile. Recapping keeps you in kibble and Petromalt.
Willow bosses Osiris around some more and then says please. Osiris isn't too charmed, and tells her that Tara cannot be brought back to life because she died a "human death by humans means." Can't get back someone who was taken by "natural order," unless of course it was last season and you were Dawn and you managed to raise your mother, who died of a brain aneurysm, from the dead. Willow screams, "Noooooooo," and a rippling force shoots out of her mouth and zaps Osiris, who vanishes. Oh, the heartbreak of halitosis! Maybe Willow and Buffy should've tried using bad breath on that other pesky hell god they had to fight?
The medic extras roll Buffy's gurney into the front yard, followed by Xander. He runs into Willow on the front walk. Xander seems to register that Willow is bloody because he asks if she's okay, but he seems too shocked for it to really sink in. Willow's eyes are back to normal and she simply asks, "How did this happen?" Xander replies that Warren was the shooter, and Willow zombies, "Warren…" before taking off down the street. Xander calls after her, but then has to hop in the ambulance to accompany Buffy to the hospital.
Sunnydale police station. Jonathan and Andrew are locked in a cell, sniping at each other. Jonathan indicates a burly man in the cell and says he thinks the guy wants to make him "his butt monkey," but Andrew scoffs that Burly Man is just in for parking violations. Jonathan is freaked that prison rapists like "the small ones with little hands like their girlfriends." Andrew tells him to "chill" because Warren is going to free them any minute. Jonathan is skeptical, and then they drift into their little nerd fantasyland for a second, talking about WarGames. "I miss Ferris Matthew [Broderick]. Broadway Matthew -- I find him cold." Jonathan doesn't agree, but then remembers that he and Andrew have real problems to deal with, like the fact that Andrew's aunt never responded to his one phone call. Jonathan growls about how Andrew and Warren were going to "fly off and leave [him] holding the bag," and Andrew cracks me up (a little) by very insincerely saying, "I was going to…carry you." He flops back down on the bunk. Jonathan snides that the "nice murderer" Warren was going to ditch him and then ditch Andrew too, but Andrew doesn't want to hear it. "He's coming for us," delusions Andrew. "He's out there right now devising a brilliant way to get us out of here." Oh yeah, suuuure. And the sun will come out tomorrow, Little Orphan Andrew.
The nice murderer in question has decided to don a sharp suit and jaunt his way into a bar, not a thought in his mind about the location of his erstwhile partners in crime. Warren tells the demon behind the bar that he's "feeling expansive," so he buys a round for the bar. He then sits down, doffs his sunglasses, and starts to make small talk with the vampire to him. The vamp isn't too interested in Warren, as he's busy "watching [his] program," which appears to be a nature show on crocodiles. Warren shuts up for a millisecond, but can't wait to crow loudly about how he's the man who just killed the Slayer. That catches the vampire's interest, and he's ready to hear more. Leading up to his big moment, Warren explains, "I've been heading an organization. The Trio? You've heard about us." "Uh, no," demurs the vamp. Warren brushes it off as not that important and saying he ditched two-thirds of his trio and, now that "Buffy's out of the picture," he's ready to get a real gang. The bartender seems a little skeptical that Warren actually managed to off the Slayer, and asks if he's a warlock. Nope, Warren has "explored all the dark arts," but in the end, found a gun to be most effective in ridding the world of Buffy. "You killed the Slayer with a gun?" snickers the vampire, and then he and the bartender begin to laugh. Warren says that yep, he did. Killed her in her own backyard. He babbles on about the effectiveness of science as the bar patrons laugh more and more. Warren is riding high on the good feelings and cheers, "The town is ours!" "Ours, maybe," agrees the vampire, "You are screwed." The barkeep makes a crack about being a good shot, and Warren finally realizes, "This isn't the evil laugh of victory, is it?" He wants to know what the hell everyone finds so funny, and the vampire tells him that the news just featured a story about a young woman shot in her own backyard. "She survived. She's in the hospital," says the barkeep, and reminds Warren, "Slayers heal fast. Real fast." Warren swallows nervously and looks like he's about to pee his pants. The vampire advises him to run and run fast, because the Slayer will be after him "big-time."
