Crush

Previously, Spike had the hots for the Slayer and appeared to be threatened by a large and lumpy potato. Dawn finds out her nature, and Glory and Ben are a wee bit closer than most siblings who don't share the last name of Dollanganger.

Bronze. Grand re-opening. Look! It's the Bronze! With a band playing. Way to try and relive that glory-day vibe through nostalgic sets, eh? Too bad it's not at all like the Bronze of yore, what with the incredibly bright lighting. Down on the dance floor, Tara and Willow are dancing and (gasp!) are actually touching. Xander and Anya are also dancing, but really, the less said about THAT particular state of affairs the better. I get a giggle out of the fact that all of the extras in the Bronze are at least thirty-five. Probably to keep the gang looking younger by comparison. A few more seasons and they're going to be tripping over the extras' canes. Pan across the floor to a couch, where Buffy is sitting all sad and lonely in her leather pants. I brace myself for MopeyBuffy, but fortunately Spike comes on the scene and sits down to her and OH MY GOD. Spike! What the hell has happened? The chinos? The blue button-down shirt? Somebody help him! He's fallen into the Gap and can't get up. Which isn't to say he doesn't look hot, but it's just wrong. So Spike starts bitching about how they've upped the prices to pay for the renovations, and I guess for the first time since forever they've actually had enough cash to pay their electricity bill. Anyway. Buffy cuts him off at the knees verbally, asking him what the heck he's doing here. Spike thought Buffy could use some company, but is quickly disabused of that notion by Buffy's blank look. Spike tries to guilt Buffy, reminding her that he's really been helping a lot lately, but he's interrupted by Xander, who tells him to shove off with a "Hey Evil Dead, you're in my seat." Evil Dead eh? I'm just going to take that as a shout-out to me and my Evil Dead t-shirt that I ordered out of the Fangoria (shut up) catalog twelve years ago and have been wearing consistently ever since. David Fury must have seen me in it or something.

Spike stalks off, and Anya observes that Xander hurt Spike's feelings. Xander pretty much channels me when he says, "You should never hurt the feelings of a brutal killer." He reconsiders for a moment before adding, "You know, that's actually some pretty good advice." Xander, I mean Payday Man, offers to buy drinks for the gang. Willow requests water, but Xander scoffs, as that "poses no challenge for Payday Man," before noticing that Spike has snaked his change, and he goes off to track him down and -- CRAP. I just knocked the remote over and now I have to bend all the way down to the floor to pick it up. Why, WHY must I be taunted by objects that are not within arm's reach? Damn the inferior genetic material that gave me such stubby arms. Ahem. Sorry. That's my issue. Buffy notices Willow fumbling with a generic non-product-placed bottle of pain-relief tablets and asks after her frequent headaches. Tara chimes in with a "Honey, in case you didn't hear me the first six thousand times, no more teleportation spells." Yeah, I bet she says that to all the girls. Wait. What the hell does that even mean? I'm not making any sense here. I'm still off my game from over-exerting myself earlier, obviously. When I got up this morning, I promised myself that I could have a bit of tea and a lie down just as soon as I sat upright for a couple of hours and pressed a whole bunch of buttons with my fingers. I wasn't really planning on having to move today and I think I pulled something. Anyway. Buffy notices Ben sitting somewhere else and goes over to talk to him. Oh GREAT. You know how, whenever there's an outbreak of some sort of nasty infectious disease, during the news reports they often retrace the path of the virus on a map? Well, that's what my mind is doing with Ben right about now. First I only had to live in fear during the hospital scenes. But then he leached into the hospital parking lot. And now that he's just showing up at the Bronze all willy-nilly, he could just ooze on down the road anywhere his little slime trail will take him. Curses. Greasy Intern Ben is spreading. I wonder what his vector of infection is? Anyway. They talk. I ignore them. All is well.

Back to Xander and Spike. Xander: "The point is I work hard for that moneyyou stole it." "And you're making it into very hard work," snarks Spike. Ah, someone with a work ethic I can recognize, if not respect. So the whole point of this is that Spike notices that Buffy and Ben are talking and gets all worried.

A train pulls into the Sunnydale station, where the last working porter in America awaits. As the train comes to a stop, the porter seems surprised that nobody is disembarking. I wouldn't be. It's Sunnydale, for God's sack. Now if it were the train departing Sunnydale, that would make a lot more sense. So the porter goes inside to investigate. Uh oh. It looks like someone couldn't wait until they got to the dining car. Of course, to a vamp (oh, did I spoil that for you? It's been so long since we've had a real vamp on this show), I guess the whole damn train is a dining car. The porter catches sight of something, turns around, and runs screaming for the exit. He almost makes it, too. And thus endeth the last working porter in America.

