Blood Ties

Previously on Buffy: a monk expired, Glory pouted, a knight looked cuter lying down, Spike smoldered, and Glory turned out to be a god.

Der Zauber Kasten. Scooby conference. Willow and Tara encourage Buffy, who's wearing a pretty red top and skanky Pointer Sisters eighties-throwback metallic scarf, to have a party in celebration of her twentieth birthday. Buffy is reluctant, however, since she's anxious about facing down Glory. As Giles begins with the exposition, it becomes apparent that the Quentin Travers and his Cow-kids have already returned to England. Pooh. I wish he'd left behind a few of the Cow-kids for us to play with. It might have been fun. Not as concerned with plummy accented sexy librarian types as I am, Giles sets up the following: "Glory and two of her fellow hellgods ruled over one of the more seriously unpleasant demon dimensions." With this show, I'm never sure whether to capitalize "hell." Tara is surprised to hear about alternate dimensions, which gives Anya a chance to act smug and knowledgeable. Apparently, all these demon dimensions are looking for a way into ours, but what with professional wrestling, global warming, and the popularity of NASCAR, I really don't know why they bother. It seems that the CoW doesn't know why the demons bother either, because they could find no information as to what Glory is doing in our dimension. Buffy recaps the fact that we've seen super-strength from Glory but no super-powers, and Giles suggests that "being in human form must be severely limiting her powers." However, she's still "immortal, invulnerable and insane." As Giles prepares a nice cup of tea, he further tells that which we already know, namely that Glory is maintaining her sanity by tapping energy from human brains. "S-she's a brain sucker?" stutters Tara, looking quite disturbed. Yes, I fear it is so, and thank goodness we're all having to sit through the Scoobies extremely steep learning curve and waste valuable time reiterating things we've been shown multiple times.

Buffy hops up from the table, and I envy her cute red top with the bell sleeves (why are bell sleeves always too short on me?) as she obviouses that they need to find a way to defeat Glory. Doy, Buffy. Hey, Giles just handed her a cup of tea, but no one else got one! Watcher's pet. Willow offers to help with spells, and Anya pipes up, "I can do some research. I know way more about demon dimensions than Giles does. [at Giles's glare] Well, I do!" Because he doesn't have special skills to contribute, Xander -- his arm still in a cast -- asks about the key that Glory is obsessed with finding. Buffy looks contemplative and tries to brush off the question, but Willow and Xander push the point and Buffy admits that she and Giles know the location of the key. This news surprises Xander and causes Willow to look very hurt. Buffy tries to explain that she was protecting the gang, but continued hurt looks from Willow cause her to decide to spill the beans. Giles gently asks if she's sure, and Buffy says, "There's something that you need to know -- about Dawn."

Hoo, knights! At night! In the forest. A bunch of the Knights of Borezantium are standing around a fire, toasting marshmallows on their long, manly swords. Hee, not really. Instead, they're chanting, "The Key is the link. The link must be severed. Such is the will of god." Again, I'm unsure about the capitalization for "god" -- but wait, this Key is a key, it's a portal, and now it's a link? I think Dawn really is the cosmic VCR that JHeaton suggested. As the Knights enjoy their little Boy-Scout outing, they're set upon by a crowd of Glory's scrofulous minions. They fight. The Knights win, and just as their leader ("Orlando," or so sayeth the closed captioning) is about to off Jinx, Glory happens upon the scene. Guess she was keeping her superior strength in reserve 'cause she didn't want to mess up her manicure or her strappy shoes. Glory makes short work of the Knights and leaves only Orlando alive. I'm not sure, but I don't think Orlando is the Knight who looked cuter lying down from last week. I could be wrong, though.

