A Hellmouth On Elm Street

S02E18

We fade up on a stone wall. Buffy struggles to get over it, and from her exaggerated Outbreak-style breathing and coughing, it's safe to conclude that she's gotten hold of some sort of bug. Maybe Cordy chased her with a box of Ebola virus. She draws a stake, and starts walking through a graveyard while continuing to sniffle. We hear a noise, and she raises the stake as she darts around the corner of a mausoleum. However, it's only Xander, accompanied by Willow and Cordy. Xander's wigged by the near staking. "My whole life just flashed before my eyes!" Beat. "I gotta get me a life!" Ladies and gentlemen, Xander Harris. Let's all give him a hand -- he needs all the self-esteem we can spare. Buffy wants to know what they're doing there, but Willow turns the question around, expositing that Buffy's sick, like, thanks Willow, but the lung she just coughed up kind of clued us in. Cordy adds that half the school is out with the flu. Hmm. They have a word for that sort of thing. Oh yes -- it's "epidemic." However, none of the rest of the cast has it, which is convenient, as otherwise we'd have to divert some of our attention from Buffy. Hey, I don't mean that in a snarky way -- this isn't Season Seven. Cordy continues, "We're all concerned about how gross you look." Hee. Buffy counters that she can't let anyone else get killed, and Xander is perceptive enough to realize that she's worried about Angelus. After "Passion," I'd think they all would be. She says that as long as she's the Slayer, Angelus won't kill anyone else. Angelus's voice cuts in, "Aw, c'mon" -- we see him in vamp face -- "just one more!" He tackles Willow. Buffy pulls him off. She briefly gets the better of him, but he recovers and starts kicking her ass. He gloats that things aren't looking good for the Slayer, and from what I've seen lately on Angel, Angelus really needs to shut up and get the job done more often. Anyway, Willow throws a jacket over his head, and Xander punches and kicks him off Buffy. Xander, Willow, and Cordy each hold out a cross, forming a wall, and tell Angelus to get lost, which he does. Sure, Buffy doesn't ever need her friends to do her job. She manages to get to her feet, but almost immediately collapses. Ruh roh. Credits.

We waste no time as the kids burst into the hospital's emergency room, Xander carrying Buffy. Some hospital people load Buffy onto a gurney, and as they wheel her along, they announce that she's got a high fever and possible fractures. The kids follow until they're told they can't go any further. Willow and Cordy go to call Giles and Joyce, respectively, as Xander looks on very concernedly. Not a snarky situation, I'm afraid. Although later in the series, I'm surprised that the staff didn't know Buffy by sight. How many times has she been in the hospital? Between her and her mom, I bet they wished they lived in a country that had socialized medicine, eh?

The kids sit around soberly. Giles is already there. Joyce arrives in a bit of a panic, but the doctor immediately comes out and assures her that Buffy's going to be okay, like that would ever happen that quickly. Later, the gang crowds around Buffy as she gets wheeled out of Trauma. Buffy deliriously says she wants to go home, but when she hears that she'll have to stay a few days, she starts freaking out and yells that she has to kill the vampires. The doctor injects her with a sedative. I know I'm harping on this point, but despite the fact that they linger on the subject of vampires for a good long while here, there's no reaction from Joyce that would lead you to believe that the retcon from "Normal Again" makes any kind of sense. Buffy begs her mom to take her home, but Joyce says that everything will be okay, and she's wheeled into her room. Everyone somberly convenes at her door. Xander notes how scared Buffy was, and Joyce explains that when she was eight, Buffy was alone in a hospital with her cousin Celia, with whom she was very close, and Celia died. Um, Joyce, can you give me something to work with here? Sick teenagers and dead kids do not a funny recap make. Unless they're demons pretending to be dead kids. Joyce notes that Buffy appears to have fallen asleep, and says she's going to call Buffy's father. And he didn't drive there immediately because...? Oh, yes, the Joss Bad Dad Syndrome. It's more virulent than this flu. Giles accompanies Joyce, and she tells him how much she appreciates him and the Scoobs looking after Buffy. She then says she hopes she's not out of line, but she wanted to express how sorry she was to hear about Miss Calendar. That's very nice of her, but still, I'm not getting any assistance with the funny here. The haunted look that passes over Giles's face isn't helping either, although it is a testament to ASH's acting prowess. Joyce goes on that Buffy has been "so down" since it happened, and theorizes that that's the reason Buffy's caught this bug, since she never gets sick. She apologizes for babbling, but offers, "If you need anything..." Giles manages to thank her, and leaves. Poor dear. It's not pretty when an Englishman's emotional walls collapse. Believe me, I know.