Willow blasts in through the front door of Der Zauber Kasten. All the light bulbs in the place explode as she strides by. She turns to Goodwife Anya, who's behind the counter sporting the latest in Pilgrim-inspired fashion -- a black top with a wide white Peter Pan collar and cuffs. Willow wants the "black arts books," and Anya says that although she acknowledges "something terrible has happened," she won't let Willow have the books. Willow freezes Anya with a wave of her hand and then uses magic to call all the black arts books down off the mezzanine. Hey, just where we were at the end of last season when Willow went all "I. Owe. You. Pain," after Tara got brain-sucked by Glory. No wonder I was feeling so very deja-vu. Season Seven! Willow freaks out and goes all black magic in Episode 20 when something happens to her girlfriend! It's new! Different! Something you've never seen before! Except, like, the past two years. The books flutter down to the table like a flock of evil birds, and Willow goes to them. A few volumes are open on top of the pile, and she plunges her hands into one of them. The lettering from the pages flows and wraps up her skin, sliding up her arms, under her shirt, and finally up over her face. This is one of the nicest effects in an episode that relies heavily in special effects, most of which fail tragically. As the lettering glides over Willow's eyes, they go black; the lettering then continues to scroll up over her forehead and through her hair, which also turns inky dark. "That's better," husks Willow in a voice much deeper than usual, as Anya looks on, horrified.
Dawn arrives home to find the front door standing wide open. Oh, man, that's never good. I was instantly reminded of the time a few years ago when I was house-sitting for my parents' house and their four indoor-only cats. I got there after work and found the front gate, and then the front door, standing wide open. My first reaction was to try to devise some plausible explanation, which I couldn't, and my second reaction was to panic on behalf of the four soft, spoiled cats, now most likely irretrievably lost and wandering the neighborhood or running out into heavy traffic. My panic overrode any common sense and I raced into the house, right past the empty entertainment center and all the dumped-out drawers. In the kitchen I found the back door also standing wide open, and all four cats patiently sitting to their dinner dishes waiting for a snack. So everything turned out okay and my parents' insurance covered all the items that had been stolen, but I still scan the doors of any house I'm house-sitting as I drive up, desperate to assure myself that all the doors remain closed as I left them. This being the Buffy-verse, of course, things are not going to have a happy ending for Dawn. She heads up the stairs, calling for Buffy, and then peeks into Willow's room. She sees Tara's body lying on the carpet in a pool of blood. Dawn gasps, and the screen fades to white.
Rack! Oh, Rack. It's fun to see your creepy self, but your appearance smacks of Mutant Enemy randomly pulling things out of their collective ass. I haven't gone back and checked my tape of Rack's first appearance in "Wrecked," but he looks different this time, like he had his hair relaxed and blown out at the salon. Hey, whatever. Creepy magic-dealer guys gotta look good, too, right? Anyway, Rack asks his waiting room of junkies, "Who's ?" and Warren barges to the front of the line. Rack hasn't seen Warren before, but ushers him inside after Warren blathers about the "dead presidents" he has to offer. God, Warren's lines are tired. Just about as tired as I am after an entire season of this depressing crap. Warren is smug that getting a customer of Rack's to show him the way to Rack's lair for twenty dollars, but Rack bursts his bubble: "Should've haggled. Most of my customers will bring you here for five." Warren doesn't want to make with the economic small-talk, explaining that has a "situation" brought on by him trying to "do us all a favor" by eliminating the Slayer. Two thoughts here: First, how pathetic is Warren, trying to ingratiate himself by claiming he tried to kill Buffy to benefit Sunnydale's evil underground and not just himself? Second -- Warren, honey, you weren't doing Rack a favor, since Buffy's probably known all about him for, like, ten episodes, and has chosen not to do a thing. Rack says that killing the Slayer was a large undertaking for a "kid," and Warren once again tries to talk himself up by saying, "I'm not a kid! I had my own guys. The Trio? You've heard of us." Wheels turn slowly in Rack's head. "Right. What were you? A band or something?" He circles Warren slowly, and then gets up real close to his face. Turns out Warren wants "protection," because he's worried that Buffy is after him. "The Slayer is the least of your problems," says Rack, amused. "If I were you, I'd worry about the witch." Warren's all like, "The hell? Which witch?" "Um, duh? Willow?" explains Rack, and yeah, I'm making dialogue up at this point, but it's been a long, long season and this episode is deathly boring. Rack explains that Willow's very powerful, and as I'm sure you all saw in the endless promos for this episode, he says, "She's gonna blow this town apart." Oh, good. Can I help? Because then maybe there won't be a Season Seven and Marti Noxon would be unemployed. That would be a balm to my tortured sensibilities. Warren is confused as to why Willow would have a beef with him, since Buffy survived. Rack explains that somebody else is "stone cold and that is why the witch wants [Warren's] head." Apparently Willow can sense Warren's "essence" (which seems gross), and she's coming for him. Warren presses a wad of cash into Rack's hand and says that although he "has a few tricks up [his] sleeve," he wants Rack to provide some sort of magical "cover" for him. Rack can't make any guarantees on his services, then smiles that Willow is "running on pure fury." You know what might have been cool? If we'd seen Amy, still human, running on a huge exercise wheel in a cage in the corner of the room. We got random appearances from Rack and Katrina in this episode, so why not Amy?
