Doublemeat Palace

Buffy's being trained on the counter. God, are we still in the damn restaurant? Fast food makes me break out in hives. Greg orders her to fill a drink cup while he assembles the rest of an order. Buffy makes a quip about drug testing, which Greg thinks is funny, but he also thinks she should cut it out because Manny thinks, "Levity is the time thief that picks the pocket of a company." Huh. Manny sounds like a latter-day Ben Franklin. ["And I have just HAD IT with Ben Franklin. That guy just really cheeses me off." -- Sep] Buffy retorts, "I prefer the one that goes: Manny is a humorless dolt that picks the pocket of he-should-bite-me." Oh my. I guess it hasn't really hit me before how deep into a well of depression Buffy has sunk. Her punning is far below its usual standards. Greg's head almost explodes from the insubordination, but luckily there's a long line of customers to attend to and he's able to wrap himself in the soothing blanket of never-ending repetitive drudgery. customer: An unassuming older woman who orders a small coffee and cherry pie. Obviously, she must be EVIL. Fast food pie is rank. Greg pushes the appropriate picture buttons. Buffy worries that she won't be able to keep up with the extensive button-pushing. Because a girl who is used to making life-and-death decisions in the blink of an eye would naturally be afeared of pressing a number of pictographs in a logical sequence. Greg explains the procedure in great and excruciating detail. So much so that I'm pretty sure that I could fill in should it be necessary to call me up from the Doublemeat reserves. Greg tells her to take the customers. The guy orders, but Buffy is deeply confused by all the buttons becausewell, just because. Don't make waves, people. Criticism is the thief that robs enjoyment of filler episodes of a show that used to be good and worth scheduling your Tuesday nights around, but now lately causes you to mumble defensively, "I have to watch Buffy tonight," while coughing into your hand and hoping that a semi-truck comes by that makes the other person think you said "Gilmore Girls," because what kind of FOOL would stay home to watch a show that makes you a part of the fast food experience in real time. Whew. I have to take a breath. Oh, and if you're one of the people that is still enjoying this season, I didn't mean it when I called you a fool earlier. I'm just jealous. Buffy is tired too. She's on a break. She eats! Later, Buffy opens the walk-in freezer, but is caught by Manny who tells her, "Curiosity killed the cat." "Theory number five: cat burgers," muses Buffy to herself.

Ace: Verdict?
Sep: Bored. Bored to tears. I cried. Wet, sloppy tears of boredom.
Ace: Huh. It didn't majorly offend me.
Sep: Bored. No other word for it. Unless I use one of the many synonyms for "bored."
Ace: Well at least it didn't make me want to pluck out my own eyes.
Sep: No, but I certainly wanted to close mine for, like, a thousand years.

Later, the gang shows up to "support [Buffy's] subsistence-level employment." Buffy starts to explain how odd things are at the Palace de Doublemeat while Willow gets twitchy with the straws. Because she's an addict. Remember? The camera helpfully shows a close-up of Willow's hands fiddling with the straws, because we are slack-jawed morons that cannot be trusted to pick up on background movement. Xander pooh-poohs Buffy's concerns about her new place of employment by telling her that she's "seeing demons where there's just life." Uh, yeah, Xander. Because Buffy is never, ever right when she gets a strange feeling about things, and you have never, ever wrongly dismissed her suspicions before. After being stupidly flippant, Xander decides to order some food. While Buffy is getting his Doublemeat Medley, Anya suggests getting fast food for her wedding reception, thus showing us that maybe she's not as integrated into society as we all thought. She then explains the tacky choice away by saying that time is running short for wedding preparations, and she had thought that Willow was going to conjure them some festivities, "but now that's all been blown to hell." Willow protests with, "Standing right here! Standing right exactly here." Oh, cram it, Red. Go pick up the conjure pipe. Buffy brings Xander his meal, telling him she "double-sized it." Xander takes a big bite right there at the counter. I groan and clutch my stomach. Buffy continues, "And cut way back on the cat. Just kidding. Probably." Heh.

