Hey, I forgot to mention this in earlier Season Two recaps, but I really like that Giles took over the "In every generation..." speech from the WB announcer guy. Color you shocked.
Fade up on the exterior of Chez Summers. We hear a woman's voice warbling. In Buffy's bedroom, our teen Scoob triad is watching a movie. Buffy and Xander are lying facedown on the bed, while Willow sits at the foot of it. Buffy absently plays with Willow's hair, and Willow intermittently drinks from a juice box. Aw. So cute! Sorry for all the detail, but this is by far the best scene in the episode, so I'm going to drag it out as long as possible. Xander asks if the woman on the screen is dying, but Buffy says she thinks she's singing. Xander points out that she's doing so into a telephone in Hindi, and snarks, "Now that's entertainment." He asks why she's singing. Willow: "She's sad because her lover gave her twelve gold coins, but then the wizard cut open the bag of salt, and now the dancing minions have nowhere to put their big maple...fish thing." Hee. Xander: "Why is she singing?" You said that already. Buffy says she thought the lover was actually her chiropractor. Willow: "Because of that thing he did with her feet? No, that was personal." Yeah, just ask Claire Fisher. Xander exposits that they're home because they have no money, and while I find that entirely realistic, it makes Buffy's subscription to the "Cows ain't for eating, they're for wearing!" club even more glaringly inconsistent. Buffy says that she's very happy just to be hangin' with her buds, and says that there's not much baddie activity in Sunnydale at the moment, cueing an assistant to yell to the Ironic Segue Fairy, "You're on in five seconds!" Buffy then asks, "So how does the water buffalo fit in again?" Hee.
Fade up on a huge lawn in front of a sprawling two-story house. Upstairs, a girl of eighteen or so comes crashing through a window onto a small terrace. She rolls over the edge and drops to the ground. A figure in a brown monk-like robe runs out onto the terrace and sees her, then runs back in. The girl, who looks terrified, starts to flee. Several more robe-clad figures come out of the house and give chase. Creepy chase music plays. The girl runs into some sparse woods, and as the figures continue to pursue her, we can discern that they're male. The girl reaches a stone wall, which she gets over with the aid of some thick low branches. She's now in a graveyard. Despite her best efforts, a few of the robed guys are gaining on her. She desperately continues fleeing until she runs into a smarmy, generically decent-looking frat-boy type. He smirks, "Callie. Where you goin'? The party's just getting started." Maybe she heard a thing or two about your sexual "prowess," asshole. Evil Frat Jerk's cronies drag Callie away. He replaces his hood and follows. I can understand why they chose to reveal this guy's evilness so early, to set up a possible dramatic tension between him and the milquetoast guy in the viewer's mind, but I think it was an error. Maybe it's just that the guy was such an asshole that they thought a mere robe wouldn't cover it, so why bother trying? Anyway, credits.
School courtyard. We hear a fake-laugh-over from Cordy, and then we see her, talking to a girl who looks a bit like Cate Blanchett with a bigger nose and flaming red hair. Turns out the fake laugh was a demonstration. Cordy, holding a magazine, explains that "Dr. Debbie" counsels that when a man is speaking, you should make serious eye contact and really listen. There are so many directions in which I could take that statement that my brain is overloading. I think I'll just skip it. She goes on that you should laugh at everything he says, and gives a laugh that's even faker than the first one. Then she smiles proudly at BigNosedCateBlanchett. Hee. Coming down the outdoor stairs, Buffy has just told Willow that she dreamed about Angel for the "third night in a row." I still found Angel pretty attractive in Season Two, so I won't say anything about bad things coming in threes. Plus, Willow's being very cute as she asks if it was one of those vivid dreams. Buffy says it had "surround sound," and Willow gushes that she and Angel are so right for each other. At Buffy's look, she concedes that his being a vampire isn't a point of compatibility. Buffy whines that she can't have a relationship with Angel, but Willow suggests that she could ask him out for coffee. "It's the non-relationship drink of choice. It's not a date; it's a caffeinated beverage. Okay, sure, it's hot and bitter like a relationship that way, but --" Xander interrupts to ask what's like a relationship, which annoys me, since that speech was so Old Willow. Buffy sighs that "nothing [she has]" is like a relationship, but then slyly murmurs, "Coffee?" to Willow. Willow smiles. She and Buffy walk out of the frame as Xander stops in front of Cordy and BigNosedCateBlanchett for some reason. Cordy's extolling the virtues of college guys. She says there's no comparison to high school guys, and pointing to Xander, snarks to BigNosedCateBlanchett, "Look at that." Actually, Xander looks improbably good in a fluorescent yellow shirt over a gray tee. I think it's the black messenger bag that really rounds out the ensemble. He asks if she's dating college guys now, and she confirms that she's seeing a "Delta Zeta Kappa." Xander attempts some lame snark, but Cordy shuts him down, and he goes to join Buffy and Willow, who are a bit farther down the hall. BigNosedCateBlanchett thinks, "If I get that nose job, will I finally see a speaking part or two?" Buffy realizes that she was supposed to meet Giles in the library ten minutes earlier, but opines that he won't be upset. Assistant: "You're on in three...two...one..."