Everybody ready for the fakest, most implausible hospital room scene this side of a Mad TV sketch? Yeah? Well, Mutant Enemy is ready to deliver! Xander looks at some sweet babies in the newborn nursery, and I wonder suddenly if the Friends finale is airing a few days early. Xander, Chandler, I'm not the first to see the parallels. Oh, wait. Xander is actually staring through one of those big picture windows they use in nurseries (at least on TV), but it actually opens into an operating room. In the operating room, a doctor is working on Buffy's left ventricle, despite the fact that her chest isn't opened for surgery and she is in fact still wearing her damn tank top. Yeah, sure. Why cut off her shirt to operate on her heart when you live in a city where the medical profession is so advanced that it can remove a brain tumor through a pore? Buffy is not hooked up to any machines or IVs; nor is she wearing an oxygen mask, and nor is there any tape or even a sterile drape over the incision they've supposedly cut into her chest. The doctor twiddles two fingertips on Buffy's chest, which signifies operating, I guess. It's like a fourth grade play in here. An assistant stands near a bank of machines and claims that Buffy's "BP is down to 80/palp," despite the fact that there are no electrodes or sensors of any sort attached to Buffy. I may not know what "80/palp" means, but I do know that heart monitors don't take readings with freakin' telepathy.
All the lights in the room flash, and the machines beep frantically as we see that Willow has entered. She's taken the time to change into all-black clothes, but in a nice touch from Wardrobe, her severe black jacket is one we've seen her wear before. She tells the operating staff to leave. And why not, since all they were doing to help was waving gauze over Buffy's throat? Everyone stares for a second; then the medical staff files out. Buffy's heart-monitor flat-lines, which is the first thing in this scene that makes sense, because it wasn't fuckin' attached to anything in the first place. Or, as the shooting script so kindly explains, because Willow's magical emissions caused it to malfunction. I like my explanation better. Xander hurries in behind Willow and frets that Buffy is going to die, but Willow blandly says she won't. Where's the Willow that Rack said was running on pure fury? I was totally looking forward to her, but instead we got gypped; all we got was Willow running on pure zombie. Willow then performs a little faith healing of her own. I wrote that, and then I guess because I've been thinking about the The X-Files ending Sunday, I thought of the first season The X-Files episode "Miracle Man." Sigh. Back when the The X-Files was still good and I cared enough to watch every week (I haven't actually seen any episodes from Season Seven on, despite it once being my most favorite show; chew on that, Mutant Enemy!) and Scott Bairstow was still cute and I wasn't a jaded bitter broken woman. The bullet levitates out of Buffy's chest. Zombie Willow stares at it and zombies, "It's so small." She closes the bullet in her fist, and when she opens her hand, it's gone. On the table, Buffy stirs and slowly sits up. She's confused as to where she is, and Xander embraces her, telling her she has to stop dying. Buffy stares at black-haired Willow, who smiles and says, "Buffy. Hey." Where's the fury? I want the fury! Willow walks out, droning that it's time to find Warren.
Warren boards a bus for the border.
