Consequences

Okay. I havent had to work this hard on a recap in a long time.

Early last week, I get off MUNI a few stops early to make sure to stop by the local independent video store, so I can pick up the first third-season Buffy tape and bring all the MBTV Buffyholics across the land much joy in the long and barren summer. I walk in and realize that theyve completely reorganized the place. I dont find the TV section on the first floor, so I move on to the second, where somebody finally asks if they can help me. I tell the guy what Im after, and he says, "Oh, your guess is as good as mine." I give him the stink-eye and go poking around, trying to find my damn tape. Guy comes up to me again and says, "Theyre not over there." Biting back any number of clever and witty retorts, I go downstairs again to ask someone at the front desk to help me, since Im getting a little tired of being a conscripted participant in the video store clerks game of Hot and Cold. Desk clerk tells me to ask upstairs. I fill him in on the general unhelpfulness of the people upstairs. Desk clerk says, "I bet its still in a box or something." Then he just looks at me. Doesnt apologize. Not even a cursory "sorry." I keep looking at him. I ask if he could help me find it. He asks me what I want him to do. At that point I very calmly walk out and resolve to never, ever go there again. Or at least until I have a hankering to see a documentary on bizarre religious sects based in the Midwest.

I start my walk home. Im seething. Half a block down, a homeless person asks me for some change. I dont have any. I suppose I could ask him if he has change for a twenty, but I think that would be gauche or something. I look him in the eye. I smile and I tell him that I dont have any change on me, because I dont want to deny his humanity or anything. He says thanks and then tells me, "Never lose that pretty smile." I nod curtly, keep walking, and dont let on that he just pressed one of my big buttons because the guys homeless and I figure hes probably already having a bad day. So I cut him a little slack. Then he yells out after me, "And grow your hair long!" At which point I completely lose it. I whirl around all finger-stabbing fury and screech, "CRAM it, buddy!" Because theres nothing I hate more than some guy trying to assert weird, unsolicited penis-boy authority over my appearance. Of course, three seconds later I feel like the biggest heel on the planet because I yelled at a homeless person.

But I still need the tapes, so I hop in my car and ease on down the road to the mall. I get there without a major disaster, grab the tapes, and take them up to the counter where there is a cu-ute guy working. Hellooooo, nurse!

Cutie Clerk: Did you find everything you were looking for this evening?
Sep: Everything except true enlightenment, and I checked Sci-Fi so I guess youre all out.
Cutie Clerk: [Silence.]
Sep: Im sorry. I know you dont want hear that. You want a banal answer that you can ignore.
Cutie Clerk: Actually, thats the most interesting thing Ive heard all day. Got any more?
Sep: Ask me another pointless question.
Cutie Clerk: Will you be using your frequent shoppers card today?
Sep: No. Because, you see, I am not a frequent shopper. I prefer to hoard my wealth into a big pile on which I roll around naked every night. It loses its allure when all youve got are three quarters and a nickel.

I completed my transaction. He did not ask for my number! I am perplexed. As Ace said, "But youre cute and you said the word naked in front of him." But maybe he can tell that Im the type of girl who yells at bums, so he instinctively knew to steer clear. Who knows?

So I get home and get all settled in to start, at long last, the recap. But then I cant find the VCR remote, which I havent used once since I got TiVo. Which, by the way, has improved the quality of my life more than anything, ever. What to do? The recapping process requires a remote. Five out of five recappers agree. I spent six months trying to convince my insurance company that grafting a third arm onto my body for dedicated remote operation was an occupational necessity. Thinking quickly, I clomp downstairs and relieve a long wooden tomato stake from duty in the backyard. Back upstairs, I sit down and press play on the VCR with my really long stick andtheres this gross squishy sound, because Ive managed to smash a tomato worms icky green segmented body right between my "remote" and the play button. Right there, in that moment, I give up. I throw myself down on the bed and go to sleep. The morning, Latch wakes me up by licking my face. I blearily look over to the scene of last nights carnage and see a couple of stray chewed-up tomato-worm bits. Eeeewwww. I hope you people appreciate what I go through for you.

I swear to the deity of your choice that every word of that was true. Now if anyone besides Sars is still reading this, Im ready to start the recap. ["Sars went to bed hours ago. I'll finish up for her, but only if you talk about Latch some more." -- Hobey the cat]

We're underwater. It's dark; bubbles rise. Buffy swims frantically towards the surface, but Allan Finch grabs her ankle and holds on tightly. Buffy flails away from him and finally gets her head above the surface. As she gasps for breath, we see Faith leaning over her. Faith grabs Buffy's head and pushes her back underwater.