Giles: "Just because the paranormal is more 'normal' and less 'para-' of late is no excuse for tardiness or letting your guard down." Buffy tries to defend herself, but Giles gives her recent examples of where her training hasn't been up to snuff. He asks if she'll be prepared if a demon "does this?" From behind, he swings at her, but she grabs his arm and twists it behind his back. Giles: "Well, I'm not a demon...which is why you should let go now." Why didn't she ever do that to Wesley? Giles, in a more conciliatory tone, tells her that on the Hellmouth, it's only a matter of time before a "fresh hell" breaks loose. Is that a shout-out to Dorothy Parker, or to our very own Kim? He says that she should be taking this time to hone her skills, but Buffy sarcastically asks if she can do what she wants for even five minutes a day. Giles asks if Buffy doesn't think he knows what it's like to be sixteen. I'm suddenly possessed by the desire to watch "Band Candy." Buffy counters that she doesn't think he knows what it's like to be sixteen, and a girl, and the Slayer. Giles concedes the point. Buffy presses on that she has to stake vampires even though she's having "fuzzy feelings towards one," and while that statement seems a bit "huh?" at first, I can accept that she's going to feel some ambiguity over anything that makes her life weirder.
Giles points out that she can use her duty to block out the distractions in her life. Her coldness in Season Seven makes me realize just how poor an idea that is. The press their respective points a bit more until Giles bites out that everyone has to do things they don't want to, and that she's got training and patrolling, so she'd better do her homework, not dawdle with her friends, and just generally suck things up. This lack of sympathy is a low point for Giles's character for me, although I understand that they're setting him up for a healthy dose of dramatic irony in "The Dark Age." Buffy pouts. Giles says that tactic won't get to him. Buffy cutely pouts some more. Giles: "It's not getting to me." Aw. Even in the worst Giles scenes, they give me something to like.
Outside, Buffy sits on a railing. Xander and Willow join her. Willow asks if she shouldn't be doing her homework. Buffy: "I'm dawdling. With my friends." Take that, ogre Giles! Wait -- I didn't mean that! Can I make it up to you? Uh, sorry. Cordy blows by, bumping into Willow on the way. A black BMW, complete with tinted windows and open sunroof, pulls up, and Cordy goes to it. The driver rolls down the window. It's Frat Jerk. to him is some milquetoast, blandly attractive guy. He's exactly how I would have pictured Aaron Buerge from having read Shack's The Bachelor recaps, except I've seen pictures of Buerge now, but you get the point. Evil Frat Jerk, whose name is Richard, smarms, "Cordelia." Aaron Buerge In My Mind's Eye sees Buffy. From his reaction, it looks like Little Aaron Buerge just snapped to attention. Richard The Evil Frat Jerk says that they're having a "little get-together tomorrow night at the 'house.'" Cordy belly-fake-laughs. Hee. Richard is mildly put off, but Cordy recovers to say that she'd love to go. Richard, apparently having felt the breeze from Little Aaron Buerge's salute, asks Cordy who her friend is. Cordy's all, she's not my friend. Aaron Buerge In My Mind's Eye says Buffy's "amazing." Cordy: "She's more like a sister! Really! We're that close." Hee. Can you imagine if Joyce married Cordy's dad all Popular-style? Richard suggests Cordy invite Buffy to the party, and Cordy, after a beat, agrees.
