Faith Who?

S03E16

Previouslys from "Consequences" and "The Wish."

We open with a shot of Sars's new new boyfriend, D'Hoffryn. In a torch-lit chamber, he's telling Anya that she can't have her powers back, as she lost them as a result of her own carelessness. She tries to lean on her thousand-year vengeance track record, then whines that "now I'm stuck at Sunnydale High. Mortal. A child. And I'm flunking math." Hee. D'Hoffryn isn't impressed, saying she'll live out her mortal life and die. Fickle, those Lower Beings. She begs him to fold the fabric of time, and when he refuses, swears that "if you won't help me, by the pestilent gods I will find someone who will." She's going to ask the UPN higher-ups for help? She leaves.

Cut to Willow, on the high school lawn. She magically floats and spins a pencil as Buffy does sit-ups to her. Buffy says that she and Faith have to take a series of mental and physical tests devised by the Watcher's Council. She compliments Willow on the pencil trick, and Willow says emotional control is the key to it. Buffy says she's going to train some more, because she wants to do -- "better than Faith?" Willow finishes. Buffy thinks she's being shallow, but Willow assures her the feeling is natural, and snarks that Buffy's got the psych part won. "Just don't mark the box that says 'I sometimes like to kill people.'" Worry about your own box, Willow. Ew, I squicked myself out. Buffy says that Faith isn't making the cover of Sanity Fair, but that she sympathizes with her, because she had it rough growing up. "Different circumstances, that could be me." Willow thinks that some people don't have that in them. The foreshadowing spans later in this episode to Season Six, and possibly beyond. It's nice, too, that they've shown us in "The Wish" that Buffy's self-analysis is correct. She apologizes for talking about Faith so much. Willow says it doesn't bother her, but Buffy directs her attention to the pencil, which is now spinning faster than a pinwheel in a hurricane. It finally lodges itself in a nearby tree. Buffy: "Emotional control?" Willow: "I'm workin' on it!" Yeah, you're sure to make Vulcan any day, dear. Credits.

Damon Wayans for 1-800-COLLECT. What a career sinkhole those commercials are.

Snyder's office. He's pontificating about a "marriage made in heaven." I guess that would make me Couch Giles. Or Giles would be Rupert Baron. Oh, he's actually talking about Percy and Willow. Well, that would leave Oz free, in case Giles won't have me, so I'm in favor. He explains that Willow is the pinnacle of academic achievement, "despite her unsavory associations." I didn't know Willow was an NRA member. He continues that Percy is a basketball star. Willow is confused. Percy is asleep. Snyder reiterates that they're a perfect match. Willow: "You want us to breed?" Willow, you could do a lot worse; I'm just saying. But no, Snyder wants Willow to tutor Percy, because he's flunking history. Percy: "I'm challenged." Snyder: "You're lazy, self-involved and spoiled. That's quite the challenge." Hee. Snyder goes on that the school can't afford to have a losing year in basketball, especially after the year's "debacle" with the swim team. I appreciate the continuity, even if involves an episode I'd love to forget (and dread the prospect of recapping). Willow tries to protest. Snyder: "Rosenberg, it's time to give something back to the community. I know you want to help your school out here. Ask me how I know." Willow starts to do just that. Snyder: "I just know." I adore Snyder so much that I offer this little paean in remembrance of him:

I miss you Snyder,
I miss you so.
You snarked on Buffy,
Giles and Willow.
And now you're snake food,
Such woe!
Oh, Snyder, I miss you so.

Willow and Buffy walk into the library. Willow is explaining that Snyder threatened her with his eyes. "There was some nostril work as well, but mostly eyes." Maybe he was just staring at Willow's purse, which looks like it was made by a blind child at a third-grade crafts fair. Buffy offers to kick his ass. Willow declines, but says she hates Snyder's bullying. "He just assumes everyone's time is his." Predictably, Giles orders her onto the computer, and she sunnily complies. Faith and a very winded Wesley enter. Giles asks how it went. Faith: "Princess Margaret here had a little trouble keepin' up." Ha! I know I shouldn't be so amused every time someone insinuates or says that Wesley is a woman, but if it's wrong, I don't want to be right. Giles repeats the question for Wesley, who says that Faith did very well. Giles asks if he's up to taking Buffy out, and he pants an affirmative. What exactly was he doing out there -- chasing after the girls' track team? The boys' track team? Faith: "You're gonna love it, B. It's just like fun, only boring." Giles chides her, and she abashedly apologizes. She's selling the double-agent thing here. Buffy says she's going to go change, and Faith wishes her luck. When Buffy and Wesley leave, Faith asks what Willow's doing. Willow casts her a sidelong glance that would make you think Faith just blew her nose on Willow's sweater. That would be an improvement for the sweater, actually. She says she's trying to hack into the Mayor's personal files. Faith, a little too interestedly, asks if Willow can get past the barriers, but Willow's too busy with her own ego to notice Faith's tone, and says she'll get through eventually.

