WARNING: This recap contains bile. Bile is a corrosive and caustic substance. Please avoid recap if you have sensitive skin. To perform a patch test, apply a small amount to the inside of your elbow and watch for 24 hours. If no negative reactions occur, you may continue.
I'd just like to say that I've had a pretty darn awful day. It appears that all of my major appliances are trying to oust me in some sort of bloodless coup. I woke up this morning and went to start my car. My car would not start. Okay. Fine. Not the best start to my day, but I finally get it going and drop it off at the garage. The verdict? A new starter, and they found that two of my tires are cracked and need to be replaced. So sorry, they're over the warranty by one. Forking. Month. Back at home, I'm ready to settle into a big comforting breakfast. So I open the fridge to find that at some point during the night my fridge had some sort of mid-life crisis and decided that it doesn't want to be a fridge anymore so much as a big, hulking, useless metal eyesore. The few hundred dollars of groceries I had bought just yesterday? Spoiling. Since then I've been trying to eat as much of my food as possible so I won't feel like I threw scads of money out the window. I managed to choke down half a pound of roast beef, half a block of cheddar cheese, a quart or so of tangerine juice, an entire salad-in-a-bag salad, an enchilada casserole, a head of bok choy, a bag of baby carrots, three yogurts, and an entire package of smoked salmon. That's like 7,000 spite calories. As you can imagine, before this episode even started I was already bloated and slightly ill.
Previously on Buffy: Spike and Buffy grimace together, but Buffy claimed to be sickened at herself. Hop-headed Will took Dawn perambulating on the pathetic side and then had a little accident. Everybody was all disgusted with Willow, who promised she wouldn't do any more spells. The three stooges stole a big fat diamond.
Summers house. Buffy and Dawn are clearing Willow's room of magical equipment and tools. Dawn whines that Buffy is disposing of harmless candles, but Buffy explains that "to witches, they're like bongs." And to Spike, they're sexual aids. This show has gotten rather candle-centric lately. I think it's an elaborate and extended metaphor about how Joss is burning the candle at both ends with all his frivolous little side projects, and therefore Buffy is suffering a wretched drop in quality. Or maybe it's a theme about this show's quality being a candle in the wind. Hmmm. Like the way Buffy talks so cavalierly about bongs in front of Dawn, yet feels she's too young to do research with the gang or drink coffee. Willow is sitting in her bed, glumly watching the disposal, and tells Buffy to remove a few crystals from the bedside table. Buffy's hair looks really long, and I think she's wearing the same wig she was wearing when she came back from the dead. Downstairs, Buffy wants Dawn to pack up a "fertility god" statue, which occasions more high-pitched whinging from Dawn, as it belonged to her mother. Flinging pillows from the sofa, Buffy tries to explain, "Any reminder of what it is that [Willow's] trying to stay away from could cause her to give in to temptation." She pauses when she finds a lighter (Spike's, duh) in the sofa and realizes that (gasp!) the words she speaks could equally well apply to herself. Because we weren't already beaten with that stick enough during "Wrecked." As she fingers the lighter, she flashes back to house-smashing activities with a certain undead guy. She tosses the lighter in a box of stuff they're getting rid of.
Close-up of a large plastic prop, which looks more like one of the vintage glass doorknobs from my apartment but shall henceforth be referred to as "the diamond." Warren, in his basement lair, drops the diamond into a large setting on the top of a machine in front of him. He's quietly pleased that the mechanism is done, but Andrew and Jonathan step into view to criticize the industrial design. They'd pictured something "more ILM, less Ed Wood." All in a snit, Warren grabs up the gun-shaped machine and says he'll show them "cool." He aims the gun at a nearby chair; an orangey bolt of energy shoots out, and the chair disappears. Jonathan and Andrew are mighty impressed, and Jonathan even dares to sit on the invisichair. Based on the way my cat can disappear at will, I'm thinking that she has an invisiray too. Warren says the test is only half over, changes a setting on the invisiray, and fires again. The chair reappears under Jonathan, who cowers in fear. "Oh, cheer up, Frodo," snarks Warren, explaining that the invisiray makes them "pretty much unstoppable." If a Sep snores in her apartment and no one is there to hear her, does she still make a sound? Unstoppable, eh? What is wrong with these eejits? So far we've seen the LoD summon demons, build super-efficient cyborg killing machines, control time, and make reality loop back on itself. You can bet dollars to donuts that if I had even one of those skills myself, I would rule the world, or at least my podunk home town, with a tiny iron fist.
