Some Assembly Required

The camera pans up a headstone to reveal Buffy sitting atop it. She bitches at the resident of the new grave to rise already as she absently, but fairly proficiently, plays with a yo-yo. How retro. I can't imagine Buffy ever having had the patience to learn how to use one, but whatever. Anyway, Buffy's startled by our resident stalker (and that's original version, not the redux of later seasons). She chews him out for scaring her, and I'm sure the fact that they have him made up to look as pale as death (heh) isn't helping matters. She says that he should make noise when approaching someone in a graveyard. "You stomp, or yodel." Maybe you should make up your mind here, honey. I've heard Angel sing. We're talking Something Wicked This Way Comes scary. Rosemary's Baby scary. Anna Nicole Smith with no make-up scary. On the other hand, I've also seen him dance, and that was one of the funniest things ever on television. And speaking of something that's both funny and scary, I've gotten through about ten seconds of the episode so far.

Anyway, Buffy complains that the vamp hasn't risen yet, but Angel says it's a little disorienting when you first awaken as a vampire. Disorientation that apparently lasts for hundreds of years in certain cases. Well, it's one explanation for the dopey looks he favors. He clumsily segues into asking her if she's there alone, saying he thought "Xanderor someone" might be there. I think Rayanne Graff was subtler than this guy. Buffy immediately picks up on the subtext, and asks if Angel's jealous. Angel gives the non-answer that Xander is just a kid. Buffy doesn't even acknowledge that, and asks if he's jealous because of the dance she and Xander shared. Angel snarks that it was more like they "mated." That's obviously a lie, since I've recapped that episode and my eyes are still intact. Buffy retorts that it was just one dance, which she only did to make Angel jealous, and notes that she was obviously successful. Angel sticks his fingers in his ears and yells, "LA LA LA! I can't hear you!" Buffy asks if vampires don't get jealous. Angel cracks me up by gritting out, "See! Whenever we fight you always bring up the vampire thing!" His delivery makes it sound like him being a vampire and her being human is just a philosophical difference between them.

Speaking of vampires, the vamp that Buffy was awaiting has now risen and is coming at them. Buffy tells Angel that she didn't come to fight, but the vampire knocks her and Angel down, and she revises that sentiment. She kicks the vamp to the ground, then looks for her stake, which she managed to drop. While she does, the vamp picks up a handy shovel and clocks Angel in the face with it. Hee. Champion, my ass. After a bit of shovel-fu, Buffy manages to get the weapon away and stake him with it. Even the metal part of the shovel vaporizes. Huh? I wish they'd be remotely consistent about that -- we've seen vamps combust right to people who have suffered nary a burn. Buffy, however, doesn't pay this any mind as she continues the spat, asking if Angel considers her a kid too. Faced with a question that makes sense, Angel does the mature, champion-like thing: he walks away. Buffy starts after him with this missive: "This is an obvious lead-up for a cheap sight gag!" Oh, sorry, that was just my notes. She actually melodramas something about it taking more than that to get rid of her. Anyway, she falls into an open grave. Angel comes back and asks her if she's okay, which she grumpily affirms. He muses that another vampire has risen tonight. Well, except for the fact that the dirt has been neatly excavated from the plot. We've seen numerous vampires rise on this show, and they've all simply pushed their way up out of the ground. A fact that Angel might be aware of, considering he's a vampire himself. Also, he got bashed in the face with the very shovel that was used to unearth the plot. Dolt. Not the Dolt, of course. Buffy, poking her head out of the grave, calls his attention to some tracks, and says that whoever was in this grave was dragged away. Dun dun dun! Or, yawn. I raise my head wearily from my keyboard to rasp, "Scene!" Credits.

