Who watches the watchermen?

S05E12

Previously on Buffy: in season three, the nasty Council of Watchers commanded Giles to drug Buffy on her eighteenth birthday so that she lost her Slayer powers. She was then locked in a house with a crazed vampire, whose ass she eventually managed to kick. The CoW fired Giles for having fatherly feelings towards the Slayer, and Buffy eventually quit working for the CoW when they wouldn't help cure Angel after Faith shot him with a poisoned arrow. Shoot that poised arrow, through my hea-aart. Cool, my eighties flashback is over now. In these past-season clips, SMG acted her little butt off and looked real purty. This season, Dawn overheard Buffy, Joyce, and Giles discussing her.

Nighttime at the Summers home. There's a meeting of the Scooby gang, and Buffy tidies the living room, apologizing for the mess; she hasn't had time to do housework as well as save the world, break up with her boyfriend, take care of her sick mother and not-sister, and worry about Glory. I think I'll forgive her -- I've used far more flimsy excuses to explain my messy house on occasion. For some reason the writers can't just let go of the Mistake That Was Riley, and scripted a little tense moment where Buffy finds one of his sweaters behind the sofa. How long has that been there anyway? It's an army-green commando sweater the likes of which Riley didn't wear after the second or third episode this season. Giles has apparently called the meeting to announce that the CoW has discovered information about Glory and will reveal it when they arrive in Sunnydale. Understandably upset, Buffy stutters her disapproval. Some blather from the gang, including what has to be a purposefully awful British accent from Xander, and Giles is moved to defend the Watchers as having the "same agenda" as the Scooby gang: "Save the world and kill demons." Mandatory worry from Anya about the Watchers being ex-demon-incompatible. Buffy asks that Giles tell the CoW not to come, but it seems they are already on their way. Uh oh, the CoW delegation will be headed by Quentin Travers, who was responsible for firing Giles; I'm surprised Giles is so sanguine about the whole thing. Buffy expositions that the CoW have tried to kill her twice, once with the eighteenth birthday test and once when she was magically trapped in Faith's body; poor Tara gets a naive line about having supposed that English people are "gentler," because she's not a demon after all, she's just a hick. And if you want to know how "gentle" the English people can be, just go ask the Irish. Willow suggests that the CoW won't try to kill Buffy this time, and Buffy protests that she doesn't want them in town to screw up the delicate balance. She almost slips up by mentioning that she's busy looking out for Dawn, and shares a glance with Giles when Xander points out (incorrectly, but he doesn't know) that Buffy has always had to do that. As Buffy and Giles continue to discuss the matter, Dawn creeps down the stairs to listen. It doesn't seem she's heard much of import when she is joined by Joyce, a headscarf covering what in the hospital was covered well enough by a tiny Band-Aid. Joyce sends Dawn back to bed, and Buffy freaks that she might have been listening. Willow: "Does it matter? I mean, is she really going to set the junior high school buzzing with 'Ooh, there's a delegation a-coming'?" Buffy tries to brush off her seeming overreaction, and Giles suggests that the Council visit will help them "get a grip on" what they're dealing with.

A sweaty, tousled Glory is lying on the floor of her apartment, panting and looking generally not well. The door bursts open, and two Dreggy henchmen throw a postman on the floor in front of Glory. As the postman struggles and screams, Dreg (I think it's Dreg, but I'm confused as to why this is the only appearance he makes in this episode) instructs the other underling to help Glory. Glory is dragged across the floor, and her hands are held up to the mailman's head so that she can sink her fingers in and do her sanity-sucking maneuver. As her mouth opens wide, we're treated to a view of her fillings. I guess even minor deities can't even get their insurance companies to pay for the tooth-colored type. Both she and the postman fall to the floor as the henchmen look victorious. Hmm, along with her insanity Glory seems to have transferred her sweaty disheveled appearance to the postman, as she herself now looks healthy and groomed. Glory admonishes the henchmen not to take so long time and instructs Dreg, "Take this mess out with the rest of the trash." Maybe that's what keeps happening to my copies of Entertainment Weekly? As Glory admires herself in a mirror, the other underling tells her she must "act quickly" if she plans to "use the Key." Hardly new news to any of us. Glory is tired of Sunnydale ("not enough retail outlets") and muses that perhaps "Mousy the Vampire Slayer" knows the location of the Key.

By Sep

Credits, finally. That was long teaser.