Nighttime. Still at the damned restaurant. Buffy goes over to talk to automaton Gina, but has to wave her hand in her face to get her attention. She says that she's going to take another break because it's so slow. Gina advises her not to. Y'know who these fast food workers remind me of? The spirit-sucked serfs in the hell dimension in "Anne." I think that's sayin' something. Something that anyone who has ever donned a hairnet as a condition of employment already knows. Gina points out a new customer, thus putting the kibosh on Buffy's break plans. This new customer is, of course, Spike, who has again fallen into the Gap. Or started ordering his clothes from the dELiA*s catalog, which is very fond of that "space-dyed" stuff that looks like a dog barfed on it. To paraphrase Willow, that shirt is skanky and I think it's kinda gay. Buffy tells Spike to go away. He tells her, "You chose to be in the consumer service profession and I'm a consumer." With a little smirk and lilt he finishes, "Service me." Heh. Okay, I admit it that I cracked a smile at that one. Buffy isn't finding it quite as amusing, though, and tells him to "order something or go." Throwaway reference to fluorescent lights and the "something wrong" with Buffy that I assume we'll get an explanation of later in the season. Then Spike leans in and gets serious: "Buffy. You're not happy here." Looking about to cry, Buffy pleads, "Please don't make this harder." "You don't belong here," Spike continues. "You're better than this." Buffy protests that she "need[s] the money." Spike offers to get Buffy money, and asks her to leave the restaurant with him, gesturing his head towards the door. Buffy remains resolute, saying she needs to assist Gary with the fries, but Spike grabs her arm: "This place will do stuff to you. This place'll kill you!" Oh, please! Why are all vampires such drama queens? I mean, really! "Oi must have a Judge destroi the woirld for moi boithday!" "Darla needs a room with a view!" "Working fast food will kill you!" I think vampires must be very wearing people to know, what with the constant histrionics and exaggerations. And while I think Spike is genuinely concerned about Buffy's welfare, I just have to laugh at the idea of her taking job advice from a guy who has never, ever, in the one hundred and forty or so years he's walked this Earth, held a job. Maybe he should just shut his never-gainfully-employed mouth and let Buffy make her own choices and mistakes. Plus, while I think Buffy could choose, and get, any number of jobs more suited to her temperament, I'm really turned off by Spike's latent elitism. He loves Buffy, she's special, therefore a minimum-wage food service job will kill her? Please. It's just fast food, not coal mining. She won't enjoy it, it won't put much in her bank account, but it's not like she's above it. It's a perfectly legitimate way to earn a living. Not that Spike would know anything about earning a living.

This is the point where I was going to tell you about the horrible job I got rehabilitating dirty old pillows collected out of dorms during summer break when I was about twenty-one, and didn't have any job experience and not a lot of self-confidence. And I was going to tell you how it was awful and strange working in the basement laundry room of a dorm, washing pillow covers that students had been drooling (and God-knows-what-else-ing) on all year, and I ended up with a severe case of bronchitis due to all the particulates that came out of ancient feather pillows and matted, stained "cotton" fiber pillows and partially broken-down into orange powder foam pillows and the doctor I went to see wouldn't believe I had bronchitis, but kept insisting that I was just having an asthma attack while I wheezed and whuffled in his examining room. But I won't. Instead, I'll just say that that was a job that could have killed me. Well, only in combination with the terrible medical care I was receiving from my HMO, but I think you see my point. Having a crappy job at twenty or twenty-one ain't the end of the world and can often be quite the motivation to go out and get something better.

