I Robot, You Jane

We open with a shot of a silhouetted castle. The caption reads, "Cortona, Italy. 1418." Inside, a young man with dead-badger hair walks forward. A voice says in Italian, "Carlo, my dear one." Carlo kneels, and a scaly green hand grips his head. The camera pans up to reveal a scaly green demon with red eyes and large curly horns. The demon continues that he can give Carlo everything, and that all he wants is his love. He takes way too long to say the word "love." Er, what kind of love are we talking about here? Because I might not be able to watch this. Carlo says that he has his love, and the demon casually breaks his neck. See, if Carlo had just said he didn't love him, he would have been spared. Or maybe he would have snapped his neck in the other direction. I guess we'll never know.

Cut to some monks. The lead monk announces that Moloch the Corruptor walks again, and that people are falling under his mesmerizing power. Well, it must be that catchy sales pitch. "Free broken neck with purchase!" Now, if you could buy a broken neck for someone else, I could understand the appeal. Lead Monk says that there's still time to bind him, and that they must form the circle. I giggle as I picture them playing Ring Around The Rosy in Italian, but no such luck. Lead Monk opens a large book, and starts chanting. "By the power of the Circle of Kayless" Dude, don't rip off your names from Klingon history. I know the Klingon spelling is "H" instead of "Y," but still. I think Keckler's probably laughing at me. We cut to Moloch, smiling after his kill. But his face falls, and it's clear that he's aware that something's up. Lead Monk continues, "By the power of the Circle of Kayless, I command you, demon, come!" I don't have to say it, do I? You really want me to say it? Okay. EW! The monk repeats his command, and Moloch, yelling, eventually dissolves into a very cheesy collection of CGI dots. It's kind of funny when they don't even try with the special effects. The dots rain down into the book, and the pages, which were blank, fill up with strange symbols. Lead Monk closes the book, which we now see has a likeness of Moloch on the cover. Lead Monk: "Pray this accursed book shall never again be read, lest the demon Moloch be loosed upon the world." Uh, I know you're deeply religious and all, but couldn't you, like, take some steps other than prayer toward that end? I wonder if these monks belong to the same order that made the Key a bleedable object. Because that would make sense. The kind of sense that's not. Lead Monk puts the book in a box.

Box-Cam (ew, not like that) shows Buffy slide the top off the box. After nearly six hundred years, it seems like real punishment that the first thing Moloch sees is Buffy's hideous pink floral dress. He must have been very, very naughty to deserve that. She takes the book out, but Giles says he hasn't reviewed it yet. Just to clarify, they're doing inventory of a lot of new arrivals. There are two random kids helping them, as well as Willow and Xander. Just to continue the Trek theme, who wants to bet the random kids, who are minions of Miss Calendar, are red-shirts? Miss Calendar and Giles snark back and forth about the relative merits of technology. One of the kids, a burly dude that we'll soon find out is named Fritz, stands up and delivers this lecture: "The printed page is obsolete. Information isn't bound up anymore. It's an entity. The only reality is virtual. If you're not jacked in, you're not alive." Giles: "Whatever, Virgin Boy." Oh, that was me saying that. I think the fact that I spend hours a day online and I still rolled my eyes harder than Dana Scully at a UFO convention qualifies me to say this: Jack this, Fritz. He stomps off to download some porn. Miss Calendar: "Thank you, Fritz, for making us all sound like crazy people." I like what I said better. She says that although Fritz is a loon, he does have a point, and spouts off some internet-related statistics. I think I'll use the internet to find some synonyms for the word "boring." "Pedestrian," "trite," "banal." All of these apply to this scene. Willow asks Xander if he wants to stay, but he's like, "Uh, no." He calls after Buffy to wait up, and Willow subtly hangs her head. Miss Calendar finally calls an end to the activity, but Willow wants to stay a little longer. Everyone else leaves. Giles says he's going to clean up. "I'll be back in the Middle Ages." Miss Calendar snarks, "Did you ever leave?" Okay, heh. She smirks to herself. Don't push it, lady. She leaves.

Seemingly much later, Willow scans the Moloch book into the computer. The scanner isn't nearly wide enough to cover the entire page, which annoys me. The image appears on Willow's screen, and she presumably IDs the book. As she does, the text disappears from the top to the bottom of the left page, then the right one. The direction on this bit sucks, because Willow looks directly at the book before closing it. I think she should have noticed something was different. She puts the book away. Her screen goes blank, and then large letters type out, "Where am I?" In a crappy Season One episode -- be afraid. Credits.

Willow walks dreamily down the hall at school. Buffy calls after her, and catches up. She's wearing a tight white tank top, a black micro-mini, and black knee-high boots. How the boys aren't all over her is beyond me. Buffy says she tried to call Willow the night before, but Willow smilingly says she was talking to someone. Buffy: "Okay, that's it. You have a secret and that is not allowed." Aw. And if only that rule had been in force later in the show. Willow admits that she met someone after the scanning project they all did "last week." Buffy: "Does he go here? What's his name? Have you kissed him? What's he like?" Willow: "No, Malcolm, no, and very nice." They used to be so cute. It makes me sad. I think I'm going to pout for a while. Buffy chides Willow for not telling her sooner, but Willow wasn't sure there was anything to tell until the prior evening, when they talked all night. "He's so smart, and he's romantic, and we agree about everything." That's not a recipe for disaster or anything. Buffy coos, and then asks what he looks like. Willow smiles that she doesn't know, and walks off. Buffy's all, "Huh?"