Xander's little purple car speeds through the desert; Willow is sitting in the back seat, demanding, "Faster!" She then uses magic to slam the accelerator pedal to the floor. Damn, she's like the ultimate nightmare backseat driver. Buffy tells Willow to quit it and starts to bitch her out for going back to using magic. Willow zombies that if she weren't using, Buffy would be dead, but Buffy and Xander aren't persuaded. Buffy says Willow's return to magic use "isn't right," and Xander adds, "You made a decision to stop for a reason. You promised us." Turning around to peer at Willow, he wants to know what the hell's up with her hair too. Willow doesn't have time to share tonsorial tips, though, since I guess she's too busy sensing Warren's essence. She tells Xander to turn the car right, although it will lead them directly into the deserty median strip. Okay, I'll be honest. I think Willow looks really pretty in this scene with the black hair and dark make-up. On my crappy tape, her hair looks almost purple in the sunlight, and I think that would have been a much cooler and less clichéd choice than the black, as well as a shout-out to Sep, who also has purple hair and is slightly evil. Willow uses magic to turn the car across the median, and pulls it up to the road on the other side. She jumps out and marches into the middle of the road. When Buffy and Xander try to follow, she zaps them so they can't.
As Willow positions herself in the road, we see a large bus heading for her. The driver struggles with the steering wheel, and then the bus screeches to a halt right in front of Willow. We see that Warren is one of the passengers on the bus. Willow turns, very business-like, and marches to the door. It opens for her, and she commands, "Get out." Warren stands and exits the bus. He stands in front of Willow and only has the chance to say, "Please…" before she grabs his neck with her hand. She squeezes hard, and one of Warren's eyeballs pops out! But so do a few wires, which sizzle, so we realize that Willow has been chasing the Warren-bot the whole time. Careful reflection (oh, okay, I read it on the boards) leads me to believe that Rack somehow imbued the Warren-bot with Warren's essence so that Willow would chase it instead of the real thing. And I really don't want to think about what that process might have entailed.
Buffy and Xander are free of the force field and run to Willow's side. Willow's a leetle pissed that she was tricked, and she starts to stomp off towards the car, saying she's going to find Warren "another way." "And then what?" asks Buffy and Willow has the sensible reply, "And then we'll kill him." What did Buffy think Willow was just trying to do, what with the neck squeezing and all? Buffy grabs Willow's arm and spins her around, telling her to calm down. She says she's also angry about what Warren did, and Willow interrupts, "He shot Tara." Buffy and Xander stare at her like they don't, can't, understand. "I guess the last shot was the charm," drones Willow, and Xander asks, like he's talking about a fish he just caught, "She's dead?" I usually don't have any complaints about Nick Brendan's acting, but I really, really wish the director had insisted on re-shooting this scene until Nick could come up with "shocked and grief-stricken" rather than "lightly curious." Willow confirms that Tara is dead. "Now [Warren's] dead too," she concludes. I would much rather have seen Fury Willow than Cold Zombie Willow, but I do admire how much Aly Hannigan is able to modulate her voice. Her Dark Willow voice is much deeper and huskier than her normal Willow voice. Buffy's face falls, and it seems like her eyes fill with tears. Xander asked why Willow didn't mention it lo these many scenes ago, and Willow snarls, "I'm busy." She turns to go, but Buffy stops her again. "We love you. And Tara. But we don't kill humans, it's not the way." Oh, good call, Buffy. Willow really needs a sanctimonious lecture right now; that'll knock the black magic out of her for sure. Willow isn't really understanding or interested in this whole "not killing humans" thing. Buffy doesn't want her to kill Warren, since that will mean destroying herself too, and Xander warns, "You said it yourself, Will. The magic's too strong -- there's no coming back from it." "I'm not coming back," explains Willow helpfully (and a tiny bit sadly). But then she's back to coldness; she knocks Buffy and Xander down with magic as they beg her not to go. She strides off down the road, and when Buffy and Xander sit up, Willow is gone.
Buffy and Xander walk through the still open (and still giving me the willies) door of the Summers house and immediately start calling out for Willow and Dawn. Didn't anyone leave a freakin' message for Dawn? I'll say it again; this gang really needs to get with the cell phones. Maybe Sunnydale is in some weird no-coverage zone. They split up and continue to search for Dawn. Buffy gingerly enters the room where Tara's body lies. The bed blocks the view, so it is revealed verrrry slowly. Need to squeeze as much angst out of Tara's corpse as possible, I guess. Buffy stares down at Tara in sadness. Dawn, hunched in a little ball against the wall, chokes out, "I didn't want to leave her alone." Aw -- I got a sniffle out of that. Then the shard of ice refroze in my cold, cold heart and I starting wondering why the hell Dawn didn't call 9-1-1. Maybe they haven't been running enough of those PSAs in the middle of Saturday morning cartoons over the last eighteen months. Buffy tries to get Dawn to go downstairs, but Dawn's too busy with the crying and the moaning and the wah, wah, wah. Cram it, Shiny McWhiny. Huh. Why am I feeling so damn stiff? And why is it so hard to type? Oh. Right. I've obviously turned to stone.
