When She Was Bad

Thanks to everyone who called the Scott Hope shout-out. Hee.

The camera pans to the right through a graveyard. We hear Willow and Xander playing a game of "Guess That Movie Quote." Willow gives one from The Terminator, and Xander gets it right. We now see them walking down the street. Xander is eating an ice cream cone. Willow gets the one right, then gives Xander "use the Force, Luke," for which Xander rightly chastises her. Willow complains that it's a dumb game, but Xander points out that they already played "Rock, Paper, Scissors," and that his hand's cramped up. I would have thought his hand was used to a lot more abuse than that. Willow deadpans that if you're always scissors, it's hard on the tendons. Hee. I'm reminded of Bart Simpson: "Good old rock. Nothin' beats that!" Xander whines that the summer was really boring. Willow hops up to sit on the stone wall and points out that they didn't run into any monsters, but Xander says he's restless. And his hand's out of commission, too. Poor planning there. He goes on that he's actually looking forward to the start of school, but Willow teases that he just wants to see Buffy again. Xander says he's over that noise, but then wonders if Willow's heard from her. Willow exposits that Buffy's in L.A. with her dad, and that Willow got a couple of postcards at the beginning of the summer, but then nothing. Once again, I marvel at how underused a little thing called the "telephone" is in the Buffyverse. Willow asks if he really doesn't care, and he admits that maybe he does a little, as he has "certain needs." Willow says she doesn't want to know. Me neither, sister.

Xander, suddenly continuing the game, touches his ice cream to Willow's nose, and does that Amish-taunting scene from Witness. It must be pretty hard not to taunt Amish people, it seems to me. I guess it's no surprise that I haven't seen one at a TWoP Con. Willow complains that her nose is cold, and Xander obligingly wipes off the ice cream. Their proximity contractually obligates The Tinkly Piano Of Sexual Tension to begin playing, and, powerless to resist, they lean in to kiss. Just before their lips touch, however, they pause, possibly because my screams of "Don't do it! For all that is holy, don't do it!" succeed in drowning out The Tinkly Piano. As they pull away, we see that a growling vamp has sneaked up on them. Willow screams and gets off the wall, and the vamp pursues them. Xander tells Willow to run, and whacks the vamp in the face. Never let it be said that I think Xander isn't brave. He grapples with the vamp in a losing effort until a hand grabs the vamp away. We see the vamp get pummeled by someone in a shiny micro-mini, and then, with the vamp on the ground, a full shot shows it to be Buffy, sporting a new, slightly fluffier hairdo. She smiles. "Hi, guys." The vamp comes at her again, and she side-kicks him into a tree, where he's dusted on a sharp protrusion. She turns back, still smiling. "Miss me?" Yes, yes we did. Credits. David Boreanaz is in them now.

I Know What You Did Last Summer. Couldn't Jennifer Love Hewitt have been eviscerated?

Xander and Willow embrace Buffy, who says she just got back. She chastises them for not having so much as a cross with them. Tes. Ti. Fy. Xander says that this vamp was the first they'd seen since she left. Buffy only half-jokingly says, "It's like they knew I was coming back." Mark it down, kids -- it's the first episode of the "It's All About Me Show" of the new season! Xander asks about her summer, and she says she partied and shopped, but didn't slay anything. In L.A.? Home of the Found Boys? Wouldn't it be cool if it turned out Buffy knew Gunn? I guess we'll never find out now. Stupid "networks." Anyway, Buffy in turn asks if they had any fun without her. Simultaneously, Willow says "yes" and Xander says "no." Aw. Poor Willow. It's no wonder they dressed her up as Cio-Cio San in "Nightmares." She'll be waiting for that Xander Pinkerton forever. Or until "Homecoming." Whoa, sorry. This kind of tangent is what happens when you recap five-year-old episodes. That's my story and I'm sticking to it, anyway. Xander goes on that the most excitement they had was burying the Master, whose grave just so happens to be in visual range. Buffy does not appear happy as she looks in that direction. Willow says they poured holy water, and Giles buried the bones. She asks if Buffy's seen Giles. Buffy semi-snits: "Why would I do that? I'll see him at school." I'm starting to sense an unkinder, ungentler Buffy. Xander says he's really glad Buffy's back. Buffy: "Me too." Buffy's face: "Except for the 'me too' part."

Chez Summers. Sars's onetime crush, Almanzo Wilder, is finishing bringing Buffy's stuff in. Joyce is shocked at how much stuff Buffy accumulated over the summer. Almanzo tells Joyce that Buffy stayed out of trouble, but was very distant. "The more time we spent together, the more I felt like she was nowhere to be seen." Reminds me of a few dates I've had, and it wasn't always the other guy acting like that. He admits that he might have overcompensated with the clothes and shoes as a result. Hilariously, as he says this, he's holding a really fugly pair of bright-yellow high heels. It's what the Morton Salt girl would wear for a night on the town. He whines that he at least knew what to say when she was burning stuff down. Uh, like what? "Yes, I have the bail money"? "Operator, can I have the number for Jacoby & Meyers"? Sheesh. Joyce empathizes, saying she hasn't been able to get through to Buffy for a long time. "I'll just be happy if she makes it through the school year." Foreshadowing snaps to and chuckles to himself. Shut up, Foreshadowing.