Cut to the alley. Gary is taking out the trash -- or going out to have sex with Spike, I'm really not sure. There's a rumbling behind the trashcan. Gary calls out, "Is someone there?" Uh oh. It's monster-cam. I sense that things will not go well for Gary. He seems to recognize whomever he sees and is genuinely unafraid until, for some reason, he starts screaming. His little hat flies off and hits the pavement while the camera follows. Hey, at least you can't hear the background music over the screaming. I'll have to try a few ritual sacrifices time the score really gets on my nerves.

morning. Buffy clocks in. Creepy coworker seems surprised to see her. "You came back," he monotones. She's again startled by Manny, who tells her that Gary is missing, so that means Buffy is on grill. Buffy tries to convince him that Gary's coming back, but Manny, it seems, is used to these mysterious disappearances. Buffy protests that she doesn't know how to grill. "Just think," says Manny with what almost looks like a smile. "This is the last day you'll ever be able to say that." HA!

Buffy. Grill. Again with the buttons and the waaaay overdone instructions. Mmmm. Let's watch all that meat cook. On second thought, let's not. Let's shut our eyes and give our stomachs a little breather. Buffy again asks about the secret ingredient, and is again stonewalled with the "meat process. It's a process that they do to the meat" answer. Gratuitous meat shot. Grill guy is creepy. He says "nostrils" funny, like "nosss-trillls." He has grease in his ears. Why the HELL am I recapping this? Buffy is called away from the grill by Manny. She's already been chosen as a winner in the double-shift sweepstakes. Manny attempts to pacify her with the offer of "an extra free Doublemeat Medley." Which I guess could mean that Buffy was giving Xander one of the meals she gets for free earlier, so he wasn't a big mooch. In keeping with the focus on minutia this episode has inspired, Sep tells me that California actually has laws regarding overtime and that Buffy would be compensated at 1.5 times her normal rate of pay for hours over eight and up to twelve, and at 2.0 times her normal rate of pay for anything over twelve hours in a single day. Ah, that Sep. Such a font of useless information. But we love her anyway. Buffy argues a little, but is interrupted by the arrival of the meat. No, not Spike. One of her coworkers slams a big bag of meat process on the table to her. Ominous.

Xander. Non-basement of non-debasement. He hangs up the phone and calls out to Anya that he "might have to go" -- presumably to take care of Dawn since Buffy is burning the midnight fry grease -- but he's interrupted by a curly-haired woman in a cape, Clothestime kinderwhore top, and vein-y face. She scarily intones that she has been called to wreak vengeance. Anya wanders in from the bedroom to ask Xander's opinion about some wedding nonsense. Xander points out the scary demon in their living room. No, the other one that is not Anya. Anya recognizes her friend Halfrek immediately, but it takes Hallie a minute before realizes it's Anya, and the two former co-workers share a squealy, dancy hug. Anya explains that she summoned Halfrek to invite her to the wedding. Xander quickly leaves because he's uncomfortable with the high demon quotient. Hallie explains that the message was garbled. "You know how it is," she explains conspiratorially, "half the time I have no idea if I'm even maiming the right guy." Oh, THAT'S comforting. Halfrek quickly moves on to the topic of Xander. She pointedly asks why Anya is marrying him, and when Anya replies matter-of-factly, "Well I love him," Hallie gives only a pointed "Hmm" in reply.

Oh, man. We're back at the Doublemeat. Buffy takes a bucket of fries out of the grease, and suddenly the grease boils violently without anything in it. How odd. And pointless. Can't forget the pointless. Buffy is relieved from her fry duties for a break. And apparently Buffy deserves a break today, as the shot shows that she's having it her way. With Spike. Having sex. In an alley. By a dumpster. Behind the fast food restaurant. In which Buffy works. Oh, that's low. This is not going to go anywhere good. And from the look of utter emptiness on Buffy's face, she knows it, too.