Cut to the coroners trucking Tara's body down the stairs while Xander takes care of the particulars. The coroner mumbles some platitude of commiseration at him. Y'know, coroners sure have a tough job. Can you imagine how difficult it must be to deal with grief-stricken friends and family day in and day out? We should all remember to tip the coroners! Buffy and Dawn sit in the living room. Buffy has not only changed shirts, which is understandable, but also washed, highlighted, and styled her hair into a mass of soft, fluffy curls. God. Do you think she stood with one foot planted on either side of Tara's slowly rotting corpse to get a better look in the mirror when she was putting in those hot rollers?
Xander comes in to the living room, and then it's time for a touching vignette entitled "Why Vigilante Justice Is Wrong." If by "touching," we mean "laboriously paced and unconvincingly acted." They talk about how they need to locate Willow. Xander mentions how deader than dead Warren will be if Willow gets to him first. Dawn is all, "Good." Buffy admonishes Dawn, who retorts that Buffy should "feel that way" too. Xander has to hop on the revenge-murder express even though he should know much, much better. Buffy, looking very much like Joyce from a certain camera angle, explains that "being a Slayer doesn't give [her] a license to kill." Blah blah blah. This scene is going on FOREVER. I'm tuning out the dialogue and instead noticing that a small picture of Joyce is prominently displayed in the background of this scene. Buffy promises justice for all, but vows, "I will NOT let Willow destroy herself." Minutes of pointless exposition about where they should go first to try to find Willow. Couldn't they discuss all this while actually looking for Willow? The Magic Box? Solid plan. But who will stay with Dawn? Dawn wants to go with them. Buffy won't let her go. Too dangerous. I would like to remind the writers that including this same scene every. Single. Week. Does not count as continuity. Buffy, just start taking Dawn on patrol with you already. You simply cannot shield her from all that goes on in your life. Buffy wants Dawn to be somewhere where she feels safe (like by the Slayer's side, perhaps?), so Dawn says she wants to stay with Spike. Xander reacts visibly to this because of the very recent attempt by Spike to rape Buffy. Buffy sighs and acquiesces to Dawn's wishes. Xander jumps up and drags Buffy into the foyer to protest since, y'know, Spike tried to rape Buffy no more than twenty-four hours ago. I read somewhere that this scene is supposed to be about Buffy putting aside her personal feelings to do what's best for Dawn. I'd just like to say that if that's the case, you might want to have the heroine look like she's even slightly put off by the idea. Just a suggestion. Buffy says she doesn't have a choice, but obviously she does. Like bringing Dawn with her, or leaving her at Janice's.
Pan up on Stevenson Hall. Willow is in Tara's room, fondling the shirt she was wearing when Tara was shot. She arranges it on the floor and starts casting a spell to guide her to Warren. The bloodstains begin to form a map of the area, which is a kinda neat effect until a cheap, glowing dot of CGI pinpoints Warren's location. Then it's just as lame as everything else in this episode.
At Spike's crypt, the telly is showing some old movie. As Buffy and Dawn enter, they startle poor Clem into dropping his snacks and exclaiming, "Suffering cats!" After a few pleasantries, he expositions that Spike is out of town and he's house-sitting. He offers them refreshments. Buffy takes the news of Spike's departure oddly, then asks if Clem can do her a favor and look after Dawn for a little while. Clem is amenable to this, and to seemingly every other idea. He suggests renting some videos and then offers up the "comfy chair." Aw. Clem is about the only thing I'm enjoying in this episode. Buffy kisses Dawn goodbye, but pauses at the door to ask if Spike said when he'd be back. Oh, what-ever. I'm so steamed that they're playing this as if Buffy is pining after Spike for some reason. As soon as I get my eyes unstuck from rolling them so hard, I'll be continuing the recap.
