Previously on Buffy, Spike is having nasty thoughts about Buffy, Tara flubs a spell to reveal demonic energy, and Marci needs to find "the key." "The key isenergy," rasps a brutally beaten Monk. Yes, it's true that if we could find a viable energy source, we could eliminate fossil fuels and save the planet! Oh, he's talking about Dawn. Dawn's the key. Check.
"Tell me a story," burbles Willow from off-screen. Tara obliges her with a story of a kitty that nobody wanted while we watch Miss Kitty Fantastico worry a toy on the floor. Is Tara's secret that she's trapped Miss Kitty in an unnatural state of permanent adolescence? That cat hasn't grown a bit. Willow indicates that she's upset by the story so far (at least, I think that's what she's saying -- I can't quite make it out through all the gurgling baby-talk) so Tara says that "one daya man came and swooped her up and took her to the pound," as she swoops Miss Kitty up onto the bed, where Willow is nestled under the covers and Tara sits at the foot. Nice Mission-style headboard you've got there, Willow. I hear that's a very popular style of dorm-issued furniture this year. Not. Tara continues, "And at the pound there were lots of other kitties and puppies and some ferrets." Ah. This pound is not in California, then. Ferrets are illegal here. Also, pounds tend to kill kitties that nobody wants. Except in San Francisco. Willow coos that she's sleepy, but Tara wants to keep the light on to research spells. "That's fine," says Willow, "I don't need to be snuggled." "Vixen," shoots back Tara with a smile. Hmmm, yes. I see that chemistry set I ordered hasn't arrived yet. Willow comments that Tara has been spending a lot of time burning the ritual candle at both ends, and Tara replies that she wants to keep up with Willow and be useful to the gang, because she doesn't feel like she brings anything to the group. Willow reassures her that she's "essential," and with a smile Tara climbs under the covers to snuggle in the crook of Willow's arm.
"I don't know what to say," is Giles's reply to Buffy informing him about Dawn's identity in the Summers' living room. They discuss strategies to keep Dawn safe -- mainly, sending her away. Giles suggests sending her to live with Hank, but Buffy shoots that down with the news that he's in Spain with his secretary, "living the clich." Buffy pontificates a bit on how odd it is to remember feelings and experiences that she's never had. Buffy resolves to keep Dawn safe, and she and Giles agree to keep it a secret for the rest of the gang. Because that's worked so well in the past and all. Giles: "If she comes after you" "She'll come," replies Buffy solemnly. "She'll come for us."
On cue at the empty building where we last saw her, Darcy or Shannon or whatever her name is pushes aside the rubble she was buried under and stands up. "Okay. Now I'm upset." Me too, Cookie. Me too.
Over at UCS, everyone is helping Buffy move out of her dorm room that we've never seen before. Oh, how incredibly pointless. Buffy remarks that Giles isn't helping with the heavy lifting. "Well, I saw myself in more of a patriarchal sort of role. You know. Lots of pointing and scowling," replies Giles with a cutesy little smile. And then hewait for it. Points and scowls at Xander and Riley, who are tussling like overgrown puppies on the floor. Xander protests that "he called me a bad name. I think it was bad. It might have been Latin." Tara grins at their antics as Buffy threatens to break some heads, and the boys straighten up. Xander wonders why Buffy is giving up the "cherry corner suite," and Buffy tries to play it off that she'd rather be at home where her mother is and try to save money at the same time. Yeah, I imagine that leather-pants-of-the-month club is sucking the old wallet dry, eh Buff? Xander points out the two doors, which provide "a lot of opportunity for bawdy French farce, and everyone loves bawdy" "Where's Dawn?" interrupts Buffy. False alarm. Dawn was only pawing over Buffy's misappropriated CD collection. The gang talks tough about taking down Heather or Sandy or whatever her name is. Tara tries to join in with a "yeah. You learn her source and we'll introduce her to her insect reflection." The gang just looks at her like she farted, and Tara declares that it's funny if you're Wiccan, "and a complete dork," under her breath. "Then how come Xander didn't laugh?" is Riley's question. Heh. I actually don't mind Riley when he's interacting with Xander or Giles. On her way to the car, Tara runs into Willow, on her way for another box. Once inside, Willow reminds everyone to be at the Bronze by eight tomorrow night for Tara's birthday fete. The gang has obviously forgotten about the occasion, despite Xander's assertion that he's already picked out a gift. Willow worries that everyone won't be able to attend because of the new evil that is afoot, but Buffy assures her that they could all "use a break from this craziness."
