Sexy And Seventeen

S03E06

First off, extra props to Ace and Sep. It's only since the new season started that I've truly been exposed to how much work moderating the forums is, and writing funny recaps of new episodes on top of that deserves big snaps. The same goes for Sars, Wing, and Glark for all the work you guys are doing. More thanks to Sars for the Giles ad -- not only did I enjoy it, but it's great timing for this recap. ["Any time, my friend." -- Sars] So let's take a break with some Classic fun!

Graveyard. Buffy sits on a blanket as Giles, standing, reads a passage that sounds like it could be demon lore. However, he then asks her which of three choices best describes the theme of the passage. Before he can read all three choices, though, Buffy picks "B." "We haven't had 'B' in forever." Giles: "This is the SAT's, Buffy, not connect the dots." Heh. Honestly, though, if Buffy was going to score so well, couldn't we have gotten an indication of her doing any amount of serious studying? Giles tries to impress upon her the importance of the test until she looks up and cries, "Roll!" A vamp has appeared behind Giles, and he gets out of the way as Buffy engages the vamp. After a short fight, Buffy stakes him with her pencil. Heh. She tries to use the broken pencil as an excuse to end the study session, but Giles hands her another pencil while telling her the correct theme to the passage: "All systems tend towards chaos." Nice un-anvilicious foreshadowing there. Buffy whines that "us and the undead are the only people in Sunnydale working this late."

City Hall. The Mayor thanks Mr. Trick for coming, as the matter they're attending to is "urgent, also, delicate." Trick says that the job is a little out of his area of expertise, but that he can subcontract it to someone who's "worked your town before. And if he lives up to his rep, this place'll be in flames." If it weren't for the first bit, I would have thought he was talking about Lex Luthor. And that's a crossover I'd like to see. "Demons, Demons, Demons" meets the Torch. Hee. The Mayor explains that he's made certain deals to get where he is, and "this demon requires his tribute." He unlocks and opens a wooden armoire, which contains a large assortment of nasty-looking idols and weapons. The Mayor says that the difference between him and other politicians is that he keeps his campaign promises. Interesting that he doesn't think that aspiring to become an all-powerful demon is a "difference." And very few people could have delivered that line without a loud "CLUNK!" immediately following it, but luckily Harry Groener is one of them. He picks up a shrunken head. "Where did I put that Scotch?" I think I saw that same scene on The Osbournes. Credits.

By Couch Baron

For those of you who are annoyed by Kristin Kreuk's Neutrogena commercials, I have three words for you: Jennifer. Love. Hewitt.

School. Walking down the outdoor staircase, Buffy is telling Willow and Oz about a nightmare she had involving "an improperly filled-in answer bubble screaming 'None of the above!'" Willow: "I hope that wasn't one of your prophecy dreams!" Hee. Oz offers to help Buffy study. Willow informs Buffy that Oz is the highest-scoring person not to graduate in Sunnydale history. We already know that he's the quintessential smart slacker, dear. It was still cute, though, as Buffy points out. Oz: "She's always cute." Right back at you, slacker boy. Xander and Cordelia join them. Xander complains about having to take the SAT's, but Cordy says she does well on standardized tests, which earns her a look from the rest of the gang. "What? I can't have layers?" Sure, about forty-six of them, all on your face. Willow asks Buffy if she wants to study that night, but Buffy complains that between her mother and Giles, she has no spare time and is under constant supervision. "It's like being in the Real World house, only real." Buffy, don't put Giles and your mom in the same thought as Steven and Trishelle. Although, now that I think of it, that comparison is fairly appropriate for this episode. The kids have entered the cafeteria by now, and they notice that Snyder has numerous boxes of chocolate bars to him. Xander takes a box from him, and wonders if the Ghost of Christmas Past stopped by the principal's office for a visit. Snyder explains that it's band candy, and orders them to sell it to pay for the marching band's new uniforms. Buffy says they'd love to be "all Willy Loman," but they're not in the band. Okay, so the same girl that's playing connect the dots on the SAT can pull out an offhand Death Of A Salesman reference? Then again, looking at her face, she's got "layers" too, so maybe I'll just let it go. Snyder: "And if I'd handed you a trombone, that would have been a problem, Summers. It's candy. Sell it." Hee.