Morning at the Summers home. Bewigged Buffy calls Dawn down for breakfast, then bitches to Willow that Dawn will be "late for school, again." She watches Willow cooking for a moment, and asks how she's doing. Willow says she's okay, but that she isn't quite ready to leave the house. Instead, she's going to continue searching for information about the stolen diamond. Dawn enters the kitchen in high teenage dudgeon and refuses breakfast. When Buffy tells her she needs to eat, Dawn replies with a very cold "Thanks for your concern." After she stomps out, Willow wonders why Dawn is taking "it" out on Buffy. "It" being her one night of slight danger with Willow and a broken arm, which doesn't really seem like all that much compared to being kidnapped and almost sacrificed by a hell god, or going out on a date with a guy who turns out to be a murdering fiend. Buffy's explanation is that Dawn is angry because Buffy "let it happen," but that just doesn't ring true to me. As I've just noted, plenty of other things have happened to Dawn, and she's not blamed Buffy for any of them. I'd venture that Dawn is upset because Buffy is distant, cold, and distracted and doesn't seem to care very much about her sister anymore, but not because she didn't somehow magically protect Dawn from Willow's jerkitude. Oh, and she's a teenager. They just get upset a lot, you know? Sometimes for no reason at all. Buffy blandly tells Willow that she (Will) was "drowning" and Buffy got too "wrapped up in her dumb life to even notice" anyone else's problems. Hmmm -- that admission would carry much more dramatic weight if SMG had shown any sort of emotion in her face and voice while making it. Instead, she delivered the lines as if she couldn't find skim milk at the grocery store.
Whatever other sorts of personal revelations Buffy might have had in store are forever unheard, however, because she's interrupted by the arrival of a blanket-clad Spike. "What are you doing? And here?" demands Buffy, and Spike nonchalantly claims that he just strolled by looking for his lighter. Buffy snips that she "hasn't seen it" and turns away to the sink. The tension in the room is a bit much for Willow, who quickly departs for her room. After she's gone, Buffy tells Spike his excuse for coming by is "lame," and then bristles when he calls her "luv." "So um, what should I call you then? Pet? Sweetheart? My little Goldilocks?" Ha! Talk about lame! What a craptacular line. Spike, who has come up with some great nicknames for the women he cares about, can only come up with "sweetheart" and "Goldilocks" for Buffy? How incredibly pedestrian of him. He fondles her hair and muses about how much he loves it. Uh huh. Like we've ever heard tell of that before. This is sub-soap-opera-grade writing. "I luv your bouncy hair, Goldilocks." Feh. Buffy reacts to the hair fondling with anger, but Spike pulls her close. Obviously overcome with lust, Buffy breathes, "Stop it." I'm so tired of her and her pathetic protests. Her "no, no, no, yes, yes, YES! No, no, no" routine is starting to make me hate her. Shit or get off the pot, weak-willed Goldilocks! Which reminds me of an idea I had for a Japanese game show after I spent the better part of an afternoon watching a tape of Japanese television programming at a friend's house. My show would be called Shit or Go Blind, and the contestants have to take a dump on command or have their eyes stabbed out with red-hot pokers. I think it'd be a big hit. Unless there's already a show like that. Wouldn't surprise me in the least. Japanese television is just odd.
So. The groin bumping is interrupted by Xander, arriving to take Dawn to school (which would make it Xander's fault that Dawn is late, correct?). He tells Spike to give up on getting together with Buffy, that "only a complete loser would hook up with [Spike]." Well, Buffy's your loser then, Xander. Bristling a tiny bit at being indirectly called names, Buffy hurries Xander out to the front hall to get Dawn. As Dawn sneers that she hopes Buffy might find time that afternoon to "get [her] into another car accident," they open the front door to find a stranger on the doorstep. She introduces herself as "Doris Kroger, from Social Services," and says she had an appointment to meet with Buffy. Buffy had forgotten, but sends Dawn off to school and asks Doris inside.