Xander is suggesting the three of them watch Indian TV again that night, but Cordy stomps up and tells Buffy that Richard and Aaron Buerge In My Mind's Eye want to meet her. Buffy says she doesn't want to meet any frat boys. I can understand that sentiment, although it's always fun to see which ones go gay after the right amount of alcohol. I am so setting myself up here. Cordy grabs Buffy: "And if there was a God, don't you think He'd keep it that way?" One of the more subtle meta-references to Joss's atheism. Richard, who has gotten out of the car, smarms, "Hi, sweetheart. I'm Richard. And you are?" Buffy snits, "So not interested." She starts to walk off, but Cordy pulls her back, saying she's a "little comedian." She must have written this episode, then, because it's a joke. Richard asks if she plays hard to get. Aaron Buerge In My Mind's Eye cuts in that Richard is just "easy to resist."
Buffy walks off, but ABIMME tells her to ignore Richard, and that he does all the time. He introduces himself as "Tom Warner," and I'm glad I have something shorter to call him now. He goes on that he's a senior at "Crestwood College," and that he feels like a complete dolt meeting her this way. "Feels like"? I thank him again for providing me with another short name to call him, but I've already ripped off a nickname from Gustave, so I'd better not step on Demian's turf. Buffy removes her sunglasses with a somewhat dreamy look in her eyes. Tom goes on, "Here I stand in all my doltishness." Demian, he said it, not I. Xander guffaws that Buffy won't fall for that line, and I wish he were right for once. Buffy introduces herself, and "clever," "flirtatious" banter ensues. Xander, more worriedly: "She's gonna walk away!...Now!" Tom tells Buffy that Richard invited Cordy to their party. Quick shot of Cordy fake-laughing again. Hee. That's not going to get old for me any time soon. Tom: Blah blah blah I'm-only-in-the-frat-because-it's-a-family-tradition-cakes. He goes on that the frat parties are full of really dull people. You don't say. He asks her to come with him, but she tells him she's involved with someone. He takes it graciously. They babble a little more until Giles's voice cuts across the courtyard, calling her. He points to his watch, then stalks off. Buffy says she has to go, but sincerely tells Tom that it was nice to meet him. She leaves. Tom looks after her blandly. He really looks like he's wearing lip gloss, by the way. Xander seethes that he hates the frat guys, that whatever they want falls into their laps, and asks Willow if she feels the same way. Willow: "Yeah, with their charmed lives [Demian!], and their movie-star good looks, and more money than you can count" -- look from Xander -- "I'm hating!" Hee. But "movie-star good looks"? Does William Zabka really count as a movie star? ["Oh, come on -- we all loved him in Shootfighter II. If by 'all loved him in' you mean 'have never even heard of.'" -- Sars]
Giles steps out of the library cage, wearing pads and armed with a knife and a staff. He tells Buffy that he's going to attack her, and he won't be pulling any punches. Buffy likes that idea. Her tone and facial expression are a bit -- well, let's just say that an appropriate song for this scene would not be "Hot In Herre." She kicks the knife away, breaks the staff, and when he charges her, gets out of the way to leave him free to land facedown on his desk. Hee. Thus endeth the training.
Graveyard. Buffy patrols. She finds part of a bracelet that reads "ENT," with a bit of the "E" cut off. Angel's voice cuts in from off-camera, saying there's blood on it. Buffy starts to greet him, but her attention is drawn by the blood remark. He says that he can smell it. Buffy notes that it's a girl's bracelet, then clumsily uses it as a segue, saying she'd like to see him outside of slaying. He asks if she's asking for a date. She hems and haws, and he asks if she wants to get coffee instead. Hee. She's totally flummoxed now. Instead of slowing the conversation down, he condescendingly tells her that he knew this would happen, and that she doesn't know what she wants. Anger overcoming embarrassment, she tells him she wants out of the conversation, and starts to leave. He stops her, telling her that if they date, things could get out of control. Like, tell me about it. I've had a few people turn soulless after sex, metaphorically speaking. But to have it happen literally must be a whole different ballgame. Buffy counters that maybe out of control is the way their relationship is supposed to be. Angel grabs her and tells her they're not in a fairy tale. "When I kiss you, you don't wake up from a deep sleep and live happily ever after." You might fall into a deep sleep, but that's another story. Buffy: "No. When you kiss me I want to die." Angel can't find a response to that, and Buffy runs off. Up until I started writing this recap, I thought that line was hopelessly overwrought and cheesy, but I've revised my opinion. In light of her earlier speech to Giles, I think what she meant is that kissing Angel, a vampire, is simply the ultimate indicator of how weird and scary her life is, and, ironically, of how alone she often feels. I'll probably change my mind again in a couple of weeks, but for right now, that's my story and I'm sticking to it.