Buffy, in cozy flannel pajamas, wakes from her nightmare. Looking miserable, she rises slowly from her bed and walks to her mother's bedroom, where the TV is tuned to a news segment about the recovery of Finch's body. As Buffy stares at the TV in horror, the Mayor delivers a speech, saying he will not rest until whoever did this is "found and brought to justice." Ooops! So much for Faith's brilliant "it never happened" plan. Joyce notices Buffy lurking in the doorway behind her and delivers one of her two lines this episode: "It's just terrible, isn't it?"

Daytime. Sunnydale High School library. Wes prisses that he wants the Slayers to look into Finch's death. Did we ever get an explanation of Wes's cover story for hanging around the library so much? Giles at least works there, but I'm thinking somebody might have become curious about a strange foreign stuffed-shirt guy always haunting the stacks, leching at the underage girlies. Did Giles try to pass Wes off as an intern? His cousin? A student teacher from the local university? His new boyfriend who needs a green card? Now this is going to bug me. Buffy tries to control her anxiety as she protests that Finch's murder is not their "jurisdiction," but Faith smilingly agrees to investigate if that's what Wesley wants. Giles and Wes get snippy with each other, because Giles thinks investigating a normal murder is a waste of the girls' time. And then arrives the second major flaw of season three. Flaw number one was Wesley existing at all. Flaw number two is the horrible, uncomfortable flirtation between Cordelia and Wesley. Ugh. Watching these two moon at each other is about as appealing as licking the floor of the guy's locker room at my gym. Not that I'd know from experience or anything. Anyway, Cordy enters the library looking for psychology books, and Wesley is rendered speechless by her, uh, beauty, I guess. Speechless Wesley is all good, but sadly he finds his tongue to introduce himself to Cordy. Wes makes the mistake of thinking Cordy is a teacher at the school, and who can blame him, really, because by season three Charisma Carpenter looked like she'd logged about twenty-seven hard years of sun damage. Cordy flirts a little and seems to find Wes attractive, which makes me figure that being hurt by Xander made her decide, "Oh, time I'm going to date an even wimpier butt-monkey loser than the last one!" She leaves to spend few more hours in her favorite booth at Malibu Tans. Wes is gross and describes Cordy as "cheeky," but Faith cracks me up by telling him, "Uh, first word: jail; second word: bait." Buffy just looks sad. The Slayers leave to patrol after getting a final reminder from Wes that he wants them to catch the person who killed Finch.

Moments later, Faith leads Buffy into an empty classroom. Hmmm, I'm seriously envying Faith's "Motor City Baby" scoop-neck T-shirt. Buffys brown and somewhat sparkly strappy tank is pretty cool too. Someone take my temperature, please, because I just complimented an article of clothing chosen by the Fashion Nazi. The girls close the classroom doors (an attempt at secrecy that we never saw the likes of in season five), and Faith demands to know if Buffy is going to "rat [her] out." Buffy responds that she feels they have to tell, and that she can't pretend to investigate the murder. Faith tosses Buffy's deception about the return of Angel back in her face; Buffy ignores that and broken-records that they must tell. Faith feels that she'll go to jail if the girls reveal the secret, and I think it might have helped at this point for them to discuss exactly who they were planning to tell and possible reactions they could anticipate. But that would be logical communication, and really all they're doing is engaging in a conversation on a second-grade level. Buffy: "Yes, yes, yes, yes!" Faith: "No, no, no, no!" Waah, you meanie, give me back my dolly! Faith ruins her we-must-do-it-my-way message by snapping, "You were right there beside me when this whole thing went down. Anything I have to answer for, you do, too. You're a part of this, B. All the way," before flouncing out of the room. See, by saying Buffy's a part of it, she essentially gives Buffy equal rights to handle the situation how she chooses. "It's my problem. Let me deal with it my way" would be a better approach with Buffy, I think.

Buffy, still at school, wanders down a hall sadly and then spots Willow studying on a couch. As Buffy approaches, Willow looks up at her apprehensively and then pointedly looks back at her book. Buffy sits down; Willow picks at her book and asks where Faith went. The girls both speak at once, and then Willow stuffs her books in her bag, saying she has to leave to work on de-ratting Amy. Poor Amy. Damn, that girl has been a rat a long time. I hope in season six we get the gentle mercy of being released from worrying about Amy the Rat, you know? Anything would be fine at this point -- even a tiny rat funeral. Oooh, Im gonna get death threats for that. Willow leaves quickly and Buffy sits, looking sad. There's a theme there. Buffy's sad. I thought I'd just point it out for any viewers in a coma who have lost their hearing.

