Smashed

S06E09

WARNING: In case of accidental ingestion, consult a physician. Oops, that's the wrong warning. The real warning is this: This recap contains opinions. If you are sensitive to the use of opinions, particularly opinions that might be negative or that you don't agree with, DO NOT READ FURTHER.

Previously on Buffy: In Season Three, Amy, a high school friend of Buffy and Willow's, was tied at the stake to burn as a witch. She turned herself into a rat in order to escape. Amy the Rat then became Willow's responsibility. This season, Tara and Willow argued, and Willow used magic to make Tara forget about it. Tara found out, so they argued again. Willow (learning very little for such a bright girl) tried to cast another forget spell on Tara (and Buffy). At this point, rather than arguing anymore, Tara simply left Willow. Last season, Spike had some dweeb named Warren build him a sexbot that looked like Buffy. Warren, frequently-put-upon Jonathan, and some dweeb named Andrew decided to "team up and take over Sunnydale." Giles left town, the big meanie. Spike and Buffy kissed, and Buffy was a real snot about discussing it with Spike. Later, at the Bronze, her lips accidentally got caught on his again.

Two hulking guys menace a normal couple in one of Sunnydale's many, many alleys. You'd think the town residents would learn to just stay on the main streets. Of course, plenty of bad things seem to happen on the main streets too, so scratch that. Buffy, looking very pretty in braids and red lipstick, happens on the scene and cracks a few trademark quips. (She always wanted a pony. She makes do with a substitute later in the episode.) She then kicks one of the menacers in the kneecap, and is nonplussed to discover he's an ordinary human, just out for a little mugging. Rambling a little (mentally tossing out all supernatural- and bloodsucking-related quips, I suppose), she encourages the nice couple to leave and engages in a little one-sided fighty-fighty with the muggers. "C'mon, rush me! It'll be funny," she taunts. Suddenly, Spike leaps into the fight from god knows where, despite Buffy's shout of "No!" Spike crashes to the ground clutching at his head, and the muggers run away. Throwing up her hands in exasperation, Buffy gripes at Spike for messing up her fun. She mocks him for not noticing that the opponents were humans, gracefully glossing over the fact that she herself had been under the very same misapprehension seconds ago. "Remind me not to help you," says Spike, and when Buffy huffs, "More often?" I have to giggle. Some blah-blah exposition follows about Spike's chip and how he can't hit humans, as well as some suggestive eyebrow waggling on his part when Buffy mentions ways to "get your rocks off." It's all kinda bantery and cute, and I'm just glad the thrust and parry is verbal rather than lingual. Although I am having a hard time understanding every other line of Spike's. Could you maybe enunciate more clearly through your fake accent, please? Buffy turns to leave, and I'm disturbed by the fact that she appears to have -- a PCI slot on the back of her head? Please, no. No more robots. Pause tape. Hmmm, no. My bot fears subside when I realize it's an essentially unnecessary fashion accessory -- a large barrette covering the part in her hair. Spike calls after Buffy. She tenses up, and when he mentions the kissing, she gets a "butter wouldn't melt" look on her face. Poop -- it was all going so well and I was enjoying it so much; I knew it couldn't last. Buffy's all "No more kissing ever" blah retread, so Spike calls her a tease and an "ice queen." Buff stomps off with a lemon-sucking face, and Spike shouts after her, "It's only a matter of time before you realize I'm the only one here for you, pet! You got no one else." Um, yeah. Whatever, Mr. Attempts To Cut His Loved One Off From Her Friends. And besides, do you really want that to be the reason she turns to you, Spike? Because she has no one else? Not much of a recommendation for your charms.

