The Wish

We open with a shot of a small, tranquil, flower-filled pond. I don't like where this is headed already. The camera pans right, and ominous music kicks in to let us know I'm not wrong. We see something that on first glance looks like a pair of alligator-skin boots, but is actually the legs of a large demon, which is holding Buffy by the neck against a tree. The demon looks like your standard B-movie Swamp Thing dealie. Buffy manages to shout, "Nerf!" I fervently hope for her to get hit in the face with a foam football, but sadly, it's not to be. Back to the left, Xander appears characteristically to have been knocked to the ground. Willow frantically looks through Buffy's bag. Realizing that "Nerf!" is I'm Being Choked, You Idiot for "knife," she grabs a knife and tosses it to Buffy from behind her (?). Buffy dispatches the demon with an ineffective-looking stab. She thanks Willow and Xander for being there, as it was "too close for comfort." Nice un-anvilicious foreshadowing there, although I could have done without the flashback to Monroe Ficus. Has there ever been a gayer name than that? They realize that the demon isn't going to combust like a vamp would, and that they'll have to bury it. Xander wonders why Faith wasn't there, but Buffy says she couldn't reach her, and that she's a little worried. "Slaying's a rough gig. Too much alone time is unhealthy." Xander asks if they're done for the day, which prompts Buffy to inquire if he has plans. The answer is a resounding "no." He says he's tried to call Cordelia numerous times, with no luck. He babbles that the incident in the factory in "Lovers Walk" was the last time he and Willow were going to kiss, and rationalizes that the whole mess is Oz's and Cordy's fault for rescuing them. Well, I'm sure they're kicking themselves for rescuing you, too. Buffy: "Your logic does not resemble our Earth logic." Buffy, considering how much time you spent visiting the moons of Spike in Season Six, I'd tone it down. Willow says that she's looking forward to school the day. Buffy thinks she's planning to distract herself with schoolwork, but Willow corrects her, saying that she's planning to beg Oz for forgiveness. She goes on that she wants to be strong, but when she thinks that she might never be close to Oz again, it's like "all the air just goes out of the room." Aw. Buffy: "I know the feeling." Yes, Angel is certainly a master of sucking the air out of the room. Xander wants to know how Buffy deals with her tough times. Buffy: "I have you guys." I hear a loud metallic CLUNK! When I look over, I see that Un-anvilicious Foreshadowing has been crushed to death by his evil twin, Anvilicious Foreshadowing. Damn.

We hear a message from Xander as, in close-up, a pair of scissors cuts up a photograph of Cordy, Xander, Willow, and Buffy. Convenient that Oz wasn't in it. We see, of course, that it's Cordy wielding the scissors. She's wearing sweatpants, so you know she's hit rock bottom. She makes an extra cut to the part of the picture with her own face on it, which I thought was an interesting detail. Messages from Xander continue to play as Cordy sniffles a bit. She puts the pieces in a small bowl and sets them on fire. The camera focuses on Xander's image burning. Credits.

Willow, standing by a row of lockers, looks around worriedly. Buffy appears and asks her how it's going. Willow babbles that Oz hasn't been to his locker. "There may be books in there that he needs, but still, he doesn't come!" Aw. Buffy asks if Xander has seen Cordelia. Willow says no, but that Amy saw her at the mall the evening, and that she looked "pretty scary."

School parking lot. I'm almost positive, although I couldn't confirm it, that the opening guitar riff from George Thorogood's "Bad To The Bone" is playing. A car pulls in, the door opens, and we see a pair of heels hit the blacktop. The camera pans up to reveal Cordy, dressed to kill in a brown leather jacket/skirt combo. I don't think it's a particularly flattering look for her, but she's definitely projecting a man-eater vibe. Down the courtyard, she sees Harmony and a few girls, to whom I'll refer as the "Harmionettes," for reasons that should be obvious. Harmony has minions! Hee. They catch sight of Cordy, who waits uncertainly. Harmony, with a sunny smile, greets Cordelia and says she looks amazing. I'm so inordinately pleased to note that Nicole Bilderback is one of the Harmionettes that I stand up and shriek, "Awesome! Oh wow! Like totally freak me out, I mean, right on!" at the TV. Ahem. She will be Whitney in the recap. From the back, Harmony pulls a girl forward and introduces her. She is, of course, Anya, with her hair looking about five thousand times healthier than in later seasons. She says, "Nice bag. Prada?" Cordy's impressed. Harmony says she couldn't believe it when she heard what happened with Xander, but that the injury time-out she took was smart, to let people forget about him. Cordy: "Xander who?" Good one. Not. They tee-hee. Whitney tells Cordy she should start dating again, and Harmony says she has someone who is "so you." They walk over to the stairs, where Jonathan is sitting. Harmony laughs that he probably won't cheat on Cordy. Not until "Superstar," at least. Cordy bows her head as Whitney and Harm titter. Anya, however, is unamused. They leave.