That night, we're in the alley where Finch was killed. Police investigate the bloody Dumpster and interview a witness who supposedly overheard a man scream. I don't know what's up with that, because Finch didn't scream. He might have grunted, but I checked the "Bad Girls" tape and there was no scream. The camera pans around and we see Angel lurking behind a chain-link fence. He has an unnecessarily long flashback to finding Buffy in the alley with blood on her hand and beetles his brows in a constipated way. Ah, a look we know well! It's Angel "thinking."

The Mayor is in his office, bitching because shredding files isn't giving him the "lift" it usually does. As Trick listens patiently, the Mayor explains that Finch left a paper-trail of their nefarious dealings. He fusses about not getting the chance to "scold" Finch for preparing to betray him. Trick gives the Mayor the coroner's report on the killing, which reveals that Finch was struck right through the heart with a weapon that left wooden splinters in the wound. Trick figures that one of the Slayers was most likely responsible for the killing. "Do you think he talked to them?" frets the Mayor. "If he did, I'm thinking he said the wrong thing," snarks Trick. The Mayor starts chuckling; the idea of a Slayer on trial for murder is "sunshine and roses" to him.

Even later that night, Buffy and Faith break into Finch's office. Faith makes with the inappropriate humor, and Buffy "tsks" at her. Faith picks up a photo of Finch with the Mayor and strokes the frame. Her tough facade seems to crumble a little as she quietly muses, "He came out of nowhere." "I know," acknowledges Buffy, but somehow the moment slips by and Faith snarls, "Whatever. I'm not looking to hug and cry and learn and grow. I'm just sayin' it happened quick, you know?" She then wants to leave, but Buffy has a theory that Finch was looking for them. The fact that Finch's file drawers are all empty seems to indicate that something shady is going on. The girls are sneaking out of Finch's office when they spot the Mayor and Trick leaving the Mayor's office. Buffy and Faith quickly duck behind the door and hear that Trick and the Mayor are clearly in cahoots.

Faith and Buffy are walking down a street, discussing what they just learned. Buffy seems dispirited and admits she didn't get a "bad-guy vibe" off the Mayor. Faith laughs and tells her she needs to learn about people: "Nine times out of ten, the face they're showing you is not the real one." Buffy stops and says Faith seems to know a lot about that. She feels that Faith is putting on a light-hearted show about the killing, but that inside she must be feeling "like something sick creeped inside [her]." She commiserates that she feels the same way and wishes the whole thing were just a nightmare. Faith snarkily interrupts, and Buffy begs her for permission to tell Giles. Faith refuses, which I think is rather shortsighted. I mean, hi? The Mayor of Sunnydale, who has already vowed to find the killer, has just been revealed to be a super-bad guy to boot, and I would think you would want as many people on your side as you could get. Faith says everything is going to blow over (again, the Mayor is after your ass and he's evil -- think it through, honey), and if it doesn't, she can just skip town on a freighter.

Buffy is agitated by the thought of living with daily memories of the killing, but Faith counters that, as Slayers, they have saved thousands of lives, even saved the world. To her, that puts them "in the plus column." "We help people! It doesn't mean we can do whatever we want!" explodes Buffy, but Faith is unconvinced; she argues that Finch was a black hat. To Faith, Slayers are "warriors" and "better than everybody else." She concludes, "In the balance, nobody's gonna cry over some random bystander who got caught in the crossfire." "I am," replies Buffy, sadly ('cause she's sad this episode. Just pointing it out, because it's not obvious at all and I like to be helpful that way). Faith tells her, "That's your loss," and walks away.

When Buffy arrives home, she finds a police officer waiting to interview her about her activities the night before. Buffy tells him she was out until about one in the morning. The camera pans, and we see the same officer interviewing Faith, who says she and Buffy were "hangin'." They both claim to have been at Faith's watching TV, but name different programs. The officer says he has witnesses who saw the girls in the alley, and asks if a wooden weapon means anything to them. The officer then asks each girl to come clean if they are covering for someone. As the officer leaves Faith's motel room, we see Angel lurking behind the pay phone. Jeez, Hunchy McBadposture, I know youre supposed to be all tortured and brooding, but could you please just stand up straight? Might relieve that bad case of the gloomies you have. And lose that lame overcoat with the big, girly silver buttons while you're at it.