Ruh roh! Doris finds Spike lounging all snottily in the living room. He wants to know if he and Buffy are going to finish their conversation, but she tells him it's not a good time. Spike doesn't take the hint (too busy being a punk-ass loser) and continues his snotty lounging until Buffy pointedly tells him that Doris is from Social Services. He then attempts to "help" by noting that Buffy is a good mom -- so good that she disallowed Dawn from hanging out too much in his "crypt." What a dunce. Buffy then gets all frantic trying to explain that he actually said "crib." I suppose this is comedy. I'm not laughing. Buffy again tries to get Spike to leave, but Doris thinks that Spike must sleep in the house since he took his blanket when he left. A painful moment follows when Buffy lies that only she and Dawn live in the house, and then Willow calls downstairs and Buffy has to admit that Will lives there too. Then Doris assumes they're in a lesbian relationship. Oh, for god's sake -- I think Social Services allows you to have roommates, and obviously the house is large enough to have multiple bedrooms. 'Sides, if Willow's been there since last May, Social Services would already know about it. More uncovering of Buffy's unconventional parenting follows in the form of a suspicious baggie of sage; Doris says she's "seen enough." She then informs Buffy that Dawn's grades are dropping, mostly because she's frequently absent and tardy, and Social Services is not convinced that Buffy is providing a proper home. Doris wants to put Buffy on probation, meaning that if the situation doesn't improve, Buffy will be stripped of her guardianship. Maybe the monks set the bar too high with the grades they cooked up for Dawn? It's possible she's just not smart enough to live up to the promise they magicked up for her. Doris snits off, and Buffy sighs. Spike's still in the house, and he attempts to offer sympathy, but Buffy shouts at him to leave. Instead, he approaches her swiftly and digs deep into her front pants pocket. He pulls out his lighter (I thought that went into the box?) and finally leaves with "So long, Goldilocks." Buffy sulks a little and then rushes into her room. She looks into the mirror, then grabs a pair of scissors and begins to chop off hanks of her hair. And this is why I hide all of my scissors. It's prevention rather than disorganization. Oh, wait. I get my hair cut to look like a rat's nest on purpose.
Later, Buffy has booked an emergency appointment at a Sunnydale hair salon. She baby-talks a request that the stylist make her "different." Oh, honey, I've tried that approach and it never works. You have to change a lot more than your hair to be different.
Warren, Andrew, and Jonathan are nearby, preparing to invisiray themselves and then watch some bikini waxes at women's spa. I'm a bit confused as to why they aren't already invisible already, though, since rendering yourself invisible on a busy street, and right outside the business you're about to enter, seems quite stupid. But I'm even more confused as to why they would want to watch women getting their bikini lines waxed. I guess it takes all kinds. The stooges panic when they see Buffy exit the salon across the street, and Andrew and Jonathan start a tussle over the invisiray. Warren joins in the struggle, and the ray shoots a stray bolt across the street, zapping the unaware Buffy as well as a nearby dumpster and a few other objects but miraculously not making parts of the sidewalk invisible. And this is why shows like Buffy should stick to magic instead of science. If I can explain it away with "well, that's just magic," I'm fine. But this pseudo-science is going to have me up all night with all sorts of niggling questions about the nature of invisibility.
Commercials. You know, I didn't think that 1-800-COLLECT could get more annoying spokespeople than the original 1-800-Collecta Trifecta of Arsenio Hall, David Arquette, and Alyssa Milano. But the new unholy trinity of David Spade, Carrot Top, and Mr. T has proven me wrong. Hang on. I just realized that some of those people hawk AT&T's collect calling number. Which means that there are two entirely different sets of annoying shills for collect calling. Why is this the only sector of the economy that seems to be booming?
Xanya are in the Magic Box, because they never, ever get to leave that set. Punishment for putting superglue on the seat of Joss's private "show creators only" toilet, I think. Xanya are engaging in wacky wedding hijinks regarding seating plans; as usual, the less said about wacky wedding hijinks, the better. Buffy enters the shop and joins the conversation, freaking Xanya out with her invisibility. This scene is incredibly hard to buy, as are all the invisi-Buffy scenes, because the sound quality and delivery of Sarah Michelle's voice-overs don't match the quality and delivery of the actors she's supposedly in the same room with. Does anyone know if SMG is filming a new movie, or needed time off to work on re-shoots of Scooby Doo? Or just needed time off, period? Because her voice-overs sound like she telephoned them in, whilst casually reading through the script for the very first time, all while lying in the sun in Aruba, sipping a fruity drink. I'm usually of the opinion that SMG is a decent little actress, but she really should be embarrassed about the job she does in this episode. But it's not just the delivery; the long pauses between lines are incredibly annoying. It's almost as if all of SMG's lines are recorded on a portable tape deck, and the other actors have to fit their lines around the gaps in the tape.