Buffy returns home to find Dawn, Joyce, and Giles in the living room. Oh dear god, what is she wearing? Gold lam three-quarter-length coat? Okay, look, hon. You are an attractive girl. Some people might term you "hot beyond belief." But please believe me here when I say that nobody, and I mean no one, is hot enough to pull off the C3PO look. Anyway. Giles delivers one of his three lines, and Buffy follows him to the foyer. She mentions that everyone has been going easy on Dawn lately, but Giles tells her that they should just treat her as they always have. Thus satisfied, Buffy turns around and screams, "Dawn! What did I tell you about borrowing my clothing?" Dawn protests that she hasn't touched anything of Buffy's. For some reason, she doesn't point out that not even refugees from war-torn countries would willingly appropriate anything from Buffy's closet. Buffy demands to know what has become of her cashmere sweater, then, and we cut to

Spike, the laundry stalker. He's fondling Buffy's missing sweater when he's interrupted by Harmony in a skimpy negligee. Spike tries to rebuff her advances, but Harmony is very persistent. At her mention of "playing a game," a light bulb goes on over Spike's head.

"Oh I'm gonna stake you," threatens Harmony as she jumps into the frame, wearing Buffy's sweater and looking remarkably like the Buffy of the comic books. She skulks around the crypt doing a piss-poor Buffy imitation until a shirtless Spike tackles her to the ground.

Fade up on UC Sunnydale. Willow, Tara, and Buffy are having an utterly contrived discussion about The Hunchback of Notre Dame. Tara's outfit. I can't take it. They're breaking me. They're finally breaking me. I've lived through the maxi-skirts, the tops held together by dental floss, the copious amounts of shirred fabric, even the floor-length sweatshirt coat. But then they give me this top and I'm almost reduced to tears. Don't think I'm a wimp or nuthin'. I've been to Ross before. I've seen what gets sent to the retail outlet of misfit clothing and laughed in its face. But I just can't bring myself to even describe Tara's shirt. So anyway. The only reason they're discussing the book is to make a very obvious parallel between Spike and Buffy. Tara goes on to sum it up in terms that even the feeble-minded are sure to understand when she says, "You can tell it's not going to have a happy ending when the main guy's all bumpy." As they walk through the lounge, Buffy is distracted by the headline on a newspaper about the people murdered on the train and quickly deduces that it was a vamp attack.

Spike's crypt. Spike climbs up a ladder from somewhere below to find Dawn waiting for him. He tries to shoo her away because he has "bad evil things to do. That are not for a child's eyes." In a hard voice Dawn reminds him that she's not a human. Spike philosophizes, "Well I was. I got over it. It doesn't seem to me it matters very much how you start out." Y'all get what they're saying there, right? I don't need to break it down for you? Oh good, because if I get hit over the head with that line one more time on rewind, I'm going to start rivaling Giles, the current record-holder for "most likely to lose consciousness during any given episode." Dawn butters Spike up saying that she likes the way he talks to her, but then causes Spike to choke on his smoke when she claims that she "feels safe with [him]." She quickly amends that to "you have that whole superpower thing," and then distracts him by mentioning how even Buffy thinks that he's tough. Spike, all not at all casual, asks Dawn to tell him what else Buffy says about him.

At the Summers home, Buffy comes home to find Joyce worried because Dawn isn't home from school yet. Buffy is on the case and leaves again immediately to search for Dawn.

Back at the crypt, Spike is telling a transfixed and fascinated Dawn a lovely little story about how he massacred a helpless family. Y'know, just to remind everyone how Spike has done some Very Bad Things. Just in case we're getting complacent and starting to believe that he's good just because he's chipped. Right when he's getting to the part where he hears a little girl in the coal bin and is about to rip her throat out, Buffy storms in, ostensibly to ask for Spike's assistance in looking for Dawn, but really it's just to force a confrontation and move the plot along. She stops short when she sees her missing sister, and Dawn insists that Buffy let Spike tell the "really cool part" of the story before Buffy gets with the lecture. Ugh. I'm somewhat disturbed by that, but then I used to be heavily into the "true crime" genre at that age too. Although I don't know that I would've willingly sat down with Charles Manson and described his stories of brutal slayings as "really cool." With a steely tone, Buffy agrees: "Let's hear the story that Spike is telling my little sister." Spike, realizing that Buffy probably wouldn't approve of the truth, says, "Right. So. I knew the girl was in the coal bin. I rip it open, very violent, haul her out of there and then, I give her to a good family, in a nice home where they're never, ever mean to her and didn't lock her in a coal bin." Dawn pronounces the ending lame, and Spike tries to get in good with Buffy, but she doesn't respond except to tell Dawn to gather her things together.