Summers kitchen. Joyce: "But you're not in the band." Buffy: "And yet." Joyce says she doesn't know what she'd do with that many candy bars, but Buffy suggests that she hand them out at the gallery. Maybe we can throw one Continuity's way for the mention of Joyce's job. Joyce says she'll take twenty. Buffy says she's a good mom, but the best moms let their daughters drive. Joyce: "And yet." Hee! Toss another bar to Snappy Dialogue! Buffy pleads her case, but Joyce points out that she didn't even pass the written test when she took it a year ago. That's horribly pathetic, if you ask me. They snit a little about Buffy's summer holiday, but Buffy declares she's home to stay. Predictably, she then says she's got to leave, as Giles is expecting her for a "slay-study double feature." Joyce opines that Giles is monopolizing Buffy's time. Hey, don't knock it till you try it, lady. Which will of course happen very soon.

Library. Giles is blindfolding Buffy, and she wonders why she's putting up with it. Giles: "Because it is your destiny. And because I've just bought twenty Cocorific candy bars." Heh. He gives Buffy a dodge ball, and says he's testing her awareness of an opponent's location during a fight in total darkness. He instructs her to wait five seconds, and then throw the ball at him. He backs away, and she counts off the time. She turns away from him, and he grins smugly. She lets the ball fly, and he starts to gloat about how the task is harder than it looks. The ball bounces off the wall and hits him squarely in the head. Ha! Chastened, he compliments her. She thanks him, takes off the blindfold, and starts to leave. He wonders where she's going, but she breezily tells him that Joyce is on the warpath, and she's got to get home. Now that trick is typical teenage behavior. Except for the part where she's doing it to spend time with a vampire. It's a minor twist, though. Giles looks perplexed.

Mansion. Angel, shirtless, practices T'ai Chi in the garden. Buffy approaches, and watches until he catches sight of her. Somewhat shyly, she says that she didn't know he could do that. Maybe he took it up in hell -- he was probably under a lot of stress. He says he's feeling better, but then starts to fall and has to catch himself. She helps him inside. He sits, and they do a good job of conveying some sexual tension at being so near to each other. She gives him a container of fresh blood. He asks after Scott, and since this recap is out of order, I have no idea who he's talking about at first. Neither does Buffy, which isn't doing anything to change my mind about Scott's sexual orientation. She finally remembers to whom he's referring, and hems and haws, but says he's fine. Angel asks if she's being careful. Buffy's first thought is that he's talking about Scott, and thinks, "Wow, is that the non-issue of the century." He clarifies that he's referring to the slaying, and she assures him that she is in fact being careful. He earnestly says that he worries about her. She returns the sentiment. He says he's getting stronger, and she notes that soon he won't need her. Angel: "That'll be better." Angel, you might want to put your shirt back on, because that was cold.

Buffy returns home to find Joyce waiting for her. Buffy babbles that Giles kept her, until he slowly emerges from the dining room. Buffy, call Johnnie Cochran, because you are busted. She's surprisingly flippant about it, though. Joyce, who I now notice is holding a candy bar, says that what she did was wrong and unfair to them. She hands the candy bar to Giles. Hmm. They march into the living room, and Joyce asks if Buffy was at the Bronze. Buffy is happy to run with that lie. Joyce, who's acting just a bit off, says that Buffy's behaving like a child. Buffy points out that they're treating her like a child, and that she wants to be able to make a few decisions on her own. Joyce, chomping away, says that the last decision Buffy made was to leave, but Buffy counters that she took care of herself during her time away. I'd point out to the writers that if Buffy could support herself at age seventeen, lines like "my hat has a cow" don't really ring true three and a half years later. Joyce says that Buffy can't use the summer as a reason she should be trusted, a sentiment I don't completely agree with. Although the fact that Buffy's totally lying about where she was does weaken her argument, I must admit. Giles tells them not to freak out. Buffy and me: "Freak out?" Giles suggests that Buffy go to bed, which she huffily does. The two adults take a seat on the couch. They talk, but now Giles seems a bit off as well, as his accent starts to slip to a slightly rougher one. They chow down on more candy.

Random candy factory. Some old dude surreptitiously tries to take a candy bar. That is, as surreptitiously as one can while being in close proximity to dozens of people. A voice cuts in, "Trust me" -- we see the speaker is Ethan Rayne (woo hoo!) -- "you don't want to eat that."

Dawson's Creek. Dawson punches Jack. Pure Shakespeare.