Anyway, Obvious Voice-Over Buffy gets her tits grabbed by Xander, who then makes a reference to Marci, the invisible girl from the first-season episode "Out of Sight, Out of Mind." Buffy tries to tells the story of why she vanished (it's a short story, because she's not sure why) but Anya is much more interested in the fact that Buffy cut her hair. Buffy bemoans her horrible day: "Willow's still a wreck, Dawn's mad at both of us, and the Social Services lady put me through the wringer. Says she's gonna watch me!" Buffy laughs and adds, "I'd like to see her try now." She then grabs two decorated balls out of a nearby basket and holds them up in the air like a set of eyes -- so we don't get bored watching a blank screen and only hearing an obviously phoned-in voice-over, I guess. In the background, the music tinkles away, sounding for all the world like a piece of "something magical just happened" music from one of those cruddy 1950s live-action Disney movies. Buffy takes her ball-eyes over to Anya and then, as Xander and Anya work on the mystery or how and why Buffy is invisible, the Slayer entertains herself by floating skulls and generally not helping. Guess being invisible makes you frivolous. Buffy jaunts off for a "walk," but not before off-handedly commanding Xanya to work on her problem while she's out playing. After Buffy flits off, Anya decides that Buffy must be under a spell, possibly a spell gone wrong, as most villains wouldn't want the Slayer rendered more effective though invisibility. Xander wonders who would be "messing with that kind of power," and jumps to the conclusion that Willow is off the magic wagon.
At the Summers home, Willow is guzzling bottled water and engaging in some heavy research. She spots a book she needs across the room, almost summons it with magic, and then stops herself. As she's looking guilty, Xander appears in the dining room. Willow tells him she's discovered that the diamond has "quasi-mystical quantum properties," but Xander just wants to test out his "naughty Willow" theory. He tells her that "relapse is a part of recovery," and they just need to fix her mistake. At Willow's confused reaction, Xander explains (eventually) that Buffy's become invisible. Willow's more interested in the part of the story where Buffy got her hair cut, though. Silly girls. Silly shallow girls. Xander accepts that Willow had nothing to do with Buffy's going invisible, but Willow gets in a snit about being accused anyway, because she is good and pure and has never, ever used magic to further her own agenda. Twit. She flounces out of the house.
In the Lair of Lame, Warren is attempting to fix the invisiray while Andrew and Jonathan bicker about who broke it in the first place. Maybe Warren could invent a mute ray to shut those two up? I'd be behind that plan. The nerds bemoan the fact they won't get to peer at naked women getting their pubic hair pulled out by the roots, and then Andrew freaks them out by suggesting that the invisible Slayer could be in the room with them at that very moment. He gets a little carried away, though: "For all we know, she could be one of us!" Warren and Jonathan are drawn in for a second, then realize how ridiculous that suggestion is. Jonathan grumbles that invisi-Buffy means "a whole world of trouble."
Trouble for innocent bystanders, that is. A casually dressed woman sits on a park bench, reading. Invisi-Buffy grabs the lavender studded cap off the woman's head and floats it in the air. She obvious-voice-overs, "I am the ghost of fashion victims past!" And don't forget present and future! "Studded caps? Not a good idea!" The woman runs away in fright, and Buffy tosses the cap into the trash. That scene? Not funny. Why? Because I'm not six, for god's sack. Buffy then notices a traffic cop giving a car a ticket and, to the accompaniment of the same twinkly, Disney-esque magical-moment music, zips off in his little parking enforcement cart. As she drives away, she jauntily chirps, "So long, coppah!" Since when does Buffy do silly accents? Sigh. But you know what? I'm behind any sort of harassment of parking control officers. Right after I discovered that my car would not start this morning, I got my neighbor to help give me a jump. It was two minutes past the time I needed to have my car moved for street cleaning when the meter maid rounded the corner. I begged, I pleaded. Not only did she give me a ticket for violating the street cleaning zone, but she gave my friend, who was helping me out by giving me a jump, a ticket for double parking. I hate meter maids. Meter maids eat their young. But back to bitching about the show. During these scenes, SMG's voice does not at all sound like it's coming from someone actually in the park. In fact, she sounds a lot more like she's standing to my television, narrating, than she sounds like she's in Sunnydale. Buffy then pulls up in front of the Social Services building.