Willow is in her room working on her computer when Buffy knocks on her door. Buffy wants to talk, and Willow is happy because she's been "letting things fester" and she wants to be "fester-free." She then admits that while she understands that Buffy and Faith should bond, she's mad about their "Slayers-only" attitude. Buffy is obviously upset by the mention of Faith's name, but Willow doesn't really notice and grouses, "All of a sudden I'm not cool enough for you because I can't kill things with my bare hands." Buffy bursts into tears, shocking Willow, who hugs her close and frantically apologizes and calls herself a "bad, bad person." "Will, I'm in trouble," sniffs Buffy, and I start counting on my fingers back to "Surprise" but oh! Buffy means the accidental-killing kind of in-trouble, not that other kind of in-trouble. Later, it seems that Buffy has told Willow the whole story, and Willow looks horrified. She asks if Faith is "in shock" and then tells Buffy to go to Giles. "He'll know what to do."

Van. Faith, chained in the back with Wesley and another guy. Blather about how the first priority of the Council is to help her. Faith tests her chains. Wesley notices and instructs the hired goon to tighten them. But that's exactly what Faith wanted, see, because as soon as hes within range, she pins the goon's head to the floor of the truck with her foot and warns Wesley that if he doesn't let her go, she'll "pop this guy's head like a grape." Wesley complies, and Faith jumps out the back of the truck. Huh. These goons seem remarkably less competent than the crew they sent after Faith in season four. But whatever. The area above my right eye is beginning to throb, so Im just going to have to accept the double-think of the Council being incredibly powerful despite the ineptitude of ninety percent of the members. ["Ninety percent? More like all of them except Giles!" -- Ace]

Mansion. Buffy returns to find Angel all trussed up like a Christmas goose.

Library. Angel fills the gang in on Faiths abduction. Buffy wonders aloud what action the Council will take vis--vis Faith; Giles speculates that they'll "lock her up for a good long while." Buffy decides that they should intercept them at the airport, but Willow, the sole voice of reason here, thinks that Faith "belongs behind bars." Yknow, if Buffy or any other Scooby bends any further backwards trying to help Faith, they could give up that whole "saving the world" gig and hire on with the circus as contortionists. Its really getting a little reeeediculous at this point. Buffy, thumbing through a catalog to pick out a spangly pink costume, protests that "Angel was getting somewhere with her...if we could just stop Wesley." "That's no longer an issue," declares Wesley, entering the library. Buffy gets exasperated with Wesley for ruining things yet again and dispatches the gang to look for the escaped Faith. Wesley: "What can I do? I want to help." Buffy: "Still got your ticket back to the mother country?" Ouch. Thatll leave a mark. Oh, and [Nelson voice] HA ha!

Docks. Buffy walks by, looking for Faith. Faith is already on a ship, but reveals herself to Buffy. Buffy again tries to talk to Faith, but Faith goads Buffy into punching her. That seems to drive something home to Buffy, who realizes that the line between herself and Faith could easily disappear -- if she let it. Buffy suddenly notices a wooden crate which is about to fall on Faith and pushes her out of the way, taking the blow herself. Faith tries to help Buffy, but they're beset by Mr. Trick and a trio of vamp minions. Two of them take on Faith, who grapples with them while the third just stands there balancing his checkbook or something. Faith deals with the first two enough for the third vamp to run past her and get thrown into some crates. He didn't even get a punch off. How did this guy get included in the raid? Nepotism? Faith throws one vamp into the bay while Buffy struggles free, but she's immediately punched by Mr. Trick. Buffy's still shaken and not getting the best of the fight. Faith stakes another vamp. Mr. Trick ties his red tie around Buffy's neck and is just dragging her around like a dog. For some reason, its actually one of the scarier fights Ive seen. He makes ready to bite her, but suddenly rears up, saying, "No. This is no good at all," before dissolving into dust. Buffy looks, grateful and confused, at Faith. Yknow, I just realized that when Mr. Trick burst on the scene, he was all talking about the vamp equivalent of Webvan -- ordering hapless victims online to be delivered overnight and farm-fresh to your door. But he turned out to be more flash than substance. AndIm boring everyone again, arent I? Well, excuse me while I go work on my journal article, "The Rise and Fall of Mr. Trick as Harbinger of the Dot-Com Bust."