School. Buffy's class ends. As she slowly gathers her things, Cordy enters the room. She starts to compliment Buffy's hair, but then tells her she respects her too much to be dishonest. "The hair's a little...well, that really isn't the point here, is it?" Hee. The hair really is a little "something," but I'm honestly not sure what. Cordy explains that the Zeta Kappas have to have a "certain balance" at their parties. Fifty percent meathead, fifty percent bimbo. She tells Buffy that they want her to go, and if she doesn't, Cordy can't either. Which makes absolutely no sense, but whatever. She says Richard's last name is Anderson, as in Anderson Farms, Anderson Aeronautics, and -- her voice breaks -- "Anderson Cosmetics." Heh. Cordy babbles about how rich the frat boys are. Buffy, not really listening but obviously thinking about Angel, says she'll go. Cordy can't believe it for a second, then excitedly says she'll drive. "Oh Buffy, it's like we're sisters! With really different hair!" Hee. Buffy's all, "The hell did I just do?"
Underground lair. Richard administers an oath to some shirtless dude, the gist of which is swearing his loyalty to the frat "and to Machida, whom we serve." Wow, proper grammar in a blood oath! They must be rich. Or journalists. During the oath, Richard uses a sword to cut some markings into the pledge's skin. The oath ends with everyone chanting, "In his name." I thought I couldn't hate Richard more, but he proves me wrong as he announces, "Brewski time!" As the extras enjoy the limited years they have left to drink beer without getting a huge gut, Richard walks over to the wall, where Callie is manacled up. While vaguely homoerotic things go on in the background, he delivers a couple lines that are both loathsome and "ha ha...not." Callie cries. I pop a brewski and heartily toast, "Scene!"
Lounge. Buffy has just told Willow and Xander about the frat party. Willow cluelessly thinks she's going with Angel, but Buffy disabuses her of that notion, and apprehensively tells them she's going with Cordelia. She runs away before Willow can say anything. Heh. Willow and Xander catch up to her, and Willow asks what happened with Angel. Buffy says nothing happened, which isn't completely true in spirit. As she complains, Xander hilariously interjects comments like "Don't you hate that?" and "That bastard!" They, of course, aren't even listening to him. When Buffy brings up Tom, however, he predictably loses his smugness. In the library, Giles, holding a sword, checks the door. He then starts twirling and slashing, asking of no one, "Will you be ready if a vampire's behind you?" Drop a 'lude, Inigo Montoya. Predictably, the Scoobs enter at a moment when he doesn't have his eye on the door. Buffy: "Guess you got one of those 'dance like no one can see you' emails, huh?" Well, that's how I read her facial expression, anyway. By the way, I hate those emails. Giles abashedly asks how the night's patrol went. Buffy shows him the bracelet. Willow says she's seen something like it before. After a little exposition about the blood on it, Xander proceeds to attempt a cock-block of epic proportions, urging Giles to have Buffy patrol that night in an attempt to prevent her from going to the party. What a dick. If I did that to one of my girlfriends, I'd fully expect to be removing a very sharp stiletto from my nether regions. Buffy sticks up for herself, saying she's unavailable. She goes on that she has a lot of homework, and that she and her mom aren't feeling very well. During this rain of lies, Willow surreptitiously stares at Buffy in horror. Hee. Giles shows some compassion in this episode at long last, telling her to stay home with Joyce. Didn't he read the guest credits? She's not even in this episode!
In the hallway, we get a quick shot of a couple posters and pamphlets giving us the PSA that alcohol is bad, especially in conjunction with driving. That went by too quickly and wasn't completely devoid of subtlety -- do you think you could serve up an anvil in ten or fifteen minutes? Thanks. Xander looks accusingly at Buffy, who tells him to just say it. He says he won't. Willow: "You lied to Giles." Xander: "She will." Heh. But amazingly, Xander gets off scot-free for his crime. Buffy rationalizes her behavior. Blah blah blah-They-Have-Orgies,-Don't-They?-cakes. Buffy says she wants to have fun every once in a while, and that's just what she's going to do. The Ironic Segue Fairy mainlines some cocaine as the assistant calls, "Three...two...one..."