Upstairs, Buffy finds Doris Kroger working at her desk. Or actually, the camera finds Kroger working at her desk, and we're just supposed to believe that Buffy is there. It's a stretch. Kroger puts down her coffee mug and turns away for a second. When she reaches back for it, it's moved to the other side of her desk. The magical-moment music saps onwards as Buffy again moves the coffee mug. When Kroger spots the mug above her computer, Buffy wiggles it in the air and chants, "Kill, kill." Kroger attempts to explain to her coworker why she's talking to herself, and gets more harassment from Buffy. The harried social worker yells at the mug to shut up and stomps away from her desk. As soon as she leaves, Buffy invisibly flips through a stack of files and finds the one for Dawn Summers. She then begins to enter something on Kroger's computer.
Meanwhile, Kroger comes out of the bathroom and runs into her supervisor, who has some time to discuss the Summers case file. But oopsie -- the case file is now entirely full of sheets which repeat over and over, "All work and no play make Doris a dull girl." Oh, that's a fresh pop culture reference. And I'm not even going to mention that the A key was never pressed even once while Buffy was typing. Kroger's supervisor is confused, and then they notice that more sheets containing the same text are coming out of the printer. Obviously not at all used to dealing with supervisors, Kroger admits that she's been hearing voices, which moved her coffee cup and told her things. The supervisor looks concerned and tells Kroger to take the day off; he'll have someone else redo the Summer interview. Buffy whistles the melody from "Going Through the Motions" to herself on her way out of the building. I have two things to say here. First, Buffy had no way of knowing that her actions would discredit Kroger or get her a new interview, so she just comes off seeming petty and vengeful. Second, she needs to accept some personal responsibility for her terrible parenting of Dawn, instead of acting like her problems with Social Services are someone else's fault. Oh and a third point, I guess -- I was hoping they would just take Dawn away from Buffy. I mean, Buffy doesn't really seem to give a fuck what Dawn does, Dawn could use better parenting, AND she's an annoying little appendix. We'd all be better off if she was out of the home and off the show.
I wonder if I hate this episode so much just because I've had a terrible day? Maybe if I watched "Flooded" right now I would think that it was the greatest episode ever. I remember thinking that I wouldn't have liked "Listening to Fear" half as much if I hadn't been attacked by rubber-cockroach-costumed midget from outer space that very same day. It really resonated with me.
Cut to Willow on the Streets of Sunnydale, engaging in a little petty vandalism. No, actually she's just doing a little gumshoe work. Xander walks up, and Willow snaps at him because he accused her of using magic inappropriately earlier. Hey! They let Xander out of his cage! We haven't seen him outside Der Zauber Kasten or without Anya in a very long time. They halfheartedly apologize to each other for their earlier tiff, and then Willow points out a very tiny skid mark. She seems to think that the speed of the vehicle that caused it is suspicious. Xander is of the opinion that "those could have been made anytime." "This wasn't," smugs Willow as she hands over a crack vial filled with black paint scrapings taken off of the invisible fire hydrant. The same hydrant which Xander is oblivious to until he runs right into it. Willow must have some pretty good eyes to see a few flakes of black paint hanging in midair. Xander makes the connection that the van that was following Buffy a few weeks back was also black, so obviously the two must be related. Huh? How can they be sure that the paint came from the same black van and not, say, one of the many other black cars that could have run into an INVISIBLE FIRE HYDRANT? Sure, it's on the sidewalk, but have you seen how people drive lately? This is all just a little too Encyclopedia Brown for my tastes. Xander stumbles across another invisible object. Willow waves her little spray can over it and pronounces it "a pylon. One of those orange traffic cones." Thanks, Captain Obvious. Pretty soon she'll be saying things like, "It's sage. An herb often found in gardens." They agree that the cone should follow Xander back to Der Zauber Kasten for research purposes while Willow goes to track down the van.