Science lab. Buffy and Cordy sit together, as do Willow and Xander. That seating arrangement seems a bit contrived. Cordy says that there's a secret rule that if the teacher doesn't show up after ten minutes, the students are allowed to leave. I don't know if that was actually true at my high school, but the students certainly believed it was. Buffy says that Giles is running study hall, and that he's "allergic to late." Cordy says that she had a philosophy book that was a year overdue, and Giles made her pay the huge fine. That's a scene I would have liked to see. She goes on that the book was perfect for starting conversations with college boys, but that that was of course "BX." Buffy realizes that that stands for "Before Xander." Aw. Although I wonder what initials she associated with him after they broke up. Speaking of the cuckolding couple, he's chomping on a candy bar as they discuss how quickly they were able to sell the candy. As they do, The Guitar Of Infidelity starts twanging on my nerves, and they play a little footsie, which, although they're in the back row, could easily be caught by just about anyone were they to glance back. Willow and Xander do have the same sneakers in different colors, though, which is cute. Cordy turns around, complaining that she's bored, and Xander almost falls off his chair pulling his foot away from Willow's. Real smooth, Don Juatever.

Snyder tells an aged female teacher that "the big pinhead librarian didn't show up." He says he doesn't want to cover for him, and orders her to do it. She assents, and as she leaves, he whines how people expect him to do everything, and that it's not fair. Methinks something is rotten in the state of Lilliput. The teacher, Miss Barton, enters the classroom and gets the students' attention. She tells them to pretend to read until they're sure that Snyder is gone, and then they'll all leave. Xander: "Does anyone else want to marry Miss Barton?" Cordy: "Get in line." Heh. Buffy and Willow are perturbed that Giles didn't show up.

Giles's apartment. Buffy enters without knocking (what is it with people on this show?) to find Giles looking at an old album cover. He notices her, and greets her through a mouthful of candy. She says she was worried. As she looks to her left, the camera pans over to reveal Joyce sitting on the couch, also chewing on candy. Buffy wonders what's going on, but Giles informs her that he and Joyce had an opportunity for a "summit meeting," which took priority over study hall. Joyce says that Buffy was right about them overscheduling her, and that they're working on a solution. She suggests that Buffy give them some more time, and hands over her car keys. If this isn't a clear sign that something is off, I don't know what is. The seventeen-year-old in me says, "Shut up, you crusty old geezer. She's got wheels." I mutter something about "young whippersnappers" and "not how they did things in my day" before getting back to the recap. Buffy leaves in a cartoon cloud of dust. Joyce makes a "whew" face and asks Giles if he thinks she noticed anything. Giles, turning around to reveal that he's just lit a cigarette, says, "No way!" Joyce picks up a bottle of booze. Giles inhales his cigarette and gives the camera a look so sexy that I go running to light one as well.

By Couch Baron

Factory. Trick and Rayne crow about how well the plan is going. Trick accuses a worker of sampling the product, and snaps his neck. Ethan grimaces, and asks Trick how he knew. Trick, offhandedly: "I don't. Now I know no one else will." Thanks be to you, Season Three, for villains that were actually menacing. Trick tells Ethan to keep up the good work, and leaves. Ethan looks a little nonplussed.

Bronze. Oz has joined Buffy and Willow. Oz: "Teenagers. It's a sobering mirror to look into, huh?" Snyder walks up and stares at him. "You've got great hair." He circles him, and Oz uncomfortably reaches for his hair. Hee. Onstage, it appears the the doctor survived his face-plant, as he's leading a couple other men in a stirring a cappella rendition of "Louie, Louie." Elsewhere, a fight threatens to break out, and the kids resolve to find out what's going on with the adults. They leave, and Snyder tags along. They pile into the Jeep, and decide to check out Giles's place. Snyder gets in as well. Oz tries to kick him out, but Buffy says there's no time, and takes off. Snyder insults her driving, calling her "Summers" again. Heh.

On some random road, a couple of men, candy in hand, pull out their dicks -- er, "rev their engines." They take off for a drag race. In a park, adults frolic and play Frisbee. A mailman reads other people's mail. In the Jeep, Willow is nervous again in the front seat, and I don't know why she didn't insist that Oz drive. Oz thinks that Giles was probably pretty together as a teenager, so even if he ate the candy, he should be okay. However, Willow and Buffy, who were there for "The Dark Age," quickly disabuse him of that notion. Oz: "Well then, I guess your mom's in a lot of trouble."

Giles and Joyce stroll down the main drag, arms around each other. Giles is only in a white t-shirt now, a pack of cigarettes rolled into one sleeve. Excuse me a minute. Okay, I'm back. Joyce is babbling. Blah blah blah just-waking-up-from-a-dream-cakes. She stops to admire a jacket in a store window, which she describes as "very Juice Newton." I giggle as I picture Joyce singing "Queen Of Hearts." Giles swings a garbage can into the window, breaking it as the alarm goes off. He grabs the jacket, which is more of a shawl, and a Clockwork Orange-type hat as Joyce giggles like a schoolgirl. They hear a gun click, and a policeman yells, "Hold it!"