Summers home. Willow is moping and checking the hall outside her room. I guess she's checking for Tara, although I think at this point Tara would ring the bell, or more likely call on the phone, if she for some reason wanted to talk to Willow's brain-violating ass. Willow mopes around some more and then fetches Amy the Rat out of her cage. She offers to get Amy a little rat companion who will one day leave her for "no good reason" and wow, Willow's screwed up! No good reason? Makes me wonder what she would consider a good reason. Then something happens that I still haven't quite figured out. Willow reflects that she wishes she could change Amy back to a human "any way" possible. She pauses and then makes a light-bulb face and says, "Rivili!" A piece of parchment covered in calligraphy appears in midair and zips down to rest on The Bedroom Bureau Of Illicit Magic Casting. She couldn't de-rat Amy for three years, and then suddenly she has the power to conjure the spell she needs out of thin air, or somehow remembers a spell she forgot? Perhaps the crew was "burning" a little too much "Lethe's bramble" and forgot to shoot a few lines of script. Willow grabs the paper and reads the spell aloud. Electricity crackles, and Amy the Rat turns into Amy the Human, crouched naked on Willow's bed. Willow grins in triumph; Amy screams in terror.

Building with domed skylight. Someone dressed in black lowers himself down from the ceiling Mission Impossible-style. It's dweeb Andrew, looking very Tobey from Dawson's Creek in wire-rimmed glasses and a black beret. He hovers in front of a museum case and snaps some sort of fancy suction-cup-type thing to the glass. Behind him, Warren and Jonathan clomp into the room. They mock Andrew for all his fancy preparations, since the security system in the museum is "a guy named Rusty." Warren is impatient and steps up to the museum case, cutting through the glass with a blow torch. Andrew whines that Warren gets to play with all the "cool stuff," so Jonathan has to remind him why they couldn't play with the blow torch: "I'm allergic to methane and you're still afraid of hot things." Besides, the weight of the methane tank would make both of them tip over. Snerk. I'm a little miffed that they explained the tank. Now my "How pathetically out of shape are you, nerd boy?" quip seems almost out of place. Warren finishes cutting and reaches into the case to pull out a large diamond. They celebrate finishing with "phase one" of their Ultra Secret Very Hush-Hush Master Plan. As they turn to leave, they run into a security guard, the aforementioned Rusty. Warren tries to stall for time with Rusty and not-so subtly hints that the other two guys should "get the freeze ray." They fail to understand until Warren glares at them. Jonathan and Andrew fumble around in their bags, and then Jonathan zaps Rusty with -- you guessed it -- the freeze ray. Which has a satisfactory freezy effect on Rusty, and a not-so-satisfactory freezy effect on the entire ray and Jonathan's hand. Warren gloats, but Jonathan whines that he wants to go back to the lair, as he can't feel his fingers. On the way out, Warren expositions that Rusty will be okay in a few days after he defrosts.

Summers home. Amy is still sitting on the bed, arms wrapped around her knees, but she isn't naked anymore. Looks like she's wearing Willow's clothes, which are just a tiny bit snug. Willow brings her some hot chocolate, but Amy is very jumpy and not interested. "I felt like I was in that cage for weeks," she exclaims, to Willow's chagrin. She's hoping to go to prom (with Larry!), but realizes from Willow's "oh shit" face that perhaps she's going to hear some bad news. Willow is forced to explain that Larry was gay, Larry is dead, and not only is prom over, but high school is too. "How long was I in the cage?" demands Amy. Sigh. Poor Larry. I miss him so. I would trade a thousand Season Six Jonathans for one Larry. Which, by my calculations, would work out to one Larry exactly.