Der Zauber Kasten. Giles speaks with a customer, but is interrupted by the arrival of Quentin Travers and at least six Watcher flunkies. Who will now be generically referred to as CoWboys or girls so I don't have to learn any of their names. None of them appears to be the ultra-thuggy "wet works"-type Watcher, though. Quentin seems resolved to be the alpha male right off the bat, and begins establishing his territory by peeing in all the corner of Giles's shop. Not really, but he does decline to introduce Giles to the other Watchers, who spread out silently to inspect the store, and also declines a tour of the shop, dryly saying, "I think I can see what you've been up to." Anya, looking very pretty in a retro wrap dress, looks agitated by the nosy Watchers as Giles babbles a little in the face of Quentin's disapproving air. Giles becomes even more flustered as one CoWboy with dark hair and an accent I can't place suggests that most things in the store are harmless "dime-store trinkets," but a few are potentially harmful. A CoWgirl of the sexy librarian genre (blonde hair in a bun, severe glasses) chimes in that Giles has a very dangerous statue that "has the power to melt human eyeballs." Oh, she has a lovely voice; I loved the way she said "eyeballs." Quentin delivers the final emasculating blow by having a CoWboy close down Giles's shop and herd out the customers. Anya finally figures out that these pesky people are the Council and attempts to make a hasty retreat. As Giles protests the CoW's tactics, Quentin asks Anya if she works in the store. She replies that she does, and, worried about her ex-demon status, she throws in a cover story about moving from Indiana where she was "raised by both a mother and a father."

In one of the "humorous" segues popular this season, we see Buffy yawning widely in class; she taps, then drops, her pencil. The professor lectures that Rasputin's assassins found it "nearly impossible" to kill him, and Buffy quietly echoes "nearly impossible," which prompts her professor to rip into her. Clearly Dr. Crankypants drinks too much caffeine and needs to start filling it to the rim with Brim. Which I don't think is even made anymore, so scratch that old joke. Then there's an exchange between Buffy and the prof wherein Buffy demonstrates that she has done the reading by knowing a lot about Rasputin, but implies that perhaps he didn't die by drowning after all. That's better than I can do right now. All I can remember is the Too Much Joy song about reincarnation that contains the line, "I was Rasputin. I was all the chicks he had." The professor chides her that the "academic community" accepts Rasputin's death as a fact, Buffy makes a snotty remark about Columbus not discovering North America, and the professor gets pissy that Buffy finds "the facts" boring. Apparently, he's had problems with her in the past, namely that she has an unconventional approach to the "mysterious sleeping patterns of the Prussian generals." He mocks her quite cuttingly. This is a well-written scene, in that it implies but never blatantly states that Buffy's life with the supernatural is leading her to view the subjects taught in college in a unique light, but I think the stereotypical Paper Chase-type professor is overdrawn. At a state school, you'd probably get your ass sued by a bunch of angry moms for inflicting "mental anguish" on their poor little dears. Ask Ace -- she'll tell you some stories about state schools.

Later, Buffy is venting her anger at her instructor as she fights a vampire. She throws him to the ground and sneers a line the professor said to her, "Maybe you'd like to teach your own class!" which causes the vamp to look around and dimly inquire, "Who're you talking to?" They fight, and suddenly Spike comes flying over a backhoe and dusts the vamp. He grins, looking quite proud of himself. Buffy storms up and demands to know why he interfered. Spike assures her it wasn't for money, but for her "heart-felt gratitude." "I expect I'll be getting that any minute," he quips. Instead, of course, Buffy snaps at him and they begin to bicker. Buffy storms off, looking smashing in her black turtleneck, long crucifix pendant, and fitted black leather duster. Spike hurries behind her, and when Buffy says she doesn't need a boyfriend or anyone else to rescue her, he sneers, "Don't need, or can't keep?" She calls him disgusting, but (yay) we're seeing a return of the old, nasty Spike and he keeps pace with her, suggesting various reasons why she can't keep a boyfriend. "Maybe your beauty's fading!" he cheerily suggests. "Things not as high, not as firm," he continues, making a lewd breast-cupping gesture. Hee! Instead of smacking him a good one, Buffy grits out, "You know what, Spike? The more I get to know you, the more I wish I didn't." Spike's not done with her yet and smugly replies, "Or maybe...you just don't hold their interest." He turns on his heel and walks away, leaving an exasperated Buffy behind him.

