The Shady In Red

S05E05

World's biggest shout-out to IntelChick, the gracious host of Buffyfest Hawaii 2000. Apparently I'm not allowed to say she was "sweet" for driving me and Ash all over O'ahu, showing us the sights, providing fashion advice, and even arranging for us to have dinner at a friend's house on a porch overlooking Pearl Harbor, but I am allowed to say that she performed well above and beyond the call of duty. So that's what I'll say. She rocks, people!

Buffy started a moment before my VCR did, so I did not catch the previouslys.

Two monks (one of whom must have been a big Monkees fan, at some point because he has stolen Peter Tork's haircut) rush down a corridor, weighted down with candles and other accruements. The screen helpfully informs us that this occurred two months ago. Aw, man, I hate history. They careen around a corner and enter a chamber, barring the door with what looks to be an entire tree trunk. "It's coming," says one. "Our lives aren't important. We have to protect the key," replies the other. I always make sure to have spare keys on hand. Something these guys should look into. They run and sit by a third monk, who needs their help to complete a ritual. Something begins banging on the door, and the monks grow increasingly worried. There is a bright burst of light, and bits of door fly inward.

Now. So says my screen. Buffy is shoved up against a "Private Property" sign by a strapping vamp. Witty banter ensues until Buffy stakes him. Oh well. He deserved to die, the way he just stood stock still and patiently waited for Buffy to deliver her last barb before planting a stake in him. Buffy puts her stake back into her "fur" coat. I'm just not sure if you can assign the moniker of "fur" to something that looks like it was made by stapling eight different species of hamsters together. She turns, and a bright light is being shone into her face by the security guard on duty, who mistakenly thinks she's there for a rave. He kicks her out, and she turns to go, but the security guy hands her a glowing orb. Sigh. It's always "orb of this" and "orb of that." You'd think an orb was the only mystical tchotchke in existence.

Summers kitchen. Buffy slides a perfectly-made piece of French toast onto a plate while admonishing Dawn to "touch nothing." "Who died and made you the Iron Chef?" snips Dawn in return. Heh. ["I used to love that show before the Food Network ruined it." -- Sep] Buffy expositions that Joyce is sick while Dawn breaks something. Joyce enters and expresses some maternal cynicism and astonished gratitude. Buffy aggressively questions her mother about her headaches, and when Joyce tells her that the doctors haven't been able to diagnose her yet, Buffy demands that they seek a second opinion. Joyce reminds Buffy that they still need a first opinion, and Buffy says, "Okay. We'll go right now." Hold up there, Buff. Where do you think you are? Canada? This is the United States, where you can't just up and go to a doctor because you feel ill. You have to call your HMO, tell them you're coughing up blood, and then wait for the available appointment in three months. Joyce reassures Buffy that she is still the one that should be worried about her daughters, and grabs Dawn into a hug and calls her "little punkin' belly." Buffy seems upset by Dawn and Joyce's close relationship, and drags Dawn with her to the opening of the Magic Box.

At the Magic Box, Buffy opens the door and surveys the interior. Giles stands in the middle of the store all Hogwartsed out in sorcerer's gear. Buffy just stares at him while Giles smiles placidly for a moment before shame-facedly removing his pointy cap and velvet robe. When Dawn stumbles in out of breath and asks what time they will be open for business, Giles tersely replies that they opened an hour ago. Buffy tells Dawn to go and browse while Giles tries to convince himself that business will pick up soon. They're interrupted by Willow, who animatedly asks where Giles's hat and gown are, and Riley. Buffy pulls out the orb thing and asks if anyone can identify it. Giles states that it's "paranormal in origin," and when Willow asks what makes him so sure of that, he matter-of-factly replies, "Well, it's so shiny." Works for me. Riley suggests that he accompany Buffy on patrol, but Dawn breaks in with, "He can't patrol. Buffy said." Buffy protests that she said no such thing, but Dawn proceeds to quote her directly for Riley's benefit: "She just said you look even cuter when you're all weak and kitteny, and she'd better go solo or you'd get hurt." Buffy shoots Dawn a death look while everyone else stands silent and still. Dawn doesn't understand why everyone's upset with her, and Riley goes into the back room with Giles in order to try solving his problems with violence. Sigh. Willow takes Buffy aside and tells her to be lenient with Dawn, but Buffy is jealous that Dawn can be a kid while she has to protect everyone. Hey, hasn't she had this exact same conversation in every episode featuring Dawn this season? Buffy bitches some more about how she wishes she were an only child (and so do I at this point, if only to get her to SHUT UP about Dawn) while Dawn breaks something.