Oz goes to his locker. Willow, emerging from stalker position, walks up and starts babbling. Oz gives her a cursory "hey" and turns to walk away. Willow starts to apologize, but he brusquely says that she did that earlier. She offers to try to make up for what she did, but he says he needs time to figure things out. She thinks it would be better if they talked, but he calls her out, saying that he told her what he needs, and that she only wants to talk so she can feel better about herself. I give that more words than a graduate thesis. Willow's lack of self-awareness is the Energizer bunny of this show. I feel bad for her here, but she's worse than Buffy at not learning life's lessons, and that's saying something. Plus, Buffy's got that whole Slayer thing as an excuse.

Cordy, inside, spies Xander down the hall. She gets some jock's attention, and asks him to check if she has something in her teeth. From Xander's viewpoint, it sort of looks like they could be making out, but it's a pretty cheap ruse. I channel Randal in Clerks: "I don't appreciate your ruse, ma'am." God, I loved him. Still, Xander buys it, as he dejectedly walks away. She asks the jock how it's going. He tells her he can't be seen with "Xander Harris's cast-off," but if she wants to "go someplace private" the implication being that he wouldn't be adverse to dancing the Posturepedic polka with her. Cordy is stunned, and he takes off. Maybe she deserved that to blow up in her face, but it was still pretty harsh. She looks like she wants to take a bleach shower, but she's accosted by Anya. Cordy invites Anya to dump on her too, but Anya surprises her by saying that she thinks she's the only person worth hanging out with at school. Cordy asks about Harmony. Anya: "She follows me around. If that girl had an original thought her head would explode." Can't argue with that. I briefly wonder whether Anya's just putting on a good act here, or if her powers actually make her more empathetic when she needs to be. Cordy notices Anya's necklace, and asks if it's Gucci. Anya says that it's actually a family heirloom and a good-luck charm, and Cordy replies she could have used one of those pre-Xander. Anya subtly starts to work the wish mojo, but Cordy says she's not interested in wishing, just acting. Cordy, I've watched you on Angel. Stick with the wishing. She announces, "Starting now Xander Harris is going to get a bellyful of just how over him I am."

Bronze. Anya and Cordy are talking to a few guys. Anya looks great in a simple black cocktail dress. Cordy, on the other hand, has gone for the horrifying exacta of crimped hair and a red dress, with what looks like a vinyl boob area that many ladies of the evening would blush to behold. Cordy is laughing loudly, clearly aware that Xander, Buffy, and Willow are on a nearby couch. Shout-out? Speaking of which, have I ever told you the story of how I got the moniker Couch Baron? It's really the funniest story ever -- pure hilarity. And here's Sars to tell it. ["Oh, brother. Well, strictly speaking, it's just your moniker from Tomato Nation, but back in college, the two of us used to sit on this one grotty taproom couch every night and crack on people. I don't even remember where the 'Baron' part came from. Damn, that's not funny at all, is it?" -- Sars] Xander fake-laughs even harder in return, and tries to get Willow and Buffy to join in. One of the guys at Cordelia's table bears more than a passing resemblance to James Van Der Beek. Cordy, I know I've harshed on Xander in the past, but this is a huge downward move, trust me. Buffy says she's "supporto gal." Okay. Personally, I think we've seen way too many instances of females on this show being decidedly deficient in the way of "supporto," if you know what I mean, and I think you do. Anya, I'm looking at you. And also, "gal"? No wonder she started dating Riley. Buffy goes on that she feels weird about the "us versus Cordelia" thing, as she was a wronged party, and Willow agrees. Xander counters that he's through with "Guiltapalooza," and that they should enjoy themselves. Buffy and Willow see the merits of his argument, and they all smile and look around dorkily. Buffy, after about five seconds: "That didn't work. Who wants chocolate?" Willow and Xander raise their hands. Heh. Buffy leaves. Xander babbles about Cordy, and for emphasis, grabs Willow's hand, for which she chastises him. He wonders why that's a problem, as they used to engage in friendly touches all the time, but she rightly points out that things are different now, and if she hopes to get Oz back, "my handsall my stuff has to be for him only." Xander sulks so hard that his lower lip almost decapitates a passing extra.