Spike, hangin' in his crib. Er, crypt. Someone on the telly screams, "Look at all the blood!" In a nice show of continuity, someone actually remembers that Spike is a vampire, because his tummy rumbles and he shambles over to the fridge to get a cuppa. Huh. Spike drinks blood straight out of the mason jar. My mom gets so ticked off at me when I do that. Not so much because I'm drinking the blood of innocents, but because I'm not using a glass. Even in front of company. It's so unseemly, you know. The door to Spike's crypt bursts open, but there's nothing to be seen. The television is shut off as Spike vaguely threatens his phantom visitor. Suddenly he's thrown up against the wall, arms pinned against it, and Obvious Voice-Over Buffy's second pair of arms rips open his shirt. The music gets a little suggestive, and Spike queries, "Buffy?" as he gets all gaspy-faced. "I told you," Obvious Voice-Over Buffy chirps. "Stop trying to see me."
Der Zauber Kasten. Xanya pore over books, the pylon on the table between them. And jeez, the props department isn't even trying here. This pylon is the normal orange color and not the spray-painted red color that we saw not even a minute ago. Suddenly, Anya has a breakthrough, but it's about the wedding, so pardon me if I ignore it. Anya reaches out to fondle the traffic cone, but her fingers sort of smoosh through it. Xander tries it too. They both agree that it's like lumpy pudding. Xander is suddenly worried what that could mean for Buffy.
Commercials. Maybelline wants me to know that they have a new mascara product that gets to those tiny lashes that, if I used another inferior mascara product, may be left behind. Because with all that's happened to me today, I don't think I could BEAR it if one or two of my lashes were not uniformly covered with black goop.
Warren tinkers with the invisiray, and the trio discusses Buffy's impending descent into pudding -- something to do with the extra radiation given off by the gun's accidental firing. "But, wouldn't that kill her?" inquires Andrew anxiously, looking up from his comic book. Warren nonchalantly agrees that it would. Jonathan and Andrew seem upset at this. Jonathan insists that they're "not killing anybody. 'Specially not Buffy!" Apparently, zapping her into pudding is somehow cheating, but metaphorically snapping at the Slayer's ankles with one's ineffective, petty evil to the point where she longs for the sweet release of death is fair game. As is forcing her to work retail for all eternity. Which, in my opinion, is a fate much worse than death. They hadn't invented retail at the time the gods were doling out punishment to Prometheus. Otherwise, instead of having his liver continually eaten by eagles, he'd be stuck toiling ceaselessly at a TJ Maxx return counter. Warren loses his temper as he explains the concept of being a villain to Jonathan. Jonathan squeaks, "We're not killers, we're crime lords!" "Like Lex Luthor!" pipes up Andrew. "He's always trying to take over Metropolis but he doesn't kill Superman!" "Because it's Superman's book, you moron!" sputters Warren. And this is Buffy's show, and -- ooof. I need to lie down. I'm on a strict low-carb, low-meta diet and the bag of freezer rolls I ate to distract myself from having to think too much about the show, combined with this scene, used up my allowance for all of week. Jonathan lays down the law on Warren, ordering him to repair the invisiray immediately and then turn Buffy back. Warren stands up and towers over Jonathan, which is to say that Warren is approximately five apples high to Jonathan's three, but he agrees to the plan. Andrew shoots Jonathan a "we showed him!" glance as Warren sits back down to work on the invisible ray some more. So. Everyone on the same page here? Warren? Double-Stuf Eeeevil. Jonathan and Andrew? Snackwell Light Evil.