"We can't all be born with big fancy Chosen One reflexes, you know," grouses Dawn as she and Buffy go back home. Buffy finds Joyce contorted in pain on the couch and pushes for a doctor visit pronto, but Joyce insists that all she needs is her prescription filled. Buffy says that she'll go to the hospital pharmacy and be back in ten. First of all, ten minutes, Buffy? Again I must remind you that you do not live in Canada. Secondly, do you live right door to the hospital? As I recall, Buffy doesn't drive, and normally the acquisition of a driver's license would rank right up there in boredom with the never-released episode entitled "Buffy applies for a passport and learns all about the rigmarole of government offices." The show has made such a big deal of Buffy and cars being "unmixy things" that I thought we would have been kept abreast of any DMV-related developments, but I guess not.

Buffy picks up her prescription and is walking out when she's spotted by Greasy Intern Ben from last week. He's transporting a man on a gurney, who Buffy recognizes as the security guard from earlier in the episode right before he rears up, frothing at the mouth and muttering. Greasy Intern Ben struggles with him briefly and calls out for some phenobarbital until Buffy effortlessly pins Crazy Security Guy back to the gurney with one hand. As they're strapping him down, Greasy Intern Ben says, "Not to be rampantly sexist in the work place but you've got some serious muskels [sic] for a girl." Um, Greasy Ben? You're an intern. That means you've been through medical school. Don't tell me they let you graduate ignorant of the proper pronunciation of "muscles." Before Buffy can reply, Greasy Intern Ben suggests that her strength comes from a "radioactive spider bite." But his attempts at flirting are cut short when the security guard grabs at Buffy's pills and starts raving, "Don't think you're above it, Missy. They come through your family!" Greasy Intern Ben shuttles him off to the exam room and makes some more small talk with a shaken Buffy. I don't care about Greasy Intern Ben, Joss can't make me, and why is he even getting screen time when Giles, Willow, and Xander go unloved anyway?

"God help me" says a brown-robed monk. He's sitting in the middle of the abandoned building we saw earlier, studying a map carefully. He stuffs it back into his pouch and gets up to leave when he's distracted by the steel door at the other end of room buckling inward. "The beast!" he says, and looks around for an escape. The door finally gives way, and a blonde in a red dress strolls in. "There you are," says the somewhat porcine-faced blonde. "I've been looking all over for you."

By Ace

The Magic Box is buzzing with customers. Whatever. Based on what we've seen the past few seasons, a grand opening of a Sunnydale magic shop would appear to be a bi-yearly event. Willow goes behind the counter to wrap an item for a customer while Giles flits around the sales floor, trying to be helpful. Xander drops in, and Giles greets him with, "There's too many of them. People. A-a-and they all seem to want things." Xander reassures him with, "I hear you. Stay British. You'll be okay," before joining Willow, Anya, and Buffy behind the counter. Anya hands a package to her customer and tells her to "please go." Xander informs her of the proper etiquette for working retail, and I'm thinking that Anya should maybe take a basic foreign-language conversation course, as they often spend many weeks learning only basic courtesies. Sure, she might then only be polite in Russian, but it would still be an improvement. Anya protests that she doesn't care about the customers once they have given her money, and Xander explains, "It's just a long cultural tradition of raging insincerity. Embrace it." "Hey you! Have a nice day," Anya dutifully, if a bit stridently, calls after the customer. Xander sidles up to Buffy and she gives him the 411 about Joyce, and I know I should be paying attention to their conversation but I'm distracted by Willow's attempts at gift-wrapping. Willow holds out the crumpled, tape-ridden package to Anya and asks if it "looks right." Anya tries to take the package, but Willow has managed to tape her finger to the paper. "Sure," she answers, "if you wrapped it with your feet." Anya grabs another sheet of paper and tells Buffy about a French sorcerer who would go into a trance that would let him see the "trace signature" left by other spells. Buffy decides that she'll "go home. Get trancy and see what's affecting my mom." Giles warns her that the sorcerer's abilities were legendary, but Buffy won't be deterred and asks Willow what supplies she'll need.