Buffy and Xander enter the library to find Giles sitting in a chair, his back to them. As they walk in, it becomes apparent that he's rehearsing a speech with which to ask Miss Calendar out on a date. While the sentiment is cute, I hate to see the writers reverting to the Season One habit of using Giles for cheap comic relief. And the fact that he's doing such a bad job with the rehearsal that he feels the need to impotently call himself an idiot makes it worse. Buffy snarks about his relationship with the chair, then tells Giles to leave off the "idiot" part, as most people don't like being called that. Xander: "It actually kinda turns me on." Buffy: "I fear you." Hee. And Xander, nice try at getting me to stop calling you an idiot. She gives Giles advice on how to dumb down his pitch, to which he snarks, "Well thank you, Cyrano." Heh. She goes on that she's not finished, and that the hook is to ask her how she feels about Mexican. Uh, they're in a small town in California. I'd think anyone who doesn't like Mexican food might have some serious problems getting by. Anyway, Buffy and Xander tag-team poor Giles until he wisely decides to change the subject by asking Buffy about the night's patrol. She relates what happened, and Giles thinks the grave robbing is interesting. Buffy: "I know you meant to say 'gross and disturbing.'" Giles: "Yes, yes yes of course. Terrible thing. Must put a stop to itdammit." As Sep can attest, that's the standard response to any customer service-oriented complaint in the U.K. Luckily, my boyfriend is an expert at making customer service reps cry. Xander wonders why anyone would take a corpse. Giles says it might help to know who the corpse was, but Buffy has that info: Meredith Todd, who was her age. Xander draws a blank. I know she didn't go to Sunnydale High, but as we soon learn that Meredith was a cheerleader, I'm still surprised he doesn't know her name, as I'd think if anyone would be familiar with every cheerleader in a ten-mile radius, it would be Xander. Not to say they would be familiar with him, except in a "there's that dorky stalker again" way. Giles, looking distastefully at the computer (and I know the feeling, because mine's being a serious diva right now) suggests that Willow could "fire this thing up" and get some information on Meredith.

Cut to a full-screen shot of a sign advertising the sign-up desk for the science fair. I'm not blind, camera people. Of course, I haven't seen what Cordelia's wearing yet, so let's just see how things play out. The camera pans across a hopelessly stereotypical science geek-type to rest on Willow, who's marking something down on a clipboard. Some kid who looks vaguely like the dead-badger hair (tm Sars) kid from "Nightmares," except a few years older and with awful chin pubes and a pink Hawaiian shirt, comes up to her and snaps a picture. He then checks out some girl: "Look at those legs." Willow: "No, thank you." Irony snickers and makes me shotgun a beer. Not that I needed much convincing, the way this episode is going so far. Eric snaps some photos of some random girl. A dude with dark red hair tells dead-badger kid, who's called Eric, to chill. I can already tell that no amount of Valium is going to make that happen. Eric stops clicking, possibly realizing that only photos of women featured in the opening credits are going to be of use in this episode. Willow greets dark red-haired kid, whose name is Chris. He's vaguely cute and vaguely simian-looking at the same time. Interesting. Willow banters a bit with him about how she always comes in second to him in the science fair. He's got quite a build for someone who's supposed to be a science geek. I know his brother's a football player and all, but still. He also pronounces "experiment" ex-PEER-a-ment, which is annoying. Chris advises Willow that if the teacher doesn't understand the ex-PEER-a-ment, he gives it higher marks. I think I've tried that. The results were less than successful, probably because I didn't understand it either.

Cordy appears on the scene, signs up, and bitches that participation in the fair is now mandatory. "I don't think anyone should have to do anything educational in school if they don't want to." No, dear, you're thinking of college. Willow peers at her topic. "The tomato: fruit or vegetable?" Cordy: "I wanted to do something I could finish in a weekend, all right?" Hee. Eric takes her picture, but she bitches at him for doing so under fluorescent lights. He assures her that it's for his "private collection." While the sentiment is "ew"-worthy, I kind of like this kid. He's got way more personality than most one-offs, and since deranged sociopaths don't even merit an eyebrow-raise on this show, I'm not going to hold that against him. Buffy approaches, and Eric takes her picture as well. Buffy tells Willow that the "Bat signal" has appeared. Nice idea to keep your secret identity intact by referencing an actual superhero, Buffy. Maybe you and Helena should hang out. Buffy and Willow walk off. Cordy looks at Eric, and he raises his eyebrows lasciviously at her. Hee. Disgusted, she walks off. Eric smarms to Chris that Cordy is perfect for them. Chris tells him not to be stupid, as she's alive. Sinister plot development, or biting commentary on how these two couldn't attract a girl who's breathing? To quote that random island woman in Trading Places, can't we have both?