Faith's apartment. She's just told the Mayor what happened in the library, and he says that that's very interesting. In the time it took to utter that sentence, he mentally listed eight different ways to kill Willow. Faith's happy, because the Mayor is just now giving her the apartment. He says she's not going to live in that "fleabag hotel" any longer. "There are immoral liaisons going on there." Faith: "Yeah, plus all the screwing." Oh, Professor Higgins, you've got some more work to do before Miss Doolittle is ready for the ball. The Mayor says they'll hang on to her old place to keep the Scoobs in the dark. Faith, slightly seductively, thanks him, calling him "Sugar Daddy." Happily, he sternly rebukes her, then breezily says, "Let's kill your little friend." Faith's smile fades. He says he wouldn't ask her to do it at this point in their relationship, and that a vampire attack would look less suspicious anyway. He shifts the mood again: "If I'm not mistaken, some lucky girl has herself a Playstation." Faith: "No way!" The Mayor: "Yes, way!" Aw, aren't the murderers cute? They are, too -- that's the scary part.

In the hall, Willow runs into a jet-black-haired Oz. He pulls her into an embrace. "There's something about you that's causing me to hug you! It's like I have no will of my own." Whatever that something is, I'd like it in a cologne. Willow asks where he was the day before. Oz says he skipped school because the band got back late from a gig in Monterey the night before that. Willow says she didn't know about it, which I find impossible to believe, and says that she might have wanted to go. Oz counters that he didn't think she'd miss school. Willow: "You think I'm boring." Oz: "I'd call that a radical interpretation of the text." Sing it, dude. He says Dingoes is playing at the Bronze that night, but Willow says she has too much homework. They separate. Uh, "-cakes"?

Outside, Willow catches up with Percy. She tries to make a date to go over his paper, but he informs her that he expects her to do the whole thing for him. She tries to protest. Percy: "What, you got somethin' better to do? You just type it up, and put my name on it. Oh, and don't type too good. Dead giveaway." Uh, Percy, even in 1999 they had a little thing called "spell check." You might want to look into it, along with a brain transplant from one of the higher primates. He saunters off. Willow sits down and takes a banana out of her bag. She declares that she's going to eat it, even though it's not lunchtime. Heh. And, aw. This is one of few instances I find this type of behavior from Willow endearing instead of annoying. Buffy and Xander arrive on the scene, and Xander asks Willow if she remembered to tape Biography, which she did. Buffy: "See, I told you. Old Reliable." This obviously hits a raw nerve, and a winning exchange follows that's better fully transcribed:

Xander: She just means, you know, the geyser! You're like a geyser of fun that goes off at regular intervals.
Willow: That's Old Faithful.
Xander: Isn't that the dog, that the guy had to shoot...
Willow, seething now: That's Old Yeller.
Buffy: Xander, I beg you not to help me.

Hee! Buffy says it wasn't an insult, but Willow whines that she doesn't want to be reliable all the time. "Maybe I'll change my look, or cut class. You don't know! And I'm eating this banana. Lunchtime be damned." Heh. She turns to go. Buffy tries to stop her, but Willow explains that she's storming off. "It doesn't really work if you come with me." Aw.

Inside, Willow starts up the stairs, but Anya calls after her. Anya introduces herself, and says she's new, but she knows Cordelia. Willow: "Oh. Fun." Anya gives a quick, but hilarious, "yeah" which indicates that she too finds Cordelia tiresome. She says that she's working on a project, and wondered if Willow would help her. Willow: "That's me, reliable dog geyser person." When Anya says she needs a "secondary" for a spell, however, Willow gets excited, and asks if it's dangerous. Anya, by the way, is carrying a math textbook, which shows very nice attention to detail. She lies that the spell isn't dangerous. Willow: "Well, could we at least pretend it is?" I bake these words into a cake for Willow to eat in the scene.