Back in front of Buffy's room, Xander asks semi-rhetorically if Buffy will be okay in the hospital. Cordy says that a friend of hers got a botched nose job there. Heh. I can't help thinking of the Absolutely Fabulous episode "Hospital," where Patsy gets the face-lift from hell. Not quite Jocelyn Wildenstein-level, but still a fine reason not to get plastic surgery. Nevertheless, Cordy opines that maybe Buffy could get "that thing" on her face fixed. As always, it amuses me when Cordy snarks on Buffy's looks, since I think there's absolutely nothing wrong with them. Willow and Xander worry whether Angel will attack Buffy, as the hospital is a public building. Cordy: "Am I the only one that's noticed that thing?" Hee.

By Couch Baron

Later, again. They've had a lot of scene cuts for being in the same place the whole time, I'm noticing. The digital clock to Buffy ticks 2:27. That's my mom's birthday. Shout-out? Actually, I don't know why I'm even mentioning that, since she doesn't read these recaps. And that's probably best for all concerned. A sweaty Buffy regains consciousness to find a little boy standing in her now-open doorway. That's never a good sign. He walks away, and is immediately pursued by a creature that's so obviously a Freddy Krueger rip-off that I won't hear arguments to the contrary, should they even exist. We learn later that its name is the Kindestod, but I'm just going to call it the far more fitting "Kruegerstod." Buffy's eyes go wide. She manages to get out of bed. Walking down the darkened hallway, she has a flashback to a much brighter corridor. We see what's presumably her eight-year-old self walking. The music they're playing is on the chapter menu of my DVD, and it's an excellent choice, as it's very creepy. She enters a brightly lit room, and approaches a white curtain. Yeesh.

Back in bed, Buffy wakes up again. The clock ticks 2:27 again, which I don't understand. Did she see the Kruegerstod while having a prophetic dream? If so, why did she need the fever? Anyway, she gets up again. We get the same shot of her walking down the dark hallway. She looks into a couple of rooms, wherein nothing fun is going on. As she continues, we see a nondescript man watching her from the shadows. Farther down, an orderly mutters about hating to lose the young ones, like, thanks, world-weary guy -- I'm sure losing anyone older is like Mardi Gras. She hears voices inside the room from which the dead kid was wheeled. Peeking in, she sees her doctor from earlier telling an older doctor, whom I last saw as George Costanza's Yankee boss on Seinfeld, that they need to "step back on the dosage." George Costanza's boss isn't having it, as the kids aren't responding to the normal treatment, and that an experimental course involving raising their temperature is the only way. Turning away, Buffy sees the boy from her dream and a little girl. Little Boy: "He comes at night. The grown-ups don't see him." Great, the Hellmouth's answer to Snuffleupagus. The boy continues that "he" was with the dead girl, and that he'll be back for them. Buffy asks who he means. "Death." Oh. Can't we have a unicorn or leprechaun or something equally ridiculous come prancing along right about now? I can't spin snark out of dead kids, people.

As The Longest Night Ever Recapped continues, Xander sits by a door when Angelus walks in holding some flowers. Xander blocks his path, but Angelus asks if he thinks he could stop him from getting into Buffy's room. They're seriously standing close enough to kiss. Back up a bit, manly men. Xander says that maybe he can't, and maybe the security guards, cops, and orderlies can't either, but he's willing to find out. Angelus leans even closer and breathes, "Buffy's white knight. You still love her. It must just eat you up that I got there first." Improbably, Xander sells this comeback: "You're gonna die. And I'm gonna be there." Angelus comes even closer with a move that I honestly thought was going to end in a lip-lock. Watch it again if you don't believe me. He menaces to tell Buffy he stopped by, and leaves with a smoldering look. Xander runs to the bathroom to relieve certain bodily functions he was suppressing during that conversation.