By Sep

Not-Dreg sidles into Glory's dressing room. Hey, according to the closed captioning, his name is Jinx! Whatever. I hate Jinx. He's like the New Coke of obsequious trolls. Anyhoo, Glory, clad only in a red towel, wants to know what happened to Jinx's face, and we see that he's covered in cuts and bruises. Well, I think they're bruises; it's hard to tell with all the crustiness. As Glory slathers on lotion, Jinx explains that the beating is a "message from Ben. He isn't going to help." Glory repeats this, as though she has genuinely never heard such a phrase in her life. She seems very confused. Glory rants about Ben refusing to help and actually says, "He could seduce [Buffy] and bang the Key out of her!" Pretty crass for eight p.m.! Is Xander going to be described as "throwing a hump into" Anya? Sheesh. Jinx describes Ben as "quite attractive," and Glory snaps, "Well, of course he's attractive!" Hmmmmm. Glory cuddles Jinx up against the wall, and as he waves his hands nervously, she croons, "Sweet bumpy minion. You're the only one that understands." Hee -- for some reason I'm finding Glory somewhat more amusing this scene. She flings her hands up, saying Ben "makes [her] sooo mad," and Jinx cowers, thinking he's going to get his brain sucked. Oh, I just went to a scary mental place. Ew. Glory stomps off, muttering that she'll find Buffy herself, and Jinx breathes a sigh of relief.

At the magic shop, the CoW delegation has departed. Buffy is slumped at the table as Giles points out for the viewers just joining in, "It's a power play. That's what it is. It's about who has the power." Is Giles trying to go for a new nickname, like Rupert Two-Times? Buffy sulks that there's a "big power outage in Buffy County." They discuss whether she could have hit Quentin, and Giles declares that if she can't, he will. Aw, poor kids. Buffy asks if the Council can really deport Giles as they threatened, and he confirms that they have much power in that area. Buffy is worried about the review, in particular past decisions she has made. Giles assures her that she has done nothing wrong and that the CoW is acting wrongly, holding his green card hostage and all. She quietly says that that was a smart decision: "They picked the perfect thing. I can't lose you." Awwwwww. They share a nice moment. Buffy wonders how the CoW will begin their review.

Xander's apartment. We see Anya stating, "Anya Christina Emmanuella Jenkins." Well, if you get to make up a name, might as well squeeze in anything that catches your fancy. She tells a cute fabricated story about having been born on the fourth of July and blathers on. Xander, slumped beside her, looks very uncomfortable.

Willow and Tara are talking to a CoWboy in their dorm room. He says he needs to know more about the Slayer and their relationship. Wacky music plays. The witches are flustered.

Willow: We're friends.
Tara: Good friends.
Willow: Girlfriends, actually.
Tara: Yes, we're girlfriends.
Willow: We're in love. We're lovers. We're lesbian gay-type lovers. [places her hand on Tara's knee]
CoWboy [dryly]: I meant your relationship with the Slayer.
Tara [embarrassed]: Umm, just good friends.

Boy howdy. Does anyone else get the impression that Joss finally got a memo from 20th Century Fox or the WB okaying him to use the words "gay" and "lesbian" in conjunction with Willow and Tara?

Xander tells the big CoWboy that he, Willow, and Buffy are best friends, and that he and Willow have helped Buffy "since the beginning." Since the beginning of the series, I guess he means, because they certainly haven't helped since the beginning of her career as a Slayer. Big CoWboy wants to know if Xander has "mastered any fighting disciplines," and on Xander's negative reply, he points out that Xander has "no special skills, or powers or knowledge that [he] bring[s] to the mix." Anya interjects that they have enthusiasm for killing demons, in case we forgot that she's an ex-demon, because we're all so likely to forget that since they never point it out and all. Xander says he helps, and mentions the spell that was performed in "Primeval." Big CoWboy is surprised and wants to know if Buffy often needs that kind of help.

Cut to Willow and Tara protesting that Buffy doesn't need their help. Willow enthusiastically explains that they help with magic, and starts in on her ball of sunshine theory. Hello to the continuity! The dark-haired CoWboy inquires "what level" the witches have. They of course have no idea what he's on about and bluster an answer. "Five!" declares Tara with confidence. The CoWboy then asks if the witches are "registered as practicing witches" under their names as they gave them to him. More lying from the girls.

Blah, blah. More interrogation of Xander and Anya. Xander tells the big CoWboy that Buffy's "saved [his] life lots of times. The vampires in this town hate her."