In an empty classroom, Willow and Anya sit facing each other. On the floor between them rests a plate that has a representation of Anya's power center on it. She's telling Willow that the necklace was a family heirloom. Just as long as you're not hanging onto it as a reminder of your two-dimensional parents. Whoops, wrong show. Willow asks how the spell works, and Anya explains that they call on Eyrishon, "the endless one," to open a temporal fold, and that when they pour the "sacred sand" onto the representation of the necklace, Eyrishon will bring it forth from whence it was lost. They begin the incantation, each of them holding the bottle of sand with one hand. Lights and swirling mist appear. Willow sees a number of disturbing images from "The Wish." Shirtless Angel, surprisingly, is not one of them. Willow's hand shakes, and when they pour the sand, some of it hits her other hand. In the Wishverse, just as Oz is about to grab VampWillow, she disappears. The spell complete, Willow gasps for breath, asking what happened. Anya says the necklace isn't there. Willow realizes Anya isn't telling her everything, but Anya says she just wants her necklace back. Willow: "Well, did you try looking inside the sofa in hell?" Heh. Anya tries to make nice, saying they can do the spell again, but Willow isn't having it. Anya: "Fine. Go. Idiot child." Willow tells Anya that magic isn't to be toyed with. Inside The Guinness Book Of World Records, the biggest pot in the world yells over to the kettle, "Wow, are you looking black!" Willow: "Now if you'll excuse me, I have someone else's homework to do." Hee. She leaves, and Anya smashes the plate in frustration.

Right as the plate breaks, we cut to VampWillow. She's alone, in the same place where the climactic fight in "The Wish" occurred, which apparently exists in the original reality as well. She says warily, "This is weird." Joss wrote it, honey. What do you expect?

VampWillow walks down the main drag, clearly confused as to why there are so many people around. To her credit, she lies low -- at least, as much as she can in that outfit. And old woman taps her to ask her something, but she gives a reaction much like I do when I haven't had my morning coffee yet. The old woman reacts much like the people around me do when I haven't had my morning coffee -- she runs away.

Bronze. A woman who looks like Aimee Mann gone horribly, horribly wrong sings some vagina rock. VampWillow enters, and cases the joint. We see that Percy is playing pool. Eventually, he bumps into VampWillow, and asks if she's trick-or-treating. Yeah, and you're not going to care much for the trick, you big oaf. He tells her she's supposed to be doing his history report. "Till we graduate, I own your ass." Percy, Percy, Percy. If you have to be such a jerk, could you at least do it shirtless? VampWillow crowd-pleases with "Bored now," and, speaking of asses, sends the ass flying ass-over-teacup over the pool table. She kittens that she's having a terrible night, and picks Percy up by the throat. "Wanna make it better?" He takes a swing at her, which she easily blocks. He does a good job of sounding like he's being choked, while VampWillow grins like Chanukah's come early. Xander shows up and, understandably misreading the scene, shoves Percy away, yelling at him to stay away from her. Percy's down with that idea, and bolts. Xander turns to regard VampWillow, who happily says, "Xander! You're alive!" I don't know if she actually saw VampXander get staked, or if she's just relieved that he apparently survived the fight, but she's thrilled, and puts her arms around him. He's nonplussed, and gets more so when she grabs his ass. I think "ass" is clearly becoming the theme word of this episode. Willow, much less happily: "You're alive." Xander asks if she's okay, but she says no, that everything's different. Buffy chooses this moment to join them. To Xander: "Aren't you gonna introduce me to -- holy God, you're Willow." Heh. Buffy mentions the extremity of the new look, but says it's good, and starts babbling. Just as Buffy's stomach acid starts dissolving her shoe, VampWillow menaces that she doesn't like Buffy. Buffy apologizes for earlier, but VampWillow says she's leaving. Buffy tries to grab her arm, but VampWillow turns back in vamp face, snarling at her to get off. She leaves, and Buffy and Xander gape in shock.