Cordy: "This isn't about fun." Neither are these transitions. Cordy dictates that Buffy isn't to wear black, silk, chiffon, or spandex, as those are her trademarks. Does "hooker chic" really qualify as a trademark? She lists some more dos and don'ts for Buffy, such as appearing interested if anyone talks to her, and gives another demonstration of the fake laugh to boot. Xander and Willow approach. Willow has gotten a Coke from the soda machine. Try as I might, I'm unable to discern if she pushed the "root beer" button. Xander test-drives some snark and again finds it sadly lacking. Cordy shows him her far superior model as she notes that he could only belong to a fraternity of rich and powerful men "in the Bizarro world." Willow smiles a bit at that. Hee. She and Xander walk to the lounge balcony. Cordy muses to Buffy, "Make-up. Well, give it your all, and keep to the shadows. We're gonna have a blast!" Buffy drops her face onto her textbook in frustration. Hee. Cordy acting like Buffy is less attractive than the hunchback of Notre Dame just never gets old for me.
On the balcony, Willow complains that Buffy lying to Giles makes her world askew. Xander: "That's not askew, that's cockeyed." Well, at least the level of intelligence that that comment displayed wasn't. Willow educates him that "askew" and "cockeyed" are synonyms. She goes on that there's nothing they can do about the Buffy situation, but Xander declares his intention to crash the party. Willow asks him if he's doing it to protect Buffy and prove himself as good as the frat boys, which he affirms. Willow: "And maybe catch an orgy?" Xander: "If it's on early." Heh.
Casa de los Meatheads. Music plays as people hang out outside the entrance. Cordy zips up, lightly rear-ending a parked car. Buffy, defying Cordy's instructions, is wearing a short black dress, while Cordy is wearing a shiny light blue floral number that makes her look like an extra in the bordello in Farewell My Concubine. A couple of speaking meatheads, who are in all likelihood destined to share some sort of drunken sex act with each other at some point in their frat experience, leer at some women. They are so obviously Kurt and Ram. A frat boy dances, which is the scariest thing that's happened so far. Cordy makes a materialistic comment, like, we get that character trait as much as we get the fact that Joey Potter's mother is dead, thanks. Richard smarms his way up and gives the girls drinks. After ascertaining that the drinks are alcoholic, Buffy declines. Richard tells her that at her age, he "wasn't into grown-up things either." I can appreciate one thing about this guy -- my hatred of him is helping me to fathom the concept of infinity. Richard asks if they've seen the "multimedia" room yet. Cordy eagerly asks him to show her. Richard actually remembers to include Buffy, but Cordy snarks that she's happiest by herself. They walk off, leaving Buffy to hold the wall up. A lonely place to be. But I learned to depend on me. Why'd I say that?
Xander starts to climb in a window near the entrance, but falls through. He gets to his feet in time to pluck a drink off a server's tray. He's wearing a dorky collared red polo shirt. Dude, dress the part. We see that the "waiters" are actually pledges, who are dressed in varying degrees of drag. No surprise there. I don't know much about how fraternities work, but I know a thing or two about frat boys, and let me tell you, after a number of drinks, many of them go gayer than Smallville. No one tours the Kinsey scale like a frat boy, folks. Instead of keeping to the shadows, or actually trying to find Buffy, Xander dorkily walks around, checks out some girls, and eats. Chasing after a food tray, he fails to see Buffy, who's still doing her best impression of a support beam. She ponders her drink, but sets it back down. Several couples slow dance. Across the room, Ram has his arm on Kurt's shoulder. Slow music of sexual awakenings plays. They cover by leering at Buffy. In front of them, an extremely handsome and well-dressed guy holds up a champagne glass, presumably offering it to Buffy. Call him over, you lunatic! He makes Angel look like he got a face transplant from a baboon! Sadly, she simply smiles and raises her drink to show him she already has one, and takes a sip. For some reason, Kurt at this moment starts whooping it up, calling, "New girl!" and tossing the GQ cover guy out of the way, and yee-ha-ing. Ram thinks, "Just one more beer and I'm going to tell him how I feel, the big lug." Kurt lurches toward Buffy. Buffy's eyes open wide, but she's suddenly and deftly rescued by Tom, who pulls her into another room. Where has he been all this time, and why wasn't Buffy looking for him?