After the credits and a really pretentious, off-putting black-and-white ad for Visa and the Tony awards, we're outside Der Zauber Kasten during the day. Willow and Tara are carefully spilling colored sand on the ground, and poor Tara is dressed in a skirt made out of an entire beige bed-sheet. Dawn twinkles up, all dressed in pastels, which makes an interesting (or noxious, you be the judge) contrast to the earth tones on Tara and the bright solids Willow is wearing. Dawn asks what's up, and Willow explains that she and Tara are doing a spell that will warn the gang if a hellgod approaches the store; they've already done a similar spell around the Summers home. Tara stutteringly adds that the spell will help hide the Key. Dawn wants to help, but the witches get all weird and reject her offer. Feeling left out, Dawn huffs into the store. Damn, I don't care how old she is, nobody should be wearing skin-tight pink jeans. I'm just sayin'. The Paul Frank monkey backpack is cute, though. The witches reflect on what they've learned about Dawn and finish their protection spell.

Inside the store, Dawn greets Anya and Xander; Xander does his best to act normally by tickling Dawn, which leads her to ask in a tone of mock severity, "Did you get into the sugar again?" Suddenly, Anya turns to her and stiffly exclaims, "You make a very pretty little girl!" Okay, heh. As Dawn looks annoyed, Xander hustles Anya away. Giles and Buffy exit the training room, and Giles, jotting in his Watcher's diary, suggests Buffy's training sessions should be harder. Buffy isn't too pleased with this suggestion and teases, "Maybe time I patrol I should carry a load of bricks and use a stake made of butter." For some reason, SMG chooses to end that line with a big ol' hair toss. Tone it down, girl; this ain't one of your Maybelline commercials. They approach the counter and make chit-chat with Dawn about school, which she describes as "a big square building filled with boredom and despair." Hey, Murray Junior High in St. Paul, Minnesota, I'm thinking of you. Hey, maybe Glory is a god from a dimension where it's all junior high, all the time. I would describe that as a very "seriously unpleasant" demon dimension, wouldn't you? ["Actually, it sounds like my first job out of college." -- Sars] And it would explain Glory's whiny all-about-me attitude and unstable temperament. She's the personification of thirteen-year-old hell. But uh, I was writing a recap here, I think. Buffy asks Dawn if she has homework, and as Dawn replies in the affirmative, she notes that Giles has hidden away his diary. Buffy then says she can't help with the homework because she has things to do. Dawn wants to know if the things have to do with Glory, but Buffy lies and says no. They banter, and Dawn amuses me by snotting that Buffy is just pissed because Glory is prettier than she is. Hee. The sibling banter continues, and the scene ends.

Glory's apartment. Glory has Orlando tied with his arms above his head in the middle of the room. Let's play master and servant. I hear it's a lot like life. I wonder if the place came with the bondage fixtures or if Glory had them installed for her own amusement? Speaking of amusement, or lack thereof, Glory is outfitted in a gold lam strapless ensemble with a gold dangly necklace that really does confirm the much dreaded eighties revival. Bad clothing choices aside, Glory wants to know where the Key is, but of course Orlando won't tell her. Blah blah, Glory teases the knight about fearing intimacy and then, hands under his shirt, rubs herself on him like a cat. The dialogue is written like she's going to jump his bones, but of course the "something" she wants from him is his sanity. Why are all these knightly bit players so much more attractive than Ben? I don't understand the Buffy casting department failure in the Ben department, since they made such a good choice with Michelle Trachtenberg. Anyway, Glory sticks her hands in Orlando's head, light shoots out, he screams, she looks happy.

Big pile of presents on the coffee table in the Summers home. "Pressies," chirps Buffy, which reminds me of my sister, who says that all the time and got it from Blackadder. Attending the party, from left to right, are Joyce, Dawn, Xander, Giles, Tara, Anya, and Willow, who's wearing a silly party hat. Buffy takes a present from Tara and as she opens it, Anya covets all the presents, and in particular the dress that Tara and Willow have given Buffy (which has an Eiffel tower print that looks like it might have made a cute scarf, but is rather startling in dress yardage). Anya wishes the dress was hers and then grumps that the rest of them were thinking the same thing. Giles turns to Xander and snarks, "I'm fairly certain I wasn't. I've got one just like it." Dawn prompts Buffy to open her present , and inside the wrapping is a picture of the two of them in a frame covered with shells. Dawn explains that the picture and the shells come from a visit the girls had with their father, and everyone in the room becomes sad and quiet. My eyes tear up a little. Sniff. Buffy hugs Dawn close and shares a sad smile with Joyce.