On the Hollywood soundstage marked "The Only Alley In Sunnydale," two of the Mayor's henchvamps accost VampWillow. She purrs, "I'm not supposed to talk to strangers." They rush her, but after a little stunt-fu, she's got them both on the ground, with the leader in an armlock. For some reason, I open my Napster and play the song "Dominatrix." The leader tries to tell her that they were sent after a human. She asks him who he works for, but he says he's not telling her anything. Apparently not fond of clichés, she breaks one of his fingers. He gives up that they work for the Mayor. Oh, no, I'm afraid that answer will cost you another finger. She asks again, "Who do you work for?" Three's the magic number: "You." She lets him up and tells him to get his friends. "Our world's no fun anymore. We're gonna make it the way it was." Does that mean there'll be a Chipwich stand on every street corner? Because that ruled. No, apparently, they're starting with the Bronze. Damn.

By Couch Baron

VampWillow sexes up to a girl who's sitting alone, and asks her name. "Sandy." It's that same Sandy that Riley stakes in "Shadow," and I'm forced to go on another bitchy rant about the fact that this girl was never actually sired. Is the fan-wank that she, like Harmony in "Graduation Day Part 2," survived the attack, then was vamped at some later date? Because if you believe that, I've got the Brooklyn Bridge for sale. Joss fucks up, people. Deal with it. VampWillow takes Sandy by the hand, and announces to the humans that if they're good, the vamps will make them "young, and strong." She licks Sandy's neck. Maybe saliva substituted for blood in the siring process. Sorry. I'm just not good at letting things go. Explains why I watched five seasons of Dawson's Creek, anyway. Sandy doesn't exactly seem put out by Willow's, er, attention, making me wonder why she bothered with Riley at all. VampWillow then warns that if they're not good -- she vamps out and bites Sandy. Oz tries to get to VampWillow, but a henchvamp restrains him. VampWillow drops Sandy and morphs back. "Questions? Comments?" Hee. Oz calls Willow's name, saying she doesn't want to do this. What, switch teams? VampWillow menaces, "I don't? But I'm so good at it." Yeah, that's what Tara said. Or sang. The henchvamp holding Oz lets him go, and Oz walks up to VampWillow. She recognizes him, and wonders why he's addressing her as a familiar. That's Anya's cue to step in as the Exposition Fairy -- she needs a new gig, after all. Anya says that this isn't VampWillow's world, and VampWillow says she knows. "In my world there are people in chains and we can ride them like ponies." Whoa. As Whistler once said, hello to the imagery! Anya asks if she wants to get back there, and VampWillow poutily says yes. Anya: "So do I." Forget the power center -- I think she just wants in on the people-pony rides.

Library. Willow, leaning on Giles's office's doorframe, says she's creeped out about VampWillow. Buffy says they were exactly alike, "except for your not being a dominatrix...as far as we know." I already mentioned that, Buffy. Pay attention. Willow: "Oh right. Me and Oz play Mistress Of Pain every night." Giles furrows his brow. Xander: "Did anyone else just go to a scary visual place?" Buffy says yes, and Giles raises his glasses. Ha! Willow's physical location sets up the gag, which is Angel coming in, not seeing her, and breaking the news to the others that she's dead. He then catches sight of her, greets her, and does a neck-spraining double take. Giles smirks. Hee. Buffy and Xander tell Angel that they saw VampWillow too. Angel informs them about the situation at the Bronze. The group mobilizes, but in the hallway, Willow stops them to ask what they're going to do with her doppelganger, since their quest to save a bunch of people's lives couldn't possibly be time-sensitive or anything. Buffy says she's not sure. Willow realizes she forgot something, and tells them she'll catch up. She reenters the library, and reaches behind the counter when a hand grabs her around the mouth. It's VampWillow, who smiles, "Alone at last."

What-Ever After.

VampWillow distastefully regards Willow's pink sweater. "Well look at me. I'm all fuzzy." Ha! She tells Willow that Anya told her she could return her to her world, but she's getting the idea that the two of them would make a good team. Willow: "Would that mean we have to snuggle?" Special delivery from left field! What the hell did that mean? VampWillow licks Willow's neck, and asks her if she wants to be bad. I feel like this is the scene that launched a thousand fanfics. Willow tries to leave, but VampWillow won't let her. Willow picks up a cross, but VampWillow knocks it away and throws Willow over the counter. She walks around, but Willow picks up the tranquilizer gun they use for Oz and shoots her. VampWillow: "Bitch!" She passes out. Man, I need one of those.