In her bedroom at home, Buffy dumps her ingredients in front of her and thanks Riley for coming over to help. Buffy desperately tries to find a task for Riley, which he sums up as, "So you want me to light incense and pour sand?" In an attempt at encouragement, Buffy replies that it's "magic incense and, uh, spooky sand." Riley thinks that Buffy invited him over just to make him feel less..."what are the words? Cute and weak and kittenish." Riley swears that he's fine with being Joe Normal now, and could I suggest that Riley try some lithium or something for his raging mood swings? It's bad enough that he can't decide how he feels from week to week, but this penduluming of feelings within the same episode is too much. Riley kisses Buffy good luck on her forehead before leaving, but Buffy pulls him closer to her with a "hey. A girl needs more luck than that." I'm having another one of those strange moments where the Buffy/Riley smoochies don't make me think of defenestration. Excuse me while I take the few minutes to breathe slowly into a paper bag and mutter, "This too shall pass." Okay. I'm fine.

Buffy lights her incense and pours her spooky sand before sitting down in the middle of the circle and closing her eyes in concentration. The little sister's network calls Dawn and tells her that Buffy is trying to concentrate and is therefore a prime candidate for annoyance, so she knocks on Buffy's door and asks what she's doing. "My boyfriend. Go away," replies Buffy tersely. Heh. Dawn wants to know if Buffy is doing magic, and over Buffy's refusals, Dawn begs Buffy to let her watch. Buffy tells her to cram it and slams the door on her when Dawn tries to force her way in. Dawn says she's going to tattle on Buffy, and Buffy snits, "Fine, go. Go tell. Go do whatever you want, just GO." Chastened, Dawn stalks off to her room and slams the door. Buffy huffs in exasperation and then sits in her spooky sand circle, trying to center herself.

A shot of the sun setting over Sunnydale. Breathy, new age woodwind music starts as Buffy continues to mediate and the sun sets some more. The camera circles her, zooming in and out. Buffy meditates. Andean pan pipes and whooshy wind sounds. Geez, I know I complained about the stunts this season, but I'm not sure I meant that seeing two minutes of Buffy sitting perfectly still while the camera did queasy tricks would be any better. I get bored, so I notice that Buffy's giant and inexcusable gold hoop earrings are "complemented" by about four choker-length gold chains around her neck, each with a tiny pendant. Not loving this whole "bastard child of Studio 54 and Julie from Love Boat in her off hours at the ship's disco" look this season. Buffy's eyes pop open, and she opens the door to her bedroom. She walks down the hall, all slo-mo, to flutey and whooshy sounds. The film stock is very over-exposed and pastel, giving the whole scene that dreamy Just Cast A Spell To See A Demon Choking My Mother sense. As she continues through the house, the scene flashes in and out of solarization. Hey, that's original! Oh wait, it's not -- I was thinking of the first time I saw it done in the "Electric Avenue" video. What ever happened to Eddy Grant anyway? ["He's released a few greatest-hits compilations with his old band The Equals. More than you needed to know, probably." -- Sars] Buffy slo-mos down the stairs and surveys her house suspiciously. Continuing solarization, and then we hear Joyce call, "Buffy?" in a strange, slowed-down voice. Buffy stares her up and down as Joyce explains she feels better and is "going out for a couple hours." Buffy confuses her mom by muttering, "Nothing," as she realizes there's no trace of any spell around her. As Joyce asks if Buffy is okay, Buffy and the audience both notice that the image of Dawn is fading in and out of a picture hanging on the wall behind Joyce. Buffy tells her mom to go and have fun, and Joyce leaves, observing wistfully, "You're so grown up." Buffy is still in her faded, whooshy, solarized trance state as she crinkles her brow and finds another picture of the Summers women. Dawn fades in and out of this one too. Buffy heads upstairs and, in extra extra slo-mo, opens the door to Dawn's bedroom. Inside, she finds the brightly-lit, decorated teenager's room. As she walks further in, however, the room begin to change to a dark storage area, with framed pictures and other miscellany piled about. The room flickers back and forth, back and forth. From very, very far away, Dawn demands, "Who said you could come in my room?" Buffy turns to see Dawn standing, arms crossed. She too is fading in and out of existence. Buffy crinkles her brow real hard, as is her wont, and quietly declares, "You're not my sister."