Later, Joyce, Giles, and Buffy are in the kitchen discussing the nature of Dawn. Jeez, guys, you might want to be a little more circumspect. Buffy spots Dawn outside the kitchen, and although she hasn't heard anything, Dawn can tell that Buffy's reaction to her is strange. She claims she was getting plates for cake and returns to the family room, where Xander and Anya are canoodling and Willow is slicing cake. Dawn senses a tense vibe here too and demands to know, "Why does everybody start to act weird when I'm around?" Xander and Anya attempt to claim that they were talking about sex, but as Buffy, Giles, and Joyce enter the room, Dawn is not convinced. She thinks everyone is talking about her, and storms out to go to bed. Upstairs, she slams the door to her room and gets a thinky-face.

Dawn climbs down a trellis in the Summers back yard. She backs away from the house and bumps into Spike. Yay, Spike! He claims to have not been lurking, but rather "standing about," and Dawn takes on a very sarcastic tone as she notes that he's carrying his much-abused box of chocolates. What, he couldn't steal a new, un-battered box? One which he hadn't used to beat the crap out of the Buffyquin? Spike leans in close and tries to intimidate Dawn, but she just giggles and says, "C'mon, I'm badder than you." Hee. Spike asks if Dawn was "sneaking out to braid hair and watch Teletubbies with [her] mates," so Dawn confides that she's actually planning to break into Giles's shop to steal things. You can see the wheels turning in Spike's brain as he realizes that the walk to the shop could be dangerous, and that Buffy would be unhappy if anything happened to Dawn. "You want to come steal some stuff?" invites Dawn, and Spike actually looks interested as he replies, "Yeah, all right."

Outside Der Zauber Kasten, Spike is picking the lock as Dawn holds the chocolate box. He gets the door open and sneers with a cocky tilt of his head, "Who's bad now?" Uh, it'll take a lot more than that, m'dear. Inside, he's a little disappointed to hear the whole "caper" is only to steal a book, and starts to help himself to knickknacks on the counter as Dawn looks for Giles's Watcher diary. She finds it in a secret drawer under the counter. Sometime later, Spike and Dawn have made themselves cozy on the floor, surrounded by candles. As Dawn reads from the diary, Spike grouses, "Where'd [Giles] learn to write so bloody small? A fruit fly?" Dawn continues to read from the diary about monks and keys, boring Spike as much as she's boring me, I guess, since he starts wandering around the store. "Hey! Troll hammer!" he exclaims and attempts to lift the hammer, which slams back to the ground with a heavy clang. Uh, all I can say is whatever, after the way that hammer seemed to be made of Styrofoam in "Triangle." Oh hey, one of the candles Dawn is reading by is shaped like a unicorn. That cracks me up. I wonder if Giles sells bongs shaped like Gandalf too. According to Giles's diary, the Key is an "energy matrix vibrating at a dimensional frequency beyond any normal human perception." I wonder if the Key is dimensionally transcendental. Is Dawn bigger on the inside than she is on the outside? What? I'm just curious. You know what this show needs? A robot dog! Robot dogs always make things better. As Dawn reads that insane people can perceive the Key, she flashes back to the different crazies she's encountered this season. Spike munches on the chocolates and wonders if the Key is valuable. Dawn reads further that the Key is susceptible to "necromanced animal detection," and flashes back to our old friend Fake the Snake. Hi Fake. Bye Fake. Haven't missed ya. Don't come back. At this point Spike takes the diary from Dawn and reads further, revealing, "They had to be certain the Slayer would protect [the Key] with her life so they sent [it] to her in human form. In the form of her sister." With a flair for the obvious, Spike then tells the shocked Dawn, "Huh. I guess that's you, niblet."