Buffy, in line at the counter, sees Cordy kiss Anya good night. Cordy clutches her stomach and winces slightly, then leaves. Buffy grabs her purse and follows. Outside, she catches up with Cordy, who demands to know if Xander sent her. Buffy says she's a "free agent," and asks how she is. Cordy says she's fine, and turns to go, but Buffy tells her she knows what it's like to be badly emotionally hurt, and suggests they talk about how she's feeling. Cordy, at least realizing that Buffy's been there before, seems ready to do just that when a vamp jumps out of nowhere behind Buffy. They fight. Buffy kicks him, sending him flying into Cordelia. They both fall into a pile of trash. The vamp gets back up, but Buffy quickly stakes him. Cordy gets up disgustedly. To add insult to injury, Harmony and the Harmionettes choose this moment to walk by. Cordy, apparently not caring that Buffy just saved her life, says a question has been on her mind a lot lately, namely why all these bad things happen to her. "I think I've finally figured it out! What my problem is? It's --"

"-- Buffy Summers." It's the day at school. In the courtyard, Cordy is telling this to Anya. Cordy touches her stomach again, and says she pulled some stitches thanks to Buffy, who is again sitting nearby with Willow and Xander. Harmony and the Harmionettes walk by. Harm: "Loved the look last night, Cor. Dumpster chic for the dumped?" Okay, so much for her not having an original thought -- that was freaking hilarious. Cordy looks ashamed. Anya kindly unfastens her necklace and puts it around Cordy's neck, saying she needs it right now. Hmm. I don't think this set-up was done in any other vengeance demon situation we've seen. Was it just an affectation, or a plot contrivance? Anya, by the way, has gone for a more Junior League hairdo today. It's not nearly as flattering as the pulled-back look from the day, but since her hair still looks very healthy, I don't care. Cordy says she could use some luck, and bitches about Buffy some more. Anya tries to turn the topic to Xander, but Cordy won't be deterred, saying that she never would have looked twice at Xander if it weren't for Buffy, which is almost certainly true. Anya seems interested now, and looks over at Buffy. Cordy: "I wish Buffy Summers had never come to Sunnydale." Anya, now in Anyanka game face, turns back to Cordy, who gasps. Anyanka rasps, "Done!" Fade to white.

Cordy, in the same spot, looks around. Anyanka is gone. There are a lot fewer students, and they seem to be in more of a hurry. Cordy touches her stomach, which seems to be healed. She realizes her wish was granted, and surmises that Anya was a "scary, veiny good fairy." Inside, Cordy sees Harmony and the, well, Cordettes. They're all dressed a bit more, shall we say, sensibly, in various dark colors. Harmony, catching sight of Cordy, asks where she's been, and Whitney says she loves Cordy's dress, which is bright blue, by the way, and that it's "so daring." The jock from earlier appears and very politely asks Cordy to the "Winter Brunch." Cordy says she'll get back to him, and he can't believe his good luck. Harm sucks up to Cordy, who asks what the Winter Brunch is.

Class. There are only about eight students, at a glance. Who says public schools are overcrowded? The bell rings. The nervous teacher says there's no class the day because of the "monthly memorial," and leaves. Everyone starts rushing out. Cordy wonders why, but Whitney says curfew starts in an hour. Cordy ignores that and says she wants to go out, suggesting the Bronze. They look at her like she asked them all to wear tie-dye. Cordy: "Oh! The Bronze isn't cool in this reality! I've got to make these little adjustments." Heh. Although it seems a bit inconsistent that she figured out so quickly that her wish was granted, but had to be hit over the head to realize the consequences of said wish. Harm asks what's going on, saying that Cordy's wearing a "come bite me" outfit and making jokes about the Bronze. Cordy tries to cover by saying that she hit her head, and keeps forgetting stuff. She "casually" tries to ascertain that Xander and Willow are nobodies in this reality. Harm: "Well yeah. They're dead." She rolls her eyes and leaves. Cordy looks nine kinds of "Huh?"

In the empty parking lot, Cordy accosts a grounds man, asking where her car is. He retorts that students aren't allowed to drive, and that she should get in before the sun sets. I wonder why she doesn't think to stop by the library now, but her later comment to Giles makes me realize she never could have expected he'd be there. Also, I assume there was a school bus that she missed or something, because the students certainly couldn't be expected to walk home. Cordy stalks off.

