School Hard

So this is my twenty-fifth recap. How time flies. I have no idea if I'll get to fifty, so I'll celebrate while I can. Also, this is the first recap I've written after getting back from the TWoP writer's summit in Vegas. Such a funny, smart group of people is our staff. Since I don't have a journal, a few quick shout-outs: my fellow Buffy recappers Ace and Sep, for being so nice and funny; Shack, for being a very easy roommate; lounge denizens and fellow trash-talkers Wing Chun, Kim, and Strega; drinking and gambling buddies Omar G, AB Chao, Pamie, and Stee; and as usual, last but never least, Sars, for keeping me from going insane during our hellacious trip out there. Say it with me: Vegas, baby! ["Woo! Got a light?" -- Sars]

After a quick establishing shot of the school, we're in Snyder's office. He's giving a speech about how the speakees should think of him as "judge, jury, and executioner." And "very entertaining weasel." He walks around to his desk, and we see that one of the lecturees is a tall, fairly pretty, and very bored-looking girl. Oh, all right, it's Sheila. Snyder asks who they think is the most troublesome student in the school. Sheila pointedly looks to her right, and the camera pans over to show a nervous-looking Buffy. Hee. Snyder goes on that they're well matched. He points out that Buffy has never stabbed a horticulture teacher with a trowel. Sheila grins that she actually used pruning shears. Snyder continues that Sheila, on the other hand, has never burned down a school building. Buffy: "Well, that was never proven. The fire marshals said it could have been mice." Snyder glares. Buffy: "Micethat were smoking?" Heh. Although, in Buffy's defense, I'd point out that she hasn't burned down any Sunnydale High buildings. Hell, she hasn't even blown one up yet. Snyder goes on that they're tied in cutting and fight-starting, and that the race is quite exciting. Sheila, still grinning, asks what the winner gets. Snyder, evenly: "Expelled." He goes on that Thursday is Parent-Teacher Night. "Your parents, assuming you have any, will meet your teachers" -- he looks at Sheila -- "assuming you have any left." I love Snyder. I would add, though, that if he didn't have it so in for Buffy, he probably would have expelled Sheila just based on her attitude in this meeting. Snyder says that he's putting the two of them in charge of the event as a way for them to incur his goodwill. Buffy looks appropriately scared, but says she's clear on what he wants. Snyder makes another threat.

Outside, Buffy tries to make a plan with Sheila, who yells to someone called "Meat Pie," and walks off. Xander and Willow join Buffy. Xander somehow already knows the task Snyder has assigned them. We see Meat Pie, who looks like he's in costume for the title role in the major motion picture Fabio Goes To West Hollywood. Xander and Willow talk about how "bad" Sheila is, which is almost always a false description in TV-land. Exhibit A: Jen Lindley. Buffy mopes that Snyder thinks she's as bad as Sheila, and that as the Slayer she sometimes needs to cut classes and fight. Xander says it's no big deal, as long as something bad doesn't happen. Buffy and Willow round on him for jinxing them, saying that now something bad is destined to happen. Willow: "What were you thinking?" Willow, it's Xander. He and his cerebellum aren't exactly on speaking terms. Buffy and Willow stomp off. Xander weakly calls after them that maybe nothing will happen. C'mon, Xander -- this isn't "Older And Far Away."

Night. "Welcome To Sunnydale" sign. A pickup truck runs over it. There's no one in the passenger seat. Maybe Dru's lying down in the back. Punk music plays as the door opens and we see a boot hit the ground. The camera pans up the famous duster to show Spike in vamp face, cigarette in his mouth. He lights up, and smirks to himself, "Home sweet home." Now that's what I'm talking about. Credits.

Factory. Some loser in vamp face is blathering about how someone needs to take the Master's place, and that the one that kills the Slayer should wear his mantle. Or his leather jacket -- it was pretty cool. The Anointed One asks Yakula if he can do it, and he says yes. He exposits that the coming Saturday is the Night of St. Vigeous, and that their power will be at its peak. He chatters that when he kills her, it'll be the greatest event since the Crucifixion. "And I should know," he smarms, "I was there." Behind him, Spike's sneering voice cuts in, "You were there? Please!" He continues that if every vamp that said he was at the Crucifixion were telling the truth, it would have been like Woodstock. Without the music or the drugs, of course. Although I hear that human blood is like a drug these days. Great. I enjoy addiction metaphors on this show about as much as I enjoyed having shingles. Getting back to pleasant episodes, Yakula makes an impotent threat. Spike turns and walks away, reminiscing that he was actually at Woodstock. "I fed off a flower person, and I spent the six hours watching my hand move." Yakula rushes at him, but Spike closes that hand into a fist and knocks Yakula out without looking back. Ha! Back in 1997, I fell in love with Spike at that very moment, not least because he spared us any further lines from Yakula for the rest of the scene.