Buffy enters the house and trots upstairs. She finds Willow sitting alone in her room, and they exchange some conversation about how Willow is doing. Buffy then sits on the bed, because she has something she wants to discuss. She starts a preamble about good and bad choices, but is interrupted by the bathroom door opening. Buffy assumes Tara is visiting, and does a double-take when she realizes she's seeing Amy. Amy has obviously been thinking while in the restroom (I wonder if she appreciated the toilet paper, yet felt compelled to nibble on the cardboard roll). "The whole school?" she asks Willow, ignoring Buffy. "By a giant snake thing," Amy continues. "Okay, still adjusting." Amy then greets Buffy. Buffy: "Hi. How've you been?" Amy: "Rat. You?" Buffy: "Dead." Amy: "Huh." The actress who plays Amy is doing a very good job with the whole "totally freaked and disoriented" thing. After an offer to stay the night from Buffy, Amy goes downstairs to look for cookies. Upstairs, Buffy expresses her surprise at seeing Amy, and Willow claims she "just realized" she could do the spell. She then says, "It's nice having another magically inclined friend around," which I think in her mind was a dig at Tara but seems to hurt Buffy's feelings. Unaware of this, Willow tries to pursue their interrupted conversation, but Buffy says she can't top the Amy conversion. This is a little tangential, but I'm left wondering if Buffy knows that Willow cast the spell that went wrong last week. We know Tara knows, and it seemed pretty clear that Dawn and Xander figured it out. However, Buffy wasn't there when the crystal was smashed. So either nobody told her that Willow tried to wipe her memories of Heaven, or they did tell her and she just doesn't seem to care. Feh. Why am I worrying about this? I have the far greater problem of Spuffy snogging to contend with.

Downstairs, Amy is munching cookies and watching TV. Where's Dawn during all this? Scratch that. I actually don't care. Amy expresses sympathy about Buffy's mom and then reviews some of the shocking things that happened in Sunnydale while she was ratty. "People getting frozen, Willow's dating girls, and did you hear about Tom and Nicole?" she concludes. Nothing in the list is news to Buffy except the people-getting-frozen part, so her ears perk up at that. Amy gestures to the TV, where a newscaster stands in front of an ambulance, speaking about a robbery which left one man "in critical yet stable condition." Behind him, some EMTs carry a gurney into the museum.

Outside the museum, a large crowd has gathered. Buffy hops up and down behind them trying to get a better view, then finally pushes her way to the front. As she looks on, the EMTs roll Rusty out of the museum on a dolly. Guess they decided not to use that gurney after all. I was going to complain about the amount of time it must have taken Buffy to get to the museum, and how the EMTs would have had time to remove Rusty before she got there, but then I decided that they spent all this time looking for the dolly after it became clear that the gurney wouldn't work out. I mean, obviously. See, like Ace says -- a clear explanation for everything.

Buffy moseys off. As she crosses the museum lawn, she runs into Spike (not literally, though. And none of her mouth parts get stuck on his mouth parts). Spike jibes her a little about getting there late, but Buffy seems to have no patience for him after their earlier exchange. He suggests that they work on the freezing case together, but Buffy's incredible rolling eyes advertise her reluctance and the fact that she's just about to walk away. Spike tags along, and when Buffy tells him their working together "never ends well," he replies, "It did the other night." We've done this scene what feels like an excruciating eight million times, so I'm sure it comes as no surprise to my gentle readers that Buffy is dismissive at this point. "I'm sorry if you thought that it meant more," she lies. "Lies," because I don't think she's really that sorry at all. She just wants him to stop talking at her all the time. She fishes about for an explanation and finally says, "When I kissed you, you know I was thinking about Giles, right?" I actually laughed out loud at this line the first time I saw the episode. I mean, I thought she was teasing him and it seemed like a hilarious things to say. Spike beetles his brow: "You know, I always wondered about you two." I can't tell if he's serious -- I don't think I've ever seen Spike make that thoughtful, broody face before. However, he is breathing very heavily like he's very upset. Buffy is disgusted by the thought of her and Giles that way (maybe she needs to have a little talk with Anya, hmm?) and clarifies that she kissed Spike because she was sad about Giles leaving. That's just lame. He asks if she's managed to convince herself that the kissing was such a bad idea. Buffy says, "Please. Stop," in a very serious tone, and begins to walk away. You know, if Buffy said that to me in that tone, I'd comply. She seems to be at the end of her rope, and pissing off the Slayer just isn't a good idea. Spike's nothing if not persistent, though, so he follows after her, insisting, "A man can change!" Buffy turns on him: "You're not a man. You're a thing." Spike looks hurt. You know, in my opinion, Spike deserves so much punishment and suffering for his years of unregretful evil. And while I don't want Buffy to be the one who dishes it out, and particularly not between bouts of smoochies, it's hard for me to feel very sorry for Spike here. He has his un-life, which is more than you can say for his victims. Buffy turns away again, but Spike grabs her shoulder hard, spinning her around. Ruh roh! I've been watching those repeats on FX, and Buffy does not react well to being touched in anger. Which is to say, she punches him in the face. Spike immediately hits her back, knocking her to the ground, and as she recovers, he seems to stop and think. After a pause, he grabs his head in a show of pain. Buffy strides over and knocks him down. "You're a thing. An evil disgusting thing." She walks away. Not nice to hit the semi-defenseless guy, Buffy. Guess he should have stopped bugging when you said "please." Spike looks up, the camera pulls in close, and then Spike gives an evil, suggestive smile. Watch it in slo-mo, because the degree to which James Marsters can suck in his already defined cheeks is amazing.