Xander enters Spike's darkened crypt, ignoring the "If this crypt's a rockin', don't come a knockin'" sign. He takes in the scene, everything all rumble-tumble knocked over. Moaning. Pan across the lower area of Spike's lair to Spike, furiously thrusting into what appears to be nothing but is actually OVOB. Aaaaand that's pretty much the last thing I needed to see today. Thank god I was almost blinded by the flashing neon "Live! Nude! Spike!" sign that appears every Tuesday around 8 PM. Xander, taken aback, wants to know what Spike is doing. Spike is momentarily flummoxed, but then claims to be "exercising." He raises himself up and does a few "pushups" while OVOB squeals. And I know that a lot of the people on the forums want to believe that Spike is blessed with many great and admirable traits, up to and including a magical restorative penis that cures people of sexual repression, but I seriously doubt his equipment is that long. He would have, uh, slipped out. Sorry to be so graphic, but I figure there's nothing I can say here that will be worse than the spectacle of Spike thrusting and humping at thin air. Xander's remaining three brain cells tell him that he should be skeptical of Spike's claims, but he wisely decides that pursuing that train of thought any further will only bring him pain and misery. Instead, he informs Spike that he's looking for Buffy. By this time, Spike is sitting on the edge of the bed, sheet wrapped modestly around his nether regions, while he twitches as OVOB tickles his earlobe and other choice bits. He haltingly tells Xander that if he sees Buffy, he'll send her Xander's way, as he swats at OVOB. Xander turns to leave after recommending that, "all joking aside," Spike should find himself a girlfriend. Oh. So I guess Xander thinks that Spike's twitching and swatting routine was just a joke? Because the first thing that comes to my mind when I think of vampires is their world-famous reputation for a good practical joke. That's pretty stupid. But I guess it's not as stupid as Xander not noticing that something fishy was going on. After Xander's departure, Spike snits, "That was bloody stupid" in the direction of the bed as OVOB says something from Aruba. I think I can make out congo drums in the background. Spike grabs a drink and talks to himself as he tells OVOB that she needs to leave because "if [he] can't have all of [her]…" Beat. Looks down. "Hey, that's cheating." Sigh. I dozed off for a second there. Did I miss the point of this spurious Spuffy sex? No point, other than to distract the viewers from the craptastic nature of tonight's episode by dangling a mostly naked James Marsters in front of us? Got it.
Espresso Pump. Someone brings Willow another bottle of water as she logs into the public terminal with the sweet cinema display. Water. Because she's dehydrated. Because magic is not like a drug, but rather is a drug. And she's going through withdrawal. And don't you forget it. I should probably be grateful that David Fury's "This is a drug addiction storyline" bat is a plastic whiffle-ball bat instead of the Louisville Slugger that Marti beaned Ace with last time. She still has the bruises. Willow is busy hacking into the DMV to look up a match for the black van in a DMV database. Some magical DMV database that sorts vehicles by tire brand, apparently. She chugs some more water and seems to get impatient with how long the search is taking, so she reaches out to touch the screen but stops herself in time. Booooring! Jeebus, save me! The only thing worse than my day is the episode!
The minute and a half shows OVOB, who we can't even see, walking down the street and babbling to herself. I'm sitting here watching a Coke can skitter across the screen. If I weren't contractually obligated to watch this, I would have turned it off by now. What makes this even worse is the now familiar refrain of "wacky" music, which is sounding more and more like huge hippos in pink tutus tiptoeing through tulips. Stupid. OVOB walks in the back door and calls out for Willow and Dawn. Finding them not home, she makes a pit stop to refuel. At that moment, the back door opens, and a very late Dawn tries to slip in unnoticed. Buffy calls out to her, but of course, Dawn can't see her. Buffy makes a pizza box joke. Which is just as lame as it sounds. It would have been cool if she'd made a pterodactyl out of the box and then flown it around the room going, "Caw! Caw!" Does anyone besides me remember that Little Caesar's commercial? Dawn is incredibly upset that Buffy is making light of the situation. Buffy tries to apologize, but Dawn reads Buffy the riot act, and I can't decide if she's really upset or just going on the offensive so Buffy won't get up in her grill about coming home late. Either way, it doesn't really matter -- Dawn does the pissy teenager stomp upstairs, and Buffy starts to follow her but is distracted by the blinking light on the answering machine. The message starts playing, and Xanya leave a message filling her in on the potential side effects of invisibility. The camera? Focuses on the answering machine for a full 25 seconds, then pans up to where Buffy ISN'T to get a reaction shot of a character that we can't even see. God. Who pitched this episode? Did the Legion of Dim take the Mutant Enemy office by storm and accidentally hit them with a stupid-and-boring ray? "Wow," deadpans Buffy. And Sarah Michelle? Could you perhaps put down the piña colada for a second and maybe rent an emotion? You were just told that your molecules are melting into tapioca. Muster. An. Appropriate. Response.