Spike approaches the Anointed One, saying he's read about him, and introduces himself. A henchvamp, whose right eye is so displaced I'm going to call him Mad-Eye Henchvamp, gets in his face, but Spike just smirks and ignores him. He goes on that he knows about the A.O.'s Slayer problem. "Do you know what I find works real good with Slayers? Killing them." A lesson that many villains on this show would do well to learn. The A.O. asks if he can do it. Spike says he's killed a couple Slayers, but he doesn't like to brag. After a beat, he continues, "Who am I kidding. I love to brag!" Man alive, he was hot even in vamp face back then. He starts to tell the tale about the Boxer Rebellion Slayer, but we see that Dru is walking up behind him, dressed in a Gothic white nightie-like dress. Spike turns his head to her and morphs to his human visage, saying she shouldn't be walking around, as she's weak. Dru asks if the A.O. & Co. are nice "people," and Spike says they're getting along. Dru, stepping toward the A.O., says she can feel his power. You're the only one, sister. She asks him if he likes daisies, and goes on that she plants them, but they always die. "Everything I put in the ground withers and dies." Oh, so Dru put just about every good thing about this show in the ground! That explains an awful lot. Buffy's spunkiness? In the ground! Willow's personality? In the ground! Any sort of enjoyable group dynamic? In the bloody ground! Back in the Shangri-La of Season Two, the A.O. is clearly discomfited by Crazy Daisy Lady. Looking skyward, Dru says that she's cold, and Spike gives her his duster. I swoon. She crazies that she's a princess, and Spike happily agrees. She runs a fingernail down his cheek, drawing blood, and laps it up, bringing exchange of bodily fluids to a whole new level of "ew." They lean in to kiss, but before their lips meet, they slowly turn to regard their audience, smiling all Sid and Nancy. Spike menaces that he and Dru are moving in, and if anyone wants to test who's got "the biggest wrinklies," to step up. He tells the A.O. that he'll kill the Slayer in exchange for the A.O. keeping his "flunkies" off Spike's back. The A.O. agrees. The flunkies groan in disappointment. Dru loons that she can't see the Slayer. "It's dark where she is. Kill her, Spike. Kill her for princess?" Spike says it's as good as done, and Dru calls him her "sweet." Aw. Look at the cute, photogenic, really really evil vampires! As I said, I fell in love with Spike immediately, and I liked Dru quite a bit at first too, until she got all Angelus-happy. Spike and Dru gaze adoringly at each other, then turn back to the A.O. Spike asks him about the Slayer. "Is she tough?" I don't know, but your butchering of your accent there was, James honey.

The Ironic Segue Fairy brings us to Buffy, who whinges as she brushes some tangles out of her hair. Joyce pops in and says she just got the mail, in which there was a reminder notice about Parent-Teacher Night. She asks if Buffy was going to tell her about it. Buffy hems and haws. Joyce asks what she can expect to hear from Buffy's teachers. Buffy hems and haws. Joyce asks how her test scores have been. Buffy: "Do I have to use semaphore flags to spell it out for you, Mom?" Or, the version that actually aired: "What can you really tell about a person from a test score?" Joyce: "Whether or not she's ever going out with her friends again." Buffy: "Oh, that." Heh. Joyce gives a heartfelt speech about how she knows tests and grades aren't everything, but she really doesn't want to be disappointed in Buffy again. That "disappointed" card is a parent's ace in the hole. Watch out for it, kids. And I liked Joyce a lot, but if how Buffy's doing in school is that important to her, she might be checking on Buffy's homework and test scores a little more often, no? Buffy says that she's trying, but she's under a lot of pressure. Joyce: "Wait 'til you get a job." She leaves. Buffy opens a drawer with Slayer-y stuff inside. Looking in the mirror, she anvils, "I have a job." Me too, and clunky lines like that one don't make it any easier.

School. In the lounge, Buffy and Willow are working on a banner. Willow jabbers something about bars and raids and Sheila. Buffy asks Willow to help her cram some French that night. She doesn't specify where she wants to cram it, but I'm pretty sure Wing could help her out with a few ideas. Willow reminds Buffy that they're supposed to go to the Bronze, because Buffy thought Angel might show up. I did find it cute how much Willow cheerleaded Buffy's relationship with Angel, and I never, ever cynically thought that maybe her ulterior motive was to keep Buffy away from Xander. Until now. I still don't really think that, but it's in my head now. Stupid job. Uh-oh -- I smell yet another firing coming on. Xander predictably tells Buffy to study and ditch Angel. Shut up, Xander. Buffy says she's going to the Bronze: "I can study, and party, and do Parent-Teacher Night, and make my mother proud, as long as I don't have to" -- "Buffy," Giles's voice cuts in -- "fight vampires." Heh.

Giles and Miss Calendar are arguing about something. Giles tells them that Miss Calendar has calculated that the coming Saturday night is the Night Of St. Vigeous. Was that what they did on their second date? Not that I haven't had a lot worse, mind you; I'm just wondering. Giles explains that St. Vigeous led a crusade of vamps that wreaked destruction in Europe. He does not satisfactorily explain at any time during this episode why that night affords the vamps any special power, or how often it occurs (if it were an annual event, they would already have known on what day it fell). Giles, don't give weak exposition, please. It's unseemly and makes me sad -- sort of like standing in line at Macy's during the holiday season. Buffy says that after Parent-Teacher Night, she'll see what she can do. The rest of the scene is stuff we've seen before -- Giles lectures Buffy on her responsibilities and how she must fight alone, and then has to do some hasty covering when someone (Snyder, in this case) overhears a Slayer-related reference. Sigh. Don't apply this to the current season, but can we have more Spike, please? Giles and Miss Calendar beat a retreat. Snyder asks Willow and Xander if they're helping Buffy in Sheila's place. They deny it, but he puffs out his chest in anticipation of an expulsion. Buffy says that Sheila just went to get more paint, and Sheila chooses the right moment to appear on the scene. Buffy yammers more cover story, and Sheila looks at her like she only wishes she had another pair of pruning shears. I think she'd even settle for a trowel. Snyder tells them to make sure everything's perfect on Thursday, and leaves. Sheila thanks Buffy for covering for her, then asks, "Did you really burn down a school building one time?" Buffy: "Not actually one time." Sheila: "You got street cred, yo!" Or, she might have said, "Cool." I was reading between the line.