A dark sky. A low hanging moon. An arthritic tree. Incessantly beating drums. Spike tries to effect a manly stride through the deserts of what is supposed to be Africa but is so, SO obviously a set in Burbank. I've been to California enough times to know beach sand when I see it. I cannot even describe the poor production values of this scene. Suffice it to say that it's about as close to Africa as I am right now. Which to say, NOT AT ALL. Spike walks past a hut and into a cave. He flicks open his Zippo to reveal finger paintings done by some very disturbed pre-schoolers on the walls. It's also the only interesting thing about his scene in light of future events. Let's see! I spy a painting of a guy with his mouth sewn shut, and another of someone who looks like his skin has been flayed off. Hmmmm. A voice rings out of the darkness: "You seek me, vampire?" Hey, it's the movie preview guy! What's he doing in Little Kenya on the Beach? Spike banters about the paintings a bit but then cops to the fact that yeah, he's been looking for this demon of the green glowy eyes and deep-throated voice. Deep-Throaty Demon looks about as expensive and impressive as a Dr. Who monster, which is to say, not. Goofy-looking monsters in caves always remind me of Dr. Who. Signs of a misspent youth. Deep-Throaty Demon is also lurking in the shadows, which you might assume is intended to make him scarier but instead just seems to indicate that the crew knew how cheesy this cardboard and trash-bag demon was and opted to show us as little of it as possible. Deep-Throaty Demon muses, "Something about a woman. The Slayer." Spike has to act all macho in front of his new buddy and sneers, "Bitch thinks she's better than me." Our "Bitch" Count is now up to three! And then Spike complains about the chip, which has ruined his whole unlife. Deep-Throaty Demon isn't really fooled, though, taunting Spike with, "This is what she's reduced you to." And then he laughs about how Spike has been castrated. God, I wish. Literally. Then I would have been spared so much Spuffy shagging earlier this season. Deep-Throaty Demon says that Spike would never be able to survive the trials necessary to be "restored" to what he was before. I'm just going to ignore the part where he called Spike a "dark warrior," because I don't think we need any of that epic Angel talk over here on our little Party of Five with demons. Spike is all, "Bring it on." If he passes all of these tests, he'll get what he came for. "Bitch is gonna see a change," he says threateningly. Four! Four "bitches" for the "Bitch" Counter.
Pan across the table of books at the Magic Box. Xander helps Anya over to a seat while Anya explains that Willow was already there. Anya's pants look like they were fashioned out of some 1950s doilies. And Anya -- about that Peter Pan collar? My mom used to dress me like that. Your mom's been dead for over a thousand years. What's your excuse? Xander begins to explain about Tara, but it's old news for Anya. Xander wants to know if there's a locator spell that she could help with, but Anya reveals that she doesn't need a spell, since Willow's pain is enough for her to feel the witch. Xander is confused, thinking that this is a vestige of her demon days, but Anya tells him that it's "not left over." Xander shakes his head and asks, "When?" "When do you think?" snits Anya. Their burgeoning quarrel is interrupted by Buffy's entrance. Xander quickly brings her up to speed on Anya's status and then snidely wonders why Anya isn't with Willow, making with the vengeance, since she's on the clock. Anya primly explains that Willow doesn't want her. Buffy correctly concludes that Willow is more into a hands-on approach, then declares all no-nonsense that they're short on time and asks Anya which "side" she's on. Anya stands and declares, "I'll help. But I'm helping Willow. She's close to him. He's in the woods." Anya looks really pretty in this scene. From the neck up, that is.
Which brings us to the woods. Trees tremble in Willow's presence. Warren runs. See Warren run. Willow stalks. See Willow stalk. Wait a second. Warren got Rack to fix up the 'bot with his essence to throw Willow off his trail, and put the 'bot on a bus out of town, so he could attempt to leave Sunnydale on foot, instead of maybe hopping an immediately departing international flight to anywhere? Moron. Willow monotone threatens, "Run all night, Warren. I'll still find…" An axe in the back apparently. Commercial.