White-filtered flashback. A girl, presumably Celia, calls for help from under some cushions, saying there's been an avalanche. Buffy, wearing a blanket for a cape, comes running in, saying, "Powergirl to the rescue!" and I hope I can call on her time I'm up to my neck in anvils. I think I may need her soon, considering I'm going to be recapping Hill's monologues. Mini-Buffy pulls the pillows off Celia, and they embrace. Aw. Cut back to the flashback hospital, as Mini-Buffy approaches the curtain, creepy music at full volume. She opens it, and enters to find Celia's sleeping form. Back to the present, as Buffy jolts awake. Her doctor wishes her good morning, and tells her the fever's gone down. Buffy, sounding much better, is all, "Great! Bye!" The doctor, while amazed at Buffy's recuperative powers, demurs, saying that they have to be sure the fever's completely gone. Buffy asks if she's got the same bug as the kids do. The doctor looks guiltier than JonBenet Ramsey's parents. Hey, you try making dead-kid jokes. Anyway, the appearance of the Scoobs lets the doctor off the hook. Xander gives Buffy balloons. Xander, you're supposed to give her something she wants. Willow gives Buffy her homework, and Buffy comments that chocolate would be a better gift, until Willow reveals that she did all Buffy's assignments. Buffy: "Chocolate means nothing to me." Hee. I wonder if I can get rid of a few recaps by contracting a high fever. Although, from what I've seen from Ace and AB Chao, recapping while on drugs leads to hilarity, so maybe I'll give that a try. It would certainly help with this recap. Codeine + dead kids = laughs aplenty. Or not. Returning from Tangentland, everyone peers over at Cordy, who, with a look of death at Xander, sniffs that she was "out of the loop" on gifts. Giles: "It's traditional among...people." Hee. Giles, chewing away, gives Buffy a bag of grapes. Mmm, grapes. And...never mind. Buffy starts to mention the events of the night, but the appearance of an orderly prompts her to propose a walk.

So to speak, as Willow pushes her along outside. Buffy tells them about the girl dying, "Dr. Backer" and his experimental treatments, and what the little boy, "Ryan," said. It's a good thing this isn't Smallville, because that show is not very kind to little boys named Ryan. Giles starts to pooh-pooh the ravings of a scared little boy, but Buffy says she thought she saw something, too. Willow asks if Death had an hourglass. Xander: "Ooh, if he asks you to play chess, don't even do it. The guy's like a whiz." I must say that Strega's recent definition of "playing chess" produced an extremely unpleasant mental image there. Buffy speculates that it wasn't death. Cordy: "So this isn't about you being afraid of hospitals 'cause your friend died and you want to conjure up a monster that you can fight so you can save everybody and not feel so helpless?" Hee. Everyone's shocked for a beat, possibly because she uttered that sentence without taking a breath; then Giles asks if she's ever heard of tact. The answer? "Tact is just not saying true stuff. I'll pass." Willow admits that Joyce told them about Celia, but Buffy says that has nothing to do with this. Oh, but it does, my dear. Just not the way they think it does. Remember clever and subtle? That was a show called Buffy The Vampire Slayer, not to be confused with the show that's on UPN at eight o'clock on Tuesdays called Buffy The Bitch-Faced Girl Who Never Needs Her Friends, Which Is Actually A Good Thing Because They're All Hollow Shells Of Their Former Selves. No wonder they can't come up with a spin-off. Anyway, Buffy is sure that Ryan was afraid of something real. Xander: "So is this the part where we say, 'What can we do to help?'"

Xander and Cordy stealth into a records room that looks like it's in the basement. Xander says they just need to find out the little girl's cause of death. Cordy bitches about Buffy's illness putting her out, like, I rarely feel the need to say this, but shut up, Cordy. They split up. As Cordy looks around, the guy who was watching Buffy earlier appears out of nowhere and asks Cordy what she's doing. She nervously smiles.

Giles and Willow enter the library. Willow asks Giles what they should do, and gets a tepid answer, which she calls him on. He sighs that while Cordelia may be "homerically insensitive," he's afraid she may have a point about Buffy. He goes on that death and disease are that rare breed that Buffy can't fight, so it's natural for her to create a "defeatable opponent," especially after Miss Calendar's death. Willow acknowledges the logic, but points out that they're still living on the Hellmouth, and the kids may indeed have seen a monster. Giles says he doesn't recall a monster that only kids can see, but then gets an idea that what they're seeing may be the true face of an adult, and this is ground already covered in "Nightmares," so I'm not exactly stunned at his revelation. Although I can see where the true face of an adult could be very scary. Meg Ryan without makeup? Brrrr. Willow suggests that the kids might be afraid of Dr. Backer, and they go to look him up.