Willow is lying on her bed, trying to study. I could never study lying on my stomach. It always messed up my circulation, and I'm not fond of positions that require me to support my own head. Too much work. There's a knock at the door. It's Amy. Will is uncomfortable at seeing her because, y'know, the temptation and all, but Amy is just there because she wants to pick up her old cage. For what reason, I do not know, but it makes me think that Amy is kinda twisted. Amy tries to casually mention to Willow that she's heard about the whole "cold turkey" thing. Willow says that she's doing fine and getting her focus back. Amy gives a pointed look at the book Willow was studying -- the whole page is highlighted. Willow mutters, "It's a pivotal page." Willow closes her textbook and sits up. "So this is it, huh? This is gonna be your life from now on?" goads Amy. Willow looks around frantically and protests, "No." Amy continues in her pusher persona and twists the knife, saying that Willow will never again feel the way magic made her feel. Or Rack's magic, or dark magic, or whatever in God's name we're supposed to be talking about here. Amy then crouches to her former home and says, "Hey, Will? It's your birthday." Willow is confused, because it isn't, but as Amy leaves the room with the cage she says, "Potestas." Blue energy shoots out of Amy and into Willow, who then gets the huge, black eyes and crackling fingers of bad, addictive-type magic. Willow is shocked, and as Amy looks on appraisingly, Willow touches a vase and then a lamp, destroying them both instantly. Amy starts to smug her way out of the room, telling Willow, "It's a gift. It's magic." Uh, yeah. I think we figured that out. "And it didn't come from you. It came from me. Completely legal. Enjoy!" She saunters out, leaving Willow all black-eyed and gasping frantically. Oh, those bad, bad junkie friends who steal from you and then can't stand that you might be going straight, so they come by your house and shoot you up against your will while holding a Habitrail. I think we've all had bad, bad friends like that, haven't we?

Shouldn't Amy be a little more jacked up at this point? I mean, I think the last time we saw her, she was breaking into Buffy's house stealing kitchen herbs; now she's looking all glossy, healthy, and sassy. Maybe Willow didn't need to quit after all, huh?

Doublemeat Palace. Hamburger slowly mushes out of the spout of the meat grinder. Buffy watches as the blades spin in the hopper. More ground meat trickles out in disgusting meaty dribbles. My forehead breaks out in one of those cold sweats you get when you have the stomach flu. Buffy leans down and, without donning gloves of any sort, reaches right into the ground beef and starts digging around. She unearths the world's fakest severed finger. I've seen severed fingers on sale at Walgreen's for Halloween that were more effectively creepy than this thing. I've seen carrots that looked more like a severed finger than this prop. Anyway, Buffy plucks out the big stiff fake finger and rushes into Manny's office, where Manny is hanging an inspirational poster that says, "Dedication." The picture, however, appears to be of a pothole in a road at night. I think this poster was the most amusing thing in the whole episode. I mean, it didn't make me laugh out loud or anything, but I liked looking at it and thinking about it. In fact, the first time I watched this episode, I spent most of the rest of this scene looking at the poster and thinking, and I missed Buffy waving the severed carrot around and yelling at Manny about her suspicions that the missing workers are ending up as the secret ingredient in the beef patties. Manny suggests that the finger is Gary's and he got himself to the hospital, but Buffy's having none of it. She rushes out into the restaurant and starts throwing people's trays of food on the ground, yelling, "Stop eating! No, you can't eat this! It's not beef! It's people!" She continues to rant about the meat layer being people as Manny and another worker grab her by the arms and start to drag her out of the seating area. "Probably not the chicken-y part. But who knows? Who knows!" Buffy yells, pointing her finger at the curious crowd. Suddenly the little old lady bustles through the crowd and, holding out a deep-fried cherry pastry, demands, "What about the cherry pie?"

During the commercial break -- a commercial for Jack in the Box. I groan and hold my stomach. Especially after the close-up of their two-patty burger. Ugh.

Back at the Doublemeat Palace, Buffy struggles with the employees holding her arms and throws them off, rather more vigorously than a normal girl her size should be able to. Manny is upset because he thought Buffy was "part of the team" and tells her, "You are fired." Buffy makes an "I'm sure I don't care!" face and stomps out of the place.