Smirky Spike roams the streets of Sunnydale, checking out all the humans he's now able to bite. He spots a young lady in a red sweater and follows her into an alley. He menaces Red Sweater, telling her he's a creature of the night. Always love's bitch, Spike's attempts to scare Red Sweater center mainly around what a pain in the ass Buffy is, thinking he's "housebroken" and being all confused about what she wants. He's not confused, though: "I am a killer. That's what I do. I kill." He seems a little worried about getting back on the bicycle, but then puts on his game face and buries his head in Red Sweater's neck. Just as quickly, he screams in pain and staggers back from the girl, holding his head. "What the hell is going on?" he pants. I know there's been a lot of debate as to whether Spike would have pulled back at the last second. Here's my take: It doesn't matter. What's the first thing he tried to do when he realized the chip wasn't behaving as he expected? Went and tried to bite some innocent. The chip activates on intent. Spike intended to harm her. Deed is just as good as done at that point.

Daytime. Dawn and Tara are sharing a "movie and milkshake fun day." Dawn has a really big shake (mmmm, chocolate milkshake), and Tara expresses amazement at its size without stuttering at all. Normal-talkin' Tara is okay. She can stick around. They laugh, and Tara tries to make Dawn promise she'll eat something "leafy green, not Gummi green" for dinner. Without a segue, Tara then tells Dawn she'll always be there for her. Aw -- they both look so pretty here. Playing the divorced parent, Tara assures Dawn that the break-up with Willow was not Dawn's fault. They discuss whether the witches will reconcile, and Dawn tries to convince Tara that Willow has been more careful with magic recently.

Der Zauber Kasten. Buffy, Xander, and Willow are researching the freeze crime at the table while Anya straightens books. Needless exposition about Rusty being unthawed but still unconscious, and then greedy talk from Anya that doesn't merit repetition. She shouldn't be allowed to say Giles's name unless she's going to say something nice. Buffy wants to call Giles, but Willow says, "We'll just do it another way." Buffy and Xander get all nervous because they think Willow means magic, but then Willow pulls out her laptop. Buffy echoes fan sentiment by saying, "That's great, Will. I haven't seen you do that in a long time," but then Buffy and the fans get all nervous when Willow uses magic to read the internal police reports of the Sunnydale PD. Oh, for god's sake. She looks so stupid, holding her hands over the keyboard and "reading" the air in front of her. Why did she even get the computer out in the first place? One should only do magic if it makes one look cooler, not if it makes one looks like a dumb-ass. All this magic usage reveals a tiny piece of information: "A diamond was stolen from the museum." Buffy wonders if the diamond is special in any supernatural way, and Willow looks some more. As she does so, Xander gives a fake yawn and makes like he wants to leave (or like he wants Willow to stop, I can't decide) because Willow's use of magic is making him uncomfortable. Willow is hurt, so Anya finally bursts out that the situation is strange. They all know Tara left Willow for using magic, yet Willow continues to use magic and pretend that nothing happened. Anya can be a real pain, but good for her for just getting that out. Methinks the Scoobies need to sign up for weekly family counseling to get some of these things discussed. They surely aren't capable of communicating by themselves. Despite the fact that Xander and Anya have obviously been discussing this behind Willow's back, and that Anya was the one brave enough to come out with it, Xander acts all squirmy. God, I hate the way he treats her. Willow's not angry, though. She tries to explain that "little things" came between her and Tara, and that their "time away" will help them work it out. Sheesh. They then discuss Amy's adjustment to life among the tailless and Buffy looks contemplative, like she's recalling her sudden change of form earlier this year.