Soon after, the Scoobs have reconvened in the library, although I'm not sure how Willow got them back. Xander and Angel drag VampWillow into the cage. Willow: "It's horrible! That's me as a vampire? I'm so evil and skanky. And I think I'm kinda gay!" Hee. But wouldn't Willow-on-Willow action be more like masturbation? Buffy assures her that a vampire's personality has nothing to do with the human's. Angel: "Well, actually" -- they stare at him -- "that's a good point." Hee! That's one of my favorite Angel moments. They try to decide what to do about the scene at the Bronze, but are at an impasse until Buffy says that she has "a really bad idea."

Outside the Bronze, Angel, having peered inside, tells Buffy, Giles, and Xander that the vamps haven't started feeding yet. He says that's a good thing to someone off-camera. "They must really be afraid of you." Oh, Angel, if only you knew what she did to you in the Wishverse. We see Willow in VampWillow's outfit: "Who wouldn't be?" She says the suit is a little binding. Catching sight of her boobs, which are standing at attention better than a company of Marines, she says, "Gosh, look at those!" Hee. And, everyone already is. The plan is for her to try to defuse the situation, but if it gets out of control, to scream. Willow knocks on the door. A vamp opens it, and she waves sunnily, saying she's back. Uh, Willow, you might have taken another thirty seconds to, I don't know, get in character? Anya and Eight Fingers look at her expectantly. I'm surprised that Anya didn't take the opportunity to pour herself a beer. And maybe feed the bartender to Eight Fingers. Anya asks where Willow is. Willow: "I killed her! And sucked her blood, as we vampires do." She tells a henchvamp that she heard a noise outside, and asks him to check it out. As soon as he's outside, Buffy and Angel stake him. Anya asks how Willow could kill, well, Willow. She tells Anya not to question her, but manages to give a surreptitious smile and wave to Oz, who looks enormously relieved. Willow goes on that Willow bothered her. "She's so weak and accommodating. She's always letting people walk all over her, and then she gets cranky with her friends for no reason! I just couldn't let her live." Heh. Although if those traits bother her so much, maybe she should do something about them. She sends another henchvamp outside. Eight Fingers suggests they get with the killing. Willow looks scared.

Library. VampWillow comes to, and seeing her outfit, she mutters, "This is like a nightmare." Just be glad this episode didn't happen in Season Four. The thought of VampWillow dressed in one of those hippy earth-mother Wiccan dresses makes me giggle, though. Cordy enters in a retina-burningly sparkling dress, looking to make Wesley cream his pants like a schoolboy. VampWillow gets her attention, and pulls out her name from the depths of her memory. Cordy asks if she locked herself in. VampWillow: "Yeah. Let me out. 'Cause I'm so helpless." Alyson Hannigan was phenomenal this episode, I must say. She not only played Willow and VampWillow, but also Willow pretending to be VampWillow and vice versa -- all perfectly. Cordy goes to get the spare key, but right as she's about to open the cage, says that this is a good opportunity for them to talk. "What could we talk about...hey! How about the ethics of boyfriend-stealing?" VampWillow looks like she realizes that she's about to learn the true nature of hell.

Willow tries to tell Eight Fingers and Anya that she doesn't feel like killing right now, as it wouldn't be enough of a challenge. Anya finally smells a rat, and calls Willow out as a human.

Library. Cordy has taken a seat and made herself a hot drink. VampWillow, hanging against the cage, looks like she'd welcome another round with the tranquilizer gun. Cordy is saying that she knew Xander was a loser, but that Willow still shouldn't have done what she did. Noticing Willow's intent gaze, she asks if she's got something on her neck. VampWillow: "Not yet." Hee. VampWillow apologizes for the Xander thing. Cordy says she should leave her in there, but she won't. "You will just have to think of a way to pay me back sometime." VampWillow vamps out. "How about dinner?"