Third commercial break -- it must be time for a Maybelline commercial! "Even Wear, for hours of smooth, even wear." What crap. My cat could write better ad copy.

By Ace

Joyce comes home, looking wan, and calls for her daughters. Dawn startles her by popping out from the kitchen, carrying a cup of tea. Joyce explains that she came home because she was feeling "crappy," and Dawn holds out the cup of tea, all Stepford Sister-ing, "Want tea, Mom? I made it for you."

Buffy walks past the busted-down door and spots the tied-up monk guy, looking all battered and, well, dead-ish. She unties him, babbling about the Dagon sphere, and we see She Who Should Be Named "Stupid Wacky Chick" sneaking up behind her, all Elmer Fudd stalking Bugs Bunny. Buffy turns towards her, claiming "I'm not stupid," but the Abimbonation smacks her, and she flies all the way across the room and rips a big tear in the wall the set decorator worked so hard to make look like cement. Buffy stares in shock, and the Looney in Red mocks, "You sure about that last part?" Oh, stop stealing my lines, you hackneyed plot device.

At the magic store, the last customer leaves and Giles, Willow, and Xander grouse about their hard day of work. Better that they should grouse about being reduced to a sort of Greek chorus that sits around cooped up in the magic store set and only participates in tertiary plot lines, if you ask me. Over at the cash register, Anya organizes the days receipts and babbles about restocking. Giles attempts to interrupt her flow a few times, and finally manages to break in to offer her a job at the store. See, that was funny, because we thought he was trying to break in to tell her to shut up, but he was actually -- what's that you say? It's not funny? Oh, right. Onwards. Anya is actually cute for a second when she calls Giles "Boss" in a pleased way. On to Willow, who inquires about Buffy's trance/spell, and Giles explains that Buffy said it didn't work. Blah blah blah "Slaymaster General" blah blah blah hope she doesn't do anything too rash-cakes.

Cue Buffy being thrown into the "concrete" wall again. Aw man, that means more of Faith Lite. I know I was just complaining about the scene, but I'm ready to go back. Anything to not have to deal with Ms. Looney Tunes. As she continues to beat the crap outta Buffy, Claire -- or Heather, or Susan, or whatever the hell her name is -- enhances the torture by babbling crazy talk about ripping worms in half. It's as if you took all the sexiness, menace, and off-kilterness that made up Faith and then just threw out the sex and menace, cranked up the off-kilter, and added a dash of "wacky." When Buffy finally lands a good blow on her face, Sable -- or Kristin, or Muffy, or whatever her name is -- inappropriately snaps, "You hit me! What are you, crazy? You can't go around hitting people!" See, she's new to human form, and she seems to know all these talk-show and self-help phrases, as if she picked them up from the media but she doesn't know the proper time to apply them. And that's not at all like Anya a few seasons ago. Not one little bit, 'kay? So the big wacky blonde and the little plucky blonde fight, but Vampy Reddressnovitch seems to be winning. Her blows knock chunks out of columns, and when she figures out that Buffy has super-powers, she asks, "Can you fly?" and tosses her across the room without really waiting for an answer. Unnamed evil can be so rude. Buffy clambers back up for another round, but instead grabs the monk and leaps out the second-story window with him, cushioning his fall with her body. Hey, what happened to the maintenance or security guy who got his head zapped? The case of the disappearing extra! If he doesn't turn up in a future episodes, that will be the worst continuity error I've seen this season. Ms. Looney Tunes attempts to pursue the Slayer, but breaks a heel on her ridiculous stiletto-heeled shoe. She throws a temper tantrum, stomping her foot, which causes the floor to crack beneath her. The cracks radiate out, bringing down pillars, and the ceiling comes down as the Abimbonation mouths, "Oh shit!" Here's hoping, but not at all believing, that that's the last we see of her.