The stolen diamond gets a close-up. Jonathan, Andrew, and Warren admire it in their secret lair of very dweeby evil. They're all ready to leave for "phase two" of their Ultra Secret Very Hush-Hush Master Plan when Spike bursts upon the scene. He corners Warren and tells him, "I need you to look at my chip." Jonathan worries that this is British slang, which is good for a tiny heh. What would that translate to? "I need you to look at my French fry"? Is Jonathan perhaps worried that Spike will get his very own fun-size human and won't come visit him anymore? Warren tries to give Spike the brush-off, but Spike's not having it. "You can play holodeck another time." Heh. Spike watches too much TV. On UPN. He looks around the room and then grabs a tiny action figure off a pedestal labeled "Boba Fett." Holding up "Mr. Fett," he explains that if Warren doesn't examine his chip, the action figure will suffer some ultra-violence. Jonathan and Andrew are very worried, and Spike makes little faces at them as he holds out the toy. Warren tries to play tough a few seconds longer, but his feelings for Mr. Fett finally get the better of him. Warren leads the trio into a huddle while Spike futzes with toys and things in the background. I guess his vamp super-hearing must be in the shop. Or, more likely, he just doesn't give a rat's ass about what the geekwads are saying. Warren posits that they should do this thing for Spike, because then he'll be beholden to him. He's putting an awful lot of faith in a vampire's code of honor. But then, despite all their high-tech wizardry, these boys are none too bright about the little things. After a short debate, the trio are agreed. Warren goes to give the news to Spike, saying, "We'll scratch your back, you scratch…" "I'm not scratching your anything," interrupts Spike. "You do what I tell you. That's the deal." Warren nervously agrees to these new terms, and Spike tosses the beleaguered Mr. Fett to Andrew. Andrew pets him happily.

By Sep

Throwaway scene with Dawn and Tara, in which Dawn blatantly attempts to get Tara back together with Willow by manipulating her into staying until someone responsible comes home. Which could be a while, since the last responsible person to live there moved out last week.

Bronze. Band. Close-up of Willow and Amy playing pool. Willow fills Amy in on the Xanya engagement. The camera pulls back to show that Willow and Amy are playing sans stick. Uh. That's not really as dirty as it sounds. They're playing pool, but using magic instead of pool cues. What a waste of magic, if you ask me. More than half the fun of playing pool is chalking up the cue and leaving little piles of blue dust on the rails so that your opponent unknowingly ends up with blue chalk dust all over him- or herself by the end of the night. Hey, my depth perception is pretty terrible. I have to make my own fun. A couple of guys come up. One of them looks like he's Matthew Perry's younger, less-addicted-to-prescription-painkillers, non-hit-show-having brother. The other guy whispers into Amy's ear, and she tells Willow that she's going to dance with the boys. Willow really isn't interested in joining her, but Amy wants to make sure that her friend is having a good time, so she snaps her fingers and a leggy brunette leaves her date at the bar and makes her way towards Willow. The brunette introduces herself, but Willow is a stuttering, sputtering nervous wreck. She makes little "make it go away" expressions at Amy until Amy snaps her fingers again to break the spell. Bree looks confused and wanders back to her date, who looks pissed.