At Xanya's, Hallie spoons something (I was going to say sugar, but it's never safe to assume with demons) into her tea and asks Anya to tell her more about Xander. Anya seems a little disturbed by her friend's curiosity and asks, "Do you think I'm making a mistake?" When Hallie replies, "Do you?" Anya protests that she's very happy with Xander and gives a list of his attributes: kind, brave, nice smile, nice body, and he loves her. "Sometimes it isn't easy, but he does [love me]," Anya concludes. Hallie incredulously asks, "Who told you that it isn't easy to love you?" Weeeeell, this is a little interesting. I'd be a lot more interested if this conversation had happened last year, and if I cared at all about Anya and Xander as characters anymore, but still, it seems like we might actually get an acknowledgement of Xander's low-level disdain for his girlfriend here. Anya attempts to explain how Xander admonishes her, and then asks Hallie, "Do you think there's something wrong with the way he treats me?" Sounding an awful lot like therapists I have known, Hallie then replies, "Do you?" This agitates Anya a little, and she protests that she loves Xander and he doesn't actually think he knows better than her. Hallie says she understands, and that Anya need not discuss it any further if she's "not comfortable." What a manipulator she is! "It's not like I'm hiding any deficiencies or anything," protests Anya, to which Hallie just replies, "Hmm!"

Xander and Dawn are playing Go Fish at Der Zauber Kasten when Buffy shows up and tosses some wrapped fast food on the table in front of them. She's pissy because she called an emergency meeting and only ended up with Dawn and Xander. I guess I'd be pissy too. Heh. Low blow, but too easy to pass up. Buffy, who has changed into a cute outfit of a black muscle t-shirt and black pants, wants to know where Willow and Anya are. Dawn explains that she knocked on Willow's door but didn't get an answer, and of course we all know where Anya is at the moment. Not even displaying any interest in Buffy's emergency, Xander just wants to talk about whether Buffy ever saw Anya with her true vengeance demon face. He's creeped out by Hallie's appearance. Buffy ignores all this blather (and really, since Anya is human now, it should hardly matter to Xander what she used to look like) and just snaps, "There's something wrong at the Doublemeat Palace. Really wrong!" Buffy flounces over to the counter; Dawn follows, wondering why Buffy smells funny. Dawn guesses that Buffy's been fighting a demon, but it's actually Doublemeat stench. Buffy sniffs her hair and rants about how she just tried to do something normal, get a normal job, and instead she ended up right back where she started, "Blood and death and funky smells." She digs around in her purse and pulls out a paper napkin. Inside is the severed carrot, which she just shows to Dawn, grumping, "Look what I found, near the grinder." Dawn is disgusted, and I'm skeptical that the finger, which has left a bloody smear on the napkin, would still be bleeding, like, twenty-four hours after it was cut off. Buffy explains that she thinks the finger might be Gary's and that he might have been ground up as the secret ingredient in the Doublemeat beef patty. She proposes that they analyze the burger she's brought to see if it contains "people." "What? People?" says Xander with his mouth full, and swallows hard. Oops -- he can't believe he ate the whole thing. Buffy and Xander bicker about him having eaten her evidence, and he's hurt that she's not more concerned that he just downed a whole bunch of people parts.

Willow finally comes rushing in, apologizing for being so late. I notice that Dawn is wearing an astoundingly ugly shirt, with brown jersey-style sleeves that are shirred where they meet the chest and featuring a random pattern of brown and tan kitten heads. Dawn makes a cranky face at Willow. I make a cranky face at Dawn's Wet Seal top. Xander does a burp-talk thing that further queases me out and then Willow, trying to act normal, picks up a pencil off the table, which immediately goes flaccid in her hand. I'm not going to make any lesbian jokes there. No sir, I'm not. Willow guiltily stuffs the limp pencil in her purse (again, not making any jokes) and flutters about for an update. Dawn explains that the "Doublemeat Medley is people." Xander burps again. My delicate stomach can't take this kind of hard-core entertainment. Buffy speculates that Doublemeat Palaces all over California are probably serving people parts, and says the gang needs to "bring down the whole corporation." Willow offers to start analyzing what's left of the burger, making very sure to point out that she will do so "with science." Buffy approves, and since it's after closing time at the restaurant, she heads out to see if she can find any information there. Willow still seems rather frazzled, so Dawn asks if she feels okay. Willow dissembles that she's merely worried about Buffy.