By Ace

Back in Dawn's bedroom, Buffy blinks as she snaps out of the trance state. Dawn is replying to Buffy's claim that she's not her sister, but Buffy darts across the room and grabs her by the arms. "What are you!? You wanna hurt me?" demands Buffy, to which Dawn replies, "Let go of me, you freak!" Man, if she's evil, she really does have this fourteen-year-old thing down pat. Dawn threatens, "I'm telling Mom!" and Buffy commands, "You stay away from my mother!" slamming her up against the door. She stares at Dawn, who stares back, and the moment goes on until the telephone rings. Buffy picks up the phone downstairs and speaks to Giles, who is trying to shout above the crowd of customers in the magic shop. He tells her that the orb is a Dagon sphere, which functions as a protective device against "ancient primordial evil." Buffy asks what the evil looks like, but Giles has no info on that count. He does explain that the Dagon sphere is protection against "that which cannot be named." Or should I have capitalized that, like "That Which Cannot Be Named," since it's in lieu of a name? Buffy proposes going back to where she found the Dagon sphere; Giles, as usual, tells her to be careful. He inquires after the trance, and Buffy starts to whisper, "I just saw..." but realizes Dawn is standing right behind her, arms sullenly crossed. Buffy finishes, "...nothing. It didn't work." She gets off the phone and faces Dawn, who truculently inquires what she was discussing. Buffy says it was just "Slayer stuff" and then prepares to leave. "Do you really think I care you're the Slayer?" asks Dawn, with chilling frostiness. Cree. Pee. Buffy says she'll be back in an hour, and Dawn tells her, "Mom's coming back," with a threatening tone. Buffy threatens back, "I'll be back first."

She exits the house, throwing on a jean jacket, but pauses on her front walk with an "eww, what's that smell?" look on her face. She marches over to a large tree and pulls a ciggie-smoking Spike out from behind it. He tosses his butt on the ground and, in a shy and altogether too-cute way, says, "Hi, Buffy." Buffy punches him the nose -- which I get the impression is turning into a running joke for the writers, and it's just too bad that it's not funny in the slightest -- and then demands that he tell her, in "five words or less," what he's doing there. Spike seems somewhat recovered as he counts off on his fingers, "Out. For. A. Walk. [pause] Bitch." Haw! Buffy expresses disbelief, calling him "William" in a particularly sour fashion. Spike tries to support his "out for a walk" claim, and Buffy, still not buying it, tries to hurry off. He derides her sparing his life, tells her he's just passing through, and snaps, "Satisfied?" Not able to tear himself away, he continues, "I really hope so, 'cause god knows you need some satisfaction in life besides shagging Captain Cardboard, and -- and, I never really liked you anyway, and -- and you have stupid hair." With that masterful put-down, he sticks her pigtails in an inkwell, drops a frog on her desk, and then pushes her down at recess and runs away snickering. Buffy looks completely stumped and then notices a whole pile of cigarette butts at the base of the tree. Just passing through, huh, Spike? Buffy marches off, and we see that Dawn is watching her from an upstairs window.

By Ace

Buffy snaps the chain on the gate to the warehouse and enters, carrying a flashlight. She walks through a series of empty rooms and then finds the huge metal door the Abimbonation smashed down.