Fade up on Willow talking to her martini at the bar. So is she of age now? Maybe she conjured a fake ID? Or maybe she conjured the damn drink in the first place. Whatever. Amy runs up, drains Will's drink, and apologizes for being gone so long. Her boys arrive a second later. They want some more dancin'. Amy's not really interested, and when she refuses, one of them gets inappropriately grabby with her. Willow warns him to back off, but Thing Two says, "Nobody asked you, Ellen." Thing One and Thing Two laugh amongst themselves. Because he just called Willow a lesbian. And lesbians are funny. Because they're women who love other women. And that's funny, see? Geddit? Yeah. Me neither. Amy and Willow share a look. "You wanna dance?" suggests Amy. Willow and Amy wave their hands, and the boys are magically stripped down to their Underoos and dancing in cages above the stage.

Der Zauber Kasten. Buffy, Anya, and Xander are researching the recent jewelry heist. Xander has a moment. He gets excited thinking that he's discovered the Monster of the Week, but Anya gently points out that he's been searching in a D&D manual. Three things: 1) Heh. 2) That ain't the Monster Manual. 3) At least Xander's on the right track. Give him a little more time and he just might figure it out. Anya gives up in frustration: "There's no such thing as a frost monster who eats diamonds!" Buffy counters that "maybe he doesn't eat them. Maybe he just…[beat]…thinks they're pretty." Get with the program, Buffy. Glory was last season. I am highly amused at how inept the gang is at coping with the DC Comics bubble that has invaded their universe. They're really floundering without Giles. Xander suggests that it's time to call in the big brains and wonders where Willow has gotten herself to. When he hears that she's out with Amy, Xander gets all concerned that she's found another person to enable her in her quest for magic. Buffy half-heartedly defends Willow, but Xander reminds Buffy of the real reason that Tara left Willow. Buffy says that she has faith in the power of Willow's level head to guide her through. Huh. Not to belabor the point, but I'm still wondering if anyone told Buffy that Willow was the source of the wacky hijinks last week? I can't imagine that Buffy would be handing Willow a Get Out Of Jail Free card after that escapade. Anya chirps that the responsible ones are the ones that you have to watch out for, because once they get a taste of the dark side, they tend to go overboard. Buffy vehemently protests, obviously thinking of herself and Spike. Xander: "It's gotta be seductive. Just getting into it. Going totally wild." Buffy looks troubled. Just then, they're interrupted by the ringing of a phone. As Buffy crosses the room to answer it, I see that they've paired her filmy lace top with a black leather maxi skirt. For when you're on the run and need an outfit that can go from wandering the misty moors straight to a biker bar, I guess. She picks up the receiver to hear a low, rumbling voice. "Slayer. Meet me in the cemetery. Twenty minutes. Come alone." "Spike?" queries Buffy. Spike is forced to drop the act and admit that it's him. Buffy loudly says, "You have a lead on this frost monster?" for the benefit of her friends and to give them the impression that this is a business call. Spike wonders if she's "up for a little grunt work" of the demon-hunting variety. She, predictably, misunderstands him. Spike calls her on having her mind in the gutter, and she hangs up on him in disgust. Buffy? If you keep up with those Freudian slips, you're going to have yourself a whole outfit before too long.

By Sep

Bronze. Close-up of scantily clad cage-dancing boys. Please. If I wanna see half-naked boys in cages, I'll look three feet to my right. Up on the catwalk, Amy and Willow are wearing big smiles and start waving their hands and flinging magic around willy-nilly. You can tell it's magic because of all the colored trails of light emanating from their fingertips. Note to effects department: Effects that I can imitate myself with a ninety-nine-cent package of sparklers are far less special than I like my effects. The girls merrily change everything more to their liking. The band. The patrons. People are turned into sheep. It's all giggles with Wills and Amy.