Which segues rather nicely into another gibbering disturbed person being wheeled down the halls of Sunnydale General by an unnamed intern. The unnamed intern runs into the only other intern Sunnydale General has, Greasy Intern Ben. Unnamed Intern expositions to Ben that this woman "makes five this month." "They told me Sunnydale was going to be interesting," is Greasy Ben's response. Greasy Ben then goes into the locker room andugh. Takes off his shirt. Ah. Gratuitous nakedness of tertiary, recurring, and nonessential character + washboard abs = blatant attempt at manipulation. This also tells us that Joss has something in store for Greasy Intern Ben. Hopefully things involving a lot of soap, water, and clarifying shampoo, and preferably taking place off-screen. The camera pans down other rows of lockers to reveal an ugly, sore-covered demon creeping towards Ben, tasting the air with his tongue. Go demon! Kill! Indiscriminately! Unfortunately, Sheila or Lisa or whoever clamps a hand over its mouth and says, "I need a favor."
"Please come again for more purchases!" calls out Anya brightly from behind the counter. Giles suggests that she be a bit less effusive, but Anya is just happy to be a "working gal" in such close proximity to money. Enter Xandman and the Buffster. They're chittin' and chattin' about Tara's party. Buffy sort of shrugs it off, but Xander reminds her how important it is to Willow before going over to swap spit with Anya. I'd like to observe a moment of silence here to commemorate the fact that Xander is the least offensively dressed person in this shot. Giles leads Buffy to a table covered in books. Buffy scoffs at the lack of information that Giles has turned up, but Giles points out that Buffy didn't give him much to work with. "I'm pretty sure she dyes her hair," offers Buffy, and Giles sarcastically replies, "Ah yes. Well, of course, our work is done." Ha! Xander and Buffy sit down, ostensibly to continue researching, but as soon as Giles has disappeared upstairs Buffy quizzes Xander instead on what he bought for Tara's birthday. Xander admits that his response was "a tangled web of lies" necessitated by the fact that he doesn't really know Tara that well. They discuss how they don't "get" Tara but that she's "really nice." "There's just that thingof not understanding," Buffy trails off. "Half of what she says?" supplies Xander. "But she's super nice!" amends Buffy. Yeah. Okay. We've established that Tara is Canadian. Can we move on now? Thanks. So. Buffy and Xander wonder if everyone at the party will be getting Wiccy with it and hope that they'll be able to fit in. Buffy slams her book shut with a groan and complains about her "present-buying" headache. Xander points over his shoulder and suggests that Buffy go "work off the tension."
Cut to Buffy and Spike going at it. No, not that way. They roll around a bit, and the camera tricks they're using to disguise the utter craptasticness of this fight scene make me woozy. Bam! Pow! Smash! Buffy and Spike roll apart. "You want me, Slayer? Come and get me," taunts Spike. "Oh, I'm coming," grunts Buffy, "I'm coming right now." Then there's a quick cut to a shot of naked Spike and Harmony covered by a comforter as Spike, uh, completes his last, uh, thrust. I can't believe they got that past the censors while we've never seen Willow so much as kiss Tara on the cheek.
"Come up with anything yet?" queries Giles as he comes back downstairs. Xander and Buffy mistakenly think that he's asking about gift ideas, and Buffy replies that they're "at a loss." Confusion ensues, but once everyone is on the same page, Giles busts on them with a "you're in a magic shop and you can't think what Tara would like. I believe you're both profoundly stupid." Hee! I love me some snitty ex-librarian. During their discussion, a nondescript individual has been browsing nearby. He turns around and starts leafing through the books on the table. Rude much? Giles directs him towards the books that are for sale, but the guy, who I've decided to call Gee Dub McChoad for no reason whatsoever, ignores him and asks if "all these books got spells in 'em? Turn people into frogs? Things like that?" with a faintly southern accent. Buffy and Xander exchange a look, and Xander replies, "Yeah, we're building a race of frog people. It's a good time." Snerk. Gee Dub McChoad says some more stupid things, and then the bell jingles to herald the arrival of Willow and Tara, giggling over the insect reflection joke that Tara made earlier. They're interrupted by Gee Dub McChoad, who calls out, "Well. Whaddya know. Whatsa matter? You don't have a hug for your big brother?" Tara just blinks and half opens and closes her mouth a few times. Oh no! Tara is turning into a frog person! Maybe Xander and his army of frog people will be the Big Bad this season. What? That wasn't any lamer or less thought-out than the whole Adam fiasco.