By Ace

Outside, Buffy tries to hurry the monk along, but he collapses and says he can't go any further. "The key. You must protect the key," he instructs Buffy, who is pretty distracted by getting the hell away from the Abimbonation. The monk ignores Buffy, as so many of us do, and continues to explain that she has to keep the key safe or many will die. Apparently the key is "energy," a "portal," and "it opens the door." It's both a portal and a key? See, that's why I prefer not to get my vital information from dying monks with shaky grasps of the English language. They're so contradictory. Seemingly as confused as I am, Buffy asks if he's talking about the Dagon sphere, but the monk struggles to explain that for centuries his order protected the key, which had no form, until the "Abomination" found them. At that point, they hid the key by making it human and sending it to the Slayer. As he goes on, Buffy begins to get an understandy face. "You put that in my house?" demands Buffy, which I think deserves an "aww," because I know she's thinking of her mom's safety right here. The monk says they knew the Slayer would protect the key, and therefore they built all of her memories and her mother's (and everybody else who knows Buffy, but hey, why mention them, as all they have to do this season is sit on their asses in retail hell?). "You cannot abandon..." instructs the monk, and Buffy wavers back into her old familiar self-absorbed territory with, "I didn't ask for this!" You didn't ask for any of it, honey, but that doesn't stop it. She wants to know, "What is it?" and the expiring monk replies, "Human. Now human and helpless. Please. She's an innocent in this. She needs you." ["I find it rather interesting that he didn't have the energy to walk any further but was able to deliver chapters one through six of his dissertation on Dawn: The metaphysical nature thereof." -- Sep] In a rather nice believing-yet-doubting way, Buffy muses, "She's not my sister?" to which the monk replies, "She doesn't know that," and then kicks the bucket. Buffy looks anguished.

After this episode aired, my mother called to remind me of the season on Dr. Who when some key the Doctor was searching for turned out to have taken human form and was travelling with him all along. I cough, "Eh? I don't recall. I never watched Dr. Who," but I don't get away with it. Moms know stuff about you, and they don't let you forget. I still don't remember that particular plot very well, though. Was that the season with that annoying, greasy-faced kid Aidric?

By Ace

Buffy slowly enters her house to find her mom and Dawn snuggling on the sofa. Joyce greets Buffy, but Dawn just hops up and sulks, "I wasn't bothering her," and stomps upstairs. When Joyce wonders what's going on, Buffy quietly tells her, "Nothing. Sister stuff." She makes a sad face and follows Dawn upstairs. She knocks on Dawn's door and then opens it to find her sitting on her bed. Buffy apologizes, and Dawn brats, "You hurt my arm." She then calls Buffy a "butthole," which gives me a snicker. Buffy apologizes again and Dawn tells her she has a theory: "It goes where you're the one who's not my sister 'cause Mom adopted you from a shoebox full of baby howler monkeys," adding, "It explains your fashion sense." Every week, Sep and I talk right after Buffy airs and try to crack each other up as much as possible. We always say we're going to start taping our conversations so we can include them in the recaps, but never get around to it, 'cause Lazy is our middle name. Actually, Lazy is only my middle name. Sep's middle name is Really Busy. This last week, we were rolling on a riff that went something like this:

Sep: "That was such a shout-out to us. And hey, does that mean the Fashion Nazi is actually a howler monkey?"
Ace: "Well, howler monkeys are infamous for their fascist regimes."
Sep: "Intolerant bastards! Hmmm, I think SMG would look better if she actually was dressed by monkeys. They can't all be busy working on Hamlet."

Buffy apologizes once more, and when Dawn calls her a "broken record," Buffy starts to snap, "You can't even take an apology. You always do that, ever since -- " and then she stops, struggling with her spell-generated memories. Buffy then sits to Dawn and tells her she had a bad day. They have a little making-up snippiness, and then Buffy begins to gently stroke Dawn's hair. Dawn asks what's wrong with Joyce, and Buffy replies that she doesn't know. She continues to stroke Dawn's hair. I'm very touched here, because my heart isn't entirely made of stone. Buffy not being able to tell her mother or Dawn about what she's learned is touching and, if written correctly, her struggle against the implanted memories could be very affecting.