Which is of course a cue for a Spike scene. He's in his crypt, two CoWboys holding him at bay with a crossbow and crucifix, while the librarian-type CoWgirl stands behind them asking questions. And I have a few questions. Namely, how they would even know that he's been involved with Buffy lately, and furthermore, why they would see anything coming from a vampire as worthwhile information. I'm sure the gang had enough sense not to mention Spike during their interviews. Anyway. Spike mentions to the CoWgirl that he's noticed that Buffy hasn't been as effective lately. He attributes it to the fact that she "can't keep a man…a few more disappointments and she'll be crying on [his] shoulder." The CoWgirl seems surprised at this and muses, "I'd think you'd want to kill her. You've killed Slayers before." At this point Spike turns on the charm so effectively that he's got me ogling him in an effort to find the switch as he glides a little closer and asks, "Heard of me, have you?" The CoWgirl bashfully mentions that she "wrote [her] thesis on [him]." This tickles Spike's fancy, and he asks her to tell him if Buffy's gotten "high marks in all categories" so far.

In the training room of Der Zauber Kasten, one of the CoWboys is blindfolding Buffy. They're going to test her agility, clarity, stamina, and strength. She will demonstrate this by defending the Xander-dummy from an axe-armed CoWboy while Quentin yells hints to her in Japanese. Because that's exactly like what Buffy does on a day-to-day basis. Remember that episode where...oh never mind, it's not at all like anything Buffy ever needs to do. Y'know, this sounds suspiciously like some sort of corporate-retreat trust-building exercise. I live in fear of those. The CoWgirl calls time, and things don't start well at all. Giles helpfully tries to translate Quentin's instructions, but he's usually a second too late. Buffy throws a few karate-type arm movements, and the Foley artists dub in swooshy air noises in a vague attempt to make those gestures seem in any way powerful. "I thought you've been training her?" derisively remarks Quentin. "I've been training her to win," retorts Giles testily. Buffy quickly tires of Quentin's game and dispatches the CoWboy her way. Unfortunately, she also wings the axe backwards, where it neatly plants itself in the Xander-dummy's throat, knocking over the CoWboy behind it. Buffy whirls around, removing the blindfold, and immediately starts making excuses and asks if she can try again later. Quentin replies that they won't need anymore physical tests, probably so the rest of his CoWhands don't get killed. He tells her to prepare for the strategy portion, which will begin that evening.

Buffy desolately walks through the front door, calling out for her mom. As she walks by the dining room, the music gets loud and rushy to let us know that the appearance of Glory is supposed to be threatening instead of groan-worthy. "Long day, sweetie?" inquires Glory. She goes on to make a bit of chitchat, which I will ignore because it is, as usual, superfluous. While she's prattling, Buffy picks up a poker from the fireplace, the better to bash Glorificus over the head with, but when she turns around, Glory is right there. "Buffy," she clucks, "if I wanted to fight you could tell by the being dead already." Glory gets down to the reason for her visit; she wants information about the Key. Glory blathers on about how insignificant Buffy is when Dawn wanders into the room behind Glory. Buffy gives her a wide-eyed warning look, and Dawn slowly retreats after making the requisite snotty face. However, right before she's about to leave, Glory, not missing a beat, says, "Kid! C'mere a sec." Glory tries to pump Dawn for information. At Buffy's insistence that Dawn relocate to the second floor, Dawn snots, "You're always talking about stuff I'm not supposed to hear. I'm going to figure it out, you know," before flouncing out. Glory pronounces Dawn "sassy." "And I'll kill her. I'll kill your mom. I'll kill your friends. And I'll make you watch when I do." Buffy stands there stone-faced, and normally I would commend her acting skills, but there's really no point, since Glory is about as menacing as the bag of Trader Joe's reduced-fat cheese puffs sitting to me. Glory gets up in Buffy's face, telling her that the offer is for a limited time only. "time we meet, something you love dies bloody." Ugh, whatever. Why didn't she just gut Dawn then and there with a fireplace poker? It'd be a lot easier for me to find Glory menacing if Clare Kramer didn't always sound stuffed up like she had some perpetual low-grade cold. Think about it. "The netht thyme we meet thomething you wuv dies bwloody" just doesn't quite get it done. Glory takes her leave, and a second later Joyce wanders in, looking like some sort of dazed gypsy with her head-rag and hoop earrings. Buffy resolutely tells her to pack a bag.