By Couch Baron

In the basement, the creepy guy, who's a security guard and also totally seems like a Hey! It's That Guy! ["it's Stanford from Sex & The City" -- Sars], is babbling about his job to a faux-enraptured Cordy. The guy goes on that he took the fireman's exam, but he didn't pass, like, whoa, dude -- slow down before I get the vapors here. Cordy counters that security guards are way sexier than firemen, and I crack myself up just imagining the security-guard equivalent of Backdraft. The protagonist, played by Jim Belushi, would enlist the aid of a wily but crazy old security guard, played by Marlon Brando, to learn that the man who keeps stealing his lunch out of the refrigerator is one of his own. I can't believe that movie hasn't been made yet. The guard is actually way more amusing that I had any right to expect, as he says, "Fear is for the weak. That's my motto. Either that, or 'live in the now.' I haven't decided yet." Cordy deftly turns the subject to the girl who died. The guy blathers that Dr. Backer is a great man, and ominously intones that he understands the real truth about children. Cordy asks what that might be. Amusing Guard: "Sometimes they die." Sigh. I have been upstaged in my quest to make dead children funny by a Hey! It's That Guy! security guard. I feel like I should hang up my snark and resign. We hear a noise, ostensibly made by Xander, and the guard starts in that direction, but Cordy tells him what a "perfect nose" he has, and he turns back to her. Xander darts out the door as Cordy speculates that he works out. He flares his nostrils in response. Hee.

Library. This episode has the most scene cuts of any I've ever recapped. Giles, peering over Willow's shoulder, notes that Dr. Backer has something of a "rap sheet." Aw, he's so cute when he uses jargon! Apparently he's been reprimanded for "controversial experiments," and has also faced a malpractice suit that was suddenly dropped. Sounds a lot like my recapping career. They wonder if they've found their man. And, scene. See what I mean? I feel like I'm watching Short Attention Span Theater.

Hospital. Dr. Backer is going over some numbers, then opens a refrigerator and makes a note on one of several test tubes contained therein. He cross-references something, and appears to have a breakthrough. Scene. Seriously.

Xander sits and waits, struggling not to fall asleep. Cordy arrives, and wordlessly plunks down some coffee and a bag of Krispy Kremes. She certainly knows the way to her man's heart. And if that's not a shout-out to Sep, I don't know what is. Scene. Did the director mainline cocaine before this was shot? I think Graham Norton would have spent more time on each scene.

Dr. Backer emerges from his office and walks toward the camera. As he passes a half-closed door, we see that Buffy is hiding behind it. Dr. Backer enters the sick kiddies' room, goes over to a blonde girl (I think it's a girl; it's hard to get a clear look), and injects something into her IV. He hears a hissing noise behind him, and then starts getting pummeled by an invisible assailant. The kids look on in horror as claw rips appear on his lab coat from which blood starts pouring. A shot of the wall shows a shadow of the Kruegerhand slashing at the doctor. Buffy gets to the door just as Dr. Backer comes flying into the hall. She rushes to his side, but gets knocked away by the invisible Kruegerstod, which drags Dr. Backer away by his hands. Wow. That scene lasted a full minute!

The day, the Scoobs convene in Buffy's room. Giles says the dead girl's records showed that her condition was improving, but then suffered a sharp deterioration. Sounds like what happened to the current season after "Conversations With Dead People." ["Except that the show has thus far unmercifully refused to die." -- Sars] They tell her about Dr. Backer's record, but she disabuses them of the notion that he was the killer by telling them what she witnessed, and hands Ryan's drawing of the Kruegerstod to Giles. Willow asks if she saw it, but Buffy says it's invisible. Giles muses that the kids can see it, and Cordy points out that Buffy saw it the other night, and they're well on their way to figuring out the connection when they're interrupted by Joyce's arrival.