All is dark at the Doublemeat Palace. Buffy, followed by a wobbly hand-held camera, pokes around. She peeks into the freezer, but narrowly avoids the Clich Demon, which usually locks girls in freezers in horror movies. Kneeling down, Buffy checks the meat grinder, which is empty, and then hears a clanking noise. She thinks it might be Manny and goes to check. However, she slips on something and falls down. She stands up holding the world's fakest prop since the severed finger -- Manny's severed foot, still in its saddle shoe. The stump end looks like it was smeared with strawberry jam. Buffy sadly stares at the bad prop. It makes us sad too, Buffy.

At Der Zauber Kasten, Willow has a little science lab set up and is telling herself, under her breath, that she doesn't need magic to work on the problem. Xander and Dawn are sitting over at the counter, and Dawn tells Xander, "My friend Janice, her sister's a lawyer." Xander thinks Dawn means he should sue the Doublemeat Palace, but Dawn has other things on her mind. She's thinking about the dearth of good career paths for Buffy to follow; she'll never "be a lawyer or a doctor. Anything big." Oh, man! Ouch. Xander seems to be thinking along the same lines as I am and protests, "She's the Slayer. She saves the whole world. That's way bigger." I didn't think much of this scene at all the first time through, most likely because I was in the bathroom looking for something to soothe my stomach, but on second viewing, it really has me thinking. The show and the audience used to view Buffy as the outsider hero, the misunderstood champion, the incredibly special girl who longed to be normal, the valiant one whose calling was so important. But the show has slowly moved away from that, especially this season, and we've mostly had Buffy as the sad woman who can't change or do much, who is stuck in a depressing, stressful life, sometimes making the best of a crappy deal, and sometimes making the worst of it. I think many fans miss Hero Buffy and aren't very interested in Ineffectual Buffy, and I'm probably one of them, but that's not where I'm going with this ramble. What I'm actually wondering about is the end destination of this plot. Buffy is now so stripped of her superhero status that her little sister, who worshipped her last year, now judges Buffy by the standards of normal society and laments that she will never be anything "big." I'm just starting to wonder if somehow we aren't heading for a season finale in which Buffy loses her Slayer powers and becomes the "just normal" person she's always wanted to be.

But enough about my head. Dawn responds to Xander by saying that she feels she herself has a world of possibility ahead of her, whereas Buffy has only "minimum wage" stuff to look forward. "For her, this is it." I really don't know why Dawn, Buffy, and possibly the creators of this show have come to the conclusion that Buffy can only work crap jobs. On the boards, we've thought of plenty of jobs for Buffy that would enable her to make money, be active and help people, and still patrol at night, and none of them were "fast food counter help." Xander, who is either an incredibly insensitive boor or made very uncomfortable by this conversation, replies, "Okay, but maybe you'll be a lawyer or a doctor and you can use all your money to support your deadbeat sister." Dawn will never be a lawyer or a doctor if she continues to blow off school the way she has been this season. Dawn snarks that Xander hasn't helped much, and I'm appalled that he would call his friend, who has saved his and the world's ass more times than we can mention, a "deadbeat." Which is why I hope he was just uncomfortable and making a dumb joke, because otherwise I'd have to call for a truck to hit him immediately. I mean, Dawn helping Buffy a little financially wouldn't really even put a dent in the fact that Buffy killed herself so Dawn could live, right?