Spike is surprised awake by a stray ray of sunlight that Buffy lets in when she enters. He peers over her shoulder to see that she's brought Dawn and Joyce with her. He inquires about the "family outing," and Buffy asks him to look after the fam. "Well, that's a boatload of manly responsibility to come flying out of nowhere," says he. When Buffy plays to Spike's ego by asserting that he's "the only one strong enough to protect them," he agrees. Which doesn't really make sense, since we've never seen Spike best Buffy easily, Glory can throw her around like a little doll, and she probably would have done better to ship Joyce and Dawn out to see Aunt Darlene in Podunk, Wisconsin or wherever. Given that it took Glory almost half the season to even crack a phonebook trying to find the Slayer, it probably wouldn't be too hard to slip them out of town without her noticing. Just as long as they aren't hiding near any outlet malls, they should be fine. So Buffy takes off, and Spike warns them not to make much noise, as Passions is coming on soon. At the mention of Passions, Joyce perks right up and asks Spike if he thinks Timmy is really dead. They engage in an animated conversation while Dawn looks on, disgusted. BWA HA HAA HA! I so wish that Spike and Joyce could get their own spin-off. Something like a One Day At A Time for the new century.

Over at Der Zauber Kasten, the Scoobies are sitting up on the second floor, legs dangling over the edge, watching the CoWhands prepare and reminding me of the crotchety old men in the balcony on The Muppet Show. Tara asks why Giles doesn't kick them out, and Xander whispers, "Because if they deport him they're not just destroying his career, they're condemning the man to a lifetime diet of blood sausage, bangers and mash." Don't forget steak and kidney pie! Kidneys are the body's filter. Which makes a kidney pie about as appealing as taking the filter out of your AC unit and serving it up for dinner. Ew.

Cut to Buffy, who is hurrying down an alley to Der Zauber Kasten when she's tackled by some guy wearing a chain mail veil. He knocks her down, and when she gets up, she's surrounded by three of them, all twirling very shiny long sticks. Who are these freaks? Some sort of majorette troupe? Anyway, they twirl closer and closer to Buffy and…wait for it…they fight. I'm thinking that after the twin horrors of Fake the Snake and the Queller Feller, they decided to give the "special effects" department a few weeks off to go take some sort of refresher course, which is why we're seeing human-shaped adversaries lately. So Buffy quickly dispatches all but one of the majorettes and then finally tackles him. She pulls off his chain-mail mask to reveal a guy with a big tattoo on his forehead muttering, "And I would have gotten away with it too if it wasn't for you darn kids!" or maybe he mutters something about being a Knight of Byzantium. Some ancient order that will pursue Buffy as long as she protects the Key. Oh, I see. They're not just majorettes. They're mystical majorettes. He begs Buffy to get on with the killin', but she seems to have a moment's pause and eventually tells him to go. He runs off down the alley, hoping to make his appointment at the State Fair, where he will twirl his little stick with fire on the end of it.

By Sep

Buffy walks into Der Zauber Kasten, still carrying the mystical majorette's sword. Quentin needles her about being late and then goes right into his spiel. Buffy lays the sword down on the table in front of him, completely covering the book he had been thumbing through. "There isn't going to be a review," says she. "No interrogation. No questions you know I can't answer. No hoops. No jumps." To the CoWboy who is about to break in: "No interruptions." Buffy finally realizes that she has something that everyone needs. "You guys didn't come all the way from England to determine whether I was good enough to be let back in. You came to beg me to let you back in. To give your jobs, your lives some semblance of meaning." At this the dark-haired CoWboy sputters in affront, but he's quickly cut short (geddit?) by Buffy picking up the discarded sword and flinging it sideways without so much as a glance. It sticks in the wall, quivering, a few inches away from him. "I'm fairly certain I said no interruptions," Buffy chides him. Up in the peanut gallery, Xander approvingly murmurs, "That was excellent." Indeed.

Buffy goes on to say that, without a Slayer, the CoW can do nothing with their information on Glory, and then she lays down the law. Basically, they're going to cooperate with her fully, der Zauber Kasten will stay in business, and Giles will be her official Watcher again with a full salary -- "to be paid retroactively," she amends, after a *cough* retroactive *cough* cue from Giles. She also states that she's going to continue working with the Scoobies. When CoWgirl wonders if that is really a good idea (prefacing her comment with a "I don't want the sword thrown at me"), Buffy defends them. Quentin agrees to the terms and then asks Giles to bring him a glass of the single-malt scotch he has hidden behind the incense. Before Giles can oblige, Buffy interrupts him. She wants to know immediately what kind of demon Glory is. "Well, that's the thing, you see. Glory isn't a demon. She's a god." Uh huh. And I am now, officially, an atheist.