She tells Buffy that the doctor gave her leave to take her home, but Buffy lies that she's not feeling well enough yet, and the others back her up. Joyce says she's going to talk to the doctor, and Cordy shuts the door behind her, like, just because you lack tact doesn't mean you have to lack subtlety as well, dear. Buffy assigns tasks: Giles will research the Kruegerstod, she'll search Backer's office, and Willow will help her decipher whatever it is she finds. Willow says she's good at medical stuff, as she and Xander used to play doctor all the time. Xander uncomfortably smiles, "No, she's being literal. She used to have all these medical volumes and diagnose me with stuff. I didn't have the heart to tell her she was playing it wrong." Willow: "Wrong? Why?" She turns to Buffy. "How did you play doctor?" Buffy shifts uncomfortably. "I...never have!" Cordy tops off this winsome exchange with a disbelieving throat-clear. Ha! Giles breaks up the fun and leaves with Xander and Cordy in tow. Giles says he's off to research the Kruegerstod, and Xander says he's on sentry duty. Giles is all, bye, but Xander says the research takes priority, and Cordy should go with him. Giles: "Why do I have to have...good thinking. I could do with a research assistant." Cordy: "Let's go, Tact Guy." Hee! I love seeing Giles hoisted by his own petard. That sounds naughty, doesn't it? No wonder I associated it with Giles.

Children's ward. Ryan peers out and sees the amusing security guard, then closes the door. Scene. Here we go again. By the way, Ryan's looking pretty good for a kid who's supposed to have had a high fever for days. The last time I had a fever that high, I lost fifteen pounds. Hmm. Maybe I should try that again. Anyone who gets a high fever, cough in my general direction.

Dr. Backer's office. Buffy and Willow enter and close the door. Willow's squicked by poking around a dead guy's things, and notes that he didn't even finish his coffee. She discovers some notes of his, and gives a Whatever Medical Explanation that Dr. Backer's experimental treatment was working, and that he was trying to help the kids. Buffy: "Until that thing stopped him." Scene. Sorry, but if I don't keep typing "scene," this recap will only be two pages long.

Library. Cordy asks Giles what a certain demon does, then another, then another. I'm reminded of Bart and Lisa asking, "Are we there yet?" In response to the same query yet again, Giles snaps, "It asks endless questions of those with whom it's supposed to be working so that nothing is getting done." Cordy: "Boy, there's a demon for everything!" And that's another shout-out. Giles wonders if they're wasting their time, as only a few people could have seen the demon. Cordy says it's not in the book she's looking in, a statement which is of course immediately contradicted when she closes it to reveal the Kruegerstod's visage on the cover. Later, Cordy, on the phone, says, "It's called Der Kindestod." Buffy: "Who is this?" I love doing that to people I know. They get so offended. Especially my sister. Buffy tries to get Cordy to put Giles on. Hee. Cordy snaps that the name means "child death," and that it kills by sucking the life out of kids, but afterward it appears that they died of illness. They realize that the children's ward is an all-you-can-eat deal for the Kruegerstod, and that it killed Backer because he was on his way to curing the kids. Giles comes out with a picture of the Kruegerstod feeding, which prompts Cordy to hand the phone off to Giles after a series of "ew"s.

Giles asks if Buffy's still there. Buffy: "Hanging on every 'ew.'" Heh. Giles explains that the Kruegerstod sits on top of its prey, pinning it, then slowly draws the life out of him or her. Time for another overexposed flashback. Buffy enters Celia's curtain again. This time, however, Celia starts screaming, and holds up her hands. Buffy says she doesn't know what to do, then yells for help. Celia continues to scream, and her cries echo through the empty hallway. Yikes. That's pretty scary, I must admit. But is the only reason the Kruegerstod feeds on sick kids to cover its tracks? That seems like maybe just a touch of overkill for a demon that's, you know, INVISIBLE AND ALL. Giles asks what's wrong, but Willow, observing Buffy's near-catatonia, grabs the phone, thanks Giles, and hangs up. Buffy tells her that this demon killed Celia, and that they have to get it, but she doesn't know how, because the only time she saw it was when she had that fever, and what, no dramatic music to accompany this Moment Of Revelation? The Gods Of Television Clichés are wicked pissed.

