Killed

We fade up on a stone wall. Buffy struggles to get over it, and from her exaggerated Outbreak-style breathing and coughing, it's safe to conclude that she's gotten hold of some sort of bug. Maybe Cordy chased her with a box of Ebola virus. She draws a stake, and starts walking through a graveyard while continuing to sniffle. We hear a noise, and she raises the stake as she darts around the corner of a mausoleum. However, it's only Xander, accompanied by Willow and Cordy. Xander's wigged by the near staking. "My whole life just flashed before my eyes!" Beat. "I gotta get me a life!" Ladies and gentlemen, Xander Harris. Let's all give him a hand -- he needs all the self-esteem we can spare. Buffy wants to know what they're doing there, but Willow turns the question around, expositing that Buffy's sick, like, thanks Willow, but the lung she just coughed up kind of clued us in. Cordy adds that half the school is out with the flu. Hmm. They have a word for that sort of thing. Oh yes -- it's "epidemic." However, none of the rest of the cast has it, which is convenient, as otherwise we'd have to divert some of our attention from Buffy. Hey, I don't mean that in a snarky way -- this isn't Season Seven. Cordy continues, "We're all concerned about how gross you look." Hee. Buffy counters that she can't let anyone else get killed, and Xander is perceptive enough to realize that she's worried about Angelus. After "Passion," I'd think they all would be. She says that as long as she's the Slayer, Angelus won't kill anyone else. Angelus's voice cuts in, "Aw, c'mon" -- we see him in vamp face -- "just one more!" He tackles Willow. Buffy pulls him off. She briefly gets the better of him, but he recovers and starts kicking her ass. He gloats that things aren't looking good for the Slayer, and from what I've seen lately on Angel, Angelus really needs to shut up and get the job done more often. Anyway, Willow throws a jacket over his head, and Xander punches and kicks him off Buffy. Xander, Willow, and Cordy each hold out a cross, forming a wall, and tell Angelus to get lost, which he does. Sure, Buffy doesn't ever need her friends to do her job. She manages to get to her feet, but almost immediately collapses. Ruh roh. Credits.

We waste no time as the kids burst into the hospital's emergency room, Xander carrying Buffy. Some hospital people load Buffy onto a gurney, and as they wheel her along, they announce that she's got a high fever and possible fractures. The kids follow until they're told they can't go any further. Willow and Cordy go to call Giles and Joyce, respectively, as Xander looks on very concernedly. Not a snarky situation, I'm afraid. Although later in the series, I'm surprised that the staff didn't know Buffy by sight. How many times has she been in the hospital? Between her and her mom, I bet they wished they lived in a country that had socialized medicine, eh?

The kids sit around soberly. Giles is already there. Joyce arrives in a bit of a panic, but the doctor immediately comes out and assures her that Buffy's going to be okay, like that would ever happen that quickly. Later, the gang crowds around Buffy as she gets wheeled out of Trauma. Buffy deliriously says she wants to go home, but when she hears that she'll have to stay a few days, she starts freaking out and yells that she has to kill the vampires. The doctor injects her with a sedative. I know I'm harping on this point, but despite the fact that they linger on the subject of vampires for a good long while here, there's no reaction from Joyce that would lead you to believe that the retcon from "Normal Again" makes any kind of sense. Buffy begs her mom to take her home, but Joyce says that everything will be okay, and she's wheeled into her room. Everyone somberly convenes at her door. Xander notes how scared Buffy was, and Joyce explains that when she was eight, Buffy was alone in a hospital with her cousin Celia, with whom she was very close, and Celia died. Um, Joyce, can you give me something to work with here? Sick teenagers and dead kids do not a funny recap make. Unless they're demonspretendingto be dead kids. Joyce notes that Buffy appears to have fallen asleep, and says she's going to call Buffy's father. And he didn't drive there immediately because? Oh, yes, the Joss Bad Dad Syndrome. It's more virulent than this flu. Giles accompanies Joyce, and she tells him how much she appreciates him and the Scoobs looking after Buffy. She then says she hopes she's not out of line, but she wanted to express how sorry she was to hear about Miss Calendar. That's very nice of her, but still, I'm not getting any assistance with the funny here. The haunted look that passes over Giles's face isn't helping either, although it is a testament to ASH's acting prowess. Joyce goes on that Buffy has been "so down" since it happened, and theorizes that that's the reason Buffy's caught this bug, since she never gets sick. She apologizes for babbling, but offers, "If you need anything" Giles manages to thank her, and leaves. Poor dear. It's not pretty when an Englishman's emotional walls collapse. Believe me, I know.

Back in front of Buffy's room, Xander asks semi-rhetorically if Buffy will be okay in the hospital. Cordy says that a friend of hers got a botched nose job there. Heh. I can't help thinking of the Absolutely Fabulous episode "Hospital," where Patsy gets the face-lift from hell. Not quite Jocelyn Wildenstein-level, but still a fine reason not to get plastic surgery. Nevertheless, Cordy opines that maybe Buffy could get "that thing" on her face fixed. As always, it amuses me when Cordy snarks on Buffy's looks, since I think there's absolutely nothing wrong with them. Willow and Xander worry whether Angel will attack Buffy, as the hospital is a public building. Cordy: "Am I the only one that's noticed that thing?" Hee.