In the other room, Buffy and Tom dance. Tom attempts more self-deprecation. He observes that Buffy doesn't look happy to be there. Dude, Kurt almost just steamrolled her. Give her a minute. Buffy says she shouldn't be there, as she has obligations, and people who depend on her. The rest of the scene's repetitive and boring. They keep dancing. Elsewhere, Xander is putting on a food "comedy" act for two girls. Despite the fact that they seem to be amused, this performance causes his picture to replace Judd Winick's to "dork" in the dictionary. Richard observes this scene with contempt. I have to give credit; although we know he's evil, it's a reasonably subtle touch that Cordy isn't with him. Like she'd leave him alone for a minute if she were conscious! Kurt and Ram join Richard. Kurt: "Who's this dork?" Gay minds think alike. They quickly realize that they have a crasher on their hands. The three approach him. Kurt and Ram grab him and drag him off, shouting, "New pledge!" Any wonder those two are, er, handling the pledges?
Buffy walks outside. I hope there's no breeze, because the length of Buffy's dress is not familiar with the term "margin for error." She picks up a piece of broken glass, and looks up at the window Callie jumped through at the beginning of the episode, which is boarded up. Tom appears behind her. He asks if she's okay, and she says she was just thinking. Richard comes out of the house, blathering something about Argentinean junk bonds that hilariously dates the episode, and hands Buffy and Tom each a drink. Tom, looking askance at Richard, toasts maturity. Buffy says she's over maturity, and downs her drink in one gulp. So Buffy's drunk twice on the show that I can remember, and has had two near-death experiences. I'm lucky I don't live in the Jossverse -- I'd probably have to cheat death two or three times a day. And let's not even start on all the smoking and the gay sex.
In the library, Willow and Giles are trying to figure out what word was on the full bracelet. Willow eventually realizes that the bracelet is from Kent, a nearby prep school. She pulls up Kent's school newsletter, and discovers an article about Callie's disappearance. Back at The Meathead Lair Of Love, Kurt and Ram are dolling Xander up with lipstick, a blonde wig, and a stuffed bra that could provide ample shade for a small child. They make him dance. Buffy appears from a doorway, and doesn't look well. She staggers up the stairs. Boys and girls alike whoop it up for Xander. Ram paddles his ass. That's slightly funny. Buffy opens the door to an empty room, lies down on the bed, and passes out. Richard enters, and leers at Buffy's prone form. He sits down on the bed. Oh, ew. Inexplicably, he sticks his thumb out, and advances it toward her. Huh?
We never learn why Richard favors that particular digit, because Tom enters and throws Richard off Buffy. After a bit of chivalrous misdirection, Tom reveals that Buffy is there solely for "the pleasure of the one we serve." Richard hesitantly responds, "In his name." Tom says that goes for the other one too. The camera pans right to reveal that Cordy is passed out to the bed. I guess you could call her "Snore-delia." The sad thing is, I thought of that one weeks ago, and this is the best opportunity I'm likely to have to use it. Sorry. I think I'll steer attention away from my incredibly lame joke by pointing out a teeny tiny plot hole in this episode. I can accept that the frat boys kidnapped Callie without anyone finding out about it. Fine. But tons of people knew that Buffy and Cordy were coming to this party -- together, for God's sack. Wouldn't it be a little too suspicious? Wouldn't the boys have picked a target that wouldn't, you know, lead directly to themselves? So that's my teeny tiny plot hole. And by "teeny tiny," I mean "visible from space."
In the library, Giles prints out what I presume is a police report on Callie. No one has seen or heard from her in over a week, and that's enough for Giles to decide that calling Buffy is a good idea. Willow desperately plays the sick mother card, and Giles says he'll wait until they know more. Unfortunately, Willow immediately discovers that some other girls went missing a year ago, almost to the day. This screams "ritual killing," and Giles says he needs to know where Buffy found the bracelet. Wouldn't that have come up at some point earlier? Thinking quickly, Willow tells Giles to call Angel, as he was there when Buffy found it, and they could use the help. Giles, somehow failing to detect Willow's ulterior motive, looks convinced.