Jeep. Buffy approaches an intersection, as does a man whose eyes are on his candy rather than the road. Willow sees him, but it's too late, and he plows into them.

By Couch Baron

The Ironic Segue Fairy is doing shots at a hopping Bronze. Dingoes is playing, but we see that the crowd is almost all adults. Buffy and Willow enter, and quickly get very very wigged. They run into Miss Barton, and ask if she's okay. She says she's "cool," and starts cracking up as she realizes that "Willow" is a tree. "Are there any nachos in here, little tree?" I think Val Kilmer said that in The Doors. Miss Barton leaves, but Snyder comes up and puts his arms around the two of them, and the wig factor increases tenfold. He tells them to call him Snyder, "just a last name like 'Barbarino.'" Welllllcome back! He says he thinks Miss Barton is wasted, and leaves. Willow worries that the adults could have heart attacks, and Buffy stutters that maybe there's a doctor there. On stage, some old dude with no shirt on pushes his way past Devon and yells happily. Willow says that he's her doctor. He does a stage dive right onto the floor. Hee. Buffy and Willow try to figure out what's going on. Buffy: "They're acting like a bunch of us." I might point out that no one, with the exception of Faith and possibly Cordelia, has ever acted this fun on the show. Confirming that analysis, Willow says, "I don't act like this." Hee.

Library. Cordy is telling Willow that her parents acting like teenagers was fun at first, but then her mom started trying on her clothes. "There should be an age limit on Lycra pants." Word. Xander: Clunky line. Willow takes a book from him, and the contact of their thumbs is enough to start up The Guitar Of Infidelity. Good God, just do it already and give my ears a rest. Cordy asks her if she wants to swap, and Willow is understandably startled, because if she's anything like me, she's only heard that word in reference to the events of The Ice Storm. Turns out Cordy was talking about the research books. Thanks for that guitar-shaped anvil.

Factory. Buffy and Giles give Ethan chase. Finally, Ethan seems to have lost them. Giles is out of breath, and Buffy chides him for smoking, because even in an episode busy with adults acting like teenagers and having public, possibly unprotected sex, there's always time to remind us that smoking is evil. Buffy tells Giles to be quiet, as she hones the super-hearing we saw demonstrated earlier. She spins and kicks through a wooden crate, finds Ethan inside, and beats me to the punchline: "Look. A box full of farm-fresh chicken." Hee.

Snyder and Joyce sit and wait and eat candy. One of my favorite throwaway moments ensues. Snyder, trying to sound casual: "So are you two kind of, like, um, going steady?" Joyce manages to roll her entire body along with her eyes, and walks away. Ha!

Buffy asks Ethan what's going on, and informs him he's in a "talk or bleed situation." Giles tells her to hit him. Ethan explains that Trick hired him to provide cover while Trick and his goons collect a tribute for a demon. Giles hilariously keeps acting up. Buffy asks which demon, but Ethan says he doesn't remember. Pop! Buffy hits him, and Giles jumps up and punches the air in glee. Hee. Ethan revises that the demon's name is Lerconis. He goes on that the tribute is something so big that people would never consciously let them take it. Buffy asks where Trick is, but Ethan really doesn't know the answer to that one. Buffy says it's time for the bonus question, and that a wrong answer will cost him "all his points." Giles grins goofily. I notice, only now, that Giles is wearing a hoop through his left earlobe. Mrow. Buffy: "What's the tribute?"

We get an answer to that question as some vamps enter a hospital and steal some babies out of the nursery. Oh, please.

Buffy, on the phone, tells Willow what she's learned. She says she doesn't know what the tribute is, since her source is "all tapped out." Snyder laughs that Buffy kicked Ethan's ass (although he doesn't look any worse off to me at all) and says he took tae kwon do at the Y. He throws some shadow kicks and punches that actually aren't half bad, but ends in a pose with a goonily hysterical expression. I must say that the adult actors really seemed to have a good time with this episode. I'd also like to point out how much stronger this show was when it had solid tertiary adult characters. Joyce gives a much more subdued eye-roll, and blows a bubble. Ethan notices a crowbar on the desk in front of him, and picks it up and stealths toward Buffy, whose back is turned. Giles comes out of nowhere and presses the gun to Ethan's neck, and Buffy smacks Ethan to the floor. For some reason, I just find it disproportionately funny every time Ethan gets hit. It's sort of like how Krusty explained the pie-in-the-face gag to Cecil on The Simpsons: "It's only funny if the sap's got dignity!" Buffy takes the gun from Giles and gets the phone back from Joyce. Willow and Oz have discovered the exact details of the tribute, saying it's a ritual feeding that happens every thirty years. Buffy says they have to go, but Joyce asks about Ethan. Buffy says they'll need something with which to tie him up. Joyce makes Buffy's trip to Therapyville a permanent stay as she slyly produces a pair of handcuffs. Ha!