Back to Spike and Buffy, who have taken the fight inside. "Poor little lost girl," snarls Spike. "She doesn't fit in anywhere. She's got no one to love." He swings from a crystal chandelier in an abandoned house and kicks Buffy in the chin. "Me?" she retorts. "Poor Spikey. Can't be a human. Can't be a vampire. Where the hell do you fit in?" as she throws him onto the fireplace hard enough to send a few bricks crumbling. "I'm in love with you," he croaks hoarsely from the hearth. Right. Love. I'm none too pleased with Buffy's behavior here, but at least she's not claiming to be IN LOVE with the person she's kicking the shit out of. Buffy: "You're in love with pain. You like me because you enjoy getting beat down." He throws her against the wall, causing a small avalanche of plaster.

Bronze. Witches are bored. As am I. I know that Willow and Amy are treading down a dark path, but it all seems so incredibly banal. I might have gotten a kick out of turning people into sheep when I was five, but now it just seems pointless. Willow waves her hand, and everything returns to normal. They decide to head off somewhere else to find bigger fun.

Buffy. Spike. Fight. She slams him against the wall. Banter about whether or not he's hurt her. Aside: I don't care how physically well matched they are. This scene is just disturbing on so many levels. These are two very, very screwed up people. And I certainly hope that it was Mutant Enemy's intent that we be disturbed by this, because otherwise I am completely confused as to the message that this is sending. Spike thinks that Buffy is afraid of giving him the opportunity to hurt her. "Afraid I'm going to…" he continues, but the rest of his sentenced is drowned out by the smushing of Buffy lips on lips of Spike. Suddenly there's all this…rocking, and the first time I saw this, my brain actually let me have a few blissful seconds during which I believed the movement was caused by the house collapsing around them, making them lose their footing or something.

By Sep

Summers Home For Wayward Witches, Semi-Recovered Mostly Alive People, And Characters That Used To Have Purpose But Now Get In The Way A Whole Lot. Willow comes in through the front door, and Amy cautiously peeks her head out of the kitchen. She's very edgy. At first, I thought that it was some lingering nervousness from being a rat, but she immediately encourages Willow to go party with her, which makes me think that Amy is high. And not on life. Willow wonders if perhaps Amy should call on her dad and let him know that she's okay, but Amy puts the kibosh on that plan, because this is Sunnydale and good father-daughter relationships will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law. Y'know, I wonder if Joss's dad ever watches this show and then calls his son to maybe try to get him to open up about his father abandonment issues. I can just see him leaving rambling, drunken messages on Joss's machine saying things like, "Boy. I always did love you and tried to do right by you. I didn't mean to leave you to fend for yourself on the island with the bad teeth and the treacle. I gave you the best that I had." I could go on, but it's probably libel at this point. So. Amy. She's up for "anything not involving a big wheel." Which is just so sad, because I remember how much joy my Big Wheel brought me. I used to put Bert and Ernie in the back and go tearing down the sidewalk. Happy as a clam. (You ever see a mopey clam?) Until the day I saw the Green Machine and my world expanded. Suddenly the sedate pace of my Big Wheel was just a tad too pedestrian. It was too babyish with its primary colors and actual handlebars. Plus you couldn't spin out anywhere near as well. To this day, every time I'm driving, I'm tempted to just yank up the parking brake. What's my point? Oh, yes. Big Wheels are good, and I think that many of the Buffyverse's problems could be solved by a little Big Wheel therapy. I wish I had an adult-sized one now. Willow seems reluctant to go out at first, but then easily gives in to Amy's blatant manipulations, to wit: "Or maybe you'd rather sit home all night. Alone. Like in high school." For some reason, Willow doesn't remember that she didn't spend a whole lot of time sitting home alone in high school. Granted, she spent a large amount of time in the library with a bunch of other outcasts that nobody wanted anything to do with. But that's not the point.