Refrigerator-cam. Willow asks Buffy to reconsider, but Buffy, grabbing a test tube, says the only way to she'll be able to see the Kruegerstod is to infect herself with the fever. She moves to chug the contents of the test tube, but Willow cautions her that the contents are pure, and will kill her in an instant. Buffy: "They really should put that on the label." Willow pours some water into a beaker, and adds a few drops of the fever soup. Buffy says she needs it to work faster than that, and Willow reluctantly complies by adding some more. Buffy: "Here's to my health." She drinks it down. Soon after, Willow is helping an out-of-it Buffy down the hall. They reach the children's ward, but the kids are no longer there. Of course they're not -- we're overdue for another scene cut already.

Downstairs, Ryan is leading the kids somewhere. I knew I liked him. There's no way these kids are that sick, though. Back upstairs, Buffy says she's burning up, then tries to focus on the room. She says she thinks the Kruegerstod is inside, and some black smoke coalesces to confirm her speculation. It looks around for the kids, then focuses its white, iris-less eyes on Buffy. It chuckles, then goes out the back door after the kids. The door says "Basement Access," which of course would never be connected to a patient room, especially not one with kids in it, but how can I focus on that in an episode about a white-eyed invisible hobgoblin? Buffy tries the door, but it's locked. She tries to recover her strength, presumably to rip the door handle off, but her doctor appears and asks what's wrong. Willow says Buffy's not feeling well, and the doctor starts to lead her away, but Buffy throws her off and she and Willow run. Willow calls back, "She's sorry!" Heh. The doctor calls for security, and hurries after them. Buffy and Willow round a corner and bump into the amusing security guard and a crony of his. Buffy fixes Willow with a look, and Willow non-telepathically gets the gist as she starts to freak out that there are frogs all over her. Clever, funny, and nice continuity about the frog fear. The guards go to her, and Buffy takes the opportunity to make herself scarce. The doctor arrives, and snaps that it's the other one. Willow stops her spaz. "No more frogs!" Old Willow, Old Willow. The guards take off.

Buffy staggers around a corner, and happens upon Xander. She tells him they need to get to the basement. Scene. The director must have one expensive habit, I'm telling you. Think the last scene of Scarface.

Basement. The Kruegerstod walks along the passage down which Ryan led the kids. Farther along, the kids hide behind some equipment. Ryan tells the others they'll be safe, which is the Kruegerstod's cue to grab him from behind. The kids start screaming, and no one that sick should be able to scream that loud. Buffy and Xander come down the stairs. Xander asks if she knows how to kill the Kruegerstod. Buffy: "I thought I might try violence." See? If she can come up with jokes with a high fever, I should be able to too, right? I really want to try that now. As Buffy and Xander near the action, the Kruegerstod throws Ryan to the ground and kneels down. Two suction-cup-like things extend from its eyes and attach themselves to Ryan's forehead. Cordy, you only said, "Ew," whereas I think this actually deserved an "EWW!" Buffy starts a little fever-fu as Xander gets the kids out. He ducks his head back, and we get a couple of shots from his point of view, with Buffy landing techniques against an invisible opponent. I'll tell you this: a fight with one invisible participant is amusing. A fight where everyone's invisible? Ass. The Kruegerstod throws Buffy to the ground, and kneels down. His suction-eyes extend dramatically, but Buffy unceremoniously reaches up and snaps his neck. That always cracks me up for some reason. Xander approaches and leads Buffy away, asking, "You're not gonna yak on me, are you?" Don't pretend like you wouldn't like that, Xander.

Chez Summers. Joyce brings Buffy a sandwich and juice made just the way she likes them -- or so she thinks. As Buffy whines that she wanted chunky peanut butter and extra jelly, the camera pans over to show that Xander and Willow are there, Xander on the bed with Buffy and Willow in a large wicker chair, wrapped up in a blanket. Aw. Willow orders another drink, and Xander more cheesy chips. Joyce says he ate the last bag, but Xander corrects her that there's another one hidden behind the raisins. Joyce puts on a plastic face as says she's on it. She leaves. Xander: "Your mom's trying to bogart the cheesy chips. What's that all about?" Hee. "Bogart." I love that word. Joyce returns with some mail for Buffy. Buffy says it's from Ryan, and opens it. Joyce smiles that he drew Buffy a picture, but when she sees it's of a smiling blonde girl standing on top of a bloody demon with a broken neck, she manages, "How...nice." Hee. For the last time, scene!

By Couch Baron