Hospital. Buffy, Giles, Joyce, and Snyder have discovered the empty cribs. Joyce is especially upset. Giles has finished asking a female orderly what happened. "She says she never saw who took them. Lousy cow." Hee. Buffy, somewhat defeatedly, says they don't know where to find Lerconis, but Giles remembers a passage about him, saying he dwells under the city. I'm not sure if the curse is wearing off since Giles hasn't had any candy for a while, but he manages to recall that Lerconis means "glutton," and that they'll find him in the sewers. Snyder says he's not going, and Giles get in his face. Buffy tells them all to stop, as she needs adult help to save the babies. "Besides which, you guys are just wigging me out." She sends Snyder home, orders Giles and Joyce to stop canoodling, and stalks out. She's such a mom.

Sewers. Vampires chanting, anointing, blah blah blah. There are five babies. That's what they paralyzed an entire town for? And that's all the babies this demon eats in thirty years? This subplot is beyond lame, but it leaves me free to enjoy the fun parts of the episode, so I'm not really complaining. The Mayor, on a cell phone, tells someone his concerns about the condition of the sewers. Heh. Buffy drops down through a manhole, and sunnily greets the vamps. The Mayor, whom Buffy didn't see, quickly withdraws. Buffy fights the vamps as Giles and Joyce, who are on the scene now as well, move the babies away. I'm surprised that Buffy brought Joyce, but she probably thought she'd be safer under her watchful eye than wandering the streets of Sunnydale alone, which she probably would have ended up doing in her mental state. Buffy dusts two vamps and kicks a third into a water-filled concrete pool, which is adjacent to a large aperture. A loud rumbling starts as the vamp struggles to climb out of the water. A large green serpent-like demon pokes its head out of the aperture and eats the vamp, then withdraws. It wasn't as fake looking as Fake The Snake, but it's not winning any special-effects Emmys, either. Trick tells Buffy that normally he lets other people do his fighting, but "I just got to see what you got." Buffy: "Just tell me when it hurts." They move toward each other, but Giles steps in and punches Trick, who throws him into the water. I feel incredibly gypped not getting to see Buffy and Trick fight. Trick bails as the rumbling starts again. Buffy desperately looks around, and, thinking quickly, rips open a gas line. As Lerconis reappears, she ignites the gas line with one of the many torches that have been lit for the ritual feeding, and sets him ablaze. Screaming, he retreats. From above, Trick yells through the open manhole, "You and me, girl! There's high times ahead." He disappears. Buffy grouses to herself: "They never just leave. Always gotta say somethin'." Heh. Joyce asks if they can go home. Buffy says yes, and mopes that she has the SATs the day. Here's an antonym for the score you end up getting, Buffy: "Believable."

By Couch Baron

We get an answer to that question as some vamps enter a hospital and steal some babies out of the nursery. Oh, please.

By Couch Baron

City Hall. The Mayor, not very happily, asks what Trick did about Ethan, but Trick says he paid him, rightly noting that Ethan got the job done. The Mayor says that this wasn't his plan. Trick tries to spin it that he did him a favor, as there's one less demon to pay tribute to. We don't know, of course, what the Mayor was getting in return, so that argument seems specious at best. The Mayor chuckles, "I guess you did!" He leans in close. "In the future, I'd be very careful how many favors you do for me." Let's just say that it's a good thing vampires don't perform certain bodily functions, because from the look on Trick's face, we might have had a very messy situation there.

School. In the hallway, Snyder walks up to the teenage Scoobs sans Buffy. Xander gives him some lip, and Snyder makes it very clear that the effects of the candy have worn off. He orders them to repaint a row of lockers that have "KISS ROCKS" spray-painted on them. Willow wonders why anyone would want to kiss rocks, but then her brain catches up with her mouth. That cluelessness was much funnier about both the Cibo Matto clog dance in "When She Was Bad" and the chair shortage in "Becoming Part One," so I'm not really laughing.

Outside. Buffy is recounting what we are meant to think are her thoughts on the adults behaving like children. Only, since we've watched TV before, we know that she's actually talking about the SAT. Her description of how she felt during the exam is not very confidence-inspiring. At the bottom of the stairs, they meet Joyce. She and Giles act extremely awkwardly, but Buffy doesn't notice. "At least I got to the two of you before you actually did something." She gets into the car. Giles and Joyce hastily turn away from each other. Ha! Jane Espenson, an impressive debut.