Night. Street. Willow checks an address and then glances over to see a black van halfway covered by a tarp in a driveway. She strolls over to check it out and then enters the basement through some storm doors. Gosh, she's brave. I don't think I'd just break and enter like that. But then, I'd never wear that hideous coat, either. She cautiously peers around and pays close attention to large, conveniently placed schematic for the invisiray. She gets a little thrilled smile on her face, remembering how cool science can be. As she spots the ray itself on a workbench, she leans in to take a closer look, but is attacked by an anthropomorphic roll of duct tape. Or maybe the Legion of Dim have made themselves invisible. "Congratulations," says the duct tape, "you're our first hostage."
Casa Summers. OVOB yells out to Dawn that she's off to look for Xander, but is interrupted by the phone. The camera pulls back to show the phone being picked up, and a voice says, "Don't talk. Just listen, Slayer." The Jonathan voice tells Buffy that Willow is being held hostage, and "if you don't want anything bad to happen to her you better meet us. Alooone." But where?
The arcade, of course. Because what better place for a hostage exchange than a crowded public place. OVOB goes through the turnstile. The teenager guarding the gate notices that it seems to be moving on its own, but realizes that for minimum wage it's not worth getting off of his ass. In a corner of the arcade, Willow stands with her arms uncomfortably apart. Suddenly, someone presses play on the tape recorder containing OVOB. Buffy asks Willow where the "bad guys" are, after ascertaining that she's okay. Warren interjects, "All around you, Slayer, so don't try anything." Willow says that she's pretty sure there's only three of them. And here's my problem with this whole "Willow shouldn't use magic" plot. A year ago, Willow was kicking a little hell-god ass. With a flick of her pinky finger, she should be able to hand these three fun-sized villain wanna-bes their asses on a plate. But because the storyline being foisted on us is "Magic is like a drug and drugs are bad, mmmmkay?" she can't even defend herself against these crap-gnats. I think that, with the way that magic has been portrayed in the Buffyverse to date, it's incredibly short-sighted to expect us to believe that it's the magic that's the problem, rather than Willow's irresponsible use of it.
Anyway. InvisiWarren states that there are "more than enough to cause some serious carnage. Right, guys?" The guys don't answer, and the camera pans over to a video game whose sticks are flying. This is so incredibly stupid. The only actual actor in this scene is Willow, who is standing holding her arms awkwardly away from her sides as four other invisible actors chatter around her. What the hell is this, Radio Free Buffy? I don't pay forty bucks a month for cable so I can listen to what used to be my favorite television show. Willow tells Buffy that these are the morons from her mystery van. The Warren voice claims that he wants to fix Buffy, and tells her to pick up the air hockey paddle so that he has something to aim at. You'd think that Buffy would be a little suspicious of the person who claims to want to make her visible again, but takes her best friend as a hostage. I guess Buffy's brain is the first part of her that's turning to mush. Fortunately, Willow notices that the setting is at "Kill! Crush! Destroy!" rather than "rescue," and warns OVOB. Warren knocks Willow down with the gun, and OVOB throws the air hockey paddle at Warren. The gun skitters under the pinball machine, and what follows has to be the stupidest moment of this series EVER. We have a fight scene in which all the participants are invisible. That's right. We have a fight scene in which we can't actually see any of the fighting. But at least the new stunt coordinator has managed to find an appropriate milieu for his skills. Because the Legion of Dim can't keep their big traps shut, Buffy quickly kicks the crap out of them. Willow comes to and grabs the invisible ray. A few quick zaps, and everyone is visible again. One by one, the Legion of Dim is revealed. Of course, if you've ever read a comic book, seen a movie based on a comic book, or watched a Saturday morning cartoon, you know that now it's time for the "I'll get you time!" and dramatic, smoke-filled exit. However, their escape is thwarted by a locked door. Fortunately for the Legion of Dim, a security guard distracts the Scoobies while the stupor-villains run away. I'm kinda disappointed with the way the Legion of Dim was revealed to Buffy. I was really hoping that Xander would have a super-geek saving-the-day moment in which he recognizes the LoD's nefarious plan as being lifted straight out of one of the comic books that he collects. Too bad. So sad.
Willow and Buffy sit on a curb outside the arcade and throw a little pity party for themselves instead of, say, tracking down the LoD at their Lair of Lame? It's not like that's a secret or anything. But we're supposed to be happy here, because Buffy's decided that she's ready to be part of the world again. Huh. So that's where my will to live went.