Back at If These Walls Could Talk 2 manor, the party's over, and Kurt and Ram boot Xander out, possibly to have a very special conversation of their own. Xander tries to ask about Buffy. Kurt: "You know, in that light, with that wig on and all...you still butt-ugly!" Okay, heh. They close the door in his face, and Xander's left to lament the fact that even in drag, he didn't get invited to participate in an orgy.
Basement. Tom kneels, shirtless. He has symbols scarred into his flesh. How do these guys explain those to girls? (Or guys.) Richard carves some more markings into Tom's back. Cordy and Buffy are now manacled against the wall as well. Cordy asks Buffy what's going on, but Buffy isn't sure. Cordy whines that she wants to go home. Callie's throaty voice cuts in that no one's going home. She says that Tom's nicer than the others, and that he's the one to watch out for. Actually, I think the demon is the one to watch out for, but I think she was just conveying that Tom is the leader. Tom rises and dons a ceremonial robe. Looking at Buffy, he says, "She's last." Aw. He likes her! Cordy predictably wants to know who's first. There's more ritualistic stuff, but the payoff is so lame that I'm going to skip it. Tom looks at Buffy with deader eyes than Jaws's.
Angel has arrived at the library, and tells them what he knows. Predictably, it doesn't take long. Giles notices that Willow's distracted, and asks what she's doing. She's checking out her reflection in the window, to Angel's non-reflection. She asks Angel how he shaves. Hee. But really, that's a good question. I couldn't pull off shaving without a mirror. When she focuses on where Buffy found the bracelet, Willow realizes that Callie was probably trying to escape the frat house, which of course means that she finally has to spill the beans about Buffy and Cordy going to the party. Giles: "She lied to me?" Angel: "Did she have a date?" Willow's reluctance to speak causes them to shake their heads in disbelief, which prompts a blurt session from Willow that would make Ruth Fisher jealous and therefore must be quoted verbatim: "Well, why do you think she went to that party? Because you [pointing to Angel] gave her the brush-off! And you [pointing to Giles] never let her do anything except work and patrol and, I know she's the Chosen One, but you're killing her with the pressure, I mean, she's sixteen going on forty! And you [back to Angel], I mean, you're gonna live forever! You don't have time for a cup of coffee?" Giles and Angel look completely cowed. Willow: "Okay, I don't feel better now, and we've got to help Buffy." Ha! Willow, remember the five and dime? It misses you. They leave.
Outside the frat house, Xander is bitterly musing to himself that the frat boys will always be more successful than he. Can't we make this a silent pity party? Thankfully, he stops as he notices Cordy's "Queen C" vanity plate. I cover my ears as the gears in his head start to grind.
In the basement, Tom blathers a ritualistic speech to Machida. All you need to know is that in return for yearly sacrifices, Machida grants the Delta Kappas fortune. Sidebar here: How are we supposed to imagine these agreements were originally set up? Did the founder of the frat toss a note down the hole saying, "If there are any big snakelike demons down there that get off on ritualistic feedings, let us know. Price negotiable. One hiss for yes, two for no." I know it seems a little silly for my suspension of disbelief to die at exactly this point, but honestly, folks. Anyway, against the wall, Cordy tells Buffy that she has to do something. When Tom mentions the word "offerings," Cordy asks Buffy if he's talking about them. Callie: "Do you see anyone else chained up in here?" Ah, a sassy, positive female character! Remember when those didn't get condemned to death on this show? Tom summons Machida to come forth, and the frat boys get on their knees. I'm certain it's not the first time for plenty of them. Anyway, Machida finally emerges, revealing himself to be a green serpent-like creature, but with a vaguely human-looking head. Really bad costume, here. It's Fake The Snake bad, and it's not even CGI. And these frat boys pay tribute to what is essentially an enormous phallic symbol? Could this plot point be any less subtle? Anyway, Cordy screams us into the break.
When we return, Buffy is pulling on her chains in earnest. Fortunately for the girls, Tom blathers on about the agreement between them and Machida. On October 10th of each year, he gets hungry, and they feed him. Fabulous. Machida lazily surveys his dinner.