Cordy runs screaming through the school. In a classroom, she tries to block VampWillow's way with some desks, and tells her she can have Xander. Willow says she's over him. And men in general, apparently. Wesley hears Cordy's screams. VampWillow corners Cordy in the bathroom, but Wesley appears out of nowhere and fends VampWillow off with a cross. As much as I despise Wesley, I have to give him credit for a) actually carrying a cross with him at all times, a concept seemingly a lot more difficult to grasp than one would think, and b) wrapping his fingers around the cross so that it isn't easily knocked away. He then produces some holy water. VampWillow: "Whatever." Yes, Wesley inspires that word a lot. That, and "ponce." VampWillow leaves, and Cordy hugs Wesley. They momentarily lament Willow's apparent passing. Cordy: "So are you doing anything tonight?" Well, now that he's seen you in that dress, I expect he's got a date with a bottle of Astroglide.

By Couch Baron

Willow tries to tell Eight Fingers and Anya that she doesn't feel like killing right now, as it wouldn't be enough of a challenge. Anya finally smells a rat, and calls Willow out as a human.

By Couch Baron

Anya is bitching about people and their emotional baggage. Uh, hon? You became a vengeance demon -- you've got an entire Samsonite set. Eight Fingers says he should have sniffed her out as a human earlier. Willow: "A human? Oh yeah, could a human do this?" She screams. Anya and Eight Fingers hilariously patronize her that yes, humans can do that. These hijinks are interrupted by Buffy and Angel busting in, and as fun as this episode is, I'm glad for a fight scene, as it's been spectacularly dialogue-heavy so far. Willow takes the opportunity to slug Anya in the face, and realistically displays a lot of pain afterward. In a very well choreographed fight scene with lots of long shots, Angel and Buffy kick lots of ass, Buffy using a pool cue as a weapon for much of the fight. Giles and Xander team up to stake a vamp. Oz tries to lead Willow to safety, but VampWillow shows up and tosses him into Devon. Willow: "No more snuggles?" You seem a little fixated on that idea, Will. VampWillow clocks her, then straddles and starts choking her. Buffy notices, no-look-stakes Eight Fingers, and runs to the stage, breaking the pool cue in two on the way. She moves to stake VampWillow in the back, but Willow calls her off. Buffy pulls VampWillow off instead. The Scoobs surround them. Willow: "Nice reflexes." Buffy: "Well, I work out." Oh, burn. I have to give Joss props for that subtle but razor-sharp dig at Faith. VampWillow: "This world's no fun." Willow: "You noticed that too?" Oh, yeah? Well, why don't you destroy it or something? Oops.

By Couch Baron

At the spot where VampWillow materialized, the Scoobs plus Anya prepare a ritual. Xander is pleased to hear about his bad-ass doppelganger. VampWillow looks at him like I would probably look at some of my least favorite ex-boyfriends. Buffy says she's not sure sending VampWillow back to her world is the right thing to do, but Willow says she can't kill her. Whatever -- I really can't waste my energy commenting on the ethics of this situation. Giles says they're about ready. Willow approaches VampWillow. Giles tells Anya not to try any tricks, but Anya says she doesn't need any. "When I get my powers back you will all grovel before me." Willow and VampWillow give an eye-roll in stereo. Hee. Willow wishes VampWillow luck. "Try not to kill people." She hugs her. VampWillow gets a mischievous smile on her face, and does something that prompts Willow to exclaim, "Hands!" VampWillow smiles affectionately. Aw. Cute murderers again! They kneel in a circle with Anya and Giles.

In the Wishverse, VampWillow rematerializes and looks pleased, but Oz runs her into the wooden protrusion again. She manages, "Aw, f --" and disintegrates. Not the same pathos this time around.

School, outside. Buffy asks Willow if she wants to go out that night, but Willow is into being a good little girl. She says her evil self "messed up everything she touched." On cue, Percy walks up and tells her he did the outline for his report. He didn't know which President Roosevelt the assignment was on, so he did one for each of them. Aw. So cute. So dumb. Buffy smirks. Percy gives her a bibliography as well, and asks her to let him know what he did wrong. He leaves, but ducks back to give Willow a shiny apple, then dashes off again. Buffy: "You want to go out tonight?" Willow: "Nine sound good?" Hee. Good clean fun, this episode. Except for all the killing, and the adult themes, and...oh, never mind.

Oh, Season Three -- you're finally finished, via the most labyrinthine route possible. Now I get to tackle Season Two. I know it seems like we've treated it as the redheaded stepchild of the Classics ["three words: 'Inca Mummy Girl'" -- Sars], but it'll be worth the wait, I'm sure. See you there!