Over at the table, Willow calls out that she's found something. Dawn and Xander come over, and Xander needles Willow about whether she's been using potions. Willow insists she's been using chemistry, not magic, and grits out, "You can tell by how damn slow it is." Willow has mixed a solution that should react to human blood, and as she prepares the sample, Anya rushes into the store. Xander and Anya bicker about Hallie, and Xander sticks his foot in his mouth by seeking reassurance that Anya didn't resemble Hallie back in the day. Anya gets her back up about that, but they're interrupted by Willow, who is ready to test the solution. And makes very sure to point out that she's not using magic to do so. Yawn. As Willow peers into the microscope, Xander and Anya bicker some more. Willow doesn't see a reaction in the sample, which proves that the meat is "not human." Anya speculates that the meat could be from demons, a practice to which she is opposed, "no matter how much money it saves." Willow says she might be seeing "cellulose" through the microscope, and then opines, "There's something weird here."

Over at the Doublemeat Palace, Buffy is continuing her search, still carrying Manny's false foot. She spots what she thinks is a scalp, but then figures out that it's a wig. "Wig Lady?" she wonders, picking the thing up and referring to the old lady who likes cherry pies. Behind her, said lady, sporting a totally bald dome, frets, "Oh dear. 'Wig Lady'? Is that what they call me?" She says she doesn't like the name and that she needs to do something to hide "this." "This" being a long, thick demon which pops out of her head and squeals at Buffy. Let me amend that. It's a long, thick, snake-like demon with a head shaped just like a penis, that squeals at Buffy and then sprays liquid out of its mouth and onto her. Just think about that for a minute. I know I did. And kudos to whichever of our posters renamed the restaurant, and this episode, "Doublemeat Phallus." Because that's damn funny, and I wish I had thought of it myself. Buffy stumbles away from the squealing, pointy-toothed phallus demon.

As Buffy tries to get away, the villain enjoys her moment in the sun in the time-honored way -- by blathering on about her methods and motivations. She loves to eat the Doublemeat employees because they're so full of burgers and "slide down so smooth." Buffy falls to the floor and then whangs Dickhead the Demon with a metal tray. Outside, it appears that Willow has come to check on Buffy and tell her about the content of the meat patties. However, she finds the doors of the restaurant locked, so she tries to contact Buffy by using the speaker on the drive-through. As Buffy flails around inside, evading Dickhead by crawling under the food prep counters, Willow tells her that the burgers are made from vegetable matter, and then segues into confessing that Amy zapped her with magic. Willow used it for herself, and now she feels "shaky and like [she] need[s] it." Dickhead, with its veiny, ropy neck and smooth-domed head, squeals at Buffy. She hides, but Wig Lady pulls her out from under the table and sets her on her feet. Dickhead begins to munch on Buffy's shoulder and I, in a haze of boredom, wonder why it doesn't just go right for her throat. I mean, shoulders are all bony, and chewing on them doesn't do much to slow a half-paralyzed person down. By contrast, throats are all soft and squishy and biting one pretty much takes care of the victim's struggling right away. Buffy tries to reach a weapon and ends up turning on the meat grinder. Willow, alarmed by the noise inside, has managed to find a way into the restaurant, and she runs up behind the Wig Lady. Buffy just stands there and doesn't say anything as Willow narrowly misses Dickhead's paralyzing ejaculation. Are Buffy's vocal cords paralyzed at this point, or has she just been seized by a terrible case of ennui? Dickhead and the Wig Lady turn back to Buffy, but Willow pops up again, this time with a cleaver. "Missed me!" she snarls, and cuts Dickhead off near his base. Buffy, the Wig Lady, and Dickhead all fall to the floor. Buffy tries to stab the still-squealing Dickhead with a plastic knife, but Willow further saves the day by picking the thing up and throwing it into the meat grinder. As a2zmom said on the boards, this episode has taught us all that "if a big penis monster comes after you, get a lesbian to whack it." Hee. Willow is all excited at having saved Buffy until she catches sight of the green goo splurping out of the grinder. "Ew," say Buffy, Willow, and Ace in unison.