Outside, Angel, Willow, and Giles arrive, and Xander quickly appears, dressed in one of the frat robes that we saw in the beginning of the episode. Willow asks if he's wearing make-up. Hee. Xander tells them about Cordy's car, and explains that he found the robe in the trash. He saw a bunch of guys going down to the basement wearing such robes, so he planned to use his to sneak in. When we see Angel, he's in vamp face, and looks pissed.
Basement. Machida slides up to Cordy. Buffy tries to distract him, but Tom says that no woman is allowed to speak to him. What woman would want to? He slugs Buffy in the face, and tells her to keep quiet. She regards him balefully.
Xander, robed and hooded, knocks on the door. Kurt answers. He's fully clothed, but you know, those frat boys don't take long. Kurt opens the door, and Xander punches him. Ram appears, but Angel takes care of him. Giles and Willow enter. In the basement, Tom hears the commotion, and dispatches some of the boys to deal with the intruders. Machida just stands there. Dude, what are you waiting for? Finally, he goes at Cordy, but Buffy manages to pull her chains out of the ceiling. She punches Machida, and starts some frat-fu. Tom swings a sword at her, but she ducks. Upstairs, Xander is beating on Kurt, Giles punches someone, and Angel is kicking nine kinds of ass. Willow, having poked her head downstairs, gives them a status report. When that doesn't have the effect she'd hoped, she screams, "Guys! Buffy! Snake! Basement! Now!" Hee. They all run downstairs. Tom calls Buffy a bitch, and tries to slice and dice her, but she makes quick work of him, then uses his sword to impale Machida. What a crappy MoTW.
Soon after, Cordy approaches Buffy. "You did it. You saved us." She veers into Angel instead, and hugs him. Heh. Half-crying, she complains that she hates the Scoobs, as "the weirdest things always happen when you're around." I detest that line -- Buffy and the Scoobs have saved her life three times prior to this, and she's always thanked them for it, or temporarily been nice to them, or both. Whatever. Cordy immediately redeems herself by grabbing Tom and telling him he's going to jail for fifteen thousand years. She leaves, and Angel leads Tom out. Buffy heads up to Giles for the inevitable lecture. Hand on hips, he points out that the words "let that be a lesson" are "a tad redundant at this juncture." Buffy says she's sorry, and he says he's sorry too. She misinterprets that comment as further criticism, and hangs her head, but Giles is to be redeemed as well: "I drive you too hard because I know what you have to face. From now on, no more pushing, no more prodding. Just an inordinate amount of nudging." Aw. They smile at each other. I knew I couldn't stay mad at you, Giles!
Bronze. Jonathan gets an oversized cup of coffee and a muffin. The camera follows him past a table where Buffy, Willow, and Xander are sitting. He gets to Cordy, and gives the cup to her. She thanks him, but then asks if he forgot something. He recites, "Cinnamon, chocolate, half-caf, nonfat...extra foam!" She smiles in assent, and he goes to remedy this grievous error. I was in a Starbucks in London recently, getting my morning coffee, and this American guy ordered some coffee drink, but he reminded the person taking the order to make it "half-caf" about eleven times. I imagined him being decapitated right in front of me. Is that wrong? She walks over to the Scoobs' table, announces that young men are the way to go, and leaves. Xander, reading a newspaper, tells Buffy and Willow that the frat boys were sentenced to consecutive life sentences. Since my suspension of disbelief died a couple of pages ago, and also since the headline of this edition reads "Fraternity Arrested," I'd point out that these guys would barely have had time to be arraigned, much less tried, convicted, and sentenced. He goes on that investigators found the bones of several missing girls at the bottom of Machida's pit, and that many companies run by Zeta Kappas are suddenly in trouble. Again, timeline? Most companies don't have daily earnings reports, to the best of my knowledge. Willow asks if Buffy has heard from Angel, and gushes about him. We see Angel come down the stairs. What was he doing up there? Buffy's eyes go wide. Xander: "Angel, Angel, Angel. Does every conversation we have have to come around to that freak?" Angel arrives at the table. Xander, without a trace of self-consciousness: "Hey, man. How you doin'?" Ha! Angel: "Buffy." Buffy: "Angel." Xander, in a deep voice: "Xander." Again, ha! Angel invites her for coffee sometime. He is definitely wearing lip gloss too. What's up with that? Buffy says she'll let him know. She walks off, and smiles to herself. Sorry, but if this is supposed to be an "I choose me" moment, it falls flatter than Lana Lang's parents.