Main drag. It's now dark. Sirens wail, and Cordy walks quickly, now clearly having some idea that she's in trouble. She stops suddenly in front of a very pale, very leather-clad, very hot-looking Xander. He calls her by name. Cordy, having missed not only the school bus but also the clue train, says that Harmony told her he was dead. Xander is playing menacing well, but I'm the tiniest bit distracted from his performance by the sparkly white necklace he's wearing. Cordy tells him that they need to find Buffy, because she'll figure out a way to save them. Xander: "Buffy. The Slayer?" Cordy confirms that. The original utterance of possibly the most famous line ever spoken on this show cuts in: "Boorrred now." We see a pair of leather-clad legs, and the camera pans up to show a very pale Willow, sporting her notorious leather cat-suit-type creation. She kittenishly (hee) goes on that "this is the part that's less fun, when there isn't any screaming." Cordy, still reading the situation on a second-grade comprehension level, asks what the deal with the leather is. Xander and Willow canoodle a bit, prompting Cordy to screech that she can't win, since even in "Bizarroland," Xander and Willow are an item. If you look closely in the background, you can see a Sunnydale Gazette with the front page: "Xander Harris. Vampire!" Xander agrees with the "can't win" sentiment, and vamps out. "But I'll give you a head start." Cordy gasps and runs. She does get a few points back for ditching her bag. Xander, in no hurry, macks with Willow. Cordy runs, but Xander catches her and throws her to the ground, knocking her out. Willow grouses that she didn't even fight. We hear the squeal of tires. Xander: "Aw, swell. It's the white hats." A van pulls up, and Giles, Larry, and a random girl we later find out is named Nancy pile out and fend Willow and Xander off with stakes and crosses. Nancy's real-life husband is Giovanni Ribisi, according to the IMDb. That's for the three of you who care. Oz is in the driver's seat, holding a crossbow. Larry and Nancy retrieve Cordelia, and they all drive off.

Library. Cordy is still unconscious, but Giles says her pulse is strong. Nancy bitches about Cordy's outfit, saying that vamps are attracted to bright colors. Since when? If that were true, Willow would have died several times over in Seasons Three and Four, I'm sure. Larry: "That's Cordelia. It's better to look good than to feel alive." Giles instructs the kids to guard the perimeter.

Exterior of the Bronze. Aggressive rock plays as Xander and Willow, their arms around each other, approach. It's a gruesome scene. Vamps are feeding off people. Inside, people are in cages. One is chained to the pool table. Xander runs one finger down the pool table guy's upper torso. Hmm, that makes me wonder -- more on that later. Xander and Willow walk through some curtains to the inner sanctum, where they find the Master, who asks if they're hungry. He picks a dazed girl up off the floor, and complains that she keeps looking at him while he's trying to feed. Hee. Willow looks eager, and vamps out. He tosses the girl to her, and she digs in. The Master nostalgically says that he remembers that bloodlust, and asks for news. Xander relates what happened with Cordelia. The Master says that Giles will be dealt with, but gets agitated when he hears that Cordy mentioned the Slayer. Willow rejoins them. The Master: "The plant begins operation in less than twenty-four hours. You will find this girl. You will kill her before she contacts the Slayer, or I'll see you two kissing daylight."

Cordy comes to and babbles to Giles about the wish she made. She says that Buffy should be there, and, as gears grind, she asks why he's there, as he was Buffy's Watcher. He's startled, as he never told anyone that he was a Watcher. He hears a faint noise, which sends him to the cage for weapons. He grabs a cross and a stake. Turning, he tells her to start her story again, but the cage door slams in his face. Willow, vamped out, taunts him. Xander, also in game face and holding Cordelia: "Not too bright, book guy." Sadly, I'm forced to agree. Giles slams the cross against the cage, and Willow backs up, snarling. Xander: "So you're a Watcher, huh? Watch this." He bites Cordy. Willow joins in. The camera spins around them. Willow and Xander hold each other, and it's very sensual and horrifying at the same time -- sort of like reading fanfic. Giles watches helplessly. The vamps disengage, and Cordy falls to the floor. They smile at Giles and leave, Willow tossing the key to the cage to the floor as they go.

You've Got Mail. I've made my feelings about that movie clear in another recap, so I'll confine my comments to this: Blech.

Giles hacks at the cage lock with an axe until it gives. He drops to the ground to check on Cordy, but she's dead. Oz and Larry rush in, saying the vamps hit them outside, and that Nancy is dead. Giles momentarily looks like he's going to break, but recovers to ask them to take Cordy's corpse to the incinerator. Somewhat in shock, they pick her up, but Giles instructs them to stop when he catches sight of the pendant around her neck. I really don't understand why this hasn't shown up in later episodes. Maybe because it didn't make much sense. Hrumph. Giles takes the necklace, and Larry and Oz leave.