Warren stares at Willow's prone body as it…rises. Willow pulls the axe out of her own back, and I'm more impressed that she was able to get the leverage to do that than I am that she survived it. What follows is the clunkiest line of dialogue on Buffy EVER. "Axe is not gonna cut it," grits Willow. Jesus, Mary, Joseph, and the goddamned camel! Could someone please remind the staff that they are professional writers? Warren takes off running, and Willow gives chase. Warren pulls a cube out of his backpack and activates it. It flies off to find Willow, and as soon as it gets right to her, it explodes. Time slows down enough for Willow to not only notice that something is exploding but also to say, "Freeze" before the blast radius is halfway complete. The explosion turns harmlessly into ice that shatters to the touch. Warren runs. Thinks he's safe, but then runs headlong into Willow. He starts to literally and figuratively backpedal, claiming, "It was an accident, you know." Willow doesn't even sound interested as she zombies, "Oh, you mean instead of killing my best friend, you killed my girlfriend." Well, yeah. That about sums it up. Warren runs, and Willow zaps him in the back with some lightning. He then throws some glob of goo at her that slows her down for a whole five seconds before she melts it with her eyes. Willow says something in Latin, or that's what I'm assuming. Whenever I hear a language on Buffy that I don't recognize and isn't being spoken by a demon, I just assume it's Latin. Either way, it's all Greek to me. Heh. The trees throw out tendrils that grab Warren's wrists and ankles and hold him spread-eagled.
Willow approaches Warren, who has the gall or presence of non-mind to tell her that she's "really asking for it," and furthermore, he's going to make her "beg to go join [her] little girlfriend." For some reason not at all discernable to any kind of logic we employ on this planet, this makes Willow realize that Tara wasn't the first person that Warren has murdered. Warren tries to play dumb. Of course, that's not really a stretch for a guy who has just seen the enraged lover of the girl he shot pull an axe out of her own back and still thinks that he has any chance of making it to sunrise. Willow spits, "Reveal!" and lo, there is a vision of Katrina. Who serves no purpose whatsoever, although I am happy to see her (even dead and wearing gray lipstick) because she's a cool chica. Katrina does make Warren a little uncomfortable, and he finally flips out when she asks him, "How could you say you loved me and then do that to me?" Survey says! "Because you deserved it, bitch." Five! Five magnificent uses of the word "bitch" for our "Bitch" Counter. Anyway, Warren obviously has woman issues. Which I'm not going to go into, because they bore me. God, this scene, which by all rights should be electric, leaves me somnolent. Willow? Monotone is not synonymous with eeeevil. Warren? You are tied up and at the mercy of a very powerful witch whose girlfriend you accidentally killed in an attempt to kill her best friend. Have the decency to ACT like you might be a little frightened. And no, bouncing up and down like the soles of your shoes are made from recycled super-balls does NOT qualify.
Buffy, Xander, and Anya pace through the woods with Anya giving updates. They're close. Warren is still alive.
Finally Warren buys a clue and starts to scream for help. Willow reveals the bullet she took from -- Tara's? Buffy's? -- body, and rips Warren's shirt open with a flick of the wrist. ["Please, please let her shave his chest as part of this torture." -- Sep] ["Really? I'm all right with a hairy chest. It's a hairy neck that really squicks me out. Wait -- why am I asiding in my own recap? Sep is the time thief that picks the pocket of my recap." -- Ace] Willow places the bullet in front of Warren's torso and uses magic to float it towards him, then slowly bores it into his chest. As she does this, Willow prattles on about the destruction that the bullet is causing in his body, while Warren looks like he's not getting as much of a refund from the IRS as he hoped. "Oh. Please. Stop. God." Ben Steins Warren. Willow hushes him with an "I'm talking" and sews his mouth shut for good measure. She's not done telling him how painful this is going to be. And not just for the audience. When I saw Warren's stitched mouth in the preview, the first thing I thought of was the Dust Witch in Something Wicked This Way Comes who has her eyes stitched shut, and I experienced a little shiver of delight, because that is a fantastic book that scared the crap outta me when I was younger. Then I had the misfortune to actually sit through this episode, and I hereby rescind any and all comparisons between Mutant Enemy's empty, flaccid stories and Ray Bradbury's oeuvre.
Willow, Anya, and Xander come upon the scene. Willow unzips Warren's lips to allow him to beg for his life. He does. "Willow!" calls out Buffy from the crest of the hill. Willow's attention is momentarily diverted, but then she looks back at Warren. "Bored now," she pronounces (and I know just what she means) and then waves her hand, ripping all the skin off of his body. Except that she helpfully left his pants on. Probably because she's a lesbian. Except for the pants, this effect was very competently done. Buffy, Xander, and maybe even Anya are suitably appalled. I'm just kinda sleepy. Willow immolates Warren in front of her friends, monotones, "One down," and then disappears herself. Huh. Who knew that such a compelling story line could be turned into this dreck?