Basement. Warren inspects Spike's chip. Without opening Spike's head to do so. I mentioned this in annoyance to Ace, but she shut me up with, "They have an ice freezing ray, Sep. The rules are different for them." Which nicely sums up most of my problems with this entire arc. Get your Science out of my Horror/Fantasy/Drama/Comedy about perky California teenagers who rid the world of unspeakable evil, please! There's just a little too much fiction in that science, if ya know what I mean. Later, Spike is waiting while the rest of the Legion of Dim tries to make small talk with Spike. After a moment of Andrew's nattering on about Red Dwarf, Spike screeches for Warren to hurry the frelling heck up already. Warren rushes out and hands Spike a print-out. He gives it a cursory glance before handing it back, saying, "Help me out here, Spock. I don't speak loser." Warren sums it up for him, as I will here for you. Everything? Functional. Spike takes off, gleefully muttering. "Nothing wrong with me. Something wrong with her."

By Sep

Outside shot of Der Zauber Kasten. Buffy and Xanya exit and go their separate ways. Buffy rounds a corner and is startled by Spike, who's been skulking around waiting for her. He busts on her for ditching him, and he's wearing this gold necklace that is just awful. As if what they've done to his character isn't terrible enough -- now they're going to subject me to a Spike all dolled up in cheap gold jewelry and a THUMB RING? He warns her not to trifle with him, and she quips, "What are you going to do? Walk behind me to death?" Buffy's had enough of this conversation, but Spike stands in her way as she tries to leave. She tells him to get out of her way and then, in response to his taunting "or you'll what?" she decks him. He looks at her for a moment and then punches her right back. Buffy's eyes go wide with shock and maybe a little fear. She wonders how it's possible that he can hit her. Spike: "Don't you get it? You came back wrong." It's clear from his tone and expression that he's taking more than a little delight in telling Buffy this. I don't get it. This season we've seen Spike defanged to the point where they've practically had him playing horsy with asthmatic, orphaned children from underdeveloped nations, but now the second he gets his paws on a piece of information that he knows will hurt Buffy, he chooses to throw it in her face? That's not love, people. That's just petty. I know that I've long hoped for Spike's return to evil, but I don't believe that this is it. Especially on the heels of last week's episode, which seemed, after a fashion, to suggest that there isn't necessarily any inherent evil in Spike. (Although I have to agree with Ace's observation that what Spike was doing was closer to self-defense than nobility.) They're just toying with me at this point, and I have a sneaking suspicion that Count Schmoopula will be reprising his role before too long.

By Sep

Aw. Sweet relief of commercials. As I hit pause on the VCR, Martha Stewart's face fills my screen. Somehow, my mom has a special cable package that only has one channel: HGTV.

Martha, while stringing cranberry garlands: "Now I've never found any easy way to do this."
Sep: "Please. Get one of your henchvamps to do it for you."
Sep's Mom: "Dear. This isn't Buffy. Martha doesn't have henchvamps."
Sep: "Riiiiiight."

In the alley, it's a full-on brawl. For the few Spuffy-related paragraphs, just assume that every bit of dialogue is punctuated by someone knocking someone else in the kisser. Buffy claims that Spike's chip malfunction must be some sort of trick, but she's obviously extremely upset by the possibility that it isn't. He disagrees, saying, "Came back a little less human than you were." She shoves him inside a building.

By Sep

Ace: "How did this happen?"
Sep: "Oh, you know how it is. You're in the middle of a fistfight. Your pants fall down. thing you know, you're screwing someone. It's happened to all of us, I think."
Ace: "Thank God I got distracted thinking about the layers of clothing that mysteriously disappeared."
Sep: "Some people heard a zipper sound. You'll have to do your own fact-checking on that, though."
Ace: "Did I tell you that I read in The New Yorker that UPN is the only 'major' network without a Standards and Practices department?"
Sep: "What? UPN has no standards? you'll be telling me that the earth is round! Doesn't this show air at 7 PM where you are? Man, 7 PM isn't what it used to be. The Muppet Show used to be on at that time. I miss the good old days, when I never had to worry that Ms. Piggy would suddenly start dry-humping Kermit."