Later, again. They've had a lot of scene cuts for being in the same place the whole time, I'm noticing. The digital clock to Buffy ticks 2:27. That's my mom's birthday. Shout-out? Actually, I don't know why I'm even mentioning that, since she doesn't read these recaps. And that's probably best for all concerned. A sweaty Buffy regains consciousness to find a little boy standing in her now-open doorway. That's never a good sign. He walks away, and is immediately pursued by a creature that's so obviously a Freddy Krueger rip-off that I won't hear arguments to the contrary, should they even exist. We learn later that its name is the Kindestod, but I'm just going to call it the far more fitting "Kruegerstod." Buffy's eyes go wide. She manages to get out of bed. Walking down the darkened hallway, she has a flashback to a much brighter corridor. We see what's presumably her eight-year-old self walking. The music they're playing is on the chapter menu of my DVD, and it's an excellent choice, as it's very creepy. She enters a brightly lit room, and approaches a white curtain. Yeesh.

Back in bed, Buffy wakes up again. The clock ticks 2:27 again, which I don't understand. Did she see the Kruegerstod while having a prophetic dream? If so, why did she need the fever? Anyway, she gets up again. We get the same shot of her walking down the dark hallway. She looks into a couple of rooms, wherein nothing fun is going on. As she continues, we see a nondescript man watching her from the shadows. Farther down, an orderly mutters about hating to lose the young ones, like, thanks, world-weary guy -- I'm sure losing anyone older is like Mardi Gras. She hears voices inside the room from which the dead kid was wheeled. Peeking in, she sees her doctor from earlier telling an older doctor, whom I last saw as George Costanza's Yankee boss on Seinfeld, that they need to "step back on the dosage." George Costanza's boss isn't having it, as the kids aren't responding to the normal treatment, and that an experimental course involving raising their temperature is the only way. Turning away, Buffy sees the boy from her dream and a little girl. Little Boy: "He comes at night. The grown-ups don't see him." Great, the Hellmouth's answer to Snuffleupagus. The boy continues that "he" was with the dead girl, and that he'll be back for them. Buffy asks who he means. "Death." Oh. Can't we have a unicorn or leprechaun or something equally ridiculous come prancing along right about now? I can't spin snark out of dead kids, people.

As The Longest Night Ever Recapped continues, Xander sits by a door when Angelus walks in holding some flowers. Xander blocks his path, but Angelus asks if he thinks he could stop him from getting into Buffy's room. They're seriously standing close enough to kiss. Back up a bit, manly men. Xander says that maybe he can't, and maybe the security guards, cops, and orderlies can't either, but he's willing to find out. Angelus leans even closer and breathes, "Buffy's white knight. You still love her. It must just eat you up that I got there first." Improbably, Xander sells this comeback: "You're gonna die. And I'm gonna be there." Angelus comes even closer with a move that I honestly thought was going to end in a lip-lock. Watch it again if you don't believe me. He menaces to tell Buffy he stopped by, and leaves with a smoldering look. Xander runs to the bathroom to relieve certain bodily functions he was suppressing during that conversation.

White-filtered flashback. A girl, presumably Celia, calls for help from under some cushions, saying there's been an avalanche. Buffy, wearing a blanket for a cape, comes running in, saying, "Powergirl to the rescue!" and I hope I can call on her time I'm up to my neck in anvils. I think I may need her soon, considering I'm going to be recapping Hill's monologues. Mini-Buffy pulls the pillows off Celia, and they embrace. Aw. Cut back to the flashback hospital, as Mini-Buffy approaches the curtain, creepy music at full volume. She opens it, and enters to find Celia's sleeping form. Back to the present, as Buffy jolts awake. Her doctor wishes her good morning, and tells her the fever's gone down. Buffy, sounding much better, is all, "Great! Bye!" The doctor, while amazed at Buffy's recuperative powers, demurs, saying that they have to be sure the fever's completely gone. Buffy asks if she's got the same bug as the kids do. The doctor looks guiltier than JonBenet Ramsey's parents. Hey, you try making dead-kid jokes. Anyway, the appearance of the Scoobs lets the doctor off the hook. Xander gives Buffy balloons. Xander, you're supposed to give her something she wants. Willow gives Buffy her homework, and Buffy comments that chocolate would be a better gift, until Willow reveals that she did all Buffy's assignments. Buffy: "Chocolate means nothing to me." Hee. I wonder if I can get rid of a few recaps by contracting a high fever. Although, from what I've seen from Ace and AB Chao, recapping while on drugs leads to hilarity, so maybe I'll give that a try. It would certainly help with this recap. Codeine + dead kids = laughs aplenty. Or not. Returning from Tangentland, everyone peers over at Cordy, who, with a look of death at Xander, sniffs that she was "out of the loop" on gifts. Giles: "It's traditional amongpeople." Hee. Giles, chewing away, gives Buffy a bag of grapes. Mmm, grapes. Andnever mind. Buffy starts to mention the events of the night, but the appearance of an orderly prompts her to propose a walk.