Walking back home through the cemetery, Buffy lectures Dawn about making stupid decisions. Buffy warns her that hanging out with Spike is "dangerous and icky." Twirling a lock of hair around her finger, Dawn, in her role this episode as voice of the Buffy fan, says, "I don't think Spike's icky." Apparently because he's "got cool hair and wears cool leather coats and stuff." Buffy stops and proclaims that Dawn has a crush on Spike. Buffy reminds her that Spike is a murderer as well as being "dead and evil and a vampire." Dawn plays the Angel card in retaliation, but Buffy protests that Angel was "different," although if she really wanted to make a case, she could've pointed out how Buffy and Angel aren't exactly together now anyway. Dawn equates the having of a soul with the having of a chip, and please please please don't get me started on how incorrect that is. Anyway, the upshot is that Dawn spills the beans about Spike having a crush on Buffy, and Buffy gives Dawn the blankest blank look in Blankonia.

At the train station, Buffy and Xander tear down the police tape and enter the car that we last saw full of vamp leftovers. As they make their way inside, we see that there are all sorts of masking-tape outlines of the victims on the various seats, which really cracks me up but probably shouldn't. Buffy obviously has something on her mind, and after a few false starts she finally reveals to Xander that Spike is in love with her. Upon hearing this news, Xander laughs hysterically. Buffy, upset by Xander's lack of compassion, sinks into a seat, emulating the victim's pose within the tape outline and pouting, "It's creepy." Hee. I got a kick outta that. Xander assures her that she shouldn't get upset over "one of Spike's fevered daydreams." Xander asks how Dawn knew about this, and Buffy tells him that she's been spending time with Spike because she (Dawn) has a crush on him. Xander is visibly upset at this news because, as you remember, he takes a little too much pride in Dawn's crush on him. Buffy doesn't notice this and insists that they go because "there's nothing here." Nothing except a Miss Edith-like doll all tucked into the overhead bin. At this point I wonder to myself if maybe the K-9 units on the Sunnydale force perhaps also double as seeing-eye dogs, but then I remember that the police in Sunnydale are "deeply stupid."

Back at home, Buffy enters the kitchen to hear Joyce telling an amusing little anecdote to Dawn and Spike. She's irritated by Spike's presence, but follows him into the hallway when he says that he needs to give her a hot tip about the train attack. Buffy suggests that he "hit on Giles. Hit. Up. Giles," as she's all outta green. Spike gives her the information anyway, and they go to check it out.

Cut to Buffy sitting in the front seat of Spike's DeSoto. She gives him some sidelong troubled looks, and when he reaches across her, she gets all squealy. Ignoring her, he pulls a flask out of the glove box and takes a long swallow, afterwards offering it in Buffy's direction. "Ew," she replies. "It's not blood, it's bourbon," clarifies Spike. "Eeee-uw," enunciates Buffy in reply. As they wait, Spike starts drumming on the steering wheel and singing a Ramones tune. He turns to ask Buffy if she likes them, and I can just about guarantee that she doesn't, but we're spared her reply by the sight of two vamps entering the building they're staking out. Buffy and Spike go to check it out and enter to find two trashy-looking vamps, one popping Jiffy Pop (HA!) and the other going through a stack of CDs. The vamps stand in surprise as they recognize the Slayer and take off pronto. Buffy notes that the vamps in question have nested, and therefore couldn't have been involved in the murders. She is upset with Spike for wasting her time and stalks angrily towards the door. Spike hurries to get to it first so that he may open it for her. This is the last straw for Buffy, and she demands to know what's going on. "Is this a date?" she testily snits. "A DATE?" echoes Spike with outrage and then softly, hopefully, "Do you want it to be?" Buffy's face falls, and she walks off with an "oh my god." Spike claims that "it's not so unusual. Two people. In the workplace. Feelings develop." Buffy clarifies that those feelings are "loathing. Disgust." Which in Spike's twisted mind he equates with "heat. Desire." Buffy reminds Spike that he's a vampire; it's out of the question. Spike brings up Angel, and Buffy must really be sick of hearing that by now. She tersely reminds him that "Angel was good." Spike insists that he "can be too," and that he's changed. Buffy points out that a chip forcing one to curtail one's murderous actions isn't exactly equivalent to having a moral nature. Spike counters with, "Something's happening to me. I can't stop thinking about you. And if that means turning my back on the whole evil thing" Buffy cuts him off, but I'm going to interrupt here because Spike wanting to "do good" to impress Buffy really isn't any different than anything any other guy would do to try and get into her pants. It's merely more obvious, and she's right to dismiss it. Spike tries to profess his love. Buffy won't let him and takes off, but not before making it clear that he has no shot with her whatsoever.

Spike has returned to his crypt to lick his wounds. He puts his head in his hands and sniffs away some tears but realizes that he's not alone. "Who's there?" he asks. "A happy